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"You know that I don't like to say goodbye
I didn't know that we were out of time
I'm sorry that I couldn't save your life
So I walk, yeah I walk"
Claire sat at his bedside, her head resting on his chest as he took his last breath.
She hadn't expected their time to be over before it had even begun.
Though neither had he, she knew that.
Yet life is what happens while you're busy making other plans and they had wasted too much precious time, attempting to hide or deny their feelings. Still trying to make sense of them, both of them contemplating if they could and should confess it all after she finished her residency. Whilst they had been wondering, silently creating and painting pictures of a future together in their heads, life had run interference in the form of an earthquake and in mere seconds everything had changed.
Had they known their time together would be cut short, they would've spent the moments they’d shared together differently.
Now they were faced with saying goodbye, crying tears of regret over unfulfilled dreams of a future that simply didn't exist anymore and, like sand, was slipping through their fingers.
Death was a regular part of their day to day, not being able to help every single patient.
This was different.
Claire was never completely detached from her patients. But this was Neil, he was her friend, her mentor. And he could have been so much more, if only they had more time.
She knew Neil didn't blame her but Claire felt like she had failed him nevertheless.
She had been so focused on a possible head injury that she had dismissed the injury to his abdomen. She'd known he hadn't been as fine as he’d made out but she hadn't pushed harder in the crises that had surrounded them. Knowing how stubborn he was she had decided to follow his lead to help Martha instead, who was stuck under a beam. The only option they had was to perform a difficult and risky surgery on site, which included her making a cell-saver out of a beer engine. They saved Martha's life against all odds.
But she couldn't save him.
She had done everything she could, had been right with her concerns about the usual surgery. They had opened him up, found the source of the bleed, and had used all their skill and expertise to repair the damage to his bowels. But it wasn't enough. They were too late.
She felt guilty. Sad and devastated, too. But the guilt was most dominant, rushing through her veins, like water down a canyon.
He'd argued that he was just in the right place at the right time, but she was convinced he saved her. She had been struggling after her mother's death, spiraled downward and nobody had stopped her. Morgan covered for her, making her return the favor by pawning off work on her later. But when it felt like everything came crashing down, Neil was the one who was there for her. He'd supported her and without him she'd possibly just have gone back to her unhealthy ways of coping -- too much alcohol and meaningless one-night-stands.
He'd saved her just by being there and she couldn't return the favor. Her best wasn't enough to save him.
Even in combination with Lim and Glasman. They saved so many patients, some of which they were about to give up on. They lost some, too. But overall they saved more patients than they lost, especially the difficult cases. But they couldn't save one of their own.
So, she had walked into his room to say goodbye and confess her feelings for him. And the fact he felt the same way about her made it all so much more painful than it was anyway. Not only would she lose someone she loved, but also the chance of a future together.
"I go to pick the phone up every day
And imagine conversations we would say
But I'm always hanging up the same way
And I walk, yeah I walk"
She calls his number every night before she goes to bed.
She knows he won't pick up, but his voicemail answers every time, the announcement he had spoken, telling her to leave a message after the beep, her only way of still hearing his voice now.
She never leaves one though, always hanging up after the tone. She thinks about it, wonders if he'd hear her voice leaving him a message wherever he is.
She doesn't believe in God, never believed there was anything after death. But she needs to believe he's still somewhere or she thinks she might go insane. The idea of no trace of him, his existence removed without a trace is too much.
And every now and then she thinks she can feel his presence. When she's working a particularly difficult case or when she's just overcome a challenge. She knows he's watching her somehow. She feels it in her bones. Feels it like she’d sometimes feel his eyes on her when she was sitting in the lounge and he was in his office.
But leaving him a massage would be a bit too much and she wonders if whoever gets his number in the future would be able to listen to them. And she doesn't want that.
She's afraid of the day his number is passed on, leaving her with nothing but her slowly blurring memories of him.
"In the house where the heart don't cry
Dancing in a silver light
And I'm dreaming of you tonight
I miss you all the time"
Sometimes she likes to listen to that song.
She puts on Ed Sheeran's Perfect and sways to the rhythm by herself. But she closes her eyes and thinks about that night at the hospital, dancing with a prom king.
She treasures the memories of that night, they have a special place in her heart. Somehow missing her own prom isn't important to her anymore. But having that prom with Neil by her side, allowing their patients to make these memories, giving Brian that moment with Angie that he will remember the rest of his life… It was so much more important and meaningful than what her own prom could have been.
Those evenings, when she listens to that song, she ends up dreaming about him.
Sometimes it's the memories of that night. Him asking her to dance, dancing with him and then a few days later when he offered her to go running together. She's very aware that that moment was the start of their friendship, and everything it became. The first seed of something so much more than anything she had ever experienced before.
Other nights her dreams are more images of what could have been. They're dancing to the same song, but she wears a different dress, one far more elegant than what she wore that night at the hospital and Neil is wearing a tux that makes him look even more handsome than he always did in his suits.
Angie and Ryan aren't there, but most of the hospital staff are and they're cheering for them. The first time the dream confused her a bit. Then she realized: she thinks that's what it would have been like if they had gotten married. She thinks if they had gotten a chance, that's where they were headed.
She never considered marriage something she needed. But she knew Neil wanted to get married and have kids. Somehow the idea of all that didn't seem so scary with him by her side
When she wakes up in the mornings after those dreams, she misses him even more. Still, some evenings, after an extra long shift, she can't help but seek the comfort of their song and the memories of dancing in his arms.
"All the stars are calling out your name
Ever since you went away
There's no sleeping you off my mind
I miss you all the time
I miss you all the time"
Some other nights, she can't sleep. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night, not from dreams of what ifs or good memories but from nightmares. The memories of the earthquake hunting her in her sleep, when she can't control her thoughts.
After the earthquake that was most nights. Thanks to Dr. Malkin, it doesn't happen as often anymore. But it still does.
She knows it's normal, a traumatic event like that leaving emotional scars.
So when she’s yanked out of her sleep like that she knows trying to find it again is hopeless. The fear of another nightmare, along with those heartbreaking memories, occupying her mind and the adrenaline pumping through her veins. So she makes herself a cup of tea and grabs a blanket to sit outside. Looking up at the night sky and all the stars, it feels like Neil could be one of them. Maybe a particularly bright one, looking down on her. She thinks he'd be proud of how she's doing.
After his loss, she needed some time but she found stability in her life now. Remembering how he was there for her after her mother died helped her. She goes running on their track, she still talks to her therapist regularly and she's not pushing all the hurt away like she used to.
But no amount of running and therapy can really erase the loss she's feeling and how much she still misses him. In those moments looking at the stars and imagining him there is the best she can do not to break down crying.
"I know that you were only passing through
In a moment you were lighting up the room
There will never be another like you
So I walk, yeah I walk"
She visits his grave on a regular basis. Sometimes with Audrey Lim.
When they do, they bring a bottle of his favorite Whisky, pouring three glasses.
But usually she's alone. She likes it that way.
While being with Lim and supporting each other is great, sometimes she just needs some time with him for herself.
She always brings fresh flowers for him and lights a candle.
His family had picked a beautiful stone, one he would have liked. She met them at the funeral. She hadn't talked much to his parents but seeing his sister Gabby so heartbroken was more than she could bear. Most likely because it was mirroring her own pain, raw and unfiltered.
She had talked to Gabby for a bit and learned that she had absolutely loved and adored him. He had lit up her world just like he had Clair's just by being there for them.
She knew Neil hated that he didn't have more time to visit his sister, he had told her one night when they were running. Claire had talked about her messed up family and asked him about his. He shared about his sister and how he loved his parents but a part of him never got over them giving her away. Even if he knew, rationally, it was the right choice.
He told her of Gabby’s love for puzzles and drawing and that she is a warm and welcoming person. He’d said she and Gabby would get along very well. Before she could respond, he followed it up with a joke about how they would gang up on him and he couldn’t have that.
Looking at his stone, she thinks that nobody gets to choose how much time they're given. But everyone gets to choose what to do with that time. She hopes she spends hers equally as good as he did, and that she will also be remembered as someone who helped light up people's worlds in their darkest moments when they need it the most.
"And I try to keep my eyes up on the road
And remember all the stories that you told
But I'm sorry that you'll never grow old
So I walk, yeah I walk"
She goes to therapy twice a week. Working through the pain of his loss is hard. But, of course, losing him brings up feelings of her mother again and how her dad was never really in the picture.
She wonders if she's doomed to lose everyone she cares about, everyone close to her.
It takes everything in her to not push her friends away. Or push them away even further, due to Covid the term close is more relative.
But she's working on herself and focuses on helping everyone else. Or trying to, at least. COVID is a new way of learning that she can't help everyone, no matter how hard she works. Just like she couldn't save him.
Still she does her best, pushes through the long hours and tough shifts. And she goes the extra mile to make sure the families of those who don't make it get something to remember their loved ones by. Because she knows better than anyone how important it is to have something that you can attach the memory of someone to. That you can see and touch and think of them when you do.
She remembers Neil by everything he taught her, inside and outside the hospital and she hates that he's not there with her during this time. That he won't grow old and gray and wise, and won’t be there through all the tough times that will follow. That he won't teach her more of what he knows and doesn't get to learn more from her and what she knows. They had really learned from each other and they were better for it.
"In the house where the heart don't cry
You're dancing in a silver light
And I'm dreaming of you tonight
I miss you all the time
All the stars are calling out your name
Ever since you went away
There's no sleeping you off my mind
I miss you all the time"
On some days it's all too much.
She walks through the hospital and everything she sees reminds her of him.
The elevator, where she tried to convince him, the fake femur - which Shaun insisted wasn't fake- was her brilliant idea and he told her, flattery was "also brilliant".
The nurses stations where they stood so many times. Discussing treatments. Where he told her he was her superior and she had to act like she's wrong, even when she's not. And then winked at her.
The same place where Shaun caught her unintentionally flirting with him.
The Balcony… they stood there quite a few times together - not always by happenstance. Looking out over the city to catch their breath in the midst of the chaos of the hospital. Hoping the clearing their heads will bring the right idea. In a way, it had become their spot over time.
The lounge.... They spend hours and hours there, discussing cases and approaches, test results, surgical plans and treatment options.
The same place he told her not to wait for the right time. An advice she took once - with Dash- but should've taken twice.
His office, right next to it, of course. Where he told her she made him better, leaving her completely shocked and unsure how to respond, practically fleeing - mostly surprised about the feelings it brought up in herself.
She can still hear his voice in her head.
And then, of course, room five. Where they spend the last moments together. Where he made a joke about her terrible bowling skills to put a smile on her face when she was already crying, which she countered with a comment about his tattoo before she couldn't hold it in anymore and said "i love you" and he said "i love you, too".
Then she comes home, energy drained from holding herself together all day to provide the best care possible for her patients and still everything reminds her of him there.
She sees her guitar and remembers how he asked her if she'd play for him sometime. She had said some day she just might, and now he'll never hear her play.
She does play for him sometimes, but he's not actually there to hear it.
The medical journal on her table which had featured an article about him and a surgery they did a little while back. With a picture of him next to the article, smiling at the camera, confident as he usually was.
She remembers the day the picture was taken. They had set up something in the lounge to take a proper picture. Claire had walked in, making a silly joke, just to tease him, about how he really didn't need the ego boost. It made him chuckle before telling her how one could never have enough of that.
And the very moment he smiled at her, right behind the camera, that was the picture the editors ended up using.
The whiskey on her shelf she had brought, just in case he came to visit her some time. They had talked about him teaching her how to cook a bit. Something simple enough, something that wasn't pasta with ketchup.
He'd teased her endlessly that between all the things she was good at, cooking and bowling were two things she just couldn't do. It was all in good fun but at some point she told him if he was such a good cook, he should just teach her.
She had seen the sparkle in his eyes, probably a comeback about teaching her at the hospital was enough on the tip of his tongue. But he'd swallowed it and told her he'd love to do that instead, warmly smiling at her.
And, of course, his Stanford sweater.
The last time they had been running together she got cold as they chatted some more before going their separate ways for the night.
Instead of telling her to go home - she suspected he wasn't ready to say goodbye yet, just like her- he'd offered her his Standort sweater that he'd kept in the car to put on afterwards. He said he wasn't cold and he'd rather she doesn't catch one. They chatted for almost another hour, before saying goodnight. They both had to be at the hospital early the next morning.
She was gonna wash it before returning it to him, but hadn't gotten around to it before the earthquake hit. When she came home from the hospital afterwards, she had immediately pulled it from the laundry basket in her bedroom.
It still smelled like him.
Sometimes she puts it on, when she misses him a little bit more, but never too long, so her own scent won't cover his.
Maybe she should have given it to his family, ask them if they wanted it, at least.
But it's the one thing she has that was actually his, the only physical evidence he was a part of her life. So for once she was selfish and just kept it, not able to stand the idea of giving it up.
She goes to bed trying, hoping to fall asleep and escape all the memories that bring up all the what ifs, but it's no use. She thinks about him, and of course he visits her in her sleep and in her dreams and for a moment she almost believes everything is as it used to be.
When she wakes up to her empty bed, reality hits her like a bucket of ice water. She can't outrun the memories, although sometimes she thinks she needs to but then she also wonders if that would be like forgetting him all together, and he deserves better than that.
"Yeah
Oh oh oh oh oh
I miss you all the time
Oh oh oh oh oh
I miss you
I miss you
I miss you all the time"
Too often she wonders if things could have been different, if she had been at the brewery that night, too.
Maybe she could have saved him, if she had been there and seen how he got hurt. Maybe she would have figured it all out faster, talked to him and gotten him to the hospital sooner.
She missed her chance to save him when she first got there and let him convince her he was okay. And now she's missing him.
She wishes she could turn back time, do it all over again.
Even though she knows it's not her fault, a little part of her can't help but blame herself. She thinks she should have listened to her gut, should have pushed harder, even if it probably would have been futile. Neil was as stubborn as her, and then some.
He wanted to help others and they did. Together.
Martha lived to enjoy her life with her wife, Noreen. They had also both been at the funeral and expressed their gratitude to Claire for all she and Neil had done. They had been shocked to find out Neil had died of injuries he suffered that night.
It didn't seem fair, the price he had to pay to save his patient. That his family and herself - as well as the extended family at St. Bonaventure - had a part of that price to pay, was even more unfair.
"In the house where the heart don't cry
Dancing in the silver light
And I'm dreaming of you tonight
I miss you all the time
All the stars are calling out your name
Ever since you went away
There's no sleeping you off my mind
I miss you all the time
I miss you all the time
Yeah, I miss you all the time"
She misses him so much but she's also grateful for the time they had together, for his friendship and the memories they made together. She knows she's a better person for all those things. He made her better, just like he told her she made him better and she will carry him with her until her last breath.