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2024-04-20
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his voice

Summary:

"san-ah, what do you want to do in all those years?"

.
.
.
.
where san though he had moved on from the love of his life, but infact, he hasn't. and he never will.

Notes:

i wrote this while listening to mitski songs and suddenly came up with an angsty storyline and immediately opened my laptop to write it. anyways.

 

enjoy <3

Work Text:

2 years before wooyoungs death, he and san has been sitting in the dark of wooyoung hospital bedroom, where the only source of light that illuminates the room was a round, moon lamp that was gifted by seonghwa for wooyoungs 20th birthday a few months ago.

they were talking about the future, how it held so much power and how it was such a mystery where, no one knew what the future helds but only the future it self, knew.

"its very fascinating if you think about it," san started, staring at the square ceiling on top of him.

"i mean, can you imagine what we could do with all those years? we're 20! we still have like what - 70 years till we become old hags and has to use canes to walk."

wooyoung kept quiet the whole time san was talking, he was observing how his boyfriend would be so sure that he could live for 70 years and more years to come. which he knew was not true because right now, they are literally on wooyoungs hospital bed.

"what do you want to do for all those years, san-ah?" wooyoung asked, his voice so quiet it almost sounds vulnerable.

"hm.." san thought about it for a while. he closed his eyes as he imagined. what if.

what if right now, at this moment, they were not on an uncomfortable hospital bed but instead, they were on a sofa that he and wooyoung had saved up money to buy? what if the ticking sounds of water IV is actually the sounds of a pipe leaking that the both of them had to fix sooner or later? most importantly, what if, wooyoung is not sick? what if hes not terminally ill? who would he be? what if hes just a normal 20 year old guy living with his boyfriend?

but of course, the keyword is : what if.

and so, he combined all of the "what ifs" from earlier and created an imagination(or a vision) of their future together.

there, the both of them would live in a small cabin near a fruit farm. they will adopt two cats, one of them will be named kim and the other one bab.

there, in the mornings san would wake up to the smell of wooyoungs cooking: perfectly cooked bacon with cheese pasta that he drools after from the bed. he would wrap his hands around wooyoungs waist as he continued cooking.

san would be the most happiest person in the world. and, he promised himself that, after wooyoung got better or he was completely healed, he would make all those imaginations come true.

"i want to live with you." he finally answers. "i want to escape this place with you. i want to live in the middle of nowhere where i wake up to the sounds of you singing from the kitchen." san said with a wide smile, unable to cover his emotions when he imagined a day where he and wooyoung would be away from all problems and worries.

"i want to grow old with you, wooyoung." san turned his head towards wooyoung and realizes, that he was sleeping.

"how long has it been?" san though to himself.

he finds it quiet hard to sleep that night, because he spends most of the time admiring wooyoungs beautiful, relaxed face.

if you combine all the most expensive silk in the world, it will never compare to how beautiful and smooth wooyoungs skin is.

pale and soft. just like silk.

san moves his head closer to wooyoungs and kissed the temple of his head, where he loves to be kissed the most.

after a few pecks on his cheeks (he knew wooyoung would love it, he always do) he drifts to sleep after counting his boyfriends even breath.

one, two, three, four..

 

~(^з^)-♡

 

two weeks after that night, san has a huge game going on, where he'll be fighting against the school worst enemy.

he practiced hard for that soccer game, sometimes he would sleep for so long beside wooyoung because he was too tired to go home.

unfortunately, the opponents team did an almost excellent job and had won the competition.

his eyes gleams with tears as he saw the score board where the opponent team won and his team. lost.

i need wooyoung. he thought. i need him.

when he reaches wooyoungs hospital room,( he ran there because there were no cabs in sight) there he was, sitting cross legs on the bed, eating chicken poridge and reading a book that he recently bought online.

wooyoung looks up from his books and immediately frowns after he saw the tears glistening from the corner of san's eyes, where it was threatening to fall.

"oh, san-ah. come here." he opens his amrs as san crushes his fragile frame with his bigger ones(not that he complains, wooyoung loved it when san hugged him so much to the point he couldn't breathe)

 

right after he gets trapped from the warm embrace of wooyoung, he finds himself unable to stop the tears from his eyes, wetting the raven blue shirt that wooyoung wore.

"shh.. san, its alright, everything is going to be okay."

"i lost," he hiccuped. "i lost, i failed. what do i do, young-ah?"

wooyoung rocks back and forth while rubbing small circles on sans back.

"san, look at me." wooyoung was also crying at this point, he always did whenever he felt helpless. right now, he can do nothing but hugs his boyfriend whi was crying so hard he almost couldn't breathe.

its childish. seonghwa would say. its childish to cry over a game that you lost. but this, wasn't just a mere game. it was a game that would determine if he could be a great lead captain or not. which he now, failed to do so.

he pratices so hard, wooyoung knew that. because every night, san would come visit him wearing sweaty jerseys and dirty pants.

when he finally looks at wooyoung, it takes every nerve in his body to not cry more because wooyoung looked so depressed as well.

it makes him feel terrible. he was the one that makes wooyoung feel like this and he resented himself for this.

"san.. its all right, the past is the past. now you can always try to get back on your track and start again hm? ill be rooting for you from here?" wooyoung said in his soothing voice that knew would help san stop his hiccups.

"young-ah. what did i do to deserve you?"

"you always deserves me san, always."

after that, san leans his head to wooyoungs lap, it was an awkward position but he couldn't care less because wooyoung was playing with his hair.

those beautiful slim fingers was untangling sans hair, and he smiles at the feeling.

without him noticing, he realizes that wooyoung had started singing.

wooyoung had always has an amazing voice. if he is not terminally ill , he would be the most amazing singer anyone would knew.

"my baby.. my baby, " it was a song from sans favourite singer, mitski called "i beg on losing dogs". the song was depressing and he often reminds himself to not listen to it alone or else all of the bad things that happens in his life would come crashing his thoughts again but now,
wooyoung was singing the song, so beautifully,it was almost as if wooyoung wanted to change his perspective of the song. he allows himself to enjoy the soothing voice of his boyfriend singing, and after that day. san would listen to the song non stop on the days where he couldn't visit wooyoung.

 

(*^3^)/~♡

december 24th 2015
it was winter, and the sky has started to change its colour into a pale white, and there were small pieces of snow falling out from the clouds.

san had just gotten back from a grocery store to buy some instant ramen when the hospital called and said that wooyoung is gone.

right after he heard those words coming out from the nurse, everything went gray around him. he couldn't comprehend words. every single alphabets and verbs were gone from his vocabulary. he was mute. he was silenced.

the love of his life has just died, and here he is, gripping a plastic bag full of instant ramen that he was supposed to give wooyoung.

everything was a blur after that, he had gone to the hospital and cried and threw a tantrum to the point where the doctors had to physically remove him from hugging wooyoungs dead body. or holding him. because san knew, that if he holds his arms around wooyoung, wooyoung would wrap his arms around san's. but this time, there were no arms around his. and thats when he realize that this actually real. every scenario that he and wooyoung created was snatched away from him just like that.

when he came back home that night, he saw books from wooyoungs bookshelf that was untouched and will never be read.

"it was too much work!" wooyoung would often say.

"i love reading but sometimes it just feels like a chore."

he said that years ago, and now, there will be no one who will be babbling about them.

the most hardest thing that san finds is to simply enter his room because he knows, the moment he stepped into his room. he would pass out from crying so much.

there in the room, were polaroids and pictures of wooyoung from a vacation they went 3 years ago on their anniversary. wooyoung was a bit healthier at that time, he could lift heavy things and run around without feeling like he could die. san though that maybe, wooyoung would be like this forever but after that vacation. wooyoung had got a blood infection and he was forced to be committed in hospital again.

"san-ah, why do you always take pictures of me?" wooyoung asked him when they were running around a dandelion field.

"because youre handsome." san joked around and wooyoung grinned at him and says that hes cheezy. but really. if wooyoung asked that question again, he would answer :

"its because im afraid you will slip away from me and you would leave me alone."

but now, that really happens, and he couldnt do anything but just watch the love of his life, his one and only, dies and just gone from the world forever.

he refuses to let wooyoung go. so, he pretend as if wooyoung is very sick and is hospitalized in new york,that he will be away for a long time but will eventually return. and he isnt allowed to visit him because of the hospital precidure.

he pretends and pretends until one day, he snapped and he realize that he would never hear wooyoung sing , he would never see wooyoungs beautiful smile, he will never get to hug wooyoung ever again.

(。’▽’。)♡

 

san is 28 years old and it has been 6 years since the death of his beloved.

those 6 years was both agonizing and relieving because his friends has helped him through the journey of moving on. so, he moved on. or he thought he did.

he thought to himself, i have to let him go. hes not coming back. ill never see him again.

and after that, he went with seonghwas advice and started seeing someone.

her name was choi ira and shes 26, a few years younger than he is. he met her on a few parties seonghwa held and knew that the girl was pretty, and shes really smart and good with children.

san had went out with her a few times, dinners, study dates or even in his apartment.

all though, they never really clarified their relationship. it was a relationship with no ties.

one warm, breezy night, san will go out with her to a festival that she had paid the both of them to.

it will be held on a large stadium and she was excited to go there with someone shes fond of.

san walks through the crowds of people on the stadium with ira, trying to find their seats that they had paid.

"there it is! lets go, san!"
ira squeaked.

san never allows her to call him "san-ah" because it reminds him of someone that he knew, could never move on from. but it hurts to hear someone say that name, and that "someone" is not wooyoung.

both of them settled on their seat and so, the festival began.

it was not the kind of festival where people were drunk and screaming at the tops of thei lungs, but instead it was more off a emotional rollercoaster type of festival, where the songs before where energizing and the next was sad and sentimental instead.

he was having fun, he hums to the song as ira thread her hands with his.

the song that san has hummed to has end and now, the last song will be performed and it was from no other than his favorite singer : mitski.

the melody starts with a guitar slowly playing until it reaches the lyrics and his heart dropped when he heard which song was being played.

"my baby, my baby.."

sans eyes widened as uncountable tears came out from them.

it was the song that wooyoung used to sing to him whenever san felt sad.

as the singer sang her song, instead of her voice, san heard wooyoungs voice instead. those calm, soothing voice easing his anxiety.

 

"youre my baby, say it to me." wooyoung sang.

"baby? im not a baby, im an adult." san jokingly pouted and wooyoung kissed his lips and his cheeks.

san was sobbing when he remembers that time. he miss wooyoung. he miss every single thing about him. his voice, his laugh, his skin, his lips.

san sobs as he remembers everything about wooyoung in his short life, the time where they wont on a vacation and their anniversary.

he cries and cries as pictures of wooyoung plays on his mind like a broken camera.

 

as the song came to an end, he ran away as fast as he could, living ira alone and confused.

he ran towards his apartment and towards the extra room, which he hasnt opened for a few months.

when he entered the room he slowly walks towards the walls, where picture of wooyoung are hanging.

one, a picture of wooyoung sitting crosslegs on a bench, eating a sandwich.

two, a picture of wooyoung petting a cat on the sidewalk.

three, a picture of wooyoung making stupid, silly faces to the camera.

four, a picture of wooyoung on a swing, at a playground near sans apartment.

five, a picture of wooyoung on his 19th birthday, holding the moon lamp seonghwa had gifted him

six,seven,eight,nine, ten, eleven, twelve.

each picture held its own story and sans heart felt like it was bleeding and breaking in small pieces at every single one of them.

 

his head hurts with how much he cries, his chest felt like its tightening and it gets harder and harder to breathe.

ignoring the aching pain he felt when looking at the pictures, he made his way to a computer, where he kept videos of wooyoung and old messages from wooyoung.

he scrolls to the most recent voice message and plays it.

"hey san, seonghwa is going to the grocery store to buy me some stuff, do you want anything?" he hears that cute, vulnerable voice that he loves so much, echoing through the room.

"wooyoung." he speaks to the empty room. "come back. come back, i miss you."

but wooyoung will never come back. so, he closes his eyes as he listen to the voice of his beloved.

 

"san-ah !" wooyoung screamed in the voice message.

"good night, i love you." and that was the last voice message that wooyoung had sent him.