Chapter Text
You’ve been sitting at your desk for at least an hour, possibly an eternity, since lunch (let’s…drop that), just staring at your mountain of paperwork. It seems to shapeshift and grow into the vast Corpus Mundi, and it looms over you, a mere speck.
CORPUS MUNDI STACK OF PAPER- What makes you think you could possibly overcome my heights?
You look away, rapidly clicking the pen on your hand, giving it an occasional twirl for variety.
JEAN VICQUEMARE - “God, Harry, will you shut up with that fucking pen?”, he shouts from his desk. You hear him mutter something more under his breath, but you know better than to try to make it out.
You toss the pen across your desk, listening to it rattle across the linoleum tabletop and thump against the Corpus Mundi Stack of Paper.
YOU - Why can’t you just do it? What is so fucking hard about picking up a pen and filling out a form. Maybe Jean is right, you’re a no good shit who’s better off dead.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Mmmm. It’s so difficult, but there’s always speed. Yes, speed always helps you with work and you’ll come out the other end proud of achieving the insurmountable task of whittling Corpus Mundi down to sea level.
CORPUS MUNDI STACK OF PAPER - Whittle me down? The magnificent Corpus Mundi? The tallest mountain in all of Elysium? Psssh. For every form he fills out, he gets 5 more. Even speed can’t fix that ratio.
VOLITION - No. They’re just pieces of paper. You don’t need drugs to overcome a stack of paper.
DRAMA - But you do! Some of the greatest works have been completed on pieces of paper. Shakespeare, Mozart, how do you think they were able to create timeless works of art on mere pieces of paper if it weren’t for drugs, sex, and alcohol, baby? Where would your beloved Dick Mullen be without drugs?
JEAN VICQUEMARE - Jean walks over and slams a thick file of papers on the treacherous Corpus Mundi Stack of Papers, compromising the stability of the already impressive structure.
INLAND EMPIRE - It might as well be in space now. You’re going to need a spacesuit to provide enough oxygen in order to complete this task.
JEAN VICQUEMARE - “Get on it, shitkid.” He glowers at you then storms off.
You simply stare through the Corpus Mundi Stack of Paper, eyes glazed over, focusing on what you swear is a hole forming from within the stack. Maybe you need to build a church around it to contain the nothing before it consumes you.
INLAND EMPIRE - Contain the nothing? You are the nothing…
VOLITION - This is a simple case of executive dysfunction. You’ve overcome it before.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Yes, with the help of speed.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success] - Executive Dysfunction is the inability to plan, prioritize, and carry out tasks. Common in those with ADHD, executive dysfunction often affects the-
YOU - Wait a minute, ADHD…I’ve heard of that before.
ENCYCLOPEDIA [Medium: Success] - Yes, ADHD stands for Attention-Deficit/Hyperactive Disorder. Individuals with ADHD often-
YOU - Wait…Do I have ADHD?
VOLITION - It has been used to describe you, in fairly unserious and degrading ways, before, yes. But you haven’t officially been diagnosed.
YOU - Should I be diagnosed?
CONCEPTUALIZATION - Diagnosed? Harry, what good would a diagnosis do you? What do you think will happen when a shrink slaps the term on your forehead? That you’ll magically be cured? No, it takes work. Actual work to overcome all that comes with ADHD and the piece of paper that labels you as such.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - I agree. What good’s a piece of paper when we already know what works? Speed.
YOU - I thought people completed works of art on pieces of paper?
DRAMA - Well, yes, but not without help. Pieces of paper don’t magically become great.
CORPUS MUNDI STACK OF PAPER - I’m great. Simply because I exist. And I grow greater and greater by the day.
YOU - Maybe I should seek actual help?
RHETORIC - All a diagnosis would do is prove to everyone that you are, in fact, a certifiable piece of shit, now verified by a genuine Dr.
CONCEPTUALIZATION - Everyone already knows this. The ADHD label will only provide proof to their claims. Evidence that there is, in fact, something very wrong with your brain.
VOLITION - There’s a lot of stigma around ADHD. That doesn’t necessarily mean it’s true.
DRAMA [Formidable: Failure] - But it is. You are lazy and incompetent. You can’t even get yourself to brush your teeth half of the time.
INLAND EMPIRE - Images of your apartment flash through your mind. Stacks of half-empty take-out containers strewn across the floor, a sink full of dishes with some questionable slime growing out of the drain strainer, hair clippings scattered in your bathroom sink, a mattress without a frame or sheets and some highly questionable stains.
CONCEPTUALIZATION - You’re pathetic. Worthless. Why do you need a diagnosis to confirm what you already know about yourself?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It’s all a moot point anyway. You know what they give to those with ADHD? Speed. It’s all a scam. Why do the runaround to get what you already have right here in the back of your drawer.
ENCYCLOPEDIA - Technically, they don’t give you speed, although it is within the same family of drugs -
SUGGESTION - Just shut up and take the speed.
You look around the office. Everyone seems preoccupied. You slowly open your bottom desk drawer, careful not to shake around the variety of pills within it. Technically, everyone knows you’re on antidepressants and whatever other concoctions of shit Gottlieb prescribes you. You could easily just grab the little orange bottle and swallow a pill and no one would bat an eye, but the bright ʻPREPTIDE!’ label is practically shouting that you’re sure someone will notice what you’re up to.
COMPOSURE - You’re making things worse. Being sneaky about it assumes suspicion. Just take it.
ENCYCLOPEDIA - Technically, that’s the prescription speed I was talking about earlier. It’s not actually illegal.
VOLITION - Sure. If you have a prescription for it. Of which you don’t.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It doesn’t matter. Just take it already. Let’s get the juices flowing, baby.
INTERFACING [Medium: Failure] - You grab the orange bottle and try to click it open. In the process, your hand slips and the cap pops off, pills flying everywhere.
“Shit, shit, shit,” you cry out softly, getting on your hands and knees trying to spot where all the pills went.
You glance around and see some of your co-workers, including Jean and Kim looking at you.
“Ha, sorry! Just taking my regularly scheduled antidepressants. Don’t mind me!”
There’s a few eye rolls as people turn back to their desks and conversations, Jean’s eye roll comes with a scoff and another complaint under his breath that sounds a little like ʻfucking idiot’. Kim keeps his gaze on you, though.
EMPATHY [Medium: success] - He’s trying to determine whether he should come and help you.
YOU - Oh god, please, no.
You bring your focus back to the floor to avoid making eye contact. Kim sighs and turns back around to his desk.
Luckily, most of the pills spilled within the drawer. There’s still about a dozen of them scattered around the floor. You pick them up, one by one, and place them back into the little orange bottle. You’ll leave the ones in the drawer for now.
You grab two orange pills from the bottom of the drawer then head over to the bathroom.
PERCEPTION - You notice it’s empty as you walk over to the farthest sink. You dry swallow the pills and hover your mouth under the faucet, gulping water to wash them down. The water feels refreshing on your chin and cheeks and you decide to wash your face. You look up in the mirror and slightly jump in surprise, thinking someone spotted you, then droop down in relief after you realize, oh, it’s just you.
MIRROR - Pathetic. Pull yourself together.
You slap at your face a few times, roughly shaking your head simultaneously and proceed to put on the Expression.
MIRROR - Better…
The Mirror mumbles something else, but you choose to ignore it.
You shoot yourself two finger guns then proceed to walk out of the bathroom.
You practically skip down the hall. You know, the Expression’s not so bad. You know what they say, fake it til you make it. That Corpus Mundi Stack of Paper’s got nothing on you now. You’re a man on a mission. You’re a mountaineer, an astronaut. No, an entroponaut!
INLAND EMPIRE - You’re gonna demolish those papers so hard, you’ll expose the Pale from within them. That’ll show everyone. You were right about everything. The hole, the nothing, the end of the world, that bureaucracy is evil. “If only you didn’t do your paperwork!”, they’ll all say. Then everyone will throw their stacks of paper onto the hole on your desk and you can build your church around it, and maybe, just maybe, you can put the hole just enough into submission that the inevitable nuclear holocaust will never come. You’ll be a hero. You’ll be remembered for all time as the one who stopped the end of the world by getting rid of paperwork! Mazov would be proud.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry?”
You stop in your tracks. Kim is standing right in front of you. His hand is on your shoulder.
PERCEPTION [Easy: Success] - He was physically stopping you from steamrolling right through him.
DRAMA - You are being touched by a god and your idiot self didn’t even notice because you got trapped within the funhouse that is your own brain.
Before you can revel in the moment, he quickly withdraws his hand.
You visibly sulk at this. “Oh. Kim. Sorry, didn’t see you there,” you manage to grumble out.
KIM KITSURAGI - “I noticed.”
You just stand there looking like a deer in the headlights. He’s just staring at you, his expression unreadable.
VOLITION - Say something. Anything.
SUGGESTION [Medium: failure] - You open your mouth and nothing comes out.
HALF-LIGHT - You’ve been caught in the act. Freeze.
Your mouth is still hanging open, your body a statue. It’s as if you’ve been captured in marble in a candid mid-sentence moment. Kim slightly squints and furrows his brow at you.
EMPATHY [Medium: Failure] - Oh my god. He knows. He knows you took speed. He’s disappointed. He’s angry. You’ve ruined everything. He was your only friend and you’ve fucked it up.
VOLITION - Calm down. Let him speak first before we jump to any conclusions.
You realize you’ve been standing there frozen with your mouth slightly agape and close it quickly and shake it off. Luckily for you, he’s used to your abrupt malfunctions and takes this as his cue to lead the conversation.
KIM KITSURAGI - He shuffles his weight from one foot to the other and brings a fist up to his mouth to clear his throat.
“Khm. Harry?”
He pauses.
PERCEPTION [Easy: success] - He called you by your first name. This is personal.
EMPATHY [Medium: success] - This is difficult for him. He’s feeling vulnerable. Just listen.
YOU - Ok, ya. You can do that. You can listen. All that entails is not opening your mouth. Maybe you all can get to work distracting me so I don’t say something stupid.
VOLITION - Harry, LISTEN.
KIM KITSURAGI - “I just wanted to tell you that…I’m sorry I snapped at you. Earlier today.”
YOU - You tilt your head in confusion. “Huh? Earlier?”
KIM KITSURAGI - Kim furrows his brow but quickly undoes it, returning to his usual stoic expression.
COMPOSURE [Medium: Success] - He is trying to maintain his composure but you can tell he is distraught at the thought of having to clarify what “earlier” means.
“Yes. Earlier. At lunch.”
“Ooooh, yeah, lunch!” you chuckle, “I forgot about lunch,” you say as you kind of stare off at nothing in particular. You actually had forgotten. Well, more like you chose not to remember. You can’t even remember what you were doing 5 minutes ago before Kim stopped you.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - I remember. Speed.
YOU - Ah yes, speed. Oh SHIT, speed.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes, lunch…”
“Lunch,” you slowly nod a few times.
KIM KITSURAGI - He is getting visibly annoyed at the situation, worried he’s caught you in another loop.
REACTION SPEED [Medium: failure] - Quick, fix it!
“Lunch, lunch, lunch,” you mumble, mostly to yourself.
PAIN THRESHOLD - Please say something else…
CONCEPTUALIZATION - Do you remember lunch? Where everyone expressed their hatred of you?
VOLITION - That’s a bit harsh. No one actually said that.
DRAMA - They don’t have to explicitly say it for you to know it’s true.
LOGIC - Preeeeetty sure Jean implied it when he said he’d be happier if you were dead.
DRAMA - See?
VOLITION - Hmph.
PERCEPTION [Easy: success] - Kim has an eyebrow raised at you and has started tapping his foot.
EMPATHY [Easy: success] He’s not annoyed, but he is on edge.
AUTHORITY - Tough act for someone who did wrong enough to apologize.
VOLITION - Harry. You’re losing him. You need to say something.
“Riiiight! Lunch,” you bellow, a little too loudly, startling Kim, but only briefly. “Ahhh, Kim, it’s ok. It’s not like what you said was wrong or anything,” you look down at your feet, shuffling them awkwardly. “It’s fine. Really.”
Kim’s expression softens as he scans your face.
COMPOSURE [Formidable: failure] - You don’t want him to know it actually really hurt, but the burning in your throat and the gloss over your eyes are betraying you.
EMPATHY - He doesn’t deserve to see that.
SUGGESTION - You don’t even deserve this apology. You can’t think of why you’d ever deserve an apology from someone like Kim.
KIM KITSURAGI - “No,” he states with finality. “I shouldn’t have said those things. You had enough coming from Vicquemare, you don’t need flack coming at you from all sides.”
INLAND EMPIRE - You look up at him. You know you look pitiful, desperate even. Like an abandoned puppy in a tattered box, wondering if this person will be the one decent enough to take him in. But no, you’re not an adorable little puppy. You’re a 44-year old, liver poisoned, walking, rotting corpse of flesh. Who wants that?
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - A walking, rotting corpse of flesh who took speed a mere 10 minutes ago. Which will probably be hitting you soon considering you barely touched your lunch, by the way.
HALF-LIGHT - Oh shit, we need to leave before it hits. Kim can’t find out.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Besides, I know you’re doing your best. You’ve really come a long way,” he pauses and looks at you, wrinkling his forehead in concern. He proceeds slowly, “I have faith in you.”
He puts a hand on your shoulder and gives you a small smile and a quick squeeze before returning to his usual stance.
You force your gaze back down.
DRAMA - You let him down.
LOGIC - He’s so naive. To think you’ll ever get better.
Your heart sinks. You can’t look at him. It’s absolutely guaranteed that if you look up at Kim you’ll watch him slowly shrink away as you descend deep into the mantle of the earth, pulled down by the sheer weight of your guilt.
CONCEPTUALIZATION - You’re absolutely pathetic. Kim has the decency to apologize to you, the walking, rotting corpse of flesh, and you had the audacity to pre-disappoint him.
RHETORIC - It’s not like you could’ve known he’d apologize.
HALF-LIGHT - Relax. He doesn’t know you took the speed yet. We can leave and he never has to find out.
DRAMA - I told you not to take the speed.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - You absolutely did not.
VOLITION - Let’s quickly end this conversation so you can get back to work.
PAIN THRESHOLD - The mind-numbing, soul-sucking, Pale-inducing void that is paperwork.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It’s ok, baby, you’ve got speed in your system. It’ll be disco.
VOLITION: Just end the conversation, please.
SUGGESTION [Legendary: failure] -
➣“I took speed.”
➣No. Please don’t say that…
YOU - No. Please don’t say that…
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - Ask him if he wants some. You can disco together, baby.
DRAMA - Ooh yes, you can even ask Jean to join. Maybe smooth things over.
RHETORIC - Two’s company. Three’s a crowd.
EMPATHY - You’re a fool if you think Kim would want to do any disco-ing with you after revealing this.
VOLITION - No. You’re out of options. Kim was generous enough to be vulnerable with you. Maybe you owe it to him to be honest?
INLAND EMPIRE - Are you out of your goddamn mind? Let’s just skip ahead to the jumping off a bridge part.
HALF-LIGHT - Quick! Dissociate!
KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry?...” he asks thoughtfully, tilting his head.
➣“I took speed.”
➣No. Please don’t say that…
YOU - “I took speed,” you gulp.
KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs while a slight frown forms on his face. He looks at you with…
YOU - Wait, what is that look?
PERCEPTION - Disappointment?
EMPATHY - No. But there’s a hint of it there.
DRAMA - Sadness.
EMPATHY - Hmmm. Almost, but not quite.
YOU - Determine what that look is.
EMPATHY [Formidable: success] - He feels deceived.
PAIN THRESHOLD - Oh god, you deceived him. He had faith in you and you deceived him. This is worse than I ever could have imagined.
DRAMA - It’s ok. It’s ok. There are completely logical solutions to this. Like shooting yourself in the head. Immediately.
VOLITION - No.
CONCEPTUALIZATION - Yeah, imagine the hurt you’ll put him through after seeing you blow your brains out right in front of him.
INLAND EMPIRE - Oh god, don’t imagine that. Stop imagining. Stop it.
You squeeze your eyes shut and start clawing at your scalp. Tears are starting to pool in the corners of your eyes.
YOU - Just stop. STOP.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Harry,” he snaps, bringing you out of your mind spiral.
YOU - “I’m so sorry, Kim. It’s just,” you start fumbling your words, “…the paperwork…everything…I can’t…” you’re now sobbing and move to cover your face. “I’m sorry…I just…sometimes I feel…can’t do…drugs…I’m sooo sorry.”
KIM KITSURAGI - You feel a hand on your upper back while another gently grabs one of your forearms. He’s guiding you to a more secluded part of the hall, away from the foot traffic.
When you come to a stop, you feel a chill as the warmth of his body next to yours disappears. But in a brief moment, you notice that he has moved in front of you. He grabs you securely by both shoulders.
“Harry,” he says firmly, but there’s no anger in it. “It’s ok to need help getting things done.”
YOU - You try to stifle your sobs and palm your tears away, slowly looking up at him with puffy, puppy-dog eyes. “So it’s ok to use speed if I need help with my work?”
KIM KITSURAGI - He sighs, but there’s a look of kindness in his eyes.
EMPATHY [Easy: success] - Even a slight hint of amusement, dare I say.
DRAMA - He thinks you’re cute when you’re a blubbering mess.
VOLITION - I seriously doubt that.
KIM KITSURAGI - He drops his arms and lets out a small scoff, “I didn’t say that, Harry.” You swear you see a faint smile in there.
You notice he’s looking up now, contemplating what he wants to commit himself to here.
He returns his gaze to you, serious now. “I meant that, if you’re overwhelmed with work, you can always ask me for help first. Before you,” he pauses, trying to find the appropriate wording, “resort to other means of help,” he finishes with a small wave of his hand.
YOU - “Really?”, you ask pitifully, slightly pouting your lips.
VOLITION - You’re a 44-year old man, for god’s sakes, you’re not cute. Stop that.
You quickly fix your face but keep your gaze on him.
KIM KITSURAGI - “Yes,” he replies and he gives you a slight smile.
A gift. Mon coeur.
“Let’s go and sort through your paperwork,” he continues. “Maybe there’s a way we can prioritize and lighten your load.”
YOU - “Yeah?”, you beam, “OK.” you gush a little too excitedly, your posture suddenly upright.
ELECTROCHEMISTRY - It’s possible the speed is starting to enter your bloodstream.
EMPATHY [Easy: success] - It’s OK. Kim’s not mad. It’s all OK.
Kim pats your arm to coax you forward down the hall towards your desk. You try to wipe the snot and tears from your face as you reach the cacophony of office chatter, weaving through the maze of desks to yours.
KIM KITSURAGI - “You know, if speed really does help you, maybe you should see a psychiatrist? I was reading about this condition, called ADHD,” he cautiously eyes you as he says this, “and apparently they prescribe something similar, so maybe a diagnosis would help you?”
He sits down on the edge of your desk, watching you with consideration. “Then you can, you know, get some help through the appropriate and legal means?” A mischievous smile sneaks onto his face as he watches you move towards your chair.
YOU - You sit down and scan your desk. The Corpus Mundi Stack of Papers is quiet. Suddenly, the stack of paperwork looks exactly how it should, mere pieces of paper. Maybe it’s the speed, but you’re not completely convinced. You smile to yourself as you grab a chunk off the top and hand it over to Kim, who graciously accepts it with an open hand, immediately thumbing through the files.