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“Do you remember the first time?” Gillian asked her wife, her hand slipping into hers as they made their way over the gravel path that wound its way down Filey Brigg. It was a beautiful day, the sun shining overhead as a gentle breeze rustled through the grass that grew in spongy patches right down to the end, and there had been no debate when it came to deciding where they would come for the anniversary of when they got together. They had celebrated their first wedding anniversary at Christmas with the family, but had decided that this one would be for them.
“I could hardly forget,” Caroline replied, giving her wife an affectionate little nudge. “Chased you two hours across Yorkshire to find you on this bloody thing, didn't I?” She still remembered it like it was yesterday, the fear that she had felt and the anxiety that had swept through her… She had hardly dared to hope that she might find Gillian and the life that she had dreamt of with her at the other end. Still, all had been well, and it had started off one of the greatest adventures that she had ever had.
“I honestly thought I’d pissed everything up,” Gillian said thoughtfully, readjusting the basket of food that she was carrying. The two of them had resolved to have a picnic - although they had first talked about fish and chips they had decided that they would go for a meal later in the day instead, so this seemed a good compromise. “I remember sitting on that bench and just thinking that I didn’t know how I was going to cope without you in my life… Everything just seemed like it was… broken, I suppose.”
“And I remember getting out of the Jag and seeing you in the distance…” Caroline started, but was interrupted when Gillian started to laugh.
“I’m amazed that you could see anything, the amount you chewed up that grass!” Gillian chuckled, nudging the blonde affectionately with a little smirk. “It took me ages to scrub that off for you later in the week.” Caroline rolled her eyes but grinned back at her, recalling fond memories of those first few days together. They had been amazing, the boundaries that they had erected between them crashing down one by one in such quick succession that it had taken Caroline’s breath away. Her yearning for the brunette hadn’t ever been something that she’d thought would be realised, and when things had changed it had taken a while for her head to catch up.
“Honestly, though… I was just as terrified as you,” Caroline hummed, the wind ruffling her blonde waves as she turned her attention to look over Filey bay, feeling more at peace than she had in weeks. The school had been demanding a lot of her attention of late, but knowing that she had Gillian to come home to make things infinitely more bearable. “I didn’t know what to say, or what to do… You know that I’ve never been particularly good at saying the right thing at the same time when it comes to stuff like this. I’ve always been a bit hopeless.”
“Well, you weren’t hopeless when it came to me,” Gillian reassured her, leaning over to press a quick kiss to her cheek. “The second you kissed me… well, shit, Caz, it was like all my dreams came true at once. I hardly knew what to do with myself.”
“I don’t think you were alone in that,” Caroline giggled, raising her eyebrows in return. It was true - it hadn’t taken them long at all from the first kiss to fall into bed together, the culmination of months - years, actually - worth of tension finally being released. She had felt like she was finally where she was meant to be, at the exact right time that she was meant to be there - something that she had rarely accomplished before. “Do you remember the first time we…?” She trailed off, hoping that Gillian would get her meaning - it seemed she did, as she flushed beet red.
“How can I forget?” she gave back in a slightly tight voice, one that Caroline had learned meant that she was thinking of certain activities and was likely to pounce on her some time in the very near future. She could hardly do that here, though - not in public. The Brigg wasn’t overly busy - there were a few anglers fishing off the side, and a few small groups of walkers and some dogs, so she hoped that they would not be interrupted. Gillian shot her a coy look, and Caroline widened her eyes questioningly in response. “That first time…It were like some kind of fantasy come to life. I kept thinking that I was going to wake up, and it wouldn’t be real…”
“Well, we both know how creative you are in your dreams, eh?” Caroline retorted, earning herself a playful slap in return. It was true - Gillian often woke her up in the middle of the night or early in the morning, desperate to deliver pleasure after having yet another interesting dream that would soon have them panting, lying tangled together in a pile of sweaty limbs. She definitely wasn’t complaining. “I must say, I’m glad we’ve booked that hotel suite for tonight… It’s rather nice to be away from home and knowing that we won’t have any interruptions.”
“It is indeed,” Gillian replied, smirking at her. “I’m still hopeful we might be able to christen that new dining table soon - we’ve had it for ages now.” Caroline groaned at the insinuation - their passion for each other in the intervening years hadn’t dimmed one iota, and it wasn’t the first time that Gillian had mentioned wanting to engage in that particular activity. As much as she pretended that it wasn’t a good idea she was secretly looking forward to it too, remembering one of their first encounters back at her old house. Back when they were able to see each other less it had sustained her in the cold, lonely nights that had followed. She had been infinitely happier once they had moved in together at the farm, and hadn’t looked back since.
“I swear you’ve got a one track mind,” Caroline teased, a little flush rising on her cheeks as a result of her errant thoughts. “Honestly, you’ve corrupted me. I never shagged on any tables until you were about…”
“You’d never shagged in a pub toilet either, and it wasn’t me that started that one,” Gillian reminded her, shooting her a little wink that sent tingles all the way down to her toes. “In fact…” Her words trailed off - they were now two thirds of the way down the Brigg, and the place where the bench that she had been sitting when Caroline came to find her was notable by its absence. “What the…”
“Oh…” Caroline said quietly, her shoulders slumping when they got a little closer and realised that it really had vanished. It had never been much - just a smooth plank of wood set into the side of the earth, facing the expanse of Filey Bay and offering a little protection from the prevailing wind that so regularly gusted down from the North. The ground where it had sat was now rather eroded, the twisted wooden supports twisted and gnarled. It had been quite a long time since they had managed to get out to the Brigg but she hadn’t expected that this would be gone. It was a part of their history, part of their story, and to see it gone was heartbreaking. “Are you okay?” she asked Gillian, who had placed the picnic basket down on the ground and had gone to look at the earth, running her fingers through the tufty patches of grass that now sprouted in abundance.
“I can’t believe it isn’t here…” Gillian murmured, turning to look down the side of the Brigg. Caroline peered over too, and despite it being the logical place for it to have gone if it had gone anywhere, there was nothing. “This… I’ve always come here, Caz, for years… It’s never been gone before.”
“I know,” Caroline hummed sympathetically, holding her hand out to her wife for her to take. Gillian did so gratefully, her expression still sad and her mouth turned down at the edges. “I suppose we have had a rough winter, perhaps it eroded away and it isn’t safe anymore…”
“There’s still enough room for a bench,” Gillian said with a stubborn pout, and plucked the basket off the ground again with a little sigh. “I guess we’re going to have to find a new place for a picnic, then, if we can’t eat here.”
“If all else fails then we’ve still got all those benches back near the car,” Caroline said bracingly, knowing that Gillian wouldn’t want that. The whole point of everything had been to come to the Brigg and eat on the bench, and reminisce about the life that they had shared with each other since that wonderful moment when everything had changed.
As predicted Gillian shook her head, and stood on her tiptoes as she peered down the rest of the Brigg. Gulls wheeled and cawed overhead, and Caroline looked down at the basket to make sure that it was still covered. She had had too many unfortunate experiences with the birds in the past to trust them, and she knew that they would steal food at the first opportunity. It was not something that she wanted to happen today.
“It looks like there might be another bench down there,” Gillian pointed out, and Caroline nodded, content to follow her wherever she led. As they moved further along the path the wind grew a little stronger, the sound of the waves crashing echoing up from the rocks at the bottom of the Brigg. There was a distinct tang of salt in the air, and Caroline inhaled deeply, absolutely loving the change of scenery. They were lucky to have fresh air aplenty at the farm, of course, but there was always something a little different about being by the sea.
“Was this always here?” she asked her wife as they neared the end, spotting a commemorative bench carved out of stone that faced the same direction as the bench that Gillian had previously loved. “I don’t remember seeing it when we last came up here.”
“No, it wasn’t…” Gillian murmured, moving to stand in front of it before grinning. “It’s been here a year or so… something about an anniversary for the anglers society.” She looked up at Caroline with a hopeful little smile, and that, combined with the adoring look in her eyes, was enough to make her melt. “What do you say? Shall we eat here?”
“Sounds like a good plan to me,” Caroline agreed, and was charmed when Gillian tugged out the blanket that she had packed earlier and smoothed it down on the seat. It had looked fairly clean, and Caroline was only wearing a pair of her jeans, but she appreciated the effort nonetheless.
“I hope you’re gonna like all this,” Gillian said a little nervously when Caroline had sat down, dropping down beside her and pulling the basket up so that it rested between them. The farmer had been remarkably insistent about packing it herself, and despite Caroline’s usual control freak tendencies she had allowed her to. Gillian was far better at surprises that she would ever give herself credit for - even after surprising her with an engagement and then a wedding she would still say that she was no good at them, leading Caroline to enter into fierce debate until the discussion inevitably ended with kisses.
“I’m sure I will, if you packed it,” Caroline replied softly, tucking her handbag down at her side so that it wouldn’t fall over. She watched as Gillian tugged off the lid of the basket, handing it to her to hold as she started unloading it.
“Will you close your eyes for a minute?” the brunette asked awkwardly, biting her lip, and Caroline groaned before nodding.
“Fine… but just so you know, I don’t want you flouting any public indecency laws - I remember the last thing you did when I was blindfolded, and I’m pretty sure that we’d be arrested if you tried it.”
“Yeah, Catherine would be up here like a bloody shot slapping on the handcuffs,” Gillian giggled, waiting for her wife to dutifully close her eyes. “I swear that woman has got a sixth sense for appearing at the wrong time. Mind you, isn’t she off somewhere at the moment?”
“Yeah, it’s just about the anniversary of her wedding, isn’t it?” Caroline remembered, smiling when she recalled the lovely ceremony between the sergeant and her wife, Jane, who was the vicar up at Heptonstall Church. “Those two are so good together, I think they went off abroad, didn’t they?” The four of them had continued to be friends in the intervening years, and Caroline would never forget how Catherine and Jane had played a part in their own wedding, allowing them to make it a personal event rather than one that was overshadowed by the expectation of their family.
“I think so…” Gillian murmured, and there was a shuffling noise and a clatter of something against the stone of the bench. “Hang on, nearly there…”
“This is all very mysterious,” Caroline laughed, endeared by the effort that she had clearly gone to. “I feel like I’m going to open my eyes and you’re going to have conjured some kind of lobster dinner, or something.”
“Oh…” The noises paused, and she heard Gillian clearing her throat awkwardly. “Is… Is that what you wanted? Lobster? Because… well, I’m sorry, Caz… but that’s not what this is, and-”
“Don’t be a twat,” Caroline chuckled, shaking her head. “I was joking. How on earth would we eat lobster out here, anyway?” The idea was ludicrous, and she reached out blindly in front of her to try and pat Gillian’s hand. “Honestly, whatever you’ve sorted out will be perfect, just because it’s something that you’ve done.”
“That bodes well,” Gillian muttered, and she felt the lid being tugged out of her hand once again, shortly followed by the sound of it clicking back into place on the basket and then a thump as the whole thing was deposited on the ground in front of them. “Right… okay…”
Caroline sat patiently, tipping her face back to allow the rays of the sun to gently kiss her pale, lightly freckled cheeks. It really was a wonderful day, and she was grateful that it wasn’t like the first time when the heavens had opened and they had been soaked in a matter of moments as they kissed. Despite the weather back then she had hardly wanted to stop, their embrace borne of so many years of pent up yearning and lust that it was already simmering over and making her lose her head. She was just starting to reminisce about how Gillian had straddled her lap, kissing her like there was no tomorrow, when there were the sudden strains of music from beside her.
“Okay…” Gillian mumbled, and she felt her take her hands squeezing gently. “You can open, now.” Caroline did as she was asked, gasping as she looked down between them. The music started to build, and she glanced at a little speaker that was resting on the back of the bench, starting to play one of the list of songs that Gillian had prepared for her on Raff’s very old MP3 player so long ago. As well as that there was a veritable feast spread out between them - fresh bread, cheese, a little platter of continental meats, along with olives and some dip. There was a bag of fancy looking crisps, strawberries, some little discs that looked like they were mini pizzas, and even some neatly cut up tomatoes, cucumber and pepper arranged neatly in a little box. Next to it all was a bottle of champagne and two flutes, and Caroline met Gillian’s eyes with a happy smile.
“You did all this?” she breathed, a little overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness and how well she had considered what she liked. She had to giggle at the little pizzas too - they were a fancy version of the pizza that they had so often shared on the Friday nights that they used to spend together, and she appreciated the call back. “It’s lovely… how did you manage to hide it all from me?”
“With great difficulty,” Gillian chuckled, starting to open some of the little packages as she handed Caroline a glass of champagne and a plate - a real china one, too! Caroline was impressed. “I’ve had most of it waiting down at the farmhouse with Raff and Ellie the last couple of days, I knew you’d find it otherwise.”
“Probably would have,” Caroline agreed with a little smirk. Although both of them tended to take it in turns to cook, constructing the weekly menu was something that Caroline had taken on herself, and she had an also encyclopaedic knowledge of what was contained in their fridge and pantry at any given time. It always made her so happy to know that Gillian was eating well, and she took great joy whenever she was cooking for her. Gillian took great joy in eating it, too, and often showed her appreciation afterwards - very enthusiastically, it must be said. “That reminds me,” she carried on, reaching into her bag and pulling out a little box. “Don’t ask me how I managed to get hold of these at this time of the year, but… here.”
Gillian took the box from her, her face lighting up in delight. “Brandy snaps?” she said incredulously, looking up at her so joyfully that Caroline would have thought that she was holding something incredibly precious rather than a mere package of sweet treats. “Caz! You miracle worker… I didn’t think I’d be seeing these again this side of Christmas.”
Caroline beamed at her as the farmer made short work of tearing open the packaging, retrieving one and stuffing it in her mouth with a happy smile. Gillian was a kind of brandy snap fiend, and it always surprised her just how many boxes she managed to get through around the Christmas season. This one she had had to special order, and had waited a tense couple of weeks hoping that it would arrive on time. Thankfully, of course, it had, and she was pleased that it was gratefully received.
“Glad you like them,” she hummed, gently taking hold of the lapel of Gillian’s jacket and tugging her in for a brief kiss. “I had to contribute something, even though you said that I should leave it to you…”
“You never follow my instructions,” Gillian grumbled, but looked nowhere near annoyed as she munched her way through another of the biscuits. Caroline watched in fascination as she licked her fingers free of crumbs, earning herself a smirk from her wife that told her that she knew exactly what she was thinking of.
“I do sometimes…” Caroline said faintly, recalling quite a few situations when she had followed her instructions to her letter… with very delightful consequences. “You know that.”
“I do, and if you play your cards right then I’ll be giving you some more later,” Gillian said in a low voice and another wink, and Caroline clenched her jaw before looking down at the food.
“Right, well… in the meantime,” she mumbled, starting to fill her plate with food. It really did look delicious, and it was clear that Gillian had gone to the fancy deli in Hebden which she only usually went to on special occasions - like Tuesdays - to be sure of getting things that she liked.
They munched in companionable silence for a little while, both of them looking alternately at the view and each other, their heat filled gazes cluing them both into what was in store later that day. Everything was delicious, and it was a while before Gillian spoke again.
“So…” She wriggled a little in her seat, leaning to carefully slide her now empty plate back in the basket. “Time for the yearly review.”
“The yearly review?” Caroline snorted, looking at her in surprise. “What’s that supposed to mean?”
“You know, the time where we look back over the past year and think about how we’ve been getting on,” Gillian said bracingly, and whilst she was still smiling there was a flicker of nerves in her eyes. “Like…. Are you happy?”
“Do you really need to ask me that?” Caroline said softly, balancing her plate on the leftover food and beckoning Gillian over. The farmer got up and took a few steps forwards before dropping onto her lap, circling her arms around Caroline’s neck. The sunlight was making her eyes gleam a brilliant sea green, coppery strands highlighted in her hair, and Caroline grinned up at her adoringly. “I don’t think I’ve ever been as happy as this. Not ever.” It was true - the love that had already been so entrenched to start with had deepened and matured, creating a profound connection the likes of which Caroline had never experienced. She hadn’t had the chance with Kate, and with John… She was sure that he had known her even less by the end of their marriage than he had in the start, and he had never made an effort to learn or try to understand who she really was. This… this was what it was all about, and she adored it.
“Me, too,” Gillian said simply, resting her forehead against Caroline’s as she smiled. “When I first started writing all those letters, I never imagined that we’d… that we’d have all this, or that you would really want me. I thought I were dreaming…”
“I thought I was, when the penny dropped,” Caroline laughed, reaching up to gently smooth a lock of hair out of her eyes. Gillian’s eyes truly were one of her best features, and even now she found herself getting lost in their depths, seeing all of the love and adoration she felt for her reflected right back. “God, we were twats, weren’t we? Both of us dancing around each other, talking about everything other than that… I thought I gave myself away so many times, I was surprised you didn’t notice.”
“Clueless, as usual,” Gillian said cheerfully, earning herself a little chuckle from her wife before pulling back a little and cradling her face in her hands. “I guess… I guess I just want to say… thank you.”
“Thank you?” Caroline tilted her head curiously to the side, blinking at her. “What are you thanking me for?”
Gillian shifted a little, still a little nervous after all these years when it came to fully baring her heart. The woman that Caroline had first met - nervous, skittish, always seeming to be waiting for a blow - had faded over the years, and Gillian was now much better at letting her in and running towards her at times of trouble rather than away. They had still had their fair share of difficulties at times, but they were always short lived and Caroline had learned the best way to deal with them was just to be patient, kind and not judge. Gillian would always come back to her, and as she learned that Caroline wasn’t going anywhere she had relaxed even more. Their marriage had helped with that, for sure, and whilst Caroline had been worried that the brunette would feel trapped, like she needed to get out, she had instead leant into it. She seemed to find endless safety and security in her arms, and Caroline felt the same.
“I’m thanking you… for this. This life,” Gillian said, her voice wobbling a little as she gave her an emotional smile. “I never thought I d-d-deserved anything like this, that someone like you…” She gestured weakly towards Caroline, swallowing down her tears. “You know what I mean. Sometimes I just… I wake up and I can’t believe this is my life. That… that I’m allowed this. You. You know.”
“You soppy twat,” Caroline murmured, reaching up to caress her cheek as her other arm tightened around her waist. “You don’t know how grateful I am to you, too… I mean… After Kate…” She squeezed her eyes shut for a moment, the pain of what had happened still there after all these years, although now it was dull and bearable. One of the wonderful things about Gillian was that she didn’t exclude Kate from their lives - she included her, embraced her memory wholeheartedly, and somehow didn’t even seem jealous of what she had once shared. Caroline had asked her about it once, and she had merely said that Kate was part of her, and of their shared memories, and she had no desire to exclude her from it. “After Kate… I didn’t think that I’d ever have anything else like this. I thought that I’d had my lot, that was it, and then…” She shrugged, her smile wobbling. “And then there was you.”
“Well, there was Olga first,” Gillian teased, although her voice was thick with emotion as Caroline giggled. “Can’t forget that ill advised foray back into the dating game, can we?”
“For the rest of my life, I plan on trying to,” Caroline laughed, shaking her head at her wife. The last she had heard, Olga had managed to fall for the owner of another wine shop, at least thirty years her senior. It appeared that she had a thing for older women, as much as Caroline tried to forget that she was one of that number. “I mean it though, Gillian… I am happy. Happier than I ever thought I’d be again. Even if I do have to keep darning the holes in your overalls and making sure that you eat something before you go out to those bloody fluff balls.”
“And I’m incredibly happy, even if you can be a bloody bossy boots at times,” Gillian giggled, leaning forwards and nuzzling her nose against hers. “And even though you have absolutely no bloody idea about how to look after that car of yours - I still can’t believe that you paid for ‘premium air’ for your tyres the other day, aren’t you meant to be a chemist?”
“Aren’t you meant to be my mechanic?” Caroline retorted, and both of them laughed. It was a wonderful sound, the sound of a shared life and shared experiences that built to form something that was far greater than the sum of its parts.
“After all these years, you’re still a snotty bitch,” Gillian murmured, with such a look of love in her eyes that it almost took Caroline’s breath away. “But I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“And you’re still trailer trash, but I won’t hold it against you,” Caroline hummed, and then tugged her down for a soft, probing kiss, unable to resist doing so. Gillian hummed happily against her lips, pressing her chest against her own as she threaded her fingers through her hair.
“You know…” Gillian mumbled when they parted, a vulnerable smile painted across her features. “I think it makes sense that that other bench is gone, and there’s a new one to sit on.”
“It does?” Caroline gave back, gently stroking her back as she looked up into her eyes. “Why do you say that?”
“Because that bench…” Gillian gestured back to the old location, looking a little shy. “That was where I went when I had nowhere else. When… when I needed space, you know? When things… weren’t good…”
“And now?” Caroline encouraged her, noting the way that her eyes were gleaming. She knew that hers were doing the same, hot tears pricking at the back of her eyes.
“And now… my place is our place. And we… we’ve got something new, haven’t we?” Gillian murmured, reaching out to trace the words of the commemorative words that were carved into the stone. “Something… solid. And permanent…”
“That will stand the test of time,” Caroline added, and Gillian nodded. Without any further words needed they wrapped their arms around each other, burying their faces in each other’s neck and taking comfort and connection from the embrace. It felt like a perfect, magical moment, and Caroline knew that it was one that they would always remember.
After a few long moments they parted, sharing a brief kiss before Gillian grinned at her once again. “Have you had enough to eat? Are you ready for the next bit of our day?”
“And what might that be?” Caroline asked curiously - Gillian hadn’t shared much of the itinerary with her, not that she minded. When it came to her need to be in control, it was something that she felt much more able to sacrifice when it came to Gillian.
“Amusement arcade,” Gillian grinned, and Caroline groaned, dropping her head against her shoulder. “I’m gonna win you another smurf if it kills me.”
“Not another one…” Caroline sighed, pretending to be annoyed when secretly she was thrilled. Smurfette, the toy that Gillian had won her so long ago, was still very much part of their lives. Gillian seemed to take great delight in hiding it all over the house for her to find, and Caroline had found her tucked into her overnight bag that very morning. She had pretended not to notice, and had pushed her back inside so that she could act surprised when she opened it later. She was sure that Gillian wouldn’t be convinced, but it was a little pantomime that they both engaged with and enjoyed.
“Perhaps I’ll try and make it a bigger one, this time,” Gillian wondered aloud, pressing one final kiss to her cheek and standing to start packing away the lunch things. “Like, obnoxiously big. Can’t fit through the door, big.”
“That would suit me just fine,” Caroline retorted, rolling her eyes at her wife with a little smile. “It could live in the barn, scare the sheep instead.”
“We’ve got the patio doors, we could get it through there,” Gillian continued to tease, earning herself a little growl from the blonde. “Sure we’d manage.”
“We always do,” Caroline said softly, and when the food was all packed up and no evidence of their visit remained, she stood and took Gillian’s hand. “It’s a hell of a lot easier to manage with you, you know.”
“I know,” Gillian nodded, offering her an affectionate smile. And it was… Everything was easier, better, brighter. All because they had fallen in love.
<3