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The numbers and letters make no sense. It’s like trying to read something in a foreign language. No, even worse, because Eddie’s bilingual and that isn’t even helping him understand this Algebra. How the Hell is he supposed to help Christopher when he enters high school next year when Algebra has him confused?
“Dad, we need to talk.”
“What’s that, mijo?” Eddie looks up and sees Christopher standing by the doorway with a stubborn expression on his face.
“I said that we need to talk,” Christopher says, making a face like he’s disappointed in Eddie. Unfortunately, that’s an expression he’s starting to see more often now that Christopher has entered his teen years.
“Alright.” Eddie closes the math book and focuses his attention on his son. “What do you want to talk about?”
“I don’t need a mom,” Christopher says bluntly, the words taking Eddie by surprise. “I already had a mom.”
“Uh,” Eddie stammers because what is he supposed to say to that? “You’ve got to help me out here, Christopher. What are you talking about?”
Christopher’s sigh is deep and weary, something that would normally make Eddie smile because of the melodramatic nature, but he isn’t able to smile right now. “I heard Carla telling you that you should date again, but she’s wrong about you needing to date women. I don’t need a new mom.”
“Oh,” Eddie says, making a face. “Carla is just trying to be helpful. I’m not planning to date again, though. Not unless I meet someone that I want to ask out.” And that isn’t likely to happen when his heart is already taken.
“We don’t need anyone else, Dad,” Christopher says, his crutches clanging against the table as he moves the chair. “Dating doesn’t make you happy. I really liked Ms. Flores, but I know you didn’t have fun with her. You never smiled that much, and you weren’t upset when she stopped coming around.”
“Christopher, I appreciate you talking to me about this like an adult, but relationships are complicated,” Eddie says carefully. He loves that his son trusts him enough to be honest, but he doesn’t want to talk about his failed love life with his thirteen year old.
“No kidding,” Christopher says, rolling his eyes. “Dating is tough, but it shouldn’t be.” He smiles wryly. “I never told you, but I’m glad Marisol didn’t move in. She was fine as a babysitter, but I didn’t want her to live here or be my mom.”
Eddie sighs, running a hand over his face. “I’m sorry, mijo,” he says honestly. “Dads can make mistakes, and that’s one of mine. I was trying to force something that wasn’t there. You might not understand now, but you will when you’re older.”
“I’m not a little kid anymore,” Christopher whines, his tone completely undermining his point. “I just want you to be happy, Dad. I don’t need a mom, and I don’t need some woman around trying to be friendly to me because she thinks it’ll get her brownie points. That’s what Ethan calls it.”
“Okay,” Eddie agrees. “If I decide to date someone else, I’ll make sure they don’t do that then. Ethan, uh, knows about this?”
“Yeah, of course. My friends get annoyed by how much I talk about you sometimes,” Christopher admits. “But they helped me figure out how to tell you what I want to tell you, so you need to let me finish talking.”
“You haven’t already said enough?” Eddie mutters, feeling a bit awkward at the idea of Christopher’s friends knowing about his failed dating life and his son’s apparent dislike of his last girlfriend.
“Nope,” Christopher says with a grin. “Do you know that Theo has two dads? They’re really nice. I’ve been over playing video games with him, and his dads will make dinner, and that’s how I knew why you’re so lonely.”
“I didn’t know that, but I’m glad they’re nice,” Eddie says slowly, trying to put the pieces together to understand what Christopher is saying.
“Dad, I don’t need a mom because we already have Buck,” Christopher says bluntly, staring at him in a way that makes Eddie feel nervous. Jesus, he can’t be anxious about his thirteen year old discovering his most hidden secret.
“It isn’t the same, Christopher,” Eddie says, moving his hand to his thigh when he realizes he’s moving his heel up and down. “Buck’s my best—” He can’t say it because Buck is so much more than just his best friend, and he promised not to lie to Christopher. “He’s Buck.”
“Our Buck,” Christopher says firmly. “Penny said that you date women because of, uh. Just a second.” He pulls his phone out and opens his Notes app. “Compulsory heterosexuality. You think you have to date a woman and find a mom for me even though you really want Buck and he’s basically my other dad.”
The curse words that Eddie says in Spanish seem to go over Christopher’s head, thank God. He tilts his head back and looks at the ceiling. “Penny is obviously reading things that are not necessarily appropriate for a kid her age,” he says finally. Looking back at Christopher, he sighs. “Buck and I aren’t that way, mijo.”
“Because you won’t let him,” Christopher says, his tone frustrated. “He loves you, Dad. He loves me, too. He’s never been friendly to me just because of brownie points, and he makes you smile and laugh and you cook together, like Ethan’s dads, and you look at him when he’s watching movies or playing video games and it is in that way because even Penny’s noticed. You’re being such a stupid butthead.”
“Christopher, I’m still your father,” Eddie warns. “I understand that you’ve worked yourself up and gotten frustrated, but you need to work on better ways to deal with that because you can’t just lash out.”
“Sorry, Dad,” he mumbles. “I just want you to be happy, and Buck makes you so happy, and you make him happy, and you should apologize for whatever broke you up years ago because you need each other.”
“It’s okay,” Eddie says, then he suddenly stops breathing for a moment. “Wait. What do you mean broke us up?”
Christopher looks up at him and frowns. “I’m not stupid, Dad,” he says, his tone exasperated this time. It’s like turning thirteen jump started some of the worst emotions that people have to deal with, and Eddie’s now stuck having to adjust to his amazing kid being an ass sometimes. “When we first moved here, you and Buck were dating. I know why you didn’t tell me, because of Mom, but I figured it out and then he was gone and then he came back only you didn’t date him anymore. You decided to date Ms. Flores instead, which was dumb because Buck is so cool and Trina thinks he’s hot, which is gross, but that matters for dating so it’s actually a good thing.”
“Is there anything you haven’t shared with your friends?” Eddie asks, rubbing his temples because he can feel a headache coming on. A big one.
“Uh, not much? We tell each other everything,” Christopher says, looking adorably confused at the idea of keeping anything private. Jesus, his kid is brilliant, but, right now, he wishes he wasn’t so great.
“Buck and I have never dated each other,” Eddie tells him, needing him to listen and understand. The last thing he needs is Christopher sharing this theory with Denny, who would tell his moms, or, even worse, sharing it with Buck. “I know that romance and sex are all over television and in the world, but people can have deep emotional connections with other people without it being romantic. Platonic relationships are just as important as other kinds.”
“Duh,” Christopher says, rolling his eyes again. “I don’t want to hold Ethan’s hand, but I want to hold Penny’s. I understand all that, Dad.” He looks at Eddie and frowns. “But you don’t look at Buck like you just want to be his friend. You look at him like you want to kiss him. I know that you wouldn’t lie to me, but why didn’t you ever date Buck? My friends and I talked about it, and we really thought you had.”
Because I’ve repressed a large part of myself for years and only recently began to change that. Because I had to learn about myself and my sexuality before it was even a thought. Because I didn’t even know he was even an option. Because he’s such an intricate part of my life that I’m scared to death to risk losing him. Because he’s never once indicated he sees me romantically.
The answers flash through his mind, and he knows he can’t share those with Christopher. His son might be growing up, might be approaching this entire conversation very maturely, but he’s still a kid. Eddie finally just shrugs. “Because it’s never happened like that for us.”
It’s an age appropriate answer, and it’s true. Eddie decides that he isn’t going to think about the regret he hears in his own voice. That way lies madness, as the saying goes.
“Does that mean you would date him if you had the chance?” Christopher asks, his eyes practically sparkling as he leans forward on the table. “If he asked you out, would you say yes?”
“He won’t so there’s no point in considering it,” Eddie says, pushing his chair back. “I love you, mijo, but I think it’s time to make dinner. I promise that I won’t continue trying to find you a mom, okay?”
Christopher looks up from where he’s texting on his phone and nods. “Okay,” he says, standing up and getting his crutches. “You know that you don’t have to be scared, don’t you, Dad? Buck loves you, too. I’m going to go play video games while you cook.”
Eddie watches him walk away, blinking when his eyes sting. Christopher is growing up too fast, and he wishes he could just stop time for a while so he could enjoy having these moments with his son. Even the awkward ones where he’s called out on his feelings for Buck and heterowhatever.
The sound of the front door opening pulls Eddie out of his feelings. He looks at the door and sees Buck walking inside, dripping with water as he closes the door. Right. It’s still raining. Buck looks up and meets his gaze, grinning as he takes off his hoodie.
“Sorry, Eddie. It’s pouring out there,” he says, pulling the wet fabric over his head. The action causes his shirt to raise, flashing Eddie with a strip of bare skin and blond hair leading into the waistband of his jeans.
“Why did you get out in this weather, Buck?” Eddie asks, digging his fingernails into his palms to keep himself from walking over and touching.
Buck looks surprised at the question. “You texted me earlier about coming over for dinner and a movie,” he says, tilting his head slightly. “I wasn’t going to let a little rain get in the way of that.”
Eddie blinks at him then reaches for his phone. Sure enough, there’s a text from three o’clock to Buck asking him to come over tonight. Christopher must have sent it, he realizes, which means his son knew Buck was coming over tonight before he dropped the bombshells.
“Uh, is everything okay?” Buck asks, taking off his boots before he walks towards the table. “You’re acting strange, Eds.”
“It’s been an odd evening,” Eddie says, looking up. He stares into those pretty blue eyes and sighs. “Christopher told me that he doesn’t want another mom, and he basically said that I’m a clueless idiot, and he and his friends have discussed it, and I need to stop dating random women to be happy.”
“Wow,” Buck says, whistling low. “That’s a lot to unpack. How are you holding up? Do you want me to talk to him?”
“I’m reeling a bit,” Eddie admits. “He's growing up too fast, and I’m not ready for that. He even had notes, Buck. Like points and everything.”
“He gets that from me,” Buck teases. “You know how I can go down a good Wikipedia hole when I want to.” He ducks his head, and there’s a moment where all Eddie can hear is the sound of his own heartbeat. Then Buck looks up and it feels like there isn’t enough oxygen in the room. “So, uh, did he have many good points?”
“Yeah,” Eddie murmurs, his mouth suddenly dry. He clears his throat. “I moved too fast with Marisol, which I know now, and he’s glad she didn’t move in. I wasn’t happy with either of the women that I’ve dated since Shannon died. He wants me to be happy and thinks he knows what—no, who—makes me happy, and he approves.”
Buck tenses, and Eddie watches him stretch his fingers out before curling them into his hand. “You’re, uh, I didn’t know you were, um, seeing anyone. I’m glad, Eddie. You deserve all the happiness in the world. And she must be special if Christopher approves.”
“Incredibly special,” Eddie whispers, feeling a burst of courage because Buck’s reaction gives him hope. Maybe Christopher isn’t wrong about Buck loving him, after all. “Funny, smart, caring, beautiful, brave, loyal…just so much love to give, and a smile that rivals the sun. Strong and capable, calm under pressure, loves my son like he’s the best kid in the world.”
“Damn, sounds fucking perfect,” Buck says, his shoulders slumping forward. “Christopher is the best kid in the world, though, so I’m not sure that should count.” Buck meets his gaze and smiles, but it isn’t a real smile. Eddie can recognize the mask now that he’s paying attention. “Sounds like you’ve in love, Eds. You never talked about Ana or Marisol like that.”
“You know what? I think I am, Buck,” Eddie admits, taking a step closer to Buck. “I think my son is a damn genius because he’s made me realize something that I’ve tried to ignore for longer than I care to admit. And that taking a risk doesn’t have to be scary. Sometimes, it’s what we have to do in order to move forward.”
“I’m glad for you, Eddie,” Buck says, the break in his words making Eddie’s heart hurt because the dumbass is missing the entire point. And he thought he was oblivious. Nah, there’s gotta be a picture of Buck beside the word in the dictionary because he’s not listening. “Do I ever get to meet this perfect woman?”
“You want to meet the person that I’m in love with, Buck?” Eddie asks, feeling more confident because Buck wears his damn heart on his sleeve, and he knows to look this time. He can see it so clearly that he can’t help feeling just as stupid as Christopher accused him of being.
“Yeah, I probably should,” Buck says, staring into Eddie’s eyes. “If she’s going to be around a lot, I’ll understand if I need to make myself scarce.” Buck grimaces. “Damn, that’s why you invited me for dinner, isn’t it? You needed to tell me that you’re going to date someone you love and I need to stop coming over without calling.”
“You really do jump to conclusions,” Eddie points out, unable to keep his fondness for Buck out of his tone. “Come on. Let’s meet the love of my life. I’m looking forward to introducing you.”
“Oh God. She’s here?” Buck hisses, slapping Eddie’s hand away when he reaches for his arm. “Stop that. I can’t do this, Eddie. I thought I could, but I need time to process before I can deal with this.”
“Buck, would you just turn around?” Eddie asks, watching the emotions flashing over Buck’s face. “Please. You’ll understand more if you do.” He gulps because he’s scared right now but also oddly excited. “Trust me, Evan.”
Buck closes his eyes then nods. “I trust you with my life, Eds,” he whispers before he opens his eyes and guts his chin stubbornly. He turns around, and Eddie watches his face in the mirror, sees the surprise, the way Buck’s eyes widen, the confusion, his lips pursing as he stares at his own reflection with Eddie beside him. Then he sees the realization, the way Buck’s cheeks flush pink and his eyes become glassy. When he finally speaks, his voice is husky with emotion. “You’re an asshole.”
“I told you that you jump to conclusions,” Eddie whispers, meeting Buck’s gaze in the mirror. “Is this okay? Are we okay?”
“Do you mean it?” Buck asks quietly. He turns to face Eddie, staring at him like he’s just as scared and excited as Eddie is about this. “It’s me? You’re really choosing me?”
“It’s always been you, Buck,” he says, raising his hand and putting his palm against Buck’s cheek. “I’m sorry that it’s taken me so long to admit it. I was scared and didn’t want to lose you.”
“You’ll never lose me, Eddie,” Buck says firmly, and Eddie believes him. “I’m sorry that I never said anything, either. I realized months ago, and I could have, especially when you told me that you’re demisexual and gay, but I was scared, too.”
“So much for being brave firefighters, huh?” Eddie smiles slightly when Buck huffs out a laugh. “I love you, Buck. I want to marry you one day, buy a house, get a dog, have a couple of kids that we can spoil rotten, and continue to raise Christopher with you. I’m all in, you’ve got my heart, and you’ve got me.”
“And you say you’re not good with words or being romantic,” Buck says, blinking at him. “I’m all in, too, Eddie. You’re it for me.”
“Can I kiss you?” Eddie asks, watching Buck slowly smile, bright and happy. He nods before leaning down as Eddie leans up. Buck’s lips are soft, full, and they fit perfectly against Eddie’s mouth. He reaches up to grip the back of Buck’s neck, feels fingers on his jaw, the kiss gradually changing from chaste to something more.
When Buck drags his tongue along the seam of Eddie’s mouth, he parts his lips, tightening his grip on Buck’s neck as the kiss deepens. Soon, he’s licking into Buck’s mouth, their tongues tasting and touching and the kiss becomes another and another until Eddie’s got his legs wrapped around Buck’s waist, his back against the wall, his fingers tangled into soft blond curls still damp from the storm outside.
Eventually, they have to come up for air. Buck looks beautiful like this, face flushed and lips swollen, blue eyes shining with happiness. “You’re beautiful,” Eddie breathes out, not even a whisper so much as a confession.
Buck laughs, his smile lighting up his face as he gently caresses Eddie’s face. “Back at ya, baby,” he says, his eyebrow arching when Eddie actually shudders at the ridiculous pet name. Buck looks curious and intrigued. “You liked that, didn’t you?”
“Shut up,” he mutters, carefully unwrapping his legs from Buck’s waist and standing up. “Don’t look so smug, Buck.”
“Oh, I am smug, though,” Buck says, leaning down so his forehead is resting against Eddie’s. “I’ve got the hottest partner in the world, and he likes it when I call him baby.”
“Can’t be the hottest when you exist,” Eddie says, angling his face and stealing another kiss.
He’s always been somewhat indifferent to kissing, but kissing Buck is unlike anything. It’s hot and sweet and gentle and just a little rough, and Eddie knows he could spend hours just kissing and making out like they’re back in high school. Maybe later they can do that, just lay in his bed and learn about each other in this way.
“I need to make dinner,” Eddie says, rubbing his nose against Buck’s. “Christopher will come out of his video game fugue eventually, and he’ll want to eat.”
“I’ll help,” Buck offers. “Are we—what are we telling him? About us? There is an us now, isn’t there?”
Eddie pulls Buck into a hug, pressing a kiss against his neck. “Yes, there’s an us, Buck. I practically proposed, so I’m not sure why you have any doubts,” he says. “And we’ll tell him the truth. We both finally got our heads out of our asses and realized what we’ve been looking for has been right here in front of us all along.”
“I just wanted to make sure since the kissing sort of scrambled my brain, and I don’t want to make any assumptions,” Buck says, pressing a quick kiss against his lips. “I can’t believe that I can actually do that now. Kissing you when I want to, touching you. We should start dinner, though, before I give in to the urge to just spend an hour or two kissing you.”
“Well, you know, we could always just order pizza,” Eddie says, smiling as he leans up for another kiss, catching Buck’s laugh with his mouth.
They stumble down the hallway as he leads Buck to his bedroom, kissing the entire way. Eddie is so happy that he doesn’t even care that Christopher is going to probably gloat and say I told you so. It’s a small price to pay to finally have Buck in his arms, where he belongs.