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You wake up in the field screaming. You can still hear the crunch, feel the wetness of their blood splattering on you. You don’t think you’ll ever forget that moment. But thoughts don’t come easily to you right now. Your head is a mess of images of Bonnie’s begging for your help and crunch crunch crunch!
You don’t know how long you were screaming for. You don’t realize that you’re audible until Mirabelle comes running towards you.
“Siffrin!” There’s terror in her eyes as she leans over you. “What happened?!”
You cover your face in your hands, muffling your screams, but you can’t stop thinking about it, thinking about it, thinking about it.
The cold feeling of Healing Craft washes over you, and it’s enough to stop you. It’s enough to shock you out of your tantrum. You stare up at her with a wide eye. Your throat is raw. Healing Craft can’t do much for that. You stare up at her, and she seems to be in tears.
“Siffrin, what’s wrong?”
You want to laugh. How could you ever explain what happened to her. If she knew, she would be disgusted by you. Child killer. It might not have been your hand, but it was because of your actions. And not just any child. Bonnie. Your Bonnie. You loved Bonnie, and you killed them. Ha! You loved them so much, you wanted to be by their side when they returned to their sister and you killed them!
You’re disgusting.
Mirabelle is looking at you expectantly, but you can’t get a word out. Silently now, you get to your feet and start to run in the direction of the village.
“Siffrin!”
She runs after you, but there was no way she was ever going to catch you. None of them ever would. You were always the fastest. You bolted through the village. You think people might stare at you, but you just ignore them. You rush through to the left side of Dormont. There, across the working bridge, you see them.
“Bonbon!” Your throat hurts like you poured molten metal down in. Still, you yell. They turn, in shock, and you close the distance between you. You close all of it. You pull them tight to you. You’ve hugged before, when you helped them get stronger. They won’t remember it, but it happened. Even if it was erased, it happened.
Just like their death.
They struggle against you, but as small and slight as you are, it’s hard for anyone to escape your grip now.
“Frin! Why are you being weird??? Let me go!”
Their struggles are proof that they’re alive and well. You feel their huffy little breaths against you as they try to pull away from your chest. You hold them tight. Struggle is a sign of life. You know what you are doing isn’t good, but the idea of them moving away, of not being able to feel that they’re alive horrifies you.
You hold them there for what feels like forever, but can’t have been more than a few minutes, and finally release them. They push off of you and back up against the fence. There’s something in their expression now. It’s fear. Has… Bonnie ever been afraid of you before? You wonder what your face looks like right now.
“Bonbon…”
You shouldn’t call them that. That’s for when you earn it. And you aren’t earning it now, they’re afraid of you. Your gut clenches. You should loop back. You should… But you don’t.
Something about that nickname causes Bonnie to react. They furrow their brows and look you over. What do they see right now? You feel like a disheveled mess. There’s grass all over you and your eye is puffy with tears. You wonder if they’ve noticed the tears. When did you cry? Were you crying this whole time.
“...Are you okay, Frin? You look weird.”
Quick, say something, sooth their emotions. “I’m fine, Bonnie.”
There it is, a little hurt in their expression. They try to cover it with a question. “Why is your voice all rough?”
You touch your throat with one of your gloved hands. Do you sound scratchy enough to be noticeable? How long were you screaming for… A while. Mira never shows up right away. But she might have come sooner because she heard you. You try to hide your concern with a smile, but it’s not a very good one.
“I just ate something really spicy?”
Bonnie frowns. “No you didn’t, you liar! I’m the one in charge of food, and I know you didn’t get anything spicy from me! Besides, when Za gets all over spiced, he just sounds all chokey, not all scratchy!”
Ah. “No, no, it’s true. I had a hot pepper chocolate from the boulanger!”
“...I don’t believe you.”
Unfortunately, at the moment you don’t have much credibility with the kid. They are looking at you with the type of suspicion you normally only see from Odile. Stars, why couldn’t you have been normal, and acted like a normal person…
“You're all covered in grass and your hat’s all lopsided. You said you were gonna sleep in the field before. …Did you have a bad dream?”
You wish it was a dream. You can still here the crunch of bones as the king-
“Frin?”
Ah. You had shut your eye and shuddered at the memory. Ugh, why did you do that? Why can’t you be normal? Why can’t you act like normal? Smile and play your part, Siffrin.
“I guess I did.”
Bonnie seems to calm down at that. “Did something bad happen to me in your dream?”
You take a breath. Smile. Play your part. “Yeah, I guess. I don’t remember it very well.”
“That’s dumb. Why would you be all scared and grab me if you didn’t remember?”
They’re right, it doesn’t make very much sense. “I guess I only remember enough to know that I have to keep you safe.”
Their eyes flick to your eye patch and you see hurt on their face. …Why do you keep hurting them? Why do you keep making this worse?
“So you uncom-see-usly remembered something bad happened to me in your dream and came to get me? That’s dumb. Dreams aren’t real.”
But it was real. It happened. It was erased, rewound, it was like it never happened, but it did happen. You let it happen. All because you decided to talk to the monster that killed you and your family so many many many times. You should have known better. Because you thought you could reach an end that made everyone happy. Because you thought you could make it all work.
“...Bonnie. Maybe you shouldn’t come to the House tomorrow.”
The words fall out of your mouth before you can think. You see them jolt up, and you see the pain in their eyes. Their little fists ball and their expression flickers between pain and rage.
“What?! Just because you had a stupid crabbing nightmare??? You said I could come before!” They stomp their foot on the ground, clearly furious.
“You’ll be in danger.”
“I’ll stay in the back and handle tonics and stuff! I won’t get in the actual fights! You guys promised I could come!”
“What happens if a Sadness gets past us? What if we lose and the King-” Grabs you in his big hands and squeezes and squeezes and squeezes! Until you hear the bones crack, until blood starts to leak out from between his fingers. Until Bonnie stops wriggling. You want to puke. Just imagining it again, you want to throw whatever you had in your stomach at the beginning of the group all over the ground. You don’t. The bile stays in your throat, but you can’t force out another word.
“It won’t happen!”
Why can’t they understand?! “ It will! ”
Bonnie freezes and looks at you with big, scared eyes. You hate yourself for saying this. Five times already you’d made it to the end without Bonnie getting hurt at all. But as soon as it happened once, you wanted to ban them completely. And you knew it only happened because you were stupid. You were punishing Bonnie for your own actions. You know this, but you don’t think you could do it, go back into the House with Bonnie. If Bonnie stays in Dormont, they freeze, but at least they’re alive.
You steal yourself. “I don’t want you to come. You’ll get in the way.”
Fat tears start to gather in their eyes. They’re a second from breaking down when their gaze shifts to something behind you. They dart past you, so fast you can’t catch them. You whirl around with them and see three familiar faces. Mirabelle, Isabeau and Odile stand on the bridge, looking concerned. Mirabelle must have gone to each of them, trying to see if they had seen you. She must have been worried about you. But you are fine.
Bonnie isn’t though. They bury their face into Mirabelle’s arm, sniffling. “Frin says I can’t come to the House tomorrow!”
Mira blinks at you, inhaling sharply. “Siffrin? Why would you say that?!”
Odile furrows her brow. “That’s an awfully big thing to decide by yourself.”
“Sif? We all agreed Bonbon could come with as long as they stayed in the back, away from any battles. You can’t just change that without talking to us. Did something happen? You look a bit rough, buddy.” Isabeau looks you over. He steps closer.
You step back.
A stray carrot, one that should have been in the nearby barrel, happens to be where your foot lands. You realize a second before your foot shoots out from under you how familiar this feels. Your neck makes contact with the fence behind you.
Crack!
You wake up in the field screaming. You can still hear the crunch, feel the wetness of their blood splattering on you. You don’t think you’ll ever forget that moment. But thoughts don’t come easily to you right now. Your head is a mess of images of Bonnie’s begging for your help and crunch crunch crunch!
You leap to your feet, silencing your screams as you rush past Mirabelle. She turns to ask you where you are going, but you don’t stop or give her the time of day. You just keep running. You know where to go. Your body has done this so many times, the map of Dormont might as well be carved into your chest at this point. You spot Bonnie in the distance, but they don’t see you.
You scoop them up under your arm easily, and in the same action, jump over the fence and into the field.
“Hey, let me go!!!”
You don’t bother to answer them as you rush through the fields, for some reason very careful not to step on the carrots. You can’t remember why. You just keep going. Cutting through the field is the quickest way away from the House, away from the King, away from danger. You’ll take Bonnie somewhere safe, make sure they’re really safe, and then you’ll go back and fight the king.
Your brain is still filled with crunching, blood, and sugar. Your body begs for you to stop, to slow down. Even as you became stronger in the Houses, your body never got any stronger. You just learned to use it better. You were never slow or out of shape, but you don’t have the stamina to run forever. But you run pretty far before your mind catches up to you. Or rather, the creeping lightlessness of the King’s Curse does. Not far from Dormont now, the King’s Curse is waiting to interrupt you.
Idiot, of course there was nowhere safe. You freeze, finally stopping a few feet from the slow moving curse. There was a reason that people didn’t just flee Dormont. There was nowhere to go. No roads left for caravans. Why else wouldn’t people flee? Did you forget? Are you that stupid?
As you freeze, Bonnie finally manages to wriggle out of your arms. Until now, you’d kept their face pressed to your side, so they couldn’t really see where you were going, nor could they see who was carrying them. They look to you with a gaze full of anger and confusion.
“Frin?! What the crab was that about?!”
“Bonnie…” You answer in a horse voice, not realizing until now how the screaming has effected you. You reach out to them.
“No!” They step back.
“Don’t!”
It’s too late. Their foot make contact with the lightless grass. In an instant, their foot freezes to the ground. They don’t even have the time to turn. Their face is frozen is an expression of fear and distrust and you
You wake up in the field screaming. You can still hear the crunch, feel the wetness of their blood splattering on you. You don’t think you’ll ever forget that moment. But thoughts don’t come easily to you right now. Your head is a mess of images of Bonnie’s begging for your help and crunch crunch crunch!
To your feet. You run. You knock Mirabelle over as you race past her. She yells something after you. You don’t here it. East side. To the fields. There’s Bonnie. You grab them and jump the fence. You mind the carrots. You jump the far fence and just keep running. And you feel foolish when soon enough you run into the King’s Curse.
Where did you even think you’re going? Idiot, thinking he can outrun the Curse.
Bonnie wriggles out of your arms. It’s easy enough now that you’re stopped and you’re not holding them any tighter than you absolutely need to. Their anger twists into an expression of confusion (and still some anger) when they look at you.
“Frin?! What the crab was that about?!”
“Bonnie…” You answer in a horse voice, not realizing until now how the screaming has affected you. You reach out to them.
“No!” They step back. You’re faster than them. You grab the front of their shirt and toss them behind you, away from the King’s Curse. If they stepped back, they would have been-
They let out a tiny pained noise as they hit the ground. Now their anger is replaces with fear. Bonnie pushes themself up and to their knees, they look at you with fear, and you feel like a monster.
“Oh! Bonnie! Did I hurt you?” You move to help them, and they flinch away.
“Don’t touch me!"
You pull back, careful not to move any closer to the Curse than you have to. Bonnie is… Afraid of you. Of course they’re afraid of you. You just kidnapped them. Your only now just starting to process what you did. You grabbed them without permission and took them somewhere else. That is by definition kidnapping. But you wanted to take them somewhere safe. You just wanted to save them. You just-
“Wanted to save me?!” Huh. Did you… Say that out loud? Tears are gathering in Bonnie eyes as they look at you. “You wanted to save me again?! I wasn’t in any danger!!!”
“The House-”
“We weren’t in the House yet, you crabbing dummy!!” They pulled themself to their feet, and you notice there’s a small, bloody patch on one of their hands, which they wipe on their pants.
You monster.
You hurt Bonnie.
You hurt Bonnie!
You
Hurt
Bonnie!
You freeze, Bonnie doesn’t. “I was perfectly safe!”
“I can’t let you go to the House!” A fearful desperate plea escapes you. You can’t think, you can’t move. You look at the blood on their pants and think of the same dark blood seeping through the King’s fingers.
“Yes I can! I won’t be in danger-”
“You will!”
Tears fall from their eyes now. “And what are you going to do? Take me somewhere safe?! Hide me away like a child?! There’s nowhere safe!!! If we fail, I freeze anyway!! There’s nowhere safe, so I want to come!!”
“And what if you get hurt?! I just want to protect you!”
They sniffle. “What will you do? Give up your other eye?! Your arms?! Your legs?! Your crabbing life?!! I don’t- I don’t want that!!! I don’t want you to get hurt while I’m safe!”
“I can’t keep you safe! Not on the battlefield! Not in the House! I can’t, so please!”
“Find somewhere to hide? Run away again and let you all get frozen like Nille?!” They squeeze their eyes shut and clench their fists. “I hate you Frin! I hate you! I hate you!”
They turn and run. You go to follow them, but all the strength has left your body. You fall to your knees and watch Bonnie disappear into the distance, back to the fields, back to Dormont. You do nothing to stop them. You do not move. Not at the King’s Curse creeps ever closer. You sit and stare until you can’t see them anymore, and them you stare some more.
No matter what you do, you are going to hurt Bonnie aren’t you? You monster.
Something cold touches your foot.
You don’t scream this time. This time? You… Have this vague feeling that that you woke up screaming before. Your throat feels raw and your body feels cold. All you can remember is the King and Bonnie, the screaming, the blood, the crunch. You whimper.
You put your hands to your eyes and press down. You want to cry, but no tears will come out. Bonnie… Died. Bonnie died. It’s a new loop now, and Bonnie should be okay. They have to be okay. They’re fine. You’re fine. They’re fine. You’re fine because they’re fine.
But it still happened.
You still let it happen. All because you thought it was a good idea to negotiate with the monster who has killed you and your friends so many times. You thought you understood him. You thought that you could pity him. If you understood him, if you spoke to him, he would turn over a new leaf. You thought it would save you. That was the real reason you did it. Not because you pitied him. Not because you thought he deserved to be forgiven, but because you thought it would save you. You’re so selfish, Siffrin.
Bonnie paid for it. Bonnie who didn’t want to accept that you wanted to forgive the King but only did because they couldn’t do anything to stop either you or him. Bonnie who had never been in any real danger as long as you didn’t try to show sympathy for a murderer. You press your palms harder against your eyes. You want to tear your remaining one out of your skull. It’s what you deserve. Your eyes exist to pay the price for protecting Bonnie. You want to laugh. You press, and press…
“...frin!”
You press.
“Siffriiin?!” It starts out normal but her tone because panicked as she realize what you were doing to yourself. Worried hands go to your wrist and pull your hands away. She’s about as strong as you, and manage it. You only fight her a little. You peak up an eye, and everything is dark. You close it again.
“What were you doing?! You’re going to damage your eye!”
Good, you deserve it. You can’t answer her. Not properly. Instead something involuntary comes out of your mouth. “Bonnie…”
“Oh! Oh, no, Siffrin, Bonnie is safe, it’s okay!” She sits down beside you now. “We’re in Dormont, Siffrin. Is your bad eye hurting you? Did you have a dream about… How it happened? About when the Sadness attacked Bonnie?”
No, but that’s the most reasonable way to explain the situation. “...Yeah.”
“I’m sorry. This is my fault. If I knew how to heal eyes injuries, you would still… If the Headhouse Maiden was here instead...” Great, now not only did you get Bonnie killed, you made Mirabelle feel guilty.
“You kept me alive, that’s more than enough. I don’t mind losing an eye.” You would lose the other if it meant that Bonnie, and everyone, was safe.
“...You really should. Sometime you make me very worried, Siffrin. I-I know you’re an adult, and strong, and that you were fine by yourself for years, but sometimes you say these things and I can’t help but worry.” You hate worrying Mirabelle. She shouldn’t have to worry over someone like you.
“I’m fine, Mira.”
“Are your eyes okay? You were pressing down really hard.”
You try to look at her. She’s all blurry and the world is too dark. “I’m fine.”
“...How many fingers and I holding up?”
“Four?”
“I’m not even holding my hand up. Siffrin! Let me, just… Is it okay if I touch you for this?” You nod. You wish she didn’t ask permission. She doesn’t have to be delicate with you. She places a hand over your eyes and you feel the sensation of Healing Craft. You close your eye and hope she managed to heal it. Otherwise, well, there is a banana in town.
“Is that any better?” You look to her. She’s blurry, but it’s no longer so dark. You nod to her.
“You’re not holding up any fingers.”
She sighs. “Siffrin... I wish you would be more forthright with your injuries. I shouldn’t have to worry about you like this.”
Like a child, when the group already has a child to worry about. You flinch. You wish you weren’t like this. You try to be someone they never have to worry about, but in the end, you just end up slowing the group down. You don’t mean to. You do it anyway. It’s your nature.
“Sorry…”
“...It’s okay, Siffrin. But, I am worried that you might hurt yourself if you wake up from a nightmare like that again.” She’s unfortunately right to worry. You know for sure now that you can’t keep this loop.
“So, you’re saying that you’ll… Keep an eye on me?”
“Siffrin!”
You smile. She seems to relax a little. “As Odile would say, if I’m well enough to make puns, I’m well enough to work. Hey Mira, I was thinking about having a sle-”
You try to get up mid sentence, and a wave of dizziness hits you. You fall back over. Dizzy? Why are you dizzy? That healing should have fixed any damage you did… Something you get a little off kilter after a big healing, but that couldn’t have been that big. …Eye injuries take a lot of energy to heal though.
“Oh! Siffrin! Are you okay?” Mira moves to your side, crawling across the grass.
“I’m fine. I think that healing took a lot out of me.”
“Hmm… Maybe you should nap a little more?”
“Maybe…” Great… You really can’t sleep anymore. If you slept, you know what you would dream about. But you’re also aware that you aren’t going to be getting up any time soon. Guess you’re stuck here.
“Do you want me to stay?” She looks a bit nervous, asking this. You… Do want her to stay. You don’t want to be alone. Not right now. You wish you could sit under the stars with her, like you did with Isabeau, and just chat for hours.
But you don’t ask for that. Because you can’t. Because that’s not how this goes.
“And just watch me sleep? I think you’d be bored. Though, I guess you could sit here and look at your papers.” You know she won’t. She doesn’t want you to know what they say, unless you clearly already know.
“Wah! How did you know about those?!”
Oh. Right. You haven’t seen her with them yet. “I saw you get them out earlier.”
“Really? But… Maybe I did look at them.” It’s painfully easy to convince Mirabelle of something she didn’t actually do. You feel a little bad. “I could do that, I guess. But… They’re, ah, private, so…”
“Don’t worry about it. I’ll just be napping.”
“Hmmm… I still feel bad leaving you alone. Well, I mean, if you’re sleeping, you won’t look at my papers, right?”
Oh. She… Actually wants to stay. And you know you should refuse her, but you don’t. Because you love her, and you want to spend time with her. It’s stupid, but, you think you need someone right now. You want to see Bonnie more than anything but… You look in their direction.
“...Do you want me to get Bonnie?”
You jump. She noticed, and it’s a little obvious with what she thinks you were dreaming about. You should say no. “Yes.”
She smiles sweetly. “I thought so. I figured you’d need to see them after a nightmare about the incident.” She gets to her feet. “I’ll go get them. Try not to fall asleep before I get back.”
“I’ll make an effort.” You have no intention of sleeping.
Sooner than expected, you hear big boots coming down the path. Bonnie walks so heavily. It’s easy to hear them from quite a ways away. They look… Sad. Oh. You made both Bonnie and Mirabelle sad! You’re the worst!
“...Belle says that you had a nightmare about the Sadness that took out your eye, and that you wanted to see me.” They don’t look you in the eye.
You confirm the lie. “Sort of.” This was a lost loop, just say it! “I dreamed that… I wasn’t fast enough. That I froze, and couldn’t move, and that you got hurt instead.”
“That’s dumb. That’s not what happened.” They still won’t look at you.
“And dreams aren’t real.”
“I guess… One time, I dreamt that my sister stole my breakfast, and when I woke up I got so mad that I wouldn’t talk to her until she apologized.”
You force yourself to smile at that story. “And even though I knew that it was a dream, I wanted to see you. Just to be sure you’re safe.”
They put their arms out. “Can you see me? No injuries.” Your eyes linger on their hand for a minute. You don’t know why. “...How come you dreamed about that anyway? You haven’t had nightmares about it in weeks.”
Nightmares that they know about. Ask Isa and it would be a completely different story. “I guess cause I’m worried about you getting hurt in the House.”
“That’s dumb. Dile says I have to stay in the back so I won’t get hurt.”
“But, what happens if a Sadness comes from behind?”
“Then I’ll hit them with my frying pan and run.”
“And what if there’s a Sadness where you run? Or what is we all get frozen by the King and he goes for you?” Your voice falters on the last example. It’s too close to what happened. No, it’s exactly what happened. You all got frozen, and then Bonnie-
“Then I’ll hit the dumb crabbing King’s hand with my frying pan, and run!”
“But what if you can’t run?!”
“I can’t run from the Curse either!!”
“But if you get frozen in time, at least we can bring you back when we defeat the King! If you die, there’s nothing we can do! I can’t let you die, Bonnie!” Not again, never again.
“I’m not going to die!”
You don’t want to have this conversation with them, but you know they’ll over hear it later anyway. “Bonnie, you know that there’s a good chance that not all of us with make it out of the House tomorrow. We’re all going in, prepared to die, but nobody, not a one of us, is prepared for you if you die.”
“...That’s stupid! How come you all can die, but I can’t?!”
“Because you’re a child, and you’re more important than any of us! I know you don’t like it when we say this, but you’re more important! Any one of us would die for you!”
“I don’t want you to! I don’t want to die, I don’t want you to get hurt!”
Then stay here, you want to say. But you know that will never happen. You know you can keep Bonnie safe, as long as you follow the script. Don’t divert from it. Never, never choose a path again where Bonnie could be hurt. Don’t talk to the King, don’t think he can be anything by a monster, and keep Bonnie safe.
“I know. And… I’m stronger then I was back then. I can keep myself safe, and keep you safe.” You recite lines you know will get a favorable reaction.
“...You promise.”
“I promise.”
“You super promise?”
“I super promise.”
“You super duper promise!”
“I super duper promise!”
Bonnie smiles. They move closer to you, sitting in front of you now but they’re so careful not to touch you. You… “Hey Bonnie. Is it okay if I hug you?”
They perk up. “Yeah!”
You pull them into a hug. They’re so small. You’re still scared, scared of them getting hurt. You breath slowly, in and out, and can feel Bonnie unconsciously following your breathing pattern. “Promise you’ll stay in the back, and not get hurt.”
“I promise!”
“Do I need to make this a super duper promise?” You smile, a little more honestly now. It’s easier to breath, when you know Bonnie is alive and well, and you can feel their breathing.
“All my promises are super duper promises by dee-falls!”
“Default.”
“Default!”
You let them go. They smile at you. Your relationship feels a little warmer now. Not quite like when you go training with them, but some of the tension has left the air. You wonder if they still hate you. This is a lost loop, there’s nothing to be gained here, but you long for when your family really and truly loves you. You’ll love them. You’ll always love them. And you’ll never forgive yourself for letting something happen to Bonnie.
You should go looking for the banana peel soon. Nothing good can come from this loop now. But, for now, you want to spend time with Bonnie. You’ll cherish these memories, even if you know in your heart you’ll soon forget them.