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In her later and more subdued years, Walburga Black found herself entrapped in a cycle of no stop cynical thoughts. She often found herself screaming, from within her head, “tell me, father, for which should I beg for forgiveness: what I am or what I am not?”
The answer was clear— both.
It was unlikely that Walburga would ever be able to garner the forgiveness she desired, that much she knew, not when the only people who could give it were dead. Sirius, her eldest and prized son, Regulus, her youngest and most precious son, and Druella who had once been everything. Walburga was no stranger to despair but when she had learnt that the last person she cared for was dead something had snapped.
Perhaps it was not a broken heart, for her heart had broken decades ago, but rather a crushed soul. There was nothing of her left except a brain that screamed for forgiveness like a broken record. Forgiveness that would never be granted.
All too well she knew the feeling of despising a parent. When she was young and naive she had promised herself, and her future children, that she would never end up like her father. Walburga had fulfilled this promise and instead became her mother. Silent and complacent in the abuse of her two children.
On the days where she has to care for the dying frame that was once her husband she longs for time to turn back. For her to be able to make a different decision to run away when she had the chance. To give her boys the mercy of never being born. It never happens, of course.
Particularly on days where she doesn’t have to see Orion, her mind drifts back to days and nights with Druella.
“ Do you ever wish it was different?” Druella had asked her once, sitting on the end of her bed with nothing but her white night gown on. “I do. I think I would’ve liked to be born into a different family even if it meant having no money.”
A gasp had escaped from Walburga’s lips had she listened. “Druella, you shouldn’t say such things.”
“Why not,” she mumbled, “if we had been two other people perhaps we could’ve been together.”
“You know that’s not how it works.” Walburga had replied, lifting a gentle hand to caress Druella’s cold cheek. “We’re both girls. It could never have worked between us, you know that.”
Druella fell onto her back. “Perhaps, but we would have been able to live together as friends and no one would have to know. At least for a little while anyway. Instead you have to marry your cousin and I your brother.”
“I’m sorry,” she whispered.
“Well, it’s not your fault. The universe just had to make us both women. If one of us were a man perhaps we could have gotten married.”
“Perhaps.”
Walburga had lied that night, their last night. They never would have married anyway. Pollux, her father, had engaged her to Orion when she was just five years old. Her cousin had developed some kind of infatuation with her and then Walburga’s fate was sealed. She would marry her cousin and she would be happy about it.
“Isn’t it strange that we leave Hogwarts tomorrow?” Druella had asked, pulling away from a rather desperate kiss. “We’ll never be able to see each other again. Your father won’t even allow us to continue our friendship because he’s sending you and Orion off to France.”
Walburga had rolled into her stomach. “We knew this was going to happen. Really, it was rather silly of us to continue with this charade knowing it would only break our hearts.”
“You’re right,” Druella had replied.
“I don’t regret it though.” Walburga continued. “I will treasure the years we got to have until I die.”
Druella sighed, “is there really no way we could run off to Greece and be happy.”
“We can’t.” Walburga left a soft kiss on her lips. “My father would kill us if we tried.”
“At least we would be together in death.”
“I can’t let you die.”
In the end that would be Walburga’s greatest regret. If she had accepted it and ran, even if it killed her, she would’ve saved herself and her sons. In another life she can only hope she accepted and ran away. Druella had been right, even if they were dead at least they could have been together. Now, even if they meet again in the afterlife, they will never amount to what they had once desired.
Her thoughts of Druella often shifted to her sons.
“There there, Sirius, you must play nicely with your brother, he's only two.” she had chided Sirius after he had pushed Regulus over.
“And a half!” Sirius had responded. “And I'm only four.”
“Yes my sweet boy you are only little aren't you.” Walburga had said, caressing her son's head. “Unfortunately, you are the older brother so you must always be kind even if it's frustrating.”
Sirius pouted. “But Reggie doesn’t know how to play properly, it's so annoying! He’s two years old and an idiot.”
Walburga had chuckled at her eldest boy’s aggravation. Their serenity was cut short.
“Sirius Black. You are old enough to speak with proper etiquette. If I hear any more ridiculousness from your mouth there will be consequences.”
Truthfully, Walburga had always hated Orion but it only deepened when Sirius was born. She was a mother and yet she had to watch their father dampen the natural light they had in their eyes. Hatred ran deeper than that though. It bloomed the first day her own father had come and explained to her child-self that her own cousin had some childhood infatuation with her, naturally that meant they were to be married as soon as she was eighteen.
In their youth her brothers had also hated him. Orion was stealing their older sister away. As they got older the hatred never truly faded it shifted into a sort of twisted jealousy. Not only had he ripped their big sister from their grasp, he had become the Black heir. At some point, Walburga thinks their jealousy extended to her, at least she married the heir, what did they get?
“It’s not right, Walburga.” Alphard had said one evening when they were still in contact. “The way that man treats Sirius and Regulus is wrong. Parents are supposed to take care of their children, not put them in harm's way.”
“I know,” she replied.
“Then why let him?”
Walburga had sighed, “if I try to stop him he locks them in their rooms and doesn’t allow them any food. I can't bear to see my babies starve in such a way so I just try my best to make sure they abide by his rules.”
“Fuck,” he groaned, “that man is evil I just- I’m so sorry father married you off to him.”
“I so wish that I had been unable to reproduce as they suspected. Sirius and Regulus deserve so much more than I can give them. I only hope that one day they manage to get out of this damned house.”
—
Orion’s death came as a blessing. A year after Druella and exactly five years after Sirius. 18th June 2001.
Walburga’s death came not long after. In her last days, she was inclined to think she only lived past her husband out of pure spite. It was the will to outlive the man that doomed her that got her here. When she did die, it was peaceful and quiet, alone in her eldest son's bedroom with Kreacher to alert what was left of her family members so she could have a funeral.