Chapter Text
Roy was getting ready for 4am training, he'd gotten Jamie's text and responded with a simple fuck no to his request of staring training an hour or two later. When he told the prick to go out with the lads he knew the idiot would get wasted and part of him was excited to watch him puke his guts out during the vigorous workout routine he had planned for him that morning. Just the thought of it made him smile. As he pulled on his headlamp, his phone started ringing but Roy ignored it, figuring it was just Jamie trying to get out of training again. He was going to have to remind him why the fuck they were doing this, so Jamie could be the best. The annoying thing was, he really believed Jamie had it in him to be the best, he had a natural, raw kind of talent that was infuriating but despite the cocky attitude the lad put on, he was insecure, especially when someone like Zava was around. Roy knew one day Jamie would be the best of the best, he would outgrow his coaching and Richmond as a club and though he would never admit it out loud, he wanted to be part of that. He wanted to be part of Jamie Tartt's story. The phone rang again but this time he actually looked at the device since he was almost ready to go and figured getting to tease him a little would be fun but seeing all the missed calls he just knew something was wrong, he could feel it. He had missed calls and texts from everyone on the fucking team, everyone except Jamie which was weird since the lad blew up his phone every second of every day since they started dating. Fucking McAdoo, Obisanya.. Bumbercatch, Hughes, Cockburn.. they'd all tried calling him but the last thing he got from Jamie was the text about pushing training a few hours and he couldn’t shake that bad fucking feeling making itself at home in the pit of his stomach.
Even with the bad feeling he still headed out to his car, ready to drive to Jamie's. On the way to the G wagon, he tried calling a few of the lads back but none of them picked up. It was only when he called Isaac that someone actually answered on the first ring. Good lad. He could immediately tell he was right to think something was wrong just by the sound of the breathing he was met with on the other end of the phone but nothing could have prepared him for what was about to come.
"It's Jamie.."
Those words stopped him in his tracks. Jamie. Something happened to Jamie. He let every scenario run through his mind.. was he sick? Did he get too drunk? Did he break his fucking leg? Roy growled at the thought of him breaking a bone. After all the hard work they'd put in over the last few months to make sure he was at the top of his game he goes and fucks it up. Typical fucking Tartt.
"What the fuck happened? Is he okay, please tell me he didn't break a fucking leg or something?"
He was met with silence so he assumed he was right and Isaac just didn't want to confirm it, not wanting to take the brunt of Roy's anger which was smart. The little idiot had probably gone and made a stupid fucking bet with one of the lads and hurt himself trying to show off like the little prick he was and Isaac being the captain decided it was his responsibility to call Roy and tell him the news.
"I'm going to fucking kill him." He growled. "What hospital is he—"
"Don't fucking joke about that, bruv."
The seriousness in Isaac's voice had his eyebrows pinching in confusion. He had threatened to kill Jamie a million and one times over the three years they'd known each other and back in the day he meant it, well he meant it more than he did now. When he said it now, it was a stupid fucking joke. Jamie knew that, the lads knew that so why the fuck was Isaac being weird about it?
"He's gone, Roy. He's— fucking, he's..” Isaac took a shaky breath and Roy could almost hear him puff his chest out before continuing. “Jamie's dead."
He felt like the wind had been knocked out of him. Dead? Jamie couldn't be dead. That wasn't true, it couldn't be true. He was going to get to Jamie's house and the prick would be dragging his arse out the front door ready for training like he always did. Laughing about how Roy fell for their stupid fucking joke. He was only twenty six years old, there was no way the world was rid of Jamie Tartt. It wasn't his time. It wasn't fucking true and he was furious that they would joke around about something like that. It wasn't fucking funny and he was going to make sure they all knew that at training later that day.
He growled into the phone, not saying anything else before hanging up and pulling his seatbelt on so he could prove it wrong. He was going to get to Jamie's house and force him through the worst workout routine he could come up with.. one so bad Jamie would wish he was dead. Roy drove the short distance to Jamie's house seething, his hand clenching the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles turned white. Finally arriving he parked in the driveway before heading up to house. Usually they came face to face just as Roy was about to raise his fist to knock but not this time so he started knocking as hard as he could, like he did the first time he showed up but with each passing second he started to panic a little more because he wasn't answering. Jamie always fucking answered.
"Tartt! Get your arse down here or I'll double every fucking thing in all three of your workouts for the next six months!"
Jamie’s dead
“I know you’re in there you muppet, just come open the fucking door!”
Jamie’s dead
“Jamie, please! Please open the door!”
Jamie’s dead
The minutes ticked by and Roy was now screaming into the silent street, pounding on the door so hard that his hands were in agony and the poor neighbours had started to emerge to see what the fuck was going on but Roy paid them no mind, instead he stormed back to his car, slamming the door shut. He hadn't realised how unsteady his breathing was— he was panting while trying to catch his breath, his eyes stinging from the unshed tears. Roy picked his phone up with the intention of calling Jamie, if he wasn't at home he must be staying with one of the lads, right? Sam.. or Dani but even that didn’t feel right, he was supposed to come home to Roy now that they basically lived together, they had been since they’d started seeing each other and if he was embarrassed about how much he drank he would have gone to his own house, knowing Roy would show up in the morning for training. Finding Jamie’s contact in his favourites, he clicked on prince of all pricks and waited as it rang, his fingers lightly tapping on the steering wheel as he waited for Jamie to answer but he didn’t. That phone was practically glued to his hand, he always fucking answered Roy so he pressed the contact again.. and again.. and again until he couldn’t bring himself to do it anymore.
When the screen came to life with an incoming call, he let himself hope.. until he saw it was his sister and his heart sank. In that moment, he knew. She was working at the hospital that morning and if Jamie really was.. gone, she would know. Pressing the answer button, he held the device to his ear, his hand shaking as he waited for her to say something, still allowing himself to believe that maybe this was unrelated to whatever was going on with Jamie.
"I'm so sorry, Roy."
"So it's true? He's— he.."
Roy couldn't finish his sentence and she didn't say anything else either but she didn't have to. They just sat there in silence, the only indication that neither of them had hung up was the sounds of their breathing. Roy knew what she was doing, right now she was in doctor mode, not sister mode.. giving him time to process the loss for a minute but he couldn't process it. He didn't want to process it. After a few tense moments she let out a quiet 'yes, Jamie's dead', so quiet he almost missed it. Hearing it from his sister was different to hearing it from Isaac. It wasn't that he didn't trust the lads, he just knew his sister wouldn't tell him something like that unless she knew for sure it was true. Roy still didn't say anything, it was hard to comprehend. Jamie Tartt was gone. What did a world without him even look like? Somehow in the past three years Jamie had wormed himself into Roy's life.. his heart and he couldn't imagine never seeing him again. Never hearing his voice. Never kissing him or holding him again. It didn't feel real. He didn't want it to be real.
"Roy, the police are here and they need someone to make an identification.. I don't know if they've even called Georgie and Simon yet."
"Police?" Roy repeated. "Why the fuck are police there?"
The only reason he could think of for police presence at the hospital was if whatever happened to Jamie was a crime. If someone had hurt him on purpose. He growled at the thought, he couldn't fathom the idea of anyone wanting to hurt him to the point of him no longer being here.
Jamie Tartt is a muppet and I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch.
Roy cleared his throat, trying not to think about the fact he’d once wished him dead on TV. He didn’t mean it, right? Had Jamie known that? He wasn’t sure he did and now he’d never get to tell him.
Shaking the thoughts from his head, Roy ran his sisters words over instead and the idea of seeing Jamie's body made him feel sick. He had only ever seen one dead body in his life (that wasn't on one of those crime shows that the yoga mums watched) and that was when he was a kid, when his mum died. He didn't really remember it but he remembered how he felt and it was the same feeling as when he found out his grandad died.. and now Jamie. One of his players. His best friend. His boyfriend. Someone who shouldn't be on that fucking list of people.
"I'll do it. The identification, I’ll do it."
"Roy you don't— it can wait."
He growled, scrubbing his hand over his face. He didn't want to do it, no sane person would want to fucking identify the dead body of someone they love but he felt like he owed it to Jamie and he wanted to do it for Georgie. He didn't want her to have to face it if she didn't want to and he wasn't sure any of the lads or other coaches would be in any state to do it.
It has to be me. It can't be anyone else.
Fuck.
Roy probably shouldn't have been driving, he had no idea how he managed to get from Jamie's house to the hospital.. it was almost like he was in a trance. He'd text his sister that he was there and she made sure everything was in place. One of her colleagues took him and the police officer down to the hospital mortuary, they were talking among themselves but he wasn't really listening. A shiver ran through his body as they stepped inside. It was cold. Jamie fucking hated the cold. He would absolutely fucking hate being there. Closing his eyes tightly, Roy took a deep breath, nodding his head to signal he was ready before the sheet was pulled back and for the second time that morning the wind was knocked out of him. It looked like his Jamie but he was so fucking still it was weird. The Jamie he knew was full of energy, constantly in motion, unable to stop moving for even a second. It drove him crazy but now seeing him like this, he wanted nothing more than to see him bouncing on his feet, following him around. All he could do was nod his confirmation that the body was that of twenty six year old Jamie Tartt. He couldn't pull his eyes away, it looked like he was sleeping and though it was ridiculous, he kept expecting Jamie to bolt upright, giving him one of those famous Tartt smirks he used to want to wipe off his face but would now give anything to see just one last time.
He had to be physically forced out of the room, he wanted to stay with Jamie. He knew once he left that would be it, he'd never get to see him again and the image of his lifeless body would be seared into his memory for the rest of his life. He wouldn’t get to enjoy the memories of random moments spent together because him lying there, unresponsive, unmoving would be the thing he thought of when his mind wandered to memories of Jamie Tartt.
His sister didn't want him to drive home to an empty house so she ordered him to wait in the hospital reception until she was finished her shift. He didn't have much fight left in him so he went without complaint. He wasn't expecting to see anyone he knew so when he spotted Dani Rojas sitting on his own, his gaze focused on the ground while mumbling something that Roy guessed was a prayer, over and over again in Spanish, he was surprised. The police officer had mentioned the lads that were with Jamie at the time were all down at the police station so he figured Dani would be there too. Part of him wanted to turn around and head out the way he came in but he was for some reason a person these lads looked up to. He wasn't about to walk out and leave one of them alone.
"Shouldn't you be at the police station?"
Dani looked up at him and fuck, he hadn't seen a look like that on his face since he recounted the Earl incident after Roy became a coach. No, this look was even worse than that and he couldn't imagine what he had been through that night. Roy was fucking devastated and he hadn't even been there when it happened. Hadn’t witnessed what happened like most of the players had.
"Wanted to stay with Jamie, coach."
His words were flat, stuttering on Jamie's name which caused his heart to clench. He knew he was supposed to offer words of comfort. If he couldn't offer one of them comfort at a time like this, how was he going to deal with having a whole fucking team of devastated lads looking to him for guidance? It was selfish but he couldn't even think about comforting them, he couldn't think past leaving Jamie behind in the hospital.
"It is my fault, coach.. it was supposed to be me not Jamie."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
He stared at Dani as he explained everything from the moment the car headed for him, Jamie pushing him out of the way to his friend laying on the road hurt and scared, taking his last breath. He could barely hold himself together hearing about the car hitting Jamie, how he'd seemed so fucking scared but couldn't say anything.. how the car drove off without checking on the person they fucking hit. He didn't know what to say. Roy had a feeling Dani wasn't going to believe him when he said it wasn't his fault. He wasn’t good with words, he didn't know how to fucking comfort people but he did notice Dani was cradling his arm, protecting it. Rather than going into friend mode, he decided to go into coach mode. He could do that.. he knew how to do that. He had to be able to do that.
"Rojas, I want you to get that arm seen to, I'm going to call someone to come be with you and then I want you to go home and get some fucking rest."
Rojas looked like he was about to protest but Roy didn't give him the chance.
"It's not your fucking— it’s not your fault. Jamie wouldn't want you to stay here hurt, he tried to stop you from getting hurt, right? So do it for him."
Roy placed his hand on Dani's shoulder, giving it a gentle squeeze, it was really all he had to offer in terms of comfort. Once he finally got a nod of confirmation he'd do what Roy said, he got up from the chair as quickly as his knee would allow and headed over to talk to his sister. He explained the whole situation. Well, about Dani needing his arm looking over and she quickly agreed to do it. Though he knew what happened wasn't Dani's fault, part of him was angry at the situation. If Jamie hadn't pushed Dani out of the way, he would be standing there with him right now.. but one of his best friends wouldn't be. He knew that probably weighed heavy on Dani's heart. Yes, he got lucky physically but emotionally, was he ever going to recover from this?
Were any of them?
By the time he looked back over at his player, his sister was leading him towards one of the treatment rooms and Roy decided to take that moment to make the call he'd been avoiding.. well, one of the two calls. He headed outside, pulling out his phone, shaky hands finding the contact he was looking for, quickly pressing it before he could change his mind.
"Roy! Where is everyone? Beard and I just got here and it's emptier than a—"
"Jamie's dead."
He hadn't meant to blurt it out like that, flinching at his own words since it was the first time he’d said them out loud but he'd known Ted long enough now to know he was going to ramble and he couldn't wait for him to finish. He had to get it out as soon as possible and now that he had, he was met with silence on the other end of the line. He imagined Ted standing there in his office, probably looking over at Jamie's cubby with his hands shoved deep in his pockets, trying to control an oncoming panic attack. Beard's voice was audible in the background, asking what was happening though that was the last of the conversation he caught before the phone changed hands and suddenly he was talking to the assistant coach, explaing what little information he knew. A car went for Dani, Jamie pushed him out of the way and now he was lying on a cold fucking slab in the mortuary, how many times was he going to have to repeat that? The manager and assistant coach agreed to deal with the rest of the lads since Roy had to go home, he wanted to call Georgie and Simon to let them know his home was open to them for as long as they wanted or needed it, he also had to make what he was sure would be a devastating phone call to Keeley. Though she and Jamie were exes, they’d always had a good friendship, in fact he was pretty sure she was the only person Jamie listened to, especially during his prick days. He knew that their relationship was platonic now but he also knew this was going to wreck her and he couldn’t make that phone call now so he put his phone back in his pocket and headed back inside the hospital.
Roy waited with Dani until Ted arrived, Beard was apparently down at the police station with the rest of the lads while they gave their statements. Knowing Dani was in someone else's care, he felt less guilty leaving him at the hospital while he headed out with his sister. The ride back to her house was silent, neither of them knowing what to say. Jamie had become a member of the Kent-O'Sullivan family.. even though she had no idea he and Jamie were together, he was always there for every occasion whether it was uncles day, a birthday or some weird fucking holiday like Perchtenlaufen, the German holiday where people dress up as evil spirits and roam the streets in order to scare winter away.. and unlike Roy he indulged Phoebe in every single stupid one of them, dressing up when required, bringing gifts when needed. It was fucking weird but it made Phoebe happy. She started calling him 'uncle Jamie' for fuck sake. His eyes squeezed shut when he realised. Phoebe. They were going to have to tell her and soon. News about premier league footballers never stayed quiet for long and that was only stupid shit like cheating or injuries. Someone was going to leak this, probably sooner than they'd like and she deserved to hear it from him, not some random kid at school or the TV.
Arriving at his sisters, Roy got out of the car, only just now realising it was light outside. He could hear the kids on the street happily chatting away as they walked to school.. like nothing was wrong because in their world nothing was wrong. Standing there staring up at the sky, he found himself feeling jealous of fucking eight year olds. He wished Phoebe could be one of those kids this news wasn't going affect but he knew she was going to be fucking devastated, he knew this was going to be one of the moments that changed her life forever.. it was going to change all of their lives and he hated that. Hearing the door open, he was pulled from his thoughts as Phoebe came bouncing towards him, dressed for school with only half her hair done.
"Uncle Roy!" She flung herself at him, arms wrapping tightly around his middle. "What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be at training?"
He grunted at the force of her body but he didn't remind her to be gentle, he needed that fucking hug as much as she did and he wanted to see that bright smile she was looking up at him with on her face for as long as possible. Soon all interest was lost on him and instead focused on her mum who she asked a million questions. Why are you home? Why do you and uncle Roy look sad? Are you going to take me to school? She was a perceptive kid, sometimes he loved that about her but right now he hated it because it meant they had to tell her. She knew something was wrong and wouldn't stop asking until she found out the truth. He held out his hand for her to take while his sister dealt with the sitter who was supposed to watch her until she finished her shift at the hospital. Phoebe was asking if he could finished her hair but he couldn't answer any questions she was asking, he just lead her to the kitchen and sat her down at the table before turning to make tea. He had to do something with his hands. Had to keep them busy.
By the time his sister came back there were two cups of tea and a hot chocolate sitting at the table. He shot her a glance, silently questioning if they should go ahead and tell her now, selfishly he wasn't ready but it didn't matter, this wasn't about him.. this was about Phoebe and making sure she understood what was going on before hearing it all from someone else, someone who had no business telling her.
"Phee, you're not going to school today love, uncle Roy and I have something to tell you and it's really upsetting so whatever feelings you have about it are okay."
Roy knew he was going to be the one to actually tell her about Jamie. He was the one who spent every day with him.. she would be more willing to believe it coming from her uncle so he took a deep breath, watching as her face already morphed into concern. He didn't want her to have to deal with losing someone she loves this young. Sure she'd already lost family members but she was only a baby when that happened. With this, she was going to understand what happened, she was going to see the media and feel the loss of someone she saw as family— who was family.
"Phoebe, something happened to Jamie."
Her head whipped around to look at him and the look on her face already shattered his heart into a million pieces. God he hated that he had to fucking do this.
"He's okay though?" She asked. "Can we go see him? I can make him a card and we can get him a present and—"
"We can't do that, he's fu— he's gone." He saw the look his sister was giving him out of the corner of his eye and he knew he had to say the words so she knew that he wasn't ever coming back because apparently that was something you had to do with kids. "He was in an accident and he died, Phoebe. Jamie's dead."
He wasn't sure what he was expecting her reaction to be— sadness probably but that wasn't exactly how things were going. Phoebe was angry and not just at the fact Jamie was dead but at Roy for telling her, at her mum for confirming it. She screamed that they were both liars, that she wanted to go see Jamie now.. she was having a proper meltdown, one he hadn't seen from her in years. Her voice was going hoarse as she told them she hated them for making up lies. The tears were running down her flushed cheeks and all he wanted to do was pull her into a hug but she wouldn't let him. By the time she stormed up to her room she was sobbing her little heart out and fuck.. he'd fucked it. He didn't know how else he was supposed to tell her but by her reaction he knew he'd fucked it. The sound of her bedroom door slamming shut made him flinch. He understood her desire to be alone. Right now all he wanted was to go back to his house and pretend like none of this ever happened, that Jamie was going to walk through the door any second but he couldn't do that, there was still so fucking much he had to do.
After checking in on Phoebe and being given a hug but also being told she wanted to be alone, Roy found himself in the sitting room, his phone in hand. He had to call Keeley and he still wanted to check in on Georgie and Simon but he couldn't bring himself to press any of their contacts. He could already hear the pain in Georgie's voice. She loved her son so fucking much, he'd seen it first hand. At first he'd thought it was weird how close they were but really it just wasn't something Roy had ever experienced. His family weren't like that. He couldn't remember the last time he'd been shown affection by his parents but after meeting James Tartt, Roy was glad Jamie had a parent like Georgie in his life. He deserved that. He also wanted to call Keeley. How the fuck was he supposed to tell her that her ex boyfriend, one of her closest friends was dead? Even the thought had him swallowing a lump in his throat. He scrubbed his hand over his face, pinching the bridge of his nose. He wished Jamie was there.. he always had some surprisingly insightful shit to say when Roy was putting too much on his plate. It was fucking ironic, wasn't it? The one person who could help wasn't fucking here anymore.
"Roy." His sister voice pierced the silence and reluctantly he looked at her when she sat next to him. "It's okay to not be okay.. Jamie was part of our family. Blood or not he was an uncle to Phoebe, an annoying but lovable little brother to me.. he was your best friend. No one expects you to be okay and do all this shit now. You're allowed to break."
Usually he was pretty good at keeping his feelings and emotions in check, at least he thought so but this was fucking different. He wasn't sure how he was going to come back from this. He was so fucking angry. Angry at the situation. Angry at Jamie for pushing Dani out of the way which made him feel guilty since he knew that would mean Dani would be in Jamie's position. He was angry he ever said that stupid thing when he was a fucking pundit. Jamie Tartt is a muppet and I hope he dies of the incurable condition of being a little bitch. He was angry for suggesting Jamie go out with the lads that night. It was all his fucking fault. Jamie trusted Roy to do right by him and instead of protecting him he'd practically sent him out to his death. The dam broke and he couldn't stop the sobs that started wracking his body. He felt himself being pulled into his sisters arms and he held onto her like his life depended on it.
"That's it, let it out.." she whispered. "Everythings going to be okay."
It wasn't going to be okay though, was it? Jamie was gone. Dead. He wasn't going to see him ever again and he couldn't fathom that. Every moment he shared with Jamie since the day they met flashed before his eyes. Meeting him for the first time. Realising just how talented he was. Fighting in the locker room. Fighting on the pitch. Jamie being sent back to Man City. Tackling him and fucking up his own knee. Coming back to Richmond as a coach and ignoring him. The insane free kick. Wembley. Becoming friends. Training. Amsterdam. Being taught how to ride a bike. Their first kiss. Uncles day. Jamie's first cap for England. Birthdays. Hat-tricks. Days out with Phoebe.
They had gone through so much together and it wasn't supposed to be over yet. It wasn't supposed to end like this. They were supposed to have more time before Jamie realised he was too good for Richmond and there was nothing left for them to teach him. Roy was supposed to support him secretly at whichever club he inevitably ended up playing for, one that would catapult him into superstardom. He deserved that. He worked so fucking hard to get where he was and now it was all over. He'd never get the chance to be captain of the England team or captain at whichever club he decided to sign with. He would never reach his full potential and show everyone just what he was capable of but not only that.. Roy would never get to tell him he loved him. He’d never get to see their future, sure there was a chance they might not have worked out but there was also a chance that they might have gone on to get married, start a family or whatever they decided. He’d never know.
“He wasn’t my best friend.” He saw the look on her face and yeah, that probably wasn’t a great thing to say right now. “I mean he wasn’t just my best friend.”
I loved him.
He couldn’t look at her but he heard the moment it clicked. A soft oh escaping her lips that reminded him so much of Jamie it almost made him laugh. She had moved even closer and instead of saying anything, she pulled him into another tight hug and once again the tears threatened to fall. It hadn’t even been a full fucking day but he missed him.
He missed him so fucking much.