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If I was stuck in a room filled with people I know, not a single one of them would pick me.
And that's fine, I think. I'm not the most social person out there.
I'm not the prettiest or the smartest. I'm not the strongest or friendliest. I can't get along with anyone because I'm not used to it. I don't really understand how to interact with anyone else.
‘Shy’ is the word you're thinking, but I don't think I'm shy. It's a lot more scary than just being shy. It's more like the horrible, buzzing feeling in your stomach with the idea of interacting with people who may just as well hate you.
It's scary.
Well. Maybe I do have a few friends. Maybe. Maybe there are people when they talk about me, they'll greet me and they'll say, “Hey, this guy Nezha! Yeah, he's my friend!”
But I don't think they really mean it. I think they call me their friend because saying acquaintances or something is too much of a hassle. Too formal and awkward.
I don't have many friends. Or maybe I do, but I'm too dumb to notice.
But I'm the type of person who has to be told I have friends, because I fear if I call anyone else friend, they may think otherwise. They might think, “Who gives him the right to call us friends? We're not friends! We only put up with him because he's pathetic!”
It's not a nice feeling.
There is one person I consider close though. She's a girl I met a while back.
She's pretty.
Well. That sounds a bit wrong. She's very nice too, albeit a bit weird and easy to lose her temper, but she's nice. Sometimes it's hard talking to her because she's stubborn as a mule but…
She's quite nice. To me, at least.
In mortal terms she's probably a year or two younger than me, but she acts rather mature for her age. Sometimes she'll visit and she'll tell me stories with a passion in her eyes.
I think I like her, a bit. She's the only person I can actually trust.
She understands me because we both have shitty lives. Our dads are jerks and our siblings are emotionally distant and she's…
She's nice. She's really, really nice.
And it's not like, a nice out of sympathy or out of fear. Most celestials speak to me because they don't have a choice, but if they could, they'd pick my brothers over me any day.
That's fine, I guess, but not her. She always seems to pick me before anyone else.
I don't show it. I don't know how to express my feelings properly.
I mean. I try too, I really do. But I guess.
I'll never really understand how to do that kind of stuff. It's a bit difficult, because…well. It's not like I had many friends growing up.
If I did, they all moved on or grew up. Or my dad hated them.
Which sucks. He hated all my friends I had a child, so I never bothered to make any after that. It's not like I care.
Well. That's not true. Maybe a small part of me does.
Maybe.
The girl I like, we're close. It's only been a year or so since we've met but I really, really like her. I like how she smiles and gives me things she thinks would make me happy. I like that I'm the only person she trusts enough to confide in. I like that I'm the only person she would hug because she trusts none but me.
I like her a lot.
I think I might even love her.
Which is weird. Because this is the first time I’ve really love someone. I had a crush on my friend as a kid but. That doesn't count, because we were kids.
I really, really like her. So, so much. I'll die if she ever leaves me.
I don't want her to leave. She means so much to me.
I won't confess to her. She wouldn't feel the same, and if I did she would leave me. Everyone else leaves and I can't let her leave too.
I hate being alone. I hate it. I hate it.
I'm jealous.
My friend, that girl. She's in love with someone.
His name is MK, I think. Well, not think, I know because she told me. She tells me everything. And she never stops talking about MK.
I really wouldn't mind, you know. I like hearing her speak. It shows how happy she is.
Except. Well. She also spends all her time with him now. The days we use to spend together have dwindled because she's always with him.
It's fine. She's happy. It's fine, because she's even happier now.
If she's happy. I think that's fine. Because we're friends. Friends are happy for other friends.
I wish she hadn't met that boy.
I sound so selfish but I miss her. I miss her and I love her. I love her so much. Why can't she see that? Why can't she tell that she's the only person I've ever told ‘I love you’ too? Why can't she understand when I tell her I care I mean it?
I'm such a selfish person. I'm selfish and a failure. I'm selfish and a horrible friend.
I'll stop being friends with her. I'll stop because I'm a bad person and I'm not happy for her, and that's selfish.
It's not like she'll notice. No one ever notices.
That's fine. She's happier now. She'll make a new friend and she'll replace me.
But that's fine. I'll be alone. That's better. It's the only thing I know.
I do have one regret.
I'll keep missing her, even if I was the one who ended it all.
I'll keep loving her because who else am I supposed to love?
But it's fine. She'll be happier without me.
That's okay. Loneliness is the only thing I have now.
It's fine. I'm okay with it.
It's fine. Everyone's happier without me.
That's okay.