Chapter Text
The last couple of months hadn’t been the easiest between them.
It started the last time he came to visit when they were spotted at a jazz club. They realized that their outings had gotten a bit too comfortable since no one ever thought much when they saw them spending time together. This time was different, this was the closest they had been to someone seeing them being close and affectionate to each other- in a way that went beyond friends. If that person had taken one picture, the relationship they had worked so hard to hide from the public would have come out the moment that person shared that picture online.
Neither was ready to make their relationship public. Hannah preferred to keep her private life private, but she knew that being with someone in the industry couldn’t be kept secret forever. It had been months since season 3 had ended, this was the actual test of how to make their relationship work post-show. She wanted to be fully certain that they were strong enough to bear with the public eye, while Jason still had to settle things related to his children with his ex-partner. It was becoming pretty hard to keep seeing each other after press ended and they no longer had any official reasons why he would be in London, or her in the US.
The sighting at the Jazz Club had been the tipping point. They had to admit how hard it would be to keep this up for the upcoming months, so they agreed to put their relationship on pause.
Both refused to call it a break up, even though if it came down to it- that was what it was.
They agreed to give each other space by cutting communication with each other. Except if it was work related, there was no way around that. They wanted to find a way to remain friends, and maybe some time apart would save that.
***
Keeping her distance from him was easy, a whole ocean apart and having her scheduled packed helped. What wasn’t easy was seeing how he was actively trying to move on- it didn’t matter how much she didn’t want to know- somehow she always found out. She didn’t even need to google his name, photos or gossip sites would show up on her social media.
Something about him seeing an influencer was spreading online, it had been a couple of weeks since he left London. She had no right to feel jealous, to let whatever he did bother her, hurt her.
They weren’t together.
He wasn’t hers anymore.
Was she jealous? Maybe. But, it wasn’t the whole reason why it bugged her. She had learned to trust her gut more often these days, it was something about that woman that didn’t sit right with her. The young influencer liked the attention, even without fully mentioning him. On the other hand, she knew Jason well enough that she was certain that woman was nothing more than a rebound. Unimportant.
She hoped her intuition was wrong about that woman. That maybe her online persona was just a front, and maybe she actually cared about him.
Not that she would ever get to find out for sure.
***
The next couple of months were a roller coaster.
Hannah tried to get over him, she really tried, but the thing she needed the most to heal was the thing she didn’t have. Time. She had several upcoming projects- pretty much back to back- from filming a movie to hosting a couple of events, and appearances. Plus, her role as a mother was still her number one priority. She did what she could to move on, and put all those pesky feelings aside.
There were some nights when one of her closest friends would show up at her doorstep with a bottle of wine; she would say she was there to vent about her day, 8 out of 10 times it was just an excuse to get her to talk about her feelings. Her friend suggested (to the point that it sounded like soft threats) that she put herself back out there, so she did and went on a couple of dates. They weren’t bad, they just weren’t what she wanted in a partner.
She stopped trying and put all of that in the back burner once her busy work schedule took over her life. When it came to it, the most important person in her life was her girly. Men could wait, as long as she had her blooming career and time with her daughter- everything was fine.
***
By October, her work schedule dwindled down. The actors and writers’ strike was preventing her from promoting her Christmas special, but she hoped it could change any day. She began to consider dating again. Only considered, she was too tired to actually try.
Around mid October, she received a text from Jason. It was the first time she heard from him in months, she looked at his name in the notification before opening it. Suddenly, having this heavy feeling weighing on her, all of those feelings she had kept aside for months came flooding back. It’s a text, I’m not scared of a fucking text.
Knowing she wouldn’t be able to avoid it, she took a deep breath and swiped the notification to read his message.
Can I call you later tonight (your time)? It’s been a while so I wanted to check before. It’s not about us, I promise.
She wondered why he didn’t specify why he wanted to talk to her, but looking at the text again ’It’s not about us.’ Which meant it had to be about work; yet, she didn’t remember anything scheduled. Either way, she didn’t give it much thought and replied—
Hi there JS, What time? I’ll be sure to have my phone on me- xo.
Hours later, she was sitting by her kitchen counter staring at her phone. There were still a couple of minutes left before the agreed time for his call, which made staring at the phone a ridiculous way to spend her time. It should be a normal call between two co-workers, but she felt nothing normal. Just a melting pot of every emotion possible simmering. Annoyed at herself for feeling anxious to talk to him, and knowing this would rip the weak stitches in her heart- leaving it wide open again.
She shook her head, No, it’s been months. We can friends.
Good friends, even.
Her phone buzzed exactly at the time he said he would call. The memory of the last time he visited London flashed through her eyes and made her heart tighten, she loudly exhaled to let it go. It’s work, just work, she reassured herself, and pressed the green button.
“Hannah?”
“Hi, I’m here,” she could hear the nerves in her voice.
“Hey! Uhm…how are you? How are things?” He blurted out, making it sound like one sentence. Making her feel a bit more confident because she could tell the nerves weren’t only coming from her.
“Are you going to ask me about the weather next?” She joked, hoping to break the awkwardness between them.
He laughed, “Okay, you caught me.” It was exactly the laugh that she had missed so dearly, and one of those little things that had made her fall for him. She loved hearing his laugh, equally as much as how easily he made her laugh. Ugh.
“I’m sorry, wasn’t sure how to talk to you,” he continued, genuinely admitting.
Hannah went still, not knowing how to reply. Unwanted thoughts about their relationship resurfaced- he wouldn’t have tried to move forward if he still had feelings for her, especially with some 20-something year old. As much as she had tried not to let those jealous, angry and sad feelings take over; in reality, they had been slowly consuming her.
“Jas—”
He interjected, “I missed you. So fucking much.”
Fuck.
His words caught her off guard, and she always had a weakness for him. It instantly made her want to give in, tell him how much she hated being away from him, and quell that ache that had taken residence in her heart.
No.
Somehow, she managed to regain her composure fast enough and stopped herself from saying something she would regret. Clearing her throat, she hardened her voice, “The call, Jason. Why are you calling?”
“Uh...I’m sorry it just came out,” he replied, sadness and disappointment in his voice. “I do have a reason why I was calling. It’s about the charity event we hold in KC every November. Just wanted to offer the invite again, but things are different from last year, so I’ll understand if you don’t want to join this year.”
Around the same time last year, Jason mentioned the event after they left one of the many musicals they took their kids to watch. She agreed to go, however, there was a last minute change for an important festival where she would be performing for royalty, and she had to accept that honor instead.
“Uhm…” she wasn’t sure if it was a good idea, things were very different from last year. Was she ready to see Jason again? Was he still seeing that influencer? Would she be at the event?
Did their attempt to stay friend end before they even tried?
Then again, the person in charge of the charity, and the event was Jason’s childhood friend. She met him and his wife during filming for Jason’s show, both had been so kind and nice with her. They especially got along because they had a band on the side, and were fluent in one of her favorite languages- music.
Sensing her hesitation, he added, “It’s okay if you can’t, I understand.”
“No, it’s not that.” She scanned her surroundings hoping to find a sign that would tell her what to say; she should find an excuse and politely decline, but…maybe she wanted to say yes.
She didn’t give herself a chance to overthink the words at the tip of her tongue, and blurted them out before it was too late, “I will be happy to be part of it this year.”
“Are you sure?” Even without seeing his face, she knew he had smiled at that. It was extremely annoying to know a person this well.
“Of course! it is a good cause, and I don’t want to disappoint your friends again. I will be there.”
***
November came along. Why is it that things come faster when you dread them? She had never visited this part of the States; even if it was only for a couple of days, it would be an experience nonetheless. The pilot announced that they were landing in Kansas City.
No turning back now.
It was late Thursday night, her plan consisted of dropping her things off at the hotel and meeting up with the group that would be performing on Saturday. Inevitably, included seeing Jason.
She checked her phone while the polite man at the hotel reception desk double checked her information. The man hummed seeing that everything was in order, then handed over her room key.
“Wadders.”
Her heart practically stopped at the familiar male voice greeting her, as much as she knew it was going to happen- she wasn’t prepared. Slowly turned around, her mouth agape at the sight of that man standing in the middle of her hotel lobby. His usual cap, hoodie, sneakers, and hands stuffed into his pockets.
She weakly stammered, “Uh, J? What on earth?”
“Thought I could pick you up before we met everyone else later.” He visibly swallowed, then lightly raised his eyebrows, softening his features and nervous smile; she could tell he was trying to sound light, and animated, even though he looked and sounded tired.
No matter how long it had been since they had last seen each other, and everything that had happened between them, he still had this ability of instantly making her feel at ease. Everything down to his hoodie, and his cap only brought back memories of all the good times they had spent together. Moments that she felt comfortable, cared for, and safe.
She took a step towards him and stopped—unsure if there was a right way to greet him and simultaneously mad at herself for feeling like she could put aside all of that hurt he made her feel by just seeing him.
“Let me help you with that,” he pointed at her suitcase, saving both of them of an uncomfortable moment after both just awkwardly stood there for a couple of seconds.
He followed her to her room, small talk came easy between them especially when neither of them would look directly at each other’s eyes. It was the brief quiet moments between them that felt the loudest.
“This is me,” she said inserting her key in the door. He rolled the suitcase inside, and stood by the door while she took a moment to freshen up.
Hannah went into the bathroom, took a deep breath as she looked at the mirror. You knew this was going to happen, silly girl, she nagged at her reflection, ran her fingers through her hair as she quickly redid her little ponytail, then put her cap back on and grabbed the handle of the door. Friends, we can be friends.
“Ready?”
She nodded, mustering up a smile that hopefully would ease the nervous energy between them. The next moment happened in the blink of an eye- both tried to get the door at the same time, her hand brushed against his arm and that brief shared look between them broke any self-imposed barriers. Like two magnets, they collided in one tight embrace, holding each other in silence for what felt like a lengthy moment, but probably was about a minute.
“I hate how much I missed you, JS,” she admitted, keeping her voice low.
Jason slowly pulled away, not enough to let her go, just to get a better look at her face. “Are we going to be okay?” He asked, trailing his thumb under her chin. Now that she was closer to him, she noticed the dark circles around his eyes, just worn out in general. She was used to seeing him tired after spending so many nights with him during filming, but this was different. There was this lack of light in him that felt off, he wasn’t taking care of himself.
The images of the influencer he was linked to suddenly popped into her mind, Hannah abruptly came back to reality and took a step back. She couldn’t let herself worry for him right now, not when the thought of him with that woman made her skin crawl.
“You tell me, Jason. I’m not the one that’s been parading around with that…“ she stopped herself from saying something she may regret later.
It takes him a minute to understand what she was talking about, he squished his eyebrows together as he took off his cap and ran his fingers through his tousled hair, “This is about her?”
“Yes!” She smacked his arm, her buried frustration and jealousy came out. “Yes, you fucking twat.”
He shrugged, taking a step back, “I thought… wanted to move on.” His gaze lowered, quietly added, “It’s not an excuse, I just—“
“I don’t want you to make an excuse, J,” she frowned, trying to keep her voice at a normal volume even though she felt like she was opening something that should have remained closed. “The worse part is that it’s not even the main reason I’m mad at you.”
Jason blinked slowly, “Han.“
The side of her that was trying to remain composed, lost that inner struggle and she blurted out, “Couldn’t you have looked a little further than a pair of fake tits to find someone new?” Her voice broke, frustrated tears welled around her eyes.
“Hey,” he said softly, then took a step towards her.
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that,” she cleared her throat, trying to withhold her tears. “It fucking hurt that you put what we had aside so easily.” He opened his mouth, but she continued, “I don’t want to talk about it. But, this…” she gestured at both of them. “It can’t-“
“Broke it off.”
“What?” Her eyes widened, brow still furrowed as she dared to look directly at him again.
He hesitated, swallowing dryly, slipping his hands into his pockets.
“Jason?”
“She was just someone to spend time with. That’s all. I just…fuck, Hannah, I felt like I was in this darkness with all the shit that kept happening over and over. I just needed to get my mind off of it.”
“You could have called me. Talked to me.”
He shook his head, taking a step back, “That would’ve been selfish. We bro- I mean, took this time apart to figure things out. I’d only be distracting you from all of the things you’ve been doing.” His face still looked withdrawn, but his expression softened, “Our show may have ended, but not for you. The whole world is continuously falling in love with you. I wasn’t going to break our only rule to burden you with my shit.”
“How is fucking her a better option?”
“You think it’s so easy to get over you? Everywhere I looked, there you were. A song, a picture, even fucking chips,” he shook his head, letting out a small breathy laugh like even if the thought was painful- he could only laugh. “It might have been a stupid move, but I didn’t care how I stopped thinking about you. I even hoped that you’d find someone that could give you and your girl everything you both deserve. Not someone who can’t seem to find a way out of his own fucked up mess. I didn’t want to waste your time, I know I’m not worth it.”
It drove her crazy every time he spoke like that about himself, as much as she wanted to yell at him for saying that; instead, she tightly pressed her lips together and focused on keeping her mouth shut.
He was having trouble keeping his gaze on her, but continued, “I needed to move on…I thought if I could let you go, I’d save you from dragging you into my shit.”
She didn’t know what to say, just stood there without moving, trying to decipher everything she was feeling- mad, hurt, sad…relieved? Her voice came out almost like a whisper, “What changed? You called me.”
“Nothing I did mattered, because at the end of the day the universe keeps pointing in your direction and I’ve been a fucking idiot thinking I could let you go.”
“It’s not going to be easy. It hurt. You hurt me,” she admitted, her voice comes out low almost a whisper.
“What do I need to do?”
She took a step closer, narrowing the space between them. “First of all, I know the person who I fell in love with and he is worth it.” He shook his head, struggling to keep his eyes locked in hers. “And second, when are you going to understand I am a grown fucking woman that doesn’t need saving? I shouldn’t have let you convince me to take a break.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Tell me,” something inside her just wanted to hear him say it out loud. She wanted to know if he was still hers. They needed to be on the same page, because trying again meant there was no turning back.
He touched his beard, running his hand down his neck, “Hmm?”
“Do you still have feelings for me?”
“Uhm…”
“Answer the bloody question, Jason,” she insisted, a bit more firm.
“I never stopped.”
She felt her heart tighten in her chest, raising her eyebrows as she took his cap off. Her body reacted before her mind, both of her hands instantly cupped his face and without thinking she kissed him releasing all the ache she had felt over the summer. He reciprocated her kiss, burying his fingers into her hair as her own cap fell off. His lips glided over hers so smoothly, she had missed the way he tenderly kissed her- how it made her body react- feel alive. Even after so many months apart, this time was no different. It was clear that through everything- he was still felt like he was hers.
They break their kiss to catch their breath. Heavily panting, she wiped some leftover lipstick from his mouth, “You make me feel bloody nuts, Sudeikis. Every time I’m near you I just lose my wits, and yet, here I am.”
He lightly chuckled in between shallow breaths, she saw a bit light in his eyes flash by. “I’m addicted to you too, Waddingham.”
***
They went to the theater to meet up with Jason’s friends and the rest of the people involved in the charity event. Everyone was welcoming, immediately making her feel as though she had been their friend for years. She liked getting to see Jason interact with his childhood friends, and friends he had made during his career. It painted this picture of who he was without saying it.
During rehearsals, she suggested that they change the song she was going to sing with Jason. It didn’t properly fit either of them, but they hadn’t practiced any other song. She remembered Jason had sung Shallow before, and being a fan of the movie, she thought it would be fun for her to give it a go. They did a quick run-through all of the musical performances a couple of times, and printed out the lyrics to do at least one rehearsal with Jason tonight.
Singing with him made her remember how easy their chemistry flowed with one another- within seconds it felt like she was back on set with him. It was easy to laugh, and joke around again. Both were aware of how romantic the lyrics of the song were; but it wasn’t the point of this rehearsal. It was about finding each other, being on the same page, and just letting the energy of the room dictate every move.
“You okay?” He checked on her after they finished with rehearsals for the night.
She nodded, “Bit jet-lagged, but I’m glad to be here. What’s next?”
“They want to go out for drinks. You don’t have to, I can take you back to your hotel. If you want?”
“Oh no, no, no, I am not wasting a perfectly good opportunity to interrogate your pals.” She mustered up her old school eight shows per week energy, and got up, making him laugh at her sudden energy burst.
They went to some local bar that his friends liked because of the cheaper beer. Jason’s childhood friend- who was also in charge of the event, and his wife kept making her the center of attention during every conversation. They had met before, but this time it felt like they were practically interviewing her.
“How have you been liking Kansas City so far?”
“I’ve only been here for a couple of hours!” Hannah laughed, trying to defend herself from the probe.
Even though Jason was talking to Sam and Will, she could tell he was paying attention to her answers. His childhood friend followed his wife’s question by smacking Jason’s arm to get his attention, “I believe you are required to take the lady to try some KC bbq.”
“Yeah, obviously.” He tilted his head to the side, “Lunch or dinner tomorrow?”
“I think they can go now,” His friend’s wife yelled, bursting into a fit of giggles as soon as she realized how loud she had been. In a much lower voice, she added, “It’s only 9.”
“I guess we have to,” Hannah said looking over at Jason. Now that she was getting to know his friends a little better, she was absolutely obsessed with their lack of subtlety.
***
Minutes later, she was back in the car with Jason and his personal assistant, Chip, on their way to Overland Park. He tried to apologize for his friends, not sure why they insisted to have them go now.
“Overland Park sounds familiar,” she said absentmindedly.
He chuckled under his breath, “It’s where I’m from. We’re gonna pass my folks’ house on the way to the restaurant.”
A part of her wanted to see his childhood house, but even after clearing the air between them, she wasn’t sure if that was something she could ask. Something still felt a little off between them.
“Uhm, Kathy asked if you could stop by,” Chip chimed in from the driver’s seat.
Jason cocked an eyebrow, and looked at his phone, “Now why is my mother telling you and didn’t call me?”
“I only deliver the message, man.”
Hannah tried to hold back a laugh at Chip’s reply- maybe it was jet lag or the alcohol hitting her, suddenly she was feeling like a mixture between tired and excited.
“It will be quick,” Jason said lightly tilting his head, a bit tentative.
Without thinking, she playfully smacked his arm, “Oh, please! You don’t have to ask.” The moment was so quick she didn’t even notice she had done it until he took her hand, and gave her a small smile.
She couldn’t see the house that well in the dark, but stepping into his house was like uncovering another side of him that she hadn’t gotten a chance to know. Framed photos on the walls, flowers in the middle of the their dinning table, tchotchkes over the fireplace and coffee tables—
“Sweet pea! Hello,” Kathy came from a hallway. “It is so nice to see you again.”
Jason’s mother always had this energy about her that felt so comforting, an ability to easily to make others feel like they could open up to her even after meeting within minutes. Kathy told Jason that she had told Chip for him to stop by because the kids asked for him. He went upstairs to check on them while Kathy took a couple of minutes to catch up with her. She congratulated her on hosting the Olivier awards, and Eurovision, telling her how excited she was for her. Their conversation was short, but Hannah managed to slip in a question to ask about Jason’s summer. One that Kathy’s facial expressions didn’t match her the words in her reply.
***
She could feel Jason’s eyes staring at her when they arrived at the barbecue place, practically studying her every move. He probably found it amusing that she was willing to try a little of everything for a non-red meat eater. It took a couple of more drinks to make her mind stop overthinking everything between them.
Soon enough, he was making her laugh like before, she started teasing him back, and were sharing stories about their last couple of months.
“I can’t believe you watched Eurovision,” she laughed. “It’s a lot, if you haven’t grown up with it.”
“Of course, I watched. You were on it.”
She couldn’t stop giggling, trying to cover her mouth, hoping her heated cheeks weren’t as red as they felt. “This is delicious by the way.”
He gave her a pensive look then smiled, pulling up his phone and started to point it at her.
“What are you doing?”
“I need proof of this moment, Han,” he teased. “Who knows when I’ll get to bring you to another one of these places? In Kansas City even!”
She had not noticed how late it had become until they were back in the car after dinner. Her time with Jason usually flew by, and tonight had been no different. Chip drove them back to her hotel, and he waited while he walked her up to her room.
The ride up the lift felt different this time, she was physically closer to him, the quiet moments didn’t feel as uncomfortable, and there was this pull between them that she kept pretending that wasn’t there.
He stayed leaning by the doorframe as she walked into her room. She turned wondering why he didn’t follow.
“I should head out. Big day tomorrow,” he sighed, struggling to follow his own words.
Hannah came closer, practically hovering her lips over his. Then pulled back before they kissed, “Thanks for the late dinner.”
***
Friday was a full day of rehearsals without much of a break in between. Everyone was busy finalizing details for the concert on Saturday. Jason and his friends went to do a handful of interviews in the morning, and early afternoon. Then, met the rest of the group to do a couple of run throughs.
Jason and her felt a lot more comfortable during their song, they played it serious and then joked through it. In between rehearsals, she noticed Will giving Jason a knowing look, she wondered about it and why Jason played it off.
They went out for a couple of drinks with the group again, Jason’s friends still lacked subtlety, but this time they didn’t need to push them out for dinner. Jason was the one who noticed she was tired, and gave her a ride back to her hotel.
“Before I forget, here’s the shirt for tomorrow,” he handed her this navy blue t-shirt with yellow, red and orange letters.
She smiled as she took the shirt, already thinking about the DIY project she would have as soon as he left.
Saturday felt more like a blur. When she did theater, they usually rehearsed months before putting on a musical, this event was put together with barely any rehearsal (it wasn’t supposed to be rehearsed either) so everything felt more important to pull off within the first run. She went straight to the theater after breakfast, they fully rehearsed each number, and then Jason took her for an early lunch while his friend’s band did their own run through.
She went back on stage for one last run after lunch, satisfied enough she sat on the side of the stage to watch everyone else sing their parts. There was no time to think about what she was feeling towards Jason, she put everything aside and focused on the job in hand. All of this was everything she loved about being an entertainer, plus it was for a good cause.
It was getting close to showtime. Everyone changed into what they would be wearing on stage- Brendan into his first outfit of the night, since he felt that multiple changes were necessary. She changed into the t-shirt that Jason gave her last night, and as expected- he did have a reaction when she came out of the changing room.
“What?”
He shook his head, lightly shrugging as he raised his hands, “Nothing, nothing.”
“I don’t know how you manage to keep that hoodie on all day. It is hot, and just going to get worse after you go on stage.”
“Maybe think of it this way- I’m balancing out with whatever fabric you cut off from that t-shirt,” he joked with the most stupid grin on his face as he said it.
“Prick,” she rolled her eyes, and like a reflex, smacked his arm a bit too hard.
“Ouch!” He complained, rubbing the spot where she hit him.
The rest of the guys that were going to perform were either coming into the room, or already standing around. Hannah was getting high on her pre-show jitters, mixed in with everyone else’s nerves that made for a special kind of energy around the room.
Jason raised his eyebrows, seemingly noticing her behavior, “You getting nervous?”
“A little, yes,” she answered truthfully. “You?”
“Mostly because I don’t want to disappoint him,” he tilted his head toward his friend, who was talking to his band. “But, it’s the normal amount.”
She started doing little jumps in place to ease the tension off her body, trying very hard not have any reaction towards Jason’s answer, even though it made her heart tender. He made the effort to be here, call people to join the cause, and was mostly worried about being a good friend.
Someone came over to their side and gestured at Jason to follow them, he mouthed back, “Gimme a sec.” Then turned back to her, “Han?”
She hummed-not really paying attention, now focused on trying to reserve her energy for her big introduction. He took her hand to make her stop moving and turn back to him, “They are going to love whatever you give them. This isn’t a big fancy event that is going to make headlines, it’s more like the little overlap between karaoke and actual singers.” She made the mistake to look into his gaze as he comforted her, even as they were in a room full of people- in that second, it felt like it was only them.
Fuck.
He blinked a couple of times, like getting out of a hypnotic state, and pretended everything was normal, “Don’t worry, we’re here to have fun and raise money.”
Breathe, you silly woman.
It took a moment to remind herself that they were about to go on stage, and a minute before she was able to turn around to join the rest of the people in the room. She found someone to make small talk, and hyped up anyone that passed around them.
Brendan came over with one of the photographers, he was another one of Jason’s childhood friends, also named Jason. The man started to take pictures of the group as Brendan yelled out, “We’re starting in five minutes folks!”
Everyone started to huddle around, Jason came back into the room and joined everyone. Their eyes met, his little smile felt reassuring, she gave him a nod back. It was odd how it felt like they both understood exactly what they were saying to each other. A wordless exchange. Was it something in the eyes?
He asked for everyone’s attention, thanked everyone for being there and gave a speech. His friend in charge of the charity also talked, then they all placed their hands in the middle and called out the name of the event as they broke off laughing and plenty of enthusiasm required to do an event like this one.
The audience outside was so excited, that usually helped to energize the performers. Brendan, Will and Sam each sung something before Jason walked out and officially started the event. Her own nerves vanished as soon as it was her turn to walk out on stage, the screams from the audience were deafening giving her a natural high from how welcoming they were.
By her second song, Hannah was already having too much fun to overthink whether she was technically giving a good performance. She felt like a rock star, feeding off the audience’s energy and enjoying the company around her. Having to put herself in the right state of mind for her songs was also playing with her emotions. Especially, when she sang ‘You Oughta know,’ not quite sure who she had in mind at the time, but either way felt fucking liberating.
In between songs, she ran backstage to get some water and bumped into Jason, “It’s fun, isn’t it?”
Giggling, she nodded and pushed him out of her way, “Go on, back on stage J!”
“Going!”
About ten minutes later, Will and her were standing on stage left waiting for their next song. Will looked over at her, “Ready?” He extended his hand to high five her right as Jason was introducing him, she hesitated to high five him back- she had been warned about Will’s high fives. With no time, and because she didn’t want to leave him hanging, she gave him a high five back. The git hit her quite hard, but not as hard as she had seen him high five others. Will gave her a silly smile and ran out on stage.
Hannah shook her hand, it was a small gesture, but it meant he considered her a friend too. She started to pay closer attention the moment Jason said, “There’s nobody I would rather sing this song with…”
He started singing his part, then came her cue, “And in the bad times I feel myself.”
“Tell me something boy,” she sung as she walked out on stage. The screams were so loud, she focused more on her words and getting through the bit. She slapped Will out of the way, they had played around with several ways she could have done it- that was just the way that felt right in the moment.
She had suggested the change of song because she thought it matched both of their voices better than the original song they had picked. They had rehearsed the song several times, but it wasn’t until she was on stage that some of the lyrics hit a little harder.
“Aren’t you tired
tryna fill that void?”
“In the bad times, I fear myself,” she closed her eyes, trying not to think of how she missed him during the summer, angry at him for not trying harder and hating herself for still feeling in love with the same man that was causing her that pain.
She opened her eyes when his voice came together with hers, cutting through her memories, “We’re far from the shallow now.”
Their gazes interlocked with each other, giving her this feeling like they were just singing to each other. He broke the moment gesturing at the crowd as he sang, ‘Far from the shallow now…’ Just in time for the climatic moment of the song, he stepped back and let the light fall only on her.
He came back to her side after the moment passed, again both looked at each other like they were the only two people in the room. Something about the way he looked at her that made her feel like before the summer sent them on separate paths; she felt that pull towards him again, a craving to be with him, maybe the time away from each other was exactly what they needed.
The song ends with him pulling her into a hug, she took a second before she hugged him back. Right as she wrapped her arms around him, she felt herself getting closer to him- healing a little. She squeezed him, and left the stage feeling lighter.
Jason came backstage after he introduced someone else to perform, he took her wrist and led her into one of the rooms. She looked around the room, tonight it was used as a changing room, so there were bags on the floor, and makeup purses by the mirror.
Both of them alone in the room.
She couldn’t help how much she was laughing that she failed to note that last detail, “What is it?”
“I wanted to talk to you,” he said pretty quiet, checking that his mic pack was off. He ran his fingers through his tousled hair, looking back and forth at the closed door and back at her.
“Right now? Jason, it’s the middle—“ Their lips came together before she could finish. He cupped her face, urgently kissing her as one of his hands slid down to her neck, while his other hand buried his fingers in her hair.
As much as a part of her thought to stop him, she wanted this too. It was just confirmation that whatever she felt on stage had been shared between them. He needed her just as badly.
This kiss was different than the one they shared Thursday night. This was pure desire, a shared ache between them that needed to be satisfied. She craved to feel his hands running over her skin, like an electric wave that could revive her. Without breaking their kiss, she pulled her t-shirt out of the waistband of her jeans.
He pinned her against the wall behind them, every kiss felt desperate, needy. She pulled away to catch her breath; he didn’t let it stop him, he moved down her neck, nibbling at her skin. Between heavy, shallow breaths, she moaned, “Jas—“
Someone knocked at the door. Two firm knocks, followed by a voice asking for Jason to go to stage.
Both froze in place.
She looked at him, dazed at how little thought she had put into this moment. Quickly rationalizing that it was the song they had performed, and their emotions blurring the line between the performance and them.
“I’ll be right there!” he yelled, loosening his grip around her.
Hannah let out a nervous laugh, swiped her finger over his lips, “Go ahead, I’ll be right there.”
***
By the end of the concert, Jason announced that they had broken their fundraising record compared to the previous year. Everyone on stage celebrated and hugged each other; at the end of it all, that was the main goal of the night.
Once the event ended, Hannah wandered backstage waiting around while she talked to some of his friends, her new acquaintances, and his family members that had attended. Spending a little time with his family always ended in her getting lost in their care and kindness. Especially with his mom, and sister Lindsay.
Jason came to greet his family, and kids. His mother whispered something into his ear, he nodded and then looked over at her.
“Will and Brendan are staying at my parents’ house—“ he sounded a bit sheepish now.
“Hannah will come along, too,” Kathy went straight to the question, or rather answer. “Aren’t you, hon?”
“Uhm…?” Hannah looked at Jason for any sign of what she should answer, he just gave her a nod that made her laugh. Practically saying ‘please say yes or my mom will not be happy.’ “I guess I am.”
A little over an hour later, Kathy was hosting while everyone had drinks around her dining room table. They usually had big family get-togethers, so the dining room was adequately prepared for a big group. Hannah sat in between Kathy and one of Jason’s siblings, while he sat across from her. She overheard several anecdotes, and joined in some of the conversations as everyone got increasingly more intoxicated.
One by one, people started to go to bed until Jason and her were the only ones left. They talked until early morning just as she realized she wasn’t sure where she was going to sleep.
“On the floor Wadds,” he joked. “I mean look at the time already.”
She rolled her eyes, likely made a face back at him. If she hadn’t been as tired as she was, she would have properly teased him back.
“You can take my bed. Come on.”
He led her to the basement, his room was a mixture between movie merchandise from some projects he had done years ago, and what looked like a young adult’s room.
“Is this your childhood bedroom?” She asked looking around.
“Not really, it became my space after I dropped out of college.”
She laughed as she picked up an Angry bird keychain of his character.
“Unless you wanna sleep in that, you can take a t-shirt from there,” he pointed at his dresser. “Let me grab a couple of things, and I’ll be out of your way.”
“Where are you going to sleep?”
“Couch upstairs.”
She looked at him for a moment while he took a blanket and some sweatpants, then started to head towards the stairs. Something about seeing him leave made her move, she pulled at his arm, “Uhm…”
He turned, “You okay?”
“Yes, I just—can you stay?”
Jason raised his eyebrows, giving her a somewhat confused look, “Are you sure?”
“Not like that,” she nervously laughed, thinking about what they almost did backstage. “I don’t trust myself with you that way, yet.”
“We almost—“
“I know. It would have been a mistake.”
He winced, lowering his chin to his chest.
“I’m not saying I didn’t want to. Just that it would have been too soon.” This seemed to give him enough confidence for him to make eye contact with her again. She wasn’t sure why, but she just wanted to be near him. Maybe it was how tired she was, or the alcohol. Either way, she just had to ask, “But, I’m leaving tomorrow morning, and god…I’ve missed you, JS. I just want…closeness?”
“I can do that.” He dropped the things he was going to take upstairs, took her hand and led her to his bed. Both of them laid down, he wrapped one arm around her pulling her closer to him. It was exactly what she needed, she laid over his chest while they talked about the most trivial things until they fell asleep.