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Kaveh realized that Alhaitham was probably in love with him one day, in the most mundane way.
Some time between Kaveh coming home late at night with dark circles under his eyes and Alhaitham waiting for him with a warm dinner on the table. Then, on a quiet morning when he dropped a small kiss on the back of Kaveh's neck, as Kaveh watched the roti browning inside the pan. He turned to find Alhaitham sleepy and soft, and probably not even truly awake yet. But the way he looked at Kaveh that morning, with the tiny pull at the corners of his lips, as if he was the most precious thing in the universe—it made his heart skip a beat.
By that time, they had been whatever they were for a couple of months.
He didn't do anything about it. How could he? Alhaitham was never one for sincere heart-to-heart. And Kaveh was even worse.
He kept that knowledge close to his chest, never to be spoken out loud. Except there were days when he tried to come home earlier, forgoing drinking with friends to spend some quiet time with Alhaitham. And when Alhaitham brought home yet another weird looking trinket from the bazaar, instead of getting angry, he took a look at it and tried to fit the… abomination to the interior of their house, in the least offensive way possible.
But… there were days, too, when he wondered if he should’ve said something to Alhaitham. With his debt finally settled after a series of projects he did for a Liyuen gentry, there really was no more reason for him to stay with Alhaitham, safe for the one fact that he wanted to.
His relationship with Alhaitham was better than before, and if he said something, would it change anything? Was there any reason Alhaitham never said anything about their relationship, or lack thereof, despite acting like that with Kaveh? What if Kaveh said something wrong, and their relationship reverted to the time after their fallout as students?
He wasn’t sure he could take that.
On his third cup of coffee that evening, Kaveh's fingers shook as he slid the parallel bar of his drafting table away. Someone was at the door, knocking rather insistently.
It was only recently that people began to find out that he was living with Alhaitham. And after accepting the fact that he wanted Alhaitham to stay in his life, Kaveh was starting to mind it less and less. Nowadays, Alhaitham was his roommate and it was as simple as that. Opening the door for people visiting didn’t feel as daunting as it had been.
Kaveh sighed and stood up, stretching out the kinks in his back. He called out as he walked to the door, in hope that the person behind it would stop bothering the neighbor at this ungodly—what time was it again? The sky had been brighter when he’d started working.
“Yes, yes. What do you need? Alhaitham isn’t ho–,” he paused when he opened the door fully.
The person standing at the door was someone he vaguely recognized belonging to Alhaitham’s department. Fuad–something looked panicked, the white of his eyes showing when he said, “You must come to the Sanctuary of Surasthana!”
Lesser Lord Kusanali explained it to him as precisely as possible. There was no known solution as of yet, but the Traveler and his companion were looking into it. Alhaitham had been traversing the oldest part of the desert with them when it had happened, and it might take a while to resolve.
For now, he was left with… Alhaitham.
“It's best that you stay with him right now. Something familiar may trigger his memory,” Lesser Lord Kusanali had said before he had been told to take Alhaitham home with him.
And Kaveh did take him home.
The man was silent, stiff like he had never been with Kaveh. Not anymore since a long while ago. The full height of him in their kitchen was outlandish to say the least, the way he regarded their home stoically, arms crossed over the front of his body.
“I didn't quite catch your name,” he said in a quiet baritone.
His words caught Kaveh off guard. He swallowed hard. “I’m Kaveh. Your roommate.”
Kaveh didn't think his answer through. But ‘roommates’ was easier. Less complicated when he didn't have words for what they were. Not in the way that could describe it in full. Lovers seemed too intimate. Friends with benefits seemed too cold, and it left a bad taste in his mouth even as he never said it out loud.
This Alhaitham who looked at him like a stranger did not need all that loaded onto him at the moment. What they both needed at one o’clock in the morning was a shower and sleep.
And so ignoring the heavy feeling in his chest, he pointed to a closed door. “That's your room. There’s a bathroom attached inside. And it’s… late, so if you have any questions, I'll answer in the morning.”
Alhaitham uncrossed his arms. The furrow in between his brows deepened as he stared at where Kaveh had been pointing. “I see. Then, in that case, see you in the morning, Kaveh.”
Kaveh nodded. He went to his own room after Alhaitham left him. He shut the door and pressed his back to it for a moment, digesting the reality of the situation. There were no signs of use in this room. The bed was neat. All his books were in place and the clutter on his desk hadn't been touched in weeks .
For a time now, he had shared Alhaitham's bed like it was the most natural thing in the world.
Kaveh let out a big sigh. His worry and exhaustion pressed down on him. All the coffee he had ingested wore off all the same in the end, leaving only a headache beating a staccato in his head.
He walked to the bed and took out the pins in his hair, tossing them carelessly on the bedside table. He laid on the sheets, and draped an arm over his eyes, fruitlessly hoping to get a few hours of shut eye before the dawn broke.
How much could a person forget and still stay himself? Surely, it was a line of question worth a lengthy thought experiment.
One concrete specimen was sitting in the kitchen.
Alhaitham was often misunderstood as a stoic, unfeeling machine. In the time that he’d spent with the man, Kaveh had learned that it couldn’t be further from the truth. He was never stoic with Kaveh—his smart mouth was always ready with infuriating quips and too honest commentaries, like the most annoying footnotes to whatever Kaveh was doing.
Then much later, he learned that Alhaitham was clingy . In the private realm of their house, once he understood that he was allowed to touch, Alhaitham would do it liberally.
He would wrap his arm casually around Kaveh as the pot of stew was bubbling on the stove, the smell of masala and chicken filling their house. His lips skimmed the side of Kaveh's neck even as he criticized Kaveh’s sense of taste. In their room, late into the night, he would extinguish the light much to Kaveh’s consternation and snatched up whatever document he was studying. He would bundle the sheets around them both and wrap his long limbs around Kaveh to prevent him from going back out to burn the midnight oil someplace else.
If Kaveh was being completely honest, he would say that he didn’t mind. He liked it, even, as murky as their relationship was. The feeling of being wanted was new—that there was someone who would wait for him at home, and wanted him to be there.
This Alhaitham though, was an unknown variable. His presence was looming in the kitchen as Kaveh prepared breakfast, silent and aloof. His eyes followed Kaveh’s every movement, studying him like he was an interesting book.
“Here.” He set a plate down in front of Alhaitham.
Breakfast was one serving of a few slices of bread and white cheese, with a sunny side egg, green olives and zaytun peach arranged neatly around them. He didn't make any for himself, settling across from Alhaitham with only a cup of warm coffee in his hands.
“I have work to do,” Kaveh said. “You are on indefinite leave until further notice. I don't think it's wise to go out too far in your condition, but it should be safe enough if you want to wander around this part of the city. There's also a park you like to frequent nearby. And… if you have any questions, I can answer before I go.”
“You're not eating,” Alhaitham said out of the blue.
Kaveh’s lips parted, but a quick remark that he would've once thrown carelessly died in his lips before he could voice it. Alhaitham's eyes met him squarely, questioningly.
“I'll get something at work,” Kaveh tacked on finally. “Don't worry about me.”
Alhaitham pursed his lips. “Did you sleep at all? You look terrible.”
“...I've survived on less sleep.”
“Hmm.” This was where Alhaitham would have replied with something scathing about Kaveh's time management skill, and maybe his insatiable drive for unattainable perfection. This Alhaitham didn’t say anything. He grew silent and accepted Kaveh’s answer at face value.
He left Alhaitham alone at home and went back to the Sanctuary of Surasthana. It didn’t sit right with him, the notion that he could only wait for Alhaitham’s amnesia to resolve itself.
Yet, as he asked again, Lesser Lord Kusanali explained with infinite patience that the Traveler and Paimon, right then with the help of that mysterious guy in a wide brimmed hat, were retracing their steps inside the ruin to resolve this. What he could do for Alhaitham at the moment was to stay with him.
Kaveh pressed his lips. He was ill at ease not only from worry. Logically, it shouldn’t be too hard, just staying with Alhaitham and answering any question that the man might have, and to be his guide when he had no recollection of his own life. But, there were things that he couldn’t possibly tell his Archon.
Chief among all, the fact that Alhaitham had forgotten their… not-relationship.
Though she seemed to sense his unease anyway, when she tilted her head and said, “Are you feeling uncomfortable? I thought it would be best for him to stay with you, since you know him best and you live with him. But I can make another arrangement.”
“That won't be necessary,” Kaveh replied too quickly. “I mean—I'm okay. We're okay.”
Lesser Lord Kusanali hummed. A tiny, knowing smile pulled the corners of her lips.
“I know you worry about him, but I'm more than certain now after some more time, this curse does not seem to be malicious from what I can sense. It will resolve itself after a certain condition is met. We may find out soon, or the Traveler will eventually return with the solution. He will be okay.”
Kaveh nodded and left the Sanctuary of Surasthana not long after that.
His Archon’s words followed him all day as he finalized the design brief with his client. Then eventually, Kaveh brought his work home with him when the sun started to set. He stopped by Lambad’s Tavern on the way and picked up dinner for two, along with a bottle of liquor. Not sure if he was feeling like cooking that evening and his work was starting to pile up.
When he arrived, it was to a quiet house. For a brief moment, he thought that Alhaitham wasn’t in. But as he left Mehrak at the charging station near the front door and tread further into the house, Alhaitham walked out of the bedroom with a thick book in hand.
“Dinner?” Kaveh said. “I have your favorite.”
“What is my favorite?” Alhaitham met him at the table, putting his book down on the surface.
Kaveh had to refrain from nagging Alhaitham about his messy habit of leaving books everywhere. In fact, as he swept the room with his eyes, he spotted two wayward books that hadn’t been there in the morning.
Some things stayed the same regardless of what happened, it seemed. Even amnesia wouldn't stop Alhaitham from perpetuating his bad habits.
Instinctively, his mind went to the books he checked out from the library after his visit with Lesser Lord Kusanali. He wondered if he could find something that would explain Alhaitham’s behavior in them.
He sighed, but the tightness in his chest had nowhere to go. He shelved the thought for later and took out his purchase from the bag.
“Lambad Fish Roll,” he said eventually, answering Alhaitham’s question. “You ordered it often when we went to Lambad’s place.”
“That sounds reasonable.” Alhaitham nodded.
Kaveh went to the cabinets to take out two ceramic plates, and though it was probably too late in the evening, he took out the pot for brewing coffee as well. As he stepped back though, his back collided with a hard surface.
“What are you doing?” Alhaitham spoke right behind his ear.
Kaveh nearly dropped the pot and the plates. A quick expletive left his mouth, and Kaveh stepped to the side before turning to face Alhaitham. “Don’t startle me like that!”
Ignoring Kaveh’s outburst, Alhaitham eyed the coffee pot in his hand. “Coffee would likely make you unable to sleep through the night again.”
“It’s alright. We frequently have it with dinner.”
“Is that so?” Those turquoise eyes fixed on him.
“Yes. And look,” Kaveh padded to one side of the counter where they’d kept the many glass jars of coffee. “Trying various coffee beans is something of a hobby for us. We have a couple lighter ones, too.”
Kaveh lifted the jar with said coffee beans and set to brew them. Alhaitham continued to study at him as he puttered.
When they finally settled down to eat, the man was ready with mundane questions about his forgotten life. Something that Kaveh had not stayed long enough to get that morning. He fielded them as calmly as he could.
And as the conversation went on, Kaveh felt more like himself. Though their interaction had not ceased feeling strange.
The next day, Kaveh stayed home.
He called in for a favor. Aunt Rani’s son who owned a sundry store down the corner ran to his office to send some updates and bring home the few documents that he might need. All in exchange for fifty mora.
It gave him time to prepare breakfast as he waited for the kid to come back. He mindlessly stirred the chopped vegetables in the pan, humming a tune that had recently become popular after the Sabzerus Festival. A simple, catchy song that would’ve been banned in Azar’s time. Instead, this year he had attended the festivities with Alhaitham and their friends, and even lent a hand in designing the stage.
“What’s for breakfast?”
As if on cue, Alhaitham showed up as the eggs he'd cracked into the pan were about done. The yolks were golden and perfectly runny, sitting right in the bubbling tomato sauce and vegetables.
Kaveh turned off the stove and moved the pan to the table, placing it on the wooden coaster he'd set out earlier. A basket of sliced bread was on the side, as well as two cups of still warm coffee and two empty bowls for the shakshuka.
“Just sit and eat,” he said.
He pulled out a chair and sat. Without waiting for Alhaitham to do the same, he served himself and took a piece of bread, tearing into it.
“These past two days, you’ve cooked and done all the household chores.” Alhaitham sat across from him. He went for the coffee first.
Contrary to what people might believe of him, Alhaitham did not always take his coffee black. Sometimes, he liked to spice up his coffee with a little bit of cardamom to enhance the taste. It made for fragrant cups of coffee, yet still strong and bitter like he preferred. Kaveh prepared it just so that morning, having been becoming more than familiar with the man’s predilection after sharing many mornings.
“Yes. Any problems?” Kaveh asked. He noted the pleased hum Alhaitham let out after a sip from his cup.
“Not in particular.” Alhaitham put his coffee down. His eyes met Kaveh for the first time that morning. “Is that something we have agreed on?”
Kaveh bit his lower lip. If this was the usual Alhaitham, this question would sound like a prelude to another argument. Yet, coming from his amnesiac version and with the way Alhaitham had been asking questions last night too, he knew it was simply another question.
Kaveh let it hang in the air for a bit as he mulled how to answer Alhaitham.
“I was in a dire strait when I moved in,” he said carefully. “In exchange for letting me stay, beside paying rent, I… do what I can around the house.”
“I see.”
Alhaitham fell quiet after that. He scooped out a big serving from the pan to his bowl and dug into the food. But Kaveh didn't miss the uncharacteristic, subtle glances Alhaitham kept giving him as he ate.
“Just say it,” Kaveh said after a while.
“You let your hair down this morning. There are hairpins in my room among other things that I don't think belong to me. Perhaps, you may need them.”
Kaveh paused the trajectory of the bread in his hand. The bits of egg that he'd scooped up with it fell back to the bowl.
Kaveh did need the hairpins. He lost them to the crevices of the house everyday and had purchased them in bulk in a fit of frustration one day. He'd simply kept them in Alhaitham's room, because that was where he had been waking up everyday prior to this.
Kaveh bit his lip. Guilt reared its ugly head inside him. He'd lied to Alhaitham not out of any discernible reason, save for it had been easier that way, that first night with Alhaitham coming home like a stranger. But that same night, as he lay awake in his bed, he had thought maybe it would be better if he didn’t tell Alhaitham about their not-relationship.
He had not worked out why Alhaitham had not said something to him, even though by how the man acted, they had shared intimacy like Kaveh imagined two lovers would. And added to that, he had no way of knowing what Alhaitham would like in this situation.
Kaveh did not expect and had no right to expect anything from amnesiac Alhaitham. Not when whatever he said might cause even more awkwardness in their interaction, or worse lead into a misunderstanding that influenced the man into acting without the full consent of his own, real self.
A knock sounded from the front door, interrupting his spiraling thoughts. It was followed by Rani’s son calling for his name. The moment thus broken, Kaveh got up to open the door.
And when he came back with a stack of documents in hand, Alhaitham did not bring up the topic again. And Kaveh was… oh, let’s be real, he was too chicken-hearted, on top of having no idea how to bring it up. The words died in his lips the moment he met Alhaitham’s eyes, and he resorted instead to finish his breakfast so he could start working.
Days went by without much happenstance.
He relearned how to live with Alhaitham. For the most part, it was back to square one, like when he’d first moved in with Alhaitham again after a long time of acting like they hadn’t known each other.
Despite being affected by memory loss for nearly everything that mattered in his life, Alhaitham still maintained his baseline behavior.
He read a lot of books during his leave of absence from his Akademiya duties, and Kaveh worked at home most of the time now.
No one visited them. For Alhaitham’s sake, and considering the many detractors that he had, Lesser Lord Kusanali had requested secrecy from the few people that knew about his condition, Tighnari and Cyno included. Though both of them would be welcome, they hadn't been seen in Sumeru city for the last few days.
In that timespan, Kaveh contemplated bringing up the matter of Kaveh’s stuff in his room to Alhaitham a few times. But those few times all ended with his words dying an early death before he could voice them. It frustrated him—but truly, it wasn't something that he could explain without resorting to lies.
So he kept his silence in the end.
It came to a head one day as Kaveh was deep into contemplating the zoning diagram of a problematic site. He was on the twelfth iteration, and frustration seeped in as he failed to find a workable solution yet again.
Truth was, Kaveh was not in the best condition. Loath as he was to admit it, he hadn't been able to sleep through the night. It felt strange now to have the bed all to himself, and not having to kick Alhaitham awake into letting him go whenever he had to get up and use the bathroom.
Each night as he lay awake, he was thinking if there had been something else that he could do—if he should’ve gone out to the desert ruin with Alhaitham’s so-called friends, the famed Traveler and his flying companion. Or if he should’ve stopped Alhaitham from going out that day, even if that last line of thinking was illogical. It had been a day unlike any other when Alhaitham had set out for the ruin. He’d even kissed Kaveh’s temple before he went. Kaveh had not reciprocated, his focus entirely on the diagram on top of his drafting table.
Kaveh groaned. The headache was a constant pressure at the back of his head. He decided to give up for the night when a drop of ink splashed from the tip of his broken pen and stained the unintelligible diagram. He wasn't going anywhere and well, maybe it was time to find something that would help him sleep.
Alhaitham was still in the kitchen when Kaveh emerged from the bedroom, reading with the light on. Kaveh opened the cabinet to find the liquor that he'd been saving and stiltedly offered to share it with Alhaitham.
The man stared at him with sharp eyes, yet didn't refuse him. They talked about nothing in particular, and argued on the semantics of a particular topic that Alhaitham was reading about. It turned out, even though he couldn't remember the people in his life, he retained all the knowledge that he'd gained throughout the years as a scholar. And the conversation he had started awkwardly to fill the silence, became more comfortable as more liquor was ingested.
Kaveh was so buoyed by the alcohol and the company that he almost forgot about Alhaitham's condition—in particular, when Alhaitham looked at him the way he was. With the red blush staining the high points of his cheeks as the bottle was emptied and the night wore on, and he had only Kaveh in his eyes, as if Kaveh was the only thing that mattered while Alhaitham hung on his every word.
Well, it was something that made a man misunderstand. Kaveh sneaked a hand across the table to take Alhaitham’s hand. His skin was warm and the difference in the shapes of their hands was always something that fascinated Kaveh. It was the last thing that he remembered from that night, comparing his knobby and scarred craftsman’s hands with Alhaitham’s elegant ones.
In the morning, Kaveh woke up to a mild headache. It felt inconsequential to the warmth that surrounded him, the strong limbs trapping him down to the bed, the face that nuzzled the back of his neck.
They hadn’t drawn the curtains over the stained glass window last night and the sun that slanted in, colored the room in green light. Kaveh blinked. It felt to him, as if everything was right in the world. Even with his parched throat and the low throbbing in his head, he did not want to leave this warmth yet. Not anytime soon.
It took too long for him to gather his wits, the threads of his memory coming back to him gradually and were slow to form a complete picture.
Once it clicked, panic set in like a breaking dam.
Last night was murky in his mind. He wasn’t sure what had happened. But one thing he did recall, at some point, he had drawn Alhaitham’s hand close to him, lifting it to kiss the inside of Alhaitham’s wrist tenderly.
He let out a small, mortified whimper, and was about to wiggle out of Alhaitham's hold when Alhaitham woke up.
“Where are you going?” came a raspy question from behind him.
“Let me go,” Kaveh said. “I’m going back to my room.”
Instead of obeying, Alhaitham tightened his hold around Kaveh, thoroughly preventing him from escaping.
“What are you doing?” Kaveh attempted to shake him off, still trying to sound calm despite the situation. But the feeble scholar moniker that Alhaitham liked to give himself was not even remotely true. He was a legit octopus when he wanted to be, case in point thoroughly withstanding.
Alhaitham pressed his nose against Kaveh’s nape. Truly awake now from how he sounded when he said, “I realized something for quite a while now.”
“What?”
“You omitted it from me. But I can see it, even though you don't say anything. The evidence is clear enough that we are functionally lovers.”
Kaveh sputtered. He hit Alhaitham’s arms and tried once again to get out of his hold. This time, Alhaitham let go. Kaveh sat up and finally, he could see Alhaitham’s face in the morning light. Alhaitham was as unphased as ever, tousled gray hair falling over his eyes when he set his gaze on Kaveh.
“I haven’t decided whether I should be angry at you or praise you for the effort, Senior ,” Alhaitham continued. “I thought it was strange that you insisted on sleeping separately when I could see signs of you in my bedroom. But I gave it the benefit of a doubt. Last night my theory was proven correct.”
“What did I do last night?”
Alhaitham’s eyes didn’t leave him as he touched a mark high up on the side of his neck. A bruise. Dark and prominent, and unmistakably something that Kaveh had left on him. It hadn’t been there before last night.
Kaveh’s lips fell open. His chest burned with mortification and guilt.
“It was only fair that I responded in kind,” Alhaitham added when there was no forthcoming response. He reached out this time to trace Kaveh’s collarbone, to a spot hidden by the drape of his shirt.
Kaveh knew for sure, if he were to stand in front of a mirror, he would find the same marks on his skin. His mind whirred. Truly, he shouldn’t have drinked that much. Alhaitham had always berated him about his self-control, but Kaveh only truly drank himself to the point of blacking out when he was with Alhaitham and their closest friends. And last night… as he had gotten more drunk, Kaveh remembered his thought process skewing. Heart on his sleeve, he had responded to Alhaitham like he had used to.
Alhaitham studied him, and had the audacity to sigh when Kaveh had no response.
“Come here, Kaveh.”
“No,” Kaveh said. “I—I need to go to the bathroom.”
Kaveh got off the bed. He was still mostly dressed. He, or maybe Alhaitham, had only bothered to remove his red cape and belt last night.
He left Alhaitham without looking back.
A few hours later, in the confines of his own room, after sneaking into the shower and sneaking back out, followed by some time alone to clear his head…, Kaveh wondered if he should've handled the situation differently.
It was his fault. He had been the one who had chosen not to tell Alhaitham the truth, but Alhaitham was far from stupid. Of course, he would piece things together eventually. And piece it he had, culminating in what had happened this morning.
Alhaitham had said that they had been lovers. It was a word that Alhaitham never said before his amnesia. Instead of correcting him, Kaveh had escaped with his tail between his legs.
“The Light of Kshahrewar, you’re ridiculous,” Kaveh muttered to himself.
He didn’t know how long it was for him, sitting on his bed and wallowing in self-admonishment when a knock sounded from the door.
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham said, voice muffled by the closed door. “Come out.”
Kaveh didn’t reply.
“Kaveh,” Alhaitham repeated.
It took a long, silent minute—Alhaitham’s shadow lingered at the gap under the door—until finally, Kaveh moved. The thud of his footsteps on wooden floorboards filled the silence, then the door opened with a click. Kaveh peered out.
Alhaitham was there indeed, dressed again in his usual day clothes, and with his headphones back on. His face was impassive, but it was as deceptive as still waters. His eyes told more than the man himself probably would like. He was as affected as Kaveh.
“I made breakfast.”
Kaveh worried at his lower lip. Coming from Alhaitham, that was definitely an olive branch. The man didn’t say anything else as they were locked there in detente. It was up to Kaveh to receive that olive branch. He didn’t know if he deserved that, after what he had done all week, after what he had done to Alhaitham last night.
He let out a tiny sigh. Whatever his hang-ups were, he could not leave this to fester any more than this. He had to tell Alhaitham the truth. The man deserved that, even if he did not remember.
“We need to talk.”
It was definitely too late for breakfast. The sun was already up past its highest point. Their little kitchen was bathed in multiple colors from the light that came through the stained glass window. And the wafting aroma…, it was unmistakably of Alhaitham’s signature dish.
A stew dish reinvented to become a pizza.
“I found the recipe in the kitchen drawer,” Alhaitham supplied without being asked. “It has my handwriting.”
The drawer in question was the topmost one, nearest the window. It contained recipe cards that Kaveh had collected over the years, written in his blocky letters. As the collection grew, Alhaitham’s recipes with his distinct longhand, would find themselves tucked in between Kaveh’s.
Kaveh took a seat at the table, noticing that Alhaitham had also made two cups of coffee. One black as night and the other with cream and sugar. Kaveh drew the one with cream closer to him, and lifted the cup to take a sip. It was sweet, with just enough cream as he preferred.
It was yet another twist to his guts, the fact that Alhaitham noticed how he had taken his coffee these past few days they’d spent their mornings together. How many little things the man had noticed about them? It probably had been insulting when Kaveh had told him he had been wrong.
“You said you wanted to talk.” Alhaitham sat across from him.
Kaveh put his cup down.
“I do,” he said. Then, after a pause, he added hesitantly, “We are more than roommates. But—we aren't, um, lovers.”
Briefly, Kaveh wished it had been last night's liquor in his hands instead of coffee. Liquid courage would do him good here in moderation, and maybe it could do away his stilted tongue and the heavy feeling in his chest too.
Alhaitham fixed his gaze on Kaveh, and it was with a significantly colder tone that he said, “Aren't we?”
Kaveh tapped his fingers on the side of the cup. He sighed. “I don't know how to put it properly. But we haven't really talked about it, even before you were…. Well, the point stands, we aren't lovers.”
“We share our lives,” Alhaitham said. “You slept with me. There are two toothbrushes in the bathroom that connects to my bedroom. Your things are all over my bedroom. And,” he paused, a frown etched into his brows, “If we aren't lovers… then pray tell, what are we doing? Are we friends with benefits?”
Kaveh brushed a hand over his face. For Archon's sake, he wanted to ask the same question, too. He wanted to ask the Alhaitham before his amnesia, and hear what came out of that man’s mouth. Except Kaveh had been too afraid of upheaving their status quo to have that talk, too afraid to hear what came out of Alhaitham's mouth.
What if all that intimacy had not meant anything at all? And the one person that he wanted to stay in his life left him because he wanted more—like his mother had abandoned him all those years ago to chase a new life in a new city. His new so-called family was one he had only met in cursory. There was no more place for him there.
But with Alhaitham…
“I… don't know,” he admitted in a small voice.
Alhaitham set his mouth into a hard line. He broke away from Kaveh's gaze, turning his face to the side. He was upset. Kaveh saw it in the rigid line of his shoulders, in the way Alhaitham was clenching his fists.
It made something in Kaveh’s chest constrict.
“It is what it is,” Kaveh said. “We never really talked about this before. You never said anything as well, so I concluded that you also wanted to leave it at that.”
“I can't believe this,” Alhaitham muttered, shaking his head. He faced Kaveh again when he said bluntly, “Then, what do you want us to be?”
“Does it really matter right now? I don’t think we should be discussing this when you don’t remember.”
Again, Alhaitham’s eyes narrowed. His words had unwittingly hurt Alhaitham once more, in ways he couldn't even fathom how. Why did Alhaitham look at him like that when he couldn’t even remember what they were to each other?
“Oh, but don't you know what they're saying, Senior? You’ve been reading those books for the past week. The researches done into amnesiac patients have one similar conclusion: what the mind can't recall, the body sure does.”
Kaveh looked up at that. The scrape of Alhaitham’s chair was all the warning that he got. Alhaitham braced one hand on the table as he closed in, the other curled around the back of Kaveh's head.
The kiss was searing, Alhaitham bending down to fit their mouths together without hesitation.
Kaveh was swept away by the warmth, the softness of those lips. To the point it took him a moment too long to push Alhaitham away.
“What do you even think you’re doing?” Kaveh said, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. His cheeks were definitely ruddy now, feeling as hot as they were.
“Proving the validity of their theory.”
Alhaitham stood to his full height. It was all spite in his tone, all clipped and harsh consonants.
Kaveh huffed. He couldn’t help it. “Alhaitham, do you even hear yourself right now? You sound ridiculous.”
“Am I?” Alhaitham said. “Not more than you, I think.”
“What do you mean?”
It was so easy to be swept up by Alhaitham’s goading. He recognized it now. His words were meant to incite Kaveh, to make him angry .
There was something that made Alhaitham upset, the fact that he did not like Kaveh’s answer. As if—
—as if he did not like the fact that Kaveh denied that they were lovers.
Still, Kaveh had to ask. In a much calmer tone than before, he said, “Tell me, why are you angry?”
Alhaitham did not answer him.
“Haitham,” Kaveh tried again. “Tell me.”
It was a gradual shift. The storm behind Alhaitham’s eyes slowly subsided. He took a step back and sat on his chair.
“I thought I had made it clear we were something more,” Alhaitham said levelly.
“Wait.” Kaveh held up a hand. “You made it clear?” He narrowed his eyes.
Alhaitham was silent, hands crossed over his chest.
Maybe Kaveh was focusing on the wrong thing at that moment. But the way he had worded that sounded almost—
“You remember?” Kaveh stood abruptly. This time he was the one who cut their distance, rounding the table to be at Alhaitham’s side.
Alhaitham tilted his head back to look up at him. And it was almost involuntary that Kaveh's hands shot up to hold both sides of his face, forcing him to stay in place and maintain eye contact.
“I do.”
Kaveh's legs got physically weakened in the knees all of a sudden. He moved one hand to the back of Alhaitham's chair for support.
“Since when?”
“Last night. Everything suddenly came back to me when you were drunk.”
Kaveh parted his lips. His relief was a palpable sensation in his chest, the coil that had sat firmly there finally starting to unwind.
Alhaitham covered the hand still holding his cheek with his own. He laced their fingers together in a move that had been more grounding than anything else the man had done this week. “Now, we have established that I remember. Would you answer my question?”
“Which one?”
“I asked you what you would like us to be. Are you going to dismiss me again?”
Kaveh took a moment to digest his words, his intention . He hadn’t even finished processing the fact that all the conversations that had taken place since the morning, happened in the context that Alhaitham had already remembered. And now, this?
Alhaitham waited. Kaveh should be angry at Alhaiham for deceiving him all day. But his eyes never left Kaveh, and the fingers tangling with his were steady. It felt as if Alhaitham would have waited forever for his answer, staying just like that with him.
“I…,” Kaveh started.
An image of him standing on the precipice came to mind. From what he had told Kaveh and from how he was acting, it seemed the answer was already pretty clear on Alhaitham’s part. It had come to him all at once as the puzzle pieces slotted in place with Alhaitham's admission. It was all up to Kaveh from here on.
And the longer they were locked in this pause, the more he discerned the gentleness in those gaze, hidden behind the still waters of Alhaitham's expression.
Kaveh’s chest felt tight. He glanced at their cooling cups of coffee left unattended on the table. The pizza dish that he had not even touched. The kitchen beyond Alhaitham's shoulders. The cabinet doors had been chosen by Kaveh one morning, when they had decided the kitchen had needed renovation. And behind those doors, were all the stuff that they had collected in pairs: the ugly toadstool mugs Alhaitham brought home one day, Kaveh's designer tea cups and plates, and the fancy coffee pot with the two little cups that they got from Cyno on his last birthday.
And then, at Alhaitham himself who had not looked away even once.
He took that leap of faith.
Alhaitham let out a gasp as Kaveh leaned in to kiss him.
They fit with the ease of two people that had been together forever. Kaveh parted his lips when Alhaitham prompted him, his tongue running along the seam of Kaveh’s mouth. His hand finally let Kaveh's fingers go to curl around the back of his head, pulling Kaveh down. And Kaveh went with it.
One knee in between Alhaitham's legs on his chair, he nearly bent in half to match the other man, one kiss to the next. A tiny, wanting sound escaped him when Alhaitham ran his other hand over his stomach, carving a heated path upward to seek more skin. He slipped his hand underneath the collar of Kaveh's shirt, and snagged his thumb on the dip of his collarbone.
The kiss was one that felt like it lasted forever, as if they were trying to get the full taste of the other. And as they parted, Kaveh's lungs burned with the need for air. His lips were sore and he must have looked like a mess of flushed skin and disheveled hair.
But when Kaveh found his legs again to stand on his own, he saw that Alhaitham did not fare much better. His eyes were feverishly bright and his own lips glistened with spit, zaytun peach red to the point there was no mistaking what he had been doing just a few seconds prior.
“I want us to be more,” Kaveh said. His voice came out ruined and hoarse with want. “It bothered me for the longest time. But I didn't bring it up because I was—”
A barely there smile graced Alhaitham’s face. He brought up a hand to draw Kaveh’s back to him and held it tenderly in between them.
“—because I was afraid,” Kaveh finished.
“Good. I just so happen to want the same too.”
Tentatively, Kaveh returned Alhaitham’s smile with his own. Then, with a new, sweet feeling blooming in his chest even amid all the things that still needed to be addressed, Kaveh leaned down again. This time, he was met readily.
As the sun went down, in a replay of that morning’s incident, he woke up in Alhaitham’s bed. This time, the room was blanketed in darkness, only the faint light from under the door giving minimal illumination.
He blinked to clear his eyes from the haze of sleep. He woke up much calmer and much more aware of his surroundings compared to that morning. With Alhaitham’s body behind him, it felt just like any other time when they would wake up tangled together. His body sore in a way that did not come from sitting too long or hunching over the drafting table, and the phantom feeling of Alhaitham’s hands over his skin was almost palpable.
There was a shift behind him. Alhaitham let out a small sound, and as he was wont to do, he nuzzled his face into Kaveh’s neck. Kaveh waited. Before long, Alhaitham started breathing evenly once more, falling back asleep.
Kaveh took that as an opportunity to carefully disentangle himself from Alhaitham, sliding out of the arm draped on him and getting his feet on the floor. After a brief visit to the bathroom, he went out with a soft click of the bedroom door.
On their cozy dining table, their coffee and Alhaitham’s dish were still there. A pang of hunger filled him and he was reminded that they hadn’t eaten anything since the night before. And even then, it had been more alcohol than food.
Kaveh grabbed their favorite jar of coffee beans and poured a good amount into the grinder. He grabbed the handle and gave it a series of quick spins, until the amount he needed for a fresh brew fell out onto the glass container below.
Then as he waited for the coffee to finish brewing over the stove, Kaveh reheated the pizza Alhaitham had made, and brought out fresh ingredients to whip up something quick that would be more filling.
He was just about to finish cooking when Alhaitham showed up from the corridor that led to their rooms. Kaveh leveled him a brief glance, and reverted his attention to the sizzling pan in front of him.
Alhaitham’s gray hair was sticking out all over the place, and he had only bothered to put on a pair of soft looking sleep pants before meandering out in search of Kaveh. Before long, he felt Alhaitham’s presence behind him, followed by the warmth of his body pressing on Kaveh’s back.
Alhaitham looped his arms around Kaveh’s waist and their slight height difference meant he was at the perfect height to rest his chin on Kaveh’s shoulder. It gave him a VIP view of what Kaveh was cooking.
“Hey,” Kaveh greeted him. “Good morning, or more accurately, good evening.”
“Mmmm.” Alhaitham only mumbled sleepily. He nosed along the line of Kaveh’s shoulder. “Coffee.”
“It’s there, sleepy head.”
Kaveh pointed to the counter where the coffee pot sat. The coffee had finished brewing and on the side, two cups were waiting to be poured into. Alhaitham let him go to get himself some coffee.
A smile bloomed on Kaveh’s lips. It truly felt like everything was alright again, at least in this tiny space the both of them called home.