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Published:
2024-04-23
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Is my best good enough?

Summary:

Nicky takes in the twins but he´s just a 19-year-old kid

Notes:

I don´t know what this is but enjoy

TW:
Nickys past (religious trauma, depression)
short mention of Tilda´s death

Work Text:

Nicky closed his eyes and took a deep breath. It didn't calm his nerves one bit. Instead, he breathed in the exhaust fumes from the passing cabs and cars.

Home sweet home

It hadn't even been a year since Nicky had last stood on US soil. Back then, he had only just finished school and had moved to the love of his life with a tiny suitcase.

Today he had three suitcases and the love of his life was sitting on the other side of the world waiting for a call to say he'd landed safely.

Nicky hailed a cab and let the cab driver help him with his suitcases. Only when he had given the driver an address and they had left the airport did Nicky write Erik a message. He couldn't hear his voice now. It would tear his heart out.

His internal clock was still set to German time and since it was already 1 a.m. there and Nicky had a 14-hour flight behind him, he was getting tired. He hadn't been able to sleep well on the plane and that was now taking its toll.

Despite the time of day and the fact that Erik had to work in the morning, a reply came back immediately:

Erik Klose, 7:12pm (1:12am):

Call me when you're rested. I'll have my phone on loud the whole time. I love you!

Nicky typed a reply and deleted it again. There was no point. He had to look ahead.

 

 

 

The cab stopped in front of the hotel that Nicky and Erik had rented a few days ago in the middle of the night for the next five days. It would be that long before Nicky could move into the house they had also rented just a few days ago.

Erik's family had thrown their savings together to pay the deposit and the first month's rent. Nicky was so incredibly grateful to them. He had hardly been able to earn any money in the few months he had lived in Germany. The bureaucracy in Germany really was a nightmare in itself and somehow it felt like Nicky had gone through all that for nothing.

The cab driver helped Nicky lift the suitcases out of the car and drove off again after we had paid.

The hotel room was fairly straightforward. Bed, TV, wardrobe and bathroom. There was a small desk on the wall where Nicky put his wallet and keys. It was only 7pm, but Nicky could feel the tiredness in every bone. As soon as his head hit the pillow, he was asleep.

 


 

5 days later, Nicky was standing in front of a small house in Columbia with his packed suitcase. It looked nice and would be enough for three people. Provided Nicky would be allowed to live here with his cousins soon.

The trial was in two days and Nicky was already dreading the day.

He had only received the call about his aunt's death three weeks ago and from the moment his mother had told him that Aaron had moved in with them and that Andrew would soon follow as soon as he was released from hospital, Nicky had known that he would take them both in. Him and not his parents, because he'd rather chop off a leg than let his parents screw up another kid.

He hated the thought of Aaron and Andrew having to live there for a short time, but hopefully the few weeks wouldn't have done them too much harm.

The house was already furnished. Nicky had asked the landlord to get some furniture before they moved in. That was one of the reasons why Nicky could only move in now. Sometimes he loved the USA, because it would have been much more difficult in Germany.

The furniture was nothing special and there was only the bare essentials. Beds, tables, a sofa...

Nicky took a close look at the three bedrooms. He had no idea which one to choose. Did the twins prefer to stay together or did one of them need more space? Nicky decided to sleep on the couch for the next few days and let the twins choose. It somehow felt wrong otherwise.

 


 

“Nicholas.”

“Dad.” Nicky's whole body trembled as he faced his father for the first time in a year.

The memories from back then came flooding back to him. The recriminations, the threats, the praying. He felt the hard floor against his knees, heard his father's sermons right in his ear. If he closed his eyes, he could even feel the pages of his Bible in his hands.

But this was not about him. Not about his father or what he had done to him. This was about two 16-year-olds who had just lost their mother.

“Nicky!” 

Nicky turned and looked into the familiar face of his cousin. Or not familiar, because the Aaron standing in front of him was older than the one he had last seen. He hadn't grown much taller, but his hair was a little longer and the shadows under his eyes were bigger.

The Aaron standing in front of him had nothing to do with the little boy from back then.

“Hey, Ari,” Nicky greeted him and put on a smile.

“Don't call me that,” Aaron grumbled and looked him up and down. “It's true what Uncle Luther says? You're gay?”

Luther choked on his spit or on the air he wanted to breath, because he suddenly started coughing violently.

Nicky, however, returned his cousin's look and tried not to let his father unsettle him. “Yes.”

Aaron just nodded and said nothing more.

Suddenly, Maria and a second Aaron appeared around the corner. No, not a second Aaron - Andrew.

Nicky had only half heard the story because he was far too busy praying and not killing himself at the time. He had just returned from another conversion therapy camp where he had been forced to do unspeakable things. He had spent nights lying awake and praying. Praying again and again to a God who hated him. Who hated him so much that he had made him gay. Who would never forgive him. Nicky knew by now that it wasn't a sin to love men, but his 16-year-old self hadn't known that. He had blamed himself for his parents not loving him. He had forced himself to kiss girls, even though it had made him sick.

Sixteen-year-old Nicky hadn't paid any attention to his aunt and cousin. He hadn't cared that his cousin suddenly had a twin brother. He hadn't cared that Andrew had moved in with Aunt Tilda and Aaron a few months ago, because Nicky had already been in Germany at the time. He had been happy.

Andrew looked just like Aaron. His hair was just shorter and he still had a few bruises from the car accident he had survived. 

Nicky widened his smile and ignored his mother to hold out his hand to Andrew. “I'm Nicky, your cousin.”

Nicky wasn't expecting anything from Andrew, but he was pleasantly surprised when he grabbed his hand and squeezed it tightly. “Andrew.”

Nicky looked back and forth between Andrew and Aaron and decided at that moment to fight for these two teenagers, no matter the outcome of the trial.

 


 

“Welcome home!” Nicky spread his arms theatrically and spun once in a circle to include the entire house.

The trial had been surprisingly short. The court hadn't necessarily found Nicky to be the better guardian, but he was younger, had a house and an income, and the twins had chosen Nicky. The latter had surprised him. Andrew didn't know him and the last time Nicky had seen Aaron had also been several years ago. He was practically a stranger. And yet, in a one-on-one interview with the judge, both boys testified that they would rather live with Nicky than Luther and Maria.

“You can choose a room. There are two upstairs and one down here. You can each have your own or if you prefer, you can sleep in one. I don't care at all.”

Aaron looked at each room very carefully and then decided on the one on the top floor. Andrew ran after him the whole time without really looking at the rooms and then took the other one on the top floor. So Nicky had the room on the first floor.

The twins had hardly any luggage with them and so they were quickly settled in. Nicky had simply shoved his suitcases into his new room and used the time to cook dinner.

“So,” he began as they sat down to eat. “I may be your guardian now, but I'm not your father. I'm far too young for that.” A nervous laugh escaped him. “That's why I don't really have any rules. I'd just appreciate it if you'd let me know if you're meeting up with friends or anything else. Because if someone from the youth welfare office turns up, I'd like to be able to tell them where you are.”

Nicky reached for the water bottle on the table and noticed Aaron flinch. He paused briefly in his movement and then tried not to let it show. Andrew's gaze weighed heavily on him. “Are you okay with this?” Nicky asked, trying to make light of the situation.

Aaron said nothing, just stared at his half-full plate while Andrew nodded slowly.

 

 

Dinner passed in silence and Aaron disappeared to his room as soon as the table had been cleared. Andrew lingered a little longer in the kitchen.

“We hardly know each other, so it's probably strange to move in with me, but I promise I'll look after you both, Andrew.”

“I'm a forsterkid. I'm used to moving in with strangers.” Andrew tilted his head a little. “I take promises very seriously, Nicholas Hemmick.”

“Nicky,” Nicky interrupted him.

"If you harm a hair on Aaron's head, the same thing will happen to you as it did to Tilda.” Andrew wasn't fazed by the interruption. “I have no idea why you're doing this or who you really are, but I'll find out.”

Nicky swallowed to moisten his dry throat. The boy scared him a little, but it was just a boy. A boy who had probably been through a lot of shit. Nicky's life hadn't been easy either, and he recognized the darkness he'd seen in Andrew's and Aaron's eyes. He sensed that neither of them had had it easy in life. 

“Then get to know me, Andrew. We could all three get to know each other better.” He pointed to the kitchen table that they had just cleared and sat down. Andrew followed him hesitantly. “My name is Nicky. I'm 19 years old and I lived in Germany until a week ago. I have a boyfriend, Erik. He's great. You could talk to him on the phone one day. My favorite color is purple. I like chocolate, sweets in general. I'm not a morning person at all and I'd like a dog. Or a cat. Well...a pet of some kind, anyway.”

Andrew blinked briefly.

“Now you know me a bit, and the rest will come over the next few days.”

“You have a boyfriend?” Andrew asked, which surprised Nicky a little.

“Yes. I met Erik during my exchange year in Germany. He was my host brother.”

Andrew nodded briefly and then stood up. “I'm going to bed. Good night... Nicky.”

 


 

“I hate you!”

“Andrew!”

“Let me out!”

“Please!”

“Please, Andrew...”

Nicky closed his eyes and buried his face in his hands. He understood why Andrew was doing this. He understood that it was probably the best idea. They had no money for a proper rehab and if the court found out Aaron was a drug addict, they would surely take Nicky's guardianship away.

Aaron had been screaming his head off for hours. Soon the crash would come and then the real withdrawal. Aaron would suffer. He would hate them. He would never forgive them.

Nicky went into the kitchen and started making soup. Something that was good for the stomach and fortifying. With two plates in his hands, he climbed the stairs and stopped in front of Andrew.

“Here,” he whispered, handing one plate to Andrew.

“He won't stop screaming.” Andrew sounded exhausted. 

Nicky sighed softly. “It'll all get better soon. You'll see.” He put his smile back on and placed the second plate next to Andrew. “For Aaron. Decide for yourself when you want to give it to him, but give it to him. He can't starve.”

 


 

It was the middle of the night and Nicky sat hunched over the bills at the kitchen table. The twins were asleep, at least he hoped so. The house had been eerily quiet for weeks. The twins only spoke to each other when necessary and yet they were like shadows. Where one was, so was the other. They started playing Exy at school and learning German. Nicky was a little proud of the latter, but the joy was short-lived when neither of them really spoke to him.

Nicky tried everything: game nights, movie nights, their favorite food. Nothing helped. They hardly spoke. 

And the bills piled up. In the meantime, Nicky had taken on a second job just to earn enough money. Erik took over the rent for the time being, but Nicky couldn't expect him to do that in the long term. A solution had to be found.

Desperately, Nicky ran his fingers through his dark hair and sorted the bills according to urgency, paying the few he could afford at the moment. He would probably cut back on food for the next few days and for the time being, nothing new would be bought.

 

If someone had told him a few months ago how hard it would be to be an adult, he would have laughed in his face. Adults had all the power in the world. They could do whatever they wanted. Nicky had already paid bills and had lived with Erik for almost a year and yet Germany was hardly comparable to the USA. Nicky didn't have anyone here. No one who could help him. He was alone. In Germany he had Erik and Erik's family. There was a safety net. In the US, Nicky was on his own.

It was hard and on some days he didn't even know how to get out of bed, but he had to keep going. If not for himself, then for the twins. For the two boys who moved in with him without hesitation, even though he was a stranger to them. For the two whose past they were so consumed with, they woke up screaming at night. Who squirm with every quick move. Who still didn't trust him. He noticed Andrew's looks, Aaron's squirming. He saw how Andrew was always by Aaron's side, watching his every move. He knew Andrew locked his room door at night and hated touch more than anything else. He knew Aaron was still craving drugs.
Nicky saw the twins. He saw what they were going through, had been through. He had to carry his own package. He missed Erik and repeatedly caught himself praying before going to bed or eating.

All three were fucked up and probably never would be okay, but they had each other now. They were a family now and even though the twins didn't see it yet, they were happy or at least satisfied with Nicky.

 



ANDREW & AARON


Nicky wasn't the best guardian. He tried to break the silence and was always too loud and talked about unnecessary things. He did not always manage to keep order and was already late to pick them up from school on more than one occasion. He didn't care that they spent the whole day watching TV on the weekend.

But Nicky was there.

He made sure the twins always had something to eat. That they always had some money for lunch, even if that meant Nicky didn't eat for a day. He left Andrew with the last chocolate pudding, even though he would have liked to eat it himself. He came to every Exy game and cheered on them, even though he came straight from a double shift and was exhausted. He never tried to let himself be noticed how much the whole situation burdened him. Nicky hid the bills and cried in his room at night when he assumed the twins were asleep.

He ignored every stupid comment from Aaron, ignored it when Andrew just kept quiet.

But most importantly, he gave the twins a safe place.
Aaron stopped flinching at quick, unexpected movements. He didn't apologize more than once when he dropped a glass or broke something. He dared to show a bad grade to Nicky and talk about a future that was now open to him.

Andrew stopped locking his room door at night. He left Aaron alone in a room with Nicky because he was starting to trust him. He dared to smoke in front of Nicky without fear that Nicky would refuse him food. He could also openly say if he did not like something and did not have to think about when he would get something to eat next time. He allowed Nicky to put a hand on his shoulder after winning an exy game. He could sleep better at night.

Nicky didn't notice, but he had given the twins a chance at a normal life. At a future.