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Broken.
That’s the word that always sprung to mind whenever Serafina looked into the eyes of her colleagues at the Shatterdome now.
It made her sick.
She wasn’t weak; she didn’t need pity or the stares.
Broken? She was STRONG; she didn’t feel like she could fall apart at any moment. She didn’t want to scream at the next person who asked her how she was or told her how sorry they were for her loss. She didn’t feel like throwing up whenever another Jaeger deployed, accompanied by flashing lights and loud sirens. She didn’t get the urge to toss her baby sister’s things across the room whenever she looked at the picture taken just after the two’s Jaeger training graduation, Bethany with her almost demure smile and her cheeky sister throwing up bunny ears behind her head with a great big smirk. She didn’t have nightmares every week, always ending with Bethy’s body broken and twisted in rubble or in the hand of a Kaiju, her eyes empty, lifeless, and unnatural.
She wasn’t broken.
She was just fine…or so she kept telling herself.
It’d been years since her sister had died from a Kaiju attack. Months of more Kaiju attacks, of more Rangers dying and Jaegers being demolished, of governments calling for a more “effective solution.” Months of bottled-up grief and rage that only manifested in walls meant to keep people out, even her only other family in the world, Bethany’s twin, Carver. Years of never stepping foot in one of those death machines again, even when ordered to.
She thought she’d be kicked out on her ass when she refused to obey the Marshal when he had told her to shape up and get ready to pilot again a week ago. But, as it just so happened, the station’s foremost doctor, who specialized in treating Jaeger pilots, noticed the door to his room slightly ajar and stepped in to interrupt.
“Sir, I need her help. We’ve had two Rangers come in with critical wounds, and you know we’re short-staffed because of cutbacks. She’s the only one I’d trust to be of any use right now.” Her heart felt lighter and fuller at those last words, but she didn’t dare show it on her face.
She saw the Marshal’s jaw tighten, and his eyes flicked back to hers. They stared at each other for a moment until she saw those same hard eyes soften, and he said in a low voice, “You’re dismissed, Ranger. Go with the doctor and help those poor sods. God knows we can’t afford any more dead Rangers.”
Hawke only nodded in reply, not trusting her tongue.
Only once she was sure they were out of the Marshal’s hearing range did she deign to say, “Did you really mean what you said back there, Anders?”
Her friend looked over at her and gave her a half smile. “Yes, of course. Most everyone else here is an idiot when it comes to medicine, and the rest aren’t half as charming as you.”
She snorted at that and gave him a half-hearted nudge with her shoulder, trying not to seem as affected by his words as she really was.
She’d worked so hard to help other pilots and to understand her own injuries under his patient guidance. There were days (more than she’d care to admit) when they both got on each other’s nerves and barked and hissed at each other like cats and dogs in frustration. But those were overshadowed by the days when a concept would click; a person was fixed up and alive because of her. Moments filled with laughter or deep, late-night talks over cups of crappy coffee when they weren’t working their asses off. Moments of tenderness, tight hand squeezes and comforting hugs. Feelings of understanding, of genuine empathy, and some other feeling the two danced around, a feeling that made her pulse rapid and her chest ache.
But she wasn’t ready to face that just yet.
They walked silently for a minute or two, side by side, looking almost eerily like two Rangers getting ready to be suited up. They both walked in time with each other, neither one trying to outpace the other and get ahead, but neither one slowing down and trying to get behind the other. Sera shook her head before the thoughts overtook her. She didn’t want to get lost in memories again.
“Was I seriously needed in the clinic, or were you saving my sorry ass from being booted?” she asked, seeing as they weren’t running right now.
Anders had a tiny sparkle in his blue eyes as he answered, “Bit of both, actually. The patients are stable for now, but there is no telling when they won’t be.”
Then he sighed, and tension wound itself into her muscles again. She knew exactly what he was going to say to her. She didn’t know if she could handle it.
“You know he’s going to ask again soon, don’t you, Sera?”
“And, so what?” she replied in a sharp tone, trying to discourage her friend from continuing.
He gently but firmly grabbed her arm and halted right outside the clinic’s doors, causing her to stop as well. Every instinct in her body wanted to tell him to fuck off with this bullshit and rip her arm from his grasp, and if it were anyone else, she’d 100% do so. But this was Anders, someone who could withstand but also understand her defensiveness and avoidance and how to work with and defuse them. Someone who wouldn’t leave her alone and give up if she fought him, no matter how hard she tried. Someone she didn’t want to hurt, someone she…shit, there she goes again.
“I know for a fact you want to fight again, Hawke. You think I don’t know you’re secretly keeping in shape, watching training sessions, and asking Varric about the whereabouts of your trashed Jaeger?”
Her eyes bugged out her head in response. She was going to kick Varric’s ass the next time she saw him. But apparently, she hadn’t been as secretive about the other stuff as she’d first thought.
“You’re a healer, Hawke, and a damn good one. But you’re also a fighter, and I know you want revenge, and now is the best time to get it. Why did you refuse the Marshal, then?”
“I don’t want another person in my fucked-up head again, that’s why. And I don’t want to feel their inevitably pointless pity instead of just seeing it in their eyes,” she growled, annoyed that he was even asking.
“That is not even close to the whole truth. Otherwise, you wouldn’t bother with doing half of those things. I think I’ve proven myself enough to have your trust and respect, Sera,” he insisted, not letting her off the hook that easily.
Her body slumped forward. Then she rubbed the side of her head, feeling the shadow of a migraine coming on. There was no use fighting it anymore. She knew he wouldn’t give it up.
“…I can’t risk losing someone again,” she said in an uncharacteristically small voice, turning her face away from him. “I couldn’t protect her or my mother. I failed them, and I’ll fail my next partner. I can’t.”
She hadn’t even realized her fists were clenched until she felt a thumb gently grazing the top of her knuckles. Her friend’s long, almost delicate fingers wrapped around one fist as his other hand let go of her, letting it graze down the length of her arm before finding its rightful place around the other fist.
They stayed like that for a little while, basking in each other’s presence. Hawke almost felt a smile draw upon her lips as she kept her eyes on their hands, Anders still rubbing them with effortless gentleness. Her fists gradually loosened in the wake of his touch. And as they did so, she let him take hold of her hands and held them back in return.
“You haven’t failed me, Sera.”
Her gaze snapped back up to his as he continued, “You have risked your life for me and saved my life more times than I can count. You’ve stood by me and fought for me when no one else would. You’re brave and stubborn, and the lengths you would go to protect those you care for are unmatched. You never failed your family, Sera. You can’t keep hurting yourself. You protected them as best you could. No one could ask for better.”
Then, in a sotto voce tone, “I couldn’t ask for any better.”
Serafina's eyes became misty for the first time in what felt like forever. She’d had no idea she meant so much to him, his admiration almost painful. Except, she knew why. She’d been deliberately avoiding these kinds of uncomfortable conversations. She put up walls around herself to prevent letting others in again. But her friends, and especially Anders, didn’t let that stop them. They weren’t afraid to let her in, even if she was afraid to do the same. She hadn’t failed them, and they hadn’t failed her.
“All I ask is you try to risk it again, Sera. You might be surprised.”
Surprised? Before she could question what he meant by that, he turned around and entered the clinic.
She let out a huff of frustration but followed him inside anyway.
She’d been mulling over his words since then. As much as she wanted to pretend they had never been said to her, she couldn’t deny the truth behind them, especially when he had put such feeling behind them. He was right; the Marshal would sooner rather than later force her to decide. However, it was clear to her that Anders didn’t want her piloting again for the Marshal’s or the world’s sake. He wanted her out there so she could come to terms with her grief. Grief that had been festering inside her with no outlet (no healthy one, at least).
She could already hear Bethany scolding her for such behavior, too. Bethy may have been the youngest, but she was often the more mature sibling. She’d hate to see her like this, moping about and being an asshole to anyone who dared get near (not just to people she didn’t like).
So she’d try again. For Bethany. For her mother. For Anders. And herself.
She wasn’t fine…but she damn well was going to be, even if she had to break a little to do it.
She had told the Marshal to help her find a new copilot today, brief and to the point. He didn’t smile, but his eyes seemed to smirk for him when he opened his desk drawer and got out a file filled with potential candidates. He was annoyingly prepared.
She could hear the persistent buzz of conversation as she walked over to the Kwoon Combat Room, which, somewhat disconcertingly, became quiet the moment she walked through the doorway.
She nodded to Mako and Marshal Pentecost as she stood next to them, gazing into the crowd to see if she recognized any faces. Her lips quirked when she saw Varric on the sidelines, giving her a cheeky wave as she narrowed her stormy hazel eyes at him.
“Can the first candidate please step forward?” The crowd parted ways as they (oddly, Hawke noted) came from the back, an oversized hoodie concealing their face as they stopped at the mat.
She crossed her arms and raised an eyebrow at the person. What was their game? Then the person pushed back their hoodie, and she couldn’t help the laugh that overtook her when she saw very familiar striking blue eyes gazing back at her with mischief gleaming in them.
“Anders, you beautiful little shit. Since when have you ever wanted to be a Ranger?”
“Ever since I met you, Hawke,” he said, looking awfully like the cat who got the cream just now.
Some of the other cadets oohed at that before the Marshal told them to shut it.
There was a slight doubt in her mind that the doctor who stayed up late hours and often subsisted on days-old coffee could keep up with her. But she felt like her third eye was opened when he yanked the hoodie up and exposed his arms and shoulders for all to see.
Now she knew why he’d been wearing more oversized clothing lately.
He was still lanky, but there was definitely more definition in his arms than she had ever noticed years ago. His shoulders weren’t broad, but his trapezius muscle stuck out more, making him look stronger and more intimidating. His thighs, while not exposed right now, looked thicker as well. He looked the part of a lean, fighting machine. She was impressed, and maybe just a little bit turned on at seeing how much work he’d put into himself lately.
“Begin,” the Marshal barked, and they both stepped up to the mat to fight.
She barely waited one second before she was already bounding towards, and the fight began. Although perhaps the better word for it was “dance,” as the best cadet fights should be.
She thought her more aggressive style wouldn’t mesh with his more patient, fluid style, but to her delight, they quickly adapted to the other’s movements. He became more confident and struck more often while she started to pull back and dodge, waiting for an opening. They weaved in and out of each other’s space, trading blow after blow with their staffs. It was graceful, for lack of a better word. Fuck, it felt so good.
In fact, she got so caught up in the enjoyment of it that he managed to dodge a blow, dive for her leg, roll them over, and pin her head to the ground with his staff.
She couldn’t even find it in herself to be mad at all. She couldn't even deny that her body was warm from more than just the exercise. She found herself wanting to stay pinned beneath a panting, dripping, gorgeous Anders for a little longer. The messy ponytail his hair had been in before the fight fell apart, and some tendrils had escaped and were framing his face while others stuck to his forehead. Fuck, this had got to be the sexiest thing she’d ever seen in her life.
Anders' cheeks seemed to heat up as she stared at him with such open admiration, backing off in almost too much of a hurry.
“Well, Ranger, seems like you’ve found your new copilot,” the Marshal said as Anders stuck out a hand and pulled her up with a grin.
She knocked her shoulder against his and gave her friend a wink for good measure. “Seems like I have.”
“Ready to have some fun, teach?” Serafina asked, poking fun at her new partner while also trying to hide how nervous she truly was.
They’d be inside each other’s heads in a few moments, sifting through years of memories and trauma. It wouldn’t be easy for either of them, yet she trusted they’d make it through to the other side. The part she was most worried about, in truth, was her not-so-casual, very serious feelings for the man next to her. Chances were almost 100% he’d find out about them once the Drift connection was established. But they had to come out sometime, and what better and weirder way possible than through a mind meld?
“I suppose the teacher is about to become the student, right?” he quipped back, not bothering to hide the smile on his face as he saw her not-so-secretly checking him out in his Drivesuit.
Her cheeks flushed when she met his gaze again, coughing into her fist to cover it up, missing out on him doing the same to her.
“I can’t wait,” she replied as they got locked into the Jaeger.
“Any advice for me, teacher?”
Matching his grin, she said, “Go with the flow.”
The last thing she heard from him was a laugh, and then the countdown started winding down.
“Five, four, three, two, one. Neural interface drift initiated,” the onboard AI sounded out, and then all was black before a burst of color flooded their senses.
Carver, Bethany, and Hawke playing with their dog Bear in the backyard. Anders pleading with his parents to let him keep a kitten he’d found on the street. Hawke punching a bully who’d called her brother stupid. Anders getting his first kiss from Karl. Hawke and Bethany at their Jaeger graduation ceremony. Anders passing his doctoral exam and finally leaving his abusive parents behind. Hawke crying over Bethany’s broken body. Anders holding Karl’s hand as the heart monitor flatlined.
Serafina and Anders meeting for the first time. Serafina smiling at him for the first time. Anders holding her tight and soothing her as she woke up hyperventilating from a nightmare. Serafina knocking out the patient who had held a gun to his head. Anders tackling her out of the way of a hostile Kaiju cultist who’d thrown a grenade at her. Serafina first telling him about her loss. Anders telling her about his.
Serafina laughing and Anders realizing how he wanted to hear it more. Serafina defending him from a drunken pervert and Anders realizing how much he wanted to kiss her. Anders massaging her head during a terrible migraine even when she’d told him fuck off and her thinking how lucky she was to have someone who could handle her bad days. Anders squeezing her hands and telling her to fight and her realizing she’d always fight for someone she loved so fucking much that it hurt. Both wanting to see the other sweating and panting in another, more pleasant context after he’d pinned her to the ground.
With a jolt, they both came back to the present.
“Right hemisphere calibrated. Left hemisphere calibrated. Ready to activate the Jaeger.”
A pleasant hum filled Hawke’s brain; another presence tucked safely into her consciousness. It didn’t scare her, though. It only filled her with confidence and comfort.
She felt Anders’ happiness through the connection and a bright spark that lingered after processing all of each other’s memories, one of which she shared with him. Neither could act on realizations right now, but both kept it close to their hearts, looking forward to exploring them later.
Their bodies and minds moved as one as they initiated their first command. Both of the Jaeger’s fists lifted up and threaded the fingers together.
“Calibration complete.”
“Now, how’s about we take this beauty out for a test run, Ranger?”
Anders and Sera let a groan simultaneously as Spitfang’s tail almost knocked them off their feet. Fuck, she’d forgotten how much a Jaeger got tossed around in the middle of a fight.
The Kaiju, named after the toxic substance it spits out and its ginormous fangs, had been left behind after the Breach had been closed by Mako and Raleigh. So, Thunderbird Rise, the dynamic duo of Serafina and Anders, had been sent out to clean house.
The slippery little blighter preferred long-distance combat, shooting its toxic venom at the Jaeger from relative safety.
However, Thunderbird Rise had been specifically designed for long-range combat. The wings on its back were not for flight but rather defense, creating a shield that temporarily shielded the Jaeger from such attacks. Its plasma cannon was detachable and could form into what onlookers could only describe as a mage’s staff, using excess parts from the Jaeger to form the shaft, which had a long, deadly spearhead on the other end of it. This allowed the weapon to be close and long-ranged, something both Anders and Hawke were grateful for as they slashed the spear down across Spitfang’s face.
The Kaiju screamed, one of its fangs gone now, and looked poised to try to hit them again with its razor-sharp tail.
The Ranger looked over at her partner, a look of equal parts excitement and rage on her face. “You thinking what I’m thinking?!”
Anders’ smile was just as dangerous as hers. “Time to send this thing back to the pit it crawled from? Naturally.”
When Spitfang lashed its tail out again, instead of hitting the Jaeger, it was stopped in its tracks by the cold, hard clamp of steel. It only had a second to panic before it was tossed back into the sea, the impact of the water dazing it for a few seconds.
And a few seconds was all Thunderbird Rise needed to bring the spear staff down onto its ugly mug, the two Rangers screaming in time with the Kaiju’s last scream before all became silent once more.
Hawke disengaged from the Jaeger’s systems and took her helmet off, falling to her knees. She gave one final yell into the night, the tears flowing freely from her eyes now. She felt the weight on her chest dissipate as she looked at the dead body of the Kaiju. She’d gotten her rightful vengeance and closure all at once by the side of someone who meant the world to her and was still here with her.
They had hardly any time to address their feelings after that first test. They’d been relentlessly training, and then the Kaiju had attacked again. Feelings of frustration had come through for both sides when they’d Drift together. The only thing that kept them from snapping was knowing they’d eventually be able to be together after all this was over. And now it was.
She heard Anders disconnect from the Jaeger as well, the sound of his helmet clinking to the ground as he fell to his knees in front of her and took her into his arms, right where she belonged.
“We did it, Sera, we did it.”
She could feel his tears dripping onto her head as he kissed her forehead in relief.
She looked up at him as he brought one hand up to the back of her head, his thumb caressing the scar on her cheek.
All it took was a locking of gazes, and then they surged forward and finally pressed their lips together.
It was hot and messy yet tender and divine. Anders’ breath was coming out in short, heavy pants as he tangled his long fingers in her thick hair, pushing her tighter into him.
Hawke took his bottom lip into her mouth and playfully bit down on it, drawing a delicious moan from Anders.
Not to be outdone, he retaliated and found entrance into her warm mouth, twining his tongue around hers, inciting a loud moan from her also.
She felt a slight tremor in her knees and a steadily rising heat below her belly as he continued to give her the smooching of a lifetime. Not that she would care anyway, but it was lucky they had privacy since they were making almost porn-worthy noises as they kissed.
Anders ripped himself away for a moment, chest heaving, before returning to her. Only this time, he leaned further down and caught the skin of her neck between his lips. He suckled on her for a few seconds, rewarded with a moan of his name. He groaned back in response, only removing himself from her once he was satisfied she’d have a noticeable love bite to show off later.
They pressed their heads together as they began to laugh in tandem, both feeling exceedingly happy and relieved.
“Do you think they’ll care if we don’t get back soon? Because I’d like to stay out here a little longer if that’s alright with you.”
Serafina gave him a smirk that sent a shiver of desire down his spine as she threaded her own fingers in his hair, mirroring Anders. “Oh, they’ll care, but I couldn’t care less right now.”
Then she brought him in for another passionate kiss, the last thought on her mind being how much she was looking forward to doing this with the love of her life for a long time yet.