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Adrienne was selfish.
Not all the time, no. And she definitely could put it aside when her city or the world was at stake for whatever reason. The last eighteen months put things in perspective for her and with all she accomplished as Chat Fantome, she could say with full honesty that she was a great hero.
And selfishness… it seems like something a hero wouldn’t be described as. Some would think it a failure, she would risk stating. There was a substantial ideal of a hero and being selfish was not part of that equation.
But she was selfish, even if she kept it mostly harmless.
It was selfish of her to start dating Luka when she had big secrets. It was selfish to start anything with Luka when she was a reincarnated soul, when she carried the weight of the world on her shoulders when she was responsible for the magical box containing the actual gods.
Adding the fact that she actually won the case against her father and became an emancipated minor and the added responsibility of keeping her apartment in a somewhat orderly fashion it was easy to see that she would be rather busy.
And her love for Luka was selfish.
Luka was amazing, better than she deserved. He was kind, patient, gentle, loyal, protective, smart, talented and despite his softer demeanor, he was definitely not a pushover. He was reliable, he was trustworthy, he knew how to have fun and he was wiser than most adults. With him she felt alive, she felt like she was a shining light.
Luka deserved the world.
Agreeing to a date was ridiculously easy. They seemingly had a thousand dates before, just without calling it that and she had a long time to come to terms with her feelings about the musician. From crush, it evolved into being infatuated then into actual love
Adrienne loved Luka Couffaine more than she could describe.
But Adrienne Agreste was drowning in secrets and lies, in situations she could not explain and in excuses that went from passable into suspicious. She was drowning in duty, responsibility and promises she needed to keep.
At first, she thought she could do it. Luka knew she was pretty busy with work that surprisingly only got more intense with her distancing herself from her father, he knew that she was pretty flaky when it came to staying around as those blasted akumas appeared, he knew of the minor part of her emotional baggage and he knew of her fame.
It lulled her into a false sense of security.
At first, it was fine. She was fine, Luka wanted her and the guilt she was feeling was only a passing thought from time to time. Her duty as Chat Fantome was not calling her away that often. Her trauma didn’t torment her that much when they hugged, held hands or shared quick kisses on the cheeks or the forehead.
They were going slow but steady.
But Hawkmoth and Mayura upped their game and she had less and less time. Interruptions during dates, making her late because of fighting or making her so tired she would sleep through the expected time…
Lies, lies and more lies were piling up and Adrienne had no idea how to escape their ever-present problem.
She wanted to tell Luka. She did but she was so freaking scared.
Her role as Chat Fantome was tied to her being a Descendant of Death and she couldn’t let it go. If she came out as Chat it would mean explaining about her origins, at least partially. And how do you explain to someone you love you’re a freak and not even fully human? Both Zygmunt and Plagg were nearly certain she was not only a Descendant of Death but also his youngest and newest daughter as her abilities only grew and grew.
How do you tell someone that your children will be a part of a war that will never end? How do you explain what ties you into the world beyond?
Then one day Luka tried to kiss her.
And the sudden terror that gripped her heart was nearly enough to actually send her straight into a panic attack. She barely remembers stammering some kind of excuse before bolting.
And it’s not like she didn’t want him to kiss her because she did! But the truth is, before she was murdered she was used. She was raped and that trauma was never resolved. When coupled with so much guilt and secrets it transformed into a sudden, heart-wrenching terror.
She ran back to her apartment and cried for hours and she was surprised there was no akuma heading for her.
And when Luka came for answers the next day right after school, she was unable to give him any. She could only offer apologies but no answers.
She was not surprised that her lovely, gentle Luka was akumatized. And it only added to her guilt.
Truth, her father called him. A villain capable of forcing the truth out of someone. It would be all good if he didn’t strike her as Adrienne and with people around.
Adrienne was terrified as he asked her just one question.
‘What’s your biggest secret?’
She was frozen in place between Nino and Chloe, staring right into the eyes she loved so much. There was Alya and Marinette and most of her freaking class with the only blessing being that Lila Rossi was away on one of her “trips”.
And Adrienne had many secrets. Descendant of Death. Superhero. Seer. Reincarnation. Rape. Murder. Magic. Her guilt. Her lies. Her love for Luka. Her father. Being Guardian of the Miracle Box. Her mother.
She bit her lips until they were bleeding to stop herself from sprouting anything incriminating.
From the corner of her eye, she noticed some of her classmates running away, Marinette among them.
If she could keep her silence until Ladybug got on the scene, she could weaponize her words. If she spilled about her reincarnation, murder and rape she would shock everyone into stillness. It would freeze Luka, akuma or not. She knew him. She knew how to hurt him.
And she hated herself for it.
She had faith in Marinette, in Ladybug that the girl would be able to use the moment to take the akuma and the amok on. Ladybug was downright ruthless when executing her plans. And Adrienne would ruthlessly exploit her trauma if needed.
It would be humiliating. She would reveal the biggest secret and her father would know. Her friends would know how broken she was. The tower of lies would crumble. She would crumble under the despair. She would drown in the memories of her worst moments and the feelings that accompanied them.
But the kwamis and protecting Paris from Hawkmoth and the world from the demons that can crawl into reality were more important.
(Despite everything, she was a Descendant of Death and the sense of duty was fully ingrained in them, perhaps by Death’s design. It didn’t change that it was something she wouldn’t be able to discard, even at the expense of herself.)
A flash of red caught her attention on the school roof and she looked right into the blue eyes of her partner. She gave the girl the hardest stare, full of insistence and Ladybug became grim with understanding.
(They always had impressive teamwork, in and out of suits.)
She turns her gaze back to Luka, to Truth.
‘I remember my past life.’ she forced out, her voice trembling. The stillness that followed her words is expected but no less painful. It was hard to fight the magic, hard to direct it but she was stronger than her father. ‘I’m terrified pretty much all the time. I’m paranoid. Living alone makes me a mess. Every time I enter my apartment I’m close to having a panic attack.’ she spilled out painfully, a few panting breaths came out of her lips as panic raised in her chest and the pit of her stomach.
‘I was murdered, in my flat. Hours of torture and disgust. He… used me. He made me bleed out slowly. He made me feel pain beyond anything I could have ever imagined before. He broke my bones, one by one. Not all of them but enough. He counted. I screamed and screamed, and screamed but no one heard.’ her world went blurry with tears and she could hear stifled sobs and gasps but she wouldn’t move her eyes from Luka, no matter how blurry he was becoming.
‘For hours I begged to die. I prayed to die, for this to end. And I was so fucking mad when my scrambled, fragmented memory made me realize what has happened to me. Reincarnation. I cursed at the God. Then the Heavens themselves. Then all the gods I could think of. And the stars, the sun, the moon and Death themselves.’ She spat out, anger and shame mixing with panic.
‘S-stop!’ Luka, Truth suddenly begged.
Then came a swishing sound of the yoyo, a crack and silence that was only broken by the sobs of her classmates.
The relief that came when Ladybug cast her cure was enormous but she was not fine. Adrienne was a mess. She felt herself sniffle, could feel the tears on her face and her throat felt constricted. Panic was not ebbing away, it was only intensifying with every second.
Everyone was staring and she felt horrendously exposed.
‘A-Adrienne?’
Nino. Her brave, loyal, protective friend.
She flinched.
Alya.
She could not let Alya write about her confession.
She needed to make sure it was not made public knowledge.
Was Alya already filming when Luka caught her off guard?
Her breath sped up and she tried to blink the tears away but it was hard. Hard to keep a hold of herself, her emotions…
And then she noticed purring.
It was steady and she could feel it on her back, where Plagg hid himself in her hood. Plagg liked when she wore black oversized hoodies because he could be nearly invisible in them. Plagg was with her. And he was offering her comfort in the only way he could at the moment.
She focused on the purring and took a deep breath. She counted to five and then released the air from her lungs before repeating the motion. She pushed the feelings back, she pushed them down where she would deal with them in the privacy of her apartment, later and with the loving company of the kwamis.
She wiped her tears with the back of her hand and she focused. The same sharpness of focus she felt as Chat Fantome was when she went into battle. And in a way, it was a battle.
‘Alya?’ she turned to the blogger and there was no phone in sight. Not on the ground, not in her hands and it made her grateful. No evidence was good.
The girl looked terrible as she met her eyes. Miserable. Devastated. Horrified.
Alya knew she didn’t lie, the magic of the akuma made sure of that. Adrienne knew that Alya liked her, considered her a friend, and hearing this must have been hard in a way. World shattering.
It was one of the reasons why she didn’t look at the rest of their friends.
‘If anything of this accident shows on the Ladyblog I’m not going to have any mercy.’ she said with the calmest tone she could but even then, there was a slight wobbling quality to her voice. ‘I won’t hesitate to use any legal means to make you regret it.’ there was a dark promise in her words.
With a sigh, she turned to the rest of the people who witnessed the entire mess.
‘And it goes to all of you as well. Don’t breathe a word of it to anyone. Or on the internet. And if somehow this reaches Lila Rossi I’m not above making you wish you could turn back time.’ she declared seriously.
Was it mean of her?
Of course. But she would not let it become public knowledge. Adrienne could not chance it going public, her father would try to use it to reverse the emancipation or put her in a psychiatric hospital. Media would hound her because Adrienne was famous. She was a model even if she didn’t exclusively work for her father anymore, she was steadily becoming known for her music, social media made her from a big celebrity in France to a celebrity worldwide and she could not do it.
Adrienne would survive the fallout but she plainly didn’t want to.
And with that said she abruptly turned on her heel and started walking away. Every step came faster and faster until she was running the familiar path that would lead her to her home.
Usually, she would be picked up by Gerard, who worked for her nowadays but it was one day she had plans after school, plans with Plagg as one of the antique shops supposedly had a book written in the language of Death (though, no one knew that) and they planned to check it out, buy it if it was legit. Adrienne hoped it was legit as adding to her collection of rare, stolen or/and illegal books was always a pleasure. How could it not be?
(Collection full of books about kwamis, magic, Descendants of Death, history that was erased from public knowledge. And if she robbed the Vatican? If she robbed museums internationally because they held artifacts from her family or some errand Guardian? She didn’t care all that much.)
Plagg certainly didn’t care that they were stealing, as it was his idea in the first place. And everything that formerly belonged to Descendants of Death rightfully should be hers and Zygmunt agreed. Plagg definitely had a different set of morals but even if Adrienne wanted to protest, she needed those books and artifacts. Knowledge was power and with her desperately hiding from the Order of Guardians and fighting a war not only with Hawkmoth but also the horrors from the void…
She couldn’t pass the opportunity to actually have an idea of what she could be doing.
But she wouldn’t be able to focus on her objective when she was like this.
Adrienne wanted to disappear. She wanted to be alone for a bit, cry until she could cry no more, have her panic attack in peace and deal with all those pesky emotions that she pushed down. She needed to deal with those emotions. She wanted to cuddle with Plagg and the kwamis. And she wanted to sleep off the exhaustion.
She would cuddle into Luka’s hoodie he left in her flat recently. It smelled like him and it was nice. She could wrap herself up in the soft material and just let go.
She would mourn what could have been, too.
Luka would know now, at least partially. And she was pretty sure there would be no chance to fix them.
She would be fine. She needed to be.
***
Hours. She spent hours just sprawled in bed, lost in her mind, crying her eyes out, cuddling with the kwamis, with Plagg stubbornly sitting in the croak of her neck and purring nonstop to offer her comfort. It was unusual but she was grateful more than words could ever describe.
She doesn’t notice when she drifts off to sleep but despite the storm of emotions, she doesn’t have nightmares like she thought she would. There is only blank darkness that covers her like the most comfortable blanket.
(And if Plagg sent her PA message to clear out her weekend before turning off her phone, then it’s his business. When Adrienne is going to return to some semblance of being composed, she would be grateful, not angry or even annoyed.
After all, Adrienne loved Plagg and over their time together he took the role of her mentor/parent in a way. Her just accepting being grounded from him was an obvious sign after all.)
When she woke up, she felt numb. She should have been hungry by now, but she wasn’t. She should move but she didn’t want to. She should check if there were no more akumas or demons but she felt tired.
And it was not the tired you could cure with a good night of sleep. It was bone-deep exhaustion, the one that started at the soul and seeped through to the body, poisoning it. She felt like staying in bed and never leaving.
The kwamis, the darlings that they were, left her alone with Plagg.
The cat kwami was resting on her neck, his slow but steady breathing and the strange warm yet cold temperature of his body were grounding her in place as she stared at the ceiling. Her emotions were a mess that was so overwhelming that it crossed the line of numb hours ago.
Maybe she was melodramatic, just a bit. Her biggest secret was out, part of her problems with Luka was exposed but it wasn’t the end of the world. As much as she was not that close with most of her classmates, they weren’t bad people. They were naïve, too trusting but they weren’t cruel. They would most likely be more worried and awkward than angry for keeping this a secret.
And it’s not like people share everything with everyone. People have secrets and it’s alright. As long as you don’t lie and stay true to yourself then it should be fine.
She was not expected to talk about reincarnation, rape, murder and a mountain of trauma with sixteen and seventeen years old. If she had a choice, the only person she would have told would be Luka. Maybe Chloe and Nino, eventually. After all, it was a very heavy topic. Sad and chilling to the bone.
So yeah, it’s not the end of the world. Those people who witnessed the confession would most likely be awkward with her, concerned and have a hundred questions she wouldn’t want to answer.
But it was a strange thing, to bring back those memories.
When Plagg delved into her soul and made her relieve those memories, she ignored it. She pushed it down and the situation allowed it. There were near no consequences when it came to her mental state then. Maybe because it was a god to whom it was revealed and the slowly growing trust and dependence on his presence.
She was rarely scared when Plagg was around, at least not for herself. Any danger could be dealt with easily with his help. His advice was often sound, deep, insightful so she was rarely overwhelmed by life situations, especially with her memories as Weronika. Becoming emancipated? No problem, just another legal battle. Akumas? Sure, she was literally made for fighting and trained for it. Friends acting stupid? They are young, that’s normal just let me steer them in a less dangerous direction.
Funnily enough, the only area of personal matters she was a total mess about was her relationship with Luka.
But it felt different.
It felt different when those words came from her lips, no matter if it was her choice of lesser evil. Different when the confession came among teenagers.
It just hit her differently.
And what happened was just the tip of the iceberg, really. There were still secrets, there were still lies and what was she meant to do about it?
Does she want to tell Luka everything? Or should she leave the romance and companionship behind? She does need to have children one day but that could just be a medical procedure. She would be a single mother but it’s better than pulling someone into the mess that is her life.
Master Fu didn’t have a family. He didn’t have much either, other than the Miracle Box, his small shop. He was on the run since the middle of the 1830s and only settled in Paris after the World Wars ended - more than a century without a home.
And she was inevitably tied to the supernatural world. She is supernatural, there would be no leaving.
Luka doesn’t need to be tied down into the dangerous world of magic, eldritch horrors, gods and monsters. He wielded miraculous a few times, yes but he was not tied to it. It’s not fair of her to ask him to stay.
And her issues are something big to overcome as well. It’s a lot to deal with someone’s else trauma as an adult but Luka is still young. He just turned 18, young and with his entire life before him.
And she was broken, old and sometimes she felt like a creep. It didn’t matter that she didn’t feel like both her ages combined, it didn’t matter that she didn’t feel 29 like Weronika was or even 16 she currently was, even if she would turn 17 in a few short months.
‘You know, it’s not wrong to love.’ Plagg suddenly said like he knew what she was thinking.
Maybe he could sense what was on her mind. She wouldn’t be surprised anymore.
‘It feels like it.’ she admitted, her voice raspy and weak. ‘No one deserves to deal with the chaos that is my life.’
‘Your situation is unfair.’ the kwami sighed. ‘Not fair on you or others. But in the eye of others, being with you may be worth it.’
‘But how could it be worth it? How could I be worth it?’ she muttered tearfully. ‘I’m broken. The damaged goods.’
Plagg hissed angrily.
‘That’s not true in the slightest, kitten. You are wonderful. Magnificent. So, so strong. So competent. A true hero. A legend in the making.’ he grumbled with annoyance and fondness both. ‘If anyone would dare to think differently, I’m not above making them regret their life choices.’
She chuckled weakly.
‘It’s just a façade. I feel broken and weak inside.’ she whispered with painful sincerity.
‘Were you ever not true in your intentions?’ he challenged.
‘No.’
‘Then why wouldn’t it be true?’
And there Adrienne hesitated for a moment but it was enough for Plagg to go on the offense.
‘Emotions can cloud your judgment, kitten. They don’t change the truth though.’ he said gently and dare she say, fondly. ‘Despite everything you’re human, with human doubts and feelings. Physically you’re more durable and stronger than most but you have limits. And it’s alright. You’re brilliant just the way you are.’
Adrienne swallowed the lump in her throat and looked away, feeling a little bit shy all of a sudden.
‘But I… I hurt him. And no matter what I will need to hurt him even more.’ her voice sounded miserable and whinier than she expected.
‘That’s true.’ Plagg agreed. ‘You both utterly failed at communication.’
She couldn’t even take offense at his words because it was the truth.
‘Luka tried to talk.’ she muttered instead. ‘I was the one who made everything harder.’
‘Maybe. But he should have noticed the way you are much more hesitant with physical contact. And he knew you were busy. And how you disappear during the akumas just to appear sometime when it’s done.’ Plagg sighed tiredly. ‘But part of it is being a hero, unfortunately. If only Hawkmoth wouldn’t mess with people’s heads… And Fu incessant preaching.’
‘You don’t seem concerned for safety that much.’ Adrienne sighed.
‘Eh, meditation helped you to manage your emotions. Some spells and artifacts would protect a person from the akumas.’ Plagg shrugged. ‘And that boy is head over heels for you. I don’t think he would have a problem with being all the more careful. You do trust him too, even if you’re scared. If he knew, Sass wouldn’t mind staying with him permanently and it’s a protection too. He could train to avoid being turned. It’s something that can be done with some effort.’
‘You… You wouldn’t mind if I told him?’ she asked, her voice small, nervous but there was a hopeful undertone somewhere in there.
‘Well, of course not. He does seem like a good sort, doesn’t he? And you need companionship. People to share your joys and burdens with.’ he mused before rising in the air and patting her cheek gently. ‘That is the way of humans.’
‘He deserves better than my mess.’ she parroted what she said before.
‘No kitten. What he deserves is to have a choice in the first place.’ Plagg flicked her on the nose, his chiding gentle.
She blinked at the tiny god slowly, her lips forming a surprised ‘o’.
She was too entranced in her feelings to notice, but Plagg was right. It was a terrifying concept, to trust that Luka would need to listen and choose. Terrifying concept to speak her secrets into the open and let them be judged by someone she loves.
Part of her wanted it so badly, yet another part was terrified of the possible consequences.
‘And if he can’t accept you as you are, then is he worth it in the first place?’ Plagg nudges her gently. ‘You had no choice in your circumstances and the only thing you could control was who you would share this knowledge with. If he cares, he would understand, eventually.’
There was a moment of silence. She wanted to say something, but she had no idea what. Her thoughts were in such disarray that talking seemed nearly impossible.
‘It’s not going to be easy, Adrienne.’ Plagg said seriously, his tone changing into something representing not a concerned friend, a mentor or a parent, he spoke to her in a way that made her listen, in a way that showed his ancient age and divinity. He spoke like a god speaks to his devotee who asked for wisdom. Every instinct in her screamed to pay attention. ‘The present is dark and turbulent yet sooner or later the light will come again. But you will miss it if you don’t open yourself up for the better times ahead. It’s your decision how to live your life but good things come to those who work for their happiness and take risks.’
She let out a shuddering breath. Plagg rarely let his divinity and otherness show so blatantly. He did it once in her defense against Fu in the first months she had him with her and later when she first killed the eldritch being from the void that looked and sounded too much like a human despite not being one, it caused her to feel guilty because despite everything she was not a murderer and taking any life seemed like a sacrilege.
She knew it came from a place of concern and it was proof of his love.
Plagg loved her, she could feel it every time she transformed, every night when she was falling asleep with him somewhere on her person, every morning when he would sit on her head and purr as she prepared breakfast for herself and all the kwamis, in every time he clashed with Master Fu over the unfair treatment from the old man and it was his insistent rants that made her be seen for what she was, it was what made her worthy of trust in the end.
Plagg loved her ferociously and she was sure if someone actually harmed her, he would turn vicious in less than a second and damn the consequences. She wouldn’t be surprised that someone who harmed her would meet their end very soon after. And it would most likely be a violent end as well.
Plagg was not evil but even if he was on the side of ‘good’, he was closer to chaotic neutral than anything. He had much kindness in him and a great capability to be loving and gentle with a great appreciation for life and beauty but it only applied as long as you were on his side.
Plagg could be utterly ruthless towards his enemies, he could be casually dismissive towards people he didn’t care about and she would never forget the way he offered to curse Lila Rossi with bad luck with no hesitation or remorse whatsoever. She would never forget how he sometimes looked at Gabriel before they moved out, those inhuman eyes cold and promising violence at the first sign of crossing the boundary known only to him.
Since she became a Guardian, she noticed that while Plagg was the most open about his more vicious tendencies but other kwamis weren’t exempt from those as well.
Sass had a very sharp tongue if something annoyed him or irked him somehow. Longg too, for that matter and it was easy to see why those two seemed to be friends. Baark would growl when angry and she was sure if he was not hindered by secrecy he would bite the sources of his anger. Pollen would use a sweet tone to conceal biting responses and Trixx would plan mean tricks and pranks that were this close to deadly.
It was not often that it showed but it happened on occasion and those moments were reminding her that those little beings were divine in nature. They were kind and genial but they could and would be enemy to fear if they saw a need for it.
Even Tikki, the sweetest of them all, the one who showed the least of that side of herself had those moments and she saw that in the one month that Marinette and Adrienne swapped their miraculouses for training for ‘just in case’. It was the easiest to see right after Adrienne ended another argument with Gabriel, right after a particularly hard akuma, right after Lila Rossi did something against Mari or tried to cling to Adrienne too insistently. It was in the eyes, the pinched expression and the tense tone.
Adrienne was dealing with beings that ruled the concepts of the universe. And she wouldn’t forget that. She couldn’t even if she had no fear of them. But she did respect them a great deal and knew that when they spoke, she should listen because their wisdom was a priceless treasure.
Marinette didn’t fully understand this just yet, but she was starting to. Master Fu was a bit ignorant of it because he was taught to be but Adrienne was slowly learning that her approach was working wonders so she tried to show it to her partner as well. To blind themselves to the truth was not going to work in the long run. The kwamis were much more cooperative when you showed them respect or when you treated them like a person and a teacher.
The kwamis didn’t expect worship or to be treated like gods, despite them being deities. But being treated like people who could make their own choices? It was what made them relaxed enough to act like themselves. They were still curious, still somewhat childish but they allowed themselves to show more than that.
(Sometimes she wondered how Guardians treated them in the beginning if they felt the constant need to stick to the masks that pictured them as much more harmless than they were.)
She shook her head to empty her head forcefully and allowed her eyes to meet those unnaturally green eyes. There was no fear in her, no nervousness. Only love, respect, trust and fondness.
(Because if Plagg loved her, then she loved Plagg in return. If someone stole him from her, she would do anything to get him back. If someone hurt Plagg, she would let her violent side out. If Plagg wanted to leave, she would let him but being forcefully separated? Over her dead body.)
‘I understand. And I will act, I swear. Just not today. I need this one day.’ she said quietly, solemnly.
Plagg hummed in response before coming closer to kiss her on her forehead. It was cold and heavy but also comforting, like a security blanket.
‘I believe in you, kid. And no matter what I will be proud of you.’ he told her and she smiled softly.
She closed her eyes, she took a deep breath before forcefully relaxing her body. She emptied her mind, calmed her racing hard and allowed herself to feel. Just feel and nothing else.
***
Sunday was different for Adrienne.
She knew she needed to talk to Luka, the faster the better. Because despite everything, Luka deserved an explanation, no matter what would happen in the future. He deserved an apology.
Adrienne didn’t do right by Luka, that one thing was clear. She had her reasons, selfish reasons but valid ones. She let her issues control her, to cast shades on their relationship and she needed to own up to her actions. She should have explained some of the things, just like she should have asked for time and patience.
She won’t apologize for her secrets though. She won’t. As much as she cares about the guitarist, he is not entitled to know her every secret, every little thing she is entangled with. She will take responsibility for the way she went about it, she will apologize for her behavior but she has a right to her secrets and duties outside their relationship.
She is at the point where she must come clean with most of the stuff she has been hiding but if it went on naturally, she would have waited much more to mention some of the information. She loves Luka, she knew that for a while and she knows herself enough to know she would crack and talk to Luka about everything eventually.
(Probably when she got too tired of her past, duties and origins messing up her life.)
Her resolve and regained composure didn’t change the fact that she was nervous.
There she stood in the middle of her living room, a picture of an unkempt teenager clad only in an old t-shirt with holes in the fabric, phone in her hands. She was stalling, nervous about turning on the device.
She was sure that at least Nino and Chloe would write to her about what happened. It was a miracle that Chloe didn’t just barge in like she owned the place.
With a heavy sigh, she turned the phone on and was immediately greeted by a plethora of new messages and missed calls. There were messages from the people who witnessed her confession but there were just questions about how she was or if she needed anything along with well wishes. She had a lot of worried texts from both Chloe and Nino, one from Alya that promised secrecy along the usual and even a sweet short message from Marinette that assured her they all would be there if she wanted to talk but she didn’t need to feel like she must talk to anyone.
It filled her with warmth because there was nothing negative, there was no pity, only concern and worry. It was… nice.
But it was a text from Luka along all the missed calls that took her breath away.
Luka <3
How are you?
Are you alright?
I know you may not want to see me
But do you need anything?
Just tell me you’re safe, please
And there were many more messages of the sort. All of them expressed concern, worry and care and it made her eyes fill with fresh tears. She was afraid there would be accusations, unneeded and undeserved apologies, questions she wouldn’t want to write about.
Luka was kind and it seemed that he still cared for her. At least a bit.
She bit her lips hard until she tasted blood on her tongue and knew she knew she needed to do this. She needed to.
Adrienne
I’m fine.
Could we meet? We need to talk.
It took Luka less than thirty seconds to respond.
Luka <3
YES
We could have lunch together
The usual place in an hour?
Adrienne
Sure
See you soon
With a new resolve, she took off in a hurry. An hour was not a long time and she would need at least ten minutes to get there if Plagg would be willing to help.
It took her ten minutes to take a shower, another ten to dress up in loose green linen pants and a white loose t-shirt. It was soft, comfortable and didn’t need much effort on her part while still looking good. She brushed her hair and put on her skincare but left makeup off other than lipgloss and a bit of light concealer to hide dark circles under her eyes. A minute to throw tissues, keys, phone and her wallet into a purse and she was nearly ready.
She peered into her small office where kwamis were discussing something in hushed tones on the sofa and when they noticed her, silence fell over them immediately, those small faces looking at her with concern.
‘I’m better guys. I swear.’ she smiled at them, small and hesitant but genuine.
‘You’re going out?’ Wayzz asked curiously.
‘Yeah. I’m going to talk with Luka.’ she confirmed and then her eyes moved to Sass. ‘Wouldn’t you mind going with me and Plagg, Sass?’ she asked, making a split-second decision.
The snake kwami perked up and flew at her with visible enthusiasm.
‘Anytime!’
Adrienne chuckled, charmed by the joy of one of her small friends. With a hum, she went to the picture on the wall, took it off to reveal a safe with a traditional lock. She took out the keys from the purse and opened the cache to reveal the miracle box inside.
The miracle box was still hexagonal but it changed when she became a guardian. Instead of the red graphic design, there were small green pawprints all over the edges of the lid, circling a neon green symbol that in the language of Death represented the Descendants of Death. The box was seamless, a human eye could not see the lines to discern the tiny drawers that hid the jewelry inside.
She put a finger on the side where she knew Snake Miraculous had its place and channeled just the tiniest amount of her power to unseal the drawer. After a second the drawer opened and she could comfortably take the bracelet out.
The seals over the Miracle Box were a safeguard of sorts. The Box couldn’t be opened without having basic control and knowledge about magic and only authorized people would be able to open it. As of now, only kwamis and Marinette were allowed to do so, even if there was near to no possibility that would let Marinette to the Box itself. But Adrienne knew there may be a time when she would need to give Mari the task of retrieving the miraculous so she preferred to be prepared.
If she died, then the box would change ownership and it would go to Ladybug.
But it was not a time to linger on that.
She put on the bracelet and smiled at Sass as the kwami dived into the purse.
‘I will be back in the evening. You have your snacks in the kitchen. You know how to contact me if you need anything.’ she reminded the kwamis gently.
‘Stay safe!’ Roarr waved at her with a smile and the others echoed him immediately.
From the kitchen, Plagg soared in her direction calmly.
‘Ready?’ he asked and settled next to Sass.
‘Yeah… I think so.’
***
The café was full, Adrienne noticed despite everything going on inside her mind.
It was not a bad thing, probably. They could take their order to go and go to a park or to sit by the Seine may be more private. They could also go to a place only accessed with the help of miraculous, there are a few rooftops where they wouldn’t be seen. Adrienne and Marinette spent quite some time finding private spots like that for emergencies like feeding the kwamis mid-battle or power upgrades.
But it could wait.
Her eyes scanned the crowd before she noticed him standing by the counter to pick up the orders to go.
Luka looked exhausted like he had no time to sleep. He looked messier than usual, less put together. It was in the messiness of his hair, clothes that seemed thoughtlessly thrown on and in the way his shoulders were slumped in something resembling defeat. He looked sad, weighed down by the secrets that were revealed to him.
It was her fault, she couldn’t deny the fact.
It took her only a moment to cross the distance between them.
‘Hi.’ she said, her voice quiet and a little nervous.
He opened his eyes and turned towards her immediately. She looked him in the eyes and saw something frantic, worried and relieved when his mind computed she was there. On autopilot, he moved to hug her in greeting but stopped himself nearly immediately.
‘Adrienne.’ he responded just as quietly and his eyes roamed over her in a checkup that became something he always did after seeing her every time.
And they knew each other enough to notice things. Luka saw how tired she was, the covered eyebags, the way she didn’t put much effort in makeup or the way she clutched at the strap of her purse, the way her hands were shaking just a little bit. And she saw him noticing.
Something flashed in his vivid blue eyes but it was gone too soon for her to see what it could mean.
‘How are you?’ she asked, trying to stave off some tension.
He gave her an incredulous look, one that was very close to being disapproving.
‘It should be me asking that.’ he responded, a little flatly.
She rolled her eyes at him because this was not really true.
‘I can’t help but be worried about you too.’ she breathed out. ‘It’s… a difficult situation all around.’ she added, more hesitantly.
Luka tensed at the subtle reminder, his shoulder straightening before he relaxed forcefully.
‘Juleka didn’t tell me much. And I don’t really…’ he cut himself off before exhaling heavily. ‘All I can remember is heart-shattering grief, worry and regret.’
‘Juleka didn’t tell you?’ Adrienne asked, a little bit surprised.
‘No. She told me it should come from you.’ he gave her a tired but meaningful look.
Adrienne flinched. It made it all the more complicated but it was also an opportunity.
‘I… Yeah. It sounds right.’ she sighed. ‘Come on, we should order something to go and then we can find some private spot to talk.’
He pinned her under a scrutinizing gaze but nodded.
They ordered their usual, the lunch tortillas, fresh juice and berry muffins for dessert. Adrienne insisted on paying this time and Luka didn’t protest too much about it. It was normal for them, as since they started getting closer and more regular she insisted they alternate paying and she was sneaky enough to pay for the pricier things. She was wealthier after all, even if she didn’t want Luka to feel bad for it.
Not that it ever mattered to her, the money. Adrienne was always rich but Weronika wasn’t. Her grandparents had a moderate income, enough to live comfortably. Her parents were strictly in the middle class but when her tata died, mama needed to shoulder raising two kids on her own. Grandparents helped but her mama was a proud woman and didn’t want to burden them too much either.
It was never bad, she never lived in poverty but she knew the meaning of money. Weronika started working at sixteen as a cashier in a local bakery on the weekends and after school for two hours before the closing time, then an hour more to clean up. She worked the weekends, ten-hour shifts as a waitress all through her university when she shared the small, cramped apartment with Adam.
So yeah. She would pay for them too. It was also fair, any relationship and care put in it should come with two sides, not just one. Especially when she was asking him out. Just like she wouldn’t put up a fight when he was asking her out.
She and Luka went out and it took a while for them to get to the river and find an empty bench that was a bit out of the way. She noticed her hands were trembling as she was sitting down and really, it felt… It felt final. They wouldn’t be able to talk about everything in the open but it was a start.
But sooner or later they would need to go somewhere else, without any people. If he wanted to still be around her, to be at least her friend, they could maybe go somewhere on the rooftops? She did have Sass with her.
‘Adrienne?’ Luka asked worriedly.
His eyes were full of concern because of course, he noticed her trembling hands, her uneasy expression, the way she sat in a defensive, wary way. He probably could hear the way her melody shifted too. What was he hearing? Anxiety? Overwhelming fear? Shame? Guilt?
It didn’t matter, it’s not like she could recognize the mixed concoction of her emotions at the moment.
‘I…’ she started nervously, not looking at him at all. ‘I think I should start with an apology.’ she curled her hands into fists on her thighs.
‘Oh.’ Luka muttered softly. ‘For what?’
‘I… I know you.’ she whispered. ‘You are kind and sensitive and I used it to give Ladybug a chance to turn you back into you. I have many secrets and I deliberately and knowingly used a secret that I knew would devastate you and the ones that were listening. I did it because I’m hiding way more secrets and I could not let Hawkmoth know at any cost. I… I kept secrets from you and if I only was brave enough to talk to you sooner, it would never have happened. I kept disappointing you, kept letting you down when it was the last thing I ever wanted. And the guilt and my past kept my emotions a mess.’
She stopped and dared to look up at him for a moment and noticed those soft, soft eyes that were guarded, disappointed but still full of concern and that gentle, warm glow that at times she dared to hope was love.
‘I’m sorry, Luka. Sometimes I think you deserve better than having someone like me, a traumatized mess, in your life. I come with burdens normal people should never bear. I never wanted to hurt you.’ she confessed, her voice small.
‘You… You wouldn’t talk about it if Hawkmoth didn’t force your hand now, wouldn’t you?’ he asked, something fragile in his voice.
She hesitated for a moment. Would she eventually tell Luka everything? Then she remembered Plagg and his scolding.
‘I think I would. Not yet, I don’t think I was ready to admit all of those things. I was terrified to even think about some of it and sometimes it would seem like I would never be ready to talk about it but I’m nearly sure I would do it.’ she said truthfully.
‘You don’t want to speak about now.’ Luka noticed immediately.
‘No… I don’t but I need to.’ she sighed softly. ‘I… I died and was reborn.’ she whispered nearly inaudibly.
But he heard and the reaction was a sharp inhale and a hand reaching for one of her clenched fists. She relaxed her hands and let him take her hand fully. It was warm as he entwined their fingers. Warm and reassuring.
‘It was a terrible death. Long. Torturous. Humiliating. Bloody. Violent. An act of revenge, personal revenge.’ she mumbled. ‘It’s what I spoke about when your akumatized self got to me. I spoke about how much it broke me.’
Luka tightened his hand over hers and after a moment of hesitation shuffled closer to her, their shoulders touching.
‘You don’t need to…’ he whispered.
‘He used me. He broke my bones, one by one. He made me bleed for hours.’ she interrupted him. ‘He made me wish for death, made me curse any divine being I could. And yet, it’s still not the most important secret I hold.’
‘Oh Adrienne…’ Luka sighed and then she was enveloped by his arms and the scent of mint, lemongrass and scent of something she could only identify as music.
It was warm and safe, for a moment she felt secure and not as broken as in those moments when she woke up from nightmares. She was safe, Luka didn’t judge her and he held her like she was the most important being for him right in this moment.
Unbidden she felt fresh tears falling down and then soaking into his shoulder, her shoulders started shaking in soundless sobbing. There was a warm hand on her back, steady and slowly drawing circles on the cloth and it would feel nice if only the circumstances were different.
She thought her crying fest was enough to keep her from crying around Luka but apparently not. A wet chuckle escaped her lips as she tightened her arms around the boy.
‘You’re so strong.’ Luka whispered into the side of her head, so close to her ear but not really touching. ‘Still so kind…’
She sniffled pathetically in response.
‘I’m not.’ she denied. ‘I’m just me. A little broken and trying to live.’
‘You’re not broken.’ Luka insisted hotly. ‘Grieving and hurt but not broken.’
She wanted to argue about that but something stopped her from doing just that. She allowed the silence to fall between and she listened to his breathing, trying to match him. It took a while before her eyes could not cry anymore but despite that, she didn’t move away.
‘What’s so important you would tear yourself apart to keep it hidden?’ he mumbled next to her ear and she stiffened.
‘The safety of the world.’ she answered truthfully yet vaguely, just as quietly. ‘The survival of humanity rests on my shoulders.’
Luka sighed and moved away just enough to look at her face, ready to scold her for joking in such a serious situation, she could see the disapproval ready to be expressed. But then Luka took in her serious expression, her defiant eyes and the guarded aura and something shifted into disbelief and shock.
‘You’re not joking.’ he gapes at her.
Adrienne grimaced but nodded.
She moved the hand where the Snake bracelet rested and raised it between them, the miraculous on full display. Only someone who has seen the bracelet before this way, someone who wore it himself would be able to recognize it in this form.
She observes the widening of his eyes, the expression that shifts into utter seriousness.
He recognized it as she thought he would.
She reached for her purse and brought it between them, safely hidden by their bodies and Sass poked his head out to give Luka a wave. From the darkness of the purse, it was also easy to see Plaggs’ unnaturally green and glowing eyes.
For a long moment, his gaze shifted from the two kwamis in her bag to her and back again, something stormy and calculating in his eyes but after a moment it changed into understanding and concern.
‘That… that explains so much.’ he sighed heavily.
‘That is also so much more complicated than you can imagine.’ she grimaced and put the purse down between them.
This time it was Luka who hid his face in her shoulder and she didn’t protest. She embraced him gently and put her hand on his neck, gently playing with the longer strands of hair there. It seemed to relax him, like a deflating balloon tension left his body but then he shuddered.
‘Superhero. You’re a freaking superhero. Not only in France, you and Ladybug appeared in Australia to combat that… monster that appeared in the forest and set it on fire.’ he said. ‘You helped in Haiti when that hurricane struck. And during the flood in China. Earthquake in Japan.’
‘We did.’ she confirmed. ‘Ladybug is getting better and better at healing. The same could be said for her creating supplies. Unfortunately, she can’t repair everything that easily when the damage was done by natural cases. I was often searching for survivors, getting rid of the rubble or just plainly as muscle. I’m also very proficient with using the power of destruction to get rid of any sicknesses on a bigger scale.’
‘But you’re teenagers. Shouldn’t you be at school?’ he asked with concern.
‘Time travel is a thing. We both got enough rest too, I made sure of that.’ she promised. ‘Ladybug actually seemed more relaxed when we were there, despite circumstances. Our private lives can be hectic and having a break from it helped, I think. We both have soft hearts and like to help. It was sad, heartbreaking but we could make a difference.’ Adrienne smiled because she was proud of them both, damn it.
‘Won’t you age faster then?’ his voice was curious.
‘Permanent miraculous holders age normally until they reach adulthood but then their aging slows down.’ she explained softly. ‘For the turtle, it’s the most prominent but others do that too. If my natural lifespan is seventy years but I wear miraculous for fifty years then in theory I should live naturally to at least hundred and twenty.’
‘So it’s such a minor problem that you don’t even register it as an issue.’ he sighed but there was understanding there.
‘Right now me and Ladybug are around two months older than we should be. It’s not as much of a difference.’ she assured him.
‘You’re amazing.’ Luka whispered softly. ‘Beyond amazing.’
Adrienne blushed. When someone you love compliments you so sincerely, it’s hard not to.
‘There is more to it.’ she reminded him.
‘Adrienne’ Luka said seriously, at this point, nothing can change my mind about you. I… I love you so much and at every point, you prove how wonderful you are. You… you’re not without faults and you could handle our relationship and the secrets clouding it better. You did hurt me but as much as I hate it, you had pretty strong reasons.’
She flinched and shifted away but a gentle hand on her chin forced her to halt this move. With trepidation, she looked him in the eyes but there was only love and gentleness there.
‘You can’t say that.’ she whispered weakly.
‘I mean it.’ he promised solemnly. ‘Do… do you want us to... for our relationship to work?’ he asked.
‘I…’ she started and she blushed again. ‘I do love you. I want it… I want us but it won’t ever be easy… I… I must put my duties first. Always. Our dates will never be a sure thing. The weight of the knowledge I hold is great, Luka. For me, there is no way out of it. I can’t just surrender the ring. I will wear a miraculous for the rest of my life.’ she confessed as much as she warned him.
‘We can make it work.’ Luka insisted. ‘It won’t be easy, I know. But it’s worth it. It will always be worth it. You’re worth it. And I can help you. I want to help you. In any way you let me.’
She closed her eyes. It felt like a burden was taken from her shoulders, it felt freeing and for a moment she allowed herself to hope.
In a moment of boldness she wouldn’t suspect from herself she moved closer and gently, carefully she kissed Luka.
At first, it was mostly just a touch of their lips, especially with the way he froze for a moment but then he tenderly moved his hand to her cheek and brought her even closer. With a small chuckle, she softly moved her lips against his, tilting her head just a bit to make it more comfortable.
Luka mirrored her actions with startling eagerness even if it was a bit clumsy and lacked confidence at first. She knew it was his first kiss.
It was not anything earth-shattering, not the most glorious of kisses either but it was nice. Sweet, despite her lips being a bit salty from the tears. It was warm, unhurried, and precious all on its own. But the most important thing was the fact it was Luka she was kissing.
This time there was no guilt or terror, just her love for the boy and the hope. There was still worry, still thousands of things she needed to tell him, and thousands of things he needed to learn. The future was uncertain, even for a seer like her and they would need to change so much for it to work but she wanted it. And surprisingly Luka seemed to want it too.
He said he loved her.
The thought of it made her giddy.
Their kiss tasted like hope.