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Chapter 8

Notes:

Another trigger warning reminder: As part of her healing process, Jenna finally tells Alec what has been done to her, so descriptions of self harm, physical and sexual abuse are in this chapter!

Also, this is the last chapter so thank you all for reading till the end! <3

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Upon returning from the cliffs Jenna insisted that Alec stayed with her while she was sleeping. First he checked in on Daisy, though. She was still awake and upset by the turmoil she'd caused. Alec calmed her down, explained everything and, same as he did before only vice versa, assured her that Jenna was okay. His daughter eventually went back to sleep and Alec carefully knocked on the door to the master bedroom.

Jenna startled again, but then directed Alec on what to do. He suggested to sleep on top of the blanket while she was beneath it and she agreed. That way there wasn't too much accidental body contact during the night.

Jenna felt somewhat trapped if Alec wrapped his arms around her from behind and she also found it hard to breathe when she was angled to his chest. But with him on his back, she could cuddle to him as much as she needed to. Only one arm around her and her head on his chest.

She immediately fell asleep like that.

Alec stayed up. Watching over her. No new nightmares tortured her, not during this or any of the following nights they were sleeping like this.

They had found a new routine that worked.

Still, they all decided unanimously to lock sharp objects away for the time being. Kitchen knives were kept in a special drawer and any shaving razors from the bathroom were locked in a little case. Jenna said she would tell Alec when she felt comfortable enough with knives around, but right now, despite feeling much better, she was still too close to the dark edge of self-hate and, resulting from that, self-harm.

One day after the nightly escape to the clifftops Alec and Jenna had a long conversation about this and he pleaded with her to let him know whenever the voices in her head were getting too loud to cope with. Jenna promised she would.

There was still a long road of healing ahead of them, but they patiently took one step at a time and she was getting better gradually.

Alec soon had to go back to work and had to leave Jenna on her own. She was keeping busy, cleaning the house or going for walks on the beach, but she was always glad when Daisy returned from school so she had someone to talk to.

Jenna was still learning to function in social settings, so, although she was thinking about what she would do for a living, she hasn't acted on it yet. The bookshop where she was employed before checking in to the mental hospital was happy to take her on again and Jenna was considering that as a temporary job. But her real passion, something she had told Alec about on their very first date, was to be a journalist.

She was still a long way away from being comfortable with talking to strangers alone and ask them emphatic, inquisitive questions, but it was a goal she had set for herself in the future. Something Dr. Silva, who she still saw regularly for therapy sessions, strongly suggested she should have.

After a month Jenna was finally settled comfortably into Alec's home, so that she didn't have to search for things anymore and so that she technically would be okay with sleeping alone. But she didn't want to. She felt safe when she could listen to Alec's heartbeat beneath her ear and feel the gentle rise and fall of his chest as he was breathing. His calmness calmed her.

She hadn't had any awful nightmares anymore. If she woke up from bad dreams, she found that having Alec right there to sooth her prevented her from spinning into a panic attack.

Another week on Jenna went along to the police station with Alec. Just to get out of the house for a while. She finally met Ellie and talked to her easily. But then again, Ellie was easy to talk to and quick to love. Her huge smiles made Jenna smile and she asked Alec afterwards if they could invite Ellie over for tea sometime.

But not only with other people Jenna carefully managed to build a relationship. The tender love between her and Alec grew with each passing day. Their closeness and long talks in the evening resulted in even deeper-rooted trust which allowed more casual physical contact that Jenna could take without flinching or shying away.

Nothing too serious. Despite the goodnight kisses they hadn't really locked lips yet. Sometimes she would catch Alec's longing gaze and she understood now what he was longing for. But then he would smile and he would hug her instead. Ellie found it amusing how tactile Alec was with her when he couldn't seem to stand it from other people.

"You know," Jenna started one evening after an unusual quiet dinner. "Dr. Silva suggested something in therapy the other day."

"Has she?" responded Alec curiously. They were in the kitchen, drying the dishes. Daisy was out with Chloe tonight. Jenna had distractedly wiped the towel over a plate for quite some time now. Alec could sense that there was something on her mind, but he didn't push her to tell him.

"Yah. She thought… I might be ready soon... to really talk about w-what happened to me in the past."

Alec frowned. "Hm." he said, his thoughts clearly wandering off to somewhere dark and angry. "Are you?" he then asked.

"I think so, yah. I've been talking about it with Dr. Silva, but she said it would be different to tell someone I really trusted… outside of mandatory therapy sessions. She said it would help me to move on from it and I want that, Alec. I want to move on. I'm done hurting."

Alec dried his hands and came over to take the plate and towel from her. He drew slow circles upon her shoulders. "I get that." he said softly. "But don't feel like you have to rush these things. If… if you want to tell me, or maybe even someone else… ah, I… I mean, I'm here for you to listen. Whenever you're ready."

"I want to tell you." she specified promptly. "I want to tell you now."

"Are you sure?"

"Yes." nodded Jenna decisively. "All of it."

"You don't have to go into detail." assured Alec. "Just as much as you're comfortable with."

"No, I want to. I need to get it out. It's like he's still somewhere inside of me, clawing to me, possessing me." Jenna explained. "I feel as long as I… I carry that story with me, he still has control over me and I don't want that! I'm done feeling… owned… by him."

"Alright." said Alec, squeezing her shoulders and giving her what he hoped was an encouraging smile. "I understand. Let's sit down then, shall we?"

They went into the living room in silence, sitting down next to each other on the couch. Albeit on separate cushions. Alec waited. Jenna was wringing her hands nervously, not looking into his eyes. She opened her mouth a few times, but closed it again, unable to speak. "You really wanna do this?" asked Alec.

"Yes. I… I just don't know where to start?" Jenna said in a small voice, glancing up shyly.

Alec reached over, taking her hands in his. He turned them so Jenna's wrists faced up. A sliver of fair, scarred skin was visible beneath her shirt. "How did you get these?" asked Alec quietly, rubbing gently over her left arm. He knew she had a particular long scar there.

"That was at the end." Jenna answered quickly. "The reason why I ended up in hospital. He…" she paused, bracing herself. "Jack was angry. He threw stuff around. Broke glass. He pushed me and I fell into the shards. Cut myself badly… I almost bled out." she whispered towards the end.

A tear rolled over her cheek, just a single one, as Jenna kept staring ahead lost in thoughts. Alec continued to rub her arm, trying not to lose her to her scary memories. "He can't hurt you anymore." he promised, lifting her arm and bending his head down. Jenna tensed and looked at him before he could make contact. "I'm, ah… I wanted to… give it a kiss." he explained and Jenna relaxed. Alec pressed a soft kiss to the fabric of her long-sleeved shirt, right where he knew the scar was. "You're safe now." he said, straightening again but keeping hold of her hands.

"That's where all of the scars on my forearms came from." Jenna then explained after a pause. "Everything else, he was able to hide. Jack… h-he punched me, g-gave me bruises. And I was sure it was my fault that he was so violent s-so…" More tears started to fall as Jenna talked. "E-Everywhere I bruised… I-I was cutting myself. So everyone would think that it's my own fault that I g-got so many br-bruises."

Jenna started to sob. Alec held onto her arms, holding her upright with a grim, compassionate look on his face. He felt how hot tears burned in his own eyes, but he vowed not to let them fall. Jenna needed him to be strong now.

"When I would pass out… be-before he was d-done with me, he'd wake me with cigarette burns. Mostly on my stomach and chest… where it's easy to hide." Jenna was sucking in some much needed air, but the words were coming now without her being able to stop them. She confessed so much already, but the worst wasn't even out yet. "And… and when he w-would… climb on top of me-" She broke off, shaking and crying even more.

Alec was gently pulling her into his arms, shushing and rocking her. He knew he couldn't close her floodgates now. And despite him fighting it, he was beginning to shed tears, too.

"He would always hold me down, so I couldn't move. He would hold my arms and when I screamed he would punch me." Words tumbled fast, breaths came in quick gasps between stifling sobs. "I-I tried to cut myself there, too, but… but I… I didn't dare. I-I always felt… too dirty afterwards."

Jenna couldn't breathe anymore. She got overwhelmed by tears and pain inside her chest and she had to cry and scream to get it out of her. Clawing to Alec's shirt tightly, so she wouldn't lose touch to reality. Alec tried to console her, but was overwhelmed by his own emotions. Shaking, he stroked over her hair and kissed the top of her head while she was wailing in sorrow.

"Shh, no more, Jenna. No more. It's over." whispered Alec into her ear. "He won't hurt you. He will never touch you again. Not as long as I'm here. You're safe with me, Jenna, I promise. No one's gonna hurt you ever again." he pledged passionately.

Jenna was holding on to him. Crying for quite some time before she could calm down again. But now Alec simply had to know more. "How… How often did he do this?" he asked quietly.

"As often as he wanted to." Jenna answered, flat and exhausted, leaning to his chest and trying to listen to the soothing sound of his heartbeat.

"Did you ever…" Alec broke off and swallowed rage and tears down. "Did it ever result in…" He couldn't finish his sentence but Jenna knew where he was going with it.

"No." she said lowly. "Always counted myself lucky that it didn't happen. I-I feared... he would hurt it, too… if... if I'd gotten…" More tears spilled instead of words and he hugged her tighter, indicating that he understood. "I always showered afterwards. So hot my skin turned red. But… but I still felt dirty. So then I hurt myself again because I'm filthy and broken a-and weak and-"

Her voice broke out in cries so he soothed her again, stroking her hair back and lifting her head so she was looking at him. "No, you're not. You're not, Jenna, you hear me? It's not your fault. None of this."

She gazed at him out of red-rimmed, blotchy eyes. "You're crying." she noticed weakly. "Why are you crying?"

Alec swallowed, fighting to calm down enough to answer her without the tremor in his voice. He smiled brokenly. "Because I love you. And I hate that you had to go through all this pain alone. I wish I could've been there… t-to stop him before he could touch you."

Jenna tried to look away but he wouldn't let her. She wasn't fighting very hard, though. "No. No, don't love me." she mumbled. "Didn't you listen? I'm filthy. He made me filthy."

"Didn't you listen, Jenna?" Alec shot back, gently but stern. "You're not to blame for this. My heart breaks, knowing what he'd done to you, but I still love you all the same."

"No, how could you?" argued Jenna tearfully. "You're only saying this because you pity me. You don't love me really."

"Yes, I do." Alec pressed, holding her face opposite his, wiping the tears from her eyes while his were still running. "You can argue as much as you want, but in the end, I still see you… and you're beautiful and you're strong. Brave and full of passion and kindness." He smiled, wanting to lean in but still holding back. Jenna was crying, but she has stopped arguing at least. Something in his eyes must've told her that he was completely serious.

"I… I really want to kiss you right now." Alec ultimately confessed after all. "To make you see that I mean it, but… I won't, if-if it's still too much for you."

Jenna trembled, eyes clearing and glinting curiously. "Do it." she whispered. Alec looked at her questioningly, but she repeated her plea with conviction. "Kiss me."

So he slowly leaned in.

He touched her softly. Very carefully. Both their eyes closed and the trembling of their bodies stopped. As if someone froze them in time for this moment.

Alec soon pulled back. He wanted to stay, but he feared he would overwhelm her if he'd kiss her like he really wanted to. Still he smiled and Jenna looked utterly flabbergasted.

Moving suddenly, she wrapped both her arms around him and squeezed him to her.

She wasn't saying another word, but as Alec hugged her back he felt that she finally truly believed him. Something shifted into place. Something that needed no words at all.

And he knew that they would be fine.

Eventually.

Notes:

This is where I close this story.

I hope you enjoyed it despite its rough themes. This chapter and the scene in 'Takin' Over The Asylum' between Eddie and Francine are quite similar; it's what ultimately inspired me to write this. I loved how tender it was in the TV show and I hope I could make it feel that way here, too.

Please stay safe wherever you are and look out for one another! Leave a comment to let me know your thoughts!

Oh, and I plan to post something for 'Our Flag Means Death' next, so if you know this lovely show and want to follow me there, I'd be thrilled! :)