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Jeff sees the headlights before the impact of the crash takes him hard, too hard. At first, he feels nothing, he has the sensation of flying, like he is an astronaut in weightlessness. His head is up, then down, then up. He has the sensation of being a disjointed rag doll, his limbs no longer obey him, gesticulating as they please in the car's space. Then, the silence, this febrile moment of flotation, where the time is suspended, where he feels nothing, where everything seems alright. Next, the pain, the extreme bite of the agony that hit him like a big explosion, like if all his body is broken. And with the pain, comes the noise, so loud that all Jeff wants is to put his hands against his ears. But he can’t, he can’t move. All around him is too colorful, too noisy, too broken. He sees the red around him, blood, his own blood he realized. He hears people screaming and a ringing in his ears. There are pieces of glasses everywhere. Jeff tastes his tears on his lips, and the metal of his blood on his tongue.
But despite everything, Jeff smiles. He understands he changed the meaning of his vision, it’s no more Alan who died in the car accident, it’s him. Before darkness holds him, he murmurs his lover’s name, as a caress on his lips. Alan…
Earlier
The sparkle of the fight ligthen with a futility, something about not answering the call when the other one called the day before. The day had been long and stressful, they were both exhausted. A word that shouldn't have been said, a misunderstandig, and the fight blew up. The loud of their voices echoed in the garage, even with the late hour, almost all of the pack was still there. They never heard Alan and Jeff screaming at each other before. Sure, the couple had a few gray clouds in their loving blue sky, but never like this. Something was wrong, they could feel the tension. Witnessing them was like staring at a passionate and angry dance, as if they looked at powerful waves bursting with crash on rocks, it was something fascinating but terrifing. The situation made everyone anxious, as if a cold hand had caressed their back slowly, making all of them on the edge.
Charlie had seen his brother in a bad mood before, but those last days, he knew something bothered Jeff, he could see shadows passed in his eyes when he stared at Alan, thinking he was alone. Charlie tried to talk to him, to let Jeff confess what was wrong, but Jeff refused to admit it. Charlie knew better, Jeff was like half of himself, he understood a dark vision should have broken him. And he was certain it was about Alan. When he heard the loud voices and Alan screaming, he knew what was latent for a week and half now, had reached the fragile limit of no comeback.
Babe was worried about Alan for a few days, he knew his friend very well and could see the darkness under his eyes was not just because of the lack of sleep. Alan had been under a lot of stress with the new season of races, the sponsors and dealing with the new racers, like Kim (but Babe knew the problem was not about Kim).Plus, just a few months ago they lost Way and Alan almost lost Jeff to Tony. Babe knew how Alan could be awkward dealing with his feelings, how he could be an idiot in love. Also, Charlie told him about his worries for Jeff, how he dislikes when his brother hides some vision from him. So Babe observed, he saw how Jeff was distracted more often, how he stared at Alan with sadness when he thought no one looked at him, how he became more distant with him. Then, he felt how Alan changed from worried about his lover to a feeling of incomprehension, to something badder. A feeling hard to control, that makes people do things they regretted after: the insecurity.
So, after days of stress, incomprehension and lack of tenderness from his lover, Alan said something he shouldn't. Between screams and idiots accusations about futilities, he stared at his beautiful Jeff’s eyes and said with all the bitterness he could find “You act like a stupid kid”. At the same moment, he felt remorse and guilt hit him violently to his core, he saw Jeff's face turn livid. Alan knew, he knew how badly he hurted him. In the air, only their harsh breathing echoed. They didn’t move, they were just staring at each other. Then Jeff walked up to Alan, took his car keys from his pants pocket and threw them as far as he could. He turned and left. Leaving Alan alone and devastated. It was a bad evening for the broken lovers, one standing with sparkles of tears in his eyes, the other one restrained his sobs while running away to his own car. No one couldn’t reach Jeff before he started the engine and disappeared into the deep night.
Three days later
The cognac burns his tongue, his throat, but Alan likes it. He lost count of the glasses he took, he just wants to feel nothing. The music is loud around him, the crowd is dense and excited. He feels bodies around him, hot skin and a few wandering hands on his shoulders, on his ass. Alan smiles, he doesn’t care, he just wants to lose himself, he wants to forget, he hopes to silence the screams in his head with alcohol and some insanities. Few days ago he put his lover in the hospital between life and death. Because of him, Jeff had a car accident, because he is a stupid man, because he screamed at him and made this happen. He deserves nothing more than pain, but he is a coward, regret tightens his throat and makes him suffocate. So he needs something to help him to forget the pain, the regret. When he closes his eyes, he sees Jeff in his hospital bed. His eyes closed, covert with bandages, fragile as a porcelain doll.
Alan passed the first days beside him, refusing to let his hand. The doctor said he was badly injured, that he lost a lot of blood. It was a miracle that he was still alive. But they needed to wait 24h to see if he could survive. Alan never left his side, he has the sensation to be out of his body, out of his mind. He didn’t cry, he didn’t speak either. He had the sensation of being in a fug, all he could do was to stay with Jeff. When the doctors said he was out of danger, that he will wake up soon, Alan just stood up and left the room. He couldn’t handle the storm of his emotion, couldn’t face his own remorse. No one saw him leave, he wanted to be alone and make himself suffer for what he did to his lover.
A hand on face, a slow caress, a cocky smile on the other man's lips, and Alan follows him on the dancefloor. He needs this, needs to be out of his mind, of his body. He doesn’t feel anything and he wants so badly to feel the pain. He needs redemption.
Everything is blurry, the music is so loud it feels like it's hitting him like a tantrum. He moves without really knowing what he is doing, he just follows the beat and the body against him. The crowd is deep, he closes his eyes, someone grabs his ass and he lets the hungry tongue devour his neck. He doesn't care, his mind and heart are broken. He needs this depravity, he deserves to be used by a stranger.
Suddenly, hands grab him virulently and unceremoniously lead him off the dance floor and out of the bar. Someone yells at him, but Alan doesn’t care. He just wants to lay down, he doesn't want to feel anything anymore. A slap hits his face and someone shakes him violently by the shoulders. Alan opens his eyes and stares at the one in front of him. Babe…
“Alan? Alan? What are you doing?” Babe asks him angrily.
“Babe? I… I don’t know… Just leave me alone…” Alan says in a murmur, trying to escape Babe's arms.
“What the fucking wrong with you Uncle? You have to clear your mind, Jeff needs you!” Babe asks him desperately, taking Alan’s face with both hands, forcing the older man to stare directly into his eyes.
Alan refuses to look at his friend, he doesn’t want to see disgust inside his eyes. But Babe is a true friend, he will not let Alan dive deeper into this guilty self-destruction. He knows too well how awful and painful this dark behavior is.
“Alan, please, in the name of our friendship, trust me. Look at me. I understand you, you can lean on me.” Babe says, tears flowing gently down his face. He can feel Alan pain, he will wait for him.
Then, something breaks inside Alan, he has the sensation to explode as in thousands of shards of glass. All the stress, the guilt, the sadness and the pain from the last days, seem to shake him violently. He surrenders, he lets all his emotions take him, he lets it go. The sobs are violent, painful, he screams and cries, but Babe holds him tight. They lose the notion of time. They don't care.
**********
Alan enters the hospital room quietly. He doesn’t want to disturb Jeff. A few hours ago, Charlie called Babe to inform him Jeff was awake. Alan was a mess, but the joy that embraced him as fire made him better. But Babe insisted he had to get a shower and a nap first. Jeff couldn't stand to see him like this, not after everything he's been through. Alan knew Babe was right.
Here he is now, staring at his sleepy lover in front of him. Even with the bruises and the bandages, Alan thinks Jeff is beautiful. His sweet red lips, his milky skin, his eyebrows are just a perfection, Alan is insanely in love. Pearls of tears dance on his eyes, this young man is part of himself, he could not live without him. Alan knows that now.
With precaution, he lays down beside him. Jeff's regular and strong breathing is a melody for Alan’s ears. Gently he lays his head on Jeff's chest, his heartbeat is also strong and steady, Alan smiles. He feels good, this young heart beats for him, he will always love this song.
A moment passes, the first ray of sunlight delicately enters the room, as if even the morning does not want to disturb the sleeping young man. Alan is almost asleep when he feels fingers caressing his hair.
“Alan, where have you been?” Jeff says in a murmur, as a soft wind on Alan’s skin.
“ I was lost my love. But I am here now.” Alan answers with a kiss on Jeff’s neck.
“Always?” Jeff asks with a febrile voice.
“Always my love, always.” Alan replies holding Jeff and burying his face in the crook of his neck.
With a smile on their lips, the two lovers fall asleep hugging each other.
Fin