Chapter Text
She was in love with Kiana?
It was a hard realization to stomach. She almost didn’t want to, despite the way it made her chest ache, despite the way her fingertips burned, despite the way she knew it to be true, somewhere deep down in the depths of her heart. She was too afraid for it to bring her any comfort, too scared of change, too scared to lose her best friend over some selfish impulse.
As she watched Kiana pull the cupcakes back out of the oven, however, she knew she had it bad.
So what, though? She could just ignore it. By now, she was virtually a pro at repressing how she felt; what was one more bullet point on the list? Certainly nothing to make note of.
She didn’t let it bother her. She wasn’t perturbed when Kiana joked about finding a different girl attractive, she wasn’t concerned when a girl from their class would laugh a little too hard at one of Kiana’s jokes, she wasn’t upset in the slightest even when Fu Hua asked her if Kiana was single. Not at all. Not even a little bit. She just grit her teeth, and pressed on, stumbling, and starving, and bleeding her way through each day as they came.
School proved to be incredibly monotonous after that, though. She tried her hardest to be a good student, nevertheless—no more skipping class, no more laying in bed, waiting for the days to pass—and it, of course, had nothing to do with the the butterflies that appeared in her stomach when Kiana decided to start holding her hand in the halls between classes. That was normal, something that girl friends do, Mei assumed, despite not really having any before now.
Not that they were girlfriends, but, rather, girl friends, which, to Mei, seemed a marked distinction, a hard line in the sand never to be crossed.
Sometimes, though, when the lights in their dorm finally got turned off, and she laid in bed, tucked in the corner opposite of the one Kiana’s was in, she couldn’t help but think about what Seele had said about her and Bronya. ‘Bronya was my only friend for a really long time. It just felt right.’ It sounded awfully familiar, didn’t it? Well, except for the ‘It just sorta happened’ part; thinking about that only ever filled her with dread.
Occasionally, those midnight musings would follow her into the day, leaving her to absentmindedly copy down notes, as she turned the words over in her head. This was especially true on the days she and Kiana had lunch, or otherwise spent time with the two of them—the frequency of which, while to be expected because of the simple fact that they were friends, made it hard to ever truly let it go.
They were just so comfortable together, and that only grew more apparent the more comfortable they grew being around Mei. Seele would tease Bronya about something, and Bronya would quip right back like it was the easiest thing in the world. They shared food, they shared space, they shared breath, though Mei could tell Bronya felt more than a little self conscious about kissing in front of her and Kiana. It made Mei’s heart ache seeing two people like that, seeing them so open about being like that. Compared to what she had been raised to expect, it almost felt like an entirely different world, one she had wandered into on accident, and was desperately trying not to let slip through her fingers.
It didn’t help, either, the way Seele looked at her sometimes, almost like she knew. There was understanding in her eyes, even if it was coupled with a slight smug grin anytime Mei instinctively sat next to Kiana, anytime she leaned into her, or was caught staring, anytime Kiana, along with her own, brought Mei food during lunch, too, and all she could muster up in reply was a meek ‘thank you.’ By now, she sorta figured what Seele had meant when she wished her luck back when they first met, and, though the girl herself often seemed somewhat timid, and reserved, that part of her never failed to set Mei on edge.
She didn’t have a clue if any of it affected Kiana the same way, though—any of the staring, or the complicated thoughts, or the overly contemplated actions—but, then again, why would it? To her, it probably wasn’t anything special, and, even if she did think about it, there probably wasn’t anyone specific on her mind anyway.
One time, a time where Fu Hua had joined them as well—and sat incredibly close to Kiana, a fact which didn’t bother her in the slightest— Fu Hua had asked Kiana if they could talk, as they were leaving. It sounded innocent enough. They were friends now, too, and friends talk-
What?
It made Mei’s stomach flip, and she could feel her hands start to tremble. She took a deep breath, though, and tried her hardest to convince herself that no, it didn’t hurt, and no, she wasn’t shaking, and, when Kiana told her she’d see her back at their dorm, she left, simple as that. It wasn’t on her mind the rest of the night. She didn’t do anything rash, or stupid because of it. Of course not.
She couldn’t help but notice how Kiana very intentionally danced around her question when she got back, though. Mei had asked her what Fu Hua wanted to talk about, but all Kiana said was ‘it was nothing,’ and ‘she just had a couple questions.’
Even still, despite Kiana’s assurances, Mei couldn’t get it out of her head. She tried, but it didn’t work, so much so that, the next time it was just her and Fu Hua together, she couldn’t stop herself from asking about it. Besides, she and Fu Hua were friends—good friends, even—so that was normal, right? Totally.
Fu Hua just sighed when she did, though, pushing the hair out of her face, and her glasses up. “It was nothing, really.”
“Yeah?” Mei hoped she didn’t sound as weird as she felt.
Fu Hua simply shrugged. “I asked her if she wanted to go out sometime, she said she had feelings for somebody already.”
She said it so casually, but, to Mei, it felt like a punch in the gut.
Kiana had feelings for someone? Who? For how long? Was it someone she knew?
Better yet, why didn’t she tell Mei that? They were best friends—Kiana had said so herself—so why wasn’t that something that Mei already knew? And why was Kiana so squirrelly when Mei asked her about what Fu Hua had wanted?
Mei felt like a thunderstorm was brewing just beneath her skin, and, so mixed up, so overwhelmed, all she could come up with to say was “I- I see.”
Fu Hua remained ever easy, though, taking it in stride. “I’m not that broken up about it; I doubt it would’ve gone anywhere, anyway.”
Mei didn’t truly feel fully conscious for the rest of their study session, truth be told, and, even worse, she could barely even look at Kiana when she went back to their dorm.
That was when the guilt set in.
If what she had felt before was some haphazard combination of dread, and misplaced hope, what she felt now was a lot more soul crushing. Not only had she missed her chance, but Kiana hadn’t even bothered to tell her so herself. Mei had been so afraid of things changing that, when she looked up, they already had, somehow.
And what was she supposed to do now?
Somewhere deep down, part of her had even suspected that Kiana felt similarly. They held hands, they, by far, spent more time with each other than anyone else, sometimes they’d even lay in the same bed while Kiana played video games, head at the foot of it, and Mei read, leaning against the headboard. What was all of that? Nothing? Purely friendly? And what about when they’d baked together, and Kiana was so soft, and gentle, and it felt so very domestic, and home-y? Was she just supposed to forget that? To move on, and simply let it be?
She felt ridiculous for ever thinking otherwise. She felt like she had been yanked in a hundred different directions all at once, like a single thread that had been pulled, and pulled, and pulled until she was unraveling completely, falling apart at the seams, all tape, and glue, no more cross stitch to hold her in place.
She had never really been religious, apart from when the older members of her family had forced her to, back when they still spoke to her, back when they thought she was still a boy, but she prayed with every fiber of her being that Kiana wouldn’t notice how miserable she was this time. She tried a lot harder to keep up appearances, meals still hard to stomach, but classes and study groups swallowed diligently like badly cooked vegetables.
The worst part of it all, too—or perhaps the best, depending on the day you asked her—was that Kiana still did all the same stuff from before. She still interlaced her fingers with Mei’s, and let her thumb draw circles against the back of her hand. She still got lunch for her, even though she knew Mei would likely just throw it away. She still looked for her between the classes they didn’t have together. She still invited her almost everywhere she went.
It was almost too much to take; it made Mei feel so incredibly guilty, basking in it even though she knew she shouldn’t. Instead of light, it felt heavy, like a weight in the pit of her stomach. Instead of butterflies, it was fear; instead of hope, far fetched though it may have been, it was pure, utter defeat. She knew she had to let it go, even if it felt impossible, but, even that, she didn’t want to change. Despite it feeling like torture at times, she didn’t want to give it up until she had to, no matter what.
One night, about an hour after lights out, with only a small lamp, and the faint glow of the tv lighting the room, Mei finally cracked.
She was only slightly red-faced, finished pretending not to be hyperventilating in the bathroom, and content to settle into one of her books, or the game Kiana had given to her all that time ago, but, as she did, something Kiana said stopped her dead in her tracks.
“Do you wanna sit with me, Mei?”
“Oh, uh, sure.” Mei could never say no to a request like that, so, instead of climbing into her own bed, she joined Kiana in her’s, shoulder to shoulder, leaning against the smaller girl.
“You okay?”
Mei simply nodded, and, though Kiana never took her eyes off the screen, Mei could tell she got the message.
“That’s good.” A trigger pressed, Kiana’s controller vibrated in her hands. “Just wanna make sure.” Kiana said that part softer, though, lower, almost like a whisper, and Mei couldn’t help but smile, despite the way it made her stomach twist.
“Thank you,” and Mei let her eyes slip shut, listening to the dull noises from the tv, to the in and out of Kiana’s breathing. “Just for caring so much, you know? It means a lot to me.”
Though Mei kept her eyes shut, she could feel Kiana shake her head. “You don’t have to thank me for caring, Mei. I always will.”
Mei didn’t quite know how to respond to that. It made her overjoyed, and the way Kiana said it, too—low, and crackly, in a voice Mei was certain no one else had heard—had her heart singing. That didn’t change the fact that Kiana wanted someone else, though, that it’d never truly be her. In her mind, at least, it didn’t.
She didn’t say it, though; she couldn’t, even if she wanted to. Instead, all she did was remain silent, breathing, and thinking, and listening to the sounds of Kiana’s video game. It felt like home—like the home she had never truly had—and, despite the ever churning feelings that persisted in Mei’s mind, she was at peace. This was what she couldn’t give up, what she didn’t want to lose, that sense of closeness, of comfort, of togetherness, of love, even if neither of them said it, even if they felt it in starkly different ways.
After a while, though, the sounds coming from the tv paused, turning to a dull hum, and Mei could feel Kiana shift, could sense her turning her head, and staring, and, though she wanted to ask what was on her mind, she stayed silent, just like always. Thankfully, Kiana spoke up for her.
“Hey, Mei?” She said it like a whisper, low, and soft.
Mei didn’t even open her eyes, simply humming, and nodding in response.
“I hope we can stay like this forever.”
She couldn’t possibly voice the way that made her stomach drop. She didn’t have the words to describe the way it made her chest hurt, like someone had reached past her ribs, wrapped a hand around her heart, and started squeezing with all their might.
“Me, too,” and she meant it when she said it. That was all she wanted—to stay like that, just the two of them, until they were old, and gray, and began to wither away. She wanted so much more, though. It made her feel like she was going crazy, like the guilt was going to eat her alive long before ‘forever’ ever came, long before she had the chance to find out if Kiana had ever meant it the same way she did, leaving it as simply a distant fantasy, destined to crumble.
The quiet ensued, after that. What was she supposed to say? Something, surely, but she couldn’t figure out what. Her heart pounded like crazy in her chest, and no amount of measured breathing could get it to calm. It felt the opposite of Kiana’s—slow, and steady, Mei counting each beat, as she rested against her. She felt warm, too, whereas Mei felt cold, practically shivering, siphoning off Kiana’s body heat, and diffusing it beneath her own skin.
If she was braver, if she was more confident, and less scared, more certain, and less anxious, this moment could’ve felt like heaven, but all it did was remind her of what she’d never have. When Kiana slid her arm around Mei’s waist, though, tugging her ever so slightly closer, Mei knew she couldn’t stop herself from ruining everything any longer.
“Kiana?” and she took a deep breath, letting her eyes open just enough to see Kiana already watching her.
“Yeah?”
She took another deep breath. “Um. C- Can I- Or, we… uh.” She couldn’t find the words.
She didn’t think she really needed to, though, not as Kiana eked ever closer, not as her own eyes slipped shut once again, not as she willed her hands to stop shaking, not as she pressed her lips to Kiana’s, and it felt like fireworks going off inside her head. Her lips were so soft, coated with cherry chapstick, and a single scar, and everything just felt right. It felt like this was what it had all been leading up to, what she had been waiting for so very long, like she had finally reached the culmination of a story she had been plotting out in her head since the day they met. It was everything she wanted it to be, and then some, and the only thing she could do when she pulled away was smile.
When she let her eyes open back up, though, all of that warmth, and all of that bliss was replaced by sheer panic.
Kiana was staring right back at her, but her eyes were open wide, and she was slack jawed, clearly bewildered. She didn’t move, didn’t speak, didn’t even blink, stunned completely into stasis. Mei couldn’t read anything on her face past that, and, for as much as she had struggled, for as much as she had hurt, and ached in the past, Mei swore she had never hated herself more than in that exact moment.
Why the fuck did she do that? She ruined it! She ruined it again. Of course Kiana didn’t feel the same; of course she didn’t want to be with her like that. They were friends, and that was it, and Mei was stupid to think otherwise. Why would anyone feel that way for her, anyway? She wouldn’t, if she were somebody else. She’d want nothing to do with herself. She’d run so very, very far away from herself, cordoned off, and quarantined for all her days until she reached the end of her miserable little life, and the only person at her funeral was the coroner.
What the fuck was wrong with her?
Immediately, she scooted away, turning so her legs hung off the edge of the bed, and, despite the way her body screamed at her to return to that warmth, all she could do was apologize. “I- I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I shouldn’t have done that. I’m sorry.”
“Mei, wait- ”Amidst her ramblings, Kiana tried to pull her back in, to stop the snowball from turning into an avalanche, but all it did was make Mei stand up, pacing away. She felt like she was breaking, shattering into a million pieces, and, if she beheld any of that radiance she had so briefly glimpsed, all that was left of her would be ground into a fine dust, and blown away.
Apparently, though, Kiana wasn’t having it. The same arm that had been around Mei’s waist lifted, and the same hand Mei had held so many times in the past was now being used to drag her back into that bed. After flopping back down, Mei wanted to say something, some explanation, or excuse, but, before she could, Kiana was kissing her once again.
Wait.
Kiana was kissing her?
Kiana was kissing her, and there was so much more intent than when Mei had done it. There was so much more passion, and conviction, and Mei could sense it all, but she couldn’t parse through it, couldn’t understand it in the slightest. Why? She thought Kiana would hate her. She thought she’d be disgusted, or think she was weird, or strange, or off-putting, but, instead, all that there was was the taste of that same cherry chapstick, the same bump of the scar on her bottom lip. It didn’t make sense.
Even more surprising was the fact that Kiana seemed to never want to relent, pressing against her, pulling her close, leaving Mei to be the one backing away, breathless, and flushed.
“Kiana-” Mei tried to speak, to say something, anything, but, even then, Kiana persisted.
She pressed Mei flat onto her back, hovering over her, and Mei couldn’t help the way she tensed when she felt Kiana’s tongue against her own. This was a dream, it had to be. There was no other explanation. She was going to wake up soon, ashamed, and embarrassed that her unconscious mind had manufactured a scenario where Kiana was pinning her to her bed, and she’d find herself unable to look at her for days.
When Kiana bit her lip, though, and she yelped into the girl’s mouth, she knew it had to be real, somehow.
Kiana pulled away slowly, panting, looking as flushed as Mei felt, staying close, not wanting to distance herself just yet. Much to Mei’s surprise, she laughed, and it sounded like music to Mei’s ears, and the way she rested her forehead against Mei’s collarbone had her trembling, heart pounding so hard she could practically taste it.
Kiana was quiet for a long time after that, but, when Mei finally tried to speak once again, Kiana didn’t let her, dead set on going first.
“Kiana-”
“I love you, Mei.”
Everything froze, then.
“You what?”
Surely she misheard her. Surely Kiana misspoke. There was no other possible explanation, no other alternative Mei could wrap her head around. Kiana loved her? There wasn’t a chance; she had convinced herself of that long, long ago.
When Kiana looked up at her, though—the look in her eyes so very soft, so very sweet, and wanting—Mei knew it had to be true, even if it didn’t seem real, and it set her heart ablaze.
“I’ve been in love with you for a long time, I think.”
Even still, Mei could hardly breathe. “Since when?”
Kiana took a deep breath, resting her head against Mei once more, steadying herself. Her breath felt so warm against Mei’s skin. “Do you remember the first time you came over? It was back in Nagazora, during those last few months before we left, when your foot was still broken. We had dinner with my family, and I gave you my old DS.”
Mei couldn’t help but smile. “Yeah.”
“Yeah.”
She didn’t know what to say. Kiana had been in love with her for that long? They were already almost in their second year at St. Freya, Mei had already turned sixteen, it’d been almost an entire year. Mei had realized recently, and only had to deal with it for a few months, and she felt like she was going crazy. How was Kiana even sane? And why didn’t she say anything? Granted, Mei hadn’t either, but a year? Even back when Kiana was still getting in fights every day, Mei knew Kiana had a nicer heart than she did, but that?
It felt cruel. It made her feel cruel.
Amidst all her thinking, Kiana continued. “You don’t have to feel the same, though. It’s okay. I’m happy with whatever you want.”
“Kiana.”
Kiana looked back up at her, and, far and away, what Mei found the most striking was how desperate she seemed. It felt like a total role reversal. She was the one that was supposed to feel that way. She was the one that was supposed to worry, and get sick with anxiety, and nerves. She was the one that was supposed to feel helpless, and afraid, and unsure. Kiana was the happy one, the one that made friends, the one that girls flirted with.
It made Mei feel stupid for even worrying in the first place. Of course Kiana liked her—loved her, even. She was Kiana, and Mei was Mei. It had always been them, even if they never said it.
“Why do you think I kissed you in the first place?”
“I- Uh.” Kiana thought about it for a moment. “Got curious? I don’t know.”
“Kiana, I love you, too.”
“You-” and Mei watched as all the joy, and the life, and the radiance returned to Kiana’s face. She was grinning like an idiot when she finally continued. “You do?”
Mei simply nodded, smiling all the same. “I realized when we were baking together.”
“Ah.” Kiana scratched at the back of her neck awkwardly. “I- I really did just wanna cheer you up, but I was kinda hoping something like that would happen. When nothing did, though, I sorta started to lose hope.”
Mei let out a deep sigh. “I’m sorry. I was just scared, I guess, and I didn’t think you’d ever feel the same.”
“It’s okay,” and Kiana’s smile was bigger than ever. “I- Uh…” She trailed off, staring into Mei’s eyes, and Mei figured she knew what was on her mind. “Can we kiss again?”
All Mei could do was nod enthusiastically. “Yeah.”
And they did. And they did again, and again long into the night, long enough that part of Mei was sure she was going to regret it when she had to drag herself to class, but a larger part of her wagered she’d never be able to regret something like that. Not if it was Kiana. And who could blame her, if she fell asleep like that, laying in Kiana’s bed, in Kiana’s arms, head against her chest, drooling, or for kissing Kiana good morning as soon as she woke up?
Mei didn’t think anyone could.
She felt like she was on cloud nine all day, humming to herself, smiling, all the while turning over what had happened in her mind. It was the happiest she had felt in a very, very long time, and she knew there was still too much wrong with her to be comfortable for all that long, but she was content to bask in it, nevertheless. She kissed Kiana when they were back at their dorm that day, too, watching her fiddle with a cable in the back of the tv. She felt like she’d never want to stop, like she’d never grow tired of it, no matter how time passed.
It made Kiana giggle, dropping what she was doing, spinning on the balls of her feet to face Mei. She kissed her back, then, another ‘I love you’ whispered against her lips, and Mei responded in kind, smiling all the while.
Eventually, when Kiana was sitting on her bed, and Mei was sitting next to her once again, Kiana let out a deep, deep sigh, scratching at the back of her head. It made Mei confused.
“What?”
“Oh, it’s nothing. Just-” Kiana leaned back against the headboard. “I think I owe Bronya some money.”
Mei narrowed her eyes at her. “Why?”
“She bet me you’d make the first move. I didn’t ever think that’d happen, so, of course, I took her up on it.”
“You-” Mei was concerned, at first, but, more than anything, she found it funny, breaking into a laugh.
“Hey!” It made Kiana’s face turn red. “Cut me some slack, okay?”
Once Mei stopped laughing, she squeezed Kiana’s hand with her own, resting her head against the girl’s shoulder. “Well, either way, I’m glad I did.”
“Me too.”
They kissed again, after that, and again, and again, until they were second years, and until they had graduated, and long after, too.
Mei understood now, more than ever, what Seele had meant. It felt right. It felt like they were made for each other, like, despite how tumultuous their journey here had been, that that day on the roof, when Kiana asked to have lunch with her, was the most important of her life, and she was happy that life was one she got to spend with Kiana. She was happy she hadn’t died, that she stayed true to herself, despite how much her old classmates berated her for it, that she had come to St. Freya, that she had preserved, that she had gotten to meet that mess of white hair in the first place.
Though there was still work to be done, and goals to be achieved, and new ones to be set, and, though there’d be ups, and downs, and obstacles to overcome, and challenges to be faced, she was happy. They both were.