Chapter Text
If you would have asked any of his classmates back in high school to describe Sasaki in three words, the answer would probably have been chaotic, unreliable and troublesome.
He never cared about rules, he never cared about his classes, he never cared about the people around him. He would spend the nights watching movies and working on new recipes he could try out in the bakery his family owned, he would doodle silly things on blank pages on which he was supposed to write down his homework. He would oversleep nearly everyday, skipping breakfast just to be able to run to the train station, even though he already missed his first class. He would appear rude and distant, with a cold glance and rough voice, keeping everyone as far away as possible except 2 or 3 people. He would skip every school event, would rush back home as soon as the bells rang, without looking back, without hesitation.
For most of the people, school was a place to socialize, to make friends, to hang out together.
For Sasaki, it was nothing but a nuisance.
Sasaki didn’t care about his future. At least, not the way he should have. Whenever he thought about his future, he pictured himself in their small but lovely bakery, creating new delicious pastries and cakes, enjoying the way his customers would beam at him whenever it smelled or tasted nice. He would see himself placing a small extra in the bags of families with children, working day in day out to make that place a comfortable and cozy one. In his kitchen, he was for himself. No one bothered him except his sister whenever he made more sweets than necessary. In his kitchen, he was in his element, knowing exactly what to do, without the need to talk or socialize. It was just him, and the ingredients waiting for him to turn them into delicious sweets, tasty bread, exceptional cakes.
He never pictured himself in an office, wearing one of those business suits which felt as uncomfortable as they looked. He never pictured himself showing around people who had more money in their bank account than Sasaki could ever dare imagine. Not even once did he imagine himself praising real estates to people he would normally never talk to.
And yet here he was, walking straight into the office of a renowned real estate company. Sasaki wasn’t nervous. He knew he would walk out of that building with a contract. For the past three years he worked hard, harder than he could ever have imagined back when he started high school.
Back then, school was nothing but a nuisance, a place he was forced to serve time until he finally graduated, until he was finally able to work full time at the bakery.
But then he met Miyano.
And Miyano changed everything.
If Sasaki’s life was a cold and dark room, Miyano was the sunlight. Warm and colorful, beaming and bright. Sasaki was never looking for love. Love found him .
Love found him in the most unexpected way, struck him down and left him breathless within the blink of an eye. Sasaki always laughed at people telling him about love at first sight. He didn’t laugh when he looked into Miyano’s eyes for the very first time.
Back then, Sasaki considered himself straight, someone who had crushed on girls before, who even went out on a date or two, nothing more. He never thought about any other options. But when he first looked into those two big and bright hazel eyes, it didn’t matter anymore. He was confused, clearly caught off guard by the impact of those feelings towards another guy, but it didn’t last long. Sasaki didn’t even try to fight it. He just stood still as the wave of emotions washed him away, leaving nothing but pure admiration and affection for the boy called Miyano Yoshikazu.
Before he knew it, Sasaki started going to high school. Not just attending, like he used to. When he kept his gaze lowered before, he started looking, keeping an eye out for that boy, trying to get in touch. When he kept his mouth shut before, he started talking, to get any information possible about that beautiful guy. When he rushed out of school as soon as the bells rang, he found himself lingering now, dragging out the time for a chance to run into Miyano again, for a single chance to talk to him.
And talk they did. Miyano was very cautious at first, but at soon as they found a hobby they could share, he was unstoppable. Miyano could talk for hours, beaming at him like sunlight itself whenever Sasaki praised a BL manga Miyano recommended before. You could give him a single name of a character and Miyano was able to hold a whole presentation about the characteristics, about the relationships in the mangas, about the looks, about the top or bottom preferences of said character. Sasaki didn’t need to do much. He just listened. Hours slowly turned into days, into weeks and ultimately into months. Until everything he was able to think about was Miyano. Who would look at him like no one ever did before. Who could smile so brightly it was intoxicating. Who could laugh at the dumbest jokes and get flustered with ease. Who would blush in the most adorable way.
Miyano, who was struck speechless when Sasaki finally confessed his feelings with trembling hands and a racing heart.
Sasaki knew there was no chance for him to win him over. He knew he had nothing to offer, no solid future plans, no steady life, no bright and friendly appearance and no self-confidence. And on top of that, Miyano himself was not into guys.
And yet, he considered. He didn’t turn him down. Instead, he asked for more time to think about it. And that was much more Sasaki could ever have hoped for.
Day after day he could sense curious eyes on him, eyes of someone who tried to figure out if he could love Sasaki back, if this really could be more than mere admiration, more than a crush for someone who cherished him, who was considerate and attentive in every single way. Miyano took his time, several months, just because he was afraid to promise something he wasn’t able to give. That alone was more than anyone ever did before and Sasaki was grateful. So incredibly grateful for the mere chance, a sliver of hope. Miyano could have had it easy. Turning Sasaki down would have been understandable and expected, he didn’t need to go that far, he didn’t need to think about it day and night, to sort out his feelings. And yet he did.
Sasaki was patient. He never expected to hear anything but a firm “no”. He waited and waited. He waited until he couldn’t keep it together, until his feelings overwhelmed him and he pushed it too far. He waited until he wanted too much at once, trying to kiss Miyano in public before he even got a proper answer. It was not the first time Sasaki overstepped lines but it was the first time he regretted it, the first time he was ashamed because of his lack of self-control. Again, Sasaki has been sure he messed it up, that he scared Miyano away before he even got the chance to talk to him, to give him his answer. It would have been easy for Miyano to walk away that day, to let him go and forget about it, forget about him. And Yet, he didn’t.
He followed him back home as soon as he left his meeting at school, he took the train and just stood there, breathless and wide-eyed.
Sasaki didn’t want to hear it. He left as soon as realization struck him and he fled, like the damn coward he was. He knew he messed up. He knew he overstepped. He knew he lost control. But he didn’t want to hear about the consequences. He wanted to keep his sparkle of hope, that maybe, one day, they could be a thing. That Miyano would have had it in him to love Sasaki back. He wasn’t ready to lose his hope, especially not because he was the one who fucked this up.
And yet he was there, looking at him with determination, the words “I won’t let you go anywhere without hearing me out first” clearly written all over his face.
What followed was the most chaotic and unexpected love confession imaginable. Miyano didn’t know what he did. The words kept spilling out uncontrolled, he talked about admiration and friendship, about hugging and being close, about longing and wanting. He talked about love. His confession was chaotic and rushed, uncoordinated and confusing. It was an unfiltered glimpse in his head.
It was perfect.
He was perfect.
Miyano just stood there, illuminated by the setting sun, looking distressed and excited alike, with his disheveled hair and his bag dangling from his shoulder. He looked beautiful.
In this moment Sasaki knew he would give him his everything.
He studied hard, he worked hard, he saved up as much as he could. All he wanted was to make the best out of the chance Miyano granted him. He wanted to be someone Miyano could rely on, someone who could offer him a good and stable life. Someone who could not only win over his love but also keep it close.
Sasaki never cared about his future, but the mere thought of sharing a future with Miyano was enough to change this.
Once he finally confessed his feelings and agreed to date Sasaki, Miyano took things very seriously. He may have taken his time before he gave his answer, but the reason was clear; for Miyano, this was no simple crush or a nice high school romance. Whenever he thought of the possibility of being in a relationship with Sasaki, he considered him long term. Whenever Miyano talked about his future plans, Sasaki was a part of it.
It was as touching as it was frightening. Because Sasaki didn’t know if he could really live up to his expectations. Up until then, he has been nothing but careless. Miyano might have laughed every time Sasaki showed up way too late for his classes, still sleep drunk and tired, but Sasaki slowly started worrying.
Worrying, if he really would be able to provide a life with Miyano at his side, to offer him a home, a safe place to grow old together. If he would be able to treat him like he deserved to be treated. To love him like he deserved to be loved.
Miyano was the first one to notice that Sasaki had changed. How eager he’d become to arrive on time for his classes, to study in order to improve his grades. Their visits in the bookstore became increasingly rare, as did their time together to read and discuss manga.
It became even worse after Sasaki started to attend college and Miyano was heading towards his own graduation. But they made it. Somehow they always found some time to spare, to see each other, to love each other. It was amazing, the things they discovered and learned about each other as well as all the firsts they shared.
Sasaki would never forget their first date, a romantic picnic which ended in disaster because it suddenly started pouring and neither of them thought about bringing an umbrella. They were running on their way home, drenched and laughing. It was a mess. It was the best date Sasaki ever had.
He would never forget the first time Miyano stayed for the night, pretending to be way too tired and sleepy to go home just yet. But as soon as it was clear he could stay over, he was wide awake, smiling brightly as he curled up next to Sasaki, his head resting on Sasaki’s chest, his hands warm and teasing on Sasaki’s skin.
He would never forget the first time Miyano invited him over, blushing furiously when he told Sasaki his parents were out for the weekend, with a clear intention in his wavering voice. They kissed like they never kissed before, they touched and explored each other, Miyano was constantly flustered and Sasaki was constantly teasing, but they never stopped. It was messy, it was clumsy. It was perfect.
They treasured the little time they had for each other, in every way they could.
When they finally were able to make enough time for a short vacation, Miyano was beaming, starting to make plans for the whole week, looking for places they could visit together for the time of their stay. Sasaki was the one who found the vacation cottage, slightly isolated, surrounded by woods and one beautiful lake. Yet it was near their hometown, only half an hour by train. It was doable. It was affordable. It was everything they were looking for.
In the end, they rarely left the house.
It felt too good, having all the time in the world together without caring about studies, applications, graduation and college. It was nice to have some time alone without being constantly interrupted by noisy sisters and nosy parents. It was amazing to get a glimpse of how they could live together.
“This here is like our very own paradise, a perfect place to grow old together.
Don’t you think?”
Sasaki could still feel the sting in his chest when he heard those words, dreamingly spoken. As if Miyano already knew this was something they would never have, but he wanted to dream about it anyway. Sasaki knew he could rent a broom closet and Miyano would still be able to find something exciting and nice about it. But back then, in the orange shades of the setting sun, he allowed himself to dream. About a perfect and beautiful future with Sasaki at his side. And Sasaki knew there and then, he wanted to do everything he could to make this dream come true.
He took a last deep breath before he entered the building, before he was greeted by several businessmen who gladly guided him to the HR office.
“Sasaki Shuumei, 20 years old, recently graduated from college with impressive grades,” a deep and scratchy voice greeted him, before the stern man in front of him offered his hand for a short handshake and gestured to him to sit down. Sasaki already despised him. He gave a quick and polite nod in return and sat down.
“I have to admit, your application was.. unique. When I looked over your CV I couldn’t help but wonder why someone who actually only worked at a bakery before would be interested in a job as a real estate agent in our company. I have to admit I almost considered turning down your application.”
Only worked at a bakery , Sasaki thought bitterly.
That’s what Sasaki hated the most, that was the main reason he never wanted to be part of the business world. All those people, nicely dressed, who look down on everyone else, who never cared to appreciate the ones who provided the warm and fresh bread they ate for breakfast as if it was nothing. He tried his best not to flinch, not to roll his eyes and not to sigh in annoyance. Sasaki couldn’t allow himself to get carried away, not this time.
“And yet I am here.” He said calmly with a faint and polite smile on his lips.
“And yet you are here.” The man repeated, carrying an equal, false smile. “Because despite your clear lack of experience in the real estate industry, you somehow managed to leave an impression. You sure know how to sell yourself.”
“I wouldn’t be able to work here otherwise.”
At that, the man laughed. His gaze was sharp when he looked back to meet Sasaki’s eyes.
“A little bold, aren’t we? Not even 5 minutes and you are already speaking of working here like it is a given thing.”
“Because it is.”
“What gives you that impression?” He asked with a cold smile on his lips. “We have applicants with way more experience. What makes you think that you, out of all, will be an equal match? You are lacking professionality, you are lacking experience and you are lacking references.”
“You said it yourself, I know how to sell myself. Working for your company requires the ability to sell things above their value. No need to be satisfied with the current market price if you can have more. For the past year 70 percent of your properties have been sold without any significant profit. What keeps this company in high rankings are the few sales which reached a higher price and the quality of the offered properties. Which doesn’t automatically mean profitability. The real estates you put up for rent are good enough for a solid income but it doesn’t help to improve the value of your company in this industry.
“The reason I will be an equal match is that I am lacking professionality, experience and references and still sold myself well enough to be here today. Which is precisely what you need.” Sasaki finished with a calm voice, holding his gaze with determination.
There was a short hesitation before the man leaned back in his chair, resting his chin on his folded hands. “You clearly did your homework.”
Sasaki gave a polite nod in return and waited.
“Let’s say we are, indeed, interested in hiring you, when would you be able to start?”
“Any time.”
They stared at each other for a long time. Sasaki knew he’d won. Otherwise he would have been turned town long ago. But the job alone was not the reason he was here today, so he didn’t allow himself to relax just yet.
After giving enough time to let it all sink in, Sasaki finally spoke up again.
“I only have one condition.”
At that, the man raised an eyebrow at him. A clear sign that Sasaki was in no position to make demands here. Yet he waved one hand, gesturing for him to go on.
Sasaki opened his bag until he found what he was looking for; a bunch of documents, neatly organized and folded. Without hesitation he put it down on the table and pushed it over.
Cold and distant eyes flickered down to look at it before his lips twitched.
“No.”
Sasaki’s smile was back on his face as he reached out for his documents, already pushing himself out of his chair.
“What a pity. I will take my leave then. There is no need for me to waste your time even further.”
It was not until Sasaki bowed him goodbye and turned around to leave when the man spoke up again.
“Why this property of all things?”
“I have my reasons.”
“This one is not for sale. Which is something you already knew. Why did you choose to make this offer anyway?”
“The same reason you choose to see me today even though I am clearly not qualified. It impressed me. And I want it. This is my condition.” Sasaki turned back just in time to see the man laughing again, shaking his head in disbelief.
“I can’t believe it. The audacity. ” He chuckled. “You said it yourself, 70 percent of our properties have been sold without any significant profit. What makes you think you will be able to afford this cottage?”
“I will be working for a renowned real estate company. Affording it surely will be no issue.”
Another laugh.
“Come here, sit down. Let’s talk for real.” He waved his hand again and Sasaki did as been told.
“You know you are asking for too much here. Ever since you walked into my office you have been acting bold and impudent.” He started, leaning forward until his forearms were resting on the table, fingers intertwined. “And I have to admit, you caught my interest. Again. If you are half as good as you claim to be, you will be an enrichment for our company. But that doesn’t mean I will give away one of my properties for nothing. You will have to prove yourself.
“If your condition is to buy this cottage, my condition is that you will commit yourself to our company until you are able to afford it. 120 percent of its value. No less.”
“How long?”
“Five years. Four, if you work hard.”
Sasaki stood silent, considering. It was a long time. He knew he would have to make this decision right here on the spot. But he also knew why he came here, why he worked so hard for the past years. He knew why he changed his college even though Miyano already had plans back in their hometown. He knew he dragged him along, because only here he was able to get the graduation he needed to be able to start as a real estate agent. He also knew Miyano wanted to go back, that he was unhappy here.
Five years.
“You will not sell it to anyone else while I work for you.”
“I will not sell it to anyone else while you work for us. If you agree to my condition, I am willing to agree to yours. We will set up a contract for four years. If this is not enough, we reserve the right to expand your contract for another year. If you choose to cancel this contract before the time is over we will agree on a fee you will have to pay and you won’t be able to buy this property. Not now, not anytime in the future.”
When Sasaki walked out of the building he took a deep breath, torn between feeling relieved and anxious. Relieved, because he managed to sign a contract which would ensure they were able to stay in their small apartment until he would be able to buy the cottage, their cottage. Anxious, because he had no chance to speak about it with Miyano.
It would be alright, he told himself over and over again as he returned home, where Miyano waited for him, excitement written all over his face as he asked him how it went.
It would be alright, he told himself, when Miyano beamed at him after seeing the signed contract before he wrapped his arms around Sasaki and kissed him deeply.
It would be alright, he told himself as they went to bed that night with Miyano’s head resting on his chest and their legs intertwined.
In the end, it was not alright.
Months passed and Miyano graduated but it soon became clear that it won’t be easy for him to find any work here. At first, he was still motivated enough. “It was my first application in a long time, maybe I am a bit rusty,” he laughed when he received his mail, waving away the disappointment he felt after opening it.
But it was not only one mail.
Day after day he would be searching, looking for any chance to find a job he found suitable, considering that he spent many years mainly focussing on literature. But it didn’t work.
Sasaki, on the other hand, worked hard to ‘prove his value’. The old man surely didn’t exaggerate when he told Sasaki he needed to work hard. His days off were rare, his working hours immense. At first, it was doable. A little unexpected but nothing Sasaki wasn’t able to handle. He knew why he did it and that alone was motivation enough.
6 months later he started smoking.
It was not only his work which stressed him out. After hours of constant speaking, debating and arguing until he was able to seal another contract, he would come home late at night just to find Miyano, eager to tell him about his day, about his applications. He wanted to be more supportive, he really did. Miyano deserved to be happy, to find a job he was truly comfortable with. But the truth was that he was tired. So incredibly tired.
Maybe that was the reason it took him too long before he realized how quiet Miyano had become. Before he realized he wasn’t greeted with a bright smile and warm hugs. Before he realized the look on Miyano’s face became sad and distant.
Sasaki couldn’t blame him for that. He only needed one try until he got the job he aimed for, after all. He could only imagine how frustrating it must have been to graduate with excellent grades just to sit here at home, unable to find a job.
But that wasn’t the only issue here. And Sasaki was too caught up in his work to see it.
Whenever he came home, he would greet Miyano before he headed straight to the bathroom and take a quick shower before he went to bed. They rarely spent time together aside from a quick meal every now and then. Their kisses became fewer and fewer. Their affectionate touches became fewer and fewer.
Whenever Miyano tried to be close, to hug him tight before he started to kiss down his neck, Sasaki would firmly push him away, yawning because he already was half asleep. Whenever they made plans for a date, Sasaki would have to cancel it because something at work came up. Until Miyano stopped reaching out for him. Until Miyano stopped planning anything ahead.
By the time Sasaki finally noticed something was amiss, it was already too late.
When Miyano spoke up about his job offering, it was already clear that he was suffering. That he felt more and more miserable with every day passing by.
He asked Sasaki to move back, he almost begged him to. But it was too early. He still had 2,5 years left of his contract and he knew he couldn’t afford it to ditch out now. They couldn’t afford it. But Miyano didn’t know that.
He didn’t know that Sasaki couldn’t move back. That he couldn’t give up his work just yet. Miyano just looked at Sasaki like he just got slapped across the face when Sasaki told him ‘no’. It was then when Sasaki realized the dark bags beneath his eyes, the thin and fragile body, the empty look in his eyes. Miyano was suffering. Badly. And there was nothing Sasaki could do to help him.
All this time he wanted to make sure he would be able to make Miyano happy. To offer him a home, a safe place to live. He wanted to take care of him. He wanted to give him everything.
But as he chased his goal and made decisions which weren’t his to make, he lost track. He failed to see the pained look on Miyano’s face, the quiet and sad voice whenever they talked. The way Miyano kept wrapping himself into many layers of blankets just to keep him warm, because he felt cold and alone in a place which was meant to be their home.
But from this day on, he noticed everything. Every single cold look Miyano gave him, every single hint of disappointment behind those brown eyes which used to look at him in admiration. Sasaki tried to make him happy, to keep him safe and sound at his side, but he failed. He failed tremendously.
And just like back then, back when they were in high school and Sasaki tried to push his boundaries, he fled. He knew he was the reason things were as messed up as they were. But he didn’t want to hear it, the thought alone was enough to leave him nauseous.
He will leave me. He will break this up sooner or later.
But Sasaki didn’t want to hear it. He didn’t want to see it.
He took every work he could get, anything which would bring him closer to his goal, closer to his dream where he could finally move back with Miyano at his side, into their home, their perfect place to grow old together.
Sasaki started drinking.
They stopped talking.
Sasaki missed him. He missed the closeness they once shared. He wanted to reach out and cup Miyano’s face in his hands, to tell him everything will be alright, seal their lips to make him understand. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t stand the sight of those dead eyes, the hollow sound of his voice.
When Miyano ultimately broke down in front of him, begging him to touch him, to hold him, Sasaki was screaming inside. He wanted to give in, to ignore the pain in his chest whenever their eyes met. But he couldn’t
As much as he wanted Miyano to stay, he knew he fucked up. That maybe, maybe , Miyano wasn’t his to keep. Not after everything he did.
Miyano’s words were daggers, hitting his heart with precision when he told him he never cared about a fancy apartment or money or a wealthy life. Because what he told him back then was that he never cared about everything Sasaki wanted to give him, no matter the cost. He just told him that everything Sasaki tried to give him was unwanted, unnecessary even.
Not only did Sasaki mess up their relationship, dragged Miyano with him and made him stay and suffer, he apparently did it for nothing.
He wanted to talk about it, to explain everything. To make it right again. But how are you supposed to tell your beloved that you messed up your relationship for nothing but selfish reasons? That you made decisions on your own without caring about the consequences, only to provide something no one asked for?
Sasaki has felt bad before. He regretted before. He has feared before. But as he looked into Miyano’s eyes that night, he felt downright ashamed .
It was true, he wanted to make up for what happened. For once, he decided to make things right, to spend time with his boyfriend instead of constantly running away. He had planned to talk about everything, to explain his reasons for staying. He wanted to show Miyano just how much he cared about him, how badly he wanted him to stay and how much he loved him with every fibre of his heart.
But again, he wasn’t able to keep his promise. Another wasted moment to come clear about everything. Another wasted chance to fix the mess their life had become.
Sasaki wasn’t surprised when Miyano moved back without him.
He wasn’t surprised Miyano cheated on him.
What surprised him was the incredible fighting spirit which allowed Miyano to give him another chance. To look Sasaki straight into the eyes and tell him he still doesn’t want to break up. That he wanted to fight. That he wanted to make this work somehow, anyhow .
And this time he would not waste another single moment.
This time he would make it count.
By the time he came back home after his last day at work, he cried. Not because he was stressed or sad, tired or frustrated.
He was happy.
He was so incredibly happy as his hands clenched tightly around the keys while he slid down the door until he was sitting on the floor.
His apartment was already empty, his stuff was carefully packed and ready for shipment except for the mattress on the bedroom floor which he would toss away.
Tomorrow he would see Miyano again, for another week of vacation on the small cottage at the lake. They planned it for several weeks, even though Sasaki knew very well that the house would be free and available anytime they wanted.
They would have enough time to talk about the last thing Sasaki kept from Miyano until now. The last secret he kept for himself until it was over. Until he finally made it. Because the last thing he wanted was to make another promise he wasn’t able to keep.
They would have enough time to talk about their future, about their life together.
And when everything is said and done, it would be entirely up to Miyano if he wanted to stay at this house. With Sasaki at his side. In their new home.
“A perfect place to grow old together, don’t you think?”