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This is the first time in months… Maybe years, that Sejanus has been in front of a mirror. And the image that greets him is terrifying.
Like always is.
His face is rounder. His legs and arms are ticker. His hips have widened, just a little more. His nipples are huge and dark, and the elephant in the room.
His bump.
Round. Bulging out. Stretching his skin. Sejanus touches it and seeing in the reflection his hand there causes the conflict to break out in him.
It's not the first time he's seen it.
At the beginning there were mirrors everywhere, so Sejanus could get a good look at what was happening to his body. So that he could not escape from what he was becoming, but not only were there mirrors. There were his eyes that saw his swollen stomach grow every day, and the sensations of something moving inside him.
His breathing hitches while a vague memory of the past came to his mind.
Blood dripping from his hand, shards on the floor and walls, someone coming towards him, and then nothing. Only unconsciousness and darkness. He remembered waking up and seeing that there were no more mirrors. Not anymore since what he tried to do with the piece of mirror that he held closer to his chest.
At that time he believed that it was unnatural. Whatever Dr. Gaul did with him was an attempt to play Nature rol’s and the thing inside Sejanus was not a baby like she said, but a parasite draining his energy, making his muscles ache. A parasite trying to usurp his body and tear him apart…That is why there were so many incidents with scissors, scalpels, and shattered fingernails.
Desperate attempts to expel the invader, to pull it out of his and let it die, but Dr. Gaul would not let him ruin her plans. So they held him down with chains, sedated him, beat him. Once they almost drowned him! They did everything to stop his fight. For let the experiment continue and break him.… but it didn't help at all.
Nothing did until she was born.
Sejanus did not want to meet her. Scared of what he would see but was forced to do the act. Something was given to him, in his arms… and It didn't make any sense. It didn't have it, that seeing Amethyst, —as he had named her later for himself—, would make him feel so much tenderness. Nor so much love.
He still remembered her well.
Amethyst's eyes were closed. She opened them slightly, and there were two big brown eyes, similar to his. Tiny freckles peeked out to show off her brown skin, though she looked a little lighter than him. Over that she was so small, so fragile and precious.
Sejanus understood then that Gaul never lied. That was a baby.
His baby
, born of his flesh, born of his blood... and then they took her off.
Dr. Gaul said it would only be for a minute but his baby never came back. Sejanus was left alone, with an empty feeling in his chest, a resentful body craving to hold the child that was by his side for nine months.
Afterwards, history repeated itself with Carnelian, Zircon, and Pyrithia. No matter how much Sejanus screamed or cried or begged , they will take each one away from him, every time.
His soul was broken, crushed.
The love he felt worked better than any threat, because all that Sejanus wanted was to hold his babies for more than five minutes and for that reason, with the passage of time, he stopped fighting, stopped trying to run away. Stopped from doing anything.
Too worried about his babies, that were always fading in his arms. Too afraid to provoke Gaul’s anger and that they will pay the price.
Sejanus moved his hand closer to the mirror, the same hand that was touching his stomach with. A feeling he thought he had forgotten tempted him to shatter his reflection. It was the overwhelming desire to take that mirror and throw it on the floor, to clean up the mess with his hands, and make wounds open up in his skin, invading every rational thought, but instead to keep listening to the voices in his head, he just started to walk away from the mirror.
Following the urge to sit down and take a deep breath for a minute.
Breathing is difficult, and Sejanus tries to hold on to his present. He needs to remember that he is sitting on a bed. A real bed, soft and warm. Things are different now, he is no longer trapped in the hell of the Citadel. He hugs himself, and looks at his room, while his breathing calms down. No. He is no longer a prisoner, Sejanus thinks, he is now safe. A refugee in the ancestral home of the Snows, closer to heaven and everything it’s going to be different.
This could be his baby for real… if he stops causing problems.
Sejanus shouting to get away. His hand scratching someone’s face. Two blue eyes, furious, staring at him. A door that is slammed.
Images that he wishes never existed echo in his memory and the bed loses its comfort. It is the scene of one of Sejanus’s greatest mistakes. He has to get out of bed anyway, and start getting ready, if he really wants to do what he has planned today.
He approaches his closet, to search through the clothes for a suitable one, and as he runs his fingers through them he can't help but think guiltily that each one has been a gift he didn't deserve.
The dull blue walls, not blinding white, was the first thing Sejanus noticed when he woke up in this room for the first time. He felt confused and frightened. Too scared, because he was sure it was some trick of Gaul's, the same person who considered it hilarious to put him in an imitation of a nursery room from time to time. He had no idea why he had been put in that bed with lots of pillows, nor why he was given a plate of food on the night table.
Sejanus just knew it couldn't be genuine, and waited anxiously as the days went by for the trick to be revealed. He wait in vain.
There is a black silk shirt, with buttons. It fit him well at first, but now he can only wear it if he doesn't button halfway down. He considers it, along with another loose-fitting shirt, in a shade of maroon. Sejanus wonders if perhaps he should dress it completely, and let himself be unwrapped as a gift, but he knows that if he did, he would have to offer an explanation… and he doesn't think he has the strength to open his mouth to say anything coherent.
If he can't believe himself that he's actually going to do it.
It took Sejanus a long time to realize that his mysterious visitor, the same one who offered him a new plate of food every time, and looked too much like Coriolanus, was in fact Coriolanus Snow. In front of him. Once again.
Not a twisted illusion with which Gaul would torture him, but his friend, the same one who warned Sejanus of his dangerous games with the rebels, who tried to rescue him in the past from his stupid decisions and who had rescued him against all odds.
The only person in the world who knew he was still alive and never thought of abandoning him. Even if his mind was out, even if his body was strange, even if Sejanus was now a mutt more than a human being.
Coriolanus believed that Sejanus was worthy of being treated with dignity, and he had done nothing but disrupt his life. Filling it with problems.
Snow was forced to live with Sejanus, to have him under his care. In his departament two rooms are now occupied. One where Sejanus slept. One for his future baby. Which he has been decorating for months, with things Coriolanus has bought.
Not only that but birthday parties, outings with his friends, work meetings, which Sejanus knows were rejected because he was drowning in pain, and selfishly demanded Coriolanus's attention, love and protection. To his sadness it was obvious that he was disturbing his friend’s life in every aspect, despite that Coryo saved him from Dr. Gaul's clutches, Sejanus had achieved nothing more than to be a nuisance.
The situation was becoming untenable. Sejanus had to do something.
He was going to do something, he encouraged himself firmly while fixing his hair, in front of the mirror, and tried to stretch the shirt he was wearing. It was barely covered above his knees, the attempt didn’t cover anything but considering what he planned to do, maybe it was a good thing that the shirt would be so short.
It was months ago when a sound broke the silence of the night.
Sejanus was used to waking up at ungodly hours in the middle of the night. Past the first trimester his baby would move like crazy, and steal his sleep. At moments like that, there was nothing else to do but wait, that maybe with his affectionate murmurs and gentle caresses on his stomach, Jasper would calm down.
But that night it was not simply the kicks, the ones that chased away his dream. It was a loud, and clear moan, that made itself to be heard in the darkness.
He was frightened at first, that moan seemed to be born of pain, and concern immediately seized Sejanus. Concern for the only other inhabitant in the house: Coriolanus. His Coriolanus. He would have tried to get up to find out what was happening, if the moaning had not been heard again and with it another kind of noise.
Meaningless babbling. A wet sound. The mattress squeaking.
Sejanus understood. That was not a moan of pain, and he felt horrified. He tried to cover his ears, to avoid being part of this violation of Coriolanus's privacy but nothing could drown out the sound, the dream never came, he kept listening, like a pervert and before dawn came he discovered exactly how Coryo sounded when he finished. Sejanus was unable to look him in the eyes the next day, eaten away by guilt and shame.
He tried not to think about it too much, it's not as if masturbating was a foreign concept to him and Coriolanus was a person with needs like any other, but It kept happening every night for the next 2 months and he could swear it was getting louder and louder by every day it pass.
Sejanus really tried everything to stop to think about it. What Coriolanus did in his room, in the middle of the night, was none of his business. Alas he could not complain, because was Snow’s house. He just tried going to sleep earlier, to sleep later. To cover his ears with pillows, read a damn book, and listen to music on the little device Coriolanus gave him... but it was all useless.
He was still awake, hearing how in the next room, his friend, his savior was touching himself.
And then he began to worry. It's not like masturbating was bad, but the frequency with which it happened, the length of time it lasted... Coriolanus was handsome, he had a well-known reputation as a player at the academy, even if Sejanus believed it was exaggerated, he knew that actually many girls —and Sejanus himself— were secretly in love with him.
He was also a gentleman, whose slender figure stood out in the suits they now wore. Maturity had refined his features, his back had widened and he no longer looked malnourished… So why would someone like Coriolanus, capable of hooked up with a different person every night if he wanted, now spend his nights masturbating alone?
It seemed like a strange situation.
Sejanus kept torturing himself with the thought that it was wrong to think so much about it, while keeping doing it, until the answer came to him, when one day Coriolanus told him he would be later than usual at their home:
"I'm going to visit Tigris. And her apartment is far from the Corso, plus I haven't seen her in months so she's going to want me to fill her in on everything that's happened in my life."
Was his explanation as he put on his red coat.
"Oh. Okay." Sejanus said and blinked. He wanted to say more but had to hold back the dumb impulse to tell Coriolanus to send his regards. He couldn’t ask that, no one outside of Coriolanus and Dr. Gaul knew he was still alive.
It was hard to remember that fact and Sejanus's expression turned nostalgic. Coriolanus looked at him quizzically:
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." Sejanus tried to lie, but Coriolanus's scowl let him know that the other had easily seen through his lies, so he gave him the truth, immediately to correct his mistake.
"It's just that I would have liked to talk with Tigris. She was very kind from what I remember."
She really was. They had only spoken a couple of times briefly but each time he was charmed by the girl. As gentle as his cousin, though more affectionate and soft. And though Sejanus knew it was ambitious to ask for more than he already had, in the deep he would have liked to be able to talk to people other than Coriolanus.
He was grateful for his company, and enjoyed it, but the idea of being able to cross words with Tigris. His Ma. Even Strabo. Anyone else, was one he often longed for, because Sejanus missed feeling like a person and not like a prisoner, locked in the departament.
Coriolanus watched him in silence, weighing in his mind what he would say and with a sweetness uncharacteristic of him, he speak:
"I'm sure she would love to talk to you too, but it's not like I could invite her to come here right? We're in this alone."
That was the harsh reality. They were alone in this, and actually Sejanus was very lucky to have Coriolanus now by his side. Why did he still want more?
Snow smiled at him strangely. He was trying to cheer him up but the gesture came across as more uncanny than reassuring, Sejanus nodded his head before saying goodbye to Coriolanus with a kiss on the cheek, and it was in that instant that the pieces connected.
If Tigris, the only living family Coriolanus had left, one of the people he trusted the most, could barely spend time with him not enter his house because of Sejanus's fucked up situation. No doubt a girl, pretty and attractive that Coriolanus wanted to date or sleep with couldn't cross the threshold either.
The thought was terrible and only made Sejanus's chest grow with guilt for all the trouble he had caused his friend but it was the only possible explanation.
He wanted to fix it but how? It's not as if Sejanus could leave the penthouse. He doesn't think Coriolanus would feel comfortable taking a girl even if Sejanus promised to lock himself in his room and not complain about it, and when he tried to suggest to Coriolanus that he could leave him alone one night if he wanted to do something on his own, the proposal was effusively rejected.
Coryo said to Sejanus, he had no reason to stay away from home for so long:
“I thought we had already talked about this. I'm not leaving you alone to go to Festus's silly birthday party. I've been to many in the past, Sejanus, he's not going to die because I don't go to one.”
"I think you're missing my point Coryo. I'm not talking about you hanging out with Festus or your friends at all. I'm talking about you hanging out with someone you love…” —Like you loved Lucy Gray, thinks a little voice in his head but he says nothing, nervous to be talking about this with Coriolanus.
"You don't need to give that up just to help me, it’s what I mean.”
Snow looks up from the papers on the table. Look at Sejanus, with an indecipherable expression.
"I'm not giving up on anything. Besides, I have my priorities straight, and I have to take care of you, don't I? Tell me Sejanus, who can do it but me?"
“No one.”
Sejanus's answer and Coriolanus seemed to end their conversation, but none of this calmed the anguish he felt. He had done everything in his power not to cause more trouble than he had already caused. He really tried not to complain about the pain he felt unless it was too much. None of the sleepless nights he spent, he never tried to wake Coriolanus, he would prepare food for him every day to show his appreciation, but in the end they were all useless gestures that paled beside what Coryo had done for him.
What he saved him from, and now that selfless gesture had screwed up Coriolanus's love and sex life. His chances of having a partner were now zero and all thanks to Sejanus… That's how he ended up in front of the door’s room.
He took a deep breath before opening the door to Coriolanus's room, it felt like an intrusion to enter it, though in theory Snow had never forbidden Sejanus to enter his room, this was the only place in the apartment he hadn't been before, an effort to allow Coryo to have a little space of privacy in his own house.
Sejanus was shocked to notice that the room looked so empty. There was a desk with some notebooks, a laptop and little else over it. The closet at the back. A picture of what looked like Coriolanus’s parents hanging on the wall and a large bed, covered in black sheets.
He blushed at the sight of it, and lost some of the courage he felt in the morning to do this to carry out his plan:
Climbing into Coriolanus's bed with only a shirt covering his skin, and nothing else.
Sejanus does not know well how that madness began to be born in his delusional mind, but he remembers that occasion when his plate had less food than Coriolanus's, how he scolded him for not eating enough.
How he did not let Sejanus leave the table until he confessed the motivation behind his enigmatic actions.
"I look fat." Was Sejanus's reply.
Listening to his own concerns out loud was embarrassing and he couldn't help but think how ironic it was that this was a concern for him now, when before he was more worried about if Dr. Gaul would attempt to dissect him alive one of these days.
Coriolanus simply watched him perplexed and then laughed in his face.
"You're pregnant."
He said, laughing as if that would explain everything. Sejanus feels then annoyed.
Because he knew that. He knew it better than anyone else. He understood it more than Coriolanus and started to get up from the table, ready to go to his room. Snow stopped him, holding his hand.
He rolled his eyes as if Sejanus were a spoiled child to whom the situation had to be explained.
"It's common to gain weight when you're pregnant. My mother did and she looked as beautiful as ever. You look just as lovely."
That was the first time the words came out of his mouth. Lovely was not a word Sejanus had ever thought Coriolanus Snow would say to him but it quickly became a habit.
Sometimes he would be drawing designs for the baby's room and Coriolanus would watch him silently, from time to time, while doing his own work, and when Sejanus's gaze would question him. It would only be hear a:
"You look lovely."
It happened also when he would lie on the couch near Coriolanus, who was always writing things down in a notebook, and the fatigue made Sejanus's head end up on his shoulder and instead of being annoyed by his closeness, Coryo, again would tell him that he was lovely.
Lovely
did not equal hot. Lovely produced tenderness. No desire, but that irrational suspicion grew, after Coriolanus caught him shirtless before Sejanus took a bath and his glaze did not shy away from looking at his body.
The same body that Sejanus hated and made him feel uncomfortable, trapped even. A body that to his horror he recognized as female-like, more than it had been in his life. He was now scared of the possibility of letting his hair grow out because of what it would do to his now ambiguous figure.
Such fear was probably just a consequence of his time in the lab. Before the mirrors broke, Sejanus noticed, with his long hair, that he looked too much like his Ma.
Same eyes, same lips, face…and pregnant. His Ma had once been pregnant. Like many women before her did. They were the only ones who usually got pregnant, not men, and Coriolanus liked women. Would he like Sejanus now that it looked like one? But that kind of nonsense remained as ridiculous thoughts floating in the air until early this morning.
There was no moaning in the night, Sejanus could sleep in peace, until, a moment before the sun fully illuminated the sky, groans were heard. A knock on the wall, he felt terrified and he had decided that they needed to talk about it, when suddenly a moan, calling his name was heard.
Sejanus. Sejanus. Sejanus.
Over and over again.
He can’t believe it.
Once Sejanus got the courage to leave his room to prepare breakfast, he noticed dark circles under Coriolanus’s eyes when he found him in the hallway. He looked tired and in his voice a bubbling annoyance was heard. An annoyance that finally bursted against the avox Ceres who was cleaning the kitchen.
Sejanus was a little startled when Coriolanus raised his voice, he apologized for losing his nerves and asked him for a breakfast in silence. No chatter as usual that day. Just the silverware echoing around the dining room.
Coriolanus left, and he made a decision.
Now, in Coriolanus's bed, Sejanus was still questioning whether he was doing the right thing while trying to strike something resembling a seductive pose. He felt stupid trying but he didn't quite know what to do waiting for Coriolanus to arrive, his experience with this kind of thing had been nil.
He was an expert, in any case, at having impossible crushes that never came to anything, and shameful fantasies in his bedroom with them. The worst part was not only that, but that Sejanus felt overly conscious of his appearance. He never considered himself to be good looking.
And with his body changing abruptly for the pregnancy, he just felt more ugly than ever. He was sure that he looked disgusting and not lovely as Coriolanus told. Sejanus silently prayed that this ridiculous plan would work and not make Coriolanus angrier.
He didn't know what he would do if Coryo rejected him and kicked him out of his room. If it turned out that he had misinterpreted what happened this morning and panic gripped at his heart. Sejanus wanted to prove to Coriolanus it wasn't a mistake to rescue him from Dr. Gaul, he couldn't go back to that horrible place nor couldn't lose his baby, but he didn't want to keep ruining Coriolanus's life either.
Sejanus really hoped he wasn't daring to cross a delicate line, and felt as if he were short of breath. He tries to get out of his head the terrible vision of Coriolanus judging him. Of him refusing to speak to Sejanus for his reckless actions and sending him back in a box to the Citadel.
The risk then did not seem worth it and Sejanus who had begun to cry, knew all his courage died there. He tried to get off the bed as quickly as possible, so he got on all fours to get to the edge of the bed. and as if fate was mocking him,
a kick
, a particularly strong one that he had to stop his escape and catch his breath.
He placed a hand on his stomach and tried to whisper to his baby, through tears that now was not a good time to announce his presence in such a way, and at that moment the door opened.
It was Coriolanus.
Sejanus wanted to die. He felt so pathetic, on all fours, practically naked in the bed of his best friend whom he had sexually frustrated and pregnant while crying. He was really putting his family name up.
Ah.
Coriolanus at first said nothing. He walked in, set his backpack on the desk chair, acted as if Sejanus wasn't in the room, and the only reason Sejanus knew he hadn't forgotten about his presence was because as he jotted something down in a notebook from time to time he would glance over at him.
Sejanus meanwhile was paralyzed. Waiting patiently for Coriolanus's verdict and wishing with all his might that this was not a mistake.
The notebook was closed. Coriolanus slowly approached him. He analyzed the scenario, with his penetrating bluish gaze and Sejanus tried to keep that image in his memory in case it was the last time he saw it.
His tears spilled over again and before Coryo said anything, he did it first:
"I'm sorry."
All Sejanus could say to his Coryo. He said it for everything, for having scratched his face, for not having listened to him, for interrupting his existence with his return from death, and Coriolanus bent down. Held Sejanus's face, forcing him to look at him, and with his face closer than it had ever been, he asked:
"Why do you apologize?"
Sejanus did not answer and asked him another question in return.
"Are you upset?"
Coriolanus said nothing. He just laughed, and gave him a smile with all his teeth before kissing Sejanus. A soft kiss. A hungry one. All at once, and then he stroked his hair, he held Sejanus by the shoulders, and helped him lie down on the bed.
Snow was then on top of him.