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“Remus?”
“Yeah?”
“Did you make any new friends when I was in Azkaban?” Sirius asked, one Wednesday afternoon at Grimmauld place. They’d only been living together for a few months and were just starting to get their relationship back on track. Most nights were like this, Remus pouring over books, and Sirius reading the newspaper with his legs lazily thrown over a nearby chair as his head rested on Remus’s chest in the kitchen. Remus looked up thoughtfully.
“Kind of.”
“Do tell, Moons.” Sirius threw the newspaper across the room.
“You’re going to have to pick that up.” Remus sighed.
“Yeah, yeah, I’ll do it later. Just tell me a story. A good one.” Sirius closed his eyes, and Remus put his bookmark in his book and closed it, placing it on the table.
“It’s not a happy one.”
“Screw happy. We’re Marauders.” Sirius said fiercely, his eyes still closed.
“Alright. One day…”
-----
It had been a year. One year, 4 months, and 167 days since the worst day of Remus Lupin’s life.
When he had been at Hogwarts, he always thought his worst day would be the day he got bitten, the day when his life changed so drastically for the worse, he could imagine anything more horrible.
That was until October 31st, 1981. His best friend, the one who has believed in him when nobody else did, James Potter, dead. Lily Potter, who would sit with him while he cried, always telling him that he wasn’t a monster, the world was, dead. Peter Pettigrew, who he should’ve taken more time to know, who he should’ve been better friends with, dead. The love of his life, who he would do anything for, who he had wrapped up in his arms, pressed his own lips against his, Sirius Black, betrayed him. He killed James, Lily, and Peter. In a way he killed Remus too.
Did he even love Remus?
Just a bit before, he had sobbed on Sirius’s shoulder at Dorcas Medows funeral. That was the first time most of them had to deal with someone close dying, and it was heart wrenching for all of them. Remus would never forget the way Lily cried, the way James broke, the way Sirius couldn’t even get though his speech, and the way Marlene screamed.
Now Remus cried, he broke, he could even bear to utter his friends’ names, now he screamed.
The only one of his friends left was Marlene, though she rarely talked to him, and he rarely to her. It hurt too much to remember most of the time they spent together, and their missing friends. Marlene had convinced him to make some new friends though, because she was worried for him.
When he confronted her about herself getting some new friends, she just mumbled and told Remus “You first.”
So, Remus decided to try and meet some new acquaintance, so Marlene would maybe try the same. He didn’t know if he could ever call them his friends, but he would try.
He met some people through a trauma support group for wizards, but he didn’t know them too well, and honestly, he didn’t want to.
“Who was your guy’s first crushes?” One of his new “friends” June asked them all one day. They were all on a mountainside, and Remus was struggling to be happy as always.
“Ooooh, it was probably this guy named Andrew.” Someone named Matthew blushed.
“Mine was a girl named Lily” Alastair whispered. Remus winced at the name.
“I liked this guy named Luka.” Dawn pointed out.
“I swear you dated someone at Hogwarts…” Matthew looked at Remus with curiosity. Remus quickly looked away.
“I don’t know if I did…” Remus coughed.
“No, yeah you did!” Alastair piped up. “I’m blanking on the name though…”
“Wait, was it Silas?” Matthew asked.
“It was Sirius, wasn’t it?” Remus felt his blood drop as the entire group got quiet.
“Sirius? Sirius Black?” June whispered.
“Didn’t he kill 13 people just over a year ago?” Dawn muttered.
“Horrible guy.” Matthew shook his head.
“SHUT UP.” Remus roared, bolting upward, surprised at his own tone.
“Remus?” Alastair asked, worried.
“SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP. YOU DON’T KNOW SIRIUS. DON’T TALK ABOUT HIM.” Remus balled his fists as the words came out angry and hurt.
“I’m sorry- I didn’t mean- “Matthew started, tears forming in eyes.
“DON’T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT HIM AGAIN. DON’T YOU EVER INSULT HIM AGAIN.” Remus stormed away. Once he got to his car, he quickly got in and slammed the door shut. He sat there, breathing heavily for a second, before he hit the wheel hard.
Remus was crying now. Grabbing onto his hair and yanking it.
“W-Why can’t I let go?” Remus said between sobs. He seemed to spend most of his time crying or working. Remus felt his heart shatter that day and it seemed as if nothing could fix it. People had put band-aids over his wounds, but they wore off over time, and they didn’t fix anything.
“My love.” Remus croaked into the night, tears still streaming down his face. “My love, why did you leave me? My love. My love. Padfoot.”
-----
It was a few months before he’d talked to any of them again. They had all reached out, and Matthew had apologized so many times, but it felt as if the fire was still burning inside of him.
Finally, Dawn had reached out to him and asked if they could meet on the same hill, just for a small chat. Remus was about to turn it down, but then he realized he really wanted to see Dawn. Not talk to her, just see her. It was a weird feeling. He accepted the invitation.
-----
Remus walked up the hill, and found Dawn already sitting there, a lit cigarette in her fingers. He sat there beside her and looked out at the setting sun.
“Sorry for last time.” Dawn apologized, putting out her cigarette.
“It wasn’t your fault.” Remus said before he could stop himself and Dawn smiled.
“The others are sorry too, if that means anything to you.” Remus groaned, hugging his legs and dropping his head.
“I know, I know. They just- just.”
“It’s okay. You don’t owe me an explanation.” Remus smiled, lifting his head.
“Thanks.” He responded.
“Anytime.” Dawn flashed him a quick smile before they both fell back into silence for a few minutes. “Hey, I have something I need to talk to you about.”
“Yeah?” He dropped his legs and leaned back on his hands.
“I think… I like you.” Dawn admitted blushing.
“As a friend or…” Remus asked even though he already knew the answer.
“No, romantically. Ugh I can’t believe I’m doing this” Dawn sighed, dramatically flopping on her back. Something in Remus’s heart fluttered.
“I think I might like you too? I don’t know.” Dawn quickly sat up, looking surprised.
“Wait, really?”
“Maybe.”
“Oh Merlin.” Dawn breathed. Remus saw her face grow an even darker shade of red. “Can- can we kiss? It sounds so bad when I say it like that, God. Also, it’s completely okay if you say no.” Dawn said quickly.
“No, yeah we can.” Remus looked into her grey eyes and slowly moved forward. Just as their lips were about to touch, he pulled back.
“Remus?” Dawn asked, worried.
“I’m sorry.” Remus buried his face in his hands, because he could stop the tears that fell down his face.
“Shit, shit, shit, I’m so sorry I shouldn’t have forced you.” Dawn said quickly, looking horrified.
“It’s not you, Dawn.” Remus cried. Why couldn’t he just kiss her? Why couldn’t he just move on?
“It’s not? What is it then?” she asked, her eyebrow furrowing.
“I- I can’t. I can’t kiss you.”
“Is it because of Sirius?” she said sourly. Remus lifted his head out of his head, surprised at her tone. “I’m sorry Remus, but he killed people. He really hurt people.
I’m not going to side with him. Why did you even like him?”
“I just fell in love with the wrong person, okay?” Remus snapped, though he didn’t truly mean it. Sirius didn’t seem like the wrong guy, even now.
“Okay, but why do you still like him? Do you even like me?” Dawn snarled.
“I don’t know! I told you maybe! I liked your laugh, I like your eyes, I like your hair- there are plenty of things I like about you?”
“Didn’t Sirius Black have hair like mine? And Grey eyes? Did he have a laugh like mine?” Remus’s heart froze as he realized that she was right. All the things he liked romantically about her were all things that Sirius had. He was just in love with Sirius. He could tell that his look said it all. “Okay, wow I see how it is.” She gave a cruel laugh and stood up.
“No wait!” Remus quickly stood up and followed her.
“No, Remus. You’re obviously still in love with your murderous ex.” She spun around to face him, and he was shocked to see tears building up in her eyes. “I’m just pissed you let me think that there was a chance for this. For us.” She stormed away, leaving Remus on the hill alone.
He closed his eyes as more tears fell from them.
-----
Remus knocked on a door in a small cottage out in the countryside. The door opened, and Marlene peaked out with her wand on guard.
“Remus.” She sighed, as she let him in. Remus walked to her small living room and collapsed on one of her chairs, running his hands through his hair. “Are you okay?” she asked, sitting on the couch opposite him.
“No. No.” Remus buried his face in his hands again and let out a sob. “Lene, why can’t I just let go?” Remus body shook with his sadness and his anger. Marlene stayed quiet. “He k-killed them all. He h-hurt me. H-he-” Remus let out a sound like a wounded animal but didn’t say any more. He had a feeling Marlene was crying too.
“Fuck, Remus.” Marlene muttered, hastily whipping her eyes. “I don’t know how to let go. I haven’t let go.” Marlene gave a slight laugh that just turned into a cry.
They both sat there for a while just crying.
“Why us? What have we ever done? What did J-James ever do? Lily? Peter? Dorcas? S-Sirius?” What did I do wrong?” Remus whipped his cheeks with his sleeve.
“I don’t know Remus.” Marlene choked. There was so much sadness between them, so much that they couldn’t say. So much that they wanted to, but the loss of all of their friends and their partners hit like it was yesterday. Remus knew that Marlene spent most of her time at Dorcas’s grave when she wasn’t working.
“I loved him. I loved him.” It was like Remus couldn’t breathe. He’d loved Sirius. He’d love Sirius, but had Sirius ever loved him? It felt as if his insides were being torn up inside, because he still loved Sirius, and he hated himself for it.
“I loved her too. I loved her so much it hurt.” Marlene bit her lip before crying some more.
“She loved you. She really did.” Remus responded.
“I know she did. That’s one of the reasons it hurts so much. We loved each other. We were going to live happy lives- “Marlene broke off again.
“What would they think about us now? Damn messes. We can’t even think about them without crying.” Remus gave a sad laugh.
“Yeah. One day we’ll know when we join them.” Marlene looked up at the ceiling, as if trying to see the sky beyond it.
“One day.”
-----
It was years after that. Many, many years. Now it was in the late summer of 1994, Sirius just having escaped earlier that year. Sirius had been on the run for most of it but had had sent Remus a letter.
Dear Remus,
Visit me. Just for a little bit. I’m at the place we always dreamed of going.
-Padfoot.
When Remus first got the letter, he swore he could’ve started crying. Sirius wanted to see him. He was going to see Sirius again. They’d only shared a hug and after 12 years, a hug wasn’t enough. He then racked his brains for the place they’d always talked about going.
“Remus?” Sirius had asked, years before, in their 6th year. His lips were pressed against Sirius’s as they sat in the Gryffindor common room late at night. Sirius was practically on top of Remus, pushing Remus’s head against the armchair with his firm kisses.
“Hmm?” Remus asked, tangling his hands in Sirius’s hair.
“One day I’m going to take you somewhere. Somewhere we can be together.” Sirius pulled back, grinning broadly at Remus.
“Where is that, darling?” Remus asked quietly, moving his hands so they held Sirius’s jaw.
“Here.” Remus laughed but didn’t let go of Sirius.
“We’re already here, Pads.”
“I know, but later in life. Once we graduate and I’m an auror and musician and you’re probably something nerdy like a teacher. I want to go on the top of the hill on the other side of the lake, and I want to sit there with you.” Remus moved his hands off of Sirius’s jaw and wrapped them around his back, pulling Sirius down so Sirius’s head was pressed against Remus’s neck.
“I’d go anywhere with you.”
Now Remus climbed the hill, trying not to be spotted. When he finally reached the top, he, panting slightly, looked out at the part overlooking Hogwarts and the lake, but he saw nobody. Remus took a few more steps forward, before all of a sudden he saw a large black dog sitting further to the edge. Remus ran up to the dog and sat beside him.
Suddenly the dog was a man. The man pulled out a wand and muttered a quick charm before setting the wand down and looked at Remus.
“You came.” Sirius smiled. His hair was long and a mess, but Sirius seemed to have tamed it slightly since Remus last saw him. Sirius’s skin was pale and gaunt, and he looked so light that even Remus with his aching back could carry him.
“I told you I’d go anywhere with you.” Remus smiled, as Sirius’s shoulder bumped into his. They both stayed silent for another moment.
“I’m sorry. For everything.” Sirius looked out at Hogwarts across the lake.
“Never be sorry Sirius. It was never you’re fault. I’m sorry for thinking it was.” Remus swallowed, also avoiding eyes contact.
“I keep thinking back to that night, right before I left.” Sirius admitted. Remus remembered that night well. They’d both been on their couch together, when Sirius sat up.
“I can’t stand this anymore; I’m going to check on Peter.” he said fiercely, causing Remus to also stand up.
“Sirius, that could reveal his location.” Remus responded seriously.
“I don’t care. I have a bad feeling- “
“Oh, so Pete is going to die because you had a “bad feeling”? Really Padfoot?” Remus exploded.
“I care for our friends. And if I can talk to Peter ill drop it okay?” Sirius growled.
“It won’t matter if he’s dead.”
“Whatever. Screw you.” Sirius flipped off Remus as he grabbed his coat and walked out the door.
“Fuck you too!” Remus screamed back as the door slammed shut.
Now they sat on this hillside, both looking out at the place that had once sheltered them from all that was wrong in the outside world, but now it couldn’t do that anymore.
“I’m sorry I said all those things.” Sirius whipped a tear that had fallen down his face but couldn’t do much for all the other ones falling down his face.
“Hey.” Remus whispered, as Sirius turned his face. Remus took his weathered hand and placed it on Sirius’s jaw and whipped away the tears. Sirus lifted his own hand and placed it on top of Remus’s, melting into his touch and closed his eyes. “I shouldn’t have said all those things I did. You were just worried.”
“Look where that ended up. If I’d stayed maybe I could’ve just had one more night with you. For years, when I was in Azkaban, all I could think about was how I should’ve stayed. How I would do anything for just 5 more minutes with you, and how I took all that time for granted. I love you, Moony.” Sirius’s eyes fluttered open. “If you’re not ready or are never ready to say that again, that’s fine. It just sort of slipped out- “
“I love you too, Padfoot. I always have and I always will.” Remus looked lovingly into Sirius’s grey eyes. “Merlin, I want to kiss you so bad.” Remus chuckled.
“Why don’t you then?” Sirius raised his eyebrows, as if challenging Remus.
“Because you said that this was only for a little bit. And if I start kissing you, I’ll never be able to stop.”
“Be quiet and kiss me, Rem.” Sirius sighed, so Remus brought his other hand to Sirius’s jaw and pulled him forward into their lips met.
It was like they were two puzzle pieces destined to be together. Sirius and Remus were destined to be together. Remus thought he heard Sirius laugh from under his lips as Remus pushed forward until Sirius had to wrap his arms around Remus’s neck to stop him from falling backwards.
They finally broke apart, gasping for air. Remus forgot how good it felt to have Sirius’s lips on his own. Sirius did too.
“I love you. I love you so much Sirius. So much.” Remus muttered, pressing his forehead to Sirius’s.
“I love you too, Moonpie. More then you’ll ever know.”
“Oh, dear Merlin not Moonpie.” Sirius laughed as he bushed his lips to Remus’s again.
“You’ll always be my Moonpie, Moonpie.”
-----
As Remus finished his story, he looked down at Sirius, who seemed to look at Remus with a mixture of happiness and pain.
“Well, I knew the last part but- Remus- “Sirius sat up fully and moved closer to Remus.
“I wanted to end on a happy note. Or at least something happy. It all worked out in the end, didn’t it?” Remus smiled weakly.
“Oh Rem…” Sirius laid his head on Remus’s shoulder.
“I love you, Pads. I really do. You know that, right?” Remus tilted his head.
“I do. I promise I’ll never leave you again, Moony.” Sirius whispered; lifting his head off Remus’s shoulder and pushing his face forward until their lips met.
“Don’t make promises you know you can’t guarantee.” Remus muttered from between Sirius’s lips.
“No. I’m never going to leave you, Moons. Never.” Remus smiled. Even though the future was uncertain, at least he would have Sirius there for it.