Chapter Text
“Live! Live the wonderful life that is in you! Let nothing be lost upon you. Be always searching for new sensations. Be afraid of nothing.” — The Picture of Dorian Gray by Oscar Wilde
In the next few days, Mizi developed a routine: she would wake up, spend time with Sua, leave for classes, and after returning home, she would spend more time with Sua.
It eventually occurred to Mizi that, while this was nice, it wasn’t sustainable. Besides, Mizi felt a little bad about keeping Sua cooped up like this.. but she’d draw so much attention with that dress of hers! It was so beautiful, but Mizi doubts she’d be the only one to recognize that, should Sua wander outside.
That, and it felt a little depressing. Most of their time together was spent with Sua staring at Mizi as she went about her daily routine. Very few words were ever exchanged between them, despite the comfortable routine the past 6 days had set.
But, well, Mizi never really kept a routine for longer than a week or two. And, it was her day off tomorrow. An idea began to bloom within Mizi’s mind.
Upon returning home, the idea had fully bloomed. She went about her evening as she usually did, waiting for the opportunity to suggest her idea to Sua. It felt a bit odd to make herself wait for dinner… but Mizi just didn’t feel comfortable suggesting it at any other point in the day. It felt too awkward.
She knew, logically, that a painting wouldn’t care, but Mizi couldn’t bring herself to do it. So when she finally sat down for dinner with her cheap store-bought soup, she knew she had to steel her nerves and just spit it out already.
“Sua, we should go shopping tomorrow,” she says, tone heavy, as if she was delivering unpleasant news.
Sua raised an eyebrow at her overly heavy tone, responding with a simple, “Okay.”
Mizi let out a sigh of relief. “Oh! You said yes. Thank goodness..”
“Why would I say no? We dawdled for a bit, but you can’t keep me a secret forever. That’s why you invited me shopping.”
Wow.. Sua really was good at reading people. Or maybe Mizi just wore her thoughts on her face. A week of staring at her sure helped, whatever it was. “Yeah!” Mizi said, unexpectedly urgent.
“Then yes. In fact,” Sua grinned a bit, “why don’t we make a day of it? We can leave in the morning and eat out for breakfast. It’ll make it so you don’t have to purchase groceries on one of the days where you have class.”
Wow… for a painting, Sua’s logistics were on point! Mizi nodded enthusiastically. “Yeah! Let’s do it. It’ll be a girls' day!”
Sua smiled politely. “It’ll be a girls' day.” She was always so graceful…
---
The breakfast place was quiet, despite it being just the right time to arrive. For the time being, Sua had borrowed some of Mizi’s clothes, as they seemed to be around the same size. Mizi had struggled to find something that fit Sua’s effortlessly graceful nature, but she’d managed to scrounge something up.
It was conservative in the variety of colors, a white blouse and black sweater vest on top, hand-knitted on one of Mizi’s holiday breaks in high school. The skirt Sua wore was pleated and high-waisted, and she wore tights underneath. Her shoes were Mizi’s favorite pair of dress shoes. Mizi had foregone them for Sua’s sake, wearing a pair of bland white sneakers instead.
The environment was nice, a clean, warm diner aesthetic. It suited Sua’s classy aura, Mizi had thought when she picked it out. The service was timely, and their waiter was dutiful and polite.
However… Sua didn’t seem too hungry, and she only ordered something small for herself alongside a coffee. Mizi tilted her head.
“Sua, you’re not going to eat anything else?”
Sua shook her head, her graceful smile never faltering. “No, I’m not particularly hungry right now.”
“Ah…” Mizi said, a bit awkwardly. “Well, you can have some of mine if you decide you’re hungry!”
Sua’s smile remained. “Thank you for the offer, Mizi.”
Mizi grinned. “No problem!”
Their food came soon after and Mizi dug in immediately, undiscerning of what kind of concoction she was shoveling into her mouth. Well, except for the vegetables. Mizi was pointedly avoiding them. Sua watched on, barely touching her own meager portion. Her eyes were unreadable.
“Why do you paint?” Sua suddenly asked her, gracefulness never wavering despite her daring question.
It was a broad question, too, and overtly philosophical. Mizi was at a loss for words– her mouth fell open and she just stared at Sua for a moment.
Before she can even stop herself, Mizi gives what is maybe the dumbest answer in the history of art. “Well– you see– actually, can I get back to you on that? Ask me other questions first!”
This lack of a proper response doesn’t even faze Sua. Her face doesn’t even change. “Alright. How about… why did you paint me, then?”
That one was easy. “Oh! Well, it's because I wanted to create a human with the aura of a deity!” Mizi explains. For some reason, people wanted to ask this to her whenever they gazed upon White Swan . Mizi dug back into her food, with much less fervor this time.
If Sua had any organs, they would’ve tied themselves into a knot. Despite this, she continued to smile that elegant, graceful smile. It was beginning to feel more like a curse than a blessing. “I see. I’m not much of a deity though, am I? I don’t have any followers to speak of.”
Mizi perked up further, if that was even possible. “That’s not true! I’m your follower!” She protested. Why would Mizi paint Sua with such reverence otherwise? Why would Sua answer her prayer otherwise? Mizi is Sua’s follower, a humble priest spreading the elegant light that reflects off Sua unto the world. She had been Sua’s follower since the moment she conceptualized her.
“Oh.. thank you, Mizi,” Sua says, smiling a little. “But just one follower isn’t enough to make me a God.”
Mizi gains a fiery determination in her eyes as she responds, “don’t say that! Besides, I want White Swan to beg the question of how many believers a God needs before it becomes religion, not you! Sua, I know you’re a God, whether other people believe me or not. I know because I believe. Nothing else matters beyond my ability to believe. That’s what makes me human, after all!”
Sua finds herself turning a bit red at the ears, though she simultaneously feels as though something is wrong with Mizi’s response. It’s flattering, sure. But it fills Sua with a feeling. A nothing-feeling that she knows should be something-feeling. She’s supposed to feel… an emotion. A human emotion. But she doesn’t.
Ah, Sua understands. She’s supposed to feel warmth. But she doesn’t. She can’t even really feel the temperature of the cafe, despite Mizi having commented on the chill when they had entered.
Sua settles on responding with, “I see. What a unique way of looking at things,”
Mizi flashes her a bright smile, and Sua is sure that something is beginning to take root within her chest.
---
It felt odd. To only be able to describe inhuman experiences with human words. Sua was sure there were no words, Korean, English, or otherwise, that could describe how she felt. Every word that Sua had tried failed to fully encapsulate her emotions, and so Sua has made her peace with it.
Only a painting could possibly be this introspective while buying clothing. Well, to be more specific, Sua was waiting for Mizi to check out, leaving Sua alone to wait for her. Being alone with her thoughts was, as always, a recipe for existentialism. Mizi made Sua feel inhuman, but simultaneously more real than Sua had ever been before.
Real, but cold. Illusory, but warm. Was there really no other option for the white-feathered swan?
It didn’t matter. Mizi had returned, and with her came the whirlwind feeling of realness. Like she’s a real girl. The two of them strayed back into the changing room for Sua to change into one of her new outfits, but they didn't dawdle further afterwards. They left immediately.
Sua never expected a mall to impress her that much. Mizi had spoken about it many times, stars in her eyes as if it was some great feat of human civilization. Sua thought they were OK. They were loud, and as far as Sua could tell, there were ads everywhere. Shops lined the building, and Sua found herself analyzing them as she walked by.
One particular store caught her eye. The Raven’s Bookstore , the big sign above the doorway read. She found herself breaking off from Mizi’s side, straying into the store. It smelled like old books. The store itself was relatively tiny, and felt intimate. Sua liked it much better than the monochrome, sanitized walls of the mall outside.
Her eyes wandered about the store, and she drifted about for a bit, not looking for anything in particular. Until something caught her eye. The Six Swans by the Brothers Grimm. She plucked a copy from the shelf and opened it tentatively. The bookstore was relatively empty, so she figured that it wouldn’t bother anyone too much. Besides, the cashier at the register looked painfully bored, and she was pretty sure they were on their phone. No one would mind.
It was a short tale, and yet– Sua found herself barely halfway through the book before she was interrupted.
“I’m pretty fond of that one, too.” A black-haired man, definitely taller than Sua, said, grinning. He had a snaggletooth.
“I haven’t finished it yet. I’ve never read it before.” Sua responds, closing the book and tucking it back into the shelf.
The black-haired man gingerly grabs it back off the shelf. “Well, this one is good, but if you want a worthwhile purchase, you should probably buy the complete collection of the brothers Grimm.”
“I see. Thank you for your recommendation…” she trailed off, looking at the snaggle-toothed man expectantly.
“Oh! Sorry. I’m Ivan. You’re Mizi’s new roommate, right? I’m a friend of hers.” There was a strange glint in his eyes, as if he had an inkling of something being amiss.
Yes, yes. Sua already knew. But it helped that she had already been given a convenient cover. “Yes. I am. My name is Sua. It’s nice to meet you, Ivan. I’ve heard a bit about you, but I didn’t recognize you.” Mostly because Sua doesn’t have much of an imagination, so despite Mizi’s attempts to describe him, it conjured no images within Sua’s mind.
“Are you here with Mizi? It doesn’t seem like her to let her roommate go to the mall alone. She takes any opportunity she gets to come here.” He said it with a fond smile, but Sua had the feeling he was accusing Sua of doing something suspicious.
“Yes. I…” It occurred to Sua that she doesn’t know where Mizi went after Sua had strayed into this bookstore. “...I lost her.”
Ivan blinked, and all suspicion in his gaze dissolved. “You what?”
“I lost her,” Sua repeats.
Ivan sighs. They’re going to have to go find her.