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AITA for making up medical conditions, giving placebos, and removing fake tumors from my crew?
There is no one, no one, who has a stronger distrust of institutional systems than me. Believe it. And I know our health care system blows. Don't even get me started on how our capitalistic educational framework perpetuates the growing shortage of doctors.
Hell, one of the only good doctors I know is just seventeen and works exclusively for the dumbest group of idiots I've ever met.
You think I'm lying?
Let's see who else is (or was) out there: the necrophiliac, the quack who poisoned himself, a burned-out whale watcher, the old broad with a body dysmorphic disorder, and some dude who I swear is actually a veterinarian. You want any of them figuring out whether you have IBS or gallbladder cancer?
Okay, I went off topic. I'm just frustrated with . . . everything.
Here's the crux of the problem. My crew comes from a diverse set of difficult backgrounds. Where I live, people experience an abnormally high rate of early adverse childhood experiences. If my own anecdotal experiences are anything to go by, approximately ninety percent of the population loses a parent (or both) by the age of ten.
As a trained primary care provider, I recognize that trauma can manifest in somatic symptoms. I tried explaining this ad nauseum, but I still had Penguin or Bepo barging into my room complaining about stomach pains and head aches that had no etiological causes.
The last straw came when Shachi woke me up from some much needed sleep at 2:47 am in the morning, certain he was dying from a ruptured appendix.
The idiot had gas.
And he stunk up my bedroom.
I needed to establish an action plan before I surgically removed all their tongues. The first thing I did was create "office hours" and strictly enforce them. Then, when my first patient arrived, I listened to Clione's heart and lungs (perfectly fine) and I took a small sample of blood. I looked at his blood under a microscope and sighed. (Acting is just lying. It's quite easy to do.)
I told Clione he had a moderate case of adipem intestina, but fortunately he had seen me just in time. I gave him a bottle filled with generic mints and told him to take two a day for the next month and he would be completely cured.
For Shachi, that malingerer, I performed a superficial surgery and presented him with a glass vial filled with the gunk from my shower drain. I told him it was a tumor and put him on a strict diet of vegetables, fish, and whole grains. It was the first time Shachi listened to my nutrition advice.
This new system is working quite well. The only thing amiss is that Ikkaku has figured out what I'm doing. She finds it highly amusing and that gave me pause. Perhaps I should I need to consult with others about the ethics of my actions. Ikkaku has quite the mean streak.
So, AITA? Or have I simply given my crew what they really wanted, credence that there somatic symptoms were legitimate and a psychological ending to their torments?
system_maintenance • 06/26/2016
This is almost a tough one. You're making your "crew" happy but if they knew what you were doing they would be totally upset, yk?
I'm going with YTA but I get why someone might do it.
It sounds like they just want a doctor who will listen to them and believe that they have a medical problem. You don't, but at least they think you do. I'm glad they're getting the results they need, but I think you're a jerk. I don't know if you're doing this for your crew's well being or because you think their problems are annoying.
And you shouldn't be so judgmental about them "exaggerating" their aches and pains. Pain is relative. And a lot of people mistake gas for appendicitis!!
Also, I have some serious doubts about your narrative. Ninety percent of the people you know lose at least one parent? Really?!?
I know correlation is not causation, but my dude, if this is a real statistic, who the heck would want to become a parent? It sounds like putting a target on your back.
You sound very resentful of the job you chose. If you don't want to be a concierge doctor to this "crew", no one is making you. You can, you know, get a job elsewhere.
I recommend you think about it.
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