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Sejanus knows this is a terrible idea, but he searches deep in his gallery for the photo... of his wedding with Coriolanus. It doesn't take him long to find it, and his first thought is that they look too young. Coriolanus in military dress. Pretending to be a man, and not an unstable young adult in crisis. Sejanus in a white suit. Two months pregnant, and too confused, and scared about the direction of his life.
They were only 19 years old, and they were already joining their lives forever, and bringing a child into the world together. Maybe they should have waited longer before making such a big decision... he wonders if that would have made it work. If becoming a respected doctor would have prevented him from falling so easily into Coriolanus's games. Who surely would have pursued the same path in politics, he could still have been president.
No. He probably would be the president just like now. It didn't feel that Snow's life would have been any different whether or not he had married Sejanus... but his life would have been very different, and it hurts. It is that feeling, tightens his chest, that gives him the strength to go through with this.
He sighs and looks at the watch on his wrist, the time is approaching. Today his marriage ended.
______
He can't help but feel strange as he sits in his father's office, as if he is going to discuss the details of a contract, rather than part with the man he has loved for over ten years but he knows there is no other place he can do this.
Because the truth is that as much as Sejanus wants to think of this as something different, and special. What he would have was a business talk. He and Coriolanus had already been separated for more than three months, living their lives, relating to others... Surely Coriolanus was not alone, he could see the multitude of nameless girls and men who accompanied him. It's bitter to think about it, but that's the reality. Even Sejanus, he had his encounters... just one actually, but a valuable one, a very important one.
Divorce was not happening today, even if the papers were signed today. Their divorce happened the night he took Julius, a suitcase and ran in the middle of the night to his parent's house. Today they would simply discuss the details; the days Coriolanus would take care of Julius, the division of properties, the shares in his father's company... and a couple of other technicalities that made him feel dizzy.
Where was the real repartition of damages? Who would pay for his tears and his broken heart? What would Coriolanus give him besides thanks for an heir and a couple of fun nights? He would never give them for his dedication and sacrifice for sure. Sejanus needed to remind himself of that, and let himself to feel his frustration but his chaotic thoughts were interrupted by the sound of the door opening.
______
Coriolanus is here but there is something unusual about him.
His gaze seems lost, and not only that but there are dark circles under his eyes. He has chapped his lips, some of its buttons are not fastened properly and even his beard looks unkempt…Overall his appearance looks bad. Which makes Sejanus feel nervous because this is Coriolanus, always pretending impossible perfection and the fancy suit he wears with the little rose pin that he used in his important meetings when he was a senator, tells Sejanus that this really was his ex husband's best effort in pretending.
Sejanus tries to quiet his worry and opens his own folder to start reading the papers. He tries with a firm voice at first but hearing from his own mouth aloud the word makes him stop, suddenly overwhelmed, and he realizes that this small gesture it's impossible for him to do. If it was painful to write it, announcing it feels like torture, so he thinks of asking Coriolanus, who was always better at doing this sort of thing: read this kind of documents, with an indifferent expression.
He begins to speak: "Cor-" and stops immediately because it feels wrong to call him by that nickname so intimate. So childish and full of love. One that hasn't ceased to exist if he's honest, so he tries again.
"Coriolanus."
"Coriolanus." Repeat a little further.
"Coriolanus." Try again in vain, it is only until Sejanus tries to touch Snow’s hand that he reacts. At first he blinks, looking a little disoriented as if his head were somewhere else and Sejanus's almost touch is the only thing that could bring him back.
Then their gazes meet. Face to face, in their chairs. There is something akin to sadness in Coriolanus's eyes, and Sejanus knows that in his there is sorrow. A sorrow so great that it suffocated him, but why does Coriolanus look like he wants to cry?
Neither says anything at that moment, they simply look at each other and Sejanus regains his courage, and awkwardly points to the folder that Coriolanus has not even deigned to touch.
He looks at the folder. He knows what's inside. Coriolanus sighs wearily, and covers his face with one of his hands. Is a gesture Sejanus has seen a thousand times. Coriolanus did it every time his head hurt and he decides then that they can't start this if he doesn't ask first the question that always comes back to him every time he sees him in these torturous months because indifference was never Sejanus’s thing.
"Are you okay?"
Coriolanus's other hand, the one where he still had the ring, ends up completely covering his face. He shakes his head in denial to Sejanus's question, after he takes a deep breath, trembling a bit. He looks as if breathing were hard to him. He says nothing more but Sejanus knows better than anyone how hard it is for Coriolanus to admit his weakness and he feels so sorry to see him like this.
Because Coriolanus was not a bad guy. He wasn't right for Sejanus but he wasn't bad. He was just… strange, somewhat misunderstood, and lonely. Very lonely, the type that could count his friends on the palm of his hand and have fingers to spare. Not only that. He never was his forte to open up to them, so he had friends but none of them he knowed his heart to. Nor did he have a family beyond to hold him like Sejanus has. Coriolanus, in exchange, only has Tigris, who always works and Julius, a very small child.
And he used to have Sejanus as part of that family. He still was part of it, as long as he still didn't sign the papers, as long as no one did. Upon reflection, he has to admit that he was much more than family, or he ever had been.
In the past, long ago, before he was Coriolanus’s husband. He used to be Coriolanus's best friend, he used to be his confidant, the only one Snow would tell his worries to and from whom he would listen to advice. Sejanus didn't see why that had to change so he closed his folder before moving his seat closer to Coriolanus's.
"Coriolanus." He calls back. "Coriolanus, what's wrong?,” he persists in his questions and the answer is…a laughter. One strange and mocking, that would have made him angry if it hadn't broken down in a pathetic cry. Coriolanus turns his back then, and does not remove his hands from his face but between sobs Sejanus clear like the day heard the words:
"I'm sorry."
______
He freezes as he watches Coriolanus sob his heart out a million times in front of him. His body jerks hard, climbs down from the chair, spilling his tears on the floor and Sejanus can't help but think that he wasn't prepared for this… He had practiced how it would go in his head. Fearful of his own tears and what Coriolanus would say about them.
In his head Coriolanus would take a seat and look at him cruelly. His gestures would be indifferent as he signed the papers, as if this was not the end of their marriage and love, but a form like the ones he filled out daily. He would say goodbye to him with a coldness that would pierce his soul and haunt Sejanus the months to come.
He would not cry on his knees on the floor in front of Sejanus, covering his face in shame.
Sejanus feels numb, as if this cannot be real, and is a nightmarish dream, from which he cannot wake up. His senses are restored only when Snow places a hand on his knee and reveals tear-filled blue eyes. Swollen eyes on a drenched face, he begins to speak between sobs:
"I'm sorry for everything, Sejanus. For not knowing how to take care of you... For not knowing how to love you as you deserve.... I'm sorry...I’m more sorry because I can't do this,“ and he points to the papers on the desk, “I can't do it. A-actually, I can't do anything without you. I can't even get out of bed or eat. Nor go to work. Oh my… My work. Run Panem. It makes no sense without you, nothing makes sense without you, none of it."
And Coriolanus covered his mouth, as if the words had escaped, without any control, from the depths of his heart. The fear in his eyes confirmed it but in spite of everything he continued with his broken voice.
"I-I know you want to go through with this. That you... —it takes Coriolanus a tremendous effort to complete the sentence— you don't love me anymore."
His voice becomes small as if he were confessing a terrible secret. An ugly truth they both knew.
Sejanus looks at him in horror after he hears those words because that was not true. He still loves him. He loves him, that was the damn problem of it all! How much he loved Coriolanus until nothing else in the world existed, and how...Coriolanus didn't feel the same. He never did, right?…but now Sejanus’s not so sure about that anymore. Coriolanus is a mess. He can see it, but he is a mess for him? Is that really happening? and when he senses that his head is deviating from the present, he gets startled when Coriolanus suddenly clutches the ends of his sweater.
"But please, Sejanus. Please! Give me another chance! Tell me what I have to do to make you love me again. I need you. No. Not only that. I can't live without you. And I mean it. If I have to live another day without you I'd rather you shoot me in the head than sign the papers."
"Coryo no, I don’t want to shoot you." That's all he manages to say, afraid with a knot in his stomach because he doesn't want to. He never wanted to, no matter how many shots he fired in the air, the first few weeks Coriolanus tried to enter his parent's house.
“It would be more merciful.”
Is Coriolanus's answer and Sejanus thinks that's just too much…And impossible. Coriolanus couldn't be serious. He could not believe that dying was preferable to living without Sejanus by his side.
He was simply Sejanus. The boy of the district. Deep down the same frightened boy who was looking from afar at the great Coriolanus in the Academy. Coriolanus, who was always so handsome and intelligent. He was born to be someone in this world unlike Sejanus, too common and idealistic, doomed to die young or to merge with the crowd. He was not as impressive as Coriolanus Snow was. The last Snow, destined to be the president, and he did it. He was now the youngest president in Panem history… he was an immortal figure that was falling apart under his feet.
Why? He asks himself again and again. Why is Coriolanus saying these things? Why is he bowing down to him? And that’s what his confused mind let go:
"Why?"
And Coriolanus looks at him, in a way that frightens him, as if he were gold, as if he were sacred and precious.
"Because it's you... It was always you."
That says nothing, and at the same time it says everything. There are a thousand doubts exploding in Sejanus's head as he hears it, because if it was always him…then why did Coriolanus do so many things that hurt him? Why did he play with his feelings like that?
His dismay is clear in his face.
Coriolanus can see it and try to explain himself: "I don't know how I didn't know it before but it's you Sejanus. It has always been you. I know now because If you had been behind that cage I would have done more than save you with a handkerchief. More than run for you to the districts."
His expression becomes more anguished, his voice fills with desperation.
"For some reason I was always willing to do more for you,” and his grip tightens. There are again tears threatening to fall from his blue eyes, “Tell me Sejanus. D-didn't I do enough by going into that arena for you? By helping you take that little one in your arms? By killing that tribute to save your life? Wasn't it enough that I came back to you when I regained my sanity that girl stole from me? That I let you know the humiliating truth about my family when I go back?
These months together. Our first time together…Julius. Our dear Julius, wasn’t he enough? The doctor Gaul and those mediocre reporters who said horrible things about you…I kill them. Tell me, aren't they enough for you to let me prove that I can love you? That I can try? You really need to know the depth of my repentance...? Because I would kill myself for you, if you asked. I would do it even if you didn't ask, but if you stay far away from me."
"Please, Sejanus. I won't ask you for anything more. I only want you back. I just want to get back our life together as a family."
Sejanus's thoughts are unclear. He looks back, and sees thousands of silent acts of love, and wonders if they were always there, as painfully obvious as they were now. The feeling in his chest, bitter and suffocating, disappears, he feels relief and longing, after a lifetime of thinking that he was the only one who loved deeply.
The one that gave everything to Coriolanus until there was nothing left, now suddenly he woke up with a wilted, dying rose in his lap. A lovely rose, who says what has always flooded in his dreams. What his heart has always longed for. What seemed like pious lies he told to himself to endure his unbearable life, was actually a truth.
So terrible and beautiful.
And Sejanus didn't know at what point, his hands began stroking Coriolanus's hair. He rests his face in his lap, and his rapid breathing and uncontrollable cries seem to calm down by the gesture. There is peace between the two, at the familiar gesture. Sejanus has done this many times in the past, in the sweetest moments he remembers at Coryo's side.
His Coryo.
There is only an incessant murmur, coming from the lips of his beloved that interrupts the tranquility: "Please. Please. Please. Please. Please", "I need you. I need you. I need you," and "I love you." Once the words are pronounced Coriolanus repeats them with more force, and Sejanus holds his face in his hands, he forces his husband to look at him, and leans down until their foreheads touch. That is the answer. A decision Coryo understands and he wants to make.
It makes no sense to go on with this divorce nonsense. Not when Coriolanus is kissing his lips, and rising up to wrap his arms around him. Not when he loved him as much as Sejanus had.
______
Snow is happy, though he cannot forget what Sejanus has done to him. The way he has seen him, so weak and sad. He is no angel and he will make his husband pay, someday, for seeing his bleeding heart.
For having made him love.