Archive of Our Own ^beta

I saw the Seraphim for the first time today! And oh, are they beautiful. I didn’t even fully realize at first, being in the throes of battle as we were. But it is a testament to Sorey’s growing strength as the Shepherd that I was able to hear and see them without him cutting off his senses.

Lailah is a beautiful young woman, dons a beautiful gown of ruby and white, no doubt resonant of her fire element, with silvery hair that curves like the crescent moon. Mikleo was not quite what I expected, a bit shorter and more lithe than I’d have thought, but he has a handsome face and hair also spun of silver—is it typical of Seraphim to have light hair, I wonder?

We battled with fearsome hellions that took the form of giant centipedes. They wreaked of Malevolence and spewed poison from their jaws. Fortunately, Mikleo rescued us just in time, taking on the title of Sub Lord from Lailah.

They are very good friends, Sorey and Mikleo. I now see the source of Sorey’s strength.

I feel honored to be sharing this journey with them.

Alisha

The negotiations are still ongoing, and I fear for the fate of my country. Should Rolance refuse to yield in any of their conditions, I know not what concessions I further offer. It is imperative that…

I am sorry.

I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I am sorry. I [letters are smudged from water stains]

It’s been two weeks.

I cannot sleep. Every time I try, I see the same scene replay in my mind over and over and over and over…

It’s all my fault. I am sorry. I am sorry. I am sorry.

I repeat the words every minute of every hour of every day, either by my dry lips or by my numb mind.

It’s all my fault.

I’m sorry. I killed him.

I killed Mikleo, and now I fear He will never rest until I burn along with the world.

I cannot forgive Maltran for her betrayal, just as I cannot absolve myself of my sin in leading Sorey to his falling, however unwittingly I did so.

But Rose is right. We met today, for the first time in four years. She slapped me, which I more than deserved. But when I offered my sincerest apology for all that transpired, she shook her head and told me that was not what I should have apologized for.

I admit, I was quite confused at first. What, if not for unknowingly leading Sorey, my friends, into a trap that would eventually cause them their lives and Shepherd, would I apologize? Not that any amount of repentance in the world can absolve me of this guilt. It would be too merciful.

Still, Rose is true to the name Sorey granted her all those years ago, and she screamed at me to ‘stop sulking and actually do something useful’ if I was still so ‘hung up’ about it all.

She’s right, of course. Steadfast and straightforward, my original impression of her is correct. I’m glad Sorey found a Squire and companion in her, who could fill the shoes I could not.

She would not have wasted these past years doing nothing but wallow in grief.

I am still a Princess and soon to be Queen of this realm.

I have a duty I must uptake.

Following a lead on the Origin Village of the Dawn of Chaos, I’ve come across something of interest—an iris gem that shows you happenings of the past. From the glimpses, I saw the previous Shepherd, and events that led to the birth of the Lord of Calamity. It was a terrible cycle of hatred and pain that led us into the First Age of Chaos.

Sorey and Mikleo were babes of that village, and they had been intended as the light that guided us out of the Age of Chaos.

I cannot help but wonder… if Sorey and the others had seen this glimpse of history for themselves… would things have turned out this way?

I saw him today. I saw the Dragon Lord.

He bears Sorey’s face. His features. The same mop of messy brown hair that sticks up like a rooster’s ruffled feathers. The same verdant eyes that would sparkle with a brilliance whenever he got too excited about the ruins of old. The same lips that would pull into a goofy smile when he realized he said something so typically him and earned the teasing of those around him, because he never felt like we were laughing at him.

But it’s not him. It hasn’t been for the past seven years. 

Sorey’s eyes never burned with such icy hatred and determination that could pierce into your very soul and cleave it in two. He never bore such cruel and cold smiles that only grew the more anguished you became.

He’s too calm, which is a trait I have never associated with Sorey, for Sorey is always a bubble of energy, passion, excitement and never a moment unexplored.

For years I’ve envisioned what it might be like for a reencounter with Sorey. I imagined there to be tears, apologies, desperate pleas and prostration for forgiveness and at the same time, self-loathing that I would even dare ask.

Instead, I too, am calm.

This is not the Sorey that was once my friend and companion. I owe this being nothing.

The Dragon Lord is not who I want to see, even if he bears Sorey’s face and body.

I will save him—Sorey. This dance will not end until either myself or the Dragon Lord is gone.

My Dear Rose,

I’m sorry to say that the Glaivend lead bore no fruit. The Blessed was nothing more than a pretender. I am sorry.

Sometimes, I wonder if our conflict will ever end. It’s been ten years since [words have faded from the letter being crumpled] …please don’t think ill of me, but I don’t want to cause you unnecessary worry when you’ve already such a troubled mind and so many affairs of your own to manage. Just indulge your old friend and allow me to say: I’m tired, Rose. We’ve been fighting for so long, and all we’ve managed so far is, don’t you think we deserve a rest?

I miss them. I didn’t get to travel with you all much, but I do miss [words have faded from the letter being crumpled up too many times]

[Letter ends here, appears to not have finished]

Today, we had a great victory. For the first time in years, we can honestly say we’ve won an important battle against the Dragon Lord. We’ve been whittled away at, taunted, tormented, till we became a sole company of knights fighting this realm of Malevolence.

But our hearts remained pure, our spirits strong, and with great difficulty we’ve managed to purify our first party of hellions! I hesitate to spread word of this small but important victory, so it will be kept under wraps for now.

Something is changing. I can feel it.

We lost Gendry and Naolan today. I know there’s nothing I could have done to save them, but I can’t help but think that I could. I could have been more cautious. I could have been less hasty to press forward. I should have seen it. It was a trap.

What will I tell their families?

Our company is all but fifty in number now. The Malevolence continues to grow in strength, the hellions in numbers. They’ve taken so many of my men.

There are many vows I have broken, though never by choice. I want to give into despair, and sometimes I cry silently in the night, under the comforting embrace of darkness. No one can know, see their Commander like this, for it would break them as well. And it is this knowledge that both supports me and chains me.

Sometimes, I still feel very much like the naïve princess that saves none by wanting to save all. I have grown much since, and know now that sacrifices must be made, morals sometimes compromised, emotions need be cast aside. But other times, I wonder… is this truly correct? Things aren’t ever black and white, but what if we are only ever meant to see certain shades?

It’s the fifteenth anniversary of Mikleo’s passing.

I saw him again today. I’m not sure if I was expecting it or not, but… there he was. No dragons, no hellions, no cloud of Malevolence. It was actually a beautiful day, the first one I’ve seen perhaps in the past fifteen years. I’d forgotten what the sun looked like. It’s beautiful.

He stood there, much like anyone else would, at the grave of their loved one.

It was Rose’s idea, to pass Mikleo onto the spirit of the lake and have his element embrace him for all of eternity. They erected a monument for him too, though Sorey had already gone. Lailah, Edna and Zaveid… they fought it as long as they could, but… 

It’s been fifteen years. And to see him standing there… for a moment, a very brief moment, I was my seventeen-year-old self again. There wasn’t [words smudged from water stains] or lords or queens or hellions versus humans and seraphs versus dragons and...

Just for a moment, the Dragon Lord was Sorey again. 

‘I’m sorry, Mikleo,’ he had whispered so brokenly. I don’t know whether he was apologizing for letting Mikleo die, allowing me to have taken advantage of his trust that ultimately led to Mikleo’s death, or for all that has transpired in the past fifteen years, everything that he’s done in the name of a bitter and hollowing vengeance that he knew would have broken his best friend’s heart had the other known. 

But for a moment, none of that mattered, because I saw the flicker of Sorey in those eyes. For the first time in fifteen years. It was Sorey’s warm, sad eyes, full of hurt and still, love. The way he rested his hand on the cold stone, as though it were Mikleo itself…

And suddenly, the most heartbreaking realization dawned on me. I haven’t cried once in these past three years, but…

How had I never realized? How had I, who had dared call myself their friend, never realized? I laugh and I cry, because of course, how could it have been any other way? Rose knew, of course she did. It all made sense now.

I am ashamed. It only took me two decades. Ha. I can hear Rose’s taunts now. I wonder if she has been waiting for the right moment to tease me.

I felt no fear. Not out of bravery or anything noble like that, but for the fact that the current being before me, Sorey, had eyes only for one person in that very moment.

Perhaps there is hope yet.

Why?! Why don’t you just come and kill me. I know you hunt me. And I keep running, on some pathetic hope or even more pathetic instinct, I don’t know. I know you know where I am, always, yet you continue to leave me to suffer in this false hope.

Why do you continue to torment me, Sorey? Why? Why? Why?

No, I know.

I’m tired. Everything we tried, failed. Everywhere we looked, were dead ends. Everything is gone. Everyone is dead. What have I to live for now?

Why am I always left behind?

I’m sorry, Rose. I cannot keep my promise.

I think I finally understand.