Chapter Text
Claire took several deep breaths, her strapless bra digging uncomfortably into her ribcage. Coming to this party wasn’t a terrible idea, right? Normally she could ask Kelley these kinds of things, and then Kelley would help her to work out a game plan. She sighed, her head in her hands. Her dress fell around her over the pristine toilet she was sitting on. She could hear the muted sounds of music from behind The Bear’s bathroom door.
Fak had wanted to arrive to the event a bit early… something about maintenance that needed to be done. She had tried to pay attention, but she couldn’t even pretend to be interested in the nuts and bolts that kept The Bear running. Normally Teddy’s job now, things breaking today were back under Fak’s purview. Claire rolled her eyes, her internal monologue always returning to the helpful missive of Fuck my life. If they didn’t have to arrive so early, she wouldn't feel as though she stuck out like a sore thumb.
She had found a killer strapless dress that accentuated her curves. Fak’s eyes could not have been bigger when he stopped by to pick her up. She had tried to smile graciously, but wasn’t quite sure she had been successful, if Fak’s momentary look of uncertainty was any indication. Now that they were here, they had time to kill before the party began in earnest. The space felt so big, so empty when it wasn’t full of guests and servers. Thank God Sydney and Carmy were nowhere to be found. But where were they? Carmy couldn’t seem to stay away from this place; Claire was sure he’d arrive at any minute and she felt exposed, with all of her desires laid bare to anyone with eyes.
Claire pulled out her phone to check the time. 5:47 pm. Wow, had she really been in here for over twenty minutes? The party started at six; things were looking up. She saw several messages from Fak, asking where she was. She pressed her lips together, feeling a twinge of remorse. It felt rude to not respond, but what was she gonna say? She could imagine it now: “Oh don’t worry, I’m just sitting on the toilet fully dressed, trying to run down the clock until the restaurant fills up like a total dork.” She hesitated for a long moment. Better to not open those messages for now, she reasoned. She sat there until someone tried to open the door. She could see the handle of the door stop twisting, and then heard a soft “sorry”. The voice sounded a lot like Sydney’s. Fuck.
Should she wait a few minutes in the hopes that whoever it was (please, God, not Sydney) would grow impatient and walk away? Or would this person continue to wait, growing increasingly agitated? But what if she really needed to pee? After all, she wasn’t a monster. After Claire washed her hands and reapplied her lipstick, she squared her shoulders and grabbed her clutch. She breathed out. She slowly opened the door and stepped out into the restaurant.
She took a few steps, not noticing anyone in her immediate vicinity. She sighed, relief coursing through her. “Claire, is that you?” echoed in the space behind her. Claire tried not to outwardly cringe. Plastering what she hoped passed for a pleased smile on her face, she turned around. She saw Sydney, ethereal in flowing pants and a form-fitting sleeveless blouse. Her hair pulled up into a seemingly effortless style, she exuded the easy grace that Claire had spent hours trying to achieve. Her face wrinkled in confusion, Sydney didn’t speak. She did, however, have the grace to smile questioningly at Claire. The smile was both, “Hi,” and “What the fuck are you doing here?”
“Hi, Sydney. Um… yeah. I came,” breathed Claire, her heart hammering in her chest. As she gazed into Sydney’s warm, brown eyes, she faltered. She suddenly knew this whole endeavor was probably a lost cause. But, fuck it; she was here now, wasn’t she? She smiled softly. “I don’t know what Kelley has told you,” Claire began, making sure to speak softly. To sound vulnerable. She knew the effect that had on people. She opened her eyes, blinking rapidly. “I…” she hesitated. “I couldn’t imagine not being here for her.” She gazed silently into Syd’s eyes, maintaining eye contact until she felt enough time had passed. “I’d never forgive myself for missing today.” She chuckled in what she hoped was a self-deprecating kind of way. It pleased her to see the way Syd’s eyes softened. “Don’t be mad at Fak- I kind of roped him into bringing me. I need to make this right.” As she said the words, they felt true.
Sydney smiled, seemingly letting her guard down. “No, um.. I’m glad you’re here. You guys have been friends for a long time.” She stopped speaking for a moment, but it was clear that she wanted to say something else. Finally, she added, “Kelley is really happy, you know? And your opinion means a lot to her.” She cocked her head, seeming to drink Claire in. Claire couldn’t help but bask in her attention. For a moment, she understood why everyone couldn’t get enough of her. Claire smiled, and then Syd dipped her head. “Um… this is awkward? I feel… like I have to say this. Can we make today just about Kelley and Teddy?” Syd’s eyebrows were scrunched, and she looked as though she’d rather be anywhere else. Claire shared the sentiment. She’d prefer giving a sponge bath to the gnarliest, nastiest ER patient if it meant she could avoid this interaction, this party, this night.
She continued, “I mean, after the whole photos thing. I don’t want to make it weird,” Syd whispered, her eyes darting around them to make sure they weren’t overheard. “I mean, I get it. We’ve all drunk dialed or drunk texted our exes,” she mumbled, chuckling awkwardly. Claire’s stomach was somewhere in the basement, although she could feel her lunch threatening to come up. Syd straightened, and then looked away. Claire realized that Syd looked just as nervous as she felt, which made her feel just slightly better.
One good thing about being a doctor was the almost unshakeable poker face she’d cultivated after years of having all sorts of conversations with patients. Even when she’d done something horrible in a surgery or a procedure, the patient would never know. Not only that, they’d usually thank her when all was said and done. A good bedside manner, an excellent poker face, compartmentalization… all of these tools of the trade were helping her now.
“Sydney, I…” Claire began, aiming to apologize for her behavior. Syd waved her words away.
“It’s all good,” Sydney said. “Let’s just make today about Kelley. We don’t have to talk about it.” She looked up, smiling at Claire as she did so. Her eyes crinkled, and Claire could see her slightly crooked teeth, stunningly white in the odd lighting. She glowed as if from within.
Claire nodded, and clasped her hands together as she held onto her clutch for dear life. “Thanks, Syd,” she all but gasped. “You’re… that’s very-” she was saved from continuing by Sydney, who motioned that she had to go. Someone was waving to her from the dining room.
“Sorry, Claire! I have to head to the kitchen. That’s the caterer,” she explained, sighing. “I literally don’t know how to stay away from the kitchen anyway,” she joked. As Syd breezed past, Claire smelled the faintest whisper of brightest citrus, and then she was gone. Claire raised her eyebrows, figuring that Sydney must not really need the bathroom. Spying Carmy out of the corner of her eye, she quickly snuck back into her refuge.
Biting the inside of her cheek, she considered her options. Was it too late to abandon this party? What did she have to gain here, anyway? How mad would Fak be if she failed? She closed her eyes, her thoughts going automatically to Mikey. She normally kept him out of her head, but had been slipping back into the habit of thinking of him more and more lately. She rubbed the tender skin underneath her eyelids, trying to banish the crawling sensation she felt.
Claire saw the bathroom doorknob jiggle. It moved noiselessly, but she saw it. She didn’t even bother with the pretense of washing her hands or flushing. Without thinking, she just opened the door.
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Carmy had already turned away after quietly checking to see if the bathroom was occupied, when the door swung open. His eyes widened in surprise when Claire walked out. She almost walked right past him, her eyes slightly glazed. He reached out to squeeze her shoulder softly. She didn’t react.
“Hey, Claire… you okay?” he asked, voice unsure. Syd had already warned him that she’d talked to her outside the bathroom quite a while ago. The restaurant had filled up since then, the normally hushed dining room filled with loud chatter and laughter. Snatches of conversation made it hard to hear himself.
Not quite looking at him, Claire nodded mechanically. “Oh, um. Hey, Carmy,” she murmured, sounding distracted. She looked lost in thought. Her eyes glanced in the direction of the bar, without quite seeing. He wasn’t used to seeing Claire this way. She had always been so unflappable, so sure of herself. He suddenly felt a flare of recognition, and then an unexpected feeling of empathy washed over him.
He took a stab in the dark. “Hey, uh… if you’re looking for Kelley, I think she’s over by the bar.” He hadn’t been this close to Claire in months. It was so strange to think that somebody who had occupied so much of his life at one time was somebody he didn’t think about much now. The thought made him feel guilty.
“Claire,” he tried again. “I’m - I’m glad you came. I feel like I handled things really badly… before. When we broke up. And how I was just kind of an asshole before that too. You didn’t deserve that.” He gave her a half smile, the most he could manage.
She shook her head, maybe processing what he’d said. Tilting her head, she considered. “Hey Bear,” she said slowly, the sound of his nickname making his insides drop with dread. Was she trying to start shit right now? But then her next question threw him for a loop.
“Remember after we broke up and I stopped by to get all my stuff?” She bit her lip. Carmy wasn’t sure what to think. Was she really here to make things right with Kelley, like Syd believed? Was she here to see him? Or for another reason entirely? But if that were the case, why did she seem so out of it, so… lost?
Carmy frowned, wondering where she was going with this. Sensing his confusion, she waved her hand. She laughed awkwardly. It struck him then that she was uncomfortable. He found it somehow endearing. “So uh, I was looking for some jeans of mine in all your denim and. This is gonna sound weird and random and…? Do you.. do you, uh, do you know whatever happened to Mikey’s denim jacket? While I was hunting for my jeans, I thought about that jacket. So random, I know. But I… I didn’t see it. Um, yeah,” she mumbled. She didn’t meet his eyes.
Carmy could tell that for whatever reason, Claire really wanted to know. She wasn’t smiling and she wasn’t speaking in her normal soft tone of voice. If he’d been dreading her flirting with him or trying to talk to him about their relationship, he’d been wrong to worry on both counts. Quickly rearranging his features to resemble a person who was not utterly and completely lost, Carmy squinted.
He decided to level with her. “Oh, um. Okay. The jacket. Yeah? So… um, remember when I took over the restaurant?” They both looked up at each other, wincing at how close he had come to mentioning Mikey’s death. Claire nodded, her eyes narrowed in concentration. He’d never seen this type of intensity in her before. He shook his head, trying to get back on track.
“The numbers at The Beef were so in the red. None of the bills were paid, I was working 18 hour days, I was… I was drowning. One day, I had to figure out how to get a bunch of money fast or I wasn’t gonna be able to open,” he breathed, his voice shaky. “I had to sell it,” he whispered. Seeing Claire’s expectant face, he elaborated. “The jacket. Mikey’s jacket. I sold it to this guy I know online.” Claire’s jaw dropped, making Carmy’s stomach clench. He closed his eyes, regret running through his insides.
“Yeah,” he sighed, nodding vigorously. He ran one hand through his hair, pulling the roots as he went. “I know,” he whispered, looking at her. Her eyes filled with the same tears he felt welling up in his. “It’s hard to imagine him without that jacket. And sometimes,” he paused, looking up to the ceiling as if for help, “Sometimes I still think about the jacket. I try to think of other ways I could’ve gotten that money.” He scoffed in disgust at himself.
He’d lain awake more than one night, going back years in his mind, setting aside a nest egg. Present-day Carmy imagined a past version of himself who diligently set aside a sizable chunk from each paycheck instead of dropping $600 on a Ralph Lauren coat here, or a $400 knife there. He imagined traveling back to that fateful day at The Beef, when they needed a cash infusion just to purchase the literal beef they needed to open for business. He had shut his eyes tight, imagining the ease with which he could have simply trotted to an ATM to solve his problem.
Claire cleared her throat, breaking him from his thoughts. “It must have been a tough choice,” she acknowledged. “An impossible choice,” she whispered. Carmy frowned. How did she seem to know exactly how he had felt that day? He tried to swallow the lump growing in his throat. He nodded. He really looked at her then. He noticed dark circles underneath her large eyes, not quite covered by makeup. He saw the effort it took for her to keep herself together, in that moment. The last thing he was going to do was be the guy who asked her if she was ok. Her whole house of cards might come down. Was this about a jacket or something else?
“So, uh… Fak, huh?” he asked, testing the waters with a new topic. “What’s that all about?” he joked.
Claire rolled her eyes, a bit more sparkle in them now. “Oh, come on, Carmy,” she scoffed. “Fak is Fak. Any girl who’s ever heard him tell that toilet story is not interested, I promise you,” she said, the words tumbling out of her mouth easily. She chuckled, her strange mood seemingly gone.
Claire smoothed her hair across her shoulders. Carmy acknowledged her beauty clinically, without absorbing it. He thought of the curve of Syd’s shoulders, the elegant angle of her lash line, the rich brown of her eyes. The way she smiled for him. He could feel a blush rise to his cheeks as he tried not to smile.
As if sensing his thoughts, Claire exhaled. “Syd is… really great, Carm,” she said, nodding her head. “She’s a… she’s uh, a good person.” She swallowed.
“So… how, how are you?” Carmy asked, genuinely wanting to know. “Are you keeping busy?” He grimaced inwardly as he had inadvertently brought the conversation back to an uncomfortable topic. Fuck.
“Oh, you know. I’m fine. Average shitty,” she said drily. Carmy narrowed his eyes at that familiar witticism. Before he could think too much about where he’d heard it, she started edging away from him. “Um, I should probably go find Fak,” she smiled somewhat convincingly, although her eyes didn’t crinkle as they usually did. “I’ve kind of been hiding in there for a really long time. I almost decided to leave, but Fak went out on a limb for me. And I do need to find Kelley,” she muttered, already scanning the crowd over his shoulder.
Carmy nodded. “I get it. Um, it was good to see you. See you later, Claire,” he whispered as she hurried away. As he let himself into the restroom to pee, he sighed. While he completely understood hiding in the bathroom and why she felt regret over her choice to be at this party, he was still confused. What the fuck was up with her losing it over Mikey’s jacket, almost as if she lost a family member too? Dropping that train of thought, he decided to practice changing his thinking. He made a conscious choice to be grateful to have felt kinship with Claire, to share space with another person who felt Mikey’s loss as keenly as he did. And who was so obviously fucked up over it.
Zipping his pants back up, he washed his hands. As the water flowed through his fingers, he allowed himself to space out. Where was the jacket now? Who was wearing it? He made a mental note to himself to get in touch with his connect to see if he could track down the jacket. And then he went to find Syd. She was dressed up tonight, and he wanted to drink in her beauty. Maybe pull her into the walk-in, mess up her makeup a little bit until she shoved him, complaining that everyone would know.
As he walked back through the crowd, Kelley caught his gaze. Surrounded by a group of friends, she radiated happiness. At ease in a beautiful shift dress, she was telling a story with her hands, the light catching the vermillion color of her nails. Carmy smiled without meaning to. Then the thought of Syd being the one caught by that light, circled by the friends and family there to celebrate them, entered his mind. He had to fight to keep the grin from spreading on his face. He had a reputation to uphold, after all. He’d revisit the thought of Syd as his bride, dressed in white, later. He forbade himself from thinking about sliding a satin garter down one of her long legs right now.