Chapter Text
The past week went relatively well for Harry. With the distraction of Operation Medi-Bat, he’s been too caught up planning with Draco and the Headmaster to really pay much mind to the whispers and taunts of his classmates. He’s only had 2 or 3 thoughts of hurting himself, and only actually followed through once! And his dreams have quelled a little too.
“What time did Dumbledore say again?” Harry asked for the 4th time in the last hour.
Draco rolled his eyes. “6:00, Potter. If you ask me again I will cast Silencio on you.”
“Well, excuse me if I’m a little eager. This plan has been a week in the making and now that the day is finally here, I’m a little nervous.” He cast a tempus. 5:56. “Oh God.”
Another eye roll. “I’ll help you study for your herbology exam, Potter.” Harry looked at him incredulously. “We have to appear as though we have no involvement in this. If I’m in here helping you study, it’ll be inconspicuous. Especially given your marks in that class.”
“I’m not usually bad at herbology, you know?” He defended, pulling his herbology textbook and the study sheet Hermione made for him from his trunk. “It’s just harder this year.” He mumbled. “I share that class with the ‘puffs, and they all think I killed their housemate. I know Professor Sprout doesn’t think that, but when she looks at me… she just looks so sad and… something else, but I can’t quite place the look she gives me. I think I remind her of him.”
Draco frowned at him. “I really think you should talk to Severus about everything. Somethings gotta give, more so now that it’s affecting your grades.”
“I’ll manage.” Harry forced a smile. “Anyway, Hermione made th-” He paused when he heard the floo flare to life. “Let’s go.” Both boys jumped up and calmly exited Harry’s bedroom, where they saw Severus helping Madam Pomfrey up off the floor.
“I will kill her!” Poppy exclaimed.
Draco shot Harry a concerned look. “Hello Madam Pomfrey. What are you-”
“You’re going to kill who, Poppy?” Severus interrupted.
Poppy took a deep breath. “Hello Draco. Hello Harry.” She turned to Severus. “Rosemary. She just showed up in the hospital wing. Said ‘hey sis’, then activated the floo and flung me in!” The woman looked angrier than when a patient was being difficult. “I apologise for the intrusion.”
“It’s alright Madam Pomfrey!” Harry piped up. “I didn’t know you had a sister.”
Poppy nodded. “I do. I don’t recommend them. I will see you all later.” She grabbed a handful of floo powder and stepped into the fireplace, only when she threw the floo powder down and shouted “Hospital Wing!”, nothing happened. “Severus?”
Severus frowned. “Step out of there Poppy. I’ll walk you upstairs, on my way to ask Albus why my floo has been disconnected. Boys, behave.” Once he received two nods from the teenagers he and Poppy made their way to the door, only to find that it wouldn’t open. “What in-” He cast about 10 different unlocking charms to no avail.
“Check for magical signatures.” She bit out.
He did. “You’ve got to be kidding.”
“What’s going on?” Draco asked.
“Albus has locked us all in together.” He ran a hand through his greasy hair. “I am going to throttle that man. I swear to Merlin himself.”
Harry frowned. “For how long?”
Severus pinched the bridge of his nose, then a silvery blue phoenix patronus flew into the bedroom. “Hello Severus, Poppy! I have a message for you!” Came Albus’ voice. “One very eager Rosemary Judith Pomfrey has offered to cover the hospital wing this weekend! So the door will be unlocked and your floo will be repaired first thing on Monday morning! You have much to discuss. Hope all goes well, love birds!”
Severus and Poppy looked back at the two horrified teenagers. “That meddling old fool!” He thundered. “I hope you boys didn’t have plans this weekend.”
“All weekend?!” Draco shrieked. They did not agree to that. “It’s the first Hogsmeade weekend!”
Harry groaned. “Ron’s gonna kill me. I was supposed to distract Neville with Herbology crap so he could ask ‘Mione out on a date!”
---
“I could punch you in the face right now, Severus Snape.” Poppy said, once the boy’s went back to Harry’s bedroom to resume studying.
“Yes.”
She raises an eyebrow at him. “That’s it? Yes?”
“Well, I would very much deserve it.”
She stood up and began pacing the sitting room. “You were being a bloody coward, Sev. Now, I’m not saying you weren’t trying to protect me, because you were. I know that. I’m merely stating that you did all of this because you’re scared to lose me .” She stopped pacing and glared at him. “I am scared to lose you too, Severus. But I didn’t have a choice. So I just deal with it. Because whether we’re in a relationship or not, I will never stop loving you!”
“You had a choice. You chose the easy way out. You were being a damned coward!” She sharply turned away from him. “Do you understand how hard it was for me?” She asked quietly. “To treat your boys’ injuries, with you at their bedside and not punch you or kiss you?”
“I was a coward. And I hurt you.” He stood and made his way over to her. “I deserve to be punched, to be hexed. I deserve anything that you may wish to throw at me, Poppy.”
She spun around and wrapped her arms around him. “I don’t want to punch or hex you. As much as you may deserve it.”
He returned the embrace. “I’m so scared I’m going to lose you. I don’t think I’ll survive.” He whispered. “If something happens to you-”
She looked up at him. “If something happens to me, it will be my choice, Severus. It’s my turn to make the choices. And I choose you. It’s worth the risk, to me. I don’t want to live a life where we’re no more than colleagues. I just want you .”
“You have me, my love.” He swore. “I’m so sorry.” He pressed a kiss to the top of her head. “I missed you, Pop. I’ve missed this .” There was a long stretch of silence, where they just held each other. “You think Rosemary will agree to move into the castle?”
“I think I won't be giving her a choice. Especially after this stunt.”
He snorted. “Please forgive me, Poppy.” He begged quietly.
She broke from the embrace and looked up at him. “Consider yourself forgiven. Just stop being an idiot, and marry me already.”
He cupped her cheek and kissed her. They only broke away when they heard a door slam. “Oi! It worked! They’re snogging, Potter!”
“Did he just say ‘it worked ’?”
Poppy laughed. “He did, indeed.”
---
“So, are you guys going to get married now? When? Can I help plan it? I’m not too bad at planning, I used to plan and cater all the parties my aunt and uncle hosted.” Poppy snorted. Severus shook his head. Draco face-palmed. “What?” He asked with furrowed brows.
“Subtlety, Potter. You really oughta work on that.”
Harry flushed. “Right. Sorry, but…”
“Yes. We are engaged again. We do not know when yet. As for the planning, ask Poppy and Minnie. I don’t plan things like that.” Poppy smacked his shoulder. “Okay fine. We’ll be married down here- in the dungeons- everyone will wear black. The bloody baron will officiate. The charming Madam Pince will be there to ensure absolute silence. Filch will be my bestman, and Mrs. Norris can be Minnie’s date.” Harry and Draco were doubled over laughing, Severus was smirking, while Poppy swatted his arm. “What’s wrong? Do you not like my wedding plans?”
“Madam Pomfrey?” Draco questioned after the laughter died down. “I heard a rumour that Potter has his own personal bed in the hospital wing, is that true?”
Harry elbowed him. “Git.”
“Prat.”
“Boys.”
Poppy laughed. “Yes. I engraved his name into the bedpost. I can show you on Monday.”
“You what ?” Harry said, jaw dropped. “You- I- no- Madam Pomfrey! ”
“You boys can call me Poppy.” She said, ignoring Harry’s outburst.
Severus rolled his eyes. “Finish your tea boys. Then go lay down, it’s late and I’ll not have you both lazing about all morning.” He waited until they were nearly out of the room, before adding, “Oh, and boys? Next time the two of you meddle in someone else’s personal life, you will be exuding mucus from flobberworms and pickling frog and rat brains until you die of old age.”
---
Harry sat up with a gasp. Stupid bloody nightmares . He rubbed his eyes and walked over to his desk and sat down, reaching into his bag- that sat next to his desk, on the floor- and pulling out his letter opener. Everyone will be better off without me . He dropped the letter opener. Let’s face it, I cause nothing but death. First it was my parents. Now it’s Cedric. Who’s next? Severus? Malfoy? The Weasley’s? Hermione? He shook his head.
“No.” He whispered. “I’m supposed to kill him.”
Oh please, I’m only 15. How am I supposed to kill a fully trained dark wizard? Dumbledore will figure it out. He glanced at the letter opener on the ground. Pick it up. He listened to the inner voice in his head. Once the letter opener was back in his hand, he placed it to his wrist until he saw blood. Deeper. I deserve it. He dropped the letter opener again.
His wrist wasn’t bad, he only put enough pressure to draw a little blood. He picked up his wand and cleaned the blood from his wrist. Coward. I’m useless. I don’t even have the guts to kill myself. Even if it makes everyone’s life easier.
He dropped his head in his hands- his wand dropping to the floor next to the letter opener- and he sobbed. “I can’t do this anymore.”
Just end it. It will be better for everyone. He shook his head and stumbled out of his hall down the hall to Severus’ bedroom. Before he could talk himself out of it, he knocked on the man’s door. He stood there, shaking and gasping for breath for about 30 seconds before the door swung open. “S-Severus.” Harry gasped out.
With concern etched on his face, Severus pulled the boy into his arms. “Breathe, Harry.” He murmured. “Just breathe for me.” He whispered They only broke apart when Harry’s breathing returned to normal. “Tea?” Harry nodded mutely, and they made their way to the kitchen. “I’ll make us some tea, why don't you get a fire started in the sitting room?”
Harry nodded, grateful for something to do. He got the fire started, then curled up on the couch and waited for Severus. As soon as the man returned, Harry jumped up. “I’m sorry. Did I wake Madam- er… Poppy?”
“Don’t apologise. Sit.” Once they were both comfortably seated on the couch Severus spoke up. “She woke briefly, but I told her to go back to sleep. Don’t worry, she wasn’t upset, only concerned.” He brushed Harry’s hair out of his eyes. “Nightmare?”
“Yeah.” He whispered. “They… they’ve been getting worse.” He looked down. “This last week I’ve hardly had any, but…” He shook his head. “Before that, I’d been having them every night. I- er-” He took a deep breath, steeling himself. “I can handle the nightmares, alone… but-” He sighed, hugging his knees to his chest. “I think I’ve gone ‘round the bend, Severus.”
He frowned. “What makes you say that?”
“Well, when that rumour started about… me being the one to… kill him.” He choked out. “That was in the second week of school. Seamus said something to me about it… and I freaked out and ran into the loo. I had a really bad… I don’t remember what it’s called. It was like I was back there. In the maze. With Cedric.”
“A flashback?”
Harry nodded. “Yeah, that’s it. Anyways, um do you remember back in Spinner’s End when that happened when I broke that plate?” He knew he was all over the place, but Severus nodded, so he was pretty sure that the man was keeping up. “Well, I only managed to remember where I was when I hurt my hand.”
Severus’ entire body tensed up. “Okay…”
“Well… I remembered that. It… it distracted me from what was going on in my head. And so… when- when that happened in the dorm, I transfigured a n-needle that I found into a letter opener and- and I’ve been-” He broke off, swallowing the sob the was threatening to escape, and just yanked his sleeve up and showed Severus. “I’m sorry.” He whispered. “I-”
Severus didn’t say anything. He gently grabbed Harry’s wrist and examined the scars. He pointed to the fresh ones. “Did you do this tonight, Harry?” Harry nodded. “I’m going to heal it, alright?” He said, before tracing the opened wound with his wand.
“I’m sorry.” He sobbed. “I’m sorry. I’m so messed up and-and people are just being so-so awful and I can’t do it anymore, I can’t. That-that’s why I woke you, be-because I kept having these t-terrible thoughts.”
Severus pulled the crying teenager into his arms. “What kind of thoughts, Harry?”
“That everyone would be better off without me.” He whispered brokenly, clutching onto his guardian's sleeping gown. “M-my parents are dead because He wanted to kill me. Cedric is dead because he was just there . I don’t want other people to die, just because they’re there . I can’t- I’m not… I-” He broke off dissolving into sobs. “I-I know I have to live. I have to kill him b-”
“Stop right there, Harry.” Severus said firmly. “You don’t have to kill him. You are a child . Do you understand me? Look at me.” Harry looked up and Severus ran his hand through the vulnerable boy's hair. “I promise you that no one would be better off without you. I- for one- would be devastated . Just as I know Draco will. Or your friends. Or the Weasley’s. There are so many people that care for you.”
“But what if you all die because you care for me?”
Severus held the boy tighter. “What if we all die regardless of our connection with you? I am a traitor, Draco is seen as one as well. We’re marked for death- circumstances that you played no role in- the Weasley’s and Longbottom’s are viewed as blood traitors. Granger is muggle-born. All of us are on the side of the Light. There will be a war, and people will lose their lives, but that is war. It is inevitable. Not everything falls on your shoulders, Harry.”
“It’s not fair.” He whispered.
Severus sighed. “It’s not. I want you to make me a promise. If you ever get an urge to hurt yourself or if you have these thoughts, I want you to come to me. I don’t care what time it is. I don’t care if I’m teaching a class. You are more important than any class I may have.”
“I promise.” Harry whispered. “I’m sorry, I know I should have come to you sooner, I just… I don't know how . I’m used to someone… caring .” He admitted.
Severus nodded. “I’m just glad that you managed to come to me before it was too late.” He kissed the top of Harry’s head, causing the boy to freeze up, before relaxing into the man’s arms. “I don’t know what I would do if I lost you, Harry.” He mumbled. “That brings me to the next thing.” He took a breath. “I want to speak to Professor Sprout. She used to be a mind healer, before teaching. She’s been quite worried about you.”
“She has?”
Severus nodded. “She’s been trying- for the past month- to get me to set up a session for you, but you’ve made it very clear to me of your opinions on mind-healers.”
“I will.” He whispered. “I’ll talk with her. I think… I don’t… I want to get better. I know this isn’t normal. The way I’ve been feeling… what I’ve been doing.” He lowered his head, and went back to resting it on Severus’ chest. He knew he should be embarrassed- he was practically laying on top of the man- but he couldn’t bring himself to care.
“I’m going to confiscate the letter opener Harry.” The boy nodded. “ Accio Harry Potter’s letter opener.” When the object zipped into the room, Severus expertly caught it by the handle with his non-dominant hand. With the wave of his wand it disappeared with a pop .
Harry watched as his only form of relief disappeared. He sucked in a breath and squeezed his eyes shut. He knew it was bound to happen. But seeing it just… leave was something else entirely. He stared at Severus’ empty hand, with trembling lips.
Then Severus repositioned them in a more comfortable position. Severus was now leaning against the arm of the couch cradling- the now sobbing- Harry to his side. Harry’s legs were curled up against Severus, until his sobs died down. Severus looked down at the boy as his breathing evened out and he fell into a deep sleep. Once he was sure that Harry was sleeping, he lowered the boy's head down into his lap, and uncurled the poor boy's legs, so he wasn’t too uncomfortable. Sighing, he decided to just rest his eyes for a moment, before levitating the boy back to his bedroom.
That’s how Poppy found them just over 2 hours later when she woke up at 6:30am. Harry- with his tear-stained face- lying on the couch, with his head resting in Severus’ lap. And Severus, sitting up with his head laid back, asleep. One hand resting on Harry’s head, and the other resting on the boy’s chest, rising and falling with each breath Harry took.