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Kevin Day is absolutely losing her mind. She is currently standing in the bathroom holding up Allison’s sparkly pink jacket that she left over the couch a few hours ago when she went to dinner with Neil. Andrew was at his weekly video game bonding session with Aaron so Kevin had the room to herself. After about ten minutes of sitting at her dorm appointed desk in the corner working on her paper, Kevin finally caved into the urge to examine the fabric and now here she was, standing in the bathroom looking at the jacket. Unfortunately for Kevin, while Allison was tall she had significantly narrower shoulders and there was no way Kevin could try the garment on without stretching it out. As a result, Kevin was just holding it up to her body and trying to steady her breathing.
Kevin has been silently exploring herself in moments like this for weeks now. The threat of Riko and the nest were now long behind her and Kevin could finally feel herself settling into a sense of security. Last year she had stopped drinking and picked reading back up in order to distract herself through those initial cravings, the first one being a contemporary fiction novel that Andrew had dropped in her lap on his way out the door to class. Andrew and Kevin never spoke about that time period except for one stilted conversation where Kevin asked for a ride to a local meeting. Andrew had answered with a “don’t be stupid” and walked away but he had stood in the doorway every wednesday evening with one of the sports drinks Kevin favors and his keys, a silent support in a way Kevin struggled to process still. Andrew has always been one of her closest friends in his own rough way, a constant unlike anyone Kevin had ever had the pleasure to know.
Kevin’s new appreciation for reading had grown since then, exploring all types of genres in both English and French. Approximately two months ago Kevin had picked up the book Nevada on display at a bookstore while on a walk in columbia without thinking too hard about it. After reading the entire book in one sitting, Kevin had dry heaved in the shower, aching for something she had never had time to think about before. The next week she read the entire book again, stopping to write down the terms she didn’t know to look up later. Kevin hadn’t even realized that Andrew had been watching until she found a book on Transgenderism sitting on her bed with a sticky note attached to it. In handwriting that was way too nice to be Neil’s chicken scratch it said “knowing what to call it helps.” Kevin swallowed back her nausea and picked the book up to read in the privacy of a study room. Andrew, to Kevin’s relief, made no action to acknowledge the book or the situation ever again. She would tell him when it was clearer, when she knew what to call it.
Two months later, Kevin was learning to unpack that she was transgender. That she was a she and what that meant for her relationships and career. Kevin thanked every deity she knew and her mother that exy is a co-ed sport, because at least her career and therefore her life wouldn’t be on the line. Exy was something that couldn’t be taken away over this. She hadn’t told anyone about this realization and Andrew was unwaveringly loyal in his silence but Kevin knew that she needed to share this with someone. It was practically bursting out of her, the secrecy eating away at the comfort of her home.
The mirror reflected a scared woman, holding an expensive jacket that wouldn’t fit her up to her chest, praying that her roommates won’t come home early. Her hair fell over her eyes when she tipped her head forward to look down at Allison’s jacket, having slowly grown past her ears in a way that could be easily excused with laziness. Kevin glanced at her watch, took a deep breath, and dropped her hands. She left the bathroom, folding the material up and setting it back on the couch before flopping down into one of the beanbags. Andrew would be home in the next 10 minutes if he kept to his regular pattern. Kevin picked up a book with determination to seem normal for the rest of the night.
Sure enough Andrew walked into their suite nine minutes later, sliding his shoes off and slipping off his jacket to throw next to Allison’s. If he noticed that her’s was folded he didn’t show it. Kevin glanced up from her book with a slight smile.
“How was Aaron’s? Kick his ass this week?” Andrew had nursed last week’s loss with the grace of a wet cat.
“Mmm, I watched a tutorial yesterday so it was easier this time.” Kevin snorted. “Allison’s jacket won’t fit you, you should try Renee’s next time.”
Kevin paled, gripping her book. “I-I was just folding it, not putting it on.” That was true technically. “I don’t want to–I mean I would never-”
“If you lie to me Day, we will have a problem.” Kevin’s breathing hitched. Andrew heaved a sigh and came over to crouch in front of her. “Breathe, dumbass. You do not need to talk about it but don’t give me the disrespect of a direct lie.” Kevin opened her mouth to answer before immediately closing it again, swallowing back the words. Andrew searched her eyes before tightly nodding and standing to go make them both dinner as Neil was unlikely to be back before 10 pm.
It was two days before Kevin found her words. She and Andrew were sitting in the living room, Andrew having his criminology textbook out while Kevin attempted to watch an exy rerun on her laptop. Neil was in class and then his tutoring session so the suite was theirs for at least the next 2 hours. It’s Andrew, not the whole fucking world, stop freaking out. Kevin took a steadying breath before pulling her headphones out.
She cleared her throat. Andrew glanced up slightly from his textbook, before returning them to his things. “I do want to talk about it.” Andrew hummed, still looking at his textbook but clearly giving Kevin his full attention.
Now or never, Day.
“I think, no I am sure that I am transgender.” Andrew raised an eyebrow, dropping his pen and fully turning to look at Kevin. His face was as blank as it always is, comforting in its own way. “I am a woman.” Andrew nodded his acknowledgement. “Please say something Andrew, I am mildly freaking out right now.”
With the slightest smirk Andrew finally spoke. “Aaron will be so pleased.”
Kevin blinked, spluttering out a confused “huh?”
“Aaron,” Andrew said slowly, like Kevin was a child. “He will be pleased.” Kevin stared back, desperately trying to figure out what was happening. “You know, since he insists that he’s straight.”
Kevin’s face burned. Oh my god. “I-, Andrew! I am being serious right now, stop fucking with me! I am being very vulnerable here!” She grabbed the pillow from behind her and threw it half-heartedly at the blonde.
Andrew snorted, ducking from Kevin’s assault. “So am I, Day.” However, Andrew did clear the smirk from his face and sat up slightly. “Okay, so you’re a woman. Congrats. Are you telling people or is this just for us right now?”
“I’m not sure,” Kevin flopped back into her chair. “Like I want to tell people but I’m not sure where to even start. What if Coach kicks me from the team? I can’t lose exy over this.”
“Your father isn’t going to kick you off of the team, you dumbass. He’s never had a problem with trans people before so I doubt he’ll start now.”
“How could you possibly know that?”
Andrew stared at Kevin without saying anything. Kevin started to squirm in her chair, running her fingers through her shaggy hair. “What?! Andrew, I'm not being unreasonable here!”
“Are you actually that fucking oblivious, Day?” Andrew’s voice had a thread of incredulity. Kevin stared back. “Have you spoken to Renee off the court before? Like ever?”
She blinked. “Why would that have anything to do with this?” Renee was a decent player, good enough to be Class 1, but had no long term interest in exy so why would Kevin spend time off the court with her when they have nothing in common.
“She’s fucking trans, Day. Very publicly.”
Kevin froze, jaw dropping. “Come again?”
Andrew just stared at her, bringing his water up and taking a loud slurp. Okay, so I might have miscalculated. Kevin took a shaky breath, counting to ten in her head in English and then in French. So Andrew is okay with her being a woman (and apparently Aaron will be too but that’s a problem for another day). Renee fucking Walker is also a trans woman, which Kevin really should have known. Coach is unlikely to kick Kevin from the team or negatively react because of how he’s reacted to Renee. Everything is okay and Kevin is just a nervous wreck over nothing.
“I didn’t know.”
“Clearly, Day.” Andrew was enjoying this a little too much. “Your father is okay with it, and even if he wasn’t he would be fucking stupid to kick the queen of exy off of his team.” Kevin’s cheeks reddened slightly and she cleared her throat, looking down at her hands.
“I just don’t want to lose this. It’s different with Renee, she doesn’t plan on going pro so maybe people are more willing to accept her.”
Andrew let out the most exasperated sigh. “Day, for someone who loves the Trojans so much, you are incredibly bad at learning anything other than stats about a person.”
“The Trojans? What?”
“There are at least two openly trans players on that team, one of them being the vice captain who definitely plans on going pro. The ERC hasn’t had an issue with it yet and I doubt they will.”
Kevin felt a weight lift, breathing was slightly easier now. She technically knew that Exy wouldn’t be taken from her, but hearing that she wouldn’t need to be the first one was reassuring. “Okay, thank you for talking me down.”
Andrew settled back down into his bean bag. “Anytime Day, someone needs to be a voice of reason in this household.” Kevin snorted. “Do you have another name you think you’d like to use? Or have we not gotten that far with all of the spiraling?”
The same question had been running through Kevin’s mind for months. While she disliked how distinctly male her name felt, how it brought up ideas and images of who she was, it was hard to move past it. “That's all I have left from her.” Kaleigh Day had been dead for years, and while this sport was hers, the only thing Kevin had left from her was a letter written to her former abuser and a name. “I can’t lose more of her.”
Andrew nodded. “Your last name is her’s too. You could ask Coach for suggestions? Then you could have both parents.” He cleared his throat, flexing his jaw, clearly uncomfortable. “Listen, I might not be trans but I understand how important having a name can be.” Oh. “You won’t lose her by making yourself.”
Kevin nodded, ignoring the way her head was spinning. She opened her laptop back up and Andrew returned to his homework.
That Saturday, Kevin knocked on her father’s office door, feeling the same choking dread that she had felt a year ago when she came armed with a letter from her mom. Everything is going to be fine. He is your father and he loves you. Wymack grunted, his own way of telling her to enter the office. She shuffled in, refusing to make eye contact as she took the seat across from his desk.
“Everything okay kid? It’s rare for you to be up this early on the weekend.” Coach sounded hesitant. He’s probably also remembering the last time I did this. Kevin kept staring at her hands, willing everything in her to look up at her father but failing. “Kev? Look at me.” Wymack gruffly ordered.
Kevin obediently looked up, swallowing back her nausea. Andrew said he won’t care, everything is going to be okay. “I need to tell you something,” her voice was shaky. Wymack nodded at her, having closed his notebook, giving her his full attention. “As my dad, not my coach.” Wymack’s eyes furrowed.
“You can always talk to me, kid. What’s going on? I’m a little concerned right now.”
Kevin took a deep breath. Andrew wouldn’t have told me to talk to him if it wouldn’t go well. It’s going to be okay. “I’m uh, like renee.” Kevin winced, that was definitely not what she meant to say. Wymack just stared, clearly trying to figure out whatever the fuck Kevin was trying to say. “I mean, I’m uh,” Kevin choked on her words, “I’m a woman, like Renee is a woman.”
Understanding flooded Wyamck’s face, and his shoulders dropped some of their concerned tension. Kevin braced herself for his response. “Oh kid, that’s totally okay, thank you for letting me know.” Kevin closed her eyes, allowing herself to breathe. “How can I help you with this? Do you want help telling the team?”
Kevin cleared her throat, opening her eyes and sitting up. “I, uh, don’t think I’m ready to tell everyone yet but you can tell Abby.” Wymack nodded. “Also, Andrew recommended that I ask your advice about, um, names. I want to change mine I think, but all I can think about is mom and how she chose my name. Andrew thinks that it might help if you came up with a new one, so that I could still have my parents involved in it.” She ignored the way that her voice cracked embarrassingly at the word parents.
Wymack’s expression softened, his eyes shining in a way that Kevin very rarely saw. “Of course I can help with that. Do you have any ideas?” Kevin shook her head. “What about Kayleigh?”
Her head shot up, pulse raising. “What?”
“Kayleigh, after your mother.” Kevin’s heart raced. “I think she would feel honored by it if she was here. You’ve worked hard in her memory already and it would allow you to keep part of her in your first name.” She swallowed, letting Wymack’s word sink in. Kayleigh.
“Do you think she would be okay with it? With me?” Kevin’s voice was incredibly quiet.
Wymack stood up from his desk, walking around to sit on the chair right next to her. He put his hand on her shoulder. “She would be so proud of you kid, just like I am. Your mother would be honored to have you as her daughter.”
She nodded, tears threatening to spill. “Okay, I like Kayleigh. Thank you.” Wymack smiled, tightening his grip on her shoulder briefly.
Kayleigh knew she needed to tell the others. Coach and Abby knew, and had done a great job of ignoring first names and pronouns altogether during practices but it was inevitable that the rest of the team was told. Kayleigh didn’t really care as long as she had the chance to tell the people that mattered first. Andrew knew, and after a text from Kayleigh informing him of her new name and a follow up can you tell neil , so did Neil. Neil hadn’t changed his behavior at all other than to give her a nod and a brief “yeah I sort of get it” (which Kayleigh was trying very hard to not ask about).
The only other person that Kaleigh wanted to tell personally was Aaron. The opportunity to tell him presented itself one night while they sat playing video games in Kayleigh’s dorm. Andrew and Neil had monopolized Columbia for the weekend and Nicky had left an hour ago to go call Erik so it was just the two of them. It was rare for them to be alone in a private setting and not in the library or a cafe, and she knew there wouldn’t be a better time.
They finished the round they were on, Aaron pausing to take a swig of his soda and Kayleigh setting down her controller. “So I’ve decided to change my name” Aaron choked on his coke. “To Kayleigh, after my mom. Coach picked it out a few weeks ago.”
Aaron swallowed, setting the can down on the coffee table. “Kayleigh?” Kayleigh nodded, smiling slightly at Aaron’s confused expression. “Why a woman’s name?”
Kayleigh swallowed slightly, there’s no going back I guess. “Probably because I’m a woman, Aaron.” Aaron blinked, opened his mouth and then closed it again. His cheeks flushed bright red and he quickly cleared his throat. “Do you have a problem with that?”
Aaron’s eyes widened. “NO!” Kayleigh bit her lip, trying to hide her smile as she remembered Andrew’s words. Aaron will be so pleased. “No, no, that is totally fine. I am absolutely fine with you being a woman, thrilled even.” Aaron winced. “I mean, proud of you, um, I’m really proud of you. Thank you for telling me.” He squeaked out, turning back to the tv and picking up his controller.
“Thanks, Aaron.” Kayleigh laughed, picking her controller up as well. “Glad we’ve got that sorted then.”