Chapter Text
REMUS
Finding Roman in the woods for their somewhat newly scheduled weekly rendezvous was never hard because he always found Roman in the same place when he went looking. It wasn't surprising that the castle was Roman’s safe space, but Remus would never begrudge him such a harmless vice.
So when Roman was nowhere to be found in their castle Remus was understandably confused, and maybe a little irrationally worried. Remus tried to make it a point not to worry - his thoughts were only controllable to a certain degree and if he slipped… He shook his head to erase the line of thought. The last time he'd slipped he'd been out of commission for hours, but more importantly than thoughts of slipping was Roman .
Remus took a steadying breath as he let himself settle with the knowledge that the worry hadn't started at finding an empty castle. That vision in the mirror was still seared into his mind like a brand into flesh. It flashed across his mind’s eye again - the bloody teeth, the throne branches dangerously close to dull, lifeless eyes. The complete desolation.
It took a moment of concentration, but Remus was able to sense out Roman’s general location in their massive forest.
He slid out of the castle and leapt head first into one of his mirror ponds, tucking up and out the pond on the other side in a small tumble, “ Rooooman ! I found you! You didn’t tell me today was Hide and Seek.” He slipped from tree to tree, finally able to make out his brother’s frame a little ways away. Remus made a tutting sound as he finally sidled up to him, “That wasn't very nice. And it wasn't very sportsmanlike either!”
Roman traced a couple pages fluttering from a tree branch, but he turned to Remus with his characteristic smile, “Oh, I must have lost track of time! Sorry Re. I didn't mean to make you come looking for me.”
Remus studied the smile painting his brother's face. It looked worn thin like a shirt that had been worn until it was threadbare and clinging together by threads. His eyes were tired. Remus thought he might see pain . And that… that wasn't something he wanted. The intensity and clarity of the thought shouldn't have been surprising but it was.
Remus had spent so long being envious of Roman. Envious of what he had, what he could do, what he represented, who he was . There were so many days the thoughts playing behind his closed eyes featured Roman in a starring role. So many days he spent feeling like he didn't deserve his brother’s attention for having thoughts like these. To realize that none of those thoughts were true was such a sudden and unexpected release that Remus hadn't known he was waiting for.
“Ro…” Remus dragged his name out, feeling in the dark for the right words to say. For the right thing to do. Remus wasn't good at these conversations - this was always someone else’s job. He pulled in a breath, exhaling the next words out in a small tumble, “I wanted to talk to you. I wanted to ask if you're al-”
“Oh, shoot!” Roman reached at his hip holster, looking up at Remus sheepishly, “I forgot my sword today. Looks like we might need to raincheck that duel! Sorry Re.”
Deflection. Roman's native language. Remus set his jaw and pressed forward, “I want to ask if you're okay. You seem- I just. I want you to be okay. Ro, I need you to be okay.”
It felt raw, too open and exposed. Worst of all it felt honest . Honesty felt dangerous. But Remus had played with fire so many times before this, and he had to be ready.
Roman's smile crumbled in on itself in a way that reminded Remus of Logan’s explanation of how a star implodes. He took a step closer to Remus and stumbled. Remus caught him by the arm, “Oh, Ro…” He pulled Remus into a tight hug. Roman folded, tucking close for comfort while he cried silently into Remus’s shoulder. Comfort might not be Remus’s specialty but damn if he didn't know his brother.
It took some time, but eventually Roman pulled himself out of Remus's hold to wipe at his eyes. They both sat down right where they were on the path and lived in the quiet for a while. Remus wasn't sure how long had actually passed listening to birds calling out and the wind rustling the paper leaves, but eventually Roman cleared his throat.
“I think… I think I'm making things worse.”
Remus frowned, eyes narrowing in thought, “I can't say I can see where you're coming from in this instance.”
Remus knew his brother, but he didn't expect the strangled sound that ripped from Roman’s mouth like it had been dragged up his throat and twisted, punctuating it with a punch to the tree beside him.
“No! You don't get it . I'm fucking this up! ” His voice reverberated through the woods, guttural and tight like a bow string. Remus grabbed Roman's hand immediately, pulling the already-swelling and bleeding appendage into his lap.
Roman sniffled again as Remus pulled some first aid supplies from his waist pouch, starting to clean the wounds on his knuckles. His voice was quieter this time, barely above a whisper and raspy like he might lose his voice, “I'm hurting Thomas. I'm hurting us . I keep… I keep disappointing everyone. I'm not good enough . I- I can't do this by myself anymore, Re.”
Remus’s mind was a hamster wheel, endlessly whirling in unmoving circles. Words weren't his strong suit at all . Why was it he was the only one who'd noticed something was wrong? Surely someone else would be better for this conversation.
Roman’s next words halted Remus’s thoughts instantly.
“I want us to re-fuse.”
His brain was short circuiting, surely. This couldn't be real, “Ro, I…-”
“I've thought about it a lot. Listen, Re, we have control of everything here, right? The only limitation is our imagination! Remember? We can do this .”
“I… yes I- that does make logical sense, I think but… But we only have control of everything here . In Imagination. We couldn't be fused at home.” Remus felt like someone else was talking, disconnected from his own words while his brain tried desperately to restart like a car engine turning over repeatedly.
Roman nodded, a small but real smile appearing on his lips, “Yeah, see, I thought about that. When we fuse, I think Imagination would have to become our home. We'd have to stay here. But- But maybe eventually we can get good enough at it for it to become real . Wouldn't that be amazing ?”
Remus thought about it. He thought about how good it would feel to have a full capacity for his function. He thought about how nice it would be not to be plagued with intrusive thoughts bombarding his mind like bombs. He thought about how much he wanted to build better relationships with the others.
“But… it wouldn't be real, Ro.”
Roman went quiet for a minute, the smile wiped from his face instantaneously. He dragged his eyes back up to meet Remus’s.
“I… please . Remus I need… I can't anymore.” Roman's eyes drifted up to their lilac sky, sad and exhausted, “None of my ideas are good enough. I need you. We were never actually meant to be separate, remember? I just… want to feel like I can still help.”
Without another argument Remus stood up, offering his hand to his brother and pulling him to his feet, “Okay. Okay, so how do we do this? Just… imagine it? Together?”
Roman squeezed his hand, a genuine grin splashed over his face, “That's the idea! On the count of three!”
“One-”
“Two-”
“ Three .”
PATTON
The thing about Patton, specifically Patton liking someone is that he'd have to be ready to take that step. It's one thing finding your found family and admitting you love them, but trying to start a relationship? He felt like he wasn't allowed that grace. Why should he deserve to have one after his past mistakes? After the numerous ways he continuously failed to help. It was selfish to want so much.
And the thing about Patton, specifically Patton liking Janus , is that he knew Janus would break him, and he'd do it gently like the sea rolling into shore still water days. He knew that Janus would see him, really see him . And being seen felt like such an ugly thing.
Patton had listened through Janus’s explanation of the visions he'd been getting at random intervals during the day, had listened to the horrific descriptions of their family being torn apart. He listened to Janus describe figures merging together and falling apart again, different and less each time. He listened to Janus describe figures ripping themselves in two, and fusing themselves back together stitch by stitch more monstrous every time.
Virgil had left pretty quickly after. He had always needed space to process, and Patton made a mental note to check in him later or at least being him dinner. Janus had risen too, cleaning up their tea and snacks before heading for the exit.
Patton caught him at the door.
“I think… We need to talk about that.” Patton could feel the smallest quiver in his voice and begged himself not to let it crack.
Janus feigned confusion, pressing a hand to his chest in a dramatization of emotion, “I don't know what you mean. I already told you everything I know about Roman-”
“About what you said about me .”
Janus went silent, the facade dropping almost instantly. Patton wished not for the first time that he could read the emotions lurking in the waters under Janus’s cool demeanor. After several tense seconds that felt dragged into hours, he sighed.
“Patton. I'm sorry for losing my temper. I just… you're so optimistic. And that's wonderful. It’s sketching I… admire in you. But you have to understand that my function is to keep us safe . You trust and love and believe so blindly, because that's who you're supposed to be. But I don't have that luxury.” The discomfort was palpable, but Patton soaked in the words, parched like dry earth, “I have to prepare us for the worst case scenario. And well meaning platitudes just… they won't do much in the face of real problems.”
Patton swallowed and he stared at a small stain on Janus’s rug. He wondered if it was from Remus’s wild tendencies to make nigh uncleanable messes. The words he meant to come out confidently felt so small in his mouth, “I… don't know what else to do.”
He was failing .
“I- I have to go.”
“Wait, Patton-”
“I'm sorry, I'm so sorry-”
“Wait! I-”
Patton slammed the door between them, racing for his own. He barely even registered blowing past Logan and nearly knocking him over in the process.
Only when his door was shut and locked behind him did he gasp in heaping breaths of air. It felt like he might never breathe again, like he was choking on himself, like he was dying . His mind was endless tidal waves of grief and hurt and shame .
Because he was failing.
He couldn't stop the thought as it snowballed out of control in his mind, growing too large to stop as it wrecked everything it ran into. He clutched at his head, rocking just slightly in an effort to calm himself. When Patoon heard his voice he nearly broke completely.
“Well look look looky who’s feeling sorry for himself again. Not that I'm surprised.” The monster’s feet shuffled into view, and Patton slowly slid his eyes up to land on Shame’s face. As usual it was stretched into an awful, horrifying grin, all sharp teeth and thin lips.
Shame’s black, lightless eyes flicked over Patton. He shuddered when they narrowed like they'd found a target. The silk of his voice did nothing to ease the burn of his words, “What? Too good to talk to me? Oh so high and mighty you are. Look at you. You think you're better than people.”
“No I- Of course I don't!”
“ Please. ” The monster rolled his eyes dramatically to make up for his lack of irises and pupils, “If that were true then you wouldn't still be avoiding Reeemuuus!” Their sing-songy voice was grating in the ears but his laugh was worse - nearly like a high pitched cackling sound reminiscent of fire burning woods into ashes, “But you are , aren't you? Because you still can't bring yourself to like him! You can't stand him!”
“I- that isn't true .” Patton insisted in a small, right voice.
“Face it, Patty-cake - you're a terrible person . You're selfish , you're callous , you're useless , and you hide it all under this ridiculous happy-go-lucky persona. You're a liar .”
Fresh sobs wracked through him, his whole chest aching deeply like his ribs were cracked, “No… no. I don't hate him. Please . I just can't- I can't explain -”
“Explain what?” Shame’s tone was baiting, “Explain why you spent years demonizing him for something he can't control? Years pretending like you were better than him to make yourself feel better ?
“ YES !” The scream tore from him like he was losing a limb, “ Yes . I'm sorry . I- you're- I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have and I did and I've been awful . I'm awful! I hate myself for what I did! I- I can't be perfect like I want to be- because I'm rotten . Is that what you want to hear ?!”
Shame was blessedly silent while Patton gathered himself, but he could still see the monster’s shoes in his field of vision. He knew when he looked up that he'd be terrified. He always was. Slowly he let his eyes slide upward, eyes locking onto Shame’s cruel facsimile of Remus.
He looked like him in almost every way but the eyes. Patton continued to stare, getting lost in the tar-like blackness. Shame continued to stare back.
REMUS
Leading Logan back out of the woods had put Remus in an excellent mood, even if things that day hadn't gone to plan. So much had happened that it felt like a lifetime later when he finally made it to the mini fridge in his room to grab himself a Faygo.
The fusion had gone well. Or at least, he thought it had.
He and Roman had fused . He sipped his soda idly, trying to figure out if he felt any different. There were still fire ants under his skin and hornets in the corners of his mind, and he still felt the same way he had felt before. But it worked . It worked until it didn't.
The fusion was perfect at first - equal control between each of them blending into a pool of colorful thoughts and fresh ideas. They'd gone to the castle ruins to sketch out some plans and daydream themselves something new. The trouble came when a shimmering figure approached their time-crumbled castle. Curiosity won out and Creativity had gone to meet the visitor head on.
Logan looked exactly like he remembered, but older. And more than that, he still sounded like Logan. A match struck itself in his chest, warming them from the inside out but was quickly rocked away by a cold wave of disagreeable confusion trying to push the emotion away.
All at once there wasn't one mind working in their body, but two . And two minds meant twice the thoughts, nearly entirely unchecked. As they tried to speak their cohesion reached a record amount of discord and then they were falling apart. It felt like they were tearing apart actually.
Remus frowned. They'd have to find a smoother dismount the next time they tried. He still felt rough, like his edges were sharper than they'd been before. He felt less in control.
Setting his Faygo to the side, Remus crossed his legs and shut his eyes. He focused on recording his thoughts, arranging them like Logan had taught him, while breathing deeply and evenly. Slowly, gently, Remus’s thoughts became his own again, and he started to relax.
He was just settling on the idea of going to bed early that night when it happened. Remus didn't get visions in the same sense his fellow sides did - they were more often than not entirely auditory with no visual feedback. They were always another sides's uncontrollable intrusive thoughts.
As far as Remus could tell it only happened when the thoughts hit a spiraling point, whoever was caught in their thrall unable to help themselves to get free from their grip. If he focused hard, he could pinpoint who’s thoughts he was hearing and go to help them. It felt nice to have a purpose that was more than just bad ideas and containment for bad thoughts.
Remus had just started arranging his nest of blankets when a cascade of, ‘You’re a terrible person. You just like to make yourself feel better . You don't actually care. You're rotting from the inside out. You don't deserve their attention, you don't deserve their trust , you don't deserve their love . If they knew they'd leave you .”
Before Remus could think clearly he was digging into his mind’s eye to find who needed him. It didn't sound like Logan or Roman. The answer hit him like a physical blow.
Patton , he thought, worrying at his lip.
Patton had only been pinpointed by Remus a handful of times before, and each time Remus had never sought him out to fix it. It wasn't that he didn't want to, but Remus knew that he was probably the last person Patton would want to see. He certainly couldn't expect to have Patton’s trust.
But this was different from the times before. This was intense and unrelenting, and it wasn't stopping . It wasn't even slowing down. It kept going, and going, and going. It was nearly as bad as Remus’s own intrusive thoughts which spoke volumes.
It took him less than five minutes to decide. Remus pulled on his sleep pants and a T-shirt, sliding into slippers before sliding out his door and into the main area of the house. He was so focused on his task that he almost missed Logan coming his way with a concerned frown.
“Remus, are you alright?”
With a nod he shot the other man a smile, eyes going soft for a second when they met Logan's, “Yes, I'm fine. I'm just- Have you seen Patton?”
Logan’s brow creased and he nodded slowly, “I just ran into him in the hall not too long ago. He was in a rush… I believe he was heading to his room. Is he alright?”
He contemplated how to answer, but ultimately decided discretion was the best option to hold Patton’s trust, “I think so. I just need to talk to him about something! You should get to bed - you had a long day!”
Logan smiled, and his eyes dropped back into a content tiredness, “Alright then. Have a good night Remus.”
“Night Lo-bot!”
Once Logan was safely tucked away in his room Remus continued towards Patton’s. Patton’s room was unique in that it was at the end of a hallway and up some stairs. They each had fairly unique places for their rooms, but Patton’s was the only room with its own hallway. Remus stopped once he reached the door and hesitated outside it.
He raised his hand as if he were going to knock but something stopped him. Patton was upset. Remus made Patton upset. No matter what Remus wanted, suddenly appearing on Patton's doorstep was bound to be an awful idea. Remus pursed his lips tightly, gnawing a tender spot into his lower lip.
Slowly, Remus reached out to press his hand to the wood of the door. The surface was textured and cool to the touch. Focusing on that, he reached out mentally, tentative but probing. When he felt his energy make contact with Patton’s, he could feel the jumbled mess of it under his metaphorical fingertips.
Slowly, carefully, he started to untangle the strings one by one, ordering Patton’s mind. He kept the mental touch gentle and comforting, soothing the inflamed areas with slow and methodical comfort. He slowly drew in Patton’s intrusive thoughts to make space for clearer, more pleasant ones to roll through.
Slowly sliding down the door with his shoulder propping him against its surface, Remus kept his hand to the wood and leaned his head against it until eventually, he fell asleep.