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Mario set off on his latest adventure.
Ever since he'd arrived in the Mushroom Kingdom, all of his adventures had surrounded either the Mushroom Kingdom or Princess Peach. But this one was different.
No Bowser, no Peach.
An alien named Tatanga had captured Princess Daisy of Sarasaland, and hypnotized all of its inhabitants into being his servants.
Being the hero that he is, (and frankly needing some air), he left the Mushroom Kingdom to go rescue Princess Daisy.
Everything was gonna be fine. Luigi was there, if Bowser tried anything, he'd stop him.
Mario was in Sarasaland for maybe five minutes when he got a phone call.
He swiped to answer the call, and held the phone up to his ear.
"HOT TOADS IN YOUR AREA!"
He hung up the call. There aren't even Toads IN Sarasaland.
He attempted to start his adventure, but his phone kept ringing and distracting him, so he finally put it on mute.
The moment that he put his phone back in his overalls, the first call came through.
Unbeknownst to Mario, Peach had called him. She left a voicemail.
"Hey Mario." Peach began, her voice a mix of emotions. "I was waiting for you to leave so I could call. I couldn't tell you in person. I'm Bowser Jr.'s mother. I got Bowser pregnant. Koopa biology and all that, announcements etc, point is, I'm going public with it. I'm officially dating Bowser. Goodbye."
But with his phone muted, Mario had no idea anything was happening.
And it only got worse from there.
As Mario platformed across palm trees, he received his next call.
"Hey bro I uh need a doctor I uh- well- you know how you told me not to fuck the paper?" He sheepishly spoke, his voice sounding odd and strained. "Yeah, well, I technically didn't FUCK the paper, I sucked Paper Luigi's dick. I have paper cuts on my mouth. Talking is pain. But now neither of us are virgins, Mario. It was worth it."
But the hero had no idea, as he happily threw Superballs at Goombos.
Mario explored a pyramid, reading hieroglyphs.
Or rather, looking at them. He couldn't read what they said.
Another voicemail. This time from Toadsworth.
"Master Mario! The Princess has LEFT Bowser now, and is having sexual relations with a robot! You know, that one that felt love up in space or whatever it was? That one! She's going off the deep end, you've gotta talk some sense into her!"
But as Mario faced down King Totomesu, he wasn't even thinking about the Mushroom Kingdom.
Mario laid out on the beach, and enjoyed a nice break.
Phone call from Luigi.
"I fucked the paper. I fucked Paper Princess Peach, Mario. I have paper cuts all over my dick, Mario. I need a doctor, Mario. Existence is agony. Please help me, Mario."
The red brother snored and dreamed of pasta, unaware of the horrors.
Mario platformed over water, narrowly avoiding falling in at several turns.
If he did, it would ruin his very water vulnerable phone, which was getting another voicemail.
"Master Mario! The Princess has somehow mothered a child from this robot! It has been HOURS, it's a ROBOT, how the FUCK DID SHE DO IT? MASTER MARIO PLEASE WHERE ARE YOU"
Mario was enjoying a nice bonus game at the end of the level.
Mario traversed the deep waters in the Marine Pop.
The green bean was back at it again.
"Mario, you're not gonna like this, but, I, uh... I fucked Bowser. The paper version. I swear, he's actually a really sensitive guy and a great father! You just, uh, have to look past all the kidnappings, and the... bad... uh... look i have paper cuts inside my ass please i need advice on what to do-"
Mario fired the last torpedo and defeated Dragonzamasu, rescuing another fake Daisy. This was somehow worse than the Toads telling him Peach was in another castle.
As Mario headed into Easton Kingdom, he received an urgent call from one of his adventuring buddies.
"Mario, it's me, Ala-Gold. Things are looking REALLY BAD here, man, I mean, the SEXPOCALYPSE is starting. So many people are fucking. We need your help. Luigi is one of them. Answer your PHONE"
It went to voicemail. Mario hopped across pits of spikes and curiously admired Moai while none the wiser.
Ala-Gold called again while Mario explored the caverns.
"Mario, it's me again, we went to the Star Carnival hoping to find some of the partygoers that could maybe help us, but MC Ballyhoo is just fucking all of the Piantas on stage. I mean all of them. Literally every Pianta. It's insane. Buck and I barely made it out with our lives. If we don't get backup, we're going to have to evacuate."
The plumber accidentally ran through a waterfall, comedically shaking off the water and ringing out his hat.
While Mario fought Hiyoihoi, he got a voicemail from a different villain.
"Hey, Mario, it's Bowser, this, uh, isn't about go karting, I just, uh... Gah, I hate this, but... I kinda... need your help?..." He growled out, clearly displeased about asking his enemy for help. "There's... a whole crowd of people outside my castle, demanding I put on this stupid crown, calling me "Mommy", and demanding I step on them. It's stupid. They won't leave! I would call my army on them, but my army is kinda... part of the mob... they're... they're breaking down the door as I speak." He said, and with comedic timing, the sound of banging on a door could then be heard. "This is time sensitive, Mario, I need you to be super and get here like RIGHT NOW-" Then wood being destroyed is heard in the background. "OH SHIT OH GOD THEY MADE IT IN-"
Mario was REALLY sick of the Daisy fake outs.
Bamboo forest.
Bamboo is green.
You know what time it is.
"It's-a me. Luigi. I... I don't know what to say... my dick is in shreds... I... I fucked more paper... B-but can you blame me?! It was PAPER ROSALINA! ROSALINA IS BIG SPACE MOMMY, OF COURSE I HAD TO HAVE THE PAPER VERSION!... at least... it was supposed to be... i-it was actually King Boo in disguise... he laughed at me afterwards and said my dick looked like it had been through a cheese grater... I think I'm dying."
The challenges were getting tougher, and Mario was losing a few lives trying to make it through. He wondered how much worse it could get.
Certainly not as bad as it is in the Mushroom Kingdom.
Mario weaved between pipes.
Bowser's caller ID appeared, but the voice in the voicemail was unfamiliar, higher pitched.
"Heyyyy Mario, I'm back with Peach! In fact, I'm gonna have a threesome with her and TEC-XX! Toodles!"
Mario jumped around a room consisting of nothing but coins, having the time of his life.
As Mario piloted his incredibly iconic and recognizable Sky Pop, the final call came through, with a panicked Bucken-Berry on the other end.
"M-M-MARIO!!! THE KINGDOMS HAVE FALLEN, ALL SOLDIERS ARE FUCKING, WE NEED TO EVACUATE BUT WE HAVE NO RIDE, ALL THE YOSHIS ARE HAVING AN ORGY! W-WE'RE TRYING TO RUN TO SARASALAND! PLEASE BE THERE!!!"
Praying could be heard, before the call ended.
Mario shot down Tatanga once and for all, and rescued the REAL Princess Daisy, saving her from being forced to marry the alien...
His quest was finally over.
The two boarded the ship, flying off into the sky together on a romantic flight...
...sort of romantic.
Not really romantic.
And peace was restored to the lands.
...except the Mushroom Kingdom, that place is fucked.