Chapter Text
Shepard had planned to postpone her talk with Mordin to the next day. She told herself that it was too late now anyway. In reality, she didn’t want to admit that the thought of having to address her feelings again scared her. Ultimately, she realized that life had seemed easier when she hadn’t been in love. There had been social pressure to find a partner, the interest of the public about who Commander Shepard was dating (although that pressure was a lot less for people with leading positions in the alliance), and the confusion about what was portrayed as true love in endless movies, books and songs. But at least she hadn’t felt miserable, at least feelings of being unworthy for another person, being rejected by someone hadn’t snuck up on her. And she hadn’t asked herself all the time if she could have done something different to at least have a chance with Mordin. And she knew salarians just didn’t feel these things, just like she had thought she did. But reassuring herself of that didn’t make the thoughts go away.
So yes, she hadn’t wanted to talk to Mordin today.
Unfortunately, she hadn’t taken Mordin’s need to resolve the problem into account.
“Mordin is on his way, Shepard.”
When did she start having an open door policy for her quarters? Why did he have to come now? She didn’t want him here.
That was a lie. Under these circumstances she didn’t want him here. But talking to him here, spending time with him here, sounded great and her heart pounded in her throat.
But when she remembered why he came here her stomach turned into a big knot that was pulling itself tighter and tighter.
It was only a few more seconds before EDI announced Mordin’s arrival. With a sigh Shepard told EDI to let him in.
The door opened and there stood the salarian, with an expression on his face that Shepard hadn’t seen before.
“Hi again, Mordin.”
He nodded in greeting. “Hello Shepard. Need to talk to you.”
“I know. Me too, I guess.” She regretted how the words sounded like she was pushing them through her teeth, trying with all her might to get them out when she really didn’t want to.
He stood in her room, she sat on her bed and no one said anything for a moment. Shepard rolled her eyes and then patted on the bed beside her to get him to sit down. “This is awkward with me sitting and you standing, why not sit down?“
He seemed to contemplate her request and eventually decided to follow it. The moment Mordin sat down Shepard realized that she had just made a very bad request. Him sitting on her bed, being so close to her made her hyper aware of his presence. She felt like she was vibrating from nervousness and anxiety. Put her in a fight in a war zone against any enemy and she was as calm as she needed to be, but put her in the vicinity of the salarian she had a crush on, and her stress level went through the roof.
“Shepard.“ Mordin said her name and she understood that he had noticed that she had been elsewhere with her thoughts and was trying to get her attention. “Haven‘t been able to put conversation about your feeling from my mind. Reasoned that this was due to the expectancy of the situation and relationship turning uncomfortable and pressured. Then, when you stopped coming to the tech lab, realized that your presence was missed. Again, reasoned it was because was growing familiar with your presence. Now, had to concede that spending time with you was enjoyable. Spend a lot of time thinking about you. Salarians don‘t tend to have many close relationships. And we don‘t have sexual or romantic relationships. Too little time. Spend time thinking of you in a way that is not familiar to salarians. Thought about your smile and your eyes.“
Shepard‘s mouth dropped open as she continued to listen to him.
“Had a very confusing talk with some crew members-“
“Zaeed“ she groaned. She just got a confused nod from Mordin.
“And now finally found a solution to confusing thoughts and feelings. Shepard, seem to reciprocate your romantic feelings.“
This was really not the way confessions in romantic media went but to Shepard who had never thought she would even be in this situation, it was the best confession.
“You‘re in love with me?“
“Yes. However, still don’t consider a romantic relationship a possibility.”
Shepard’s face fell. What was happening? Was he serious? Getting her hopes up, only to say something like that? “What? Why?”
Now there was another new expression on Mordin’s face. His lips were tightly pressed together and he avoided her eyes. It looked like...shame? Or almost...self-deprication. She surprised by that look and she despised it because it was obviously not a good emotion and she didn’t want him feeling like that.
“Am old. In salarian standards. Won’t have many more years to live. Do realise that your life is dangerous and you might argue that your life could be over any second. But want to make decision based on the optimistic view that you will survive this. Having a relationship with an old salarian would be unfair to you.”
Shepard’s hands clenched. Her eyes wandered over Mordin’s face. Took in the unfamiliar expression, the lines on his face and his scars. She unclenched her hand and lifted it.
He blinked a few times just before her hand touched his face. “Mordin...”
He didn’t react but she saw how his dark eyes contemplated her.
Without thinking she let herself fall forward until her forehead came to rest on his chest just under his chin. Her blood was loud in her ears. To her relief he didn’t make any move to get away or push her off of him.
“Mordin, I want to ask you if you don’t understand what it means to feel this kind of love for the first time...but obviously you do. So instead I’m going to ask you...if we had met when you were younger...but I had been a 90 year old human, would it have mattered to you?”
He didn’t say anything for a moment. Then she felt his chest vibrate with the sound as he spoke. “It would’ve not.”
“And it doesn’t to me. I love you. I want to be with you not matter whether you die tomorrow, next year or in ten years. I want to watch you when you do experiments. I want to listen to you talking about anything that interests you. I want to...” She stopped and closed her eyes. “I want to hug you and hold you. I want to fall asleep next to you.“
Shepard pushed herself off and looked up at him. Normally, his eyes already were dark. But right now they appeared even darker, endless black pits as he watched her.
“Shepard...” He took her face into his three-fingered hands. Their faces were so close. “Want the same.”
His forehead touched hers. “Is kissing acceptable?”
Her eyes widened and she felt herself blushing. Nervousness arose in her stomach but she nodded.
He pressed his lips to hers. It was confusing and new. But surprisingly warm and comfortable. When he pulled back he looked delighted. “Fascinating. Looked up what entails human romantic relationship. But unsure what would apply to our relationship.”
She smiled. “We’ll figure it out, Mordin. As long as we are comfortable. I never seriously considered kissing someone. This was really nice.”
Shepard put her arms around his small waist and pressed herself against him. “I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy.”
One of his arms was around her shoulders, with the hand of the other he touched her head and almost played with her hair. She wondered if it was interesting to him.
“Very glad that Cerberus recommended me and happy that you chose me.”
“I knew I would love to be around you the moment I saw the way you were worried about your assistant and patients on Omega.”
“Was intrigued by you. So willing to help. Later eager to listen. Am used to people telling me that my speech pattern is jarring and annoying to listen to. Got told that I ‘ramble’ too much...”
She didn’t let him finish. “I enjoy your rambling, I always learn something and I just like when people talk about what they’re interested in. I’m thankful that you listen when I talk about my day or my problems with the crew.”
He pressed another kiss to her lips. Warm, familiar, safe, calm.
“Most thankful to learn how to love you.”
Shepard bit her lip, trying to hide the trembling. “Mordin...and I’m happy that I get to love you.”