Work Text:
Hands wandered over Xie Lian's body. He did his best to stay still, but every now and then, they touched somewhere he didn't realise he was sensitive. His stomach muscles quivered, teeth digging into his lip. His focus was on that touch, on what would happen next. Kisses trailed down Xie Lian's neck to his chest, hands constantly exploring and he was sure this had to be what it was like to go crazy. There was so much anticipation, so much need pooling in his stomach. But, he didn't have it in him to ask for more. What would he even ask for?
Those strong hands brushed along his thighs, slowly spreading Xie Lian’s legs and he opened them with ease, fueled by curiosity, desperately wanting to know what he was going to do next. The kisses were slow, tongue flitting against his skin as he moved lower and lower. Xie Lian felt like he was on fire everywhere they touched. As those soft lips reached just below his navel, Xie Lian's hands instinctively moved to tangle in his hair, determined to keep him there, afraid of losing this feeling. He didn't know why his breaths were so short, why his heart was pounding so hard in his chest. He didn't know why he felt almost unbearably hot, or why that feeling was somehow pleasant.
His eyes fluttered closed as his fingers clenched in Hua Cheng's hair, muttering weakly between shaky breaths, “San Lang…”
“It's okay,” His voice was deep and sultry, dripping with sweetness he saved just for Xie Lian, “I will take good care of you. I promise.”
Xie Lian whimpered, toes curling as he tried to steady himself. He was a mess, so ready for Hua Cheng to just take him, to show him all the pleasures he'd been denying himself. Was it so wrong to want this? To be so ready to give up everything he'd worked so hard on just for a moment's indulgence? His eyes shot open as Hua Cheng's hand moved to his cock and--
He was alone. Xie Lian stared at the ceiling for a long moment, trying to piece everything together. He was in their bed. In Paradise Manor. He was by himself. Of course, he was. Hua Cheng had business to attend to and wouldn't be back for a few days. That was probably for the best, given his current predicament.
Xie Lian sat up and stared down at the mound of blankets between his legs. He was hard, almost painfully so, and he had no idea what to do. He couldn’t touch himself. He wouldn’t. Such a simple act would destroy everything he’d worked for over the many centuries. And the sad thing was, that wasn’t even the biggest reason he wouldn’t do it. More than the shame of these feelings, more than the idea of ruining everything he’d built, he mostly just didn’t want to do it without Hua Cheng. If he was going to destroy everything he created for himself in a moment of selfishness, the least he could do was share it with the man he loved.
The thoughts had been plaguing his mind more and more lately. It was especially in the moments he’d let his mind wander. He’d find himself thinking about touches, about being stripped naked and worshiped in only a way Hua Cheng could. It was never really concrete; what happened in the fantasies. It was like his mind couldn’t piece it together. He hadn’t done any of these things before. He’d never wanted to, never sought the knowledge needed for it. Taking a vow of celibacy meant avoiding these kinds of things. Xie Lian hadn’t exactly wanted to know what he’d need to do to break it. So, the fantasies would end just before anything went too far. But, it didn’t matter. The damage was done. He was horny and confused. He didn’t know exactly how, he just knew that he wanted to be touched and there was something about it that made him feel so uneasy. Like he knew that it wouldn’t be as simple as just letting it happen. You didn’t just break an eight-century-old vow like it was nothing.
Xie Lian needed to talk to someone about it. He’d been putting it off for a long time, mostly because admitting that he was having these thoughts would be so shameful, but he knew that he was getting nowhere and that the thoughts weren’t going away. As much as he knew that Hua Cheng would be so sweet, and so understanding, Xie Lian didn’t want to go to him about it. Not yet. There was this fear in the back of his mind that Hua Cheng would go along with whatever he thought Xie Lian wanted and there were two major faults in that. Not only did he not want to pressure Hua Cheng into anything he wasn’t comfortable with, Xie Lian also hadn’t the faintest clue what it was he actually wanted either. Maybe the fantasies were just a test of his resolve, a reminder that he had made a promise that couldn’t be broken, even if he had fallen in love.
Or maybe it was the chance for a new start.
Xie Lian wasn’t sure what it was he would’ve preferred. There were things he didn’t like about either option. To give up on his vow after all these centuries would mean to lose something, he was sure. But, he didn’t like the thought that if he wanted to keep his vow, he’d never get to share himself with the man he loved. Not completely. And of course, he knew that relationships didn’t necessarily need to reach that level of intimacy, that there were no doubt couples who had what he and Hua Cheng had now and were perfectly happy, but Xie Lian was starting to think that maybe he wanted more. He’d be happy with exactly what they had, but maybe… maybe he’d always feel like he might be missing out on something magical.
Xie Lian sighed and closed his eyes. He did his best to clear his mind. It was the same thing he did every time he found himself like this. To touch would simply be out of the question. Instead, he indulged in some simple meditation, allowing his mind to clear. It was surprising just how well it actually worked. He’d had a lot of practice with it. Maybe that was what it was. Since he'd been practicing meditation for much of his life, it came easily to him. It had been especially helpful recently, with Xie Lian unable to clear his mind without it. Xie Lian knew he had to talk about it with someone, that simply waiting for it to resolve itself clearly wasn't working. But, who was most likely to understand? Who would be able to give him the best advice for this?
When he really thought about it, there was only one person who came to mind. After all, he wasn't sure there was anyone else who had experienced things similarly. It had been a relief when he reached out to the communication array and found that Mu Qing wasn't busy, though he still sounded annoyed, like Xie Lian was interrupting something. He doubted he was. It was more likely that he was inconveniencing him, but that was what friends were for.
Xie Lian looked curiously around the main hall when he entered Mu Qing's palace. After accidentally destroying a palace when he ascended, Xie Lian had been keeping his distance from this one. He'd only been there once before, and Mu Qing had seemed just as uninterested in the visit then as he did now.
“What is it that you wanted to talk to me about?” Mu Qing's voice pulled him from his thoughts. He looked up to see him standing across the room, arms crossed in front of him as he waited for the answer.
“Advice,” Xie Lian offered a small smile he hoped was reassuring, “I thought… you're the closest friend I have who might understand.”
Mu Qing stared at him for a long moment. He looked surprised. Xie Lian wasn't sure why. Once upon a time, Mu Qing had caused him so much pain, but it was long ago. Xie Lian didn't want to hold onto it anymore. Mu Qing had said he wanted to be friends. Xie Lian wanted the same. Was it really that hard to believe?
“Right, of course,” Mu Qing gestured for Xie Lian to follow him, “Perhaps we should find somewhere more comfortable.”
Xie Lian followed Mu Qing further into the palace, taking everything in as he did. Everything seemed so proper, even more purposeful than the other palaces he’d seen. It made perfect sense that it belonged to Mu Qing. He didn’t know any other gods with such specific taste. Mu Qing led Xie Lian into a back room that looked far more comfortable than any of the others. While the other rooms he’d been led through were colder in nature, this one felt warm. This felt almost like it was meant to be reminiscent of Mu Qing’s old home, but more upscale. A comforting reminder of the past.
Xie Lian smiled politely as he stepped into the room, “I’m sorry if I’m interrupting anything, I’m sure you’ve got a lot going on. I’ll try not to keep you long.”
“Not at all,” Mu Qing took a seat in a sofa chair, leaning forward enough to pour some tea from the set that was sitting in the middle of the coffee table in front of him, “Friends… take time to help each other, right? So, what can I help you with, Dianxia?”
Xie Lian took the cue from Mu Qing, sitting on the chair across from him and taking the tea he was offered. It seemed like Mu Qing was still coming to terms with it; the idea that they could be friends after so many years of pain. He tried to figure out the best way to explain his problem. It was a difficult one. He wasn’t sure how to talk to anyone about these feelings. When he set out for advice, it had seemed so simple, but could he really just talk about this with Mu Qing? Would that be weird? No one else would really understand it like Mu Qing would. But it felt like such a shameless topic of discussion. Maybe this wasn’t such a good idea after all.
Looking down at the cup in his hand, Xie Lian took a breath to steady himself. He was there now. There was no turning back. He decided to start slowly, “It’s about San Lang.”
He managed to glance up just in time to catch the end of Mu Qing’s eye-roll and smiled to himself. He should’ve expected that reaction. Mu Qing shifted in his seat, watching Xie Lian curiously, “Did he do something wrong? Because you shouldn’t be with him if he’s making you uncomfortable.”
“No! No, not at all,” Xie Lian chuckled. The very thought that Hua Cheng could do anything to upset him was ridiculous. If anything, Hua Cheng was perhaps a little too doting.
“Are you sure?” Mu Qing raised an eyebrow, not looking at all convinced.
“Positive. San Lang is a perfect gentleman. I couldn’t be happier,” Xie Lian assured.
“Okay,” Mu Qing nodded to himself, still looking as though he didn’t believe a word of it, but he seemed to have decided it wasn’t worth pushing. Maybe he knew it would only upset Xie Lian to hear him speaking ill of the man he loved, “So, what specifically is the issue?”
“Well… I guess… specifically, I was hoping I could talk to you about… abstinence,” He bit his lip as he looked up at Mu Qing, trying to gauge his reaction.
Mu Qing nearly choked on his sip of tea, slamming the cup down onto the table, “What did he do!? Are you okay!?”
Xie Lian hadn’t expected that response. He almost laughed from the sheer chaos of the situation. He’d just said that Hua Cheng was a gentleman. He wouldn’t do anything if Xie Lian wasn’t comfortable with it. All they’d ever done was kiss, hold hands, hold each other. It was all lovely and so romantic. The problem wasn’t Hua Cheng. The problem was his own desires, the ache that was building up inside him so much it felt like he might explode. Hua Cheng wasn’t the problem; Xie Lian was.
“I’m fine. I told you, San Lang is incredibly respectful of my boundaries. I’m not explaining this very well,” Xie Lian rubbed the back of his neck, “I just thought that since you’ve been abstinent for just as long as I have, and well… you’re the only god I know personally that also took this cultivation path… I thought maybe you’d have a similar experience.”
“Experience with what?” Mu Qing blinked a few times, looking at Xie Lian like he was speaking another language, like this was some unsolvable riddle.
“Right,” Xie Lian averted his gaze again, staring back down at the teacup. This was a lot harder than he thought it would be. He just needed to say it. Taking another deep breath, he tried not to think about it too much as he said, “Experience with… temptation.”
“...What?” Xie Lian was reluctant when he looked up, but Mu Qing only looked even more confused than he did when the conversation began, “Temptation?”
“It’s like… sometimes I imagine what it would be like if I didn’t pull away… if San Lang just… kept kissing me, or…” Xie Lian took a shaky breath. This was dangerous territory. He shouldn’t have been allowing himself to think about it again. His grip on the cup tightened as he tried to push those enticing thoughts away, “You’ve been tempted before, right?”
“No,” Mu Qing replied simply, staring at Xie Lian as though he had two heads, so completely perplexed that he could even consider such things.
“Never?”
“Never,” Mu Qing confirmed, “Maybe Hua Cheng is messing with your mind. You’ve been fine without it for eight centuries. Why now?”
Because he hadn’t been in love before now. He hadn’t felt the need to share himself with the person who meant everything to him before. And the funny thing was, he wasn’t even going to Mu Qing to ask for advice to make it stop. He wasn’t entirely sure what advice he was looking for. Maybe he just wanted to be told that it was normal, that it was okay to want. He had hoped that Mu Qing would’ve felt it at least once before. Temptation was everywhere. That’s what they said.
“The only thing he’s done is made me fall for him,” Xie Lian pursed his lips, trying to ignore Mu Qing rolling his eyes again, “I don’t know why I keep feeling like this.”
“It’s normal,” Mu Qing seemed to be trying his best to reassure him, even if he didn’t seem to understand it at all. So much for finding someone who would get it. He seemed to be contemplating his next words very carefully, “Temptation can be difficult. You just need to remember how hard you’ve worked to get to this point. Remember how much you have to lose.”
That was just it. Xie Lian had been thinking about that. The more he thought about what he had to lose, the less of an argument it was. The more he thought about it, the more it seemed like a better option to just let go, let himself indulge, let himself be happy. After this much time, after sacrificing so much, wasn’t he allowed to be happy? Why had he chosen this path? Why had he chosen to deny himself the joys in life? Why had he chosen the path that meant he was stuck fantasising about the man he loved, but never allowed to act on it?
“You’re right,” Xie Lian offered a small smile that didn’t reach his eyes, “It’s worth it, right?”
“Abstinence?” Mu Qing was beginning to look uncomfortable. That wasn’t Xie Lian’s intention. He just thought that Mu Qing would be the one person who could reassure him. He supposed he hadn’t realised before he went there for the advice that what he really wanted to be told was that he was allowed to break his cultivation, that he was allowed after all this time to know what it felt like to share himself with someone. He had heard that there really were people who struggled with this path. He and Mu Qing never had. His struggle only began after meeting Hua Cheng. He had no idea he was capable of wanting quite like this. Mu Qing seemed to notice his uncertainty, “This has been troubling Dianxia for a while… hasn’t it?”
Xie Lian sighed and placed his cup on the table, staring down at his hands in his lap, “It makes me sound very weak when you say it like that.”
“Some people aren’t built for it,” Mu Qing said so bluntly, Xie Lian was almost offended, but Mu Qing kept going, “I think that maybe I’m wired a little differently than everyone else. Everyone talks about sex like it’s some incredible thing that everyone needs to experience in their lives, like we’re missing out because we haven’t,” He scoffed and rolled his eyes. Xie Lian smiled as he kept listening. It seemed like something Mu Qing had been feeling for some time, but hadn’t had anyone to share it with, “It’s not that I feel superior for not having done it, either, you know? No matter what Feng Xin says. It’s just… the most unappealing thing I could ever imagine.”
“That’s okay,” Xie Lian nodded, knowing that it was completely true. Mu Qing had never been interested in anyone, and that was completely fine. It made his cultivation path all the more simple. And it was the same reason Xie Lian had initially chosen the same one. He just hadn’t expected to ever encounter anything that would tempt him, “You don’t have to be like everyone else.”
“I thought maybe Dianxia was wired like me. Maybe you didn’t feel the… urges that everyone else does,” Mu Qing scrunched up his nose as he said it and it was clear he was trying not to say anything too insulting, trying not to sound as judgemental as he probably was beneath the surface, “But, maybe you do. Maybe for you, it’s just a lot more specific. Maybe… Hua Cheng… is the only one that could tempt you.”
Xie Lian felt butterflies in his stomach the moment Mu Qing said it. That’s what it was. No one had ever made him want before. No one had ever been tempting, no one had ever made his mind wander to sins of the flesh. No one, except Hua Cheng. Maybe it was because he felt so strongly for him, but Xie Lian knew that there was always this feeling with him, like they were always connected, like there was always a thread tying them to each other, tugging him closer and closer despite all the warnings.
“I think maybe you’re right,” Xie Lian was smiling to himself, wringing his fingers together nervously, “What should I do?”
“That really depends,” Mu Qing shrugged, “Do you really want to break your cultivation? The centuries you’ve put into it?”
“I…” Xie Lian bit his lip. He hadn’t said out loud what it was he wanted. He’d flipped back and forth between what he wanted to do and what he should do. What was the right thing? But, he’d spent centuries trying to do the right thing, trying to be a good god, trying to be better than the image everyone expected of him. And sometimes he thought maybe it was time he let himself have something, let himself be happy. Was that such a crime? Whenever he thought about sharing himself with Hua Cheng, he never really cared about the cultivation. He just thought about how nice it would be. He just wondered if he would be able to make Hua Cheng happy with his lack of experience. The consequences were always the furthest thing from his mind. And if that was the case, maybe it didn’t matter. Hesitantly, he looked up at Mu Qing and said, “I think I do. I think… if I really want to be with San Lang, if I really want to be completely happy with him, it’s something I need to do.”
“You don’t have to have sex with him to be with him,” Mu Qing pointed out, “You can still be perfectly happy without it.”
“I know,” Xie Lian sighed, “I know and I’m sure we’d be happy as we are right now for the rest of time, but that’s not what I want. I want him. I really, really want him.”
“Ugh I don’t need to hear that,” Mu Qing groaned, “But, I guess you’ve already made up your mind.”
“But, I still don’t know what to do.”
Mu Qing frowned, “Look, if you’re trying to get advice on seducing your boyfriend, that’s something for Pei Ming, not me.”
Xie Lian stared at him for a long moment. Maybe Mu Qing was right. Maybe he was only really coming to Mu Qing to be told that it was okay to let it go. Maybe he really needed Pei Ming’s help. He was sure that going to him would be absolutely awful and that a lot of his advice would be worthless to him, but maybe he’d say something that would point Xie Lian in the right direction. It was better than nothing.
“You’re right,” Xie Lian nodded, “I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
Mu Qing waved dismissively, “I was joking about Pei Ming. That’s a terrible idea.”
“I know,” He chuckled, “Thank you, Mu Qing. Talking to you has made me feel a lot better.”
Mu Qing seemed to attempt to hide his smile, but Xie Lian didn’t miss it as he said, “That’s what friends are for, right?”
It was a truly terrible idea. Xie Lian was fully aware of that even as he attempted to contact Pei Ming, but he appeared to be significantly harder to get a hold of than Mu Qing. It took a couple days to finally pin him down. Though he had his doubts, Ling Wen had confirmed that Pei Ming wasn’t just off having fun, he really had been away on a mission. That was reassuring. He knew that Pei Ming took his role very seriously, he just didn’t feel like he got to see that side of him nearly often enough. He hoped maybe he’d still see that side of him during their talk. If they could keep it as professional as possible, maybe Xie Lian could escape the encounter without his pride completely torn to shreds.
Xie Lian was escorted through Pei Ming’s palace. It was nothing like Mu Qing’s. There was more colour. It still felt regal, felt grand, but it was clear their personalities were completely different. Xie Lian was escorted into a room where Pei Ming was sitting behind a desk, looking oddly similar to Ling Wen sitting among all her scrolls. He had his head down, focused on a map on the desk that Xie Lian immediately recognised. It was one of the areas that had a strong following for Pei Ming. He was moving pieces around it, clearly trying to figure out his moves in whatever battle he was preparing for. Maybe this wasn’t such a great time.
Xie Lian was about to excuse himself and apologise for the intrusion when Pei Ming said, “Imagine my surprise when the crown prince requested an audience with me,” He looked up from the map with a smirk, “I just had to know what he could possibly need.”
“Oh,” Xie Lian started playing with the ends of his hair out of sheer nervousness. If he was anxious about his discussion with Mu Qing, it was nothing compared to how he felt about what he was attempting to talk to Pei Ming about, “I… just wanted to ask for some advice.”
“Advice,” Pei Ming hummed thoughtfully. He leaned back in his chair and lifted his feet onto the corner of the table, avoiding the map as he gestured to the chair across from him, “Perhaps I could use some advice from you, as well. But what could I possibly help you with?”
Moving across the room, Xie Lian dropped into the seat. His gaze fell straight to the map, almost afraid to see the depraved look that was bound to be on Pei Ming’s face when he explained what kind of help he was looking for, “Um, advice about… romance.”
Pei Ming paused for a moment as he stared at Xie Lian. He thought maybe he’d said the wrong thing. Maybe he’d offended him. Pei Ming was a proud warrior. To be asked about something like this would probably be seen as below him. But, everyone knew Pei Ming was a man of many lovers. He couldn’t imagine anyone who would know more about the sins of the flesh than him. But perhaps that wasn’t something he should say out loud.
Finally breaking the silence, Pei Ming laughed out loud, crossing his arms over his chest, “I thought the Ghost King and the Crown Prince were the strongest couple in all the realms. Trouble in Paradise Manor? Already?”
“No!” Xie Lian covered his face with his hands, trying to hide how red he was getting, how flustered he was. He’d done this to himself, of course, but it didn’t make this any easier, “We’re very happy!”
“Good,” Pei Ming nodded to himself. He tilted his head to the side as he watched Xie Lian curiously, “But, there’s obviously something that isn’t working.”
Xie Lian decided it would be easiest to just pretend he was talking to himself. He rested his hands on his thighs, fists clenched, and stared down at them as he said, “I believe… that I would like to… share myself with San Lang…”
There was another long silence. For a moment, Xie Lian really could imagine he’d just said that to himself. There was no response. But of course, he was in a room he’d never seen before. A god was watching him curiously across the table. When he looked up, Pei Ming responded, “And?”
He should’ve expected that. Pei Ming had been with how many women? He’d shared himself with so many. Maybe there was a time when that might have been a bigger deal for him, but it clearly wasn’t anymore. Xie Lian was almost jealous. To have that nonchalance, to be so free with his desires. That was what Xie Lian wished he had. Instead, he was a ball of nerves, constantly thinking about the things that he wanted, but too afraid to take the steps, too unsure of where to even begin.
Xie Lian did his best to maintain eye contact as he said, “And I’m not sure how.”
“Wait,” Pei Ming blinked a few times, seeming to process the information, “You haven’t had sex with him yet?”
“No,” Xie Lian pursed his lips, trying to pretend he wasn’t as flustered as he felt. This was a conversation he never thought he’d have with anyone. Strangely, it made sense that he’d be having it with Pei Ming. Maybe it would’ve been better to talk to Hua Cheng, but he was afraid to be coddled. He wanted real advice. He wanted help knowing exactly what it was he wanted, and he wanted to know how to ask for it.
“Wow. That’s honestly impressive,” Pei Ming drummed his fingers on the table as he thought about it, “Okay. So, what have you done with him? Frottage? Blow jobs? Hand jobs? A little thigh fucking? That’s always fun…” He trailed off as he seemed to go back to the act in his mind.
“Nothing!” Xie Lian waved his hands at Pei Ming, desperately trying to make him stop. He wasn’t sure what most of those things were. He didn’t even know you could have sex with your thighs. That was the problem. He had no experience. He didn’t know what he wanted or what to do about it. Xie Lian groaned as he put his face in his hands again, voice muffled by them, “We just kiss and hold each other.”
Yet another silence filled the room. This one, Xie Lian welcomed. It was a chance to steady his nerves. Surely, that was the worst of it. Surely, it wouldn’t get any more graphic than that. Pei Ming didn’t need to know the details of their relationship. He just wanted advice from someone who had initiated sex before, someone who seemed more confident with it than Xie Lian was. Though, he wasn’t sure there was anyone less confident.
“But,” Pei Ming paused for a moment, seeming to wait for Xie Lian to look at him again. Only when Xie Lian looked back up at him did he finish saying, “It gets hot though, right?”
“What,” Xie Lian dug his fingers into his thighs, trying to keep composed, trying to stop himself from panicking and running away. This was good. Pei Ming wasn’t belittling him. He seemed genuinely curious. He seemed like he really did want to help. He bit his lip, asking, “What do you mean?”
“I mean, they aren’t just innocent kisses,” Pei Ming dropped his feet from the table, shifting his body closer and leaning over the table, giving Xie Lian his full attention, “They get a little bit more heated… right?”
Xie Lian could take himself back to so many different times he’d kissed Hua Cheng. A lot of them were just sweet, innocent kisses that were nothing. But, there were times… there were times when Xie Lian would be pinned down by him, tongues moving together in their desperation, hands roaming each other's bodies in a need to be closer, but neither seemed to know exactly what to do to make it happen. There were other times when he would press Hua Cheng against a wall, unsure of what he wanted, but the feel of Hua Cheng’s hand trailing along his waist as their kisses grew more needy and more desperate left him wanting. He’d pull Hua Cheng closer in those moments, desperate for them to never ever end, but Hua Cheng would pull away. He’d press sweet kisses to his lips or his nose. He’d tell him how much he loved him, and he’d just hold him. It was almost infuriating; how much of a gentleman Hua Cheng was.
“This stays between us,” Xie Lian confirmed and only continued when Pei Ming bowed his head in agreement, “Sometimes, it’s nothing. But, other times, we get so lost in it, I don’t know if we’ll ever stop.”
“And you don’t want it to,” Pei Ming added.
“I thought I did,” Xie Lian bit his lip. He should’ve wanted it to stop. He should’ve had more self-control. But, he couldn’t anymore. It was almost shameful for a god in his position to be having these thoughts. It went against everything he’d done for all these centuries. When he looked back at Pei Ming, there was still no judgment. He smiled shyly as he said, “I’ve never wanted anyone before, but I can’t stop thinking about being with him.”
“There’s nothing wrong with it,” Pei Ming assured, “There are so many things you can do and they all feel incredible. I can only imagine how hot it must be with someone you care so deeply about.”
“You’ve been with people you care for,” Xie Lian frowned. He knew that Pei Ming had been with a number of women over the centuries, but he found it hard to believe he’d never been with anyone he didn’t care for. He’d even cared for Xuan Ji at one point.
“I care for all my lovers,” Pei Ming agreed, “But, not the way you care for Crimson Rain Sought Flower. I’ve seen the way you look at each other. I cannot even begin to imagine that kind of devotion. Or what it would feel like to fuck someone I feel that strongly for.”
Xie Lian was blushing again, thinking about Hua Cheng, about all the times he’d caught him staring at him with the fondest look in his eye. Pei Ming was right. He was lucky. For a man who had spent his entire life being unlucky, finding someone who loved him like Hua Cheng did still felt like more luck than he’d ever deserved. He’d never thought about what kind of effect that could have on intimacy, though. He’d never thought about sharing himself with someone enough for it to matter before. But, he liked the idea that sharing himself with a man he knew he loved more than any other would be better than anyone else. It made sense. Xie Lian had waited all this time. If he was going to give up his cultivation, it would be for someone who meant everything to him.
“But, I don’t know what to do,” Xie Lian said, explaining the real reason he’d come for advice.
“It depends on what you want to do,” Pei Ming shrugged, “What are you hoping to get out of this?”
“I don’t know,” Xie Lian admitted.
“Well, you think about it, right?” Pei Ming waited for Xie Lian to nod his confirmation, “What do you imagine?”
“It always cuts off before we do anything,” Xie Lian bit his lip, “It’s like… I don’t know what we could do, so I just imagine everything right up until that point.”
“Strange,” Pei Ming hummed thoughtfully, “Well, there’s still a few things you could do. But to me, it sounds like you need to seduce him.”
“Seduce him?” Xie Lian’s grip on his thighs tightened. He was not a sexy person. He never had been. That simply was not who he was. It didn’t make any sense for him to attempt to seduce anyone. What were you even supposed to do to seduce someone?
“Yeah,” Pei Ming smirked, “There are a lot of subtle things you could try. And some not-so-subtle things. Like… biting your lip and looking him up and down,” Pei Ming did just that to Xie Lian, showing him what he meant, “You try.”
“Oh. I don’t know,” Xie Lian looked away. It was so cheesy. And it made him uneasy when Pei Ming did it to him, even knowing that it meant nothing, that it was nothing more than a demonstration. He wasn’t sure if it would give Hua Cheng that same uneasy feeling.
“You have to be comfortable to try these things,” Pei Ming pointed out, “If you’re not, then you might not be ready to take things further.”
“I am,” Xie Lian responded sternly. He hadn’t expected it from himself. He’d been so uncertain for so long, but in the moment, reflexively, he felt so sure. Reluctantly, Xie Lian bit his lip and looked Pei Ming up and down. It felt so wrong. He wasn’t sure what look he was supposed to be giving him, he only knew that this didn’t feel like something he would ever do. Not consciously.
“Not bad. Try to look less like you’re going to blow chunks when you do it to Hua Cheng, though,” Pei Ming chuckled, “Does he ever talk to you in a lower tone? When the kisses get more heated?”
Xie Lian blushed, “Sometimes…”
“Do you like it?” Pei Ming tilted his head to the side.
Xie Lian was starting to wonder how much of this was genuine help and how much Pei Ming simply wanted the gossip about their relationship. But, it was the only help he could find. He shifted uncomfortably in the seat, staring at his hands in his lap, “It makes me feel like I’m making him feel good. Sometimes it feels kind of… possessive. I do, I like it.”
“I bet he likes it, too. You should try it on him,” Pei Ming shrugged, “And if you're really desperate, maybe you should surprise him.”
“Surprise him?” Xie Lian looked back at Pei Ming curiously. Hua Cheng was always surprising him. To be able to return the favour would be wonderful. He just wasn’t sure exactly how he could go about something like that.
“Depends what kinda thing he’s into,” Pei Ming hummed thoughtfully. He tilted his head to the side, looking uncertain as he asked, “I don’t suppose you know what kind of kinks he has?”
Xie Lian froze. He couldn’t believe he was actually talking about this. With anyone. Hua Cheng wouldn’t want him to share things like this. He had just wanted some advice, not to share the deepest details of their relationship. Besides, he hadn’t ever talked to Hua Cheng about this. They’d never gotten deep enough into anything for him to catch onto any potential things he liked more than others.
Xie Lian shook his head, “I don’t know.”
“That’s okay, you could try something less catered,” Pei Ming shrugged, “You’re not against wearing lingerie, right? You’ve dressed as a woman for missions before.”
“What?” Xie Lian squeaked. He didn’t even know where to get lingerie, or how he was supposed to fit into it. This was becoming more and more complicated than he’d expected.
“Or better yet, just get naked. Hua Cheng couldn’t possibly mistake your intentions,” Pei Ming grinned to himself like he was so proud of the ideas he was putting forward.
It wasn’t that they were bad ideas. It was just that they didn’t really feel like something he would do. But, maybe that was the problem that had landed him in his current situation. Maybe he hadn’t been able to broach the topic to Hua Cheng because he was trying to do it his way. Maybe he needed to be bold, to do things he wouldn’t normally do. That one seemed so simple, too. He could wait for Hua Cheng to come home, naked on their bed. If Hua Cheng didn’t want him after that, maybe he just didn’t want him. Which would be fine. But, it was worth a try.
“That seems… doable,” Xie Lian bit his lip, thinking about the scenario in his head. The problem was that he would have to say something. He couldn’t just be there naked and expect everything to work out. He wrung his fingers together nervously, staring down at his hands as he asked, “What should I say? Do I just…wait for him to say something first?”
“You could,” Pei Ming was still grinning, “Okay, I need you to pay close attention and remember these lines, they are sure to get you exactly what you’re looking for.”
Xie Lian shuffled forward in his seat, watching Pei Ming closely. If Pei Ming had certain things he could say that would work so easily, he was more than willing to learn them. It made sense that he would. Even though he’d never really known Pei Ming to be a particularly witty person, he had to have tricks that helped him court so many people. It only made sense that some of it was using words.
“If he sees you there, naked, and he’s confused, you say, ‘I bought some new robes and wanted to show you how I look without them on.’” Xie Lian stared at him, even more confused than he was to begin with. It sounded ridiculous. It sounded nothing like anything he would ever say. It sounded like someone who was trying far too hard. But, he supposed in a way, the very fact that he was there, seeking advice, meant that he was trying too hard. Pei Ming didn’t stop there, adding, “You could also say, ‘Your face is a work of art, and I want to frame it with my legs.’”
Xie Lian closed his eyes and clenched his fists in his lap. It was one of the most absurd things he’d ever heard and Pei Ming had said it with such delight. Did people really talk like that? Were these really things that people said when they were courting? Because he and Hua Cheng had been courting for a while, and there had never been any of this. It had always been sweet and genuine, there was never any of these ulterior motives behind it. They’d always been so upfront with each other. Was sex really meant to be this difficult?
“I appreciate the suggestions, General Pei. This isn’t really…”
“You’re into the softer stuff? I suppose you could take it slower,” He nodded thoughtfully. Slower didn’t seem to be Pei Ming’s way, but he was at least kind enough to try, “How about… you could tell him his lips look lonely and he should introduce them to yours…?”
That one was actually kind of cute. He could imagine Hua Cheng laughing at that, telling him he was ridiculous, but kissing him anyway. It could be a nice way to smoothly transition into something more. After all, that was usually how it went. They’d get so caught up in kissing each other, their hands would roam and Xie Lian would get so turned on, only for Hua Cheng to pull away, to be a perfect gentleman. Maybe if he was naked, if they were kissing like that, he could encourage Hua Cheng not to stop.
“That might work,” Xie Lian nodded. He wasn’t sure how much more of the conversation he could take. This was a lot more embarrassing than he expected. And he really should’ve expected it, “You’ve given me a lot to think about. Thank you.”
“Just let me know how it goes,” Pei Ming smirked when Xie Lian looked back at him, “I’m kidding. Unless you want to tell me, then I’m all ears.”
“I think I’ve already told you far too much,” Xie Lian stood up from his seat. He went to leave but stopped himself. He hadn’t returned the favour. That was the least he could do. Pei Ming said he might also need advice and Xie Lian already knew what it was about. He turned back to the desk and started moving some of the figures slowly around the map, ensuring Pei Ming could follow what he was doing. Once he was satisfied, he smiled and said, “That should help.”
“That’s genius,” Pei Ming stared at the new formation of the figures, tilting his head to the side as he seemed to process exactly what it meant for him, “A little more cunning than my usual plans. They won’t see it coming.”
“Glad I could be of assistance,” Xie Lian bowed his head, finally making his way out of the palace and back to Paradise Manor.
Xie Lian had a lot to think about, and there was less and less time before Hua Chen would be home. Having to wait for a chance to talk to Pei Ming had left him with such little time to prepare anything. And he had been planning to prepare something grand to welcome Hua Cheng home. He just hadn’t expected Pei Ming’s ideas to be so simple. Xie Lian wasn’t so sure about the lingerie. Maybe that was something they could try further down the line when he was a little bit more confident about this kind of thing. For now, he wanted to stick with simple. He didn’t need much. He just wanted Hua Cheng to know what he was feeling, and he prayed Hua Cheng felt similarly. He didn’t have to, of course. Xie Lian just didn’t want to make him uncomfortable.
Hua Cheng could’ve come home at any time. So, Xie Lian did his best to prepare himself. That mostly meant taking his clothes off and making their room look as inviting as he possibly could. Once he was satisfied, all he could really do was wait. It might not even be that Hua Cheng would get back that night. It could be another day. Maybe two. But, Xie Lian felt like he had to be prepared, he had to be ready for the moment Hua Cheng arrived. So, he lay in the middle of their bed atop the blankets, completely exposed and unsure of what exactly he should do with himself. The anticipation was what was sure to do him in. It left him thinking about the possibilities and when he thought about the possibilities, it took no time at all for him to grow hard, a feeling that he was learning to welcome, but that he needed to avoid until Hua Cheng was back.
Until then, there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t touch himself, couldn’t relieve that pressure he felt building up inside him as he thought about Hua Cheng touching him so gently, but with such urgency. Because they’d both been denying themselves for so long. Gods, that was all he wanted. He wanted the man he loved to come home, to take him, to know what it felt like to share himself with someone. Was he really asking for so much? Xie Lian’s fingers dug into the sheets as he tried to control himself. He was getting himself excited for something that might not happen. This wouldn’t do at all. This wasn’t what Hua Cheng wanted to come home to.
“Are you home?” He heard Hua Cheng’s voice in the communication array and a shot of arousal raced through him in a way he hadn’t expected.
It was that voice. That soft, soothing voice that always took such good care of him. That voice that he hadn’t realised just how badly he missed while Hua Cheng had been gone. There was a deepness to it, but more than anything, Xie Lian could hear a fondness. He smiled, staring up at the ceiling for a moment, “I’m home. Just laying in our bed.”
“Did I wake you?” Suddenly, the fondness was replaced with concern.
Xie Lian chuckled and shook his head though he knew Hua Cheng couldn’t see it, “No, I was just relaxing.”
“You deserve it. You work so hard,” Hua Cheng’s voice in his mind did things to him. It was that it felt like it was part of him, it was inside of his mind. When he closed his eyes and listened to it, it was like Hua Cheng was all around him, making sure he was happy, “I’ll be right there.”
A shiver ran up Xie Lian’s spine and he jolted up on the bed, knowing he had no time. When Hua Cheng said he’d be right there, he meant that he was seconds away. Xie Lian had grown accustomed to it. Looking around the bed, Xie Lian wasn’t sure if he should remove any of the wrinkles that had been made by him lying on it. He looked down at himself and knew he didn’t have any time for shame. There was no time to get dressed. No time to change his mind. Instead, Xie Lian shifted onto his knees, settling himself comfortably on the bed. He brushed a hand through his hair, making sure it was sitting properly, and watched the bedroom door with bated breath.
Xie Lian’s heart raced when the door opened. All he could do was smile at the perfect man in front of him, watching as his eye went wide staring back at him. It was confusion, that much was clear. Hua Cheng didn’t really blush. It wasn’t what he did. But, a few butterflies fluttered from his shoulders, like he couldn’t help it, like the sight of him there like that had forced them out. He said nothing. Xie Lian had really hoped he would. It would make it so much easier if he did.
“Hi,” Xie Lian tried. He tilted his head to one side, his hair cascading down over his shoulder as he did, “I missed you.”
“I…I missed… you too,” Hua Cheng took a step into the room and closed the door behind him, seeming to at least have considered not allowing anyone else to see Xie Lian like this. How considerate, “What’s going on?”
Xie Lian bit his lip and averted his gaze. This wasn’t working. Or maybe it was, he couldn’t really tell. Part of him had hoped that seeing him like that would’ve had Hua Cheng at his side in an instant. Deep down, he knew he probably would’ve already had Hua Cheng holding him close if he had just stayed in his robes. He would’ve been less confused. So, he decided the only option was the lines Pei Ming had given him. Taking a shaky breath, Xie Lian said, “I um… I got a new robe. So, I thought maybe… San Lang might like to see me in it-- uh not in it!” He looked up at Hua Cheng again, trying to fix it. He’d messed it up. The nerves had gotten to him, but he could still fix it, “I mean, I wanted to show you what I look like without it on.”
Hua Cheng nodded hesitantly, eye scanning Xie Lian’s body for a moment, but it wasn’t in the way he’d hoped for. He just looked concerned, “Are you feeling okay?”
“I’m good, you're here,” Xie Lian smiled, and he meant it. Having Hua Cheng there after a few days apart was so nice. He just wanted him closer. It was a shame he seemed so hesitant to get near.
“You're behaving a little… differently than usual,” Hua Cheng noted, still not moving.
He was firmly in place just in front of the door, staring at Xie Lian. It was such a respectful gaze, too. His eyes never dipped below Xie Lian’s shoulders, like he was trying desperately not to look beyond that point. Xie Lian wanted to tempt him. He wanted Hua Cheng to be unable to resist. This wasn't working.
“I-I um… you're just… so handsome… I want to frame you,” Xie Lian thought for a long moment. That wasn't quite right either. He was bright red, staring at the blankets in front of him, “With my legs! I want to frame you with my legs. Your face.”
Hua Cheng's eye narrowed as he watched him curiously, “Something’s wrong.”
“What?”
“I don't know. This isn't my gege. Do you have a fever? Did something happen while I was away?” Hua Cheng was finally moving a little closer but seemed tentative.
“No, nothing happened. It's just me,” Xie Lian bit his lip, trying not to feel as dejected as he did. Pei Ming had seemed so convinced this would work.
“Then, why are you saying these things? Why are you undressed? Why do you look so flushed?” Hua Cheng still seemed concerned, like he desperately needed the answer to know what he was supposed to do to help.
“I'm trying to seduce you!” Xie Lian covered his face with his hands, feeling the shame really sink in, “I… I want… I thought maybe you might want… it's okay if you're not attracted to me like that, you don't have to be.”
“Of course, I am,” Hua Cheng replied simply. When Xie Lian dared to look up from his hands, Hua Cheng was stepping closer, saying softly, “You have always been so tempting. But, this… isn't you.”
“I know,” Xie Lian sighed, “But, I didn't know what else to do.”
“Who told you to do this?” Hua Cheng asked as he sat on the bed beside him.
“...General Pei,” Xie Lian whispered, feeling more and more mortified by the second.
Hua Cheng scrunched up his nose, looking utterly disgusted, “Yeah, that makes sense. No class at all,” He reached for Xie Lian's hand, gently squeezing, “I don't want Pei Ming, I want you.”
“But, he knows how to seduce people…” Xie Lian tried to explain his reasoning.
“You seduce me every day. With your smiles, with your strength,” Hua Cheng shifted closer and pressed a kiss to Xie Lian’s bare shoulder, “You have no idea how badly I want you sometimes.”
Xie Lian shivered, biting his lip. There were butterflies in his stomach. How did Hua Cheng always manage to do this to him so easily? He rested their heads together and asked, “Then, why do you always pull away?”
“Because your cultivation is more important than my selfish desires,” He cupped Xie Lian's face in his hand, thumb rubbing soothingly over his cheek, “You've worked too hard for me to ruin it.”
“But, I want you to,” Hua Cheng looked shocked, but Xie Lian kept talking. He needed to get it off his chest, “I keep thinking about you touching me, and I don't care anymore. I don't care if I have to find a new cultivation path. I've lived centuries with barely any power because of the shackles, it wouldn't be much different. I just want to share myself with the man I love.”
“I don't know what happens when you break your path after so long,” Hua Cheng admitted.
Neither did Xie Lian. He'd tried to find information on it, but it seemed like when as much time passed as it had for Xie Lian, gods tended to stick with it. He smiled reassuringly, “I don't know, either. But, I want you.”
“I don't want to hurt you,” Hua Cheng averted his gaze.
Pain hadn't ever been a thought for Xie Lian. Would breaking his cultivation be painful? He thought maybe he'd just be a little less powerful. That would be all. He hadn't thought about the possibility of pain. But, Xie Lian had experienced enough pain for countless lifetimes. Even if this did hurt, it wouldn't be anything he hadn't already felt. Besides, it would be worth it. He had no idea what he was supposed to expect from sharing himself with Hua Cheng, but he knew it would be worth it.
“It's okay. I trust you,” Xie Lian smiled and nudged their noses together, trying to lighten the mood when he said, “My lips are lonely…”
Hua Cheng chuckled, “I don't hate that one.”
The kiss was gentle. But, Xie Lian was quickly shifting closer, wanting more. It wasn’t even that he’d been so desperate to touch Hua Cheng. He’d just missed him. He’d been away for far too long, all he had been thinking about was being with him. It didn’t matter how, it didn’t matter if this was all it was. He just wanted him. Hua Cheng’s lips were always so soft and welcoming. It was impossible not to want this, not to crave him. As Hua Cheng tilted his head and dragged his tongue gracefully along the seam of Xie Lian’s lips, he crumbled instantly. A soft whine left his lips as they parted and Xie Lian wasn’t thinking. He just moved closer, shuffling further and further in Hua Cheng’s direction until he was settled in his lap. His arms wrapped around his neck and Xie Lian chased every kiss, wanting nothing more than to keep feeling Hua Cheng’s tongue against his own, to make him feel just how happy he made him.
Xie Lian wasn’t sure how long they’d been like that. They’d certainly gotten lost in each other’s lips a few times before. He almost cried when Hua Cheng pulled away, whispering into the space between them, “I don’t want to have sex.”
“Oh,” Xie Lian tried not to sound disappointed. He had thought that was what they’d been talking about, that they did want that. Was he still concerned about his cultivation? Because Xie Lian had thought he’d made it clear that he was more than willing to give it up.
“Not yet,” Hua Cheng grinned, seeming to catch Xie Lian’s reaction. He rested a hand under Xie Lian’s chin, tilting his head up to brush their lips together, and murmured gently against them, “I want to save that for when we get married.”
Xie Lian felt those butterflies in his stomach again. It wasn’t the first time Hua Cheng had mentioned marriage, but it always made him feel so many things when he did. He’d never had himself pegged for the type to get married, but not being married to Hua Cheng was torture. Especially when he was making promises like that. Xie Lian dragged his fingers into Hua Cheng’s hair and asked between kisses, “How soon can we do that?”
Hua Cheng laughed, “You’re that desperate?”
“No,” Xie Lian pouted. Maybe it was partly because he’d been craving the love of his life, craving the feeling of completely giving himself over, but it was more than that, “I just want to marry you.”
Hua Cheng let out a content sigh and brushed a hand along Xie Lian’s waist, “Mm you really are a master of seduction.”
He had forgotten just how completely naked he was until he felt Hua Cheng’s hand brush against his bare skin like that. It felt nice. It wasn’t as hot as he imagined it to be. That made sense, though. He was a ghost. He wasn’t hot. But, he still made Xie Lian feel hot beneath the surface. It was like Hua Cheng set those fires beneath his skin and soothed them at the same time. There was something so reassuring about it.
“We don’t have to have sex,” Xie Lian assured. He let his fingers scratch gently along Hua Cheng’s scalp and smiled fondly as he seemed to melt under the touch, “But… we can still do other things…”
Hua Cheng chuckled, “You have to be sure. There’s no going back. Your cultivation…”
“Fuck my cultivation,” Xie Lian said with more conviction than he expected. He was so tired of hearing about it, so tired of it being the excuse not to do what he wanted. Was it really such a commendable thing to deny himself? It wasn’t fair. He had gone through more than enough in his life and had sacrificed plenty. This was what he wanted now. A little power wasn’t going to be enough to stop him.
He hadn’t expected Hua Cheng to moan when he said it, hadn’t expected to be suddenly pinned to the bed, for his body to be covered by the man he loved. He took a shaky breath as Hua Cheng’s teeth grazed along his neck, whining when he said, “That was so sexy…”
This had been in Xie Lian’s fantasies a few times, but it was a lot better when it was real. His imagination really didn’t do it justice. He didn’t know how wonderful it could feel to have Hua Cheng pressing him down, so strong but so gentle, so much love in his touches, but that underlying possessiveness leaving Xie Lian aching for him.
“Is this what gege likes?” Hua Cheng asked with genuine curiosity.
“I-I don’t know,” Xie Lian admitted. When he looked up, Hua Cheng was watching him with such fondness. He blushed, averting his gaze, “You should just do what you want.”
“No,” Hua Cheng’s finger brushed under his chin, ensuring Xie Lian was looking at him as he said, “I want to know all the things that my beloved enjoys. How else can I please him? It’s okay if you don’t know. I don’t know, either. We can figure it out together.”
Xie Lian bit his lip, staring back into that perfect eye. Hua Cheng was unbearably sweet, and so genuinely devoted. Xie Lian hadn’t expected such a thing to make him want him even more, but it did. There was nothing more attractive than this. No one in all the realms would ever care for him like this. No one ever could. Hua Cheng was so special. Reaching up, Xie Lian brushed a hand against Hua Cheng’s cheek and pulled him closer, “I love you.”
“I love you,” Hua Cheng smiled fondly. He leaned forward just enough to delicately nip Xie Lian’s lip. It was the softest of teases, but Xie Lian just found it endearing. He chuckled as he watched Hua Cheng sit up. He couldn’t look away as Hua Cheng started to undress, his gaze never leaving Xie Lian’s, “It’s only fair I take some of this off. I wouldn’t want you to feel self-conscious.”
Surprisingly, he didn’t. Not really. But, he wasn’t about to stop Hua Cheng. Xie Lian watched as the robes were stripped away, watched as more and more skin was revealed. His mouth felt so dry as he did. His muscles were so perfectly sculpted. Just enough, not too much. Enough that Xie Lian could admire them, but he still looked soft. Xie Lian loved it. His body was so perfect. Finally, Hua Cheng was shifting up to drag the last of his clothes from his body and Xie Lian wasn’t prepared for it. He wasn’t prepared to see Hua Cheng already so hard and wasn't ready for the realisation that this was really happening. He was really getting exactly what he’d been craving for all this time. He felt like his whole body was burning as he blushed, unable to stop himself from looking Hua Cheng up and down. He really should stop. Hua Cheng wasn’t some piece of meat for him to objectify. But gods, he was the most gorgeous thing he’d ever seen.
Hua Cheng shifted in his lap, gently draping himself over Xie Lian again. He rested their heads together and murmured, “It’s okay, we really don’t have to do anything.”
“No, I want to,” Xie Lian reached out, though he wasn’t entirely sure what to do with his hands. What were you supposed to do in these situations? He ended up settling for resting his palm on Hua Cheng’s chest, “I-I just… I’ve never seen you like this.”
“Is that bad?” Hua Cheng seemed torn. He had moved closer, enough that his lips were so close but never quite touching, skimming along his jaw to his lips. Like he wanted to touch, but wasn’t sure if he should, like he needed to be told it was okay.
“No,” Xie Lian brushed the pad of his thumb against Hua Cheng’s chest, smiling fondly. He liked this side of him. It wasn’t much different from the way they always were when they were together. It just felt more vulnerable in a way that Xie Lian thought he might get addicted to. Knowing he could be like this with Hua Cheng was already an intoxicating feeling, but it was even better knowing that Hua Cheng was just as willing to expose himself and all his insecurities like this. Xie Lian took advantage of Hua Cheng’s parted lips, tilting his head to swipe his tongue delicately between them for the briefest of moments and chuckling when Hua Cheng looked so surprised, “You're so tempting, I want you closer.”
Hua Cheng rested their heads together and cradled Xie Lian’s jaw in his hand, holding him there like he was something so precious as he whispered, “You don’t know what you do to me…”
“Tell me,” Xie Lian urged. He wanted to know. He needed to know that he wasn’t the only one feeling these things. Sometimes Xie Lian felt so selfish, wanting Hua Cheng so badly, not even knowing exactly what it was he wanted, only that if he didn’t get it, it felt like he might die. Knowing Hua Cheng might have felt similar things made it feel so much better, knowing that he wasn’t the only one completely consumed by these feelings he’d never had before. Xie Lian felt like he was begging when he said, “Show me.”
Hua Cheng’s lips were on his in an instant, completely ravenous. Xie Lian couldn’t suppress his moan as Hua Cheng’s tongue desperately sought out his own, exploring and dragging together in such a seductive way, that Xie Lian thought he might explode. It was the way Hua Cheng kissed him. Like the world would collapse if they dared stop, like every brush of lips against lips was the only thing keeping him going. When he did finally pull away, Xie Lian wasn’t sure how to focus on anything else. He wasn’t sure what to do with his body, only that it felt hot and there was this need for Hua Cheng’s hands, for them to be everywhere all at once.
Xie Lian ran a hand along Hua Cheng’s back, keeping him close as he asked, “What should we do?”
“I don’t know. This is new for me, too,” Hua Cheng chuckled. He brushed a hand along Xie Lian’s chest, brushing his thumb hesitantly over his nipple. Xie Lian took a sharp breath as he did, not expecting the jolt of pleasure that came from it. Hua Cheng didn’t stop. He smiled to himself and slowly rubbed his thumb in delicate circles over the nub, watching Xie Lian curiously as he said, “I read that this feels good. Is that true?”
Xie Lian whimpered and arched his back into the touch. It did. It felt really good. He wasn’t sure why something so simple felt so good, but he hated the thought that it would ever stop. He focused on that rhythmic feeling, soft gasps leaving him every time Hua Cheng pressed just a little harder, “Y-You read that?”
“I had a lot of time and I needed to make sure I knew some things that could please gege. Just in case,” Hua Cheng explained and gently pinched Xie Lian’s nipple between his fingers.
“Hah…” Xie Lian would’ve been completely ashamed of the sounds he was making, but he couldn’t think straight with Hua Cheng doing that. They’d barely even done anything and Hua Cheng was making him feel so much, “What else… what else did you learn…?”
Hua Cheng grinned and confessed, “Many things, but I’m not sure how to do them all.”
“We’ll learn together,” Xie Lian assured.
“You're so good to me,” Hua Cheng hummed happily.
He took his hand away and Xie Lian would’ve been disappointed, but suddenly he felt a tongue replace it. Xie Lian’s eyes fluttered closed and he only hoped his moans weren’t too loud. He was so delicate with it, flicking his tongue against the sensitive nub over and over, testing the waters. Xie Lian didn’t know there was anything that could feel like that. He felt hot all over, his body felt like it was doing things all on its own; clinging to the bed sheets, back arching, begging between gentle moans for Hua Cheng to never ever stop. How did something so simple leave him such a mess?
Hua Chen giggled as he pulled away, “You really like that, huh?”
The moment he stopped, Xie Lian was able to collect himself and put the pieces back together. He unfurled his fingers from the blankets, breath ragged as he attempted to calm himself down. His whole body felt so hot, and it wasn’t going away. But just like his fantasies, it wasn’t an unpleasant feeling. He could see himself loving this feeling, craving it. But, it wasn’t fair that Hua Cheng was making him feel all these things alone. Xie Lian tangled their legs together and used the leverage to flip them, pinning Hua Cheng down. It was worth it for the look of complete awe on his face.
“San Lang is teasing me,” Xie Lian pouted, but it didn’t last long. Hua Cheng’s smile was so infectious, he was quickly melting.
Hua Cheng tilted his head to the side and smirked, “You wanted me to touch you.”
Xie Lian shifted down Hua Cheng’s body and carefully dragged his tongue over Hua Cheng’s nipple. He wasn’t entirely sure how he had done it, how he had made it such an overwhelming feeling, but he wanted to make Hua Cheng feel it, too. At first, there wasn’t much reaction. Hua Cheng shifted beneath him and let out a content sigh, but he wasn’t reacting like Xie Lian had. Maybe he wasn’t doing it right. But, he wasn’t sure how to make it more intense, more enjoyable. He thought about all the things Hua Cheng did to make things feel better for him. Surely something had to work. He closed his mouth over the nub, sucking gently and curling his tongue over the sensitive spot over and over, hoping he’d get a reaction. Hua Cheng was shifting beneath him again, a comforting hand dragging slowly up Xie Lian’s back, encouraging him. He could hear Hua Cheng breathing a little harder and Xie Lian smirked. Hua Cheng didn’t need to breathe, so he had to have been doing something to him.
It was as Xie Lian grazed his teeth so delicately over his nipple that Hua Cheng finally couldn’t contain his groans, murmuring under his breath, “Fuck, gege…”
Xie Lian sat up in his lap, admiring how wrecked Hua Cheng already looked. He’d been holding it together well, keeping the sounds to himself, but he was disheveled. He took in every inch of Hua Cheng and the longer he looked, the more curious he got. There were still so many things to try. He bit his lip as he watched him and gently brushed a hand over his thigh, “Can I… I want to…”
“Anything,” Hua Cheng smiled reassuringly, “You can do anything you want to me.”
“Anything?” Xie Lian raised an eyebrow. There were plenty of things he’d love to do to Hua Cheng, but he wasn’t entirely sure where to begin. There were lots of words he knew that sounded kinda fun, but he didn’t know what they meant. What he did know was that he wanted to touch. He wanted to know what these things felt like, and it was almost like a way to learn by doing it to Hua Cheng. Then maybe Hua Cheng could do it to him to really show him how it felt.
“I trust you,” Hua Cheng mirrored his earlier words with a sincere smile, “I want to know what these things feel like, too.”
To ease his nerves, Xie Lian was leaning closer, kissing him gently, allowing himself to fall into a feeling he’d had so many times before. As much as he wanted, he needed that feeling of normalcy, he needed to come back to these little moments that they always had. It made it feel so much easier. But as their kisses grew more and more heated, Xie Lian felt more bold, more ready to try. Xie Lian felt Hua Cheng’s breath catch as his hand gently wrapped around the base of his cock, completely uncertain of what exactly he should do.
“Is that okay?” Xie Lian didn’t move, afraid he might do something wrong. But, Hua Cheng didn’t look like he wasn’t enjoying it, just that he hadn’t expected it. Everything they’d been doing, everything that caused any great degree of pleasure had involved friction. So, Xie Lian kept his hand around Hua Cheng’s cock and slowly dragged it from the base to the head and back again, watching as Hua Cheng’s eye fluttered closed, “Should I stop?”
“No, don’t stop,” Hua Cheng tangled his fingers in Xie Lian’s hair, keeping him close as he slowly rocked his hips in and out of Xie Lian’s hand. The feel of his cock moving between Xie Lian’s fingers was so unexpectedly sexy. The moan that left Hua Cheng was so guttural, Xie Lian couldn’t breathe for a moment, so completely lost in the way Hua Cheng moved, the sounds he made, how desperate he seemed to be to keep him close, “I didn’t know it would feel like this…”
“Like what?” Xie Lian asked curiously. There were so many things he wanted to know. It was special just watching Hua Cheng react to it, though. It was testing the waters, but more than that, he was able to slowly learn exactly what it was that Hua Cheng really liked.
“Hard to explain,” Hua Cheng took Xie Lian’s cock in his free hand and began a slow pace of gentle strokes, “I’ll show you.”
Xie Lian felt so overwhelmed. It was a feeling he hadn’t felt before, and it wasn’t that it had him completely at a loss, but it was new. He was trying to process all of the good feelings he was having, and what they meant. Xie Lian moaned as he crashed their lips together, needing something to ground him. He hadn’t expected it to be like this, but it was nice. He still felt so close to Hua Cheng even as they tried to learn the things they could do to make each other happy.
“You're so wet,” Hua Cheng whispered against his lips. His thumb brushed over the head of Xie Lian’s cock, smearing precum over him and using the slick to assist the slide as he kept stroking him. Xie Lian hadn’t expected something so simple to make it feel even better, but it did. The movement felt more natural. His body felt like it was tingling in the most wonderful ways, a comforting warmth weaving its way through his body. He didn’t want it to end. But, he also didn’t know how much longer he could last. He didn’t know how he knew, but there was just this feeling that he was close to something, something wonderful, but he wasn’t sure he wanted to get there just yet. Not when there was so much more to try.
Xie Lian followed Hua Cheng’s example, using the slick to improve the slide of his cock through his hand and Hua Cheng’s response was immediate, cock rocking faster into his touch like he couldn’t help himself. Hua Cheng was groaning into his mouth with every thrust now, like he’d been broken down enough that he wasn’t holding back anymore. He was still quieter than Xie Lian. He wasn’t sure if he should feel self-conscious about it, but every time he made a sound, Hua Cheng would smile. He could never resist that smile.
Xie Lian had to keep reminding himself to move his hand, so lost in the kisses, in the closeness. Hua Cheng’s hand stilled at the head of Xie Lian’s cock, thumb rubbing gentle circles on the underside, and Xie Lian felt his toes curl, a whimper leaving his lips before he could stop it. His body wanted to buck into his hand, to get more friction, but he knew if he did, that sensation would end. He pulled away from the kiss and buried his face in Hua Chen’s neck, unable to contain his moans. It felt so good when he touched him just like that, delicate strokes in just the right places. The soft chuckle he received meant Hua Cheng knew exactly what he was doing. He’d probably read about that, too.
“You sound like you're enjoying yourself,” Hua Cheng noted. He’d started stroking Xie Lian’s length again, but stopped at the head every time to rub that sensitive spot, making sure there was never a moment he wasn’t being pleasured, “I love hearing all the sounds you make…”
Xie Lian was grateful for that fact because he couldn’t seem to help it. He was so overwhelmed by all the wonderful feelings, that he couldn’t help but moan. He couldn’t stop his breath being so ragged, couldn’t help the way his heart pounded in his chest and the butterflies soared in his stomach as the anticipation seemed to build and he wasn’t even sure exactly what it was he was anticipating. Xie Lian tangled his fingers in Hua Cheng’s hair as he held him close, desperate to stay right there, to never ever leave that perfect moment. His voice was strained as he finally managed to say, “San Lang… I- ah!” He tugged gently on Hua Cheng’s hair as he pressed a little harder, thumb rubbing soothing circles against his frenulum in an almost torturous way, “I-I think… I think I’m close…”
He couldn’t be completely sure. He’d never experienced it before. But, Xie Lian wasn’t completely naive. He may not have known exactly what kinds of things they could do to bring each other pleasure, but he knew what happened in the end. And that was what this build-up seemed to be. There was this feeling he couldn’t shake that he was going to snap, that Hua Cheng had wound him so tight with all the agonisingly wonderful touches that he wasn’t going to last much longer.
“That’s okay,” Hua Cheng reassured. He didn’t slow down his pace, kept moving his hand from long, slow strokes to smaller, more urgent ones, but always making sure he paid attention to all the areas Xie Lian had seemed to enjoy, “We’ll keep going as long as you need.”
Xie Lian should’ve expected such a sweet sentiment, but it still just served to make him feel even hotter. Hua Cheng was so good to him. He loved him so much. He had to. No one had ever made him want these things, no one had ever tempted him so much to completely throw caution to the wind. Xie Lian didn’t know that love could make him so happy. He didn’t know that it was possible to find so much joy in another person. It was as Hua Cheng stopped to drag his thumb over the slick mess at the head of his cock that Xie Lian seemed to finally lose complete control. His mind went blank, moans falling from his lips as he fucked into his hand again and again, painting Hua Cheng’s stomach with his seed. It felt like it was never going to end. He was floating, his heart wouldn’t stop racing. His head felt light. There was a warm, comforting feeling blanketing him. Like this was supposed to happen, like it was inevitable that he’d one day meet Hua Cheng and this would be the path they would choose together.
The pleasant feeling didn’t last nearly long enough before Xie Lian was realising that he couldn’t breathe. Or, maybe that wasn’t quite what it was. He could breathe. He’d never breathed so hard in his life, but each inhale was too short, barely registering in his body, so he kept going, desperately trying to get enough air in his lungs to breathe. No wonder his head had felt so light. This wasn’t what it was supposed to feel like. Xie Lian had had a taste of the bliss that came from his orgasm. This was something else, something unpleasant. He felt so weak. He couldn’t control his body as it tried to adjust itself to such a sudden change. He wasn’t losing all of his power. Technically, they hadn’t completely broken his cultivation path. But, it still had an effect. Power was still draining, and it was doing it so suddenly it was like he was going into shock from it.
He was vaguely aware of the feeling of Hua Cheng shifting beneath him, sitting up and rubbing his back. He was calling for him, wanting to know that he was okay and Xie Lian wanted to reassure him, but how could he talk when he was trying to breathe? It would pass. He knew it would. He just wished it would hurry up, it wasn’t fair to scare Hua Cheng like this.
“Deep breaths, gege, you need to take deeper breaths,” He could vaguely hear Hua Cheng urging him.
He was right, of course. That was the problem. Xie Lian might’ve let himself just take the pain of his strained lungs until it subsided on its own, but Hua Cheng sounded so concerned. He couldn’t let it go on any longer than it had to. He had to do what he could to control it to ease Hua Cheng’s mind. Xie Lian’s fingers clawed the bedsheets and he did all he could to take longer, deeper breaths. Finally, he was starting to get air into his lungs. The strain was beginning to ease. But, he was still fighting his body, fighting to allow his breaths to be deep enough.
“I’m sorry,” Hua Cheng was still panicking. Xie Lian could feel the way his hand was shaking as it bushed along his back, “I’m sorry, I’m so selfish…”
“No,” Xie Lian wanted to reassure him, but it was hard when he still felt so breathless, when he felt lightheaded from the lack of oxygen. He wasn’t sure how much of the floaty feeling was from the cultivation, and how much was from his orgasm. There was that pleasant sensation still there, but it was being overpowered by the bad. He just needed to focus. He was getting through it, “Worth… worth it.”
Hua Cheng chuckled, but there was a tear in his eye. He’d been so scared. Xie Lian was the selfish one. He was the one who had been so desperate to do this. He was the one who had made him worry. The minutes passed and Xie Lian seemed to finally have a handle on his breathing.
Hua Cheng pulled Xie Lian into his arms and hugged him close, his touches remaining gentle, “Are you okay?”
“Mm,” Xie Lian felt so light-headed. The weakness from the power loss was barely noticeable. He still had more power than he had when he had his shackles. It was just the sudden loss of so much at once. He hadn’t been ready for that feeling. He leaned into Hua Cheng and said, “I’m good. I’m really good.”
“Are you sure? That looked bad,” Hua Cheng kept touching everywhere he could, seeming to remind himself that Xie Lian was fine, that nothing had taken him away.
“It was a lot,” Xie Lian agreed, “But, it doesn’t mean I didn’t enjoy what we did. I don’t regret anything.”
Hua Cheng kept brushing kisses to his shoulder, neck, and hair, anywhere he could and Xie Lian was quickly realising this was much more about Hua Cheng reassuring himself. That was okay. Xie Lian could work with that. Hua Cheng spent so much time trying to care for him, it was about time Xie Lian returned the favour. Hua Cheng just needed his fears to be dispelled. He just needed to know that even though it had had an effect, Xie Lian was the happiest he’d ever been. He loved every second of sharing himself with Hua Cheng. He couldn’t wait to see what else they could try. He couldn’t wait to know what it would be like when he gave himself over completely.
Xie Lian allowed himself to fall back into the bed, reaching up and smiling when Hua Cheng immediately settled beside him, “It’s good we did it now. It might make the hit when we have sex a little less intense.”
“You still want to…?” Hua Cheng sounded surprised, but he wasn’t pulling away.
“Are you kidding?” Xie Lian was back to his usual self, his breaths back to normal, his heart rate slowly making its way back to a normal pace. He still felt a little light-headed, but it was nothing he couldn’t handle. He’d been through far worse. Xie Lian cupped Hua Cheng’s face in his hand and said, “I can’t wait to feel you deep inside me.”
Hua Cheng groaned and hid his face in Xie Lian’s neck, “You can’t just say things like that.”
It was only then, hearing Hua Cheng make that sound that he realised just how selfish he’d been. Xie Lian brushed a hand along Hua Cheng’s waist to his hip and said, “You haven't come yet.”
“Don’t worry,” Hua Cheng reassured, “I just wanted to make you happy.”
“Making you come will make me happy,” Xie Lian was looking up at Hua Cheng like he was something precious. He pulled Hua Cheng closer, whispering against his lips, “You like it when I touch you, right?”
A few butterflies burst from Hua Cheng’s body and Xie Lian giggled. At least he knew he was having an effect on him. Hua Cheng nipped Xie Lian’s lip and murmured, “I love it when you touch me.”
Xie Lian shivered. There was something about hearing him say that, something about knowing that he had at least done enough to make him happy. He brushed a hand along Hua Cheng’s inner thigh, “Can I keep touching you?”
Hua Cheng whimpered. He hadn’t made a sound like that all night. Maybe it was because he was worried about being selfish. Maybe it was just that Xie Lian was having that much of an effect on him. Whatever the reason, Xie Lian wanted to hear him make that sound again. He wanted to hear what other sounds he was going to make.
“If you're feeling better…” Hua Cheng started peppering delicate kisses to his lips, “Who am I to deny you?”
Their lips moved together in perfect harmony, reassuring each other with gentle touches and soft sighs. Xie Lian was okay. It had been intense, but he wouldn’t have changed anything. It didn’t matter that things were going to be so completely different now. It was all worth it.
Hua Cheng was worth it.