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Hinata had always been Kageyama’s sun.
Ever since he met Hinata for the first time in middle school, Kageyama had always kept an eye on him. Back then, to Kageyama, he was nothing more than an opponent whom he had to defeat. Another step he had to pass to reach for the top. A potential threat, but unfortunately not enough to stop Kageyama.
“One day, I’m gonna strip you of your title, and I’ll be the one to stand on the court the longest!”
Hinata Shouyou was a diamond in the rough. A star covered in dirt and dust, just waiting for the day someone came along and uncovered him so that humanity could bask in his glow. He was something that in a billion lifetimes, only happened once.
Kageyama foresaw all of this.
That was the reason why when he encountered Hinata once again, standing inside the gymnasium with utter bewilderment, something within Kageyama lit up. The diamond in the rough had appeared right in front of him, and he got to be the one who would sharpen him into a masterpiece. He was sure this was what people called “destiny” — the fact that they were in the same place, at the same time must have been the universe trying to tell them something.
That was Kageyama’s first mistake.
Hinata wasn’t just a star. He was the whole sun, and the world bowed at his feet. He mesmerised people anywhere he went, and even though not everyone would admit it, they all adored him. Kageyama soon noticed that he wasn’t holding the upper hand in this dynamic after all. In hindsight, he was always the one chasing after Hinata, always trying to surpass him. And once he managed to, Kageyama still had to remain on guard so as to protect his ranking. A natural-born genius like him had to struggle to compete with a total amateur; certainly an amusing sight for onlookers.
And the setter had thought to himself, this is fine.
Kageyama was always up for a race. He lived for them. No matter whether Hinata was running ahead or behind, his presence was already enough motivation for Kageyama. “I don’t care if it takes 10 or 20 years, I’ll still be the one to defeat you!” The orange-haired boy said so as a challenge, while Kageyama considered it a promise. Something about the way he confidently planned that seemingly distant future for both reassured Kageyama.
And he was not stupid. As days turned into months, Kageyama came to the realisation that this friendly rivalry was starting to shift into something else. If “opponents” were at one end of the spectrum, with “friends” being on the other, then slowly but surely, they were starting to lean more towards being friends.
It was an effort from both sides. It was sportsmanship, so that they could temporarily put their past aside, and it was patience, showing through the gradual willingness to listen and to understand. It was early mornings practising volleyball together, noons sharing each other’s bentos on the rooftop, and late evenings riding on Hinata’s bike to nowhere until their families called them home.
“If he used to be the strongest opponent, now he’s the strongest teammate, right?” Kageyama accidentally eavesdropped on Sugawara and Hinata’s conversation at the start of their first year, and back then he didn’t think much of it. What Sugawara said didn’t have any hidden profound meaning, and should be understood literally. Despite that, when Kageyama’s eyes subconsciously followed Hinata wherever he was, and his hands lingered for a second after each of their high-fives, the setter started to think he didn’t want to be just teammates anymore.
But he didn’t want to go back to opponents either. The term Kageyama had been searching for was out of the spectrum’s boundaries. He wanted them to be more. More than each other’s opponents. More than each other’s teammates.
More than each other’s friends.
All of a sudden, running alongside Hinata didn’t only bring about his competitiveness. It was still there, more fired up than ever, but Kageyama also felt a new sense of peace besides it. Peace, because he wasn’t running alone anymore. Now with Hinata here, still with hips attached, and although either one of them could run ahead for a bit, Kageyama was sure that they would overcome every obstacle in their lives together, until the final crossing line.
That was Kageyama’s second mistake.
High school passed by in a blink of an eye. The first tournament, then the second, then the third. The third-years graduated, then the second-years. The moment Kageyama decided to stop running for a second and look around, Karasuno was already on stage to receive their bronze medals in his last Nationals ever.
Kageyama took a deep breath, then threw the ball high up in the air. He had never once gotten tired of doing this, even if he had done it a million times, and he still wouldn’t be for the next million. He ran until just before the borderline and jumped. The ball, following the movement of his hand, flew like a bullet.
Kageyama had a good feeling this time.
However, on the other side of the net, Hinata showed up where the ball was heading in a nanosecond. With pristine technique, he killed its momentum and passed it to where the setter would have stood. A perfect serve, and a perfect receive.
Kageyama thought about how fitting it was that he was spending his graduation day there, in the familiar gymnasium, practising volleyball with Hinata. Though not only to create memories of his own, this time he wanted Hinata to remember him as well, to keep good impressions of him before he flew to the other side of the world. Vibrant and sunny Brazil, Kageyama chuckled, it was meant for Hinata.
The two sat on the stairs of the gym, staring absentmindedly at the blue sky above. Silence was scarce whenever they were together, but now that both were stuck in their own thoughts, their final day was strangely quiet. Kageyama was content with it. Sometimes, they needed silence to truly appreciate each other’s presence. And it wasn’t like he had anything else to say to Hinata.
That was a big fat lie.
The boy he fell in love with was sitting right next to him, and he wouldn’t return in the near future. All of the emotions that had been suppressed for the past three years, Kageyama wanted to spill them all out. The more Hinata looked ahead, the more Kageyama looked to him. He wanted to take his hand and selfishly say, “I’m right here. Choose me.” Every fibre of his being was screaming, “Do something, this is the moment you’ve been waiting for!” His heart, reaching its limit, was cramping up; the confession was right at the tip of his tongue, just waiting for the second he opened his mouth to escape.
But Kageyama didn’t say anything.
And that was his last mistake.
Instead, he just patted the top of Hinata’s head, fingers gently combing through every curl. From every ruffle after a win, to the times he wanted to squish that head because its owner had just hit a home run, Kageyama knew these amber curls like the back of his hand. They were like sunlight — bright, yet soft. Kageyama hoped this wasn’t the last time he got to touch them.
“You need to get a haircut, they’re getting way too long.”
“I know already!” Hinata replied with a grunt. “I was just about to do it this afternoon. Gotta be ready before I hit the road.”
Kageyama knew long before that he could never stop Hinata once he set his eyes on something. No one could. A star will always dive head-first into the unknown and discover all of the universe’s mysteries to its heart's desires, leaving everybody else either chasing it or simply, behind.
Kageyama had made up his mind. He would confess when Hinata returned. This timing could be right for him, but not at all for Hinata. He was about to head on to a completely new country all by himself, with the intention of starting from scratch, how was he supposed to do that if he was burdened by his ex-teammate’s sentiments?
Kageyama had gotten this far, there was no reason for him to give up now.
Hinata stood up first and stretched his hand towards Kageyama. His glowing smile put even the most brilliant stars to shame, turning that so-called glorious sun into nothing more than a dim spot in the sky. “Oh, there it is.” Kageyama thought. The happiness that he had been chasing all his life was now right before his eyes. While Hinata made a brief turn, Kageyama would continue running tirelessly on this road of theirs. So that once they met again, after becoming the better version of themselves, Kageyama wouldn’t hesitate to say those three words.
“It’s been fun, Kageyama. I’ll see you later then!”
Hinata said it as a goodbye. Kageyama considered it an oath.
“Yeah, see you around.”
It was scary, how time waited for no one.
If Kageyama’s life was a movie, then his high school days were the slow-motion moment at the climax. While it only lasted a few seconds in reality, when he was the one experiencing it, everything seemed to be frozen in time, condensed into pieces of memories that ingrained themselves in his head. He used to think those peaceful days would never end, and that’s why when it did, Kageyama couldn’t help but feel disoriented.
Even though it was only going uphill since then, sometimes there was too much going on at the same time. Everything came too fast, too relentless. It was as if he wasn’t in control of his own life anymore, and it was stringing him along.
After a while, things finally settled down when Kageyama joined Scheweiden Adlers as their main setter. The exhilaration of getting to stand alongside monsters and compete against them electrified him to the core. And even though Kageyama wouldn’t have traded it for the world, every now and then, he'd look down at the orange court and remember the old wooden floor; and sometimes, just sometimes, when he tossed the ball up, Kageyama would imagine a shorter guy with fiery hair jumping up and spiking it down the other side.
Hinata still kept in contact with him, maybe not as much as before, but it was understandable considering they were both busy with their own lives. About once a month, Hinata would send him the photos he had taken: a tasty-looking local dish, a sunset view, or him celebrating with a teammate. It was like an unspoken affirmation, ‘Hey, I’m still here. I’m alright.” Kageyama would always send back photos too, no matter how boring or repetitive they might seem.
“I know. So am I.”
It’d be a lie if Kageyama said he didn’t miss the first few months after Hinata arrived in Rio. During that period, there weren’t almost any days when he didn’t call him. He was the one who listened to Hinata’s endless ramblings about all the cool new things he'd seen, the one who updated him about their mutual friends, and the one who comforted Hinata when he was plagued with homesickness. Even if he was glad that Hinata had now completely fit in with Brazil, a small, petty part of Kageyama still wanted him to keep depending on him. He liked being wanted by Hinata.
And God, he missed Hinata. Despite being halfway across the world, his warmth still found a way into Kageyama’s heart. His first love was resilient and stubborn just like him. So when Kageyama got a text from Hinata at 1 a.m., announcing that he would return to Japan in a week, the raven-haired boy almost fell out of his bed.
“Finally.” He thought out loud as if to remind himself that this wasn’t a dream. It was quick, but it was also so, so long.
Kageyama counted down each day until his sun returned to the country where he rose first. He cleared his calendar, agreed to help Yachi organise the welcome-back party, and spent a whole millennium contemplating in front of the flower shop before changing his mind.
Hinata’s family had picked him up from the airport early in the morning, then he would come by for dinner at Asahi’s house — simply because it was the only place big enough to host the whole Karasuno team.
“So when Yachi-san opens the door, we’ll all say ‘Welcome home’, got it?” Daichi clapped once as he gave out instructions. “And Tsukishima, I heard you clicked your tongue.”
“Erm, please wait a minute,” Yamaguchi raised his hand. “Hinata just asked to be ten minutes late.”
Everyone collectively relaxed just a little.
“So I guess it’s enough time for me to put the mini ladder away?” Asahi suggested.
Sugawara cackled as he gave Asahi a smack that certainly wasn’t gentle. “Of course! Make yourself at home!”
“This is my home though?!”
Tsukishima was the last person Kageyama expected to approach him first. That trademark smirk of his was still as irritating as ever.
“Deep breaths, His Majesty. You look like you’re about to have a stroke.”
“Shut up. I’m… just anxious, alright?” Kageyama grumbled.
His expression shifted, a wordless “You know how to be anxious?”, but as soon as his snide gaze was replaced by furrowed brows, Kageyama knew that Tsukishima knew. It didn’t matter that they hadn’t seen each other in a while, it’d be strange if someone as sharp as him wouldn’t catch on right away.
Tsukishima just sighed. “You guys are such a pair of troublemakers. Always have been, always will be”.
“Thanks. Your point is?” Kageyama replied curtly. He wasn’t in the mood to make this conversation last any longer than necessary.
“My point is, thanks to that, you have nothing to worry about.”
Tsukishima then walked away without leaving Kageyama a chance to reply. He couldn’t say anything anyway, because if that was the one-in-a-million chance to hear Tsukishima’s genuine encouragement, Kageyama was smart enough to not refuse it.
He should have.
Kageyama shouldn’t have let Tsukishima feed into his already budding hope. He should have known that even if Tsukishima was super smart, he could still be wrong at times. Kageyama hadn’t known that nurturing too much hope was as dangerous as desperation itself. He hadn’t known, until it was too late.
“Oh! Hinata’s here!” Yachi, who was monitoring through the peephole, eagerly turned around to announce. “Please get in position, everyone!”
More than a dozen people rushed to huddle behind the living room table, all trying to be as quiet as possible. There was a knock. The excitement made some burst out giggling, followed immediately by a row of shushes.
Yachi looked at Daichi for the cue, and when he nodded, she opened the door.
“Welcome home!”
Everyone chanted, the confetti cannons which Saeko had brought created even more of a surprise. Hinata stood awestruck at the entrance, clearly not anticipating such extravagance. There was a second of total silence, then he opened his arms, a familiar smile stretched across his face. The whole room seemed to brighten up.
“I’m home!”
To call everything that happened after chaotic was an understatement. The whole house exploded with cheers, and Daichi had to forcefully peel Nishinoya and Tanaka, both crying waterfalls, off of Hinata. Everyone wanted to come greet him, but they all stopped dead in their tracks once they realised another person was fidgeting at the door.
He had grown taller since high school, his hair styled a different way, his features much more mature. But anyone who had seen his monstrous serves at their historic battle five years ago wouldn’t forget so easily, and soon all of the guests dropped their jaws. Of all places, no one expected to see him at Hinata’s reunion party.
Hinata, who seemed to have predicted everyone’s reaction, decided to pull the blond closer to him.
“It’s been a while since you guys have seen this face, right?” He smiled sheepishly. “I know this is a huge surprise, but this is Miya Atsumu. He’s… my boyfriend.”
Something inside Kageyama just broke.
He could feel Tsukishima’s eyes pinned on him, but he didn’t care to look back. Inside Kageyama’s head were a thousand voices trying to convince themselves, screaming desperately that this was just a nightmare and he would wake up soon. Yes, he would open his eyes, and check his phone to see Hinata’s message about coming back to Japan in a week. Just a bad nightmare.
But the scene before his eyes was like a chain tying him down in place, not allowing him to wake up.
Kiyoko was the first to put an end to the awkward atmosphere. With a simple “Congratulations, Hinata!” and a sincere smile, she successfully pulled everyone out of shock, and soon people gathered around to greet both Hinata and Atsumu.
“What a playboy you are!” Saeko put Hinata in a headlock and ruffled his head. “C’mon, let’s go sit down, you have to tell me everything. Tonight we’re having seafood hotpot.”
“Oh my gosh, that’s my favourite!”
“Haha, don’t I know it!”
Kageyama tried his best to keep himself busy; he helped set up the dinner table in the front yard, answered his upperclassmen’s questions about his team, all while reminding himself to always look straight ahead. To ignore the right corner of his eyes, where Hinata was helping Atsumu remember who was who. To not think anything when Atsumu whispered something in Hinata’s ear, pulling an airy laugh out of him.
Just don’t.
It was ridiculous, how Kageyama impatiently waited the entire week for this day, and when it finally arrived, all he wanted to do was run away.
Always retaining the composure of a leader, Daichi proudly stated his speech.
“On behalf of Karasuno Volleyball Club, including Coach Ukai and Takeda-sensei — who were sorry they couldn’t be with us tonight — I’d like to say it again: Welcome home, Hinata!”
“Congrats!” The sounds of clinking glass echoed into the night sky.
“Thank you so much!”, Hinata stood up and bowed deeply. “I’m grateful that everyone came together and organised such a wonderful party. It must’ve been hard.”
“Oh, this? It was no biggie.” Tanaka waved his hand dismissively. “You can show your gratitude by telling us what happened these past two years. I mean, holy hell, you sure got tanned!”
And so Hinata told everyone everything he could remember about Brazil. He reminisced about the delectable cuisine, the blazing temperature of its crowded beaches, his timid but nice roommate, how sand and wind changed his whole perspective on volleyball, and even how he randomly ran into the Grand King. The stories, despite being interesting, weren’t a novelty for most of the gang — it wasn’t like they had completely lost contact with each other — and so Hinata naturally started to run out of topics. It was then, without debating beforehand, that everyone collectively glanced at the guy sitting beside Hinata — the uninvited guest who wasn’t a stranger nor a friend. How a fox ended up sitting in the middle of the crows certainly was a story they had never heard of.
“Don’t get me wrong, Hinata…” Sugawara snickered after they clinked their glasses again. “But this Miya guy was totally not what I thought you’d bring home from Brazil. I expected, like, a mini Jesus statue or something.”
The whole table burst into laughter, silently thanking Sugawara for his brazenness. Getting called out made Hinata immediately crumble into a blushing mess, his face buried deep in his hands as he groaned. Atsumu, after staying quiet for the most part, heartily took this as an opportunity to join in.
“Please, call me Atsumu. And I know right? I didn’t expect this lil’ shrimp to take me away from enchanting Rio either.”
“Oh? So did Mi— Atsumu-san also come to Brazil to train?” Yachi asked.
“Hey, don’t talk as if you've ever been there for more than a month!” Hinata feigned exasperation as he carried on with the story. “Last fall, several of the Division 1’s teams were in a friendly tournament with some of South America’s best. Oikawa-san invited me to one of his matches, and who would’ve thought it was the one where they competed against ‘Tsumu’s team.”
“Shouyou screamed my name so loud that you could hear it from the other side of the stadium.” Atsumu smiled as he recalled.
“I couldn’t help it, I was just so shocked!” Hinata retorted. “Now that I think about it, it wasn’t even your turn to serve. How come I had to pay for dinner that night?”
“It was obviously just an excuse to hang out with you, dummy!” Atsumu wasn’t the type to back down either, and Karasuno suddenly saw a glimpse of his 17-year-old self. “Do you think I had to lose track of that Oikawa guy just because I hated him?”
“You’re the dummy here! Do you guys know why we were late today? ‘Tsumu forgot to change and wore my indoor slippers outside! We were already halfway when we realised and had to turn around. He even had to bribe Natsu so she would wash them for him, embarrassing.”
Yamaguchi nudged Tsukishima. “Why do they still sound so lovey-dovey, even when they’re bickering?”
Tsukishima just shrugged, he wanted to make a sarcastic remark but then decided not to. Not when Kageyama sat right next to him, downing beer after beer with frightening speed.
Hinata put his index finger on Atsumu's mouth before he managed to form a comeback. “Anyways, before he returned to Japan, we exchanged phone numbers. And… you can figure out the rest.”
“Woah… it’s kinda like destiny!” Ennoshita spoke from the end of the table, and everyone turned to him.
“That sounds cool, Ennoshita-san! What do you mean though?” Hinata cocked his head in confusion.
Ennoshita scratched his head, clearly didn’t expect anyone to hear him. “Oh, I just meant, um, everyone was surprised when you suddenly ran into Oikawa in a whole different continent, it was a strange coincidence. And through him, you got to meet Atsumu-kun, yet another incidental encounter. So I thought that, if it’s one time then yes, probably a coincidence, but when you find another coincidence within that coincidence, then it’s kinda special?”
“Hey, let’s take a shot whenever Chikara says ‘coincidence’,” Nishinoya whispered to Tanaka, but it wasn’t nearly subtle enough because he instantly received a smack from Ennoshita.
Kiyoko smiled insightfully. “I think what Ennoshita wanted to say was, even though you two led two different lives, somehow you met each other again when it was least expected. The fact that you two were at the same place, at the same time once again, it’s like the universe was trying to tell you something, right?”
“...Oh.” Both Hinata and Atsumu slightly gasped, seemingly only realising now what kind of miracle they possessed.
Atsumu proceeded to put his arm around Hinata to pull him closer. Something about the way he easily closed their distance evoked a sense of familiarity, as if they had done this countless times, and the way Hinata automatically took hold of his hand only confirmed it. He leaned his head on Hinata’s with a blissful smile.
“Well then, whatever the universe was trying to say, I really hope I’ve made it.”
A profound stretch of silence. And then Atsumu used the other hand to give a thumbs up.
“And maybe I did it too well because y’know what, it orchestrated another totally random meeting for us right before Shouyou returned! We ended up flying back here together.”
“What? Really? How?” The party erupted with questions.
“Yeah right, if you pretend that buying a one-way plane ticket to Brazil ‘for funsies’ was the universe’s doing. We almost didn’t manage to buy seats next to each other on the way home!” Hinata wiped his face, but the judgemental look stayed. “Besides, coming home at midnight only to see you posing on my bed remains the scariest experience of my life.”
“You mean the most romantic, I know. Also, you should talk to Pedro about stranger danger. I only asked if you lived there and he already invited me inside.”
“Oh, it’s because he recognised your face. We watched your matches all the time.”
Karasuno Volleyball Club shared a pleased grin as they let the two main characters talk as much as they wished. The unannounced appearance of Inarizaki’s ex-setter, half of the twins that put their team through hell years ago, plus his newfound relationship with Hinata surely took everyone by surprise. But after witnessing just how happy Atsumu made Hinata, they all thought it was high time to leave the past behind and change their impression of the guy for the better.
Everyone, except one.
Kageyama sat there and listened, but nothing got into his head. His mind was there, but at the same time not. He had created for himself an invisible wall of glass, to escape the waves of despair that were screaming to get in and wash over him. He told himself that as long as he stood behind the glass, and kept his emotions at bay, he’d be fine.
It seemed to have worked, that was until the subject of destiny was brought up, and the first crack started to show.
Despite his situation, Kageyama almost wanted to laugh at the irony. He wanted to stand up and argue that there was nothing called destiny, and the universe was sadistic for playing with his feelings. He wanted to go back in time and beat up his 16-year-old self for believing he was special, because look where he was now. But it’d be hypocritical, since he understood better than anyone that he hadn’t changed at all. He was still an idiot.
And then Kageyama saw it.
“Well then, whatever the universe was trying to say, I really hope I’ve made it.”
Atsumu’s declaration wasn’t the breaking point, it was what followed after. Such a minor detail, but still one that crushed Kageyama’s heart, made his head spin and sent him spiralling.
Hinata had smiled in response to Atsumu; a fond, loving smile that was reserved only for him. Who else could’ve noticed, the way Hinata leaned just a bit deeper into his hug, held his hand just a bit tighter, but Kageyama saw everything. And then finally he realised that not even once had Hinata smiled at him like that, and he probably never would.
The glass had been shattered to pieces, and Kageyama was drowning.
“Enough about me, how is everybody doing?”
Because it was the first time they were able to get the whole gang together after so long, it goes without saying that dinner just wasn’t enough. Eventually, the Karasuno team moved upstairs to flip through photo albums and continue their trip down memory lane. Conversations lasted far into the night, however their conclusion was unfortunately inevitable. It started with Tsukishima, who excused himself first because he had an early class the morning after, then Ennoshita so that he could catch the last bus home, and then Tanaka and Kiyoko, then Narita and Kinoshita; one by one, the crows started to disperse.
Each person was sent off by Hinata with a tight hug and a personalised souvenir, until anyone who could walk had left and there were only the third-years (so drunk they’ve collapsed on the rug) and Nishinoya left — who was cracking jokes with Atsumu as if they were childhood friends. If someone told Nishinoya in high school that he would one day get on extremely well with Inarizaki’s setter, he probably would have punched them.
Kageyama didn’t know why he was still there, especially when he could’ve gone home long ago and wallowed in his own self-pity. But the second he saw Hinata standing on the balcony, alone, he understood.
Hinata turned around when he heard the door slide open.
“Oh, Kageyama.”
Just his name coming out of his mouth already made Kageyama’s heart skip a beat, but then it sank again. He leaned into the railing as well, then picked a tree in the garden underneath to fixate on. He didn’t want to, couldn’t look at Hinata right now.
“Hey, you’re not mad at me or anything, right?” Hinata asked after a moment.
“What? No. Why would you think that?”
“You avoided eye contact the whole dinner. I was worried I did something wrong.”
“No. It's because… I wasn’t used to it after so long. Your orange head is as annoying as ever.”
“Ah, that’s the Kageyama I know.”
Perhaps because it was past midnight, perhaps it was the apprehension after two years apart, or perhaps it was a million other reasons, but their competitive spirit was only one-tenth the usual. It didn’t come without benefits though, because now they could really talk.
“So, Atsumu-san.”
“Yeah, Atsumu-san.”
All common sense abandoned, Kageyama couldn’t help but lift his gaze off the ground and onto Hinata. Putting salt on his own wound like some twisted form of self-torture, he wanted to know how Hinata would react when Atsumu was mentioned, without him around.
Hinata was… different. His skin was no longer as pale as snow, but instead sunkissed and vigorous. His hair was noticeably shorter compared to their last year of high school. His arms hardened, his eyes wise. Time had taken the Hinata that Kageyama knew away, and brought back another Hinata that was more skilled, more mature, more at ease. The better version of himself.
But that didn’t mean Hinata had completely changed. He still stuffed as much food as he could in his mouth as if to test his limits. He still stomped his foot every time he laughed way too hard. He still showed all of his feelings outwards, without hiding a single one, and it was true even now. With a longing stare and the name Atsumu lingering on his lips, Hinata smiled. It was a smile worth a thousand words, a reflection of all those days and months that only those two knew, as well as the utmost concrete proof of just how deep Hinata’s love was for him.
And it was a knife straight through Kageyama’s chest.
He rolled his hands into knuckles, so hard that his fingertips were turning white. His mind was poisoned with a cacophony of questions, accompanied by a bubbling feeling of pure rage.
When did this start? Was it the first match, or the second?
Why didn’t I notice the signs?
Why did it only take one month for you to choose Atsumu?
Why didn’t you say anything before?
And the most painful one of all: Why him?
They scratched at Kageyama’s throat, urging him to open his mouth so that they could unleash their havoc. The childish side of Kageyama wanted to dump all those hurtful words on Hinata, to make him feel guilty over his own feelings, to pull him close and kiss him right in front of his boyfriend — all because Kageyama could.
But he didn’t do anything. And this time, only this time, he felt like he had made the right decision.
Instead, he just asked one question.
“Are you happy?”
Hinata looked back at Kageyama with eyes wide open, the sudden serious question caught him off guard. But once the initial shock passed, he answered without hesitation.
“Yeah, I’m happy.”
And that was all Kageyama needed.
It was miraculous, how time changed a person. From the boy who was criticised for having absolutely no filter, to today, that boy stood there with all his sentiments buried six feet deep, and the three words he wanted to say all these past five years swallowed whole, so that no one could ever find out.
Whether that change was good or bad, he didn’t know. Good for who, bad for who, he didn’t know either.
Hinata had now turned his entire body towards him. “I’m gonna join Black Jackals.” He announced.
Kageyama frowned. “Isn’t that…”
“It’s the best team that’s still recruiting members. Even if Atsumu-san wasn't there, I’d still join it.”
Hinata’s gaze was determined and honest. Kageyama had seen them too many times to know that he meant everything he said.
“Then my team will defeat yours at the next tournament.”
Hinata giggled, his laughter as warm as the summer sun. Returning the provocation, he pointed his thumb at his chest.
“Not if we beat you first!”
The balcony door slid open once again, gaining attention from both. Atsumu leaned into the frame and made a poor effort to cover his yawn.
“It’s getting kinda late, Shouyou. Do you wanna go home yet?”
Shouyou took out his phone to check the time. “Oh no! I totally zoned out. We have to go visit Grandpa and Grandma tomorrow too!”
“I don’t think that I could wake up before noon though…” Atsumu whined.
Hinata squinted as he calculated. “...To be honest, neither do I. I’ll ask to visit in the afternoon then. Oh wait, I have to give Nishinoya-san his gift!”
Still full of energy despite this ungodly hour, the orange-haired boy dashed inside, leaving the other two watching him. Atsumu then lazily shifted his eyes to Kageyama.
“Tobio-kun.”
“Atsumu-san.”
“Doing alright these days?”
“Yes.”
“Still as talkative as ever, huh?”
“Yes.”
Atsumu chuckled as he shook his head slightly.
“I really want to drop some cool lines for you, but honestly, I’m way too sleepy. Let’s save it for the upcoming V.League, yeah?”
Atsumu was just about to go inside when he heard Kageyama call his name, and so he turned around again. “What?”
Atsumu is a setter whom Kageyama had always admired. In his mind, he stood on the same pedestal as Oikawa, sometimes even a tad higher. It was thanks to him that Kageyama discovered many things he didn’t know about himself, and in doing so he might have inadvertently helped Karasuno get into the top 8 of Nationals that same year. If there was ever someone else who could match Hinata’s neck-breaking speed, it’d be Atsumu. No matter how much his heart grieved, Kageyama knew deep inside that the only other person who could replace him and run alongside Hinata for the rest of the road, was Atsumu.
And he did exactly that.
“Please cherish Hinata as much as you can.”
Please do what I didn’t.
All of a sudden, Atsumu was as awake as an owl. He studied Kageyama pensively, and Kageyama could almost see the gears in Atsumu’s head start turning as he tried to dissect what he said. Trying to tell whether it simply came from the kindness of a friend, or it had other undertones.
But then his usual easygoing smile returned. Even if Atsumu caught onto something, he had no intention of pointing it out.
“Don’t tell me such unnecessary things, Tobio-kun.”
“I’ll relay the message, don’t worry.”
“Remember: Sunglasses for Daichi-san, bandana for Asahi-san and mini Jesus statue for Sugawara-san.” Hinata repeated himself even as Kageyama had pushed him to the patio. “I was gonna give him a T-shirt, but after that joke, he’d find this hilarious for sure.”
“Oh, so you have a sense of humour after all.”
“I don’t wanna hear that, especially from a lame guy like you, Kageyama!”
The ruckus quickly died down. They both felt like they were breaking some kind of unspoken law if they talked too loud after midnight.
“Anyways, see you around.”
“Hinata.”
Hinata had already turned halfway, but he froze in place as soon as he saw Kageyama standing with his arms wide open and his eyes glued to the floor. Hinata couldn’t close his mouth as he stepped closer to Kageyama, gawking at him as if he had come down in a spaceship.
“Do you need to be that surprised?” Kageyama mumbled, the embarrassment was hitting him like a ton of bricks. “...You did it for everyone else.”
Hinata blinked once, then burst out laughing when he remembered. Not wanting to poke fun at him and risk the chance of missing out on a whole new side of his lifelong friend, Hinata didn’t think twice before he dived straight into Kageyama for a hug.
Kageyama had to will his heart to stay in his chest instead of jumping out, but then he reciprocated by wrapping his arms tightly around the other boy. Their height distance put Kageyama’s nose on top of Hinata’s head, the soft curls gently tickling him. It only took a second for the pink blush to spread all over Kageyama’s ears, and the spot on his back where Hinata’s hands touched started to heat up as if they could leave burn marks. And Kageyama thought to himself, if this was how it felt to fly too close to the sun, then he'd never been more ready to be turned into ashes.
He prayed for this moment to be preserved forever, so that they could just hug until the end of time. But then he decided not to, since he himself knew all too well just how cruel time could be. Hinata looked up at him, his smile the most beautiful one Kageyama had ever seen.
“Satisfied?”
Just for tonight, the boy who usually was straightforward to the point of being blunt, kept on lying as if it was second nature.
“Yeah.”
Hinata eventually let go, signalling for Kageyama to follow suit. The warmth disappeared all at once, so much so that he had to wonder if October had always been this cold. And with that, Hinata skipped down the porch and to the car where Atsumu was waiting.
“See you on the court!” He waved.
“Yeah, see you.”
Kageyama waited until they drove out of sight, then sat down on one of the folding chairs that were scattered across Asahi’s yard. The fact that this place was brimming with life just a few hours ago only made the silence more heavy, and multiplied Kageyama’s loneliness by the thousands.
He stared down at his hands, trying his best to recall Hinata’s body temperature in the mere seconds of their embrace. During their entire send-off, he didn’t glance at Atsumu once. At that moment, only the two of them existed, and with Hinata in his arms, Kageyama was in heaven. But greater expectations only bring greater disappointments, because when he was forced to stand there and watch as Atsumu opened the car door for Hinata before nodding goodbye — an action of which neither of them would probably think twice about — it was like a slap across Kageyama’s face. It dragged him back to reality, extinguished every speck of hope and left him with nothing but two empty hands and a broken heart.
For Hinata, it was their first genuine hug. For Kageyama, it was their last.
He came back inside the house to wake Asahi up, left the gifts as instructed and then excused himself. All was done with haste, simply because if Kageyama had stayed any longer, he was afraid he would have broken down crying.
He left his mind numb for the entirety of the way home, only focusing on driving and nothing else. If he had to face everything that had happened, he’d rather do it after he was warm on his bed and safe under blankets. The autopilot only turned off when the engine did. He was home.
He glanced at the seat next to him, where Hinata’s present for him sat. Curiosity took over as Kageyama lifted the paper bag and put it in his lap. He remembered thinking it was heavy when Hinata gave it to him, and he soon understood why as he pulled out a black cardboard box. Nike’s distinct logo looked back at him.
Inside was a pair of brand new sports shoes, its black colour made the sole orange stripe stand out even more. There was a post-it note taped on the right shoe. Kageyama recognised Hinata’s messy handwriting right away.
“Took like two months' worth of my salary, so you’d better use them well! Wear them while you take on the world (excluding me of course)!”
Only when drops of tears started to dampen the note did Kageyama realise he was crying. He found it funny, because his first thought was “Ah, it’s been a while since I did this.”
It was as if the brain was trying to distract itself, but the anguish prevailed again once it was reminded of how everything ended. Kageyama didn’t try to stop crying, he had kept it in for too long. He cried until his ears were muffled and his nose was stuffed. At the same time, the knot inside his stomach was loosened, even for just a little.
After a long while, he didn’t know exactly how long, Kageyama sat in his car and stared at nothing. He thought about how contradictory it was, the swelter of his tears compared to Hinata’s warmth.
Two years ago, Kageyama let Hinata go so that he wouldn’t have any regrets, but the price to pay was Kageyama’s own happiness. Maybe for the rest of his life, he would never stop asking himself if things could’ve ever been different. If he picked his heart over his head that day, if he decided to be a little more selfish and a little less agitated, would Hinata have sat here next to him instead of Atsumu? Nonetheless, no one could reverse time and change what they did, or what they didn’t. Kageyama had no other choice but to stand up once again, and continue running ahead like he had always done, only this time alone. His old companion and his first love had gone in another direction, and in turn, found a new companion and a first love of his own.
Kageyama would’ve liked to think these shoes were more meaningful than they were supposed to be. It could be Hinata’s reminder to never stop running, as well as his final goodbye after their road split into two. Maybe they would intertwine here and there, but never fuse into one ever again.
Not just opponents, but nothing more than friends.
Would he remain in solitude like this, or would someone else join him at some point, Kageyama wondered which one was better. Because he thought, no, he knew that he could never love anyone as much as he loved Hinata. Just thinking about that made another tear prickle Kageyama’s eyes.
His sun had gone down.