Chapter Text
As Shioh grew up to be the man he is now, he thought that power and strength were the only things that made someone successful. They allowed you to achieve whatever you wanted, making you invincible and unobtainable to anything and anyone. His purpose in life had become to seek after this power, to be feared by everyone so no one could hurt him, no one dared to hurt him, yet, even when he had become untouchable, there was a void inside him that, no matter what he did, grew bigger with each moment passing.
No matter what he did, the lonely nights he thought would’ve ended by now, had gotten only lonelier. The nightmares were more ruthless and his memories more painful. Every moment he closed his eyes, he was taken back to the body of a ten-year-old child, fear rushing through his body and desperately wanting to return home— a home he never had. A child who kept calling out to a father who had abandoned him, who had left him behind, afraid and alone. Despite the immense pain he had inflicted on him, Shioh wished for him to come back. He wanted to be held, he wanted to be safe, he wanted to live like the child he was.
Even as an adult, he couldn’t forget the hurt he had gone through. In the back of his head, he would always mourn the years he could never get back, causing him to never live in his present. Retaliating was the only way of easing his pain— it didn’t matter who it was, he justified any harm with the one he had faced. He was certain that only his desire for vengeance had given him the strength not to give up.
That was until he met someone, someone who suddenly pulled him out of his cold nights and led him to her warm embrace, without being willing to let go.
—
Shioh watched her carefully as Sol slept soundly on the left side of his bed. He didn’t dare to look away from her, afraid that it was just a passing moment and the second he would close his eyes, she would disappear from his sight and he would wake up from the only dream he ever had. He hadn’t thought he would ever see her again, next to him in his bed and certainly not with these entirely new feelings. Though he wasn’t sure if they were new. Because loving her felt strangely familiar to him. It felt as if these feelings were always there waiting for the right moment to appear, just like she was.
His fingers slowly traced her face, as if to make sure she truly was in front of him and not just a part of his imagination. He put her hair behind her ear and a soft smile appeared on her face— Shioh was struck by her beauty even when she was asleep. Her eyebrows, her eyelashes, her lips and even the only lightly visible dimple on her cheek were things that caused his heart to skip a beat. He didn’t know that looking at someone could throw him into inner turmoil, making him feel every emotion to its fullest whether it be excitement or fear.
…
After their moment in his office, Shioh had driven her home and as they sat awkwardly in the car, he’d told Sol that it would be for the best if they didn’t see each other for the time being, at least until he settled his affairs. He needed to feel worthy enough to face her again. She’d tried to tell him that he already was, that she wanted him to be by her side already but Shioh was set on his decision, as much as of a toll it took on him.
“Can you wait for me?”
His voice was quiet, a certain indecisiveness in his tone. He had been holding onto the steering wheel with all of his strength, forcing himself to stay put as he waited for her answer. Her eyes wandered across his face to his hand, his fingertips turned white with his tight grip. Her gaze lowered then, followed by a slight nod. She didn’t leave immediately; it was as if she still had something to say but soon after, she opened the car door and left hesitantly. Shioh let out a shaky sigh and watched her walk into the building with nothing more than the lingering touch of her lips and the trembling feeling in his chest. He was scared that during this time she would change her mind, that she’d think she made a mistake and that they wouldn’t end up together.
He did everything to minimize the possibility of such; he’d resigned as the CEO of Doogo, no longer wanting to aid in harming innocent people and supporting corruption at the company. He’d been determined to expose their, and his, illegal deeds throughout the years and to help the police with the investigation about Pavel. He knew he didn’t deserve it after all he had done, but he hoped that the cooperation would ease his sentencing, though he was ready to accept any punishment. Shioh had given up the power he had lived for in a blink of an eye, put himself in grave danger and risked his life to right his wrongs but his life was worthless anyway, if he couldn’t prove he was willing to change. He took Sol’s words to heart and wanted to show her that believing in him wouldn’t be in vain– there had to be good in him. Even if he didn’t trust himself, he needed to trust her.
With that, more than a month had passed. Although it was his idea to begin with, it was rather difficult for Shioh not to see her. Sometimes, he found himself in front of her office building, realizing only after his arrival he’d driven there. If he was lucky, he would be there during her break and catch a glimpse of her as she went out for lunch with her colleagues. Other days, instead during her lunch, he ended up making sure she was safe on her way home. Being cold and dark out, he had to fight the urge to run to her, warm her with his embrace and put her reddened hands into his pockets. Seeing her from the distance eased his pain but it was never enough. He wanted to hold her, feel her warmth and touch. He wanted to hear her voice and see her smile but his stubbornness got the better of him.
He reasoned that his decision was to protect her until the matters at hand were dealt with, but in reality, he was simply overwhelmed with his feelings and deeply afraid. Ryu Shioh was well accustomed to endings, he came to face them before things even started, therefore a beginning between them implied that there would be an end as well and this would be an ending impossible to survive.
As much as he wanted to be with her, he used this period as an excuse to resolve his inner conflict, not knowing the easiest way to overcome his fears, was to face the person no less afraid than him.
When she arrived at her place that night, Sol suddenly burst into tears upon entering the hallway, not knowing what to do with all of the emotions travelling through her body. She felt a heaviness weigh her down and pressed her palm against the wall for support as she slowly sat down, closing the door behind her. She felt helpless as if they had just bid farewell to each other without knowing. It felt as if they ended without even starting; the very bit of hope she had, slipped through her fingers and all she did was watch. She remembered his face in the car; the street lights lit his cheeks that were still flushed from crying, eyes glistening as he looked at her. A wave of regret hit her— she shouldn’t have left him alone in that state, she should’ve stood by his side. She didn’t understand the sudden distance between them, especially after having confessed her feelings to him. It caused her to doubt the meaning of the kiss they shared; did he act on impulse? Was it out of politeness? When she thought about it, he hadn’t even told her how he felt.
She took in a deep breath and hid her face in her palms. She wanted to go out and see if he was still there, wanted to call and ask him personally but the moment she took out her phone, she was reminded of his words.
She sighed and put her phone away. Drying her face, she stood up and took off her coat.
It’s temporary. I can wait for him.
She was used to loving him from afar, waiting a little more would not harm. But that person ended up being closer than she thought.
Sol would pretend she hadn’t seen him in front of her office during the time they were supposed to avoid each other. The first time it happened, she’d thought she had mistaken someone else for him, someone with a similar car. But when a few days passed and she saw the same car again, she was convinced that a certain someone couldn’t keep his word. However, she would play dumb and act unaware of his presence; that way she could see him even for a few seconds.
That was until yesterday.
Although Shioh hadn’t chosen the days to visit her consciously, there were days she could count on him to be there. His car wasn’t noticeable at first glance but after looking around, it was always parked at the alley leading to the street across from the production company. There were many cars similar to his scattered on that street, making it difficult to distinguish his from the others, but it would never take long for Sol to find him. Yesterday hadn’t been any different from the other days– she had walked out with her co-workers talking about which restaurant to go to, even though she already knew which one she would spend her lunch at. They stood in front of the building for a while, still discussing where to eat lunch and giving Sol enough time to find Shioh in the especially lively street. Despite the cold season and the strong wind, the cafes and restaurants across still had seats set outside, each table set with a blanket on the chairs. As her eyes searched for her visitor, she crossed her arms against her chest and wrapped her scarf around her head to cover herself from the wind. She tilted her head and looked all over the place, even throwing a glance to the back of an alley, but she couldn’t find what she was looking for. Even if she couldn’t see him, knowing he was there would’ve been enough but he was nowhere to be seen. It had now been two weeks since he hadn’t shown up.
She shrugged the disappointment away, thinking that maybe, he would appear on the evenings like he sometimes did and excused herself from her co-workers, making her way to the restaurant he once accompanied her to. The owner auntie still asked about ‘her boyfriend’ and told her to bring him again sometime. Usually, Sol would answer with a forced smile and a nod but this time she took a bite of the mandu she’d ordered and sighed quietly.
“I don’t think he wants to come any more.” She’d wished she could order a drink and cursed the working times.
“He didn’t like my cooking?”
Sol shook her head and continued eating nonchalantly.
“I don’t think it’s the cooking he doesn’t like.”
—
Because they had finished work a few hours earlier than anticipated, her colleagues offered to have dinner together, which Sol declined most of the time, but maybe it was due to the misty air outside or the full moon in the night sky shining brightly that she suddenly felt melancholic. It was a night she didn’t want to be alone.
Sol didn’t have a strong tolerance for alcohol but it wasn’t necessarily weak either; she easily drank the drink she couldn’t have earlier along with a few more. It wasn’t that she drank a lot but rather the speed of it– the makgeolli bottle they ordered with the pajeon was gone in under ten minutes with no one but Sol pouring it into her cup. Her colleagues had stared at her, not sure if they should be impressed or worried but by the way she looked, she was enjoying herself. She hadn’t been satisfied with a bottle to herself though and ordered a bottle of soju as well. That one took a while to finish but she could already feel the drowsiness caused by the drinks she’d had. She wasn’t drunk yet, no, she was tipsy if anything but maybe because she was still somewhat sober that she remembered the way to Shioh’s place. It didn’t take her long to excuse herself and find her way out of the restaurant, leaving behind worried and confused colleagues as she set foot towards her destination.
One night, when she knew he was secretly chaperoning her home, she couldn’t help but go after him once she made him think she was home. She’d been hoping he wouldn’t notice her while she was following him but seeing his determination, Sol was convinced that even if he had noticed, he wouldn’t have said anything. But tonight would be the night for them to put an end to their childish behaviour and confront each other head-on.
Once she successfully arrived at the apartment building, she was overwhelmed by its scale and questioned how she was supposed to find him between all these residents. Her head was spinning, the alcohol now fully spread in her body and she hesitated, wondering what she was doing there in the first place and contemplated whether she should go home. However, she decided to blame her irresponsibility on the alcohol and proceeded with her plan to meet the man who had been avoiding her.
The building he lived in was big, with multiple people coming in and out even during nighttime. She slowly made her way to the elevators, hoping that the receptionist didn’t think she was suspicious as she stumbled on her steps, and pressed the button pointing upstairs. After getting in, she’d been dumbfounded by the amount of floors this building had and didn’t know which button to push but before she even had the chance to reach for a number, a group of people rushed into the elevator, pushing her to the corner in the back. Just as she was about to curse them in her drunken state, she’d spotted a familiar, tall figure entering to the right when the doors were about to close and hid instinctively behind the stranger in front of her. She tilted her head slightly to see whether that certain someone had noticed her, only for him to turn in her direction, making her tug at the stranger’s coat and use his back as a hiding place. Thankfully, it seemed like he didn’t see her and he pressed the button with the number 11 on, making Sol let out the breath she had been holding in. She then noticed the judging gazes around her, including the man she had been using as a shield, and let go, straightening her posture while still making herself small so she wouldn’t be spotted. She quietly took her scarf and wrapped it over her head, trying to conceal her flushed face as much as possible. Her heart was beating faster with each second and she felt as if she was back to the day she had met Shioh for the first time; the nervousness that had appeared upon his presence, not knowing what to do when she saw him in front of her and the smile he had shown her. For a long time after their first encounter, that smile had been the cause for her heart to tremble, for the corners of her lips to curl up involuntarily and for her to kick her blanket in embarrassment.
Now, when she thought of that moment, she realized that that smile hadn’t been genuine.
During these past years, she had gotten used to watching him from afar– how he interacted with his employees, with his clients, how he smiled and joked with them, yet all of these interactions felt empty and meaningless. That’s how it ought to be, she thought, after all, his rank was the highest out of all, no one wanted to befriend their boss and everyone had to please their customers—that was how things went.
Then the moment of him with the racket flashed before her eyes.
The cold gaze on his face, the black veins on his neck, the pleads and his indifference. It had been so vivid, she almost forgot the person from that memory was only a few people away from her and watched him exit the elevator. She stood still for a few minutes. Others in the elevator had left one by one and after some time it had been just her.
Sol had told Shioh that she knew there was good in him, but how had she been so sure of it? What was it that made her so certain when the person she thought she knew best, was just a made-up persona, covering up a stranger she barely knew? Who even was his true self? How had she been sure that it wasn’t the monster he told her he was?
She took in a deep breath and pressed the number 11 on the elevator.
A few years ago when she was in the worst state of her life, every day had been a struggle for her, keeping herself alive was a chore she had begun to give up on. Yet, when even waking up became more difficult day by day, even when it pained her to put on an act, she had always pretended she was doing fine. She would put on a smile and laugh whenever someone made a joke, maybe pull a joke herself. She would pretend that she wasn’t hurting, that she was just tired from work and not from the sleepless nights of crying in the darkness. During that time, she had met countless people and went out of her way to interact with them as much as possible. Yet, not once had she formed a meaningful relationship with them. It wasn’t something she was interested in. She was so caught up in her survival that she didn’t let anyone get too close to her. She didn’t want to be a burden, she didn’t want to hurt any further because what if it would lead to another disappointment? She wouldn’t have been able to carry any more weight on her shoulders.
But that had changed when she met him.
She had been used to carrying a sense of emptiness, always wearing a fake smile while merely existing but then she was met with a sudden burst of feelings, going through overwhelming emotions, be it positive or negative. Even the pain of this unrequited love made her feel more alive than her years spent in isolation and loneliness.
She exited the elevator when she arrived at floor 11 and walked through the corridors, looking out for the name she couldn’t get out of her mind.
She recalled the day their story truly started; the day she suddenly found herself in his office. It was since then she saw a difference in his behaviour. The distance he usually maintained between people had seemed to disappear when they were together. She thought of how he was teasing her, his dimples showing up as he smiled, giving her a warm feeling in her chest she had long forgotten.
Sol wasn’t confident whether her judgement of him had been true or if she was just blinded by her feelings but as she was walking past all those doors in search of Shioh, she finally understood the mysterious note that was left in her journal;
“I might not be able to remember some things,
but there’s only one thing I cannot forget;
Ryu Shioh needs me.”
It didn’t matter if Shioh had been putting on an act for all this time because she knew, all he needed was someone to stop him from playing a role others had given him and finally find his true self.
And Sol wanted to be the one.
By now, the alcohol she had drunk mindlessly had caused her to lose her sense of time so she couldn’t tell how long it took for her to finally find a door with the name Ryu Shioh next to it. She took off her scarf and placed it onto her shoulder, fanning herself for a little bit as the air conditioning and the drinks from earlier almost caused her a heatstroke. She looked at the name plaque again, hoping it wasn’t a stranger with the same name, and formed her hand into a fist. And with an exhale, she knocked on the door.
“Daepyonim,” she called out drowsily and knocked again after waiting for a moment.
“Daepyo–“she was about to address him formally again but halted and remembered why she’d even come all this way. The person on the other side of this door was the one who made her promise to stay by his side, kissed her and then pretended as if nothing had ever happened between them. With that, she felt a sudden wave of anger overcome her.
She gave out a chuckle at her politeness and took a step back. She curled her sleeves up and knocked again, harder this time. Sol wasn’t someone who succumbed to anger; whenever something unfair happened to her, something that would cause anyone else to fume with rage, she accepted it with grace and moved on. It took a lot of effort to get upset and Sol didn’t have any energy to spare. However, there was a fire within her that was ablaze when it came to him. He was the only exception, making her see sides of her she wasn’t aware of.
“Ryu Shioh” she exclaimed with the confidence the alcohol had provided her.
“Ya, Ryu Shioh, come out.” She leaned against the door frame and continued knocking impatiently.
“Come out already! Are you really not coming?” Her voice had gotten quieter but she stood firmly in front of the door, waiting for him adamantly. And just when she was about to knock again, the door in front of her opened widely.
“Oh! The door opened!”
Sol thought out loud before realizing who had opened it. But when she looked closely at him, she wasn’t sure if she had the right door. Shioh was wearing nothing but a black bathrobe and matching sweatpants; it somehow felt weird seeing him in casual clothing. She wasn’t used to seeing him in anything else than a suit and tie.
Drops fell from his damp hair down from his temples to his cheekbones and finally to the bruise on his jaw. His pale skin was covered in different hues, and His eyes were surrounded with eyebags and wounds. There seemed to be barely healed cuts on his eyebrows and lips as well.
It had been a few weeks since Pavel’s men had ambushed and dragged him into a fight, though it had a predestined outcome. Given their many connections, Shioh knew it was only a matter of time until they found out about his whistleblowing and sought him out for punishment. Yet one thing Pavel and his bootlickers always seemed to miss was the fact that Shioh used to be one of them. He had been their best recruit— killing him wouldn’t be so easy. The only thing they had managed was to injure him severely.
Although the damage both on his face and body—a few broken ribs and a punctured abdomen— wasn’t the worst he had been through, he couldn’t risk being seen by Sol in his current state and wanted to recuperate in secret— a plan that had failed the second he decided to open the door.
“Surprised? You’re not the only one who can secretly walk someone home.”
He had suspected that Sol might’ve caught on to his visits but he couldn’t hide his astonishment. Even earlier in the elevator, when he thought he sensed a familiar scent, he convinced himself he was just imagining things. Never had he thought she would actually appear in front of him. Ryu Shioh had been taught to read humans like books, to analyse and be one step ahead of them but with her— all he had learnt was useless. Sol would always find a way to leave him speechless.
Not knowing what to say, he tightened his grip on the doorknob and inhaled deeply.
Sol watched him— his eyes avoided her as usual, not holding onto her yet not letting her go as well. He just stood there without any movement. A few moments ago, she wanted to scream at him, curse him off and demand an explanation so she could ease her anger. Now, however, she was filled with a sudden sadness, the pain she had been ignoring hitting her all at once without any notice. She gritted her teeth and looked away from him, feeling her eyes burning.
“Ya, did—” she blinked a few times in hopes of getting rid of the tears and turned back to him.
“Did you not miss me at all?”
There was a crack in her voice, her hands firmly holding onto her coat that her knuckles had turned white. The corners of his lips slightly curled up, his eyes glistening as they eventually landed on her.
“What do you think?” He finally spoke, his voice hoarse and barely audible yet loud enough for her to hear.
“How could you bear not seeing me?”
“I couldn’t.”
“Then why didn’t you come at all this week?”
It was silent again.
“I waited.”
As he noticed her trembling lips and her clenched jaw, he realized that even when he tried not to hurt her, he had managed to do just that.
“I… I didn’t want you to see me like this.”
Despite his shaking voice, he put on a cheerful expression. Both were looking at each other with a smile, wilfully ignoring the tears rolling down their faces. Sol didn’t know for how long they stood like that, forcing themselves to hold back while the silence was slowly eating them away. It was only when she ran into his arms that she realized it must’ve been an eternity. Shioh was almost frozen to the ground with his hand still on the knob, looking at the spot Sol had stood—now empty. Feeling her warmth against his chest finally made him realize the stupidity of his decision. What use was distance when she was all he could think of when even just a glimpse of her made him impatient for the next day, when she wanted him as much as he wanted her? He had already wasted most of his life living without her, now that she was there, how could he ever think of living apart from her?
With that realization, it was as if his body had reacted instantly and he wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly as she quietly cried into his chest.
After some time, Sol calmed down and wiped away her tears, her head still resting against his chest. She hadn’t realized how much she had missed him. She thought she could continue living out her love by herself but she knew she had been lying to herself. Not being the only one do to so was the only thing that heightened her spirits.
“Judging by your decision skills, I bet you deserved that beating.”
She joked as she sniffed and jabbed him playfully into his stomach, but when she was greeted by him wincing, Sol immediately backed away and shot a glance at him. She saw him pressing his lips together and covering the side of his stomach immediately, so– without thinking– she reached for his bathrobe and, after some resistance, revealed the bandages around his waist and chest.
“What is this?!”
Still taken aback by her stripping him shirtless, he tried to put his bathrobe back on and shook his head. For him, this was as common as a cold so he didn’t worry about it too much.
“It’s nothing serious.”
“What do you mean it’s nothing serious?!” Sol exclaimed, annoyed by his indifference. She waited for a moment and then closed the door behind them, taking him by the hand and walking around his ridiculously big apartment.
“You need to rest, where is the bedroom?”
Shioh pointed to the room on her right, obediently following her steps.
She carefully helped him lie down on his bed, took off her coat and went ahead to wash her hands. When she came back, she held the first aid kit she’d found on the bathroom counter and walked to the bed.
He watched her sit down on his bed and push her hair behind her ears, revealing her rosy cheeks and red nose. Looking at her, Shioh felt like he was able to breathe again, as if there had been clouds of fog in his chest that cleared upon her arrival.
“Open up.” He hadn’t realized he had been staring at her until she prompted him to take off his robe again while taking out supplies from the kit.
“What?”
“I’m going to change the bandages.”
“I already changed them, there’s no need to.”
Because someone was calling him out impatiently, he had to rush to take care of his wounds but at least the bigger ones were covered with new bandages already.
“Either you do it or I will,” Sol replied firmly, ready with a bandage in her hand. He slowly crossed his arms and tilted his head, eyebrows furrowed together suggesting he was up to no good.
“Why are you so keen on seeing me shirtless? I think you might have other intentions.”
Sol was left speechless by his shamelessness and felt the blood rushing to her face, warming her cheeks as if she wasn’t burning already. She looked at his hands, laid on top of each other to cover his chest, and scoffed.
“Who wants to see you shirtless?!” She exclaimed only to see his mouth curl up into a smile as her eyes betrayed her by staring a second too long at his chest. Feeling wronged, she took the ointment next to her and moved closer to him, the cut below his eyebrow becoming the victim of her sneak attack. She suddenly felt guilty after hearing him hiss in pain but tried not to show it, proceeding to apply the medicine. Although his wound was burning lightly, he couldn’t help but have a grin on his face in the meantime he had gotten closer to him and held his chin between her fingers.
Her eyebrows were still furrowed from his teasing but she tried to be as gentle as possible while tending to his bruises so he didn’t hurt. With the little distance between them, Shioh felt a light scent of alcohol brush against his skin. He followed her movements carefully as if he was entranced—how she put on the ointment, turned around to get a band-aid and how carefully placed it on his wound. From her eyelashes to her lips, her undone curls laying on her collarbones and the slightly smudged mascara, there were no words to explain the feelings she made him feel. He was simply taken away by her no matter what she did, no matter how she looked.
But as he watched her, he felt an uneasiness creep up in his chest with a sudden heaviness weighing on his heart. He thought about the times he had to clean up his wounds by himself; the times he cried in silence, begging the bleeding to stop. How he would end up with new bruises when the others hadn’t even healed yet, getting told that his scars were trophies, a prize given for his victorious fights– all shallow words to stop him from realizing he was nothing but a puppet.
Slowly, his hand reached Sol’s face and he carefully, gently, placed it on her cheek, making her look up to meet his gaze and her hands halt their movements.
She knew he had been watching her quietly, curious about what he was thinking. She had tried to avoid his eyes on her but when she felt the nervousness in his touch, she couldn’t help but meet his eyes.
“What’s the matter?” she almost whispered as he continued to stare at her in silence. Shaken up from his trance, his eyes widened and he tried to remove his hand, only for Sol to press her palm against it and hold it firmly.
Seeing his hand which was usually covered with blood and injuries caress her skin, he felt an indescribable feeling in his chest, something that felt like guilt, panic even. Shioh didn’t know what it was to be taken care of. He was flustered at the thought of someone being worried about him and felt undeserving of it. Everything about Sol was like a dream come true, she was the saviour he thought he would never have, but he wondered if it was selfish for him to be with her. She shouldn’t have to waste her time fixing someone broken.
“I wonder if this will be alright,” he mumbled, more to himself than for her to hear. He avoided looking at her, his hand still embraced by her warm touch.
Sol watched him, his eyes were on their hands with a smile on his lips. It was the kind of smile she had seen him do too often; one that was too polite, too insincere, more for the person in front of him to see rather than to express how he felt.
She slowly brought their hands down, placing them on her lap while not letting go of him.
“What will?”
She asked obliviously while she caressed his knuckles instead of facing him. Some parts were still bruised, changing colours from red to purple to yellow. Some parts were scraped off and when her fingertips gently brushed over his skin, she wondered how many wounds it had taken for it to become this rough.
“Us.”
His voice was quiet, his eyes watching her movements on his skin before he gently took her hand and interlocked their fingers.
“This.”
Sol was almost sobered up by now but her face still felt warm from the alcohol, her cheeks flushed as a childish stubbornness came over her, annoyed yet anxious about his question because unlike her, he had the courage to ask it out loud.
With a life, she now somewhat enjoyed living, loneliness and grief were still things that accompanied her inevitably. Despite being certain it was getting better, she would find herself at her lowest, scared she was only one step away from slipping back into the darkness. She knew she would always find her footing back, she wasn’t as helpless as she used to be…but what if this gave her the last push? As much as she liked him, she couldn’t confidently say the same about his feelings. She wouldn’t allow herself to stay at a place where she wasn’t truly wanted but she couldn’t deny the pain she would go through if this were to end up in a heartbreak.
Her gaze was glued on their hands; entangled with one another, none of them willing to let go, his bruised fingers holding onto her tightly.
“Why wouldn’t it be… Don’t you want it to be?”
“It’s the only thing I want.” He answered without any hesitation, making her lift her eyes and look at him. A soft smile appeared on his lips, revealing the small cut on his lip.
“I spent my life with hatred and pain and I don’t want to do that any more. I’m exhausted.” For a moment, he just watched her and saw a different life ahead of him with her by his side. Now, that was the only thing he was willing to fight for. He took in a deep breath and moved closer; he didn’t want to keep anything from her any more.
“Ever since I met you, I started to hope again. The safety I hadn’t felt in years, I felt it in your arms and your warmth. But these aren’t feelings I’m used to. I’m scared that I will ruin it. I—I don’t know how to love someone.”
Shioh felt a wave of fear rush over him. He had never learned to love and show affection, how could he if he was never shown any of it? He always had a vague memory of seeing a boy his age once as a child. He remembered the emptiness in his chest when he had seen him laugh and play with his parents. Even when the boy fell and scraped his knee, all he had felt was envy. Shioh couldn’t recall if the boy had cried after that, if he was even in pain or not, all that remained in his memories was his father quickly picking him up, the worried expression on his face and the comfort of his mother. When he’d seen her caress the boy’s cheek, he felt his own hand move gently on his face, wondering how someone else’s touch could be any different than his own. Only when he had felt Sol’s touch as he did now, did he understand the solace of being cared for, being comforted and held and what agony it was to have missed out on it until now. He felt sorry for his past selves; that he had wasted his life being blinded by hatred. And now he was offered a chance, a chance to let love guide him instead— a chance he wasn’t willing to let go.
“But I want to learn… I want to give you the love you deserve.”
The tear falling from her eye chilled her flushed cheeks as they rolled down to her chin, her whole body frozen in place. This wasn’t something she liked to think about but, Sol had always hoped that she was loved unconditionally once and brought a smile to her parent’s faces, happiness to her brother and comfort to her grandmother. She wanted to believe in a time when she, too, was important to someone and not unlovable. She convinced herself she knew what love was, how to love and accept it, just so it would find her easier. Yet now, she realized that wasn’t true. She looked at him and his hopeful gaze, a light shimmering in his brown eyes as he waited for a reaction. It seemed she had been wrong about whatever she thought of love because as soon as he said those words, she encountered an unfamiliar feeling. Her heart felt heavy as if she wanted to sob, yet full of laughter that a smile formed on her lips. Blood was rushing through her body, excitement through her veins, but all she could do was sit still and look at him in awe.
She slowly brought her palm against his face and cupped his cheek. Her thumb was carefully caressing the band-aid on his right brow before placing a gentle kiss on the bruise. Her lips moved below, kissing the light purple mark on his cheekbone, even the bruise on his nose bridge with both her hands holding his face now. Shioh could only watch her, his lips parted as he tried to remain calm despite the increasing speed of his heartbeat. She put her forehead softly against his, her heart beating as fast as his, if not faster.
“We can learn it together,” Sol whispered to him, biting her lip when her attention shifted to his. Shioh froze for a few seconds before inching closer unconsciously, his head slightly tilting as he moved toward her. Yet when the tips of their noses brushed against each other he hesitated, waiting for a sign to continue. Only when she tightened her grip, putting her arms around his neck and pulling him into her, he finally leaned in and pressed his lips against hers. He tasted the bitterness in her breath, a burning sensation on his bottom lip as he remembered the cut on it, but instead of stopping, he longed for more. In fact, out of all kinds of pain he had experienced, this had to be the sweetest, most entrancing one.
Sol felt his hand move around her waist and pull her closer to him, wandering along her back and resting it against her neck once he was satisfied with their distance, or rather, the lack of it. Before she knew it, her fingers were entangled in his still damp hair, her hands slowly making their way down his neck, then on his chest. It felt as if a flame had awakened in her heart and ignited with every touch, making her crave more— it was exhilarating. She wondered if she had always been this bold or if the alcohol was still to blame, though she believed to be completely sober. When he felt her warmth on his bare skin, he drew back from her reluctantly, his gaze falling on her hand— now gripping the fabric. A mischievous smile was on her swollen and flushed lips as she pulled him by the collar without warning. Taken aback by her brazen behaviour, Shioh was dumbfounded and stared at her wide-eyed. Seeing this reaction, Sol couldn’t help but let out a chuckle and loosened her grip slightly. However, when Shioh caught a glimpse of the dimple next to her lips, it was almost as if he was bewitched— his thumb traced her jaw slowly until it reached her cheek, drawing circles on her skin until he leaned in and placed a kiss on her dimple. The silence in the room was filled with their heavy breaths; their hearts beating in unison with tension lingering in the air. His fingertips wandered along her jaw, his thumb brushing against her lips as he placed his hand below her chin. Maybe he had been the one intoxicated, he thought, or maybe it was the first time he had actually felt at peace that he laughed to himself, a wide smile appearing on his face. Being alive was something that had tormented him day and night, a torture he thought he either had to live or die with—who would’ve thought that now, he was thankful for it?
“Sol-ah,” he whispered, his voice making her heart skip a beat. He put a strand of hair behind her ear and rested his hand on her cheek.
“Thank you.”
“For what?” she asked, leaning into his palm.
“For being the reason I’m alive.”
Shioh hadn’t been the type to believe in fate nor in destiny as he had been convinced whatever forces lay behind them, had abandoned him. Nevertheless, something told him there was a reason he was able to hold on through years of suffering and that the reason was sitting right in front of him.
Sol breathed out, her eyes glistening as they wandered across his face. She was at a loss for words and felt like laughing, though the tears in her eyes suggested otherwise. He had told her he didn’t know how to love, yet there he was, making her feel the love she had longed for years.
She broke out of his grip and pulled him into her, wrapping his arms around him as she buried her face in his neck. He felt her heartbeat against his chest, making him hug her even tighter. The sound of their hearts filled the void in their chests slowly, the emptiness that had grown over the years, disappearing with their embrace. Their past wounds were still hurting them and Sol didn’t know what the future held but maybe it wasn’t time that would heal their scars to begin with.
“Thank you too.”
It was them who had saved each other. It was their love for each other that gave them the strength to heal, to change and to live. This moment was meant to happen— they were meant to happen. And nothing was able to change that any more, ever.
—
—
Sol woke up with a heavy feeling on her chest, concern on her face as she lifted her head to see what exactly it was. When she saw the messy brown hair in front of her, she let her head fall back against the bed frame, figuring she had been used as a pillow again. Her fingers slowly went through the hair, caressing it gently to not wake up the person it belonged to but it was only a matter of time until a matching pair of brown eyes had turned to face her, his lips pursed into a pout while waking up slowly.
Sunjae squinted his eyes and looked around the room; the morning sun peeked through the curtains slightly, illuminating their room with a yellowish-orange hue. Some clouds covered the blue sky ever so lightly with birds chirping melodically to announce spring had arrived.
“Good morning,” she said, her hand still placed on his hair.
A pair of dimples greeted her before he laid his head back onto her chest and she felt the arms around her waist holding her tighter.
“Good morning.”
She could hear the smile in his muffled voice and continued to brush his hair with her lips curled up into a smile.
“Did you sleep well?” he asked, his voice raspy from waking up.
“Mn. I assume you did too.” Sol replied jokingly and heard him let out a chuckle before he slid up slowly and rested on her shoulder instead.
“Impossible not to with you by my side.”
Sol tried to push him away for his tacky remark but failed to escape his embrace and remained wrapped in his arms with a defeated yet amused expression on her face. Seeing her smile, he couldn’t help but plant a kiss right under her jaw, laying his head back onto her shoulder with his eyes closed innocently, though he had no plans of going back to sleep.
“Don’t wanna get up?”
“Mn, it’s too comfortable right now.”
She agreed and rested her head against his, her hand caressing the back of his neck softly. Being as busy as they were, they didn’t get many peaceful and calm mornings like this so when they did, they tried to start the day as late as possible. In moments like that, it truly felt like time would slow down just for the two of them and the world moved without haste as if to make up for the time it took from them.
Although many months had already passed, sometimes Sol couldn’t shake off the feeling that she was running out of time, that she would suddenly wake up somewhere entirely different, in a life she was barely familiar with and all her memories just to herself. Her present life seemed to be a dream come true and she was too scared to wake up from it. So every time she woke up next to Sunjae, she treated it as if it was their last because even if it wasn’t, she wanted to take in every single moment of it and stay for him as long as possible.
“Something wrong?” he suddenly asked.
Having sensed the tension in her shoulders, Sunjae’s eyes shifted to her face, seeing her stare off into the distance. She shook her head and brought the blanket closer to them, almost burying both their faces under it.
“Sunjae-ya,” she then started with an eager tone. He hadn’t been sure whether to believe there wasn’t any problem but hearing the curiosity in her voice and calling out his name with such vigour put him at ease immediately.
“Hm?” he replied, his chin resting against her collarbone.
“Do you think the other versions of us are still out there?”
“Other versions?”
“Mn. Like the me who only knew you as an idol or… the you if you hadn’t gotten your memories back.”
“As in parallel universes?”
Sol nodded hesitantly and waited for his response. Truth be told, Sol liked to think of her extraordinary journeys to have been within one universe; that way she didn’t have to think about how in many of them, Sunjae was no longer there. She hated the idea that somewhere out there, he had still suffered because of her, that they were still separated or hadn’t even met each other at all. Just when she was about to tell him to forget it he answered,
“I hope they are.”
Taken aback by his reply, she slowly moved her back against the bed frame, making both of them sit upright. With his head still on her shoulder, Sunjae loosened his grip around her and moved his arms, crossing them against his chest.
“Why?” Sol asked, her eyebrows knitted.
Having been through so much, she assumed he would have the same stance on this matter but hearing him say otherwise confused her.
“If it weren’t for them, we wouldn’t be here either. Even when you only saw me as an idol, it made you try to save me and gave us the chance to start again to begin with.” He explained, his hand slowly making its way to hers and interlocking their fingers.
“And the me who didn’t remember you…” Sunjae let out a chuckle and embraced her arm.
“He would’ve fallen in love with you anyway.”
Sol scoffed and nudged him playfully with her shoulder.
“What makes you so sure about that?”
“Because there’s no universe I wouldn’t fall in love with you,” he said at once, without any hint of doubt that Sol suddenly felt her face warming up. She bit the inner corner of her lips to fight a smile and turned her head away from him even if his eyes were still closed, though he didn’t need them open to know she was flustered.
Unconsciously, her mind drifted to one journey in particular that had felt the strangest to her. Not only had she travelled to a world that was almost completely different from what she knew, but it had also left her with countless questions. She had told Sunjae about it, expecting him to remember those moments just as he did with the others but, weirdly enough, he couldn’t recall anything, leaving her more confused than she was.
“Then what about the story I told you about?”
“…about the CEO?”
From what she had gathered during that short time, Shioh and her had a strictly professional relationship, if one at all. They didn’t seem to have any other relation to one another, let alone the fact that Shioh was too distrustful of others to show his true affection. He seemed to have been lonely for too long to let anyone into his life, which had worried Sol now and then when she was reminded of that odd excursion. She didn’t want him to be trapped in that loneliness and hoped for him to find joy in life.
“I’m sure he’s no exception,” Sunjae answered at once after pondering for a moment and lifted his head from her shoulder to lean it against the bed frame. When he saw Sol’s furrowed eyebrows in response he laughed and kissed her cheek instinctively. An image of a note suddenly appeared in her mind and her brows relaxed, her lips curling up into a delighted smile. Although she wasn’t sure what that note meant or how exactly the Sol of that universe felt towards Shioh, it gave her a sense of relief that he wasn’t alone.
“Even if he is,” he said, his head rested against hers,
“I think it goes to show that we would always find each other, no matter who we are or where we are.” Sunjae lifted their entangled hands above the blanket and planted a kiss on her knuckles.
“Because there’s no me without you, Im Sol-ssi.”
The sunlight in the room landed on his face, his brown eyes turning into a shade of honey while his lips appeared to be even rosier. Making him look at her, she suddenly grabbed his face and cupped it firmly with one hand, slowly swaying his head from left to right.
“Sunjae-ssi, you’re such a smooth talker!”
A grin rose from his mouth and, without hesitation, he pressed his lips against hers, giving her a kiss as sweet as his words and put his hands around her waist to pull her into him, making her fall into his arms.
Although it was scary and reminded her of the pain she had gone through, her heart warmed up at the thought of having a love that ascended through multiple lifetimes. It didn’t matter if their stories were good or bad, ended happily or in tragedy— it was the moment that counted. Just as they were lying together in bed, kissing each other through giggles with the room filled with their laughs, she wanted to believe that infinite versions of them shared the same joy; if not now, someday. Because with a fate intertwined like theirs, she knew they were tied together in every timeline and every universe.