Chapter Text
The trio managed to track and stop Kolyat from completing his assassination. They were back at C-Sec where Thane and Kolyat were in an interrogation room.
This left Shepard and Garrus outside waiting in what could only be described as awkward silence. Conversations in The Citadel filled the air. Two Krogan were discussing whether there was fish in the Pressidum water. Sounds of retail workers trying to direct individuals to their stores. Some even tried to get Shepard to say this was her favorite store on The Citadel.
It felt like an eternity had passed before Shepard finally said, “Garrus, what’s going on? Don’t lie to me either.”
He turned to see Shepard staring at him. He took notice of how the lights made her eyes look especially blue. He focused on the crinkle of her nose as she made a face at him. He thought she looked cute when she was angry. He could feel his heartbeat rise as he realized they had been making eye contact for at least a minute. Damn, Thane.
With a deep breath, Garrus figured that it was best to clear the air now. This was Shepard after all. Surely if things didn’t go well, they could be mature adults about it…right? If not, there was no guarantee they’d survive the Reaper war so truly, what does Garrus have to lose?
“Shepard, I- there’s something I want to talk to you about.” He tried his best to hide his nerves but the flickering of his mandibles gave him away.
Shepard turned, raised her eyebrow, and simply said “Okay, I’m listening”
It’s now or never I guess he thought to himself.
“Well, Shepard, it’s something that’s been on my mind for some time.” He felt his mouth become dry as the words started flowing. It didn’t matter, he was intent on having this conversation right here and now.
“I know that things have been difficult after Horizon and with your feelings for–”
“Kaidan…” Shepard interjected.
“Yeah, Kaidan. I just–” Garrus noticed Shepard's eyes were no longer on him, she seemed…distracted.
“No, Kaidan” she gestured to the hallway behind them. He turned around and saw Kaidan walking by. It didn’t seem like he had noticed them yet and for his own sake, Garrus hoped he didn’t notice them.
Oh for fuck’s sake he thought to himself. Of course, the one time he finally decides to make a move and go after Shepard, he shows up. For someone who seemed so keen on avoiding her, he has managed to show up at the worst times possible.
By some divine intervention, Thane also reentered. It seems the conversation between him and Kolyat went as well as expected. Thane explained that he and Kolyat would speak frequently to figure out their relationship. He could sense Garrus’ tension and Shepard’s nerves. He looked up to see Kaidan and figured it had something to do with him.
“Shall we go investigate Sidonis?” He asked, hoping it would refocus them.
“Gladly, I’ll lead. Let’s go” Garrus sounded a mix of defeat and anger. His thoughts raced with various ways to injure Kaidan. He shook his head, he knew Shepard would never speak to him again if he injured anyone that she cared about, especially him.
They headed towards the exit but it was too late, Kaidan had spotted Garrus. It was unclear if Shepard noticed but it was enough for Garrus to see red. He had enough. He couldn’t fight Kaidan but he could put him in his place in a way that matters.
He quietly said, “I’m sorry, Shepard” before turning around and exclaiming:
“Hey, Alenko!, Garrus’ voice cut through the noise of the Citadel. Kaidan reluctantly turned around and watched as Garrus charged towards him, Shepard urging him to stop. “Garrus, what do you think you’re doing?” Shepard found herself grabbing onto his armor, pulling him back but to no avail.
He stopped and without breaking eye contact with Kaidan, said, “Don’t worry Shep, I’m simply going to have a chat with an old friend.” Shepard could have sworn she’d seen his eye twitch, she figured it was best to stay out of the blast radius for whatever Turian-sized bomb was about to be unleashed.
Kaidan, still tense, watched as Garrus made his way over. He was unsure what kind of conversation would play out. He didn’t spend much time speaking with him when they worked together two years ago so he was unsure how to read his body language.. He searched Garrus' face and found nothing that suggested this was going to be a pleasant time for either of them. Instead, he found Garrus’ face cold as ice but was determined not to let this shake him.
“Garrus, to what do I owe the pl-”
“Cut the crap, Alenko”
Before Kaidan could process what just happened, Garrus continued.
“You had no right to speak to Kat the way you did back on Horizon”, he growled with his fist clenched.
“Kat? You’re on a first-name basis with her now?” Kaidan wasn’t aware that Shepard and Vakarian had become…comfortable with each other. This just furthered his suspicions about what’s been going on in his absence.
“Yeah, that’s how friends address each other. Something you clearly know nothing about anymore.” Garrus realized this came across as more aggressive than he intended but it was too late, his anger was unleashed.
“That’s not fair Garrus, I loved-”
“Yeah, you loved her. She heard you, I heard you, we all heard you. I also heard you accuse her of not caring about you and betraying you. I also watched you break her heart and walk away like nothing..”
“It wasn’t nothing! It was one of the hardest things I’ve had to do. But she’s with Cerberus, I can’t stand by that” Kaidan spit back. He glanced over Garrus’ shoulder and saw Shepard speaking with a Drell he didn’t recognize
“Who’s the Drell? I never got the chance to get his name.” Kaidan tried to hide the jealousy in his voice. He has wondered every day if Shepard had moved on. He wondered if she remembered the night before Ilos and if it meant anything to her. It seemed that she and Garrus had time to develop a bond stronger than he thought. Seeing her talking with another man, an unknown man, made his blood boil.
“Irrelevant information for you to have. You chose to leave Shepard’s life. You no longer have access to her, who she knows, or what she’s doing. You’ll just have to live with that” Garrus growled back.
Shepard occasionally looked over but quickly averted her gaze. He wasn’t sure if she was stealing glances at him or assessing whether she would need to intervene if Garrus continued the way he was going. Either way, he secretly enjoyed being able to look at her, even if from afar and under precarious circumstances.
“Oh, is this a Cerberus contact?” He was unable to even say the word Cerberus without the feeling of disgust.
“Enough about Cerberus!”
Garrus’ voice brought Kaidan back to reality, he could sense the Turian was running out of patience.
“I know you don’t like them but-”
“But what Garrus? Am I supposed to just ignore everything they’ve done? Do you remember our encounters? They were testing on people. Testing on innocent people. They created monsters, it’s the only thing they’re good at”
“So you think Shepard a monster,” Kaidan noticed it wasn’t a question. Garrus was stating it as if it were fact; as if he truly believes that Kaidan could think of Kat as a monster.
“That’s not what I said, and you know it” Kaidan found himself stepping toward Garrus unsure of what his next move may be.
Unafraid and unmoving, Garrus tilted his head down and repeated back “They created monsters, it’s the only thing they’re good at.” He let it linger in the air before he continued, “They brought her back, Alenko. Does this make her a monster? Would you rather she was still dead? Still a pile of mangled meat and bones underneath the Normandy?”
Of course not, Kaidan thought. He couldn't help but remember what it was like to watch Kat get spaced. Dead, mere moments after he left her on the Normandy at her request. He should have gone with her, he should have just gotten Joker himself.
One minute the love of his life was right in front of him, then suddenly, silence. Two years had gone by and he still hadn’t forgiven himself for not trying hard enough to save her. Of course, he didn’t think she was a monster. He could never think that about her. It was Cerberus he didn’t trust.
“Well?” Garrus asked, still not making eye contact. Kaidan was so lost in thought, that he hadn’t noticed Garrus was waiting for an answer.
“No, I could never think she was a monster. I can’t believe I’m saying this but, I’m grateful Cerberus brought her back. However, we don’t know what they did to her or what they told her. I know she’s her on the outside but…what guarantee do we have that she’s the same person mentally or emotionally? It’s not her I don’t trust, it’s them.”
“I don’t like it either. However, I can assure you that so far, she’s the same Katerina Shepard that you remember. Strong-willed and stubborn as always. She doesn’t take too kindly to the Illusive Man ordering her around and pushes back at every moment. I’ll admit, I’m not sure what her plan is but I know she has one. Shepard wouldn’t just betray everything she had been fighting for.”
Kaidan was unable to answer, he could only wonder if Garrus was telling the truth. Was Kat still Kat? If so, what is her plan with Cerberus? Surely she must have a plan? Surely she must think she can defeat the Collectors?
“Cerberus gave her a second chance; gave you a second chance with her, although you don’t deserve it if you ask me. Some of us are still hoping for one chance with her” Disgust filled the air as Garrus crossed his arms.
“What the hell are you talking about?” Kaidan clenched his fist, he knew he wasn’t going to like where this was going.
“Do you think you’re the only one who has noticed Shepard? I think the only one who hasn’t made a pass at her is Joker.” He let out some semblance of a laugh to keep himself from yelling.
Kaidan’s stepped back, dumbfounded. He hadn’t thought of it like that. He hadn’t considered that other people would want Shepard the way he did. Of course, it makes sense, it’s Shepard. Who wouldn’t want her? He had hoped she only had eyes for him, even now, but now he wasn’t so sure.
“I– what are you? Who are you talking about..?” The words fumbled out of Kaidan’s mouth as he felt his heart sink to his stomach. His breath quickened and his hands began to shake, he wasn’t sure if he was going to hit Garrus or not. He didn’t have time to decide, and Garrus continued his conversation.
“Me. I’m talking about me. I love Shepard.” Garrus felt a weight off his shoulders as he finally let himself say it out loud. The words he had been repressing were now out in the open. The moment of relief was followed by knots in his stomach. Shepard wasn’t too far behind so surely, she must have heard him. He refused to look back for he knew that if he saw her, he would lose all his nerves and he was determined to finish this conversation.
I love Shepard, those words rang through Kaidan’s body. He felt numb and pale; about to pass out. He had hoped he misheard. He knew deep down he hadn’t. Garrus declaring his love for Shepard woke something primal in Kaidan.
“You…love…Shepard” He repeated through his teeth.
“Yes, but it doesn’t matter” Garrus turned his head away
This piqued Kaidan’s interest, maybe there was still a chance for him. “What do you mean it doesn’t matter?”
“It doesn’t matter because I’m not you! You’re the one she wants, for whatever reason”
This did not grant Kaidan the sense of relief he thought it would. It pleased him to know that Shepard still cared for him, but at what cost? Maybe she deserved a chance at happiness with someone else, maybe he was preventing her from achieving that happiness. Maybe Garrus could provide her with that and Kaidan should just concede.
His thoughts were interrupted,
“Miranda said you were the first person she asked the Illusive Man for. She checked in on the rest of us, of course, but you were the first person she was concerned with. Hell, after she saved my ass and we finally had a moment of peace, the first thing she asked me about was when was the last time I heard from you. She asked if you were well. She asked if you had moved on.
After you tore her heart out on Horizon, she convinced the rest of us to not hunt you down and make you pay for hurting her. She rationalized and justified every awful thing you said to her. There’s a picture of you on her desk for Christ’s sake. So no, you don’t get to stand there and assume that she didn’t look for you or that she didn’t care for you. She did then and she does now.” Garrus wasn’t sure when he moved closer to Kaidan but suddenly he found himself face to face with the Lieutenant. He still wasn’t sure what Shepard saw in him but that didn’t matter.
Kaidan tried to find the words but he was left wanting. He noticed how Garrus’ eye twitched and his hand itched like he was ready to strike at any moment.
“This conversation is over” Garrus turned towards where Shepard and Thane were but not before Kaidan finally mustered out,
“Where are you going?”
Garrus didn’t look at Kaidan,
“To go fix what you broke.”
Kaidan watched as Garrus walked back to where Shepard and the mysterious Drell were sitting. He watched as Shepard pulled Garrus in for a hug and what he could only assume was her asking if he was okay. Garrus gestured towards the exit and Kaidan watched as he put his hand on Shepard’s back and ushered her away. It was not lost on him that Shepard only looked at Garrus and never looked back.