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ever since diluc returned, he’s been trying in vain to have a conversation with his brother. a futile attempt, as every time he gets too close, diluc finds a way to avoid him. kaeya can count on both hands the number of times he’s visited the angel’s share during one of the man’s shifts, only for any attempts at small talk to be completely and utterly ignored. he was scarred and morose, not at all like the flaming bright boy he’d grown up with.
all of the messenger pigeons he sends out to the dawn winery get sent back within the day, the letters attached left in pristine condition without any sign of having been opened. every visit he pays to his childhood home is met with adeline politely yet firmly shutting the door in his face; its a miracle that he was able to convince her to accept that hideous vase and with it, diluc’s vision.
its like she’d forgotten the many years she’d spent playing, scolding, and taking care of him. he could barely hold back his tears at the sight of her face, strictly professional and without a morsel of the motherly affection he’d grown so used to.
he had taken the hint slightly after that. his birth father left him. crepus was dead. diluc and adeline had abandoned him. the time they’d spent together, gone.
he’d taken the hint, and turned to his wine cabinet. he gathered as many bottles as he could in his arms and staggered into his bedroom, collapsing into a kneel against his bed and starting to dig around for something in his bedside drawers. a practiced motion. his already bruised knees dug painfully into the hardwood floor.
he eventually found what he was looking for and sagged back to lean against the bed frame. as he sat there, surrounded by countless bottles with his sharpest blade in hand, he wondered how much diluc would appreciate what he was about to do.
perhaps he’d jump for joy, or maybe even click his heels in delight. the mental image made kaeya laugh a little deliriously. whatever diluc did when he found out, he was sure he’d be overjoyed. no more having to avoid the annoying traitor constantly pursuing him. he hated kaeya.
the chime of his grandfather clock broke him out of his drunken stupor and he remembered what he had to do. he lifted his blade with a shaking hand, not from fear, never from fear. but first, he dropped his weapon in favour of a swig of liquid courage. he wasn’t scared. the wine sloshed and escaped his mouth, spilling over his chin. he wasn’t scared. his trembling was because of nothing more than coldness.
with no excuses left, he lifted the blade to his wrist. it was poised to strike downwards, vertically so that it would end up at the crook of his elbow. his arm was marred with scars, from battles fought both internally and externally. his greatest achievements in a painfully average life.
he didn’t remember pressing the edge to skin, but he must have done it since red was now spurting out of the wound. inspecting his work, he decided that he hadn’t gone deep enough and sliced another angry gash into the white-pink of his dermis. the little bits of fat he still had bubbled up to the surface in yellow, bean-looking pieces, soon painted scarlet by the fountain of blood he’d created with his arm. a small but growing puddle pooled at his leg and stained his clothes as he carved out a piece of his fat layer and let it fall through the gap between his thighs.
already feeling slightly dizzy, he did the same to his right arm. this cut was more shaky, his left being his non-dominant hand, but the yellow beads and red spray made their appearance in one swipe. it was done.
he dropped the blade and leaned back to gaze at the ceiling, wanting to laugh but too weak to do so at how it distorted and swirled with the grey in his peripheral. to think this was how he went out, alone and intoxicated on his bedroom floor. he had no regrets, even if the puddle was seeping into his bones and freezing him from the inside out. the unpleasant sensation of his prominent bones against the hard floor fizzled and tingled out slowly, though the cold remained. that was fine, he decided. it would all be over soon.
the body of kaeya alberich was found three days later.