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Giyu slumped back against the door once it finally closed. He was so exhausted that it took everything in his power to not slide down along the wood into a sitting position. The Water Hashira took several deep breaths. Though the air circulated through his body, the breaths did nothing to quell the exhaustion he felt from the long day he had with Tanjiro Kamado.
Every single day that week, which felt more like a month to him, the young demon slayer would not leave him alone. Giyu never had a moment to himself without Tanjiro barging in or appearing out of nowhere. The most embarrassing episode came when he peeked through the window just above his bath. Did Tanjiro have any idea how uncomfortable that was for him? What if he was watching him the whole time that he…? Giyu shuddered. He did not want to think about it.
He kept his guard up as he stepped further into his home in case Tanjiro decided he wasn’t done annoying him quite yet. He could not imagine there would be much more to say after Tanjiro failed to eat that last extra order of soba noodles to win their little food battle. Experience taught him the young demon slayer was full of surprises, so he could never be too sure.
Nothing but peace and quiet greeted him.
Giyu sighed in relief and stepped into one of the many lounges in his mansion. A cup of tea was waiting for him on the chabudai. He smiled softly as he kneeled down on the tatami mat and gratefully sipped the tea. One of his servants must have figured he’d be home right about now and that he’d be tired. He’d have to give that one a little something extra when it came time to pay them.
The master must have put Tanjiro up to this. It was the only explanation for why the boy had been so relentless in trying to get him to open up. As kind as Tanjiro was – to an absolute fault – there was no way he would go this far without the prompting of someone else. It was certainly a noble attempt, but Master Kagaya definitely had selfish motives for sending Tanjiro to bug him like this. That would be blasphemous to any of the other Hashiras, but Giyu was all too familiar with the true nature of humans and knew that even the master was capable of such things.
He wasn’t joining the Hashira training; not when he didn’t feel worthy of it. Giyu did tell Tanjiro he would, but now he was having second thoughts. He hoped Tanjiro would be the one to supplant him as the Water Hashira, but the boy harnessing his Fire Breathing technique squashed any of those hopes. Giyu wasn’t so much upset at Tanjiro as he was with himself. This whole thing could have been avoided if he had died that night at Final Selection like he was supposed to.
He’d wanted to die since the day he found out he had passed Final Selection. What should have been the best day turned into the worst day when he found out that Sabito had been killed. His heart skipped a beat at the thought of his dear, deceased friend. The two of them were supposed to become great demon slayers together. Sabito would have probably been the Water Hashira instead of him. Rightfully so – he was that talented of a swordsman.
The pain of losing someone you were extremely close to is something one does not get over so easily. Especially when it was you who should have died instead of that person. When Giyu found out Sabito did not survive with everyone else, it felt as though a thousand hot swords had impaled him right through his entire torso. He had never cried so much and for as long as he did that awful morning when he woke up from being unconscious. He had lost not just a friend, but a significant part of himself.
Sabito was more than just his dear friend. The two of them shared so much together that it was not long before they became lovers in secret. Late at night, the two of them would sneak off into the forest next to Urokodaki’s house and enjoy each other’s presence until the sun came up the next morning. They’d hug, kiss, tell intimate secrets, whisper sweet nothings – just about anything that two young teenage boys in love would do. They were each other’s first in just about every category imaginable – yes, even that. Just before they left for Final Selection together, they promised that they would always stay by each other’s sides and fight demons as a team. He could remember the smile on Sabito’s face when they made that promise. It still sent his heart aflutter.
Giyu felt something wet drip down his cheek. He reached up and touched it. Once he did that, there was no point in stopping his tears anymore. No one else was around to possibly ridicule him for dropping the mask of aloofness he always seemed to wear – Kocho mainly. At last, he could let out everything he held in on a regular basis.
He felt so alone. First his parents, then his older sister, and then the one person he loved more than anything in this whole world were all taken from him. It wasn’t fair.
“I never left you, Giyu.”
Giyu froze in place. That voice. It was so warm and familiar. To his surprise, his shoulders felt heavy like a great weight had been placed on them. His whole body now felt warm as well. It felt like there were arms around his neck and resting on his chest. Giyu reached up to his chest in reflex. His hands felt nothing but his own shoulders. There was nothing there, but his mind and body couldn’t tell the difference. The smile returned to his face.
The Water Hashira looked to his right and saw a pair of violet eyes framed by peach hair looking at him with love and warmth. His heart skipped a beat. He never thought he’d ever gaze into those eyes ever again. This had to be a dream or a personification of his exhaustion from Tanjiro’s persistent buggery. Whatever it was, Sabito was here in front of him.
His lower lip trembled. His voice sounded like it was teetering on the edge of an unstable bridge as it came out of his mouth.
“Sabito.” More tears dripped down his cheeks. “It’s really you.”
Sabito nodded. “Yes.” His hand rested against Giyu’s head and stroked it. Giyu closed his eyes to savor the warmth that he felt. It felt like old times when Giyu and Sabito would lay in either one’s futon and talk all night. It may not have been the real thing, but it did more for him than Sabito could imagine. “You’ve grown so handsome since I last saw you.”
Giyu blushed. “That’s what happens when you grow up. You change,” he replied. A quick breath went in and out of his diaphragm. “I changed.”
Sabito smiled. “Not so much from what I can see. You’ll still always be that cute boy that stole my heart the first time I saw you that night when Urokodaki brought you to the house.”
His face grew hotter. That was the day his life changed forever, for better as well as for worse. He took a breath and sipped his tea. Sabito was only a spirit after all, so he couldn"t stop him from doing that. Feeling his presence gave Giyu the greatest sense of comfort and happiness he had felt in many years. Not since that dreadful morning after Final Selection. In a world where you never knew if you’d live to see the next day at any given time, such moments were few and far between.
Giyu’s head dipped slightly as he looked down at the table. There were many things he wanted to say to Sabito after all these years, but one important thing rushed to the forefront of his mind and ran off his lips like water over a cliff.
“Why did you have to die?” he asked. “Your bravery and selflessness to save everyone did not deserve to go unrewarded. Everyone else made it except for you. It’s not fair.”
“Giyu–“
“The hand demon should have killed me instead. Not you.”
Giyu bit his lip before his emotions could run amok. They threatened to spill over so he bit down harder. A hint of copper spilled onto his tongue. He didn’t even notice if Sabito gave an answer. It didn’t matter.
“I survived, but I didn’t earn the right to be called a demon slayer, let alone a Hashira. You should have lived to be the Water Hashira instead of me.” He sniffled as he reached emotional overload. “Why is it that those who are strong and have a limitless capacity for kindness die young while those who are weak but lucky survive? It’s not fair.”
Large tears fell down his cheeks as he silently cried. That was something he had wanted to say for so long, but never had the right audience to share it with. If he dared to talk that way in front of any of the other Hashiras, they’d ridicule him; if he dared to talk that way in front of any other demon slayers, they’d lose all respect for his authority as a Hashira – not that he cared about that. He had no one he could talk with about this. Tanjiro was always a good listener, but there were still things he’d be better off not knowing about him.
“Have you gotten everything you needed to say off your chest?” Sabito asked softly.
Giyu wiped his nose with the sleeve of his haori. When he opened his eyes, he saw that it was the checkered pattern side – part of what had been Sabito’s tunic. He wasn’t done getting everything off his chest, but he had a feeling the spirit of his beloved friend and lover had something important to say. He nodded.
“Good, because I have a lot to say as well.” Sabito took a breath. His voice stayed as calm and kind as he remembered it. “Fate has a funny way of turning a corner when you least expect it.” A wistful smile then appeared on his face. “It was fate that made Urokodaki find you and it was fate that brought you and me together as friends and as lovers. In the end, it was my choice to ensure your safety at the cost of my own life.”
Giyu sniffled and craned his head around to look into Sabito’s eyes. “Why me?” he asked. “Why give your life to save me? I have nothing else to live for.”
Sabito’s smile faded a little as he said, “Do you remember what I told you that day? About your sister and how you should not squander the gift of life that she gave you?”
The dark-haired man’s face became more sullen. He nodded as he reached up to touch the cheek Sabito had slapped that day. “I do.”
“You have so much to give other people, Giyu. I would have committed seppuku before I let any harm come to you. Your face and knowing you were safe were the last things that went through my mind before I died.”
Warmth spread throughout Giyu’s body. Sabito must have tightened the embrace he had him in. So much to live for? Hardly. One thing he learned throughout his life was that there was no point in thinking about the future. It was better to live day by day and take each moment as it came.
“Oh, Giyu,” said Sabito. His voice was now full of tenderness as they locked eyes with each other. Giyu’s cheeks instantly grew warm. “Even though I am dead, I have stayed right by your side.”
His dead lover leaned in and gave him a kiss. Giyu couldn’t feel his lips, but they kissed so many times while Sabito was alive that his body reacted like they were really there. He closed his eyes and savored each warm feeling that spread through his body.
Sabito soon backed away, his smile evermore tender. “Go join the training,” he said. “This war will be over soon and you have to be ready for when it is.”
Giyu bit his lip. More tears fell down his cheeks. He said this statement to himself earlier when Tanjiro was still pestering him, but now was the time to actually say it out loud. After all, one of the people he said that apology to was now right here in front of him.
“I’m sorry,” he mumbled, “for being so immature.”
Sabito sighed. “It’s okay. Even when you can’t see me, I will always be with you, Giyu.”
Giyu smiled. Just as he turned to look back at Sabito, the warm feeling that blanketed him was gone. Sabito was nowhere to be seen. Giyu’s usual sullen expression returned as a hole formed in his heart. He was once again all alone in the middle of one of his many lounges in his vast mansion.
His eyes fell upon the checkered half of his haori. Immediately, it felt like Sabito was still right with him just like he said. The smile returned briefly as he took a sip of tea. It had become lukewarm now, but it was still refreshing.
A crow’s call reached his ears from the window. Giyu looked over and saw his crow perched on the windowsill. It looked at him expectantly.
“Send for Shinazugawa,” he said. “Right away.”
The crow nodded and took to the sky without a second to lose.
Giyu sucked in another breath as he stayed in his kneeling position. There was no going back now.
‘Sabito, I’ll do my best for you. I’ll never disappoint you again.’