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At night, Judas seeks out a tree.
He finds one that is sturdy and will carry his weight, standing by its root with the rope in his hands. It"s only there in the darkness and the cold that he allows himself a moment of hesitation; a part of him still shudders at the thought of taking his own life, refusing to die even in the face of his all-consuming guilt. But the moment only lasts as long as Judas inhales, his hands tightening around the rope.
He knows what he must do. It won"t make things right again, but it"s justice. Judas exhales, and takes a step towards the tree.
"Why aren"t you sleeping, Judas?"
It can"t be.
Judas freezes to his spot, glancing down to stare down at the rope in his hands. It feels real, biting into the skin of his palms as he grips it, and soft, cold breeze blowing around him feels real too. But the wind is also what carries a scent to his nose, a scent of something rotten. Judas forces himself to turn around, his hands starting to shake as soon as he"s not facing the tree anymore.
Jesus stands there, his body grey and naked, holes gaping in his palms and ankles. He is smiling.
"You did your duty, and you were rewarded for it." Jesus bends his neck to the side, still watching him. "You should sleep easily, without fear. Why aren"t you?"
"My lord," Judas gasps, the rope falling through his hands onto the ground. He strides forward, not even thinking about what he"s doing as he falls on his knees before Jesus, wrapping his arms around his legs. "Forgive me, my lord, forgive me!"
He buries his face into Jesus"s bare stomach, not caring that the scent of the rot is stronger now. Tears fill his eyes, his entire body trembles.
"You have already been forgiven," Jesus whispers, resting his hands on the top of Judas"s head. "From the very moment I first saw you, I forgave you."
The words make Judas flinch, but he doesn"t let Jesus go. Jesus strokes his hair, accepting his miserable sobs as he cries, truly weeps for Jesus, for the crime crime he has committed against him. He doesn"t deserve those tender hands petting him, but he also can"t pull away, can"t stop rubbing his face against Jesus"s cold belly.
Jesus lets him cry for a long time, just standing there in Judas"s embrace, until he finally brings his hands on Judas"s shoulders.
"Stand up," he says.
Judas sniffles, but doesn"t hesitate to obey.
"How are you here?" he asks.
"I said I would come back, didn"t I?" Jesus still smiles, stroking Judas"s shoulders. "Did you not have faith in me?"
Judas shakes his head to deny, even though the answer is that he didn"t. He hoped, but he didn"t really believe.
"I"m sorry," he whispers.
"Don"t be." Jesus lifts his hand up to Judas"s cheek, cupping it gently. "You only did what had to be done. If anything, I should be grateful to you."
With that, Jesus leans towards him, kissing Judas on his lips.
For a second, the kiss is just like the one Judas gave to Jesus; light, reverent, full of unspoken things. But Jesus stays there, moving his mouth against Judas"s, and Judas can"t help but open up to him, grasping the back of Jesus"s head and wrapping an arm around him as he returns the kiss, as his passion turns him into an animal. His prick rises to life underneath his robes, poking against Jesus"s thighs as they kiss, and the longer the kiss lasts, the more the scent of rot fades away, until it"s not there anymore.
Judas pants as Jesus finally withdraws, his lips still drawn in a beatific smile.
"I am in pain," Jesus says. "Would you like to make me feel better?"
"Anything," Judas claims, burning with shame; he should have realized that Jesus is still suffering. But Jesus takes his hands to Judas"s robes, parting them before reaching inside, making Judas jump as his hand brushes over his erect cock.
"It"s my hands. They ache from the nails." Jesus grinds his palm against Judas"s cock, making him gasp and twitch. "It was meant to be, but so is this."
Judas shivers as Jesus brings the hole in his hand to the head of his cock.
"Fuck it," Jesus whispers. "This wound is from you. Fuck it."
Shuddering, Judas shakes his head.
"Will you deny me your affection?" Jesus asks, and for the first time he sounds sad. He keeps his hand, his cold, stiff hand, between Judas"s thighs.
Judas shakes his head, even though his hand hesitates before reaching out to grasp Jesus"s wrist. He takes his cock into his hand, biting his lip as he guides it to the hole.
Jesus"s eyes close as Judas starts to slide into the hole in his hand, and he bends his head back, exposing his throat. Bile rises up into Judas"s throat when he feels the head of his cock pop out from the hole on the other side of Jesus"s hand, too fast.
He stops there, barely daring to breathe as he feels the hole turn first slick around his cock, then sticky. It must be blood. Feeling ill, Judas tries to draw back, but Jesus thrusts his hand forward the moment he tries, further impaling himself on Judas"s cock.
"Will you deny me or not?" Jesus asks, opening his eyes again. The smile hasn"t once left his lips, but it looks hollow now as he watches Judas with cold, unfeeling eyes.
That is enough to break down Judas"s last resistance.
"Never," he whispers, adjusting his grip on Jesus"s wrist as he surges forward with his hips, thrusting.
It"s a sickening sensation, feeling his cock move back and forth within the hole in the hand, but Jesus"s smile turns warm again, and so do his eyes, and he lifts his other hand up to Judas"s cheek. This hand, too, is bleeding now, wetting Judas"s skin.
"You are doing well," Jesus says, his voice encouraging. "You always did what I needed you to do."
Judas closes his own eyes, forcing his hips to keep moving. Jesus keeps stroking his cheek, leaving more blood on him, but the blood is no longer the only wet thing on his face. Judas whimpers in his throat, his tears falling.
"That"s why I chose you," Jesus whispers, dragging his thumb across Judas"s open, panting mouth.
Sobbing, Judas keeps thrusting, hearing the hole squelch. He grips Jesus"s wrist, mouth falling further open as Jesus thrusts his thumb between his lips, touches his teeth, his tongue.
"That"s why you had to be the one to kill me."
Jesus thrusts his hand, the one that Judas is fucking, forward, until the rest of his palm comes to contact with Judas. Judas opens his eyes, looking down to see his cock sticking out of the hole, drenched in blood and viscera, twitching and throbbing. Jesus pulls his hand back, curling his fingers around Judas"s shaft and squeezing it.
Crying out, Judas spends himself, his cock jerking within the hole in Jesus"s hand as his seed drips down to the ground. Jesus pulls his hand back along Judas"s shaft before closing his fist around the head of Judas"s cock. His hand is warm now, alive.
"You did everything right, Judas. Sleep well with that in mind." Jesus withdraws his hand, the hole within it now soaked with Judas"s seed. He smiles at Judas, lifting his stained hand up to Judas"s face so he can grasp it from the both sides, kissing him again.
Judas closes his eyes, weeping against Jesus"s mouth. When he opens them again, Jesus is gone.
He has just enough dignity left to cover himself up again before returning to the tree, picking the rope up from the ground as he goes. This time, no part of him hesitates.