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There was always something so dazzling about Doyoon- this strange, radiant smile he'd wear, able to light up a room and even the darkest corner of the street. Juha first took real notice of it when he caught him listening in on him practicing. The smile was bright and warm and when he had asked him how long he stood there, how often he did this he would just chuckle and reply with maybe a few times… maybe more? It was like this when he had stood by his side almost every practice after that as if he didn't have stuff to do himself.
And how he always would make comments about how he loved hearing him play, drowning him in loads of compliments. All while smiling.
That smile that would make Juha’s head spin and heart race. The same smile he hated now and just wanted to beat out of his face- every single time they crossed ways.
Maybe the reason why Juha wanted to see Doyoon in pain wasn't just because he wanted to mess started with Taeyi - maybe the real reason why he wanted to see him down on the ground, cowering in the corner, covered in dirt and bruises was because he wanted Doyoon to feel the same pain he put him through every single time he heard his voice and that laugh echoing through the halls of the school or saw that awful smile from across the cafeteria, the schoolyard or when he was just casually walking next to Taeyi.
Everytime he saw it he just wanted to make him feel miserable. Excuses why he did what he did kept piling up and deep down, even he himself didn't buy them anymore. But he needed to keep them up until those weird feelings would subside and he was back to normal again.
These were the words he recalled to himself over and over again as he walked down the corridor of the school- eerily empty of most students- headed towards the locker room.
As he rounded the corner he stopped. He saw Doyoon then, shirt being pulled over his head leaving his hair in a disheveled mess. Bruises littering the body- Juha could hear a groan leaving him as he brushed his arm against his rib. There was a large one right there- painted in every color imaginable. He saw how Doyoon’s fingers glided over his chest, small cuts filled a perfect clean canvas, down to his ribs where he rested his hand then. He closed his eyes, tilted his head back and let out a long heavy sigh. Juha couldn't stop looking, as his eyes trailed down. Spotting another bruise right above his hip, disappearing into the waistband of his pants. Juha could only let his gaze linger there as his heart rate picked up on speed- it was stupid and felt weird and only able to draw back when Doyoon sat down on the bench, reaching into his bag to his right side.
It gave Juha a better look at what he had done to him- and at Doyoon’s chest which raised and lowered with each breath he took. It clouded his mind for a moment, mindlessly chewing on his lip.
Without them Doyoon would look-
Anger built up inside of him. He didn't want to have any of those thoughts. Full swing, a fist landed right against one of the lockers, alerting Doyoon who put on his shirt in a hurry and got up, letting another groan echo through the empty space, before he threw his back inside one of the lockers and left. Juha knew where he was headed and today he wouldn't let him go off that easily. He wanted to show him how disgusting he was for putting those thoughts inside of him.
Juha followed him down the hallway, after giving himself a change, outside to the basketball field, entering the space just some moments after him- the others already waiting and calling after him. In the corner of his eyes he could see Doyoon flinch at the mention of Juha’s name but straightened up right back again once the realization hit he was right behind him.
The weather outside was warm, so Juha hoped that maybe the sun could make him help forget what he had seen earlier as they worked their way through their usual routine. Thoughts of Doyoon at the lockers pushed deep back inside the corner of his mind- at least that's what he thought. Because now there was a push against his shoulder and when he turned around he was face to face with him. Cheeks a little red from the sun, while a few beads of sweat glistened on the skin of his temples, running down his face and dripping down his jaw.
Oh how Juha wanted to beat that look out of his face and make him cower on the ground again.
He pushed him away instead, stumbling back by this move himself. Two more rounds and he took a break, sitting down on the bench. A few feet away from Doyoon who sat on the ground, letting the sun shine down at him.
It made Juha angry, again. How he seemingly didn't care at all about the situation he was in. How the sun made his hair shine and how he was smiling to himself, with his eyes closed at first but then snapped them open as turned his head in his direction- still smiling.
He definitely had enough then as he got up, angrily gripping his water bottle and even more angrier unscrewing it before he made his way over to Doyoon, still on the ground- leaning back and looking up to him.
The smile faded away the moment Juha emptied the whole bottle, until the last drop, over his head- droplets trickled down the tips of Doyoon’s hair while the water completely drenched the white shirt he wore see-through.
And again, Juha couldn't help but stare. Stare at how the water ran down his lips and neck, disappearing into his shirt. The skin showed through the fabric, now clinging to Doyoon’s frame when he got up- showing everything, how his body reacted to the cold from the water. He brushed some of the water away, making it impossible for Juha not to follow that motion.
When he looked back at him, Doyoon’s eyes were at him.
Those eyes that made Juha fall deep- his next words only a mere whisper. Only meant for him.
“I’m leaving.”
Juha’s gaze followed him then.
It was only when he got home, and locked himself in his room, when he realized seeing Doyoon like this messed with his mind. He thought of the picture again; how the water ran down his face, droplets caught in his long eyelashes, and lips. His skin showing through the fabric.
Leaning his head against the wall, Juha sighed.
It was insane- He was not into guys. He was not into him.
He wasn't.
It was all because that guy annoyed him so much- nothing more, nothing less.
Those feelings just messed with him.
Those feelings that ran him over even now, seeing Doyoon backing up against the wall, almost stumbling over a pile of rubbish in the process. Juha grabbed him by his collar then- his fingers brushing the exposed skin of Doyoon’s neck, eyes traveling there for just a second- pushing him violently to the ground. The sound that left him, a low groan as his arm brushed against the edge of a pallet and his body hit a stack of cardboard, made him even more angrier, guilty. It was not supposed to make him feel guilty , he didn't want to feel it. Yet when Doyoon looked up to him with those deep dark eyes that always seemed to see- to know - what was going on inside of him, flinching under pain as he landed a kick at his rib, he couldn't help but feel so so guilty .
Feel the guilt ringing through his body and he continued to land another kick and another. One after another, making him relief more and more of that piled up anger.
And another kick against Doyoon’s ribs, forcefully enough to make him hit a stack of boxes toppling over next to him, when he saw those eyes looking back up at him again. Sunlight caught in them, giving them a faint golden shimmer. Another kick for making him feel this way, for making him feel disgusted by himself. He knew people's stance on it - on gay people- and he knew he didn't want to be a freak like Doyoon who showed it so openly, without any problems, without even thinking about the consequences, without even trying to hide it.
With that stupid rainbow sticker on his laptop.
Juha scoffed as he landed another kick right against Doyoon’s arm- it made a worrying sound. Another grunt followed by a hiss which escaped him on the ground. It was no way more painful than the tug at his heart followed by it being shoved under the rug whenever he saw Doyoon smile and drop these ridiculous boyfriend jokes around Taeyi. Juha kicked again as Doyoon was about to roll over to cover his arm- this time with more force. He was sure he hurt him significantly, now that he held his arm with eyes closed shut and dirt smeared all over his clothes.
He looked despicable.
He was right where he belonged. On the ground, between trash.
That's where boys who liked boys belonged and should stay. That's what he heard people say.
Giving him one last dirty look, he left him there. Cowering in pain with his hair so messy and the glow around him gone.
He couldn't care less- at least he shouldn't. Because the moment he rounded the corner he fell back against the cold wall of the building, fingers shaking in anger as a memory of them brushing over Doyoon’s skin flashed past his eyes. Agitated, he pressed the palms of his hands into the sockets of his closed eyes- trying to erase that feeling, this burning sensation, from his mind.
But it didn't help one bit. Instead his mind continued to drift there, over and over again. It was soft- it made his mind wander to things he didn't want to know. How would the rest of his skin feel against his? And how did it look? Was it again as littered with cuts and bruises all done by him, just like his fingers and knuckles?
Was he in pain when he had to undress?
Hands curled into fists, he slammed them against the wall. Why was he even worried about all that? He didn't- he shouldn't. He shouldn't be thinking about Doyoon undressed- like that one day at the locker room, in pain. Washing away the blood and tossing and turning in bed because his body hurt so much he couldn't lie in one position.
Footsteps rustled over the ground and then slowly moved away. Juha took a peek around the corner to see Doyoon leave, holding his arm in pain with his face scrunched up and a tear streak running down his face which he wiped away hastily. He took the route to the nurse's office.
Maybe Juha was just curious, maybe he just wanted to wallow off of Doyon's pain a bit more, but something made him follow him as quietly as he could. He could see how obviously in pain Doyoon was with every step he took up the stairs, arm still cradling in his hand and head hung low with his hair messy. Juha saw how he stopped in front of the nurse office, hesitating for whatever reason then he knocked and entered- leaving the door open, just a bit. Enough for him to hear them talk, enough for him to see him sitting there on the chair with daylight surrounding him.
So beautiful.
He heard his words then, when the nurse made sure if he's alright and not being bullied.
How he fell during a basketball game.
The words weighed heavily on him- wondering how Doyoon didn't say a word about him, not to the nurse, nor to Taeyi. In the end, he left the nursing office with his arm in a sling.
Because of him.
He scoffed to himself. It was Doyoon's own fault. For doing this to him.
He stopped beating him up that day. Swearing to himself it would only be temporary but then two days turned into a week- he continued to see Taeyi carrying Doyoon backpack, he continued to see him help him at the cafeteria picking his food and he saw Doyoon smile and laugh again.
The most infuriating part was to see them so close next to each other on a bench right outside. Doyoon dropping those boyfriend jokes here and there. Taeyi leaned over a bit as he pulled up the sleeve of the shirt Doyoon wore slightly to check up on something. The remaining bruises.
And a week turned into two. And then he saw Doyoon and Taeyi in a heated argument. He couldn't hear what it was about though- the only word he heard being shouted was injury followed by a deep frown on Taeyi ’s face and Doyoon’s eyes drawn to the ground, then a grip around Taeyi ’s arm only for the latter one to pull himself free and point at him.
More words were argued back and forth before Taeyi turned around sharply, leaving Doyoon there, alone.
Their eyes met from across the school ground. Juha had successfully ignored him for those two weeks, getting himself back to normal- so why did the look in Doyoon’s eyes make him feel so strange, why did that slight and brief smile made his heart so heavy? He hated that sorry look on his face.
The next day he got suspended for over a month.
When he returned, he saw Doyoon with his black hair dyed blue. For a second, he couldn't help but stare and look after him when he pushed his way past him. Something about him was a lot different from when he had last seen him.
Thats why, when he saw Doyoon at the gym hall facing him, some of his hair sticking to his forehead covered in sweat, he couldn't help but push him to the ground forcefully enough he hit his back against the benches. Holding his shoulder and looking up to him through his hair Juha saw Doyoon’s eyes flicker for a moment. The same look he had on his face when he beat him up that day, behind the school.
And then when he saw him the next time, it was late in the evening- and Seheon was right next to him. Shocked and uncomfortable. But Doyoon stood there in front of him, gripping his bag tight and face empty of any emotion, there was only this quiet judgment in them which stared him down. He told Seheon to leave, underlined it with a gesture of his head- only for a moment then did his eyes leave Juha.
He got closer to Doyoon then, those eyes, reflection of the street light dancing in them, followed each and every movement. It was insane what this did to him… but not as much as the words which rained down on him next
Telling him he should stop pretending, stop acting like an asshole. Words he hated to hear from him. So he could only retort with anger.
“I see through you.” These few words, the reason why Juha was now stepping closer.
Doyoon didnt know him at all. He wasn't the person he wanted him to be. He was never the person.
But he didn't accept, instead he continued. Continued to beg and plead for him to stop and it only made Juha more angrier.
“You're crossing the line.” The collar of Doyoon’s shirt in his hands now he hissed. Then something in those deep eyes shifted- feeling as if they stared right into his soul, filling up with tears which reflected the light. And as much as he wanted to let go of him and take a step back- get distance between them- he couldn't. Not when Doyoon looked at him with a slight blush coloring his cheeks. Even when Juha knew what was about to happen when he stepped closer, took a sharp breath and shut his eyes.
Not even could he find distance between them when he felt his lip pressed softly against his own.
When Juha felt Doyoon's hand gripping the fabric of his shirt, a shiver ran down his spine- it shouldn't feel the way it felt right now. It shouldn't feel so good and Doyoon shouldn't look like this. So handsome with that blush coloring his skin, those long lashes fluttering and the neon light highlighting him, making it look like he wore a halo.
This was insane. He was insane for letting it happen, for not pushing Doyoon away- punching him, beating him up- even when he had the chance now. But that hand gripping the sleeve of his shirt and his scent had him in a full clasp, making it feel like time stopped.
Only when Doyoon pulled back, looking up to him with those eyes and lips, looking so much plumper.
Tempting to lean down and do it again.
“So what if I crossed the line?”
So infuriating Juha couldn't help but push him away and throw a punch in his face, tears swelling up in his eyes, clouding his vision. He took a few steps back, cursing at him- voice shaking, before turning around to leave.
He looked back once. Anger still raging through his body.
Doyoon sat there on the ground, bag slipped from his shoulder and head lifted up to the sky.
If he could he would get right over there to punch him once more for making him feel all those things.
Rain had begun to fall down when Juha made his way away from the scene, now formed into a massive downpour. They didn't forecast rain in the news. Maybe it was just a sign of the universe to show him how miserable he was, with the tears forming in his eyes and hands clenched to fists because he hated it so much- how he was still able to taste those lips and how he wanted just a bit more of it.
The clothes still clung to Juha’s skin when he arrived home, the bathroom door falling close heavily and the lock clicking. He needed to get this feeling out of his mind, needed to scrape every little piece of it out of his thoughts and throw it away. But not even an ice cold shower could make him forget Doyoon’s soft lips on his, so close to him he could see his eyelids flutter and that slight pink shadow coloring his cheeks. Neither could he forget the hand that grabbed onto his shirt with such force.
And then the quiet voice filled his thoughts, echoing as if Doyoon was here with him, looking at him again, eyes filled with tears reflecting the neon lights. So what if I crossed the line?
He took a deep sigh as he leaned his head against the cold wall, water pouring down on him. When he closed his eyes, he saw him.
Wet hair pushed back, slow and steady breaths and the clothes clinging to his frame, slowly getting taken off. He didn't know why his mind made up all these images that weren't even real to begin with and shouldn't even exist in the first place. But there was something about them that made him unable to open his eyes.
He couldn't look away when Doyoon dropped the shirt on the ground and when he saw a line of water ran down his waist and hip, disappearing into his pants which he unzipped slowly
When Juha’s eyes followed and snapped up again to see Doyoon stare at him- biting down on his lips- his pulse picked up on speed and his whole body started to tingle with such a strange sensation he had never felt.
And he didn't want to feel any of it.
He wasn't into guys.
But god Doyoon was beautiful- he could barely keep himself from staring after him when they would cross paths.
He let out a frustrated groan before switching off the water, hand aggressively gripping the handle. All he needed to do was to sleep it off and everything would be back to normal the next day.
Exhausted, he fell into his bed that night, only to wake up just some hours later, what had happened keeping him awake.
And the next day, Doyoon had the audacity to confront him, reaching out for his arm to keep him from running away. As if he wasn't the one who did it in the first place. He didn't want to talk about it, not when the wound was still fresh so he ripped himself free from those fingers making his skin crawl. Raising his voice again too, heart feeling disgustingly heavy when he saw the look in Doyoon’s eyes, head dropping down to the ground. Not able to hold eye contact. But Juha couldn't stop yet, so he kept yelling, hand raised and pointed at him. Voice loud enough for Doyoon to understand, low enough for no one to hear them. When he was done, he left- and how Doyoon stood there looked so awfully miserable.
He didn't care.
It was some days later and he could still feel the sensation on his lips. It was one week later when he noticed all the eyes of everyone else in his class on him.
Hushed voices, muffled laughs and judging eyes. He saw and heard them all as he made his way through the halls.
“It's him, right?”
“It is.”
“Woah never in my life would I have thought.”
“Right? He didn't seem like someone like this.”
When he turned around and shot them a glance, they turned away. Heads ducked, acting as if they didn't say anything.
He passed a group of guys in the classroom on the way to his seat.
“It makes sense now, doesn't it?”
“Crazy how we're afraid of someone like him.”
Taking a deep breath, he did his best to ignore all the words. But they would always travel back inside his thoughts. And he would always feel their eyes on him. It was disgusting and infuriating. But at least he still had basketball, right?
Those people were his friends- they would never swap him out for a stupid baseless rumor with no proof at all.
Those people would never trade him for a baseless rumor?
Well maybe that was a lie he told himself as well too. As it seems he was exceptionally talented in making up lies and deceiving himself. Did they know and just kept him around for fun? If they did they too were exceptional at lying, and playing friends with him. There was no way they didn't hear a single word about it. But they didn't say anything while he was just there, waiting for them to drop the bomb. Waiting for them to ask if it's true, and if he doesn't feel ashamed.
God it drove him insane how they all stared and whispered behind his back.
And then Doyoon had the nerve to lock eyes with him from across the stairs, even worse- he really was stupid enough to come to his classroom.
Their first real confrontation after what happened days ago and it still made him feel so uneasy. Especially with them being alone now.
Doyoon still called him hyung as if nothing ever happened between them all the while telling him he didn't regret what he did.
How Juha wanted to tell him to stop calling him Hyung but those words never came out.
“ Hyung, I actually like-”
Not even then could he stop him from saying that word. He could only raise his fist, hold eye contact and spit words at him he didn't mean. Telling him how disgusting he was for those feelings. Too filthy to endure. When actually he spoke of himself.
But when Doyoon turned around and left- eyes gone of the daylight, now clouded with hatred, he couldn't stop and tell him.
He was way too embarrassed of himself. So he kept lying to himself.
It had only been two days since Doyoon told him he would stop acting like he knew him. Being ignored by him? It felt horrible. They would pass each other in the halls and not speak a word, let alone exchange looks. It was as if he was invisible to Doyoon. Nothing made this deep rooted pain- he had no idea where it came from- go away. And it also didn't help how he couldn't let go of the look in Doyoon’s eyes that fateful evening, even if so much time had passed since then. He just couldn't- wanted to see it again, up close. And he wanted to hear him call him Hyung again. Over and over until it made him angry again, yearning for more for something he was too ashamed to admit.
During the day in school, his mind would drift to those eyes and lips, to that smile and his voice.
The same night he dreamt of him. It wasn't much, really. It was messy and when he woke up he couldn't remember much. But everything stayed and lingered. The touch the most- he felt it on his skin and it burned because he shouldn't feel this way about a boy but he did and it drove him insane, made him feel ashamed when he closed his eyes and saw Doyoon in front of his eyes again.
It followed him to school, nagged on his thoughts making him wish he could rip his skin off so he wouldn't feel it anymore.
Maybe, just like always, basketball could distract him- but god, why did he have to see him there too? They almost brushed skin to skin when Doyoon made his way out, acting as if he wasn't there at all.
Doyoon didn't even bat an eye to him when they crossed paths after school was out. He had never felt this way.
Sure people avoided him for the longest of times because they were afraid and didn't want to fall into his hands. He was okay with that. But this? This feeling was horrible.
Horrible enough he spent the entire remaining hours of the day out, wandering the city.
He got what he wanted but why was he so frustrated?
He should admit it himself. The reason. And he needed to come up with an excuse for it as well.
With excuses rushing through his mind he didn't even hear them. How they called after him, whispers growing louder and then they called his name. They probably were people from school. Trying to make a fool out of him for what they saw. But when he turned they didn't seem familiar. No they weren't at his school.
How did they know him?
The push against the wall, every kick would bring a small part of long forgotten memories back. The words they spat too. They left him there. Beaten up, covered in dirt and bruises, leaning against the wall.
Juha remembered now how they met the first time. Him on the ground, him who looked so lonely. Him who stared at him with those innocent eyes while those two guys stood in front of him, threatening and kicking him. Him, who he wanted to help. Him with those soft hands and a smile so bright, brighter than sunshine.
He sighed heavy, head dropping forward making his messy hair fall into his face with blood dripping down his cheek. That's how Doyoon must've felt all the time, whenever he did it to him.
It was miserable.
He felt miserable. Why on earth did Doyoon even put in all the effort to talk to him when he wasn't any better than those guys who started their whole journey?
Frustration built up inside of him, making itself visible through tears building up in his eyes. Juha had been there for Doyoon when he got beaten up, held his hand and pulled him up from the ground. But now he himself was alone. Just like he deserved for being such a horrible person.
Hugging his legs, he leaned his forehead against his knees. Letting out a shaking breath, ribs hurting. What he would give for having him by his side now. Getting pulled into one of those warm hugs he was so sure Doyoon would give. Feeling those fingers in his hair, untangling the mess, feeling them on his face. And hearing his voice telling him everything would be alright, telling him he wasn't ruined, he could be fixed.
It was hard to accept but maybe that's who he was.
Maybe he had a crush on that guy a class below him. The guy with an aura brighter than the sun.
Maybe it all started that day when he caught Doyoon watching him practicing. When he told him “I like how you play the guitar.” When he complimented him, with that big soft smile on his face “You're really good at it.” When he added “I play the drums- lets do some music together.”
Pushing himself up from the ground he stumbled forwards a bit, head throbbing in pain. But he could handle it.
Later, je saw his mirror image in an empty shop window, not knowing how many hours had passed ever since he got beaten up. How ironic it was that he had called Doyoon dirty and now he himself was the one covered in it. This was his punishment and he gladly accepted it.
He spent almost the entire night out. Thoughts running over, repeating them. He thought of the words Doyoon had told him. How he did not regret doing what he did. How he regretted nothing and how he would stop pretending like he knew him.
When he went home the sun already rose up from its sleep, signaling him yet another day at school. Juha didn't change his clothes, he just grabbed his discarded bag, swung it over his shoulder- flinching at the motion- and left his home. Brushing it aside, pretending everything was alright.
How many days would he have to keep on living to finally get over himself and approach Doyoon? How many days would he still have to pretend everything was alright, he didn't need any of his attention anyway.
Yet, when he saw Seheom there at the rooftop everything crumbled down. Blaming him for all the things was the easiest solution. After all, everything that happened in those past weeks was his entire fault.
That's what he had told himself. It was way easier to blame someone else than himself.
After his miserable attempt to fix what isn't able to be fixed again, after feeling Taeyi’s fist in his face, he sat there on the ground for god knows how long. It had to be at least an hour because next thing he heard was the bell ringing. And another. And another.
He was up at the rooftop for at least 3 consecutive classes. Nobody looked for him anyway, so why bother going downstairs and sitting through something he couldn't even pay attention to right now- with all that confusing anger inside of him. Maybe some round of basketball could fix it.
Who even believed all that? He definitely didn't, anymore. He held on to a small string of hope, about to be ripped apart.
Angry, he threw his uniform shirt into the locker. Limbs hurting from yesterday, skin covered in ugly bruises and the remaining dirt. Everything was just so frustrating. But most of it came from the fact that those days without getting any attention from Doyoon felt awful.
Slamming the locker door shut, footsteps approached. And there he stood- eyes firmly set ahead of him, not looking to his side or paying him any kind of attention anyway. It hurt even more now that he stood right beside him. Framed by the light flowing through the window.
He still loved that look on him- but he would love it more if he would look at him, not past. Those eyes too cold, not smiling… something missing. Not reacting when Juha called Doyoon’s name, flinching when he gripped his arm.
“Answer when I call you.”
The grip was firm. It was the first ever time he actually got to feel their skin touching like this without any malicious intent- without punches to follow. The touch burned, like sin. But it didn't last long. Doyoon ripped himself free, eyes still not meeting his but he also did not leave.
“Why should I answer when you call me? Didn't you say I’m filthy?”
Yes. He had said those exact words. He still remembered them- they still echoed in his head. He regretted them now, every time when he recalled the look on Doyoon’s face.
Then those eyes looked at him, again, with that oh so familiar care when he saw the bruises and cuts on his face. Doyoon’s hands hovered over his face, fingers almost touching. But he didn't continue further. Too hurt from the words.
“Hyung, what happened to your face? Why are you injured? What happened?”
Too many questions.
Too many questions he didn't know how to answer. Should he just tell him he roamed the streets alone yesterday- thinking about him, the words and his voice- got beaten up by the same guys he had saved him from and then remembered how they met for the first time? Should he tell him how he wished he was there by his side, cradling him, telling him everything will be alright? Should he tell him it was cold outside but with him it would've been warm?
“It's you who's the problem!” He said instead, shouting. Making Doyoon back up again, eyes avoiding. ”Why are you doing this to me?”
God, this hurt. Everything hurt so much. Why was everything ruined? What if they'll never fix what's broken?
“Isn't this what you wanted? For your sake I was trying-”
For his sake. He had hurt him so much, so long and so often, yet he still thought of him as if he was so important. Why were Doyoon’s words always hitting the right spot in his heart?
“I know that. I'm well aware. but why is this…” He drew in a shaking breath. “So easy for you?”
Doyoon’s voice was quiet and broken when he replied, telling him it was difficult for him too. How he wished he wouldn't have done that that night. How he should've kept the crush to himself- acting normal like he always did. Eyes flickering the whole time.
Infuriating.
“Then why…wh the hell did you do that?!” The grip back around the collar of his shirt. “Things can't go back to normal anymore. Everything is so weird and bizzare now. But… you acting as if I didn't exist is more brutal.”
Seo Doyoon was such a strange guy. He never saw him not smiling, when smiled at him at the gym hall after the game- it never let Juha in on his thoughts. How he always kept coming around, even when everyone avoided him- how it had bothered Juha, his innocence. His reason why he evaded him so many times. It was like seeing something unfamiliar. How come someone was able to smile so much? Make up all those lies even when he hurt him so much, overcome with emotions so unfamiliar and shameful.
Doyoon’s faith in him- the reason he kept going.
The reason he realized one who's been twisted was himself. Slowly, he lowered his head. Slowly, he let his guard down and rested easy. He didn't know a shoulder could feel like him.
“I understand now. I won't ignore you anymore. hyung…”
The voice echoed in his ear. Traveled to his heart. Made it race.
“Don't confess your love you asshole.”
“I won't confess my love. And I won't kiss you without a warning. But let's stay like this for a while.”
He felt Doyoon’s arms around his shoulder, the fingers burying themselves into the fabric of his black shirt.
The hug was warm. Soft. Like sunlight embraced him for the very first time. He couldn't remember when someone had hugged him like this- has anyone ever hugged him like this? His parents maybe, many many years ago before they left? He wanted to melt right into it, but he also wanted to run far far away. Far away when he felt Doyoon’s heart beating against his chest.
They stayed like this for a while, a hand in his hair now.
“Let's patch you up.”
Doyoon sat there, right in front of Juha- fingers glided over the wounds and bruises on his face with such carefulness he didn't deserve- those eyes following his own movements. Then they flickered up and he smiled before averting his gaze again. This warm smile which made him forget every one of his worries for a moment. He felt Doyoon’s fingers around his own now, patching them up with band aids
“Never seen you like this. You're not going to tell me what happened, right?”
But Juha couldn't answer.
Instead, he just kept on looking into his eyes. Trying to see, to understand, why Doyoon was so soft and careful towards him- each time he finished patching up a scratch, he let his finger dance around the wound.
“Let me see if there are more.” Doyoon looked back up again, fingers curled around the hem of his shirt about to lift it up. His own hands found their way around Doyoon’s wrists, grabbing them a little too rough. Even though Juha said no words- too afraid of his own words- Doyoon understood, letting go.
“Alright if you don't want me to, I won't.”
It was as if he knew him better than he himself. And maybe this was the case. Maybe Doyoon knew him all the time. Maybe when he said he isn't like that and that he can see through him he was right.
No. Not maybe. He knew it was a fact. And he was grateful for it.
Never in his life had anyone ever tried to understand him- and Doyoon did it so effortlessly.
He had been the one missing in his entire life. He was the one he needed the most, maybe he could help him understand and teach how to act accordingly.
When Doyoon looked away again, Juha couldn't help but let a slight smile cross his face.
It was a miracle he even let him take care of him the next couple of days. At school, they didn't act like anything more than friends- Doyoon had promised him so, but as soon as school was out, they would spend as much time together as Juha was comfortable with. He was surprised by himself but being besides Doyoon gave a sense of home. A strange feeling, a feeling of unfamiliarity- a feeling he had to get used to first. It was mixed in with something else the moment he saw him smile, the sunlight reflected in those beautiful eyes.
Then he grinned, got closer and asked if he wanted to join their group project for the summer concert. And how could he say no, when Doyoon looked at him like that, brushing over his hand and softly intertwining their fingers in excitement.
So he agreed.
In the end, it took him a bit to adjust. His past behavior didn't make it easy. He felt Taeyi’s eyes on him. Maybe not only because of Seheon, but also because he had hurt his only friend for such a long time. It was clear he was weary of him, any why. He didn't blame him. That's why he tried his best to adjust more each day.
They had practice for at least a week now and it was the first time he saw Doyoon fall asleep after finishing practicing. They had already packed up their stuff, stored aside- Doyoon’s drums unmoved, when he turned around to see why. He was deep asleep on the counter, a soft smile adorning his face
Juha let the others go first, then made sure his instrument was stored neatly away. There was a weekend ahead of them so they didn't need them anywhere anyway. He looked at him sleeping once more before picking him up piggyback. Doyoon was light enough to carry him all the way down to the bus station where they both hopped into the bus. He fell right back to sleep upon finding a spot to sit down, head leaning against Juha's shoulder. It was a strange feeling, again and he didn't know what he would do if he'd meet anyone from school now.
Then he carried him from the bus stop to the house where he lived with his grandma. It was the first time at Doyoon’s house.
No. It was the first time he was at anyone's house. He never had visited anyone from school, it just never happened. He never wanted to. They never wanted to . But it was so different for Doyoon- he had always tried to invite him to his home. Even back then, when they were still just mere friends by accident,
Even when he was beating him up.
They had worked so much those past days. Many more days when he had to carry Doyoon home because he was way too sleepy from all the practicing. Yet they had made it this far and now they're here. About to go on stage and perform. It had been a long time since he last felt this kind of… happiness? Would he call it happiness or should it rather be called ease? Either way it's a feeling he hadn't felt for so long. Finally not playing the cold and awful person anymore, finally belonging somewhere.
Where he belonged stood right in front of him. Freshly dyed blue hair, an excited smile on his face and dressed in white from head to toe. He noticed Juha staring through the mirror he faced, turned around and smiled even brighter.
“Are you okay?"
Standing in with the back turned to the mirror now, the light of it shone at him- creating a perfect halo. It suited him so perfectly, he looked so good. Juha had never seen him so bright. Looking like something grabbed straight from heaven, like something he shouldn't even have, something he didn't deserve. But there he was, still smiling, still awaiting an answer. Juha scoffed, crossing his arms in front of his chest and turned away.
How was he supposed to be okay with someone like him in front of his eyes?
The prettiest boy he had ever seen, ever met.
After everything he had done to him, he wished Doyoon would soar on stage.
And soar he did.
From where he stood he would have to turn around and look up to see Doyoon. And so he did- in the perfect moment. The flashlights shining directly from behind him, making it look like aa if he was framed with a large halo. So many thoughts rushed through his head that moment. But one was the clearest-
He had no idea how he was even able to deny all these feelings for so long.
He loved him so much.
And now, after a successful concert, Doyoon held his hand, fingers only slightly intertwined. His head rested on Juha’s shoulder as he drifted in and out of sleep, a slight smile on his face and a blush colored his skin.
He too was exhausted but what if he fell asleep, woke up and realized everything was just a dream? He didn't want to wake up in a world where there wasn't sunshine next to him. Juha didn't want to wake up in a world where he could not look into Doyoon’s eyes and see the daylight reflected in them, a look he used to be afraid of to get lost in. Eyes that were so beautiful, showing him something he wasn't able to see beforehand, framed with those long lashes.
He didn't mind getting lost in them anymore.
Lifting his hand, Juha brushed through Doyoon’s hair.
He didn't mind staying like this forever.