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Within Ourselves

Chapter 31

Notes:

Final chapter!!! I'll talk some more about my plans going forward in the end note :3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

After they’d spent countless hours cleaning everything, Raph had fallen into bed, completely exhausted. The next day had passed in a blur until suddenly, everyone had packed what little things they actually owned around here. 

They’d leave tomorrow. 

Despite wanting nothing more than to return to the city ever since Leo woke up, Raph felt nervousness pool in his stomach. Part of him thought it was too sudden. Another part knew that it wasn’t. They’d only ever planned on staying here until Leo was doing better, which he was by now. There was little reason to stay any longer and give the Kraang more time to tighten their grip on New York. 

Raph was excited. He was excited, but he also couldn’t help but dread it. They’d been safe here. The same wouldn't hold true for New York. 

Or at least they had been safe at the farmhouse, until that monster had been unleashed. The whole experience did sour his feelings on the matter. Maybe even if they weren’t looking for trouble, it would still find them, no matter where they went. Great way to really ruin a nice place if you asked him.

Still, they weren’t leaving just yet. They had one more night here before the big trip back, and they had plans to make the most of it. 

He shook his head to get his thoughts to stop, rocking back and forth on the balls of his feet where he stood in front of the microwave. It dinged as it finished its countdown, and he grabbed the bowl of popcorn he’d been watching cook inside. They were going to watch a movie, and whether his racing mind wanted to or not, he’d enjoy it. Snacks were a good start in that regard.

Shutting off lights as he went, he made his way back to the rest of the group. Casey stuck to his side as soon as he entered the living room, and a moment later, his bowl was stolen from him. 

“Hey, give that-” 

“Shh, quiet!” Mikey hissed, turning his whole body around from where he was lounging on the couch to glare at him. “It’s starting!” 

Popcorn forgotten, Raph jumped over to the rest of them and realized, much to his dismay, that the couch was already full. Leo, Mikey, and April had all decided to take up extra space and claim the whole couch for themselves. Donnie had taken over the armchair—with Cluckingsworth perched on the back of it—so that left only one other place. Raph sighed and dropped to the floor next to Casey, snatching the popcorn bowl back out of her thieving hands in the process. He ignored her muffled protests as he set about getting comfortable. At least the others had been generous enough to give them some pillows and blankets. 

The familiar intro to Crognard blared into the room, and from then on Raph forgot about everything else. 

They’d gotten extremely lucky that the movie was running today of all days, and he certainly wasn’t going to waste that by squabbling with his siblings about a place on the couch. 

The movie started out tame enough, with Crognard and his companions slaying another creature that had been terrorizing the land. As they returned back to the main city however, a new villain appeared and transformed all the other people into grotesque monsters. Raph stared at the screen, raptured by the sudden horrors taking place right in front of him. 

Spooch was thrown as a distraction, and the others quickly made their exit from the city just as commercials started playing. 

“Man, they can’t just leave us at that!” Mikey groaned. Raph twisted his head back to see Mikey pout and glare at the screen in anger, as if that could make Crognard come back. 

Donnie turned to look at him as well. “That’s called a cliffhanger, Mikey.” 

Mikey, for his part, only rolled his eyes at Donnie. 

As they waited for the commercials to end, Raph eagerly chewed down the popcorn. Casey noticed, and promptly shoved a handful into her own mouth, like a challenge. Raph felt the corner of his lips twitch in a grin. If that was what she wanted, Raph would show her. He grabbed more popcorn than she had and stuffed it into his mouth as well. Casey was still chewing, but that didn’t stop her from putting more popcorn into her mouth. Raph refused to be outdone and copied her. 

Right before Casey could grab into the bowl again, it was suddenly lifted out of her grip by Leo. 

“Leave some for the rest of us,” he said, giving both of them his best disapproving glare. The worst part was that Raph couldn’t even retort anything because his mouth was still full. 

Thankfully, the movie chose that moment to continue, saving him from this particular argument. 

For some inexplicable reason, Spooch was with the others again, and continued to be annoying. After going on a journey to the villain’s castle, Wizardess found a spell to reverse everyone back into normal people, and, after another commercial break, she got to casting it while Crognard pummeled the villain into the ground. 

The movie ended with the rescued people promising their undying loyalty to Crognard and his companions as the credits started rolling. 

“Dude,” Casey nudged Raph’s side with her arm, “do you think the New Yorkers are gonna celebrate us like that too after we save them?” 

Raph huffed. “We’ve already saved them from an alien invasion and didn’t get any thanks. There’s no way that’s gonna change now.” 

“Man, what a bumme-” April cut her off by kicking Casey’s back lightly. “Ow!” 

April gave her a look. “We’re not doing this for fame, Casey.” 

Casey lifted her hands,  defensive. “I know, I know. But–" she said, rubbing her chin as she gave them a shit-eating grin, "–it’d still be wicked to be celebrated as the heroes we are once we kick those Kraang back to where they belong.” 

She leaned back, gesturing around in a wide arc. “Just imagine the huge parade they’d throw for us. Casey and her sidekicks saved the world, that’d be so metal.” 

“Excuse me?” Donnie’s voice was full of disbelief. “You are our sidekick.” 

“What? No way!” she laughed, turning to Raph. “Right?” 

Raph shrugged, suppressing a smile. “Eh. I agree with Donnie on this.” 

Casey's eye twitched. “Mikey?” she asked, desperation in her voice now increasingly obvious.

Mikey just shook his head solemnly. “Sorry, bro. You’re total sidekick material.”

“You just wait and see!” Casey scoffed, glaring at them all, but Raph could tell she was enjoying herself by the glint in her eyes. “I’ll show you all what Casey Jones is really made of!” 

Despite her bold and goading words, Casey didn’t make any move to get up. Even if she had, Raph doubted anyone would’ve wanted to spar with her right now, anyway. He certainly wouldn’t have, not when they were all sitting together like this. The Crognard movie might’ve ended, but the television kept running and Raph didn’t feel like doing anything else besides watching some b-movie about unnecessary human squabbles. 

He would’ve preferred another cartoon, sure, but whatever crime drama they’d landed on was the perfect mix of dull and exciting to keep him focused on it without getting invested in anything. 

Conversation had died down for a little while, but Mikey broke the silence between them all before too long. “What’re we gonna do with the chickens now?” he asked, deeply worried in a way that shocked Raph coming from him all of a sudden.

Donnie hummed. “I talked with Cluckingsworth and she wants to stay here. I’m sure she can take care of them.” 

Above him, Cluckingsworth made what Raph assumed was a sound of approval. 

Mikey’s relieved sigh was clearly audible. “Thanks, dude,” he said, turning to grin at Cluckingsworth. ”I know you’re gonna take great care of them!” 

Maybe Raph had missed out on something, but his brother was placing a lot of trust in a chicken that had been mutated for less than a week. Then again, Donnie seemed to trust her enough to let her close to his tech, too. That had to say something about her capabilities.

For a while, Mikey kept talking to Cluckingsworth about all the things she needed to pay attention to, but Raph tuned that conversation out in favor of focusing on the mediocre show they were still technically all watching. It didn’t take long for Mikey’s words to be interrupted by yawns, and soon enough, he grew quiet. 

Raph turned his head to look at him, but Mikey wasn’t quite asleep just yet. His eyes were directed towards the screen, but they slipped closed every few seconds. Each time it took him a little longer to open them again. 

The others were evidently growing more tired too, and Raph could feel sleep creeping up on himself as well. A few minutes later, he felt a soft impact on his shoulder. He glanced down—Casey had fallen asleep, her head now resting against Raph. 

Someone found the TV remote and turned the volume down. Raph could still make out what was being said, but only barely. 

After the movie eventually ended (the killer had been the detective’s best friend, a twist Raph had seen coming a mile away), he checked to see who was still awake. Obviously Casey was asleep, as were Donnie and Cluckingsworth in their armchair, the chicken resting very comfortably in the crook of Donnie's arm. April and Mikey were sleeping on the couch now too, curled up against the armrests. Only Leo, who was sitting right between the two, remained awake. 

He caught Raph’s eyes and gave him a small smile, but it didn’t reach his eyes. If Raph had to guess, he wasn’t just being kept awake by watching the TV, but rather by his own mind. 

Not knowing how else to question him about it, Raph just decided to go for it. “You okay there?” he said lowly. 

For a moment, it looked like Leo was going to shrug, but he thought better of it, with  Mikey leaning against one of his sides. “Yeah, sure. I think so.” 

That didn’t sound very convincing, something Leo noticed himself based on the way he cringed at it. “I’m just worried, I think," he whispered. "About how this is gonna go.” 

“Me too.” The words were out of his mouth before Raph realized. He hadn’t allowed himself to really think about it before now, but taking back New York was going to be hard. The last time they’d fought the Kraang, they’d barely gotten away with their lives, and Leo had only survived out of sheer luck after sacrificing himself. And now, when they had to flee New York, Leo had almost been taken from them again. 

He swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat. 

This wasn’t going to be easy. The Kraang, for all that they made fun of them sometimes, were dangerous enemies. He knew just as well as Leo did that they were running head first into that danger, with the very real possibility that not all of them would make it back. 

The thought made Raph furious. He wouldn’t allow anything to take his brothers away, not after all the pain and heartache they’ve already suffered through. This anger was something he could work with, something he could channel during fights to give him just the smallest edge, like that damned deer quest had taught him. 

He hesitated over his next words, but when they came out they were full of conviction. “I trust you, Leo,” he said.

“What?” 

“I trust all of us.” He glanced at his other two brothers, as well as the two humans. “If anyone can do this, it’s gonna be us.” 

Leo stared at him for a moment, something like annoyance on his face, but realization dawned quickly enough. Something else appeared in his eyes, something Raph liked to think was the same kind of trust he was putting in Leo. 

“You’re right,” Leo said. Then he paused, sudden insecurity mixing into his expression. “But what if I can’t? What if…” He trailed off, but Raph could still fill in the blanks.

What if he wasn’t good enough? 

Raph reached out to him, the angle uncomfortable as he tried  to avoid waking anyone up, but he still made do. His hand found a way to land on Leo’s knee—the one that hadn’t been injured—and Raph left it there, suddenly feeling awkward about it all. “Listen to me, Leo," he said firmly. "You can, got it?” 

“You can’t just–” he stumbled, looking for the right word, “you can’t just will that into existence.” 

“Watch me.” He breathed, trying to get the defiant tone out of his voice again. Fighting with Leo about this definitely wasn’t how he wanted to spend their last night here. “You’re great at what you do, even if you can’t see that sometimes," he told him, conviction behind every word. "Even if I fight with you about it.” 

For a few moments, Leo didn’t say anything. Then, he nodded, more to himself than anyone else. “Thanks, Raph.” 

“I mean it,” Raph said, just for good measure. He wasn’t sure if Leo actually believed him or just wanted out of this conversation, but Raph was going to drive his point home. “We’re gonna beat the Kraang like they’ve never been beaten before and take back our city.” 

Leo exhaled. He seemed a little lighter afterwards, like he’d finally found something to cling to. “Yeah, we will.” 






As Leo walked through the farmhouse one last time, something twisted his heart. 

Something like loss. 

He was going to miss this place. He’d known it would never be permanent, and yet the farm had started to feel like a second home before he’d even realized. 

They’d packed their things the day before, then double and triple checked that everyone had their stuff this morning. Not that there was a lot of that—most were clothes April and Casey had bought in the nearest village. If he was honest, Leo wasn’t trying to look for any last bits and pieces they’d overlooked, he just wanted to see the farmhouse one last time. 

It was clean now, but once they were gone dust would settle over everything again. There hadn’t been any real reason to clean it days prior to leaving, but Leo still wanted to leave it orderly. He knew it was just a house, but it felt weirdly disrespectful to not give it that last bit of care—a thanks for all it had done for them. After all, if they hadn't  been able to come here, they’d all be off worse in one way or another. 

By the time he finished his last sweep, the others were already busy loading the van. A few bags had been placed into the back, mostly filled with the aforementioned clothing. Mikey had also prepared food for when they’d be on the road, which was stashed back there too, as well as some of the stuff from the tech barn. That was pretty much everything. 

The past months of their lives were all contained within those bags, now, or at least the parts of it they’d take with them. Just like April’s memories of her mom had stayed here, some of their memories would linger in this place as well. And—just like April had—they’d also always carry part of it with them. 

Leo looked up at the sky. A few wispy clouds raced across it, pushed on by the relentless wind that had greeted them all this morning, but otherwise it was crystal clear. 

He was going to miss this as well. 

Back in New York, he’d never minded only going out at night, but now he’d grown accustomed to seeing the sky in all the light blues and grays it had to offer. Even the night sky was going to be different once they were back in the city. The countless street lamps and billboards and traffic lights and buildings were going to cover it again, letting only the light of a few stars reach them. 

It was going to take some time to adjust to that. 

At the same time, excitement bubbled up in Leo, threatening to overwhelm him. They were going home again. 

They’d still need to face the Kraang, and probably also Shredder, and somehow free the city from them, but that didn’t fill Leo with as much dread as it had the past few days. 

Something about what Raph had said last night had resonated with him. His brother trusted him. They all did. Leo needed to trust himself, too. If not for his own sake, then for theirs. He could do that. 

There wasn’t a lot left to do- actually, there wasn’t anything left to do, so Leo stayed where he was, enjoying the last few breaths of the countryside air. 

He was joined by Casey before too long, though something was obviously on her mind. She had her shoulders drawn up, looking distinctly unsure in a way that clashed with his usual image of her unshakable confidence and swagger. Leo nudged her side, keeping his voice light. “What’s up?” 

Casey sighed. “I mean, I know I’m wicked cool and just about the greatest person to ever live, but…” She trailed off, closing her arms in front of her chest. “You think people are gonna be chill with, y’know, the whole girl thing?” 

That had never even crossed Leo’s mind before. It hadn’t been something he’d ever had to worry about before, or any of his brothers for that matter. Most humans hadn’t reacted too kindly to seeing him, so avoiding them altogether had been the name of the game. Casey couldn’t exactly do that, not if she still wanted to go to school and do all the other normal human things people did. 

Would Splinter accept him if he came out as a girl? Leo wanted to think he would. He’d accepted the fact that he was a rat raising four turtles easily enough, Leo doubted he’d have any problem with Casey being a girl. 

Splinter wasn’t the only person back in New York, though. “If your classmates are weird about it, that’s their problem. You-” 

“I’m not talking about them. I don’t care what they think. I think.” Casey glanced at the ground. “I’m talking about my dad. My family.” 

Oh. Of course she was. 

Leo’s thoughts had immediately jumped to Splinter, to his own father, obviously Casey would be thinking about her family too. Unlike with Kirby, Leo had never met Casey’s father or her sister. He didn’t know how they’d react. He didn’t want to give her false hope, but he also definitely didn’t want to tell her that her family wouldn’t understand. 

He settled for something that avoided giving her a full answer. “You’re always gonna have us, no matter what," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder and squeezing tight. "We’re your family too and we’re definitely ‘chill with the girl thing’, Casey.”

She turned to look at him, relief shimmering in her eyes. “Thanks, dude. That means a lot.” He smiled back, returning to looking out at the lawn.

The mutual silence that settled between them didn’t last long. 

Mikey joined them a few moments later, carrying Cluckingsworth in his arms and looking about as sad as a lost puppy. He used his head to gesture to the chicken he was holding. “Do you guys wanna say goodbye too?” he asked.

Cluckingsworth, for her part, looked like she didn’t mind being carried around like a baby. If she did, Leo doubted she’d still be here. 

“Sure thing,” Casey smiled. The confident pep that had been missing from her voice before was back now. “Goodbye, Doc. Take good care of everything,” she said, giving the chicken a little salute.

Leo wasn’t quite sure how to go about it. He’d barely even known Cluckingsworth, both pre- and post-mutation, but that didn’t mean he wanted to be unfriendly to her. He reached out his hand, but halfway through the motion he realized she couldn’t exactly shake it, and by then it was too late. It hovered between them awkwardly as he spoke. “Uh, it was nice to make your acquaintance, Dr. Cluckingsworth.” 

She let out a sound that could mean anything from approval to a declaration of war, but Leo decided to hope it meant something positive. To finish their goodbye, Cluckingsworth pecked at his outstretched hand. It had been a pretty light peck, so maybe it had been in a friendly way. He couldn’t be sure. 

Before he could ask Mikey for clarification, his brother had already moved on, now presenting Cluckingsworth to April. 

Casey took one last look at the farmhouse, then at the tech barn and sighed. She inhaled and exhaled again, then turned around and headed for the driver’s seat. Donnie had jumped into the back of the van by now, already getting comfortable leaning against the bags inside there. 

Once April had bid her farewell to Cluckingsworth as well, she headed for the van, but stopped next to Leo. She turned back to look at the farmhouse with him for a moment. “You’re gonna miss it as well,” she said.

It wasn’t a question, but Leo still decided to answer her. “Yeah, I think I will.” 

April nodded, a jerky movement that did nothing to hide how close she was to tearing up. She wiped a hand across her face long before any tears could start to spill and turned away. 

When she headed for the van this time, Leo followed her. April got into the passenger’s seat and he hopped into the back, where Raph was busy getting comfortable and annoying Donnie in the process. 

Only Mikey was still missing. 

He clutched Cluckingsworth close to his chest one final time, careful not to hurt her, then sat her down. His next words were too low for Leo to make out, but the wave he gave the rest of the chickens scattered around them made it clear enough that he was saying his goodbyes. He looked at them all for a few moments longer, then headed to the van as well. 

It made Leo’s heart ache to see how obviously painful this goodbye was for him. When Mikey climbed into the back, he closed the doors behind him, a gesture that felt utterly final. 

They were doing this now. They were heading back to New York. 

Casey started the motor and then off they went, back towards old enemies. 

Mikey was still standing, looking out through the backdoors as the farmhouse grew smaller and smaller. At some point, presumably when he could no longer make any of the chickens out, Mikey slid down onto the ground. 

Leo shuffled over to him and placed an arm around his shoulders. Mikey didn’t hesitate to lean into him, curling up as much as he could. “I already miss them,” he mumbled into Leo's shell.

“Cluckingsworth is gonna take great care of them all,” he said, rubbing comforting circles into his brother's back. He’d known this would be painful for Mikey, who was leaving behind more than just memories, but being aware of that didn’t make it any easier to see his little brother so sad. 

Sensei would know what to say right now, but he wasn’t here. Leo had to try his best on his own. “You’re not saying goodbye forever," he told Mikey. "We can always come back here again, okay?” 

That seemed to make it better, at least a little bit. Mikey nodded into the embrace. “You promise?” he asked.

Leo was making an awful lot of promises recently, but he intended to keep his word. “I promise.” 

Mikey nodded again, this time seeming more sure of himself. 

“Let’s look forward for now.” Leo squeezed him a little closer, looking over their little family packed in the van headed on the road back home. “We’ve got a city to save.”

Notes:

Acknowledgments

There's books much shorter than this fic, so I figured it's in order to have my own acknowledgements section. I couldn't have done this without all the support I got. Firstly, I want to thank my beta, Megan. Without them, this fic wouldn't be what it is. They've given me so much valuable feedback and brilliant editing, I've noticed myself improving just absorbing how they've edited things. I also want to thank everyone else in the cowabunga dudes server, your support means the world to me. Specifically, I want to thank Mech for always cheering me on and sharing its thoughts with me. Also big shoutout to Sadie and Zooid, I'm sure you two will one day get here <3 Another shoutout to Wyver. I'm a huge fan of vyr Frida fic and I'm still so thrilled that vy read this fic. And yet another shoutout to Robin. She's amazing and a great person to share my writing with.

I also want to thank the Chilis for being awesome friends and taking this project ( my interest in tmnt) seriously. Without MxThirteen and Daughwrofstorm especially I would've felt much more alone in writing this. Thirteen gave some brilliant input on the trans Casey subplot (the mask conversation during the campfire scene was his idea) and talking to Storm about writing fanfic (and reading each other's fic) is always the highlight of my days. I also want to thank honorary Chili J for being cool and awesome and giving me a really specific compliment about my writing that I will treasure forever.

Lastly, I want to thank everyone who comments on this fic. I treasure every word down in the comments section, you guys are the reason I kept sharing this fic. Especially big thanks go to serial commenters, such as Dragonlover, LetMeSleep, Micheal_X, Weaver, Love Strikes Again, Sarah, Leafgreen, Enchanting, MossHeaven, Ava Mitis, Cupcakes and Rye. I really, really appreciate you all.

I also appreciate you, person reading this. Thank you for following me on this journey and enjoying this fic, whether that was while it was getting posted or years down the line. I appreciate it.

So, what now?

As I've said before, I'm continuing this rewrite. I'm currently roughly outlining the rest of the series (I'm at the mind-control arc right now) and then I'll write each arc. I'm planning on uploading them like this fic; first fully writing everything, then sharing it here. So uh, it's gonna be a while until the next installment. This fic took me around eight months to complete, so we're looking at a similar timeframe to that. I will say though, that I think the next arc will be shorter than this, so I might be done earlier. Then again, I thought I could finish this arc in 50k, and that clearly didn't work out lol

In the meantime, I'm also working on other (much shorter) fanfics! Next goal is to finish my "Ronin gets thrown into the Rise Universe when the turtles are still babies" fic, but because 2012 is my everything, I've obviously also got a few more oneshots and the final chapter of Solace planned <3

Lastly, if you want some more updates about this fic series before the next installment drops at some point next year, check out my tumblr :3 I want to actually talk about my writing and this series over there because it's quite honestly all that's on my mind. Turtles will do that to you, I guess

Again, thank you so, so much to everyone who joined me for this journey! This fic has been a huge part of my life for the past year and I'm really, really happy I get to share it with everyone here

Notes:

Thanks for reading!!! If you want, feel free to leave a comment or come yell at me over on tumblr :D

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