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Before the world is destroyed, I want to destroy myself.
“Suppose, there is a solid with a base of the region enclosed by y = x 2 and y = x, and each cross section perpendicular to the x-axis is an isosceles triangle. Find the volume of the solid.”
“What am I here for.” Mafuyu says aloud. The lead in her mechanical pencil snaps against the paper. It leaves behind an ugly smudge and an offending chunk of graphite. Pick it up. Walk to the trash can. Throw it away. Walk back to the desk. Wipe your fingers until they are clean. Erase. Erase. Erase.
“What am I here for.” With a thud, the eraser comes tumbling down onto the paper. Her fingers clutch uselessly at dull purple hair.
“Suppose, a girl in isolation meets another girl in isolation. And suppose those two girls find themselves a group of isolated individuals to talk to, to create with, to actually interact with like normal functioning human beings. Determine the extent to which they are able to find solace in each other.”
Do her friends even know who she is? They have spent so much time together, yet Mafuyu is stuck on an island, with harsh waters preventing her from getting any closer.
Does Mafuyu know who she even is?
It’s terribly lonely.
Her laptop pings a notification. She pays it no mind, squinting at the next practice problem. The screen looks blurry. Mafuyu can barely make out the symbols.
Integral…from 0…is it 6? 6 to 9 of…
It pings again.
And again.
And again.
She rubs her eyes. Might as well check who is messaging her.
Amia ♡
yuki
yuki
\yuki
yukgi yuki gpyeuki
雪
What.
Amia ♡
OMG RU SORPONDED
HI
HI
JOIWEFHOGIWEHOIGWNE
CLALl
CAL
PLES
im soooo broed
雪
What.
Amia ♡ started a call…
Against her better judgment, Mafuyu accepts. Her screen quickly shifts and she’s met with a bright baby pink colored eye that is way too close to the camera. It still has its signature framing of pink colored lashes and impeccable eyeliner. It’s 11 pm. Mafuyu notes with a quick glance at the bottom of her laptop screen. 11 pm, with a full face of makeup. How…Mizuki-like.
“Turn on your camera!” They back up and Mafuyu gets a quick glance at their ruffled top and fuzzy jacket before they are gone. A springing noise is barely picked up by their mic. Mafuyu can infer that Mizuki had flopped onto their bed. “I’m so tired, Yuyu come help me sleeeep.”
“...” Are they alright? They aren’t normally this… odd, and had never before called her out of the blue. In fact, despite how much they texted, Mizuki had never called her privately. Most of their time spent together was through calls with the whole group. Only the few instances when the two of them joined early was time for just the two of them.
“How am I supposed to help you sleep.” Is what Mafuyu says blandly instead.
“Please I wanna see youuu… and, and I miss youuu! I never get to see you anymore ‘cause you’re always so busy or something…”
“How are you supposed to see me if you are on your bed.”
“Hehe…” Mizuki giggles, and with a lot more loud noises they are crawling back up onto their chair. “I can see you if I’m here. Turn it on! Pleaseee, pretty please. ”
Mafuyu exhales harshly. It seems as if this boisterous pink covered person is excellent at ruining Mafuyu’s common sense. Her camera is turned on, and through her screen she sees a reflection of someone. Hair tucked away, not to get in her face while she studies. Glasses that do nothing to help her worn eyes focus.
Who am I? What am I here for? She stares back at the pixels. Dark bluish circles and cold, unanswering eyes.
“Yuyu!” Mizuki exclaims. “You listened!” They are loud.
“Where are your parents?” Running a hand through her hair, she looks back down at her paper. Might as well complete a few more practice problems while indulging the chaotic person on screen. They make interesting company. F prime is…
Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a baby pink head fall onto their desk with a loud thunk . With a wince, Mafuyu immediately turns back to her laptop.
“Mama and dad are out on business, something stupid...” Mizuki mumbles into the wood. “So I get to do whatever I want…yay. Like being by myself. Stuck in my stupid bed. And calling Mafuyu~”
“And it means drinking. You are drunk.”
“Haha…you caught me!” Mizuki’s head rolls over, and Mafuyu almost shivers from their gaze. It’s too observant for someone supposed to be intoxicated.
Mafuyu knew about her friend’s habits. It had been easy to infer after being spammed misspelled paragraphs and walls of fashion images.
‘ ik u wont tell the rest of them but like i dont want kanade or ena to worry about me yk,’ they had texted the morning Mafuyu confronted them about it.
‘Of course.’ She had responded.
‘Why do you text me?’ And not someone else.
‘bc its u’
Mafuyu still doesn’t know what they meant by it.
“You shouldn’t drink. You shouldn’t do many of the things you do.”
“…s’whatever. ‘M already sick all the time, and it hurts , it hurts so damn much. What else do I do? Something healthy? None of us are like that.” They grin sardonically. “Niigo wouldn’t exist if we were healthy. We all got our own vices. I’m sure you do too.”
Mafuyu’s blood runs cold. Her heart stops. Staring a hole into the paper, her fingers grip the mechanical pencil like a lifeline. The lead at the end snaps against the paper. Again.
Do they know? Their group’s animator always seemed to be more perceptive than the rest of them. Always on edge, always picking apart every little word, every little movement. How many secrets do they keep? Mafuyu’s arms feel like pins and needles.
“Mh, Mafuyu?” Mizuki whispers, blinking slowly. It itches. She sets down her pencil.
“Yes.” Toss the graphite chunk into the carpet below. Erase. Erase. Don’t think about it. Don’t acknowledge it.
She slowly, quietly tugs on her sleeves.
“You wanna hang out tomorrow, err, Saturday? Haha, no more school cause it’s Friday! Just us two?” Prep school. Mother. A test next week.
Mizuki was enigmatic as always. Their motives were never clear.
Mafuyu looks around, wondering just how many hours she has spent in her room. She can’t remember the last time she hung out with someone.
Against her better judgment, she complies.
“I’m free all afternoon. Text me the location.”
Their eyes widen. Sometimes, Mafuyu thinks she could never say no to that gaze.
“Yippie!”
—
Mizuki lied.
To themself, at least. Probably not to Mafuyu.
The older girl would probably think them to be selfish if she wasn’t Mafuyu . Making her skip prep classes (yes, they have her schedule memorized), dragging her to a location that they wanted to go to, forcing the poor golden child to face the wrath of her mother.
The other person would be correct. Mizuki is selfish. They wanted to see that girl out of her house, in the streets and enjoying life. She was always stuck inside those same four walls of her room. Outside of archery, they honestly thought her life was just occasionally interjected with their little music group.
They had always connected with Mafuyu because instead of suffering through their art like the other girls, Mizuki and Mafuyu had suffered from themselves.
Once, Mizuki was stuck in the same four walls of their room. The bed had melted their brain into pastel pink mush, and all they wanted to do was leave.
But leaving was pain: from scrutinizing eyes and toxic words, from the sickness of their body.
Mafuyu’s pain was her mother. And while Mizuki couldn’t stop that woman from existing, at least they could be her knight in sparkling pink armor, whisking the princess of the tower away to see sights she’s never seen before.
They know it’s only temporary.
—
Mizuki lied.
Every little part of this trip was self indulgent.
It’s not that Mizuki needed to go out, no, nothing like that. They worked a shift the previous night. Waking up to go to go out first thing in the morning (they woke up late afternoon) was awful, their joints ache and all that.
Truly, if Mizuki really wanted to urge the girl out of the house, they could have brought the rest of their group to somewhere more exciting than the mall.
From the hot tea they bought her at the cafe, to the clothing stores across all styles, Mizuki wanted to be with Mafuyu.
So purely out of their own self interest, they dragged the poor girl into each new place, trying to find her style.
As hard as they tried, nothing seemed to spark her interest. No soft summer dresses or cute trendy blouses. Finally, they had made their way to a small lolita boutique, where Mizuki had wandered to a small section of ouji accessories. Maybe Mizuki had been searching in the wrong direction?
“Isn’t this a bit boyish?” She asked as Mizuki showed her an embroidered bowtie.
“Mh?” Oh right. Mafuyu’s mom chose all of her clothes anyways, which most likely enforced some of her expectations of the world.
How much has that woman done to her? They grimace, the back of their throat burning as they try to push their worries down. If I told her, would she still be here?
“There’s nothing wrong with that!” Mizuki put their hands on their hips. “Clothes are clothes. You want anything from here?”
Mafuyu shook her head politely, but they’re having none of it.
On the small section of hats, there was a dark purple beret with a cute bow and a flower of beads sewn onto the middle. It was really, really, cute, and Mafuyu probably thought something similar with the way she kept glancing towards it.
“Really? Are you sure you don’t want something from here?” Mizuki poked her face just to drive it in.
“Yes. Let’s go.”
Aw, she didn’t get snappy, they frowned in their head. Not that she normally got annoyed, but Mizuki thought it would be funny to see. Oh well.
They snatched the beret when the taller girl turned away, and quickly skipped over the cashier.
Mafuyu’s face was unreadable as they paid.
But that face had changed into something confused when they offered up the newly packaged hat to her.
“For you!” They shake the bag like treats for a skittish cat. A fitting comparison for the ever curious Mafuyu.
“Wait, I cannot-”
“Ah ah ah! Nope!” They put a finger in front of her face and shove the bag into one of her hands, effectively making her stop talking. Her face was more open than it usually was, mouth slightly parted. She looks a bit silly, hehe. “Consider it, uh, payment! For me making you come all the way over here and do this and all.”
Without any more complications (as Mizuki would not listen to them), the two students then moved onto the next store. It was a game store, something they were sure their friend had no interest in. Nevertheless, Mizuki was keen on seeing if their retro game stock had changed since the last time they had visited. Hm, what did Rui have on his wishlist again?
Occasionally, they fleetingly glance at Mafuyu trailing behind them.
They had found something for her. Mizuki wishes they could find more, staring at the amount of goods in their own bags.
But all of the time spent upright was building up in their body,
Mizuki probably should have brought their cane with them. Mafuyu wouldn’t care. They can see it in their head, propped up against the wall. All decorated and bedazzled, only for them to never take it out.
They were already weird, they couldn’t afford to be broken as well.
It was so hard to keep it up. Putting on makeup every day to hide the facial structure they wish to reconstruct. Forcing themself to school, the walk being just short of unmanageable. Working themself to exhaustion stocking new clothes, talking to customers, running around like a little errand boy.
But bad days were better in bed, after all!
Might as well avoid the embarrassment of having to explain their entire life story to strangers and keep the damned cane at home.
They could power through it, at least well enough to make it home and crash for the next few days. Being out with friends was worth it. Being out with Mafuyu was worth it.
Anyways, Mizuki was glad to see the purple haired girl enjoying her time out.
At least, that’s what they thought. Hopefully they knew the lonely girl well enough to tell. Her face was blank, but it was better than the pretend facade of “Honor Student Mafuyu.”
(Mizuki just wants to make her smile.)
—
“Are you ok?” Mizuki was always the one dragging their sorry little group out to the outside world, though they personally always fared the worst. They hid it well enough, and it was always overshadowed by Kanade’s abysmal stamina.
Mafuyu sees it.
It could be a result of her overpreparation in nursing. (And that was rendered meaningless as well. Most of the things she does seem utterly meaningless in the grand scheme of the universe.) Or, the fact that Mizuki always seemed more honest with just Mafuyu, judging from their many text exchanges.
Mafuyu still sees it.
The fidgeting in place. How they lean slightly onto every display table when they can. The slight limp in their step. When the light catches their head, Mafuyu believes she can see perspiration on their brow.
“Let’s go sit.” Mafuyu takes their bags in one hand and grasps their wrist with the other. While she can’t feel the body heat of the other, her hand gets clammy. It’s uncomfortable. Mafuyu doesn’t know why she would sweat. She is not nervous. Though her heart beats louder in her chest.
“Oi, I can take my own bags…” They grumble, but comply.
There aren’t many places she could take them that wouldn’t be busy. But there is one place where no one should go.
“I never took you for a rule breaker, Yuyu!”
Mafuyu ignores their teasing as she carefully leads them through the emergency stairway. Thankfully, no alarm sounded, just as she had observed. The sign on the door was just for show.
The two students stand there, taking in the stale scent of concrete and dust.
Their breaths are stable now, at least, Mafuyu thinks to herself. They’re still clearly in some form of pain, from the way they’re hunched over slightly. That is a problem.
“Hey!” Comes from Mizuki indignantly as she pushes down on their shoulders, forcing them to sit on the steps. “These stairs must be filled with gross stuff… oh, my poor poor skirt.” They moan, melodramatically placing their hand against their forehead. Mafuyu stifles a huff at their response, but they were always more observant than the others.
“You laughed! Yes! Yes!” Pumping one fist into the air, they use the other to pull her down. She scrambles to put their bags aside, before taking a seat next to them.
The concrete is surprisingly cool underneath Mafuyu. Her hand is clammy from where she was holding onto Mizuki.
Holding onto Mizuki…she rubs over her palms as they hum a Nightcord song.
“Yuyu, you don’t mind if I…”
Mafuyu already knows what they’ll do. She wishes that they didn’t vape, or smoke, or drink, or do anything dangerous like they seemed to do so often. But like Mizuki said, they all had their vices.
“Do what you need.”
They don’t say anything, instead just nodding curtly before digging around their handbag. It has all sorts of fluffy keychains and plushes attached to it, colored a pale baby pink, of course.
“There are better methods of pain relief.”
They shrug, taking hit in defiance. Though soon, their shoulders drop as they exhale out a cloud of sweet smelling vapor.
“It’s easy, and I’m tired.” Mizuki mumbles.
“...” Mafuyu is tired too.
“Can I…try it?” Mafuyu gestures to their pink colored device. The thing is cute, decorated with lace and rhinestones. On it is a raised Bonbonribbon sticker, which Mizuki seems content to stare and fidget with.
It’s like the fruit of knowledge. An innocent cover that hides something so dangerous underneath. Mafuyu knows she shouldn’t get close, but she can’t help but crave it. What harm can one try do? Just a small taste?
Vaping can kill you with a single puff. The chemicals in vapes are much more dangerous than regular cigarette smoke.
Man fell from a single bite.
She is so numb. She just wants to feel.
“Are you sure.” They ask, though it sounds like a statement. Their eyes gaze into her own, normally bright pale pink shadowed by both worry and pain.
Age comes with responsibility. The older girl was forced with too much responsibility all of her life.
Reaching her hand out, she feels the small unassuming device For a second, the two caress hands before Mizuki leaves it to her.
Mafuyu grasps the vape loosely.
There is no revelation. She was not smited from her humble seat on the step. She is still the same.
She holds it close to her face, brushing away the passing thought that Mizuki’s lips had also touched that spot. Mafuyu breathes in.
The first thing she notices when she inhales is that it is cold . As expected, she can’t taste the flavor (“ it’s strawberry kiwi!” ), but she can feel it. She can feel it. Like a breath of wintry air, the vapor fills deep her lungs and travels up her spine into her head, chilling her cerebral cortex making her dizzy, like she’s floating and-
“Hck!” Coughing. Mafuyu is coughing endlessly as the vapor dissipates quickly from her mouth.
Mizuki pats her lightly on the back, gently taking the device back.
“Yeah yeah, don’t worry. It happens. ‘least you didn’t throw up or anything.” Once Mafuyu is done almost coughing her lungs out, she reaches for the vape. It’s quickly snatch away from where she can reach.
“Nope! I already regret giving it to you once, haha. You shouldn’t be like me.” Their face is pinched, and Mafuyu wants to brush away the stress lines on their brow. Why does she want to do that? She can feel her arm lifting without her meaning it to.
“Um, Mafuyu?” Mizuki’s face flushes red, and their eyes shift away from her gaze. Her hand is still caressing their face.
Maybe it’s rude, but Mafuyu can’t help but not stare at them. Mizuki had always been fascinating to look at. In the gloom of Empty Sekai, they were always so bright. Like a moth to a flame, she couldn’t help but be drawn into their warm laugh. The animator had always tried so hard to rile their group up, to tease them, to make them express some sort of reaction. Sometimes, Mafuyu curses herself for not being able to show, because through all of their efforts, Mizuki had always managed to make her feel just the tiniest bits of emotion.
“Eh?” She hears them peep as she gets closer. From here, she can see every individual eyelash, the details of their magenta mascara and shimmery eyeshadow, the specs of peach in their irises, the splotchy blush on their cheeks (not from makeup, but from her, from Mafuyu).
Mizuki’s lips are glossed. They sparkle in the fluorescent glow of the stairwell lights.
Mafuyu wants to kiss them.
Before becoming old, I want to become myself.