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Alicent was about to just give up completely when Rhaenyra barged into her rooms unannounced as if the last three years hadn’t happened. Helaena had been crying for hours and she just would not calm down no matter how long Alicent held and rocked her. At some point, the exhausted mother had started crying as well and now they were both sobbing, one quietly and the other screaming loud enough that all of King’s Landing could probably hear it echoing throughout the city.
The sudden intrusion into her private chambers startled Alicent so much that she let out a small scream and nearly let go of the still squirming child in her arms. She had to bite her tongue so she wouldn’t let out a series of extremely unladylike curses and took several deep breaths before she even dared to look up at the interruption. She already knew that it would be Rhaenyra even before she turned her head – no one else knew about the secret passage leading to her room – but it was still a shock to see the princess standing there for the first time in years.
Rhaenyra at least had the decency to look somewhat sheepish, though that didn’t mean that Alicent would just ignore this transgression, or the years of animosity between them. Had it been any other day, she might still have remained as courteous and polite as was expected of a woman of her standing, but she was angry and hurt and exhausted so she couldn’t fully keep the venom out of her voice, though her words were still as poised as ever.
“Princess, what brings you to my chambers at this hour? And through such unconventional ways, as well…”
The shock had made Alicent stop crying and let her temporarily forget about her pain but she was quickly reminded of all of it again when Helaena let out a petulant shout at being ignored for a moment. Alicent held her a bit tighter in response but still kept her eyes on Rhaenyra, who now looked more concerned than anything. Her eyes kept jumping from the woman she once considered her dearest friend to the screaming child and back, and her voice was rough and quiet in a way that resonated with something deep within Alicent’s soul.
“I apologize for barging in like this but I needed to see you. I know that we have not been as close lately as we used to be but I had the most terrible nightmare and I knew that I would not be able to sleep again until I could be sure that you are safe and healthy.”
She walked closer to Alicent with every word she said and, by the time she was done talking, they were standing close enough that they could have touched each other had one of them reached out. They hadn’t been this close to each other in years and, strangely, that distant realisation made Alicent want to cry again, this time from a combination of relief and longing. She refused to let the tears fall, though she wasn’t sure if she even needed to bother considering that Rhaenyra refused to look at her face.
Instead, her eyes were set on Helaena, who was still squirming and kicking but had calmed down somewhat since the portrait hiding the hidden passage had swung aside and the princess had stepped through. It stung, to be so blatantly ignored, but at the very least it gave her the opportunity to compose herself and take in the sight of the woman in front of her.
Unlike Alicent, who was still dressed in one of her finest gowns, Rhaenyra had already changed into a simple night dress that was partially concealed by a soft-looking robe. Her hair was free and slightly unkempt and Alicent had to squeeze her hands into fists so tight they cut off the blood flow to her fingers to stop herself from reaching out and smoothing some of the more stubborn strands of hair out of Rhaenyra’s face and behind her ears.
It took far longer than it should have for Alicent to notice that she had been silent for far too long, and that she had just been standing there and staring at her former friend, unmoving and completely lost in thought. Even then, she wasn’t entirely sure what to say, at least not until she finally realized that Rhaenyra was not actually ignoring her out of malice but rather because she was worried about how Alicent would react to her sudden appearance and to the near desperate words she had just uttered. It was that thought that finally pulled her out of her own mind enough to at the very least offer up the pleasantries expected in a situation such as this.
“Would you like to sit down? I don’t think I can offer you anything to eat or drink other than water, unfortunately, but I could call for something if you want…”
Alicent was almost glad to still be holding her daughter in her arms because that way her hands were occupied so she could not pick at her fingers until they bled. She had been doing that more ever since she and Rhaenyra had stopped spending nearly every waking moment together. She had ruined more than one dress by staining its sleeves in a deep red that would never fully wash out.
Despite all of this, though, she managed to keep her voice steady, if perhaps somewhat raspy from all the crying she had just gone through. For a moment, she worried that Rhaenyra might not have heard her over Helaena’s sobbing, but the princess smiled gently at her and stepped towards one of Alicent’s cushioned benches, though she didn’t sit down yet, instead waiting for Alicent to join her and take a seat first.
“I don’t mind. What about you, though? Don’t take this the wrong way but you don’t look well.”
Rhaenyra’s voice was painfully gentle and caring and so unlike the cold venom she had regarded Alicent with for the past few years and, somewhere deep beneath her pain and fear and exhaustion, Alicent felt a spark of hope that perhaps, things could be the way they used to be once more. She didn’t allow it to rise too much, though, knowing that the agony that followed shattered hopes was far worse than the dull weariness that had settled in her life ever since she had first grown round with child at the tender age of not yet fifteen.
Back then, she would have given anything for Rhaenyra to look at her with such gentleness once more but now, after years of loneliness, her sudden affection stung nearly as much as each and every insult her former friend had levelled against her had. On any other day, Alicent would have dismissed Rhaenyra’s sudden kindness as nothing but another cruel attempt to undermine her or rile her up, but right now, she was exhausted and Helaena was still screaming and they both knew there was no denying how tired she surely must have looked.
So Alicent let herself sink further into her pillows, tears welling up in her eyes again and her arms tightening around the struggling child to keep her from falling. A deep sigh escaped Alicent’s lips, entirely against her will, and she had to close her eyes to block out the suddenly much too bright light of her flickering candles and the even more blinding worry in Rhaenyra’s eyes.
She was shaking by now, and could not stop the tremors racing through her body. She could feel warmth near her shoulder, where Rhaenyra was reaching out to comfort her but not making contact yet, still aware how uncomfortable Alicent sometimes got when someone touched her unannounced, and that shred of a reminder of their shared past finally let her say the words she had never dared to utter before.
“Aegon has always been opinionated and he’s started biting when he doesn’t get his way but at least he can sleep through the night. Helaena does not, and she insists to keep everyone else up with her.”
Alicent knew that her voice sounded completely empty by now but she was too tired to care, too tired to pretend that everything was fine, as if she hadn’t spent the last four years suffering, alone. Still, she could not fully shake off the need to at least somewhat keep face, to stick to the manners she had been taught long before she even knew how to walk on her own or how to say the words that were now so ingrained into her very being.
Despite this, she allowed her shoulders to slump somewhat when Rhaenyra moved closer to her on the bench they were both sitting on until Alicent could feel the heat that always radiated off of her even though they still weren’t quite touching. Alicent hadn’t even noticed how cold she was until some of Rhaenyra’s heat started seeping into her frigid body. She was always cold nowadays, had been cold ever since that fateful and terrible day when the king had announced his intent to wed her.
The memory was still painful even four years later, though Rhaenyra’s absence hurt more than anything else Viserys or anyone else could do to her. And now Rhaenyra was right there, in her chambers, and no longer looking at her with clear hatred, and all Alicent could think about was how much it would hurt when Rhaenyra would eventually push her away again.
“Is there anything I can do to help?”
Even what was clearly meant as a genuine question asked in concern rather than offence ended up stinging like an insult, instead. Just a year ago, she would have gladly thrown herself at even this crumb of affection, but she had changed since then, had grown both exhausted of her life and wary of the intentions of everyone around her. Her father had taught her to look for hidden agendas in every interaction so now she could not let herself sink into Rhaenyra’s kindness like she desperately longed to. Instead, her response came out not quite cold but rather lacking in emotion entirely.
“Why are you here, Rhaenyra?”
To her credit, Rhaenyra did not flinch away from Alicent’s near insulting words, even moving closer to her, now even more concerned than she had already been before Alicent’s question. She still didn’t touch her, and, somewhere deep down in a part of her mind she thought she had long since buried, Alicent found herself wishing that she would. But Rhaenyra would never, Rhaenyra cared far too much about the boundaries Alicent had set up over a decade ago, long before she even understood what she was doing.
A small but nonetheless intense kick to her ribs pulled Alicent from her bittersweet memories and forced her to shift the hold she had on her still crying child once more. It hurt, more from the rejection than the bruises already forming all across her skin from Helaena’s anger, and tears sprang to Alicent’s eyes yet again. By now, she should have gotten used to this treatment, but it still managed to break her heart every single time her daughter showed her displeasure.
Rhaenyra, still uncharacteristically kind, allowed Alicent a moment to swallow down her sobs before slowly reaching out until one of her hands was hovering over Alicent’s shoulder, still not touching her but letting her know that she was there and willing to support her should she want to close the gap between them. Despite herself, Alicent loved her all the more for it. By the time Rhaenyra’s voice, calm and loving, filled her mind, Alicent was leaning against her stronger body.
“I wanted to see you. I know I have been cruel over the past few years, but I should never have blamed you. I should have seen how much you are suffering. So, in truth, I simply want to help you, however you will have me.”
Alicent could no longer hold her tears back in the face of all this gentleness. She wanted to hide her face in Rhaenyra’s shoulder like she had done so many times as a child, when she had been upset about silly things that seemed to matter so much back then. When she still allowed herself moments of weakness in her friend’s arms, no matter how much it went against everything she stood for.
Even now, after all these years, she rested against Rhaenyra’s unbelievably warm side as tears fell freely from her face and landed on her crying child’s head. She felt sick at the realisation that it was by far not the first time she had cried onto one of her children, though it was certainly the first time anyone else witnessed her do so. She didn’t dare look at Rhaenyra for fear of being cruelly rejected for her behaviour, though the princess remained a steady presence at her side, which eventually gave her the strength she needed to ask for a thread of support.
“Will you hold her for a moment so I can collect myself?”
Rhaenyra’s hands moved again, though her shoulder never once left Alicent’s. Her arms moved slowly and her fingers shook ever so slightly as they crept closer to Helaena. It hit Alicent then, even through the fog that had settled in her mind, that Rhaenyra had likely never held a child in her life, much less one that was fussing as much as Helaena was at the moment.
Though her own hands were somewhat unsteady as well, Alicent still readjusted Rhaenyra’s hold until Helaena lay safely and relatively comfortably in her half-sister’s strong arms. Alicent hated herself for wishing it could be her being held by Rhaenyra, instead, though she managed to shake that horrible thought off and focus on the strange sight of Rhaenyra’s wide eyes and Helaena’s no longer kicking legs, instead. It looked right, in a way Alicent had never seen before, except in those thoughts she kept hidden so deep within her mind that no one would ever be able to find them.
Helaena let out one last indignant squeak, then she settled more comfortably against Rhaenyra’s chest the way she had never done with Alicent’s and – for the first time in hours – fell silent. Rhaenyra, more careful than she had ever been about anything else, lifted one of her hands to the child’s still somewhat red face and wiped away the last of her tears with a gentleness she had never shown anyone else, except for Alicent herself.
The child did not seem to mind the new touch and, after a long moment during which both women held their breath, she even opened those violet eyes that looked so much like Rhaenyra’s that it always broke Alicent’s heart a little, and smiled up at Rhaenyra. Alicent was sure it was the first time her daughter had ever smiled at another person and she did not know how she felt about this first smile being gifted to Rhaenyra of all people.
There was the sickening stab of jealousy she had grown so familiar with ever since Rhaenyra had turned her back on her, but, far deeper and truer than that, there was relief. She would never have admitted it out loud but, until that very moment, she had been worried that there was something wrong with her child, and that Helaena would forevermore refuse to smile at another living being that wasn’t an insect, that she would not be capable of doing so due to some previously unknown defect.
Besides, she could hardly blame her child. How could she, when she herself still struggled not to break out into a smile far too wide to be fitting of a lady whenever Rhaenyra showed her even the smallest amount of affection or care. For now, witnessing her shower Helaena in all of the love Alicent desired so much could be enough, though. How could it not, if her child was smiling for once?
So Alicent contented herself with watching this moment and revelling in the smiles of both Helaena and Rhaenyra, even if they were not on her behalf, even if it felt strangely like she was intruding on a private moment between the sisters, though they looked more like parent and child to her. But that thought should not – could not – persist, so Alicent pushed it down with all the strength she had, until not even the memory of it remained.
After a long moment, Rhaenyra turned her eyes away from the child in her arms and toward Alicent, her face lit up in incredulous delight. It was impossible for Alicent not to smile back at her, wider than was appropriate for a lady and still somewhat stained with tears. She truly had missed Rhaenyra, more than she had even been able to admit to herself until this very moment.
They smiled at each other for a little while longer, Helaena for once content to be ignored and to be held. Neither of them knew what to say but words were no longer needed, at least not for the moment. Simply sitting next to each other in silence was enough, even if there was some space between them once again. Alicent still longed to close it and, if the way she was looking at her was anything to go by, so did Rhaenyra, but neither of them wanted to risk disturbing the finally calm child by moving too much.
When Helaena begun fussing again a few minutes later, Rhaenyra started moving slowly, gently swaying the child up and down and eventually even getting up and walking back and forth in front of the bench to keep Helaena from breaking out into sobs again. To Alicent’s great surprise, this actually worked and her daughter’s face smoothed out again, eventually even settling on a small but noticeable smile, which bordered on being a miracle.
As if all of that wasn’t already surprising enough, Rhaenyra started humming soon after. It was a strange but beautiful tone Alicent had never heard before. It complimented her voice beautifully and Alicent listened, open-mouthed, completely enraptured, and more than a little bit in love. Rhaenyra really did have the loveliest voice Alicent had ever heard, she could have listened to her hum this strange lullaby for hours, even if she could soon feel her eyelids grow heavy.
The humming clearly had just as much of an impact on Helaena, it only took two turns of the same hauntingly beautiful song for her to drift off to sleep in Rhaenyra’s arms, something she had never once done when Alicent or one of the maids was holding her. She couldn’t even feel jealous at this point, instead she was just happy to be there and happy that, for once, her daughter didn’t seem to be upset in the slightest.
Rhaenyra repeated the song one last time while slowly walking toward the other end of the room, where a privacy screen separated Helaena’s sleeping space from the rest of the room. By the time he had reached the same age, Aegon had already been given his own room, though Alicent always left the door connecting it to her own bedchamber open at night, but his sister required much more attention than he ever had so Alicent usually kept her in a crib directly next to her own bed.
They were gone for a while, though Alicent could still hear Rhaenyra humming and softly talking to the sleeping child the entire time as she let her settle in her bed. Rhaenyra watched her for a little while longer, just to make sure Helaena wouldn’t wake again as soon as she was alone, before rounding the screen on light feet. She was smiling softly when Alicent laid eyes on her again. She looked happy, much happier than Alicent had seen her since they were children.
Her hair was falling freely across her shoulders and the robe she had most likely thrown on in a hurry before coming to see Alicent had fallen open at some point, revealing the simple nightgown she was wearing underneath. She had never looked more beautiful than in that very moment, and Alicent felt sick to her stomach with longing for a past long lost and a future that would never come to pass.
Suddenly, Alicent felt strangely overdressed in the structured red dress she had been in since she got up much earlier than she would have preferred that morning. She hadn’t slept nearly as much as her body clearly needed ever since the king had announced his intention to marry her, and Helaena’s constant screaming certainly hadn’t helped matters. Rhaenyra, on the other hand, looked perfectly well-rested as she sauntered back to the bench and sat down directly next to Alicent, close enough that their sides were pressed together from shoulder to ankle. Alicent had to suppress a shudder in response.
Somehow, Rhaenyra seemed to notice, because of course she did, and decided to move even closer until she was nearly pushing Alicent off the bench entirely. At first, she was tempted to get up and find another place to sit but she wasn’t willing to give up this easily, no matter how weak and tired she might have been. Rhaenyra wouldn’t get to push her around in her own chambers, no matter how nice she had acted until now.
However, Rhaenyra didn’t look like she wanted to tease or bother Alicent in any way and she had just helped her with Helaena, something that no one else had ever offered to do for her. She was still humming, too, beautiful and happy and without any recognizable insincerity. It was almost like she just genuinely wanted to be close to Alicent, just like Alicent longed to be close to her.
The added pressure of this sudden closeness was actually kind of nice, once Alicent managed to move past most of her paranoia. It was still hard to let herself enjoy the experience, to allow her body to lean into Rhaenyra until her head was resting on the surprisingly comfortable shoulder of her childhood friend. Rhaenyra clearly had no such qualms and immediately placed her own head on top of Alicent’s, even letting out a pleased sigh once she found a comfortable position.
Alicent would have gladly stayed like this for hours, wasting the night away in silent companionship, but the nagging feeling of wrongness that had plagued her for the past four years, though dulled by Rhaenyra’s presence, still steadfastly refused to leave her mind. It was infuriating and she hated herself all the more for it but, after what must have been nearly an hour, she could no longer stay silent as Rhaenyra held her close, knowing that she did not deserve such comfort, at least not when Rhaenyra didn’t even know what was going on, when Rhaenyra most likely still blamed her for everything that had gone wrong between them.
“I never wanted any of this, you know?”
The words came out weak and raspy, her voice much deeper than it usually was even in the middle of the night. Had she been speaking to anyone else, she might have been somewhat embarrassed by this, but even after everything that had happened, she knew that Rhaenyra would never judge her for something as silly and irrelevant as the sound of her voice. Even when they hated each other, they always stuck to real insults rather than meaningless superficialities like that.
Despite this, it still came as somewhat of a surprise that Rhaenyra didn’t seem even remotely put off by the change in her voice or by the words she said at all. She took a torturously long moment to think them over, her head still resting on Alicent’s and her arm still wound around Alicent’s waist and holding her close, and eventually nodded once in response. When she spoke, her voice was as clear as it had always been and she sounded genuinely curious rather than offended.
“You didn’t?”
Alicent almost laughed at how sincere this one simple question sounded, how small it was. It was strange to think that just these simple words could have spared her nearly half a decade of pain. It was even stranger to think that Rhaenyra had somehow not known how uncomfortable her situation had made Alicent for the past four years, that she had truly believed Alicent would have ever chosen this life for herself.
She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry at that realisation. It hurt, though the relief it brought was almost as great as the pain. Eventually, both urges cancelled each other out, at least for the moment, and Alicent was left with indignant anger that had been stewing somewhere deep down in the pit of her stomach for as long as she had been alive. Now it suddenly burst forward, spewing from her mouth at a volume far too great for such a late hour and washing over Rhaenyra like a wave crashing against a cliff.
“Of course not! I was a child, Rhaenyra, do you really think I would have chosen any of this for myself? But it wasn’t up to me! I’m not free like you, I had to do what my father told me – still have to do what he tells me – to survive. How could you possibly not see that?”
The tears were back, though they didn’t flow gently and quietly down her face this time. They sprang forth with a vengeance, burning on their way out of her eyes and threatening to drown both herself and Rhaenyra in their venom. They choked her when she spoke and left her gasping for air between words and, worst of all, they refused to stop no matter how hard she tried to force them back down.
Rhaenyra clearly didn’t know how to react to this sudden outburst – Alicent wasn’t sure what reaction she was hoping for herself – but she never let go of Alicent, who was shaking uncontrollably by now. After a while, even just the smallest touch felt like too much so Alicent pushed Rhaenyra away, mostly unaware that she was doing anything at all. She was sure she would not have done it if she had been in full control of her mind and body.
She nearly tripped over the hem of her far-too-elaborate gown in her haste to get up, to get away from Rhaenyra, who took this unintended rejection in stride. Alicent barely even noticed that she was moving at all as she stumbled further away from her friend and toward the jug of water one of the servants had placed on a small table for her.
Alicent’s hands shook as she poured herself a cup of water and she nearly spilled the cool liquid all over herself when she lifted it to her parched lips to take a sip. It tasted stale, though that was still much better than the sour taste of self-loathing and of the wine she had had a few hours ago, back when she started trying to get her children to settle down for the night. Had she been alone, she might have poured herself another glass of wine instead of the tepid water.
It took a few sips for Alicent to notice that she was crying into her water, turning it salty in her mouth and making her cry even harder than before. She felt vaguely nauseous and nearly dropped the cup back onto the side table rather than setting it down gently like her mother had taught her when she was a young girl, barely even tall enough to reach the table the servants had set up for them.
Rhaenyra walked towards her slowly and with her hands raised, much like someone would approach a cornered animal. It should have been insulting to be treated with such caution, as if she were too fragile to take care of herself or to stand her ground, but Alicent appreciated the gesture nonetheless. She had to admit that, had Rhaenyra moved faster and with less care, she might have fled from her again.
The thought was embarrassing enough that it made her pause in the middle of what was building up to a complete breakdown. Truly, it had been building for years now and, until that strange realisation pulled her from her spiralling mind, Alicent was sure that nothing would be able to stall it any longer. But then her own thoughts came to a sudden halt, just long enough that Rhaenyra could reach her side and finally properly pull her into her arms.
There was a strong hand rubbing circles into her back and another, warm and steady like nothing else in Alicent’s life had ever been, cradled the back of her head as if it were a fragile and precious thing. Rhaenyra’s shoulder still smelled vaguely of Helaena when Alicent finally let her head fall forward to rest against the woman she wasn’t supposed to love. The only thing that betrayed Rhaenyra’s calm and steady demeanour was the slight shaking in her voice when she finally spoke the apology Alicent had been longing to hear for near half a decade directly into her ear.
“All this time I thought… Oh, Ali, I’m so sorry! Of course it wasn’t your choice! How could I have been this blind? And I was so cruel to you… Gods, I am so sorry!”
Rhaenyra’s breath was hot against the side of Alicent’s head, yet it still made the skin of her neck rise into small bumps and sent a shiver down her back as if she had caught a particularly bad chill. Before long, she was shaking uncontrollably as she clung to Rhaenyra’s form like her life depended on it. No one had held her like this in far too long and she had no idea how to respond now that it was happening.
Her friend – were they friends again? Alicent certainly hoped so – held her through it all, soothing away each tremor and whispering gentle platitudes into her hair until Alicent eventually went still in her strong arms, sagging even deeper into them when her own legs could keep her upright no longer. Rhaenyra carefully manoeuvred both of them to the nearest place to sit, which just so happened to be Alicent’s bed, and slowly lowered the queen onto it before joining her to once again take her into her arms.
They sat there for a long time, leaning against each other in silence, before Alicent somewhat recovered from the exhaustion that tended to follow particularly emotionally charged moments. Later, Alicent would dwell on the memory of Rhaenyra – who was normally the least patient person she had ever met – gently and silently holding her for what must have been nearly an hour without complaining even once.
In the moment, though, that thought didn’t even occur to her. Rhaenyra had always comforted her when they were children and though many moons had passed since then, the process still felt natural and familiar while it was happening. Alicent could almost pretend that everything was fine, but there was still that terrible voice in the back of her head, screaming to be let out until one of her worst secret fears spilled from her mouth unbidden.
“I am a terrible mother.”
She wasn’t crying any longer – she simply didn’t have the energy left for that. Instead, her voice was hollow, almost lifeless, even to her own ears, but she was too tired to care much about that. It all felt somewhat dull, as if she were watching herself through water rather than experiencing any of this herself. She had felt this way a lot ever since Helaena had been born, and even on occasion before that.
Rhaenyra shifted next to Alicent, slowly moving closer to her again and reaching out to touch her face. Her hand was firm yet gentle when it turned Alicent’s face toward her own, staying there even when Alicent’s eyes finally focussed on Rhaenyra’s face after staring numbly into nothing without seeing anything for far too long. Her eyebrows were furrowed and her eyes full of a strange type of pain, and her voice was so pleading she sounded nearly desperate for Alicent to understand.
“Of course you’re not! Don’t ever say that again. You are amazing and Aegon and Helaena are both lucky to have you.”
It felt like Rhaenyra was barely holding herself back from shaking Alicent to drive her point home, though the hand on her chin still held her gently, barely tensing while the hand on the blanket between them turned into a fist so tight her knuckles turned white. She sounded almost like she was in pain, and Alicent had to fight the urge to comfort her like she would have when they were still children.
Instead, she just leaned against Rhaenyra again, hoping that the contact might help both of them, and let out a deep sigh that had been building up inside her for years. She didn’t really mean to say anything else but more words spilled forth, exposing even darker secrets than she had ever spoken before, words that would have never been heard if Rhaenyra hadn’t been by her side again, and if Alicent hadn’t been so tired of keeping everything inside.
“Both of my children hate me. Aegon hits and kicks and bites and he never listens to me or anyone else, and Helaena never stops crying. I tried everything but she always screams when I hold her. And then you take her and she calms down immediately, it’s just not fair!”
She hadn’t meant to accuse Rhaenyra this way, hadn’t even noticed she was doing it until the words had left her mouth and landed heavily in the space between them. She wished desperately that she could take them back, that she would have never said them in the first place, because hurting Rhaenyra was the last thing she wanted. But, for some reason, Rhaenyra was still patient and kind and didn’t show offence or pull away. She still held Alicent and spoke in a voice so soft and comforting that it soothed all of the pain that had been plaguing Alicent for years now.
“Your children don’t hate you. How could they? You’re their mother, and even if you were not, it is impossible to hate you. At least, for me it is and trust me, I’ve tried…”
Alicent almost resented Rhaenyra for being so caring and sincere, it made it impossible to hate her, to feel jealous about how easily she could calm Helaena down, how easily she could make almost everyone she met instantly fall in love with her. Her charm had certainly worked with Alicent, who still longed for her even now, after everything that had happened between them. She was sure she would never truly get over her.
Then again, maybe that wasn’t such a bad thing. After all, Rhaenyra was still holding her close and reassuring her the way no one else ever had. There was no reason to resent her any longer if she had truly come back to Alicent, if she was actually going to stay this time. And of course there was no guarantee for that but, despite everything that had happened between them, despite all the fights and the years of estrangement, Alicent still trusted Rhaenyra.
Even with all of her newfound forgiveness and ancient hope filling Alicent’s heart, there was still this terrible jealousy she couldn’t shake off no matter how much she wanted to, no matter how terrible it made her feel. She should be happy, even relieved, that her children got along so well with Rhaenyra, and that Helaena was finally resting, but the pain was still there regardless.
She had gotten over the first waves of envy a long time ago. It had been hard but not impossible to accept that Rhaenyra simply had more freedom and an easier life than her, but this was different. This wasn’t just Rhaenyra having a higher social standing and a father that at least somewhat cared about her wishes, this was about both of them as people. More importantly, it was about Alicent’s children, and how Rhaenyra had won them over without even trying while they always rejected Alicent no matter what she did.
The resentment had been growing and festering inside her mind for years, spreading and infecting everything. She fought it, and mostly managed to keep it at bay, but the children had always been a sore spot. She had never figured out how to bond with Aegon, whom she still couldn’t look at without fighting the memories his mere existence brought up or urge to cry that followed after, and Helaena had never once let her hold her without screaming and crying until she passed out from exhaustion. It was all just too much, and Alicent couldn’t hold it in any longer.
“They do hate me! Sometimes, I think I hate them, too…”
Speaking the words and putting the horrible truth out for the first time felt strangely good. It brought a small amount of relief, though it couldn’t fully soothe the bone-deep ache that had followed Alicent wherever she went ever since the king had decided he would marry her. Not even Rhaenyra, who was still holding her and rocking her like one would a crying child, could fully take away that pain.
Alicent was working herself up into a frenzy that could rival Helaena at her worst, sobbing until no air was left in her lungs and she was sure she would die right there, in Rhaenyra’s warm embrace and with the knowledge that she had just confessed to the worst sin known to men.
Still, Rhaenyra held her through it all, as if Alicent wasn’t the worst kind of monster imaginable. Maybe it should have made her feel even worse, like she was taking advantage of her former friend’s kindness, like she was pulling her down into the darkness with her, but she was far too exhausted for that. All she could do was soak up Rhaenyra’s kindness and warmth and listen to her soothing words until she could almost believe them.
“Oh, Ali, no, please don’t cry! I know it’s hard and I’m sorry I wasn’t here to help you until now, but I promise you don’t have to keep doing this on your own any longer, even when things get hard…”
All of Alicent’s senses were overtaken by Rhaenyra. It took a while but eventually, she could even breathe again, Rhaenyra’s scent immediately filling her lungs and making the next breath come much easier. There was still the underlying odour of dragon and smoke that never quite left her no matter how many times she bathed, but Alicent could easily look past that and focus on Rhaenyra’s own scent. Even after all these years, she still smelled like home.
If she focussed hard enough, she could even hear the beating of Rhaenyra’s heart beneath her low voice, steady and familiar and painfully reassuring in a way that somehow just made Alicent cry even more, until she was gasping for air again. Rhaenyra just held her through all of it the way she had always done when they were still younger and almost carefree, though Alicent had had a tendency to worry even then.
But, just like when they were children, Rhaenyra knew exactly how to hold Alicent and how much pressure she had to apply when tracing circles on Alicent’s back so she could breathe again. Rhaenyra was also talking in that hypnotisingly low voice, speaking directly into Alicent’s ear, though Alicent had no idea what she was saying, only that it soothed her aching heart and finally made her mind slow down.
By the time Alicent’s tears ran dry, she realized how deeply tired she was after such a long and intense evening in an endless series of unbelievably exhausting days. Her eyes, still stinging from all of the crying, slowly slid closed and eventually refused to open again. Her previously tense body relaxed more with each moment she spent in Rhaenyra’s warmth and in no time at all, Alicent was halfway asleep.
She was tempted to just give in and finally get some real rest for the first time in years, but she had missed Rhaenyra more than she would ever admit, so she bit the inside of her cheek and hoped that the pain would keep her awake. She refused to miss out on even a single moment with Rhaenyra, at least not until she could be absolutely certain that they wouldn’t go back to another three years of distance as soon as she woke up again. She wasn’t sure if she could survive that a second time, the thought alone brought a fresh batch of tears to her eyes, though she outright refused to spill them this time.
Alicent didn’t want to waste another second with Rhaenyra, neither on crying nor sleeping, so she just let herself enjoy the safety she hadn’t felt since the last time Rhaenyra had held her, nearly four years ago. She had almost forgotten how warm the princess always was. On any other person, it would have been worrying, but Rhaenyra always claimed that it was normal for her to run this hot because she had the blood of the dragon. Alicent wasn’t sure if she believed that but she supposed it didn’t really matter, all that mattered was how nice Rhaenyra’s body felt against and around her own.
Against her wishes, Alicent eventually felt herself drifting closer to sleep again, nearing it with each passing second, no matter how hard she tried to stay awake. The only guaranteed way she could think of to not fall asleep was pulling away from Rhaenyra’s embrace, but she was pretty sure she wouldn’t have been able to do so even if she tried. She simply didn’t have the mental strength to deprive herself of her only source of comfort like this.
Instead, she revelled in the closeness even as her mind started to drift to those strange corners she avoided like the plague whenever she was anywhere near conscious. It wasn’t nearly as upsetting as it should have been – she couldn’t truly be upset when Rhaenyra was holding her like she never wanted to let go of her again – even as her worst and most shameful secrets spilled from her mouth in half-slurred words.
“Sometimes, I pretend that they are yours. It makes it easier to look at them and not hate them when things get hard. They look like you, more than like him, at least when they’re happy. Not that they’re happy often, but still.”
It took a moment for Alicent to realize what she had just said, but as soon as the words truly sunk in, she almost threw up from disgust at herself and fear of how Rhaenyra would react. She was absolutely terrified, but at the same time thought that she would deserve whatever consequences would come from this terrible confession for being such a terrible mother – such a terrible person.
She held her breath for much longer than she probably should have, nearly shaking from the suspense, but the outrage she had expected never came. In fact, Rhaenyra seemed to grow even warmer, holding Alicent just as close as before and softly talking into her ear the exact same way she had done before the terrible confession, though this time Alicent actually heard the words she said and not just the tone of her voice.
“They could be. I mean, it wouldn’t be official or anything, of course, but I’m pretty sure I could do a better job being there for them and helping you raise them than their actual father is. If you wouldn’t mind, of course.”
Rhaenyra had never been a particularly good liar, and she had never sounded more sincere than in that very moment. Alicent had never wanted to kiss her more, but she held herself back, not yet willing to give up her comfortable hiding spot in Rhaenyra’s shoulder even as her response fully sank in, at which point Rhaenyra’s arms around her middle were the only thing keeping her from jumping back so Alicent could look at her as she asked for even more reassurance.
“Do you really mean it? You would be willing to do all of that for me, knowing that they are not truly yours? Even knowing where they truly come from?”
Alicent slowly lifted up her head just enough that she could finally look at Rhaenyra’s face, eyes wide and full of wonder, though even the low candlelight was enough to make her blink a few times after keeping them closed and buried in Rhaenyra’s robe for as long as she had. As soon as she got used to the light again, though, she couldn’t stop staring at Rhaenyra’s completely open and sincere face.
Her mouth was set in a soft frown and her eyes were looking into Alicent’s with such an intensity that it nearly made her look away again. She held her gaze, though, not even blinking after those first few times, and waited for Rhaenyra’s response, though both of them already knew what she was going to say long before she opened her perfect mouth and actually answered, voice drenched in conviction and fire in her eyes.
“Of course I would. I can love them as my own, if you will have me. If you will let me love you again, as well…”
The urge to kiss her grew stronger with every word she said, but there was still a doubtful voice in the back of Alicent’s mind, keeping her urges under control and filling her head with worries that Rhaenyra had already soothed more than once. She really tried to push them back down or to just ignore them but, even after everything that had already been said and done, they still demanded to be voiced.
“You say that now but what about the future? Some day soon, you will have to be wed as well, and you will have your own family – your own children – you can love instead.”
Alicent knew that she sounded weak and scared and most likely close to tears again, but she just couldn’t help it, the words demanded to be let out and her voice refused to get any louder than a low and painful whimpering. It would have been embarrassing had she been talking to anyone other than Rhaenyra, who had known her since they were children, and who had always understood her better than anyone else.
Even with Rhaenyra’s kind and loving eyes on her, Alicent still had to fight the urge to run and hide so no one could see her shame, though she quickly realized that she wouldn’t have been able to do that even if she wanted to, which she didn’t, no matter how much her instincts insisted. She was tired – too tired to run – and the only reason she had been able to hide her feelings so far was because no one had bothered to look her way or pay even the slightest amount of attention to her.
But Rhaenyra looked, and she saw who Alicent was beneath all of her masks and defences, and she embraced her and loved her nonetheless, as if she were a person worthy of love and care and affection and not just a wretched and unlovable creature that deserved nothing but pain and suffering, and as if Rhaenyra didn’t have her own worries to care about.
They were even closer now than they had been at the beginning of their conversation, and Rhaenyra was smiling almost directly against Alicent’s lips. For a moment, they both seemed convinced that they would just close the remaining space between them in the kiss they had longed for since they were children, but apparently Rhaenyra felt like she needed to explain herself to Alicent even more than she already had first.
“That may be true but it will not change how I feel about you, or your children. Besides, I plan to put off finding a husband for as long as I possibly can. And even if I eventually get married, I will just make sure to find a husband who will leave me to do as I wish. After all, I will outrank whomever I am made to wed and I am sure my father will at the very least let me choose my own husband, just like yours should have done for you.”
Alicent was barely even listening to her at this point, but the meaning behind the words still somehow registered somewhere in the back of her mind, making her heart beat even faster than it already was and sending a pleasant shiver down her spine even before she leaned forward and finally connected her slightly chapped lips with Rhaenyra’s much softer ones.
It wasn’t anything like the sparks the books and songs she had been so fond of as a child had claimed, but she wouldn’t have changed it for anything in the world. It wasn’t her first kiss – it wasn’t even the first kiss she had shared with Rhaenyra – but it was by far the best, even with her chapped lips and the salty taste her tears had left on them, and she found herself distantly wishing that it could go on forever.
But then the dreadful realisation that she hadn’t asked Rhaenyra to kiss her before she had leaned in came to her mind and suddenly the only thing she could think of was that maybe the princess hadn’t actually wanted this and was now suffering just like Alicent did whenever the king demanded her presence. It was a terrifying thought that made her feel sick to her stomach, and she tried to separate herself from Rhaenyra as soon as it occurred to her, already preparing her apology in her mind.
However, Rhaenyra chased after her lips as soon as Alicent gave any indication that she might break the kiss, and even pulled her closer to press against her lips more persistently in response. She even managed to mouth an affirmative directly into Alicent’s mouth that finally let her understand that Rhaenyra wanted this just as much as she did, if not more. It was a thrilling discovery that finally allowed Alicent to give herself over to the kiss completely.
Things quickly grew more heated from that moment on, hands moving, and lips and tongues and even teeth exploring every part of each other’s mouth they could reach, until both women were out of breath and panting against each other. They calmed down a bit after that but the kisses didn’t stop for a long time, though they did grow less intense and less desperate after those first ones.
After a while, their mouths parted from each other, though Rhaenyra’s lips still refused to leave Alicent’s skin entirely, instead travelling first across her cheeks and forehead and then, after lingering on her face for quite some time, they moved down to her throat. It made Alicent feel strangely dizzy and light-headed in a way she only ever did when Rhaenyra was with her. She found herself wanting to return the kisses, to make Rhaenyra feel just as good, but she would have had to push the other woman’s head from her neck to do so, and that was something she simply didn’t feel capable of in that moment.
Rhaenyra’s lips eventually returned to Alicent’s, who was barely holding herself together at this point, though she still managed to return Rhaenyra’s now much softer kisses with the same fervour as before. The kiss wasn’t nearly as intense as it had been – not much more than a simple pass of lips against each other – but it carried just as much love in its gentle touches as the first one had been with all of its passion.
But even those small kisses eventually stopped when Alicent accidentally yawned directly into Rhaenyra’s mouth, sending both girls into a fit of delirious laughter. That was followed by more yawning on Alicent’s part and a fond expression and open arms on Rhaenyra’s. Just like before, Alicent gladly fell against her and let herself be held the way no one else had since her mother passed away. It almost lulled her to sleep but she caught herself just in time and lifted her head off Rhaenyra’s chest again to ask her one last question.
“Will you stay for the rest of the night? I truly have missed you over the past few years and I thing finding rest will be easier with you around.”
Alicent’s voice was rough and scratchy from exhaustion but Rhaenyra didn’t flinch away from the unexpected sound. She even squeezed her arms around Alicent’s now almost completely relaxed frame once and placed a small kiss on the top of her head before looking into her eyes – which were barely staying open at this point – with just as much love as she had been showing her all evening, and talking in that deep and gentle voice that Alicent would gladly listen to for hours.
“Of course. I’ll stay for as long as you will have me.”
It brought a smile to Alicent’s face and nearly made her sink into Rhaenyra again, grateful to finally get some real rest, but she managed to steel her mind enough to get out of Rhaenyra’s embrace and up from the bed they had both been sitting on so she could start actually getting ready for bed. She could feel Rhaenyra’s eyes on her the entire time as she walked over to her small mirror and let down her hair down, brushing it out slowly and hiding her own staring by using the mirror as a way to look while having her back turned to the rest of the room.
Though her hair was long and had gotten tangled in multiple spots throughout the day, it didn’t take too long to brush it out so, after only a few minutes, Alicent, still standing in front of her mirror and with her back to Rhaenyra, looked over her shoulder and addressed her with as much innocence as she could manage, though there was a flirtatious undertone to her words that she couldn’t fully keep out of her voice.
“Will you help me with my dress? It closes in the back and I do not wish to call for one of the servant girls now that I have already sent them away for the night.”
Rhaenyra didn’t even need to answer, she simply got up from her spot on the bed and slowly sauntered over to Alicent. There was some hesitation in her first touches but she soon regained her confidence and unlaced Alicent’s dress from behind. Her hands were shaking, but not enough that it would have been blatantly noticeable if Alicent hadn’t been paying so much attention to her, and she took in a sharp breath when the heavy dress finally slipped off Alicent’s shoulders and sank to the floor, revealing the simple shift she wore underneath.
Just like she did every night, Alicent made sure to pick up the dress and place it in its designated spot on top of one of her chests before she took the hand Rhaenyra offered her and followed her back to the bed, which looked more inviting than ever before. Alicent sunk beneath her pile of blankets and furs immediately, pulling Rhaenyra down with her and moving back into her embrace as soon as they had both settled down somewhat.
Alicent fell asleep as soon as her head came to rest on top of Rhaenyra’s surprisingly comfortable chest again. The last thing she remembered was a warm hand running through her hair and the gentle press of lips at the top of her head, then she was out. Safe and comfortable in Rhaenyra’s arms, Alicent managed to sleep through the night for the first time since she was just a girl of fourteen, and woke up smiling the next morning, still being held by Rhaenyra.