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Charles is pacing around the office, trying to physically shake the nerves out of him. He’s not sure why he decided that he wanted to go blabbing his secret to Edwin, but he had already told Crystal, and Edwin had already told Charles his biggest secret, so he supposed it was only fair. And it was just his parents, just two people on the other side of a mirror. He thinks Edwin would watch his parents too if they were still alive, so he really absolutely shouldn’t be this nervous, but he feels like he’s about to vomit up his own heart right into Edwin’s hands, so he continues to pace. He’s not even sure when Edwin will be back, deciding that he was the one who should supervise Crystal, Niko, and Monty’s grocery shopping trip, so Charles really should just calm the fuck down already. It’ll be fine.
~~~~
“We’re back.” Edwin walks through the wall an hour later, announcing the return of the group as the rest of them pile through the door, grocery bags in hand. “Honestly every time we go, I forget just how much humans need to eat. Kind of a messy process if you really think about it. Glad we don’t have to do it anymore.”
“Yeah,” Charles says offhandedly, not particularly listening to what Edwin’s saying. All he can think is he’s going to hate me for keeping this from him. He doesn’t think he could handle that, Edwin hating him. He squares his shoulders and takes an unnecessary breath. “Mate, could I talk to you actually? Alone?”
Edwin’s face suddenly turns serious, moving quickly to cross the room and stand in front of Charles. “Are you alright?” he asks, eyes flicking over Charles, looking for any injuries or anything else out of sorts. “The Night Nurse hasn’t decided to give us over to Death has she?”
Charles shakes his head, a smile gracing his lips despite his nerves. Edwin’s worry over him was sweet, and Charles has to admit, it feels nice to have someone worry about him and his well being for once. He never really had that when he was alive, so he’ll take it when he’s dead. “Nah, nothing like that,” Charles says. “It’s something I’ve been keeping from you, and I feel bad about not telling you.”
Edwin’s mouth quirks up in his odd little smirk that’s laced with too many emotions to really even be called a smirk. “I kept things from you, you kept things from me. I’m sure you had your reasons.” He puts a reassuring hand on Charles’s shoulder. “Tell me whenever you’re ready.”
Charles lets out a sigh and touches the mirror in the corner of the room. His parents appear, looking the same as they always do, sat in front of the telly, eyes unfixed, letting the world pass them by. Charles wonders if they ever think about him, ever visit his grave and tell his headstone how much they miss him. He’s not sure if he wants the answer. “I watch them all the time,” he tells Edwin.
Edwin raises a hand to the mirror, as if he wants to reach out and touch them, smooth Charles’s mom’s hair or adjust his father’s collar. “I don’t know why I thought they were dead,” he says.
“Yeah, Crystal said the same thing.”
“You told Crystal before me?” Charles can hear the hurt in Edwin’s voice and he cringes. Stupid . Why did he bring that up?
“She had just spilled her guts about David, and you didn’t like her, and I just-I wanted to share something with her. I wanted her to like us.”
“To like you , you mean,” Edwin says with a very pointed look.
“In order for her to like me, she has to like you too, doesn’t she? We’re a package deal, you and me,” Charles reaches over to grab Edwin’s hand, pressing a light kiss to it. He knows he should probably feel weird about being so touchy with a boy who’s in love with him, that’s something his father would definitely say, but Edwin’s more than just ‘a boy who’s in love with Charles.’ He’s Charles’s other half, and no feelings of any kind were changing that. “Rowland and Payne, against the world.”
“Against Death would be a bit more apt,” Edwin says. He turns back to the mirror, peering at the people who lay beyond it. “I don’t think I would watch my parents, if I had the option. They weren’t very attentive. I don’t think they ever wanted to be parents, it was just what was expected of them. And I don’t think they would be particularly receptive to some new developments about their son’s proclivities.”
Charles sighs. Here we go , he thinks. It’s now or never . “I do miss them,” he says, still holding onto Edwin’s hand like a lifeline. “But that’s not the only reason I check in on them. My dad, he used to hit me, you know? And I never knew why . I tried so hard to be the perfect son. I was nice, I was smart, I was athletic and popular and everything you should want your kid to be but it was never enough .” Charles hears the edge creeping into his voice, the anger that simmers just under the surface. He takes a deep breath. “I was never enough and he always let me know how much I disappointed him, but now I’m gone.” He looks at the mirror, at his mother sitting peacefully on the sofa. “I worry that he’s gonna let his anger out on her, use her as his punching bag now that he doesn’t have me. I keep an eye on her, even though she always turned a blind one to me.”
“Charles,” Edwin starts. “That’s one of the kindest and bravest things I’ve heard. I don’t think I could find it in me to be that forgiving.”
“You forgave that Simon bloke, didn’t you? The one who sacrificed you?”
“Well, yes, I suppose I did,” Edwin says. “But he was young and scared and in over his head. He didn’t know what he was doing. Your father knew what he was doing when he hit you, and your mother knew what she was doing when she ignored the abuse. They don’t deserve someone like you watching over them.”
Charles shrugs. “Probably not, but they’re getting me anyway.” He swallows thickly. “I just wish I could ask him why. Ask him what he was trying to beat out of me. What I did for him to scream at me and tell me I was nothing. I just want to know.”
“You’re not nothing,” Edwin says, squeezing Charles’s hand. “You’re kind, and smart, and so stupidly loyal that you walked into Hell for me.”
“And I’d do it again,” he says. He’d even offer to stay in Hell if it meant Edwin got to stay up here and be happy. “You know that.” A thought briefly flickers in his head, wondering how his father would react if his son was a queer, but he doesn’t want to think about that right now.
“Let us all hope that you don’t have to,” Edwin says. “I’m sorry if you thought you couldn’t tell me about your parents. I know I’m a bit…callous at times.”
“Nothing to do with you mate,” Charles says, shooting him a quick smile. “Well, maybe just a teensy bit about how you’d react, but it was more that I was embarrassed. But then on the stairs to Hell, you were so brave and you made me feel like I could be that brave too and tell you about the thing that I thought made me weak.”
“Your caring heart makes you strong,” Edwin promises. “No one thinks of you as lesser for finding it in yourself to still care about the people who didn’t care for you.”
Charles scoots closer to Edwin and rests his head on his shoulder. He waves his hand in front of the mirror and his parents disappear, leaving the two of them staring at their own reflections. “No more secrets between us,” Charles says. “What d’you think?”
“I poured my heart out to you on the stairway to Hell,” Edwin says. “I think I decided no more secrets first.”
“Got me there,” Charles says with a laugh. He looks back to the mirror and he thinks he seems lighter somehow. They both do, like weights have been taken off their shoulders. He likes it better like this, almost all their secrets out in the open. If only he could find the bravery to admit the other one to himself. But he’s got forever to figure that one out. Right now it’s just him and Edwin and the rest of their friends and no one hates him and he’s loved and wanted . That’s all Charles could’ve ever wished for.