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I had died the tiniest death
She woke up in a cold sweat. ‘That nightmare again….’ she thought. She never really remembered it, just how she felt afterward. Like her soul had been ripped from her body and then stuffed back inside. Empty and too full, like mismatched puzzle pieces.
It was too early to leave for work, yet she didn't think there was a chance of her catching any more shut-eye. She sighed, got up and stretched, maybe she'll go on a walk. Try to clear her head. ‘It's just a recurring dream, there's no use dwelling on it.’ She tried to convince herself.
The walk had the opposite effect, she was spiraling in existential dread by the time she got back to her apartment. To snap out of it, she washed her face. It worked well enough.
She could worry about it later when she didn't have to get to work. There were contracts to fulfill and deals to negotiate.
Boarding the train to the recording studio, she held back her meaningless tears. Feeling too big for her body.
She'd always wanted to be a musician, she couldn't mess this up.
I spied the catch in your breath out , out, out, out, out, out
The battle had taken a toll on her body. She was littered with gashes and quite possibly missing a limb or two. She didn't know, it was all she could do just to keep breathing. She may have survived to see daylight, to see the outcome of this bloody war, but she didn't expect to last much longer.
Fine by her. The sooner she could see Kyojuro the better. Tanjiro may be upset with her for giving in so soon and letting herself die, but there was nothing else to keep her here. She'd had her revenge. Cut Akaza’s head off herself, though it was a near thing.
Is this how Kyojuro felt? At peace with his own demise? She wasn't as strong as him, but she hoped he was proud of how she did. How long she held out, biding her time and her rage long enough to defeat the demon that killed him. Prevent him from killing anyone else.
Yes. Soon she would see him again.
North bound I got carried away as you boarded your train south, south, south, south, south, south
They met up at the train station. Kyojuro had successfully killed a demon the night before, and she was sure he would succeed against the real threat as well.
“Here's a bento! I bought a few from the people I saved last night!” His very being roared with life, a bright flame in this pitch black world.
She side eyed him. “A few?” Based on his back pack that he wasn't carrying earlier, it was surely more than a few.
He roared with laughter, a dust of rose adorned his nose. He scratched his cheek. “It's a very good bento.”
She etched his image in her mind’s eye, and swore to never forget this moment. He was like the sun and she couldn't help but blind herself.
A feather taken by the wind blowing
A kakushi approached her and started emergency aid on her wounds.
“No, it's alright,” she wanted to say. Nothing came out.
“No… No…” is all that came out.
“It'll be alright, we've got you now.” He said.
She tried to shake her head, “No…”
The kakushi was applying pressure and yelling something. She couldn't hear what over the ringing in her ears, but more survivors came and started helping out. Black was started creeping from the edges of her vision.
“It's no use,” she tried. Unable to tell if they had heard her. Even if she wanted to be, she didn't think anyone would be able to save her with Shinobu gone.
“Leave me to die!” sounded only in her head, with no one to hear it.
A girl in pigtails and butterflies took charge, and she was proven wrong.
I'm afflicted by the not knowing
She had just completed a mission, when her crow flew over and perched beside her. That's weird, usually after a job well done her crow flies away to report to Master Ubuyashiki.
The bird looked at her with sad eyes, and she was struck by how birds were able to convey that much emotion.
“The Flame Hashira was killed in battle.”
The world fell from under her. The crow kept on with the report, but all she heard was her pounding heart. She struggled to get air into her lungs and braced her arms on the ground. When did she get on the ground?
Not him. Not him. Not Him.
Visions of beautiful ceremonies, and late night talks under the stars, and quiet gentle embraces in the dead of night, and fierce hard-won battles, and little kids full of potential running around a quaint house away from all the darkness of the world spun like a hurricane in her mind, bearing destruction in its path. Tearing her apart from the inside out.
She caught a snippet of her crow’s report. “Upper Rank Three?” She asked, her voice hoarse.
The crow nodded, wetness in its eyes.
Her resolve hardened, her voice like steel, “Contact the other Hashira, I need to train.”
so I look in people's windows tra nsfixed by rose golden glows
She ghosted through the halls of the butterfly estate, having stopped by to visit Shinobu between missions. She passed the kitchen, the butterfly girls were all inside, cooking little dumplings. It seemed a boy staying there had caught the interest of one or two of the girls and they wanted to make him some food.
The triplets hadn't had much experience in the kitchen yet and were making a mess, Aoi was loudly berating them, fruitlessly trying to get them to follow directions. Kanao peacefully pinched corners together with a small smile, ignorant of the chaos around her.
Fighting the tears filling her eyes, she walked faster to her destination.
She knocked on the door to Shinobu’s room, who opened it with a little smile. How Shinobu could do that, she didn't know. She could learn a lot from her about tempering her anger and biding her time.
She hasn't smiled in months.
They have their friends over to drink nice wine
She had been against it. She was a Hashira! She didn't need a husband. The Corps paid her well, and she couldn't imagine bringing children into this world knowing that demons lurked about. That she would have to teach them how to fight, even if they didn't want to.
But it wasn't up to her. It had been arranged when they were just children.
Her parents could've done worse, she supposed. He was also in the Demon Slayer Corps, had grown up in this life like she had. She'd talked to him, and fought beside him, she wasn't getting married to a stranger. No, it was the newly appointed Flame Hashira, Rengoku. A man she had vainly been harboring affections for since she had met him.
Well, maybe not so vainly anymore. She didn't think she'd mind marriage if it was him on the other side of the knot.
She looked over at Rengoku, or is it Kyojuro now?, and found him avoiding her gaze.
A dark cloud passed over her head. He was against it as well, it seemed.
I look in people's windows in case you're at their table
“Kyojuro!” she shouted, grabbing his attention.
He beamed at her from across the road. It was nice to meet up between missions sometimes. She smiled back as he ran the last few steps to her.
They walked in tandem to a nearby town, hoping to grab lunch. As much as their crows wanted them to move on to the next mission, soldiers needed to eat too. Light hearted chatting filled the air, until he impulsively decided to hold her hand.
Her footsteps faltered. “Kyojuro?”
He looked at her with near pleading eyes. “Is this ok?”
The gentle look she gave him could have killed him right there. She felt like electricity as she squeezed his hand and continued on the way, letting him keep her hand in his.
Lunch was pleasant, if a little loud. Kyojuro savored every bite with a shout. If it were anyone else she would be annoyed, but for him she found she didn't mind. He was endearing like that.
“Are you heading back to the estate?” she asked.
He nodded. “Yes, Senjuro wants to train some more.”
“He’s been trying to manifest flames for years. I don't know that swordsmanship is for him. I just- he's not suited for this life, I wish…” she trailed off, unable to finish.
Kyojuro knew what she was getting at, but he looked at her silently, waiting for her to finish.
She sighed, “I just mean… no one should have the burdens of fighting demons placed on them. Least of all Senjuro. He's such a kind hearted boy, and he deserves to live a life of his own choosing.”
This was a touchy subject for her, Kyojuro knew. They had both been born into the war against demons. Had been bred for it, reared with it in mind, trained to fight since they could walk. And, mostly recently, had found themselves betrothed to each other against their will.
Well, kind of. He didn't know about her, but he's loved her since he first laid eyes on her. In her fierce teenage petulance, demanding to be taken seriously.
“I agree, so let's make sure he doesn't have to, alright?” he grinned at her. In that moment he was sure he could defeat Kibutsuji, if only just to give her peace.
It was nearing time for them to part ways. Daylight was burning, and she needed to reach her destination before nightfall. Before the demon she was after killed another innocent person.
He kissed her forehead before turning to leave. He was so flustered, he just about ran away from her. Missing her own flushed face.
What if your eyes looked up and met mine on e more time
The blare of an alarm woke her. She checked the clock, 3 in the morning. Did she set the wrong alarm?
It kept ringing, louder than her little phone could produce. It was deafening. Her mind slowly unfogging. It was hot, but she didn't know why. Her vision wasn't clearing, was that smoke?
Clarity struck her, washing away her tired confusion. Her apartment building was on fire.
Oh. Wait no, she needed to get out. She ran to the door, hoping she had pants on but too frantic to check. She grabbed the doorknob, but quickly pulled her hand back with a hiss. Was the fire outside her door? How was she supposed to get out then?
The fire escape! She nearly slapped her forehead, feeling dumb in hindsight. She was starting to feel light headed, but she forced her way to the window where the fire escape was located. She pushed the window open, and surveyed the havoc surrounding her building.
Dread filled her. The fire escape had fallen. When was the last time they had it inspected?
She wouldn't make that jump.
Smoke slowly filled her little apartment, fire encroaching on the place she's called home for the past two years. She heaved, gasping for air. Her vision was turning black, was she passing out? She slid to the ground and focused on breathing. There was more oxygen on the ground, right?
Her skin felt red hot, her breaths came out ragged. ‘Concentrate,’ she thought, before passing out.
Her apartment door slammed open, “Is anyone in here?!” a voice boomed.
He quickly checked every room; one hand on the wall, crawling on the ground, and using his ax handle as a guide. The landlord said that the person who lived here was unaccounted for, he just hoped that when he found her she was still alive.
“Is anyone in here?!” He shouted again, praying for an answer this time.
A gust of relief filled him when he heard someone coughing from across the room.
“It'll be alright, I've got you!”
He found her at the window, she must've tried for the fire escape. Surprisingly, it was a good thing she hadn't gotten there earlier. The rickety staircase was too fragile and would've buckled under an adult's weight. The fall would have killed her.
He peered out the window and called for a ladder. They weren't in the clear just yet. Her hands were burned, possibly from trying to open the door, and she inhaled enough smoke to pass out.
He hauled her up on his shoulder in a fireman's carry. Now that he was by the window, he could see much more clearly. For a second, he thought that somewhere under all that soot was someone he knew. Just as quickly, the feeling passed. It must've been his imagination
You had stopped and tilted your head I still ponder what it meant now, now, now, now, now, now
She walked him to his train. Her departure time being later than his afforded her the opportunity to wave Kyojuro off. They only had a few more moments together before he had to leave.
“Stay safe, Kyojuro, see you soon.” She had told him.
He paused for a moment, tilted his head, considering. Opened his mouth as if he was about to say something.
The warning bell rang, shattering the moment.
He smiled brightly at her, and then boarded.
“I love you,” she said to no one. Hoping that was what he wanted to say.
To her surprise, he came rushing out the door and placed his hands on her shoulders. He took a deep breath, steeling himself.
“Kyojuro! You're going to miss you-”
And then kissed her.
It ended almost as quickly as it began, they didn't have time for anything else. Besides, they were in public.
She stared at him rosy-cheeked and wide-eyed as he boarded for real this time. He grinned and waved as the train rolled out of the station.
She prayed for his safe return, for a successful mission. She prayed to be able to tell him the words weighing heavily on her heart, and that he tasted like bento.
She ignored the feeling that he was leaving forever. Next time; she'll tell him next time.
I tried searching faces on streets w h at are the chances you'd be downtown, d owntown, downtown
She didn't know why she was here. Moving was a big commitment, especially to a random city where she had no connections. No family, no friends, she didn't even have a job yet. She was truly on her own.
It was overwhelming and liberating all at the same time.
“Why'd you move all the way out there, anyway?” her mom asked, having called after she got settled in her new home.
She debated telling her mom the truth, that she just felt she was missing something. There was another piece to her puzzle waiting for her, and she wasn't going to find it staying in her same old town. She just had to get out.
No, she couldn't tell her mom that she didn't actually know. Mother would be on the next train over to move her back.
“I already told you, all the big record labels are here. If I want to make it, I have to get signed. And that's not going to happen in our little town.”
Her same old town didn't have anything left for her. She needed to leave to chase her dream, sure. But also to find what she's been searching for all this time. To find meaning in her life.
She went out after the call. The meaning of life may not be downtown, but she had to check anyway.
Does it feel alright to not know me? I'm addicted to the 'if only'
Tanjiro came to a stop at the door of her house, noticing that the landscaping was starting to look overgrown. He was suddenly wracked with nerves he didn't feel when he visited the Rengoku estate.
The door slid open before he could knock. The figure in the genkan moved like a reticulated doll with bones of steel.
“Hello?”
Tanjiro was struck by how different she looked from the person he had seen not too long ago at the Hashira meeting. Her grief had flushed away the once vibrant face that had looked at Rengoku with such admiration. Her previously well kept hair seemed to have not been brushed in a few days and her clothing not as neatly tucked into place.
It looked like life had been sucked out of her.
He waited too long to respond, but she just stood there waiting for him to say something. Tanjiro, suddenly at a loss for words, could just stare at her.
She sighed and invited him inside.
“Pardon the intrusion.” He murmured and he shuffled off his sandals.
She led him to the sitting room. “Did you want some tea or anything?” she all but whispered.
“Oh! No, that's alright,” Tanjiro said, before realizing she had already stalked to the kitchen.
The time it took to prepare the tea was silent, he couldn't even hear her steps when she walked back and handed him a cup. Tanjiro politely took a sip, the tea wasn't very good but he wouldn't let it show on his face.
She got right to the point, “Why are you here?”
Tanjiro swallowed, “I… was on that mission with Rengoku when he….”
“Died.” She filled in, eyes glossy.
“Right. Well, he asked me to deliver a few final messages for him.”
Her breath hitched, and she looked down. “He… Kyojuro had one for me?”
“Yes, of course!” Tanjiro could barely hold back his shouting. “You were his fiancee, right? He thought the world of you.”
She placed her head in her hands, and nodded at him to continue.
“He wanted me to tell you that he's sorry he can't make it home, and that he's always loved you.”
Tanjiro just couldn't sit there and watch and she quietly wept into her hands. He got up and rubbed her back, tried to offer whatever shallow comfort he could.
Soon, Tanjiro dismissed himself to leave her alone with her grief. She smelled like love and sadness. But most of all, she smelled like rage.
So I look in people's windows l ike I'm some deranged weirdo
Mitsuri was ecstatic at the news. “You're engaged to Rengoku?!” she squealed and hugged her and cried a little.
“It seems that way….” she looked down.
Shinobu elbowed her. “Why so down?” Having been friends for years, Shinobu knew all her reservations about marriage.
But not the object of her affections, she hadn't told anyone that, planned on taking it to her, probably early, grave.
“It was arranged when we were just kids,” she said glumly, “I don't think he wants any part of it.”
“Did you?” Shinobu asked in that unassuming voice of hers, an eyebrow raised.
She quickly changed the subject, “Mitsuri, did I hear you say you were going out to eat with Iguro after the Hashira meeting?”
Mitsuri blushed and quickly derailed the original conversation in favor of her own love life.
I attend Christmas parties from outside
The Kamado boy had been injured again. He left on a mission with Uzui and came back half dead. Not to mention the state of the Sound Hashira, missing an arm and an eye. The corps would miss him, he was strong and his wives useful.
She couldn't bring herself to care, angry that he got to live in peace with his wives in the countryside or the city or by the sea. Anywhere they wanted. Jealous she didn't get that.
Kyojuro cared for the long term health of the boy, so she decided to visit him. Tanjiro’s glowing smile reminded her too much of him, but she could deal with it; it's what he would've wanted.
As she approached his room, she spied what ruckus was happening inside it.
The Boar boy was on the ceiling, the butterfly girls were all freaking out in their own way, and a kakushi had dropped some kind of pastry.
He would be alright, he had his friends to look after him.
She headed to Shinobu's room.
I look in people's windows In case you're at their table
It was an awkward dinner. They're families had left them alone to talk privately. They didn't, certain in their suspicions that the other wanted nothing to do with the whole ordeal.
Kyojuro silently took a bite. The final straw.
“What, no ‘umai!’?” she teased.
He scratched his cheek, embarrassed.
“Sorry,” she said, “This isn't really how I imagined my life would go.”
“I think I know the feeling.” Besides, she'd made that clear in the very vocal argument with her parents just an hour ago.
She winced, “Right. At least we're in the same boat.”
He didn't think it was quite so. Not unless she was harboring secret feelings for him, like how he did for her.
“Right,” he smiled at her. If nothing else, he could share that with her.
What if your eyes looked up and met mine
“If you weren't a Demon Slayer, what would you want to be?”
The question came out of nowhere. They had been basking in the afternoon light, sitting close, but not as close as Kyojuro would've liked, when she asked him.
“Well, I imagine had my family not been Demon Slayers-” He starts, but stops once she shakes her head.
“No, I mean you. Forget the Demon Slayers, forget your family, forget duty. If you could be anything in the world, anything at all, what would you choose?” The way she looks at him is so serious, he couldn't dare look away.
He wanted to answer her question sincerely, but truthfully? The only thing he wanted in life was to make his family proud. And maybe at the end of it all, marry her. He lost the war and looked down, he couldn't say that. Not when he knew she didn't feel the same way.
“I guess… I'm not sure. I haven't ever thought about it before.”
She hummed and looked to the clouds, probably dissatisfied with his answer.
“And you? What would you be?”
She looked back at him again and smiled, “I've always wanted to be a musician!”
One more time
Long after the rescue effort, the firefighter stayed with her in the hospital. Luckily, he had a reputation for visiting the people he had saved, so no one batted an eye. He didn't know what it was, but for some reason she was so familiar to him. He didn't know her from anywhere, he even checked his old year books to confirm.
What was it?
She'd been in and out of consciousness since the incident, eyes glazed over mumbling something at him. The landlord said her parents were coming later, but he didn't want her to be all alone in a strange environment. He'd give himself till then to stay with her.
A few weeks later he ran into her leaving an interesting little restaurant. The food was good, but something about the lovely mismatched owners always made him feel like he was forgetting something.
She had a mini keyboard in her arms. She blinked up at him seeming to recognize-
“Kyojuro?”
Ah, nevermind, she must have him confused with someone else.
“Sorry, no, you must have me mixed up with someone else. You were involved in that apartment fire, right?”
Her face turned red at her blunder, “I'm so sorry, that's so embarrassing! But you were the one who saved me, right?”
He nodded, “I'm glad to see you're well!” Pointing at her keyboard, “Are you a musician?”
“Yes! I can't sing right now, my voice is still a little messed up from the smoke inhalation, but I've been writing songs in the meantime.”
“That's great!” She's always wanted to be a musician, his mind filled in for him. He ignored it, how would he know? He's just met her.
Her eyes turned serious, “Thank you for saving me.”
He scratched his cheek, embarrassed, “Well, you know, it's my job.”
“I mean it, I'd be dead if it wasn't for you. And then my mom would've been right, and that would've been the biggest tragedy of all!”
He laughed with her, “Right about what?”
“Just that moving to the city for ‘a pipe dream' was going to ‘be the death of me’ she's so dramatic sometimes,” she rolled her eyes at the thought.
They kept on talking like old friends. He told her about some funny incidents he's come across while on the job, she told him about her new apartment with an up to code fire escape.
She felt that mismatched puzzle piece click into place. No longer did she feel like she was missing something important, it was all right here.