Chapter Text
Twelve
He dropped Clara home, and headed for the graveyard. He had to see Rose, with his new face. She couldn't see him, sure, but he'd feel better once he'd gone. Once he'd seen her.
"Hello dear," he said, leaning against the side of the Tardis and looking towards the gravestone.
"I'm Scottish now, and I look old," he told her. "It's been so long now since I left you." Rain started pouring down and he couldn't help but laugh. It was fitting, rain in the graveyard.
"Even if you had stayed, you'd be gone by now it's been that long. I still think about you," he said. He reached into his pocket. He'd managed to pluck a small flower when he'd been running from dinosaurs and fresh of regeneration. It was pretty, and Rose deserved pretty things. He leant down and placed it in the vase that had appeared by Rose's grave. He wasn't sure if a future version of him had brought it, or one of Rose's friends or family had, he supposed he'd find out eventually.
"I think, I think sometimes I try to run from you Rose," the Doctor confessed. "I would promise to stop, but I don't think I'd keep it." He leant back against the Tardis, he didn't think he'd be able to get up again if he sat on the floor. At least, not without a struggle.
"I promise I won't forget you," he said. "I don't think I could if I wanted to." He kissed his fingers and pressed them to the stone, it had become a common way to say goodbye.
"I'll see you soon my dear," he said, stepping back into the Tardis.
~☆~
He didn't visit Rose. At least, not at first. He didn't slip off to her funeral, only partially because an old him was already there. He tried not to think about. But, well, he couldn't ignore her. So, he eventually got a bus to the graveyard without Nardole's knowledge.
As the Doctor approached Rose's grave, he spotted someone else stood there. He considered turning and leaving, but if it was one of Rose's friends then they deserved the truth. He approached slowly, and eventually he recognised the person stood over Rose.
"Shareen, right?" he asked. She jumped and looked to him.
"Sorry, do I know you?" she asked. He offered her a smile, though it felt forced.
"Not this face. I knew you when I was younger," he said.
"You don't make any sense," Shareen said. If they were anywhere else she would have walked away, but they were both there to see Rose.
"I'm John," the Doctor said. Shareen shook her head.
"Nah, you can't be. You're too old, and he weren't Scottish," she said, putting her hands on her hips. He wondered if Rose had picked that pose up from her or if it was the other way around.
"Well, Rose had odd taste. The age difference was one thing, but the alien thing was something else," he said. He wished he had something to lean back on, or even sit on.
"You what?" she asked.
"Shareen Costello, the night we met you got so drunk you threw up in the bin outside the fifth pub we went to that night. Rose had to walk you home, and I had to help because she was drunker than I'd ever seen her," the Doctor recounted.
"John had spiky hair, and he wasn't Scottish, and he wasn't old," Shareen said. The Doctor shook his head.
"And before that I didn't have any hair, and I looked older, and I was just as grumpy," he said. "I'm not human. Rose knew, she knew from the beginning."
"No, aliens aren't real. Except for those pepper pot things, and those ghosts. But they came from Earth, they were like some mad scientists experiment gone wrong or something," she said.
"Daleks, a genetically modified species made for war by a desperate madman. Genocidal maniacs with no emotions, except for hate. Well, and sometimes fear," he said.
"You could be lying," she said.
"I could be," he admitted. She looked at him then, searching for something. The Doctor couldn't hold her gaze, not properly so he looked to Rose's gravestone. Whatever it was she was looking for, she saw it.
"You aren't though," Shareen said confidently.
"How do you know?" he asked. She offered him a small smile.
"Your eyes. They've got the same grief-stricken look he had," she said.
"She's not dead," the Doctor blurted.
"You what?" Shareen asked.
"She's not dead. Not really. She's just, trapped. In another universe, with her mum and the other universe's Pete, and a sort of not quite clone of me," he told her. Shareen took that knowledge in and nodded.
"Right then. Not dead, but she might as well be for all we can do," she said. He nodded. They fell into a silence as they looked at Rose's empty grave. It was nice, to just stand there. Remember times gone, with Rose. Times they could never get back.
"How has your face changed?" Shareen asked quietly.
"My species, we cheat death," he started. He settled onto the grass beside Rose's grave and Shareen sat down beside him. He told her stories of his adventures with Rose, explained regeneration to her. And when he couldn't talk anymore because it hurt too much, she told him her stories of Rose.
He should have sought out Rose's friends and family sooner, he realised. That was what he could do while on Earth, guarding the vault. Write out letters, send proof. Tell them Rose and Jackie were ok, just in another universe.
When they were both unable to share anymore stories, and had cried too much in the presence of a near stranger, they stood. Well, Shareen had to help the Doctor up, but they stood and left. The Doctor didn't leave without saying goodbye though. He was aware of Shareen watching him as he kissed his fingers and pressed them to the stone.
"I promise to visit more often my love," he whispered. Shareen patted his arm and walked with him to the bus stop.
~☆~
A bench had been put in by Rose's grave. He wasn't sure if it had been because of Nardole, who had found out about the Doctor's excursions, or Shareen who he'd run into a few other times at the graveyard, but he appreciated it regardless.
"I never told you I lost River," he said quietly, looking at Rose's headstone. "You remember her love, I told you about her. The mysterious woman, intertwined with my time line. My wife. You would have liked her." He thought, for a moment, of what Rose and River would have been like together. They'd have caused chaos, but he would have been happy to clean it up.
"You'd have loved her," he corrected.
"I've started travelling again. With this girl, Bill. You'd have liked her. I think she sees me a bit like a granddad honestly," he told her.
"I miss you," he said, looking up as he started to cry.
"Oh Rose," he said sadly. "It's been so long and I still miss you everyday."
The Doctor spent the rest of the day sat on the bench, talking to Rose. Sometimes, he'd fall quiet and just think about her, reminisce on their adventures together. He missed her so much it hurt, and he tried to push it down. Sometimes he wasn't successful, but he was getting better at handling it. The slow path lead to a lot of pain, he realised.
Thirteen
The Doctor looked at her accidentally acquired companions across the console. They all seemed like they wanted to stay, and really she couldn't fault them. The stars were amazing to explore.
"We still need to make a stop at Earth," she said. "And you can either wait in the Tardis, or go home and get some clothes."
"Clothes sound like a good idea," Graham said. Ryan and Yaz nodded. She nodded in return and piloted them to Earth. She landed easily, which made a nice change, and pointed to the doors.
"I'll pick you up in an hour," she said, following them outside.
"You better," Yaz said, pointing threateningly at her. The Doctor laughed and nodded, before stepping back into the Tardis. The new console was easy to move around, putting in the familiar coordinates helped. The Tardis settled in the graveyard and she stepped out. She'd jumped ahead, skipped to the night, she didn't want to risk running into Shareen, or Keisha, or worse a distant relative of Rose's that had come down for a bit.
"I'm a woman now," she said in greeting to the headstone. "I don't know how you'd feel about it. We never talked about this sort of thing when you were still here." She leant back against the Tardis and looked away. She caught sight of the bench that had been put in, she didn't feel like sitting though. It had been useful, in her last regeneration.
"You'd have laughed today, I accidentally kidnapped some people. They're going to travel with me now," she said. She could imagine Rose laughing at that, and a small smile pulled at her mouth.
"Though, I did fall out of the Tardis and right into a train," she said. She could see Rose's worry in her mind and he smiled down at the headstone. "You'd have hated that, but I survived. Clearly." Her memory fell back to Grace.
"Graham, he's one of the new companions, I got his wife killed. I don't think he blames me, but I think he should. I recognise the look in his eyes, its the same heart wrenching grief I see in myself," she said. Rose wouldn't blame her, she knew that, but she sort of wanted her too.
"I'll visit, not as much as I did when I was stranded here, but I promise I will," the Doctor said. She kissed her fingers and pressed them against the stone. She'd need to bring her some flowers the next time she visited.
~☆~
The fam were sleeping in their rooms, and while she needed sleep herself, she couldn't fall asleep. They'd found a planet that, somehow, knew about Bad Wolf. It had hit the Doctor hard, all the talk and worship of Rose just with a different name. Bad Wolf brought back memories of Rose, sure, but it also brought back the fear she'd felt so long ago when Rose had absorbed the heart of the Tardis.
She'd been trying to fix some small, inconsequential, issues with the console, but she needed to see Rose. Preferably in person. But she couldn't do that. So instead she threw herself up and and rushed around the console, hitting buttons and pulling levers, to send herself to the familiar graveyard.
When the Tardis settled she stepped out into the graveyard. Earlier, when she'd been working on the console, she'd shrugged off her coat. She didn't notice though, not even as the cold wind blew against her skin. The Doctor stared intently at Rose's grave.
"I had to see you," she admitted. "I stumbled on a planet. You're worshiped there. Well, the Bad Wolf is." She let her mind conjure up Rose's potential reactions. Shock, embarrassment, laughter.
"You scared me so much when you did that," she whispered. "I thought I was going to lose you, an I said the cheesiest thing ever. I don't know if you remember that."
The Doctor fell quiet as she tried to focus on the better times with Rose. She smiled as she remembered some of their old adventures, some of the more romantic trips they'd gone on.
"I miss you so much," she said, laughing slightly as she shook her head. She settled onto the floor and dropped her hand into the grass. She leant back against the Tardis and sighed. She wasn't sure she'd sleep that night, but at the very least she could relax against the Tardis and miss Rose.
The door creaked open and the Doctor leant around to look at whoever had come out.
"Sorry," Graham said. She shook her head, he didn't have anything to apologise for. "I expected the stars."
"I had to visit someone," the Doctor confessed, waving to Rose's grave.
"I'm sorry," he said again.
"I lost her a long, long time ago," she said. Graham took a moment, differing in the door. Eventually he stepped out and leant against the Tardis beside her.
Neither of them said anything, but the Doctor appreciated the company anyway. When they went inside the Tardis they didn't talk about it. The Doctor was happy to keep it that way.
~☆~
The Doctor closed the Tardis door behind her and leant back against it. This would have to be a quick visit.
"Hello love, the universe is ending. Again," she said.
"You what?" Shareen asked.
"Hello Shareen, why are you here at night?" she asked, turning to Rose's friend.
"Thought, you know, go out, get drunk, like the old days," she said, stepping into view. She had a bottle wine in her hand, and poured a small bit out onto Rose's grave.
"I know she's not down there, and I know she's alive," Shareen said, "I know she's living her best possible life, but for all of us she is dead. She might as well be buried down there for how unreachable she is."
"You know, I keep thinking if I just put off saving the universe, I'll see her again," the Doctor confessed.
"Why's that?" she asked.
"You remember the planets in the sky?" she asked. Shareen nodded. "Yeah, well, Rose came back and saved the universe."
"Really?" Shareen asked. The Doctor nodded.
"She saved so many people throughout the universe, and then she saved this universe, and all the universes actually," she said. Shareen laughed.
"So you want to risk the universe in case Rose shows up to help?" she asked. The Doctor sighed but nodded slightly.
"I'm so tempted too, but I can't. She'd hate me if I risked the universe," she said. Shareen offered her the wine bottle, and as tempted as she was to take it, she decided against it. The Doctor stepped towards the grave and kissed her fingers, before pressing them against the gravestone.
"I promise I'll try and save the universe for you Rose," she whispered. Shareen patted her arm as she past back to the Tardis.
"Go save the universe mysterious widow of Rose," Shareen said. The Doctor smiled at her and stepped into the Tardis.