Work Text:
Razz sighed as he washed the dishes. Slim hadn't left by the door but Razz knew he left, his presence and absence so intrinsic to Razz' senses that he could never be mistaken about either. It had been nice having his brother over for dinner, but such visits were an exercise in masochism: Slim inevitably left.
Not that Razz was always alone: Suave and he often stayed over at each other's apartments, at least when their work allowed. Unfortunately, Suave worked long hours, and Razz would bring his work home more often than not (work which was sensitive in nature and could not be brought to Suave's).
Razz finished the dishes, putting them away before heading upstairs to finish his paperwork-
Except. He had finished all the work he had. It was a slow month compared to what he had grown used to. There was barely anything to do. Razz sighed, flopping on the bed.
...Maybe Slim was right: maybe getting another pet would do him some good. And Bitties were quite the prospect...
Razz entered the Bitty Adoption Center late the following evening, fresh out of the office and somewhat weary even by his standards. The greeting bell rang softly overhead, and the doors swung shut behind him with a familiar, comforting semi-automatic swish.
The first thing Razz noticed was who stood at the front counter: He had been informed that Slim was working there, but for some reason Razz hadn't expected to see his brother when he'd decided to come.
"and what's brought m'lord ta our humble shop?" Slim asked with that shit-eating grin he wore like it was permanently glued in place.
"YOU WERE THE ONE WHO SPOKE SO HIGHLY OF THESE THINGS," Razz immediately defended, even though he had no reason to be defensive and they both knew it. "SO HERE I AM."
"here ya are. care ta come in tha back?" Slim's fingertips tapped on a segment of the counter that Razz could see would move on a hinge, letting someone walk through to the back.
"IN A MOMENT. I INTEND TO BROWSE FIRST." Razz wanted to familiarize himself with the shop layout open to him before moving elsewhere.
Slim shrugged, leaving Razz to his explorations.
Razz walked down every aisle, taking in the little clothes, the little toys, the little furniture. If not for the difference in quality, he could have taken it for a doll shop. However, no doll shop bothered to put a lining in their doll's clothes (hell, nowadays most clothing shops didn't, something that Razz was judging them for).
He eventually made it to the back wall with all the terrariums. Razz eyed the little potted flowers, considering, but they did not quite meet his needs, given how mobile he was and how often he found himself focusing on work.
Next he found himself in front of the large terrarium. Inside, dozens of little fragments scampered about. Razz tried to envision himself with one, but nothing quite fit his ideal. He had an image to maintain, work to go back to, and he would like to be able to keep his bitty close at all times.
Razz meandered to the other side of the store, looking at the mostly covered glass terrariums. However, he found a large basket tucked into the corner with a hand-written sign taped to it: 'Returns'.
Inside the basket were a few cushions and blankets, and curled up in those were two fragments that had definitely seen better days. The one in a blue jacket was laying flat on his back, one arm splayed in a way Razz recognized as minimizing pain from a break. The other, a fragment that reminded Razz of Red, was favoring one side where it sat, growling at him the moment he approached. It was missing its shoes, and one leg was bruised to hell.
"MUTT. GET ME THE FIRST AID KIT," Razz ordered.
Slim was at his back in moments, handing him a generic supply box that Razz found standard medical supplies in: gauze, the antibacterial gel humans needed, and the Green Magic gel that would work better on monsters. "what fer?" Slim asked, like he didn't know.
"AS IF YOU DO NOT ALREADY KNOW," Razz grumbled. He took off one of his gloves, testing the tips of his claws to calibrate his grip before reaching into the basket.
"i wouldn't-" Slim pretended to warn Razz.
The red-like-fragment immediately bit onto Razz' hand.
Razz went still. The bite hurt, nicking a bit of HP off his bountiful supply. "ARE YOU DONE?" He asked.
The bitty growled through clenched teeth.
"FINE. YOU FIRST." Razz had been going to tend to the blue-coated bitty, but since this one was going to be troublesome, he supposed he had no choice. He deftly scooped the biter into his hand, prying those teeth out of his bones and pinning his little arms to his sides.
"le' go!" the biter snarled, barking louder in fear. Razz ignored it as he signaled Slim to unscrew the healing gel container. It was a troublesome process, but Razz got a cottonball with the stuff to dab onto that leg injury, and then wrapped the leg in gauze for extra support.
As he worked, the bitty gradually kicked and bit and growled less, tears welling up in its sockets. Razz could ease up on his grip, eventually holding it in his open palm as he checked for less obvious damage.
His military work meant Razz had to learn how to treat injury. The only question was why Slim hadn't gotten this done by now himself. Given how Slim hadn't tried to stop Razz, he assumed it was a bureaucratic issue, possibly due to his status in the store. He did train Slim to adhere to hierarchy.
(He did train Slim to know when to exploit loopholes in hierarchy.)
The red-like-fragment seemed to be unharmed anywhere else. Razz sighed in relief: rib damage was a bitch no matter what size one was. He went to set the bitty back into the cushions, needing to free his hands to check the other bitty, but the moment he tried to release it, the bitty bit him again.
"REALLY, NOW. DO NOT BE ORNERY," Razz scolded the little thing. "I NEED MY HANDS."
The bitty only bit harder.
"maybe put it somewhere else?" Slim suggested, that playful tone warning Razz of mischief. He put two fingers under Razz's wrist, and guided his hand up, up, and over to the breast-pocket of Razz' work suit. The bitty immediately scrambled to wedge himself in Razz's pocket, only partially fitting, legs hanging out over the lip like when Slim would sit in a box too small for him.
Razz looked at the bitty, then up to his smug little brother. "I SEE." Well. Razz had come to acquire a bitty. And clearly nobody else was going to take care of it.
Razz made certain the red-like-bitty was not going to fall out of his pocket and exacerbate his injury, then reached to gently, gently pry the blue jacket off the other bitty. Sure enough, that was a dislocated shoulder and several fractures. The little thing whimpered, eyelights dim when Razz could see them at all.
"DEEP BREATH, CLENCH YOUR TEETH," Razz ordered out of old habits that never really died. Slim cleverly reached around to ease a bit of Razz' discarded glove between the bitty's parted teeth. (Razz was never not proud of how well his brother knew to work with him.) Razz then positioned the arm how it needed to be, and pressed it sharply into place with a cracking-pop. The bitty whined, then went limp, some of the tension in its shoulders easing.
Razz knew that feeling well.
Next step was applying more gel to those fractures, then wrapping them. Razz had to remove the little guy's jacket the rest of the way so he could make a proper sling, but unlike the first little brat, this bitty was agreeable and didn't fuss.
Razz was just tying off the sling when he heard a noise near the back of the store. "Anything happen while I was-" A voice started to ask. It cut off as a human rounded the aisle and caught sight of Razz. "Who is this and why are you letting them touch the Returns-" She squared her shoulders, bracing for what she must have supposed would be a fight.
"dunno. was just 'bout ta ask." Slim lied without hesitation.
"I AM A CUSTOMER. ARE THESE TWO FOR SALE?" He asked, gesturing to the red-like fragment that had dozed off in his pocket, then the other bitty now leaning against his open palm.
The human had sharp eyes, calculating and clever. Razz liked that in a person, given the right temperament to know what to do with it. The human eased her posture, taking the last few steps to enter arms' reach of Razz. "...Did you do this?"
"SOMEONE HAD TO," Was Razz' answer.
The human shifted her weight, rubbing the bridge between her dark eyes. "These are fresh returns. I'm going to need to see some I.D. if you want to adopt them."
"I AM AMENABLE TO ANY BACKGROUND CHECK OR PAPERWORK YOU REQUIRE,' Razz said, gathering up the bitty with the injured arm. "SHALL WE?"
The human sighed, then waved Razz to follow. Razz gave his lying, conspiring little brother a passing glance before doing just that.
Slim's smile showed no sign of surprise, even to Razz's discerning eyes. He supposed this was well within Slim's expectations.
Razz purchased a comfortable little pet-carrier to transport the bitties in while driving: his new pets were already injured and he did not want any sudden jostling during transport to exacerbate their injuries. Getting the arm-injured bitty (the employee called it a 'sansy') was just a matter of sacrificing one of Razz's gloves to it. The leg-injured bitty (the 'edgy') was harder: it kept biting Razz and climbing back into his jacket, so Razz had to negotiate keeping one hand in the carrier at all times.
Really, the needy thing was going to be a handful. Razz was already fond.
Other than having to do it one-handed, the hour drive back to Razz' home was uneventful. He arrived late in the evening thinking he would be alone with his new pets.
However, Razz found that some of his lights were on, and there was a car parked in his driveway. More telling than either was the signal from his first (non-brother) pet's collar:
Suave.
Razz carried in his new pets to find his livingroom smelling more like roses than weed. Suave was watching TV on his couch, nodding along to some musical.
The sound of the door drew his attention. "I SEE YOU WORKED LATE AGAIN TONIGHT. I HOPE YOU HAVE THE ENERGY TO COOK, OR I WILL BE FORCED TO DO THE COOKING!"
"AS IF I WOULD EVER LET YOU TOUCH MY KITCHEN." Razz huffed, setting his bitties down on the table.
"AFRAID I WILL OUTDO YOU IN YET ANOTHER FIELD?"
"HARDLY. YOU BARELY KNOW HOW TO MAKE A SALAD!"
"DO SO!" Suave snipped back, but his smile was wide and smarmy and unfazed: they both knew all Suave could do with food was eat it.
He had no right to be that handsome.
Suave was drawn to the new object. "WHAT IS THAT?"
"AH. YES. I ACQUIRED SOME NEW PETS," Razz bragged. "THEY ARE THESE NEW BITTY THINGS. I WILL BE LOOKING AFTER THEM HENCEFORTH."
"BITTIES? AH YES RIGHT, THOSE!" Suave looked over the pets in their carrier. "HELLO LITTLE BITTY THINGS! I AM SUAVE AND I AM FORNICATING WITH YOUR NEW MASTER."
Razz felt heat crawl up his neck. "WATCH YOUR MOUTH!"
"WHAT? ARE YOU EMBARRASSED TO LET YOUR NEW PETLINGS KNOW THAT I MAKE YOU SING FALSETTO BY INSERTING TAB ME INTO SLOT YOU?" Suave asked with the straightest, smuggest face that anyone had ever said those words in that order.
"I AM NOT EMBARRASSED!!" Razz had never been embarrassed in his life and he refused to be embarrassed now.
"SO THAT COLOR MEANS YOU ARE HUNGRY FOR MY COMPANY IN THE CARNAL SENSE."
Razz had a lot of words to say all at once, a few of them expletives, but all that came out of him was a single vocabulary-deficit noise that he chose to label outrage.
Why did he allow himself to become attached to this smug prick?
"YES, I UNDERSTAND, I AM VERY HANDSOME. YOU HAVE OUTSTANDING TASTE. I WOULD EXPECT NOTHING LESS FROM YOU."
Ah. Yes. The genuine compliments. Razz rubbed his face to compose himself. He started to unload his coat pockets. "WATCH THEM WHILE I MAKE DINNER. I DO NOT WANT THEM-" He was going to say, 'falling on the stove and getting hurt,' or something to that effect. However, as Razz reached into his pants pockets to remove his primary wallet, he felt something small and very-not-wallet-like. Having felt such things several times that evening, Razz was careful when grasping it and pulling it out into open air.
In his hand, Razz found a small, sleeping bitty in pajamas, snoring away.
"IS THAT ALSO YOURS?" Suave asked, leaning over to see the bitty in Razz' hand.
"...I DID NOT PAY FOR IT," Razz answered. It was the only answer he could give. He sighed, putting the little one back into his pocket, this time into the breast pocket of his work jacket. "STAY HERE AND WATCH THOSE TWO WHILE I MAKE A RUN BACK. TO THE STORE."
"you ain't leavin' me-" The Edgy snarled, trying to stand up and falling right back into the cushion at the bottom of the carrier. The Sansy put a hand on him, rubbing his back even as he snarled.
"are we safe here, daddy?" The Sansy asked.
"DO NOT CALL ME DADDY, AND YES," Razz corrected. "SUAVE WILL SEE TO IT THAT YOU ARE NOT LOST SOMEWHERE UNTIL I RETURN."
"don't you fuckin-" the Edge snarled, only for the Sansy to cover his mouth.
"come back soon, master," the Sansy cooed, learning fast.
Razz felt his SOUL flutter. He reached to give both of his bitties a few gentle headpats, no less endeared when the Edgy bit him for it.
"BRING BACK TAKEOUT WHILE YOU ARE OUT," Suave ordered. "ASIAN."
"AS YOU WISH." Razz knew Suave was a fussy pet. The fool would actually, sincerely prefer to eat garbage rather than not get attention. He grabbed Suave by the collar of his shirt, holding him in place while he stole a kiss that Razz deserved to steal.
Suave then stole it back, spiteful. They fought over the kiss until Razz had to relent: he had to get back before the store closed.
With the thinner late-evening traffic, Razz made the drive back to the Bitty Adoption Center in less than an hour. Razz didn't need to open the door to see that there was activity inside. The human who had overseen his first bitty purchases was running back and forth in the shop, looking under other products, inside isolated terrariums, and under the shelves.
Further in the back was Slim, standing at the counter, smoking a joint. The counter had a small basket sitting on it that Razz could not remember being there when he had made his purchases.
When Razz pushed the door open again, the little bell rang loud enough to draw her attention. "We are closing in ten minutes-"
"I UNDERSTAND, BUT I THINK THIS WILL BE QUICK," Razz said, watching the woman run to the other end of the shop.
"Then Slim can help you," the human snapped. "Where the fuck-" She muttered, as if she thought Razz could not hear.
Razz lingered to watch her look under a pile of blankets before walking to the counter where Slim stood vigil.
Slim smiled down at Razz. "how can i help ya t'night?"
Razz reached into his pocket again. "I FOUND THIS IN MY POCKET WHEN I GOT HOME." He showed Slim the sleeping bitty.
Slim hummed to himself like he wasn't the least bit surprised, but the shift in his eyelights told Razz that he hadn't anticipated this in the least. "ya don't say."
Razz noticed movement in the basket. When he gave it a glance, a small bitty in a purple vest stared up at him.
"so yer here ta return it?" Slim asked, holding his hand out.
"ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?" Razz growled, pulling the bitty back to his chest. "THIS CLEARLY BELONGS TO ME. I AM HERE TO PAY FOR IT SINCE IT WAS NOT ACCOUNTED ON MY RECEIPT."
Slim's smarmy ass grin only spread. "well, that's still my supervisor's gig. eh, bosslady? might wanna come see this~"
"What do you-" The human came over, her foul mood written all over her face until she caught sight of Razz' bitty. "Oh thank fuck, you found him-"
"AH. I SEE YOU WERE MISSING HIM. HE SOMEHOW FOUND HIS WAY INTO MY POCKET. SO I NEED TO PAY FOR-"
"That's all I need to know," The human sighed. "Let me get the starter kit going. I assume you want the deluxe package for him as well?"
"YES. ONLY THE BEST FOR MY PETS." Razz stroked the back of his new bitty. "WHAT IS THIS ONE CALLED, THEN?"
"This is a Soft Bones," The human said. "They tend to sleep more than anything else, making them low maintenance. You will need to keep close track of them, however."
"I SEE. I WILL COLLAR HIM QUICKLY, THEN."
"Collar?" The human parroted.
"fell thing. dun' worry none, darlin'." Slim blew a smoke ring up toward the ceiling. He gave his own bitty a hit as he did.
"...Well, keep an eye on him."
"I SHALL," Razz swore, taking the package. He double checked that his new Soft Bones was in his possession, and then he took his leave.
Razz waited until he was closer to home before he stopped for the takeout Suave wanted. There was a fine Korean grill just a block away from his home that Razz had to admit a mild respect for. He drove up to the drive-through and put in his order.
All was as expected until Razz drove up to the exchange window. "That will be $32.40," the human told Razz.
Razz expected that price. He reached into his pocket for his wallet. He expected to find his wallet there.
He did not expect to find something else clinging to his wallet: When he pulled out the leather pouch, it was slightly heavier than it ought to be. Clinging to it was yet another bitty, the very one that Razz had seen in the basket on the counter.
"AND WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?" Razz asked.
"daddy~' The bitty purred. "are we home, daddy~?"
Razz put his other hand under the bitty, taking his wallet from it. "DO NOT CALL ME THAT. MASTER, OR M'LORD, OR JUST 'SIR', WILL DO."
The bitty settled in his hand, obedient and trusting. "yes, master~"
Razz felt his SOUL flutter again. It wasn't as if he couldn't afford one more pet...
"WE ARE NOT HOME YET," he said. "SIT STILL UNTIL WE GET THERE. I DO NOT WANT YOU GETTING HURT."
"yes, master," the new, unidentified bitty agreed. Razz then settled him on Razz' shoulder, tucked inside the loop of his neckscarf.
"WHAT KIND OF BITTY ARE YOU, ANYWAY?" Razz asked as he counted out the cash to pay the humans. He made certain there was a generous tip.
"mama workman called me a sugar plum," The bitty said. "but my last daddy called me annoying..."
"ONE OF THOSE SOURCES IS MORE RELIABLE THAN THE OTHER," Razz reasoned, taking the bag of food from the human in the exchange window. "HAVE A FINE EVENING," he called to them before driving off.
"...if you say so, master," the Sugar Plum purred, nuzzling against Razz's cheek.
Razz took a deep breath. He would just call the store this time. They could take his credit card over the phone. Slim could deliver the care kit.
Razz was clearly just too tempting a prospective keeper for these poor bitties to resist.