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Within Ourselves

Summary:

When Leo wakes up in a place he's never seen before, three months have passed. Three months that his family had been worried sick about him, three months for him to recover from his loss against Shredder and the resulting brush with death. Despite all the time that has passed, the wounds of his failure still sit deep.

But between the Kraang controlling New York City and the fate of his father still being undecided, Leo has no time to waste. If only the universe didn't have other plans.

Raph has spent every waking second looking after Leo and now that his brother is finally, despite all odds, awake again, he doesn't know what to do with himself. It's just his luck that—despite being forced to live together for months—everyone else has more than enough problems to bother him with.

 

Or, my take on what the 2012 Farmhouse Arc could've been like

Notes:

Okay, I won't ramble for too long, but man, am I excited to finally share this in its full glory!! I've been working on this fic for roundabout eight months now and now it's finally completed!!!!

Enourmous shoutout to the cowabunga dudes server for cheering me on (and threatening to haunt me) <333 I don't think I could've done this without you guys. Also HUGE thanks to my lovely beta Megan, who helped me get this fic to where I wanted it to be. And lastly, shoutout to my good irl bestie who listened to be ramble about [spoiler]. You're a real one <3

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Notes:

CW: brief mentions of (almost) drowning

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Reality returned to Leo in fragments. Small sensations he couldn’t place rattled around in his head, disrupting the peaceful quiet he’d found himself engulfed in. Part of him wanted to dismiss them, to fade back into the nothingness surrounding him like an embrace, but his blurry thoughts caught on something.

His brothers. The Foot Clan. Shredder .

Water had filled the world around him, pressing against him and desperately trying to replace the air in his lungs, but he’d made it out. He must’ve made it out.

Yes, he could feel himself breathe evenly. Leo clung to the way his lungs expanded and collapsed with each new breath. His heart was beating somewhere in his chest, a slow and steady rhythm, completely unlike the way he remembered it struggling to pump blood through his veins when he’d been fighting. His limbs still felt as impossibly heavy, but at least he could feel them.

His hands were folded on his plastron as usual, as if he’d gone to sleep in his own bed, but he certainly didn’t remember doing that. The last thing he remembered was the fight with Shredder, or bits of it at least. It was like his memories had been blended together into a slurry he couldn’t grasp. His body still remembered the ice cold water surrounding him, and Leo felt his throat close up, sending a jolt of pain through him.

He couldn’t- He wasn’t- Something warm and soft was surrounding his body. It wasn’t water.

It also wasn’t his bed. He knew what his ancient mattress felt like, with its springs pressing against him, and this most certainly wasn’t it. Whatever was covering him was too light to be his blanket as well. The texture was wrong too, too fluffy and new to be the one he’d refused to give up since he’d been a child.

Suddenly, something familiar pierced the strangeness surrounding him. A voice that instinctively made him feel at ease had yelled something Leo hadn’t caught. It was still enough to make him force his eyes open, eyelids still heavy with exhaustion as he blinked against the sudden influx of light.

His sight confirmed what he’d already guessed. He’d never been in this room before. It was as unfamiliar as the scenery he could see outside the window .

That couldn’t be good. The only safe place with windows he knew was April’s room (and even then, there was still the risk of being spotted by her aunt), but he’d never seen trees , just rooftops. Wherever he was, Leo was certain he’d never been here before.

Just as the feeling of danger crept into his body, he caught sight of Raph.

He was kneeling in front of Leo, wide eyes fixated on him. For once, no scratches or bruises were littering his body and Leo felt the panic settle again. If Raph was unharmed, that had to be a good sign. At least Leo thought so until he realized with a start that Raph’s eyes were glistening with tears. When he spoke, his voice was uncharacteristically quiet and shaky. “...Leo?”

As soon as Leo moved, his whole body ached, instincts telling him to curl up inside his shell, but he didn’t listen. Instead, he leaned over the edge of the bed and placed a shaky hand on Raph’s shoulder. When he realized his body was cooperating, Leo pulled at Raph until he was hugging him. He didn’t know the first thing about what was going on or where they were, but he knew his brother was about to cry. “It’s-”

He cut himself off. Speaking hurt . But he was almost more bothered by what had come out of his mouth because that hadn’t been his voice. It sounded scratchy and weak and so unlike him that Leo felt nauseous.

Raph tightened the hug, clinging to him with a desperation Leo hadn’t expected. He couldn’t remember the last time Raph had been shaken enough to bury his face in Leo’s shoulder.

Speaking was off the table for now, so Leo did the next best thing he could and ran a hand up and down Raph’s shell, attempting to soothe him. Leo didn’t like how unsteady his hand was or how even just moving it felt like it took more strength than anything he’d ever done before, but he continued. He could worry about that after worrying about his brother.

Abruptly, Raph pulled away, taking a shocked Leo by his shoulders. “Don’t. Don’t you dare comfort me, Leo. You’re- you were- I should be the one comforting you .”

Leo stared at him for a moment, brain too foggy to make sense of what he’d just said. Despite his better judgment, Leo opened his mouth. “What?”

Sure enough, speaking was still as painful as a moment ago, but he needed to know. They were in an unfamiliar bathroom with an unfamiliar landscape right behind the windows and Leo had no idea how they’d gotten here or why Raph looked at him like he’d almost-

The door burst open and, too fast for his brain to keep up with, Mikey stormed inside, closely followed by Donnie and even April and Casey. Before he had a chance to react, Mikey crashed into him, hugging Leo just as close as Raph had done moments before and babbling something incoherent. Donnie wasn’t far behind, pressing himself as close to them as he could. Everyone was talking over one another and Leo didn’t understand a single word, but that was okay.

Everything was okay. They were all here, unharmed, alive .

He collapsed into the hugs and let all the noise wash over him. His body felt weak and hurt in places he’d never known about before and his mind had trouble keeping up with all the things happening around him. It was all too loud and too sudden and too much to keep up with and, to his horror, Leo felt himself drift off. He forced his eyes open again. He couldn’t afford to sleep right now, not when he had no idea what was going on.

Before he’d managed to get himself to say anything, the others slowly left the room again, until it was just him and Donnie. Leo couldn’t help but be grateful for the silence.

Donnie looked at him, a gentle smile on his face that clashed with his teary eyes. “You looked like you needed some space.”

Leo mainly needed to sleep, he realized. He felt beyond exhausted, as if he’d trained for a week straight, body and mind ready to collapse as soon as he gave them the chance. He nodded when he noticed Donnie was waiting for a response.

Donnie tilted his head ever so slightly to the side, like there was something about him that he needed to figure out. “You can still talk, right?”

He nodded, before realizing that probably didn’t seem all that believable. As much as he didn’t want to, he’d have to say something. “Uh, yeah.”

His voice still rang dreadfully wrong in his ears and he could see understanding dawn on Donnie’s face at the sound of it.

“Oh. Does speaking hurt? You should take it easy, your vocal cords are probably still healing. Try not to talk too much. You’ll be okay.” Donnie sounded like he meant it, but Leo wasn’t really listening anymore. “Just- Just stay where you are, and I’ll get you some water, okay?”

His vocal cords- the fight against the Foot Clan. The memories came back with the force of the cold water surging around him, trying to drag him under. The hopeless battle that followed. Fishface, Rahzar and Tigerclaw. He’d beaten them, but then how-

“Shredder.” Leo lunged forward, trying to force his exhausted body out of the bed and onto its feet, but Donnie held him back. “Dee, stop, I have to-”

“We’re safe. Leo, we’re safe here. It’s okay.” Leo didn’t dare let his body sink down again, but he stopped pushing against Donnie. “He’s not going to find us here. No one is. We’re safe.”

The fight left his body as quickly as it had entered and Leo leaned against Donnie, suddenly missing the energy to hold himself upright. He trusted him. If Donnie said they were safe here, they were safe here. Even though Leo still had no idea where ‘here’ was.

Donnie was saying something again, but halfway through Leo realized he hadn’t comprehended a single word. A moment later, Donnie seemed to have noticed as well. He gently bumped their shoulders together. “You look like you could use some quiet time.”

Leo nodded with as much desperation as he could muster.

“Lie down, then. We can talk later.” He didn’t need to be told twice. Leo let his body finally go limp and fell to his side, head thankfully landing on the pillow. Donnie surprised him by pulling the blanket out from under him and placing it over his body, and Leo thanked him with a nod. Once that was done, Donnie stood around, torn between giving Leo some space and staying with him.

Before he could make any decision, Leo made it for him. “Stay?”

He looked visibly relieved at those words. “Move over, then.”

Leo did and Donnie crawled into bed with him, stealing part of his blanket in the process. He propped himself up against the headrest, arms around Leo, and Leo took the chance to use Donnie as a pillow, curling up around him as much as his exhausted body allowed.

They’d done this all the time when they were younger, all of them cuddling close in one bed and enjoying each other’s presence. Right now, it was just Donnie and him, but the soothing effect was still the same. Leo might not have any idea where he even was—all the quiet sounds that were impossible to erase from any living space remained as unfamiliar as the bed he was resting on—but Donnie’s breathing was still the same. All the small indents across his plastron were still the same, as was the way his hands rested on Leo’s back.

He knew trying to fight off sleep was futile, so Leo let it roll over him. With Donnie by his side, it didn’t take long for him to drift back into unconsciousness.






Raph’s emotions were much too turbulent to let him focus on anything.

Leo was awake again. He’d spent days, weeks, months sitting by his side, not daring to lose hope and now he’d woken up. He’d woken up and then Donnie had ushered all of them out of the room immediately. And the worst part was Raph couldn’t even fault him for that. Leo had looked out so of it, like he’d barely even understood what was happening. He got why Donnie wanted them to give him some space.

But that didn’t mean Raph knew what to do about it now.

Mikey and Casey were absorbed in some mindless fighting game, but judging by their lack of any skill whatsoever, it was pretty clear they were just trying (and failing) to distract themselves. He didn’t bother trying to talk to either, they were dealing with this in their own ways. April was nowhere to be seen downstairs, so it was just him and his thoughts. Great.

He didn’t know what to do now. Most of the time so far had been spent watching over Leo, but that was off the table now. He’d helped April chop firewood a few times, he might as well go and do some more of that right now, it wasn’t like there was anything better for him to do.

The evening air outside was still warm from a day of relentless sunshine and Raph once again remembered why he hadn’t minded spending all of his time inside. Stupid giant mosquitos were trying to eat him alive as soon as he set a foot out of the front door. He swatted at them, but still made his way over to the little stump they were using to split the wood open. They still had plenty of wood ready to go into their fireplace, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t stock up now. Despite spring approaching, the nights were still cold.

Raph grabbed the ax leaning against the wall of the house as well as a big piece of wood that he placed on the stump. He got in position, took the ax in both hands, lifted it up and let it swing down. The wood split in two with a satisfying crunch. He picked up one of the pieces and repeated the process. He placed the resulting pieces with the others that were ready for use, then grabbed the one still on the ground and split it in two as well.

It was repetitive work, something easy to get lost in, but he didn’t really mind that. It was slowly getting darker and just as he was thinking about how he’d have to stop soon because he wouldn’t be able to see enough, he heard light footsteps approaching. He turned around, ax still in hands and, unsurprisingly, saw April standing a few meters away, very aware of the potential murder weapon in his hands. He placed it against the stump as she came closer.

“So, Leo is awake again, huh?” She sounded like she didn’t really know what to say.

“Yeah,” he replied, and then, before she got the bright idea to ask him about his feelings or something, “let’s spar.”

April failed to look surprised at his suggestion. “Sure. With or without weapons?”

He shrugged. It didn’t really matter, she was a good sparring partner either way. “Let’s go without.”

She nodded and stormed forward. Raph sidestepped her just in time to avoid getting swept off his feet, and also managed to block her fist aiming for his side, but April gave him no time to attack. He played along for a few punches, until he saw a weak spot in her footing. He took advantage of that and tripped her up right as she was about to throw another punch at him. She took the fall with grace and used the momentum to roll back to her feet.

In a real fight, Raph would’ve aimed a kick at her while she was down, but they’d both come to the silent agreement they wouldn’t attack each other like that. And then April was back in her element: offense. Punches rained down on him just as much as kicks while Raph mercilessly took advantage of each opening to retaliate.

It went on like that for another minute or so before he managed to trip her up again, except she wasn’t fast enough in getting up this time. He was pinning her to the ground by her shoulders, knee in her stomach (but not pressing down hard enough to hurt) and April tapped the ground in defeat.

He got off her and reached his hand down to her, which she took. As soon as April was pulled back to her feet, they started again.

Sparring with April was much better than chopping firewood. They could use the training to keep their skills from rusting. And sparring with her was fun, and he could tell she felt the same, even though she was the one who usually had to tap out.

Usually. In a moment of carelessness, she’d managed to grab his wrist and spin around him in such a way that she forced his arm behind his shell with a grip he couldn’t wriggle out of. He slammed his other elbow back, but didn’t hit there and then it was over for him already. She pressed her other arm around his throat and even as he tried to kick her, Raph knew he’d lost.

He tapped against the arm around his throat and April let him go a moment later.

“Break?” she offered and Raph was already nodding before the word had fully left her mouth.

Both of them were breathing heavily and April sunk to the ground almost immediately, sprawling out across the grass. Raph joined her a moment later, his body more than thankful for the pause.

They laid in silence for a few minutes, catching their breath again. Whatever restlessness had plagued Raph before was gone now, replaced with the comfortable hum of adrenaline leaving his body after a good fight. Fighting with Casey (or Leo, before all of this had happened) was rewarding in its own way sure, but there was something about watching April discover a new counter or getting surprised by a new attack from her that was thrilling in a way that fights with the others weren’t. She was still learning and definitely not on the same level as them, but she was learning fast and each spar was filled with something new.

April turned her head to face him and Raph knew what was coming before she said anything. “Are you okay?”

Raph groaned and halfheartedly swatted her. “I guess.”

She didn’t say anything else, but the silence between them wasn’t weird.

“I’m glad he woke up,” he continued after a minute of April waiting patiently, “I just don’t know what to do now.”

April was quiet for another moment. “I don’t think he’d mind you sticking close to him, you know. And I’m usually up for sparring. I could definitely use the practice.”

He didn’t know why he was doing this. He knew she was right, and that there were another billion ways he could spend his time. Back in the sewers, he’d done just fine without sitting vigil in every spare second he could muster. The others were doing fine now too. “Yeah, you’re right.”

Something else was still bugging him, though. “I guess I’m also mad at Donnie for kicking us out.”

She sighed. “Honestly? Me too. I wish we all could’ve talked to Leo more. But you saw what he was like, right? I’d be overwhelmed in that situation too. He’s not gonna go anywhere, we can still talk to him later. Even if waiting sucks.”

He hated it when she was right. “I’m still pissed though.”

April laughed. “Don’t worry, I’ll beat that out of you in a few minutes.”

Oh, she was on . “Watch your mouth, O’Neil. I’m gonna be the one punting you into the ground.”

Despite that, neither of them moved.

The sky had turned fully dark by now. Thousands of stars were visible above their heads. Living where they had been, Raph had always assumed the night sky in real life was always just kind of dull, even though Donnie had shown him more than enough photographs proving the opposite was true. He was still kind of impressed by how crowded the endless void of space was.

April still looked down, sad in a way she’d gotten used to.

“Are you okay?” Well, obviously, she wasn’t, but he didn’t know how else to go about this.

She shrugged. “Don’t get me wrong, I’m thrilled Leo is with us again, I just… I just wish dad would be here too. And Splinter.”

Raph turned to face her. “We’re going to kick Kraang butt and find them, I swear on Mikey’s cooking. And then we’re gonna kick some more Kraang butt because those fuckers deserve it.”

April let out a snort. “ Do Kraang have butts?”

“Well, I’m not gonna ask them and then stand around and wait for a reply. Not when I could punch those puny little bastards.” Raph stretched his arms until he felt a satisfying pop in his shoulders and sat up. “Ready for another round?”

“You bet.”

Notes:

I'll be uploading another chapter tomorrow since it's my birthday, from then on this fic will update fridays and mondays :]