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In this realm of endless white, Sua spent most of her days watching over the world she left behind. She’d always heard of the afterlife, but she never expected it to be real. She always considered herself too pragmatic for that.
Ivan’s arrival was an upset. The once silent world Sua had been calling home was now filled with their voices, which ricocheted off the non-existent walls of the room and echoed their sins back to them.
“Your love story is doomed to never begin. Isn’t that awful?” Sua had finally found the rebuttal she had been looking for. Finally found her voice again.
“And yours will never finish. Sua, which of those is worse in your eyes?” Ivan offers, still as stubborn as he’s always been.
Sua pauses to stare at him. Her brows furrow ever so slightly. He’s so smug. He genuinely believes he won’t hurt Till with that little stunt he pulled.
“You could have at least tried to be friendly. I had no idea you were such a pessimist.”
“Like you and Mizi? Till wouldn’t even spare me a glance. You wouldn’t understand, I don’t think. I had no chance from the very beginning.” He says so with a resolute grief, as though his heart was broken despite his smug expression.
Both of them are such massive fakers. But at least Sua knows when to stop acting.
“Ivan,” Sua starts, looking at him with a dead-eyed stare, “there’s nobody to perform for anymore. The stage lights are off. The audience is gone. Ivan, who are you still acting for?”
His expression falters and he shuts his mouth. It’s always like this. Ivan will fail to be a selfish person at the very last moment, and he’ll turn tail and run back like a wounded puppy.
At least Sua could follow through. At least Sua knew that what she did was terrible and selfish. She couldn’t bear to exist in a world without Mizi. She didn’t seem to care, in that moment at least, if Mizi could exist in a world without Sua.
The few moments of silence that Sua had gathered with that comment are nice. Peaceful. Like it had been before Ivan’s arrival in this purgatory (of which Sua had no intention of crossing).
But like always, Ivan will find a way to speak again.
“Sua, you didn’t answer my question. Which is worse?” God. This guy…
“You already know the answer. I would rather have some fond memories for her to look back on, rather than none at all.”
And, maybe it was selfish, but Sua didn’t want to keep her distance just to keep Mizi safe. Selfishly, Sua wanted to keep Mizi close. The first person who looked at her in awe and appreciation, Mizi. Mizi, her Mizi, the one who worshiped her like some kind of God.
But she wasn’t God, and humans can only do so much to prevent their loved ones from dying. An act of self-sacrifice is saintly enough for Sua. Enough for the girl who made her human.
Before Mizi, Sua was just a doll. But afterwards, Sua was human. Sua was human. But Mizi worshiped her like a God. Was it Sua’s humanity that made her a deity? But Mizi was human too. Why couldn’t they be Gods together? Two universes, holding hands ad Infinitum? It wasn’t fair.
“But that’s the thing, Sua. All those memories are just stained with your blood now. They’re nothing more than reminders that you’re gone.” Ivan? Ivan’s made nothing but ugly memories with Till. It’s not as if he had been planning to sacrifice himself from the very beginning, but it did work out nicely that he had kept his distance.
But then, why did he stay so far away from Till’s light? If it wasn’t his intent from the very beginning to die so that Till could continue on, why did he stay so far away? The river of time stretched back. All the way back to that day with the meteor shower, when Till’s hand slipped from his grasp, and it felt as if Till was leaving Ivan’s world forever. As if the sun had just vanished. He smiled then. He’ll keep smiling now.
“It’s better to have been there at all. It’s better to have been honest with my feelings than to have said things I didn’t mean, Ivan.”
He couldn’t keep his distance, sure, but Ivan couldn’t stand being neglected. Despite his resolution to step back and let Till do as he pleased.. Ivan still said things he didn’t mean. Did things he would’ve never done. All to get Till to look at him, if even for a moment. All attention is good attention, he read somewhere.
“Lying by omission is still lying, Sua.” He said coolly.
Sua’s face didn’t even change. She knew that already. Of course she knew that. Ivan knows she knows that.
“Well, at least I didn’t provoke Mizi all the time.” Sua shot back. The pencil, the flowers, all desperate attempts to provoke Till. Sua was surprised they even worked, after a certain point.
“Well, you never had to. Mizi’s eyes were only ever on you, anyways.” As Ivan thought, he and Sua were not as similar as he used to think.
Sua’s eyes widened strangely, and she paused for a moment. She drew a shallow breath in.
“and you never knew what it felt like to be idolized by the one you loved. Do you have any idea how that feels, Ivan? I was a God to her. I just wanted to be her peer, but she always saw me as if I were above her on some sort of pedestal.” Here it is. The second reason Sua did what she had done: because the only way to make a devotee abandon their God is for it to die.
For a split second, Ivan’s fake, plastered smile falters. He seems to try and find the words, but never succeeds.
The silence hangs in the air, tension so thick you could cut it with a knife. It wouldn’t be like this if Mizi were here, Sua thinks.
Ivan cuts the silence in half swiftly. “Would you do it again? If you could, I mean.”
It was the most genuine sentence to come out of him, thus far.
Sua smiled. “As many times as it would take to guarantee her safety.”
Ivan smiled back. “Yeah. Me too.”