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Look, Etho had been trying very hard to not get his feelings involved. Very hard.
It was difficult, though. Especially since Joel was so... Joel.
At first glance, you'd think he would have been the perfect guy to have this whole friends-with-benefits situation with. Annoying, insensitive, avoidant. There should be no possible way to get emotionally involved with that kind of person. Etho could go on for hours about all of Joel's flaws.
The problem is that he could also go on for hours about, well, all of Joel's not-flaws.
Joel was funny. Really funny, actually. Smart, too, in some strange, roundabout way. He always remembered everything Etho told him. And brought takeout whenever he came over. He always knew exactly what to say. And listened to all his complaining. Occasionally, he could even be nice.
Etho kind of hated it. Why couldn't Joel have stayed the asshole Etho had thought he was?
Now he had to deal with this. "This" being his heart nearly hammering out of his chest every time Joel so much as looked at him, and the nervous giggles he can't seem to stop no matter how hard he tries, and the perpetually sweaty palms, and the flaring jealousy in his chest that he could never ignore, and—
The list goes on. You get the gist.
This was bad. Especially bad, considering Etho had been the one in the beginning to remind Joel over and over again how neither of them could catch feelings.
All those precautions were for nothing, clearly, because Etho had gone and fallen in love with the guy.
Well, not love. It wasn't love. It wasn't. Because someone like Etho couldn't be in love with someone like Joel. It didn't make sense.
So, no, it wasn't love. Some weird crush that felt eerily similar to love, sure. But not love.
He can't believe he's the one who messed up. He was so sure he would be able to keep his emotions out of this one.
It was just hard, okay? Especially when Joel smiled at him like that and looked at him like he was the only person in the world.
No one had ever looked at him like that before.
Don't get it wrong, Etho had been with other people before. Obviously. He'd even been in love before.
But with Joel... it all felt new.
No one had ever listened to him like he did, as if no matter whether he was talking about his thesis for a new paper or about how rude the cashier at Walmart had been, it was all just as interesting.
No one had ever been as thoughtful to him as Joel was. Bringing him his favourite food when he was sick. Remembering how to calm him down when he was anxious or panicking. Asking about things that he had only mentioned offhandedly before.
And sure as hell, no one had ever kissed him like that. Hot and desperate and needy, like it had been all he'd been waiting for the entire day.
Etho would've been able to handle all that, though. He would've gotten over it eventually. Probably.
But today was Valentine's Day. And Gem had somehow got it into his head that he should spend it with Joel.
This is how he ends up at Joel's front door with a box of chocolates.
The box of chocolates was just to be polite, okay? He wasn't even going to bring it at first — it was leaning precariously into actually-dating territory. But Gem had practically shoved it into his hand and, well, Joel loved chocolate, so it couldn't hurt.
He had noticed, on his way to Joel's, that it was the wrong kind of chocolates. Milk chocolate. Joel detested milk chocolate (he was strange like that, Etho had learned).
Obviously, that wouldn't work. If he was going to give Joel chocolates, he may as well do it right.
So he'd dropped by the store Gem had gotten it from and exchanged it for white. In hindsight, while he was there, he probably could've just returned it. That wouldn't've felt quite right, however.
He knocks on the door twice, heart irrationally pounding.
Joel opens the door. He stares at him, like he's surprised to see Etho here. He clears his throat. "Hey," he says. He looks around. "Did we- did we have plans today?"
Etho's face feels a little like it's on fire. "No, it's, er. Well," he starts. He sighs, shaking his head, and just holds up the box of chocolates. "Happy Valentine's Day."
Joel blinks. "What?"
"Today's Valentine's," he says, as if it's not already obvious. "I brought you chocolate," he says, again, as if it's not obvious.
Joel smiles hesitantly. Which, hey, better than no smile at all, right? "Thanks," he says, voice lilting up at the end as if it's a question, not a statement.
Etho nods, which feels idiotic almost as soon as he does it.
"Do you want to, like, come in?" Joel asks him. "I was just watching a movie with Jim and Grian, but I can kick them out if you want."
Etho wavers. "If you're busy, I can just go," he says.
Joel shakes his head quickly, which makes Etho's chest feel warm. For some reason. "It's Valentine's, I can't leave you on your own. Besides," he adds, "you brought me chocolates. How am I going to finish these all on my own?"
Etho makes a face. "I'm not touching it. It's all white chocolate. Gross."
His face lights up. "That's my favourite," he tells him excitedly.
I know. "So have them all," he says instead.
"Hey, I'm not going to argue with that," he says, grinning. He opens the door a little wider. "You coming in or what?"
Etho hesitates. "I wouldn't want to intrude."
Joel rolls his eyes. "Shut up," he tells him. "Just come on, would you?"
Etho doesn't need any more convincing. "Okay."
Joel grins that crooked grin that Etho likes so much. Seriously, how was he supposed to not fall in love with that grin?
(Not that it was love. It was just a saying. There are no proper synonyms for fall in love that didn't include the word love.)
Etho lets Joel drag him into the bedroom, where Jimmy and Grian are laying down in front of a laptop with a paused movie on it.
Jimmy groans when he sees Etho. "Again, Joel?"
Etho raises an eyebrow.
"Shut up, Jimmy," Joel says, crossing his arms. "Both of you get out of here."
Grian frowns at him. "I was enjoying that movie," he informs Joel as he shoos him out.
"Then we'll finish it next week," Joel says impatiently. "Come on, out."
Once they're both gone, door shut behind them, Etho turns to Joel. "'Again?'" he asks, quoting Jimmy. "What does that mean?"
Joel shrugs, getting on the bed. "They're used to it, I guess."
Etho pauses. "Used to what?"
"Me kicking them out for someone," he says nonchalantly.
Etho really does try to ignore the sudden jealousy he feels. But he clearly makes a face or something, because Joel rushes to defend himself — not quite in the way Etho was hoping, though.
"Don't worry," Joel says immediately, "they do it to me too. Probably more, actually. So they've got no right to be complaining."
"Okay," Etho says, trying to keep his mind off of... everything. He sits down on the bed next to Joel. "What were you watching?"
Joel looks slightly embarrassed. "You can't make fun of me."
"No promises."
Joel sighs. "The Notebook."
Etho wrinkles his nose. "I've never heard of that."
Joel's jaw drops. Literally drops. "You've never heard of The Notebook?" he says like he's personally offended by Etho's lack of film knowledge, despite the fact that he had been embarrassed by the movie seconds earlier.
Etho shakes his head. "Is that the one with Ryan Reynolds?"
Joel glares at him so menacingly that if Etho didn't know better, he'd think he had just threatened to murder him and his entire family. "Ryan Gosling."
"Oh."
"We're watching it," Joel decides. "I'm putting it on."
Etho leans back, amused. "Weren't you watching it with Grian and Jimmy?"
Joel waves it off. "I've seen it a million times, it's fine. So has Jim, actually. Only Grian hasn't watched it before."
"Looks like me and him have something in common."
"Yeah, well, I'm fixing that right now," he says, pulling up some illegal site on his laptop. "Get comfy, it's pretty long."
Etho pulls the blanket up over himself and adjusts the pillow behind his back before glancing at the clock. "Isn't it getting kind of late?"
Joel pauses. "You don't want to stay over tonight?"
Oh. That's new.
Etho usually didn't stay the night whenever they hung out. Usually being never, actually. Which was fine, cool, it made sense.
But now Joel was offering. And it was Valentine's Day. And Etho would be an idiot to say no to spending it with him.
"Sure," he says, clearing his throat. "I'll stay over."
"Cool," Joel says, and is Etho imagining it, or is he blushing a little? Funny. Etho didn't really think of Joel as the blushing type. "Do you want to, like, change?"
"Change?" he asks blankly.
"I mean, yeah, you're wearing jeans," he says. "We're pretty much the same size. You can just grab something of mine."
"Okay," he says, trying to keep his voice steady. "Where, uh—"
"Second drawer over there," Joel says, already knowing his question before he asks it, like usual. Sometimes Etho wondered whether Joel could read minds or something. More likely, he just knew Etho that well.
Etho stands up and walks over to the closet, grabbing the first things he sees. He's all too aware of Joel's eyes on him.
"You just gonna stare at me?" he teases him lightly.
"Nothing I haven't seen before," Joel winks, making Etho's face burn.
Bastard.
When he turns around, though, Joel's facing the other way, doing something on his phone that Etho can't quite see.
Joel blinks when he sees Etho. "That shirt's a little..."
"Don't say a word," Etho warns him, crossing his arms over his chest defensively. "It's not my fault all your clothes are tight."
He shrugs. "They're not tight on me. Besides," he adds, looking Etho up and down once, "it's not like I'm complaining. You look good."
Etho shivers. Legitimately shivers. What is wrong with him?
Etho sits down, taking a look around the room. On the desk, there was a pile of chocolates and teddy bears and other Valentine's Day related things.
Joel notices his staring and shifts uncomfortably.
"Got a lot of presents," he says, trying very hard to sound casual and not like he wanted to crush a soda can with his bare hands.
"One of them's from Jim," he says defensively, like that makes a dent in the frankly obscene amount.
"Right," he says, and takes literally all the restraint in his body to not ask who else sent Joel these very romantic gifts.
"You're the only one who actually got what I like, though," he says suddenly. "White chocolate."
Etho feels a rush of (extremely juvenile) pride. "What about Jimmy?"
Joel rolls his eyes. "He got me dark chocolate because he knew I wouldn't eat it. Idiot," he says fondly.
"I should've done that," Etho teases. "Now I'm stuck here with nothing while you've got a whole box to yourself."
"Take a couple of those boxes," he offers, nodding towards the desk. "It's not like I'm going to be eating them."
Etho stills. "You sure?" Something about this feels weird. He's not quite sure what yet.
"Very," he nods. "Seriously, take them."
Etho shrugs and does, opening up the best looking one. He sits back down next to Joel. "I don't understand how you hate these," he says, voice muffled due to the chocolate unceremoniously shoved in his mouth.
Joel makes a face. "Gross. Did no one ever teach you to close your mouth when you chew?"
Etho sticks his tongue out at him, snickering when Joel gags.
"Okay, okay, I'm starting the movie now," Joel says suddenly. "You need to pay full attention to this."
"Aye aye, captain."
He rolls his eyes. "You're such a dork."
"Says the one forcing me to watch a movie just because he's in love with Ryan Gosling."
Joel shoves him, making Etho laugh. "Shut up," Joel tells him. "This is also the perfect movie to watch on Valentine's Day, by the way."
"Right," Etho says, scrolling through the reviews on his phone. "Is this, like, a super sad movie or something?"
"Stop looking for spoilers," Joel says, snatching the phone away. "Just sit back and enjoy. No distractions." Etho opens his mouth to protest but Joel cuts him off. "That means no phone, no trying to kiss me—"
"That's pretty presumptuous," Etho interrupts. Joel glares at him. "What makes you think I want to kiss you?"
"It's Valentine's Day and you're in my bed," he says, matter-of-fact. "And you always want to kiss me."
Etho doesn't argue. He's right.
"I will do my best to pay attention and not kiss you," he promises.
Joel grins and plays the movie.
Etho stares at the screen in horror as the final scene ends.
Joel snickers at his expression. "I want to take a picture of you so bad right now."
Etho scowls, rubbing at his eyes. No, he was not crying, shut up. "That was sad, Joel."
"It was," he agrees, putting an arm around Etho's shoulders in a way that's probably meant to be comforting.
"Why would you say it was the perfect Valentine's Day movie?" he says, tone accusatory.
"It's cute!" he argues.
"Yeah, maybe for like the first twenty minutes," he shoots back.
"The entire time," he insists. "Can you imagine loving someone that much, to, like, stay with them like that for so long?"
Yes.
Whoa. Where did that thought come from? He shakes his head, clearing his mind.
"It's sad, Joel, just admit it."
"I'd rather die," he says, yawning and curling up next to Etho. "Can you turn the lights off?"
He does. He'd probably do anything Joel asked him to.
(Wow, that's... broad. Anything? Anything? It's true, which is the part that makes him nervous.)
Joel wraps an arm around his waist like it's the most normal thing to do and not at all making Etho's heart beat extremely erratically.
This is starting to lean into dangerous territory.
Joel leans up and presses a sloppy kiss to the side of his mouth, slightly off-center, light and affectionate.
Very dangerous territory. More-than-just-friends-with-benefits-territory.
"Night, Etho."
"Night, Joel," he says, voice wavering only slightly.
When he wakes up that morning, Joel is still curled up beside him, head on Etho's chest and snoring softly. His heart warms at the sight.
Maybe this is love after all.