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Matteusz is wondering where it all went wrong.
He’s lying on his side, watching Charlie.
It all started out alright. The two of them were high on energy and, quite frankly, extremely horny. Quill once again isn’t home, so it all worked out for them. They went to the bedroom, laughing and kissing and undressing each other.
But at one point, the winds changed.
One moment, Matteusz was being kissed by his boyfriend, and the next, the warmth was gone and Charlie had rolled off him.
Matteusz waits for Charlie to say something. He doesn’t want to push, but he’s very confused. He watches Charlie. Charlie looks a bit upset and tense, but it’s not a panic attack.
“… Charlie?” he says and slowly reaches out.
“No,” Charlie just says.
“Okay,” Matteusz says back and stops reaching out.
“I mean, yes.”
“Okay?” Matteusz can’t hide his confusion, “Touch. Yes or no?”
“Yes,” Charlie answers certainly, which reliefs Matteusz.
“Do you want to talk?” Matteusz asks.
Charlie moves his head so that he faces Matteusz.
“I just really, really like you.”
That makes Matteusz smile.
“I really like you too,” he says back, but to his surprise, this only makes Charlie frown.
“No, you don’t. Not really.”
Matteusz tries to suppress a sigh. Is this still about all the stuff during detention? That was weeks ago, but Matteusz can understand that it takes longer than that to accept that Matteusz said that he’s sometimes afraid of Charlie, and everything that happened afterwards doesn’t help.
“Charlie, we-”
“It’s not that,” Charlie cuts him off, understanding what Matteusz is trying to say.
“Okay?” Matteusz is confused again, “Then why don’t I like you?”
“You like… this!” Charlie’s still lying on his back, but he moves his hands around in weird movements. Matteusz tries to understand what Charlie is saying.
“Okay?” Matteusz repeats.
“This. This ‘Charlie’ and this body and this… façade!”
“I already know you are alien,” Matteusz says and he aims for light-heartedness, “Do you want to tell me again?”
“No!”
“Okay.”
“I mean, yes!”
“Déjà vu.”
“I’ve just been thinking about this ever since we helped April disguise herself as human,” Charlie laments. April is still in a body of the Shadow Kin, but they found a way to make her look like herself. That’s the solution for now, while everyone tries to find a way to save her. “But we all know she isn’t human… anymore…”
“I do not follow.”
“I’m not human.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean, I don’t look like this.”
Oh.
Matteusz looks at Charlie’s body and it has never occurred to him that this was a disguise as well. This is Charlie. This is all he’s ever known. And by now Matteusz knows that there are enough aliens that look human (or maybe humans look alien, who knows), so he never questioned it.
Right.
“Charlie Smith is a name and a body, basically assigned by the Doctor, to make me blend in,” Charlie sounds frustrated, “And I don’t mind, really, because I’ve found out that the human body is quite neat, and Charlie Smith is apparently a very basic name, but it is mine now, but it wasn’t always like this.”
“Then what is the problem?” Matteusz asks. He’s happy to hear that Charlie is genuinely content with this life.
“I just, if we are together- I love you. I want you. I feel like you should know the truth.”
“I know now.”
Charlie huffs out some air. Huh. Air. Does he actually need it?
And Matteusz slowly gets why Charlie is so frustrated, because it’s true that Matteusz doesn’t know these things. Did Charlie have another name before? He must have. And if he’s Rhodian, what does that mean for his body? Charlie once said that his heart is close to his abdomen, but Matteusz thought that he meant it metaphorically.
“You can show me, if you want,” Matteusz says, “If I do not know you, I want to know.”
After a beat of silence, Charlie nods.
But-
“Close your eyes.”
“Charlie-”
“Close your eyes, Matteusz.”
So Matteusz does. He doesn’t understand why he has to, but he does understand that this is a big moment for Charlie, so he wants to make him comfortable. He even flips to his other side, so Charlie knows he cannot peek.
Charlie’s side of the mattress dips. Charlie’s become heavier. Does he even change size?
“Okay,” Charlie says after a while. It’s still the voice Matteusz knows.
Matteusz flips back, with his eyes still closed.
“Okay?” he asks, to be sure.
“Yes,” Charlie says.
Matteusz slowly opens his eyes and-
Well.
He doesn’t know what to think, to be honest. He tries not to look too shocked, since he doesn’t want to upset Charlie even more, but this is definitely not something that Matteusz expected. Charlie has flipped to his side, so that Matteusz can see it all and it’s a lot.
The best (and probably worst) way to describe Charlie is “fishy”, as in, he makes Matteusz thinks of a fish.
He’s still humanoid. Matteusz can see a face with eyes and a nose and a mouth. Charlie has hair on his head and it’s blue for some reason. His ears are pointed. His chin has an interesting shape as well. It has spikes. There are arms and legs. Hands and feet. The proportions are a bit different, but they’re all there.
His eyes are the same, though. They’re Charlie’s eyes.
But his skin… it’s grey with dark blue spots and it looks glimmery.
“Can I?” Matteusz reaches for Charlie’s face.
Charlie nods.
Matteusz expected Charlie’s skin to feel rough, but on the contrary, it’s incredibly soft. It’s weird, to be honest. It’s soft, squishy and gooey. Matteusz is afraid to put too much pressure on it, because he doesn’t want Charlie’s skin to suck up his hand. He isn’t even sure that can happen, but it just reminds Matteusz of those slimey toys.
Only Charlie’s spiky chin feels rougher.
Matteusz slowly moves his hand from Charlie’s cheek, down to his thick neck and shoulders, and then to his hands. They’re webbed, which doesn’t help with the fish comparison. Matteusz can no longer interlock their fingers and for some reason that thought really upsets him, so he moves down even more to Charlie’s hip and upper legs. It’s all the same gooey feeling. He cannot reach further down without having to reposition himself, so he rests his hand on Charlie’s tight.
If it’s called a tight.
After all, Matteusz is comparing this body to Charlie’s human one.
“Hello,” Matteusz says.
“Uh. Hi?”
“My name is Matteusz.”
“Charlie,” Charlie says back, “Or actually-”
Some inhuman noises come out of Charlie’s mouth. Matteusz’s eyes widen. He also did not expect that.
“Could you repeat?”
Charlie does and Matteusz tries to register it, so he can try saying it, but it sounds too unfamiliar. He can’t comprehend it. It doesn’t sound as a language to him, and he’s used to speaking and comprehending a completely different language than his own.
“You cannot speak it,” Charlie says, sensing Matteusz’ confusion, “Rhodians can reach tones and other sounds that humans cannot. I would know. I also cannot do it when I am in my human body.”
“But you can speak human now.”
“Human language is just very basic,” Charlie says and luckily, he smiles. Matteusz is able to see Charlie’s teeth. He still has teeth. Matteusz expected them to be sharp and scary, but it’s close to human teeth.
“We are basic,” Matteusz says back, “But if you are in human body, are your thoughts in Rhodian?”
After all, Matteusz’s thoughts are always in Polish, since that is his language. That’s the best way he expresses himself.
“Yes, because my mind is still the same,” Charlie explains, “And my mind understands Rhodian. Yours doesn’t.”
“Can I learn?”
After all, Charlie is learning Polish and it means a lot to Matteusz.
“I actually don’t know. I do not have a human mind.”
Right. Yes.
Of course, Charlie’s mind has never been the same as a human one. It’s another thing that sounds so obvious in hindsight, but Matteusz had never thought of it. He knows Rhodians have other beliefs and thoughts, but of course they don’t have to process them as humans.
Speaking of minds, this is mind-boggling.
“So. What do you think?” Charlie asks eventually.
Matteusz doesn’t know. It’s weird. It’s incomprehensible. It’s uncomfortable and unsettling in a way. Charlie’s Rhodian form is exactly what Matteusz would describe as ‘alien’. Charlie isn’t a silly green guy with a big head and completely black eyes, but it is so different.
When Matteusz imagined Rhodia, he always envisioned Charlie looking as human, and all the other Rhodians and Quills as well. Matteusz’ entire view of Rhodia is warped around right now. His entire view of Charlie has changed.
Matteusz rubs his thumb on Charlie’s new tight and it feels wrong, if he’s being honest.
And he’s scared.
Fuck. A part of him is shocked and scared. He’s already been scared of what Charlie can do and what Charlie can want. He doesn’t want to be scared of the way he looks too!
But that is also because this is unlike anything he’s ever experienced. It’s not a simple culture shock, which is what he experienced when he moved to England. This is completely, totally, different and weird. And if Matteusz is having this uncomfortable reaction towards Charlie alone, he can’t imagine how it must’ve been for Charlie to immigrate to this planet with all these human bodies around him.
“It is different,” Matteusz says.
“Ah.”
“But I can get used to it,” he adds.
That’s what Matteusz hopes, at least. He wants to try. It feels wrong, but only because it goes against everything he’s ever known. He just has to adjust his beliefs. He’s been doing it ever since prom, ever since he found out aliens are real. He can keep doing it.
Matteusz puts his other hand on Charlie’s body as well, which makes Charlie gasp in shock.
“Okay?” Matteusz asks, to be sure.
Charlie nods.
“You can touch me too, if that makes it less weird.”
“I already know every part of you.”
“Still.”
So that’s what they do. It feels a bit awkward. They’re just touching for the sake of touching. Matteusz finds more spiky parts between the gooey parts.
“Tell me if I do something wrong,” he says, because he also cannot comprehend how it must feel for Charlie if someone were to, for example, rub over a spike.
“I will.”
Matteusz takes it all in. It really is overwhelming, but also good. At one point, he can’t help himself. He cups Charlie’s spiky cheeks, which feels really weird, and kisses him.
Charlie is taken back and moves away.
“Okay?” Matteusz asks.
“Yes,” Charlie says and his cheeks turn an indigo shade, “Just didn’t expect that.”
Matteusz kisses Charlie again. These Rhodian lips aren’t soft at all. They’re hard as well, as if Matteusz is kissing concrete. It’s weird and unsettling, but Matteusz can also get used to this. He’s kissing Charlie, and that’s enough for him to love this. It’s Charlie, the alien boy he loves and Matteusz decides that he really loves all of him.
Matteusz tries to roll them over, with Matteusz on his back and Charlie on top, but Charlie stops him.
“No. I am way, way heavier now,” Charlie explains, “I would crush you.”
“I do not want to be crushed.”
“That’s what I thought,” Charlie says with a smile and leans in to kiss Matteusz again. They keep kissing and kissing and kissing and yes, Matteusz really can get used to this. It might take a while, but Matteusz wants it to be okay, so it will be.
Matteusz wakes up. He didn’t realise he’d fallen asleep, but he did. Charlie is sitting at his desk. He’s still his Rhodian self, and he’s wrapped some towels around him.
“Charlie?”
Charlie startles and looks back over his shoulder.
“Hello, sleeping beauty,” he says.
“Did you… shower?”
Charlie looks down.
“Oh. No. Rhodians wear the same kind of clothes as humans, but none of my human clothes fit me. It’s too weird to be naked, so this is second best.”
Matteusz props himself up on his shoulders.
“Do you no longer have your old clothes?”
Charlie shakes his head.
“It’s fine. They were royal garbs. I don’t think I ever had a chance to develop my own style, so I don’t miss them. I like my human clothes way more!”
It still saddens Matteusz a little bit. Apart from that cursed Cabinet, Charlie really had nothing. And the Cabinet… well… they all know what happened there.
“Does it bother you, that you had to change totally?” Matteusz asks.
Charlie did say he was fine with it, but Matteusz can’t help but wonder. Every time he hears stories of people who forcibly and unexpectedly had to leave their homes, his heart aches. His family willingly left and had time to plan what to take with them, and he still misses parts of his previous home a lot.
Especially now that he got kicked out of that new second home as well. Maybe he should find the courage to at least go back and get his stuff.
“It’s… okay,” Charlie says quietly, “It is sad and I wish it didn’t happen this way, but it did. I am Charlie now.”
“Did you choose the name?” Matteusz had never wondered this before.
Charlie shakes his head.
“No, as I said, the Doctor did. He said Charlie is very simple and he named me Smith after this friend of his,” Charlie explains.
Ah yes, the mysterious Doctor. Matteusz now lives in his house and he’s never spoken to the Doctor directly.
“It is an easy name,” Charlie says, “So to make it easier to blend in here.”
It’s definitely easier than Singh, or Adeola, or Andrzejewski.
“And I know I can change it if I want to,” Charlie continues, “That’s what the Doctor told me. Humans can change names freely.”
“I suppose,” Matteusz says. Even if it won’t easily be changed on paper, it can always be changed in everyday life.
“But I don’t want to change it. I choose Charlie as my name. And this body-” Charlie extends his arms and looks at them, “-is mine, but so is my human body. It’s actually quite nice that I can change so easily. It’s nice that I can be Charlie when I want to be. Or when I don’t want to be the sad Rhodian prince whose entire species got murdered. I can just be an ordinary Coal Hill student. But it is also nice I can show you this.”
“I don’t mind,” Matteusz says and he means it.
If Charlie wants to walk around his own house as a Rhodian, then he can. Quill is barely home these days. Now that Charlie no longer owns her, she’s not forced to live here. She only lives here because it’s easy and she’s pregnant, but Matteusz knows she’s trying to find a new way in freedom.
And it’s also really nice to be alone with Charlie. It’s definitely helped them reconnect after everything.
“Do you think the others wouldn’t mind either?” Charlie asks Matteusz.
“If they have problem, then they will have a problem with me,” Matteusz says.
“Really?”
“Yes. I love you. All of you.”
Charlie smiles and turns indigo again.
“And I love all of you too.”