Chapter Text
Mamoru can sleep through almost anything. Almost.
What he can't sleep through are the sounds of Yuuto's laboured breathing against his neck as tears fall on his collarbone.
What he can't sleep through anymore are the sounds of haphazard water splashes as artificial light shines blindingly on the hallway floorboards. And he can't get back to sleep when the bed is two thirds empty and mumurs slip under the bedroom door that Yuuto pulled closed on his way out.
He wants to tell them he knows. Knows that his choices are a large part of why none of them can sleep at night. Of course he isn't so arrogant as to think he's the only reason, but the fact he's contributed to their collective trauma in any way is damning enough, and he wants to make amends.
But he doesn't say anything anymore. He can't. Because as time went on Yuuto would pull away quicker when he felt Mamoru stir awake, and would turn to tremble into his pillow instead.
And when he tried to get up and join the other two the first time he heard them in the living room, something in him kept him frozen with his ear pressed to the door.
A garbled string of words were punctuated by heaving, deep breathes. The same breathes Shuuya takes when he's trying not to cry.
"....a stone. I just can't unsee it."
"Mm, there are a lot of things burned into the backs of my eyes, but that was true nightmare fuel." He just knows Yuuto was pinching the bridge of his nose as he spoke.
At the surface, the guilt of what he's caused burned in the back of his throat and his eyes as they talked.
But simmering beneath, as they exchanged all of the moments they remembered of him getting hurt, the memories of his own suffering began to sting on his palms and ache in his shoulder joints.
He wouldn't be of any help to them - not like this.
Feeling his chest constrict and a heavy fog weigh down on his mind, he had trudged back to the bed and turned his back to the door.
He didn't want to make them worry about him anymore than they already have, so when they came back 45 minutes later it took every fibre of his being not to react to their warm touches and little comments.
"He really can sleep through anything, can't he?"
'Almost', he used to think. 'Not anymore' is more accurate now.
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For Mamoru, sleep is something he does purely out of necessity - not because he enjoys it.
As a kid, the reason for that was simply because it got in the way of playing more football. It wasn't even that much of a drag once his dreams were filled with the game.
But as an adult, especially after their encounter with time travel, he would like nothing more than to do away with sleep altogether. After all, the only thing left to chance now is not whether he'll dream or not, but rather which nightmare he'll have.
Will he return to the age of 14, watching his school crumble to pieces before his eyes? Or will he see his best friends turning away and leaving him with scorn and purple light shining in their eyes? Admittedly, these are some of his tamer options.
Maybe he'll be stood in that eerie room with Ishido Shuuji, begging the shell of the man he loves to bring back everything they once knew. And when he's pushed up against the wall, those arms he wants to be held in make him feel more trapped than safe.
That dream tends to morph and change before he wakes up. Straight, green tips become chestnut brown dreadlocks, and when he looks into those piercing red eyes he sees distrust. Sometimes, those eyes won't meet his and it makes soemthing in his heart ache and yearn for their focus.
"We couldn't trust you, Mamoru."
He would gladly take Ishido Shuuji's aggression over Yuuto's hesitation in him any day. It fills him with a disgust in himself so deep and so painful, it has kept him pinned to his bed all morning before.
These days, he dreams of silence and the vast expanse of nothing that was all he knew inside that stone. He can see his hands, feel his clothes hanging off his body, but he doesn't feel quite real.
This is the worst nightmare.
His body buzzes with a need to move, a need to get back to those he loves. Tenma and Fei and his team need him and yet they are out there fighting for him when they shouldn't have to.
He's lonely.
He misses the touch of the two men he has built a life with for the last ten years. Ten years learning Yuuto likes a firmer touch, but Shuuya likes feather-light fingers - especially in his hair. Eight years of Yuuto being comfortable at pulling him in whenever he wants a hug, and six years of Shuuya giving him the best mind-numbing massages he never even thought possible.
He misses them so much, and he has nothing to distract himself from that.
But they must be moving on with their lives by now. Sure, maybe they felt lost without him at first, but by now they must have learnt how to live without him. He doesn't know how long it's been, but it feels long enough to be forgotten.
Eventually he wakes up from his solitary confinement, but he knows what is waiting for him on the other side.
Sleep paralysis.
A body that won't move but eyes that dart frantically around the room. His whole world is around him again, but he can't even breathe in, let alone reach out to them.
He can hear footsteps around the apartment but he knows they aren't real, because he can hear Yuuto and Shuuya's soft breathes beside him.
Although it could be their breathing that's the illusion.
His brain struggles against the confines of his muscles before he breaks free explosively like a bull let out of it's cage.
He wheezes and grips at the bed sheets around him and reminds himself he has a corporeal form. The hiss coming from the ground confirms this for him as he realises he has kicked Yuuto off of the bed again.
Despite his ability to move he lies deathly still for a second, taking stock and gathering himself. Once he's confident he isn't about to cry, he croaks out an apology into the early morning and looks apologetically at Yuuto as he stands and climbs back into bed.
"It's alright. Was it a nice dream at lea-
He cuts himself off as he notices the keeper's quick and heavy breathing.
"More of a nightmare then?"
"I'm sorry!" He blurts out in a panic.
Shuuya rises from his side having given up on getting back to sleep to mumble "What for? You can't control your dreams."
The two of them look at him with so much patience and attention, but the bags under their eyes are a stark reminder that he doesn't deserve this from them.
He drops his shoulders and ducks his head.
"I'm sorry I woke you both up. I know you both struggle to sleep as it is."
The two share a look. "What do you mean?"
"I know you both have plenty nightmares of your own."
Shuuya shifts uncomfortably and Yuuto sighs, getting up to pull up the blinds and let the morning light through. As he twists back to look at them the light behind his head makes him look ethereal and authoritative.
"Alright you two, I guess it's time we talk."